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Jokes about Musicians

12 Aug 00 - 03:33 PM (#276390)
Subject: Jokes about Musicians
From: mactheturk

Click for the 'PermaThreadô: List of all joke threads'


A father is talking to his son and the son says, "Dad when I grow up I'm going to be a musician".

The father replies, "Well, you can't have it both ways".

mac


12 Aug 00 - 03:46 PM (#276395)
Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: cujimmy

One evening on my way to a session, I parked my car, got out, and walked towards the pub where I remembered that I had left my banjo on the back seat of the car and forgot to lock the doors. So I ran back to the car and looked in the window - and realised I was too late - another 20 banjo's had been abandoned beside mine.


12 Aug 00 - 03:52 PM (#276401)
Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: Catrin

Question: How many folksingers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Answer: Four, one to change the bulb and the other three to sing about how good the old one was.


12 Aug 00 - 03:56 PM (#276403)
Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: Mark Clark

While working on "Black And Blue," Duke Ellington cut his orchestra off very suddenly in the middle of a rehearsal. "Why is the horn section playiing 'George Washington'?" he demanded to know. Came the reply, "But boss, you said play the bridge!"

      - Mark


12 Aug 00 - 03:56 PM (#276404)
Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: GUEST,The gnome at home

Q. if you throw a bodhran, a banjo and a melodeon of a cliff which will hit the bottom first?

A. Who cares???


12 Aug 00 - 04:07 PM (#276409)
Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: mactheturk

What is the difference between a musician and a 14-inch pizza?

A 14-inch pizza can feed a family of four....


12 Aug 00 - 04:14 PM (#276414)
Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: Dee45

Q. How does a musician make his car more aero-dynamic?

A. He removes the Dominoes' Pizza sign.



Q. Definition of an optimist?

A. A tiple player with a pager.


12 Aug 00 - 04:17 PM (#276417)
Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: mactheturk

What do you call a guitar player with half a brain?

A bass player.....


12 Aug 00 - 04:38 PM (#276425)
Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: ol'troll

This is really lame! Everyone knows that there are only two jokes about musicians.

All the rest are true.(snicker, snicker)

troll


12 Aug 00 - 05:45 PM (#276459)
Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: Banjer

Q.How can you tell a banjo player is on a level stage?

A.He drools from both sides of his mouth.

Q.What's the difference between a violin and a viola?

A.The viola burns longer.


12 Aug 00 - 07:03 PM (#276484)
Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: Yo

The teacher bugs little Joe all the time. And one day he asks; Joe, how do you get one hole in another? Joe thought about it for two days and still didn't know. Well, just put a ring in your mouth Joe, said the teacher. Little Joe didn't like it at all that his teacher outsmarted him again. So the next day he asks the teacher; How do you get nine holes in one other? No idea, said the teacher. Take a silver flute and shove it up your ass, Joe said. Yo.


12 Aug 00 - 07:31 PM (#276495)
Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: Quincy

I've always been musical myself, sure I was born with a drum in each ear!

I also came from a very musical family....even our sewing machine was a Singer!

Yvonne


12 Aug 00 - 08:06 PM (#276519)
Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: Quincy

A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears some music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source. He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads: Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827. Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward! Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him. By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backward. Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward. The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th. By the next day the word has spread and a throng has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward. Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group. Someone in the crowd asks him if he has an explanation for the music.
"Oh, it's nothing to worry about" says the caretaker. "He's just decomposing!"

Yvonne


12 Aug 00 - 08:19 PM (#276530)
Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: Quincy

Mac,

Have just found one enormous collection of "musician jokes". Can't do the click thing so here's the address!

http://home.earthlink.net/~midiron/jokes1.html

Enjoy!! best wishes, Yvonne


12 Aug 00 - 11:12 PM (#276615)
Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: Little Hawk

What's the difference between a dead skunk in the middle of the road, and a dead folksinger in the middle of the road?

The skunk was on his way to a paying gig!

What's the difference between a fiddle player and a dog?

The dog knows when to stop scratching.

How does a lead singer change a light bulb?

He just holds onto it and lets the world revolve around him.


12 Aug 00 - 11:25 PM (#276620)
Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: Downeast Bob

Q. How many bluegrass musicians does it take to change a lightbulb?

A. Thousands. One to actually change the bulb and the rest to argue about how Bill Monroe would have done it.


12 Aug 00 - 11:29 PM (#276624)
Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: Melani

Three guys died and went to heaven, where they were interviewed by St. Peter to determine their fitness to enter the Pearly Gates. "How much money did you make in you entire life?" he asked the first one. "Oh, many, many millions," was the answer. "And what did you do for a living?" "I was a corporate CEO."

"How much money did you make in your life?" St. Peter asked the second one. "Oh, maybe a couple million all together," was the reply. "And what did you do for a living?" "I sold insurance."

"And how much money did you make in your entire life?" St. Peter asked the third. "In my whole life, I think I might have made about $3000.00" "Oh, really?" said St. Peter. "What instrument did you play?"


13 Aug 00 - 06:30 AM (#276753)
Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: Banjer

I heard a similar story to Downeast Bob's. The punchline being that at least one of the pickers would have said, "That ain't the Earl did it"!

Q. What's the difference between a motorcycle and a banjo?

A. You can tune a motorcycle!

Q. What's the difference between a leaf rake and a banjo?

A. Your wife gets mad if the neighbors borrow the rake and don't return it.

Q. A guitar player and a banjo player both fall off a balcony at the top of a skyscraper at the same time. Which one will hit the ground first?

A. The guitar player. The banjo player will have to stop and retune at least once on the way down.

Actually, the term 'banjo tuning' is an oxymoron!


13 Aug 00 - 06:44 AM (#276754)
Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: GUEST,alanabit@web.de

Question: What's the difference betweenchewing gum and a singer? Answer: You can get chewing gum off a mirror. Question: What's the difference between a prostitute and an Irish Pub musician? Answer: The prostitute demands money before she gets.... Question: What's the difference between a singer songwriter and a hypnotist? Answer: A hypnotist can wake up the people he has sent to sleep.


13 Aug 00 - 08:06 AM (#276765)
Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: death by whisky

What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians ?

A bodhran player !


13 Aug 00 - 08:08 AM (#276766)
Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: Naemanson

What's the difference between a puppy and a singer/songwriter?

Eventually the puppy stops whining.


13 Aug 00 - 08:48 AM (#276782)
Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: bill\sables

98% of melodeon players give the others a bad name


13 Aug 00 - 08:57 AM (#276787)
Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: Catrin

What do you get if you drop a piano down a coal pit?

A flat minor.


13 Aug 00 - 08:59 AM (#276788)
Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: Liz the Squeak

Roll it down an army barracks and you get A flat Major...

LTS


13 Aug 00 - 01:55 PM (#276949)
Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: Mary in Kentucky

The symphony orchestra was performing Beethoven's Ninth. In the piece, there's a long passage, about 20 minutes, during which the bass violinists have nothing to do. Rather than sit around that whole time looking stupid, some bassists decided to sneak offstage and go to the tavern next door for a quick one. After slamming several beers in quick succession, one of them looked at his watch and said, "Hey! We need to get back!" "No need to panic," said a fellow bassist. "I thought we might need some extra time, so I tied the last few pages of the conductor's score together with string. It'll take him a few minutes to get it untangled." A few moments later they staggered back to the concert hall and took their places in the orchestra. About this time, a member of the audience noticed the conductor seemed a bit edgy and said as much to her companion. "Well, of course," said her companion. "Don't you see? It's the bottom of the Ninth, the score is tied, and the bassists are loaded."


13 Aug 00 - 02:01 PM (#276956)
Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: GUEST,Miss Piggy

Difference between a musician and a pig?

A pig wouldn't stay up all night to screw a musician.


13 Aug 00 - 02:22 PM (#276975)
Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: GUEST,Rich(stupidbodhranplayerwhodoesn'tknowbetter

How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
None. The keyboard player can do it with his left hand.
How many banjo players?
four, one to change it and three to complain that it's electric.
How many drummers?
NOne they have a machine to do that now.
How do you know when a singer is at your door?
You don't. She can't find the key and doesn't know when to come in anyway.

A man is visiting Chinatown when he comes upon a curios little shop. He goes in and, amongst the many bizarre things on the shelves, he sees a golden rat. He asks "how much?" and is told "$100 with the story that goes with it or $25 without". the man figures he really doesn't need the story, so he pays the $25 and leaves with the rat. He doesn't get very far when he starts to hear a faint sort of rustling sound. He pays it no mind but it starts to get stronger...and louder...and closer! He turns around to see an army of rats chasing him, with more joining every minute! He runs but alas, they're gaining on him and soon every rat in the city is on his heels! in desperation he throws the golden rat off the Fisherman's Wharf. The rats all follw into the bay and drown. He goes back to the store. The shopkeeper says "I figured you'd be back. Would you like to pay for the story now?" The man replies "NO, but how much for that golden accordian?"

Rich


13 Aug 00 - 04:06 PM (#277017)
Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: GUEST,Colwyn Dane

G'day,

Attributed to Thomas Beecham. To a cellist:

"Madam, you have between your legs an instrument capable of giving pleasure to thousands
- and all you can do is scratch it."

Toodle-pip.


13 Aug 00 - 05:23 PM (#277042)
Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: GUEST

drummer, tired of being bugged, decided to learn a real instrument, went to a store, and said to the clerk, "I want to buy that red trumpet, and that accordian." the clerk said, "I'll sell you the fire extinguisher, but, the radiator stays."


13 Aug 00 - 05:29 PM (#277044)
Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: GUEST,kendall

What do they do when the second violinist dies? They move him back one chair.


13 Aug 00 - 05:38 PM (#277049)
Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: Bernard

Difference between a drummer and a drum machine?

About half a beat...


14 Aug 00 - 03:28 AM (#277265)
Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: CarolC

You're in a boat with a lion, a tiger, and a tiple player. You have a gun with only two bullets. What do you do?

Shoot the tiple player twice.


14 Aug 00 - 01:01 PM (#277470)
Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: Bernard

Difference between a bodhran player and a yoghurt?

The yoghurt has developed a culture...


14 Aug 00 - 03:00 PM (#277560)
Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: GUEST,Rich(stupidbodhranplayerwhodoesn'tknowbetter

What's the definition if perfect pitch?
The sound of a clarinet splintering as it pierces an accordian and a banjo!

Did you hear about the banjo that was so far out of tune that some of the other banjo players started to notice?

Why do Scottish pipers march when they play?
2 answers 1: to get away from the noise. and 2: A moving target is harder to hit.

What do you get when you throw a banjo, an accordion, and a hammered dulcimer of the Empire State Building at the same time?
Thunderous applause!

How do you get a fiddler to slow down?
Put sheet music in front of him.

How do you tell banjo tunes apart?
The names are different!

What do you get when you put 6 banjo players in a circle?
A full set of teeth.

A fiddler walks into a booth at a Highlands Games competition and tells a large, kilted gentleman "Wait til you hear this great new bagpipe joke that I heard this morning!" The man replies "Before you tell it you should that I play the Bagpipes, That guy over there throwing the hammer plays the pipes, and my brother pulling that cart over there, plays as well. Now do you still want to tell your joke?" "Not if I'm gonna have to explain it three times!"

Here's one to play next time a hammer dulcimer player comes to your session. When he or she gets a note for one string and goes off in a corner to get in tune with every one else, everyone tune up or down just a hair.

I shouldn't pick on hammer dulcimers though. They sound absolutely beautiful.............if you turn them over and clog on them!

I'm sorry I don't have any bodhran jokes to offer. MOst of the ones I've heard have already been taken either as bodhran jokes or as other instrument jokes.

Cheers,
Rich


14 Aug 00 - 04:00 PM (#277603)
Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: Bud Savoie

Rich, nobody's going to put a bodhran-player joke on this thread. It's supposed to be about musicians.


14 Aug 00 - 04:24 PM (#277616)
Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: Bernard

Tenuous link...

Why do Morris dancers wear bells?

To annoy the blind as well as the deaf...


14 Aug 00 - 05:57 PM (#277694)
Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: Melani

Q: What goes "jingle, jingle--boom! jingle, jingle--Boom!" A: Morris dancers in a minefield.


14 Aug 00 - 07:56 PM (#277794)
Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: Biskit

Whatcha call a musician without a girlfriend?????? homeless. -Biskit-


14 Aug 00 - 09:21 PM (#277847)
Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: mactheturk

Q. How many bluegrass musicians does it take to change a light bulb?

A. Five... one to change the bulb and four to complain that it's electric.


14 Aug 00 - 10:33 PM (#277894)
Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: GUEST,Rich(stupidbodhranplayerwhodoesn'tknowbetter

Bud, i regularly hear that from some friends at local sessions and ceilis. Of course one plays the bodhran with the 4 stringed tumor that inevitably leads to delusions of grandeur about a banjo being anything more than a drum. I consider the source.
rich


14 Aug 00 - 10:56 PM (#277907)
Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: mactheturk

Q. Why do drummers leave drumsticks on the dashboard of their car?

A. So they can use the handicap parking.


15 Aug 00 - 12:18 AM (#277947)
Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: Mark Clark

"Our band has a fiddle player that can really make that thing talk."
"Really? What does it say?"
"It says 'Take your hands off me!'"


15 Aug 00 - 05:24 AM (#278026)
Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: Auxiris

Q: What do you do with a dead banjo player?

A: Skin him/her and make a bodran.

cheers,

Aux


15 Aug 00 - 07:12 AM (#278064)
Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: Bud Savoie

Aha! Now we're starting to get some bodhran jokes. Keep 'em coming. And by the way, Rich, it's hard to insult a banjo player. We tell more of the jokes than anyone else.


15 Aug 00 - 07:14 AM (#278069)
Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: Bud Savoie

What do you do if you run over a banjo picker in your pickup?

A: Back up.

What's the difference between a bodhran player and a podiatrist?

A: The podiatrist bucks up the feet.


15 Aug 00 - 07:15 AM (#278070)
Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: Bud Savoie

Shoot! I did it again!


15 Aug 00 - 08:36 AM (#278104)
Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: hesperis

As I have more experience with orchestral music than folk,
I couldn't resist posting this one...

What's the difference between a Horn player and a Seamstress?
.
.
.
.
.
.
The seamstress tucks the frills.

~*sirepseh*~


15 Aug 00 - 08:57 AM (#278118)
Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: mactheturk

Q. Why are bagpipe players always walking?

A. To get away from that sound.


15 Aug 00 - 05:01 PM (#278370)
Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: oggie

Why do bands have bass players?

To translate for the drummer!

Steve


15 Aug 00 - 05:09 PM (#278375)
Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: AllisonA(Animaterra)

Shortest joke in the world:

A morris dancer passes by a pub...


15 Aug 00 - 05:19 PM (#278381)
Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: Bernard

Shortest blues song:

I didn't wake up this mornin'...


16 Aug 00 - 08:21 AM (#278719)
Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: mactheturk

Saint Peter is at the pearly gates when three souls approach. Saint Peter asks the first person to describe his career on earth. The first person answers, " I made $200,000 per year and I was an attorney". Saint Peter lets him in the gate.

The second person then responds, "I made $150,000 per year and I was a marketing executive". Saint Peter lets him in the gate.

The third soul responds, "I made $9,000 per year", and Saint Peter said, "Which instrument did you play?"


16 Aug 00 - 08:41 AM (#278736)
Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: ol'troll

I thought that "I didn't wake up this mornin'" was the epitaph on the blues players tombstone.

troll


16 Aug 00 - 11:09 AM (#278834)
Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: Bernard

Egg-cisely!

Just as 'Now will you believe I was ill?' was on the hypochondriac's...


17 Aug 00 - 04:40 AM (#279437)
Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: GUEST, Banjo Johnny

I LOVE EVERYBODY THAT POSTED JOKES HERE!

True story from the Musical Family:

Joanne Castle had just whipped off one of her fantastic piano rags, and Mr. Welk took the stage to congratulate her. "Our lovely Choanne Cazzle, wunnerful wunnerful! You know, folgs, Choanne has been part of our Musiggle Family for more than twenny years-a, traveling across this graid country, and in all that time she has never once been laid!"

And another true one ... his famous tip to the band just before kicking off a real hot number, "Here we go, poys, so pee on your toes-a!"

Lawrence Welk's telephone number: a-one, anna-two, anna-1-2-3.

== Johnny in OKC


17 Aug 00 - 05:04 AM (#279449)
Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: Gervase

So, if you sing the blues backwards, your dog comes back to life, your wife comes home and you get to go back to bed?
On a different tack, I found out at the weekend why the good lord invented line dancing.
It was so Morris dancers could finally have something to take the piss out of...


17 Aug 00 - 02:12 PM (#279703)
Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: Bernard

Shortest Cowboy song:

It's been lonesome in the saddle since my horse died...


17 Aug 00 - 02:48 PM (#279719)
Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: GUEST

Q. What is the definition of perfect pitch?

A. When you throw a banjo in a dumpster and it doesn't touch the sides.


17 Aug 00 - 02:58 PM (#279724)
Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: GUEST, Banjo Johnny

A country-western band leader hits the state lottery bigtime, and a t-v reporter visits him for an interview.

"Tex, you've won over $480,000 -- what do you plan to do with all that money?"

"Waal, I've always enjoyed bein' a band leader, so I reckon I'll just stay in the music bid'ness until all the money's gone!"

== Johnny in OKC


17 Aug 00 - 04:44 PM (#279770)
Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: Pseudolus

...And Gervase if you sing a country and western song backwards, you get your house back, your car back, your wife back......same idea....

I was sent this list of actual country song titles once and I think it fits this thread close enough not to be "creepish". Creepy maybe, but not creepish!!

Frank

Top 25 country song titles
25. Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth "Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye
24. Her Teeth Was Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure
23. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?
22. I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling
21. I Just Bought A Car From A Guy That Stole My Girl, But The Car Don't Run So I Figure We Got An Even Deal
20. I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You
19. I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well
18. I Still Miss You, Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better
17. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win
16. I'll Marry You Tomorrow But Let's Honeymoon Tonight
15. I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like Having You Here
14. I've Got Tears In My Ears From Lyin' On My Back and Cryin' Over You
13. If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You
12. If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I'd Be Out By Now
11. Mama Get A Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head)
10. My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don't Love You
9. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Do Miss Him
8. Please Bypass This Heart
7. She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger
6. You Done Tore Out My Heart And Stomped That Sucker Flat
5. You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly
4. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me
3. She's Actin' Single and I'm Drinkin' Doubles
2. She's Looking Better After Every Beer
1. I Haven't Gone To Bed With Any Ugly Women But I've Sure Woke Up With A Few


18 Aug 00 - 07:55 AM (#280141)
Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: Midchuck

I think the title of one DWDitty sang on HearMe the other night is as good as any of the above. I had thought it was a Dave Van Ronk song but he said Dylan wrote it:

If I Had To Do It All Over Again, I'd Do It All Over You.

Peter.


18 Aug 00 - 12:35 PM (#280279)
Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: Naemanson

Actually there are no jokes about musicians.

They're all true statements!

(Ducking and running away very fast!)


18 Aug 00 - 02:11 PM (#280345)
Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: Bernard

'I left my harp in Sam Frank's Disco...'


18 Aug 00 - 05:01 PM (#280419)
Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: Bernard

What about that trombone player you were out drinking with last night?

She wasn't a trombone player, she was a harpist!

Harpist? You were BOTH pissed!


18 Aug 00 - 05:08 PM (#280426)
Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: Liz the Squeak

It was dress rehearsal night just before the gala first concert of the orchestra's world tour. The conductor raised his baton, fell over in a dead faint and was rushed away to the hospital. As the stunned musicians sat there, the manager said, "Unless one of you can conduct tomorrow, we're ruined and will have to cancel the tour."

The first violist said, "I studied conducting in school if that will help." He took over the rehearsal and went on to conduct the gala concert to the acclaim of the critics and audience. The orchestra left on its tour and received rave reviews where ever it went.

Six weeks later, the conductor had recuperated and rejoined the orchestra. His first act was to stand on the podium and ask the entire orchestra to applaud the violist who had saved the day. He then asked the violist to take his original chair. As the violist sat down, the second violist next to him turned and said, "Where the hell have you been?!"

LTS, via another Roger, this one is a part time penguin....


18 Aug 00 - 05:11 PM (#280429)
Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: Bernard

A mate and I formed a singing duo.

For a while we were called the 'Eavily Brothers - he was Smoking Eavily, I was Drinking Eavily.

Before that we were known as Norfolk and Good.

These days we're known as the Ornamentals - I'm horny, he's mental...


18 Aug 00 - 05:45 PM (#280455)
Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: GUEST, Banjo Johnny

Some favorite jazz standards ...

You Do Something to Me, and I'll do Something to You

I Guess I'll have to Change my Pants

I Got it Good, and That Ain't Bad

== Johnny


18 Aug 00 - 05:48 PM (#280457)
Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: Bernard

Today I Sellotape My Glove To You...


18 Aug 00 - 06:02 PM (#280462)
Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: Tig

The other definition of perfect pitch:

When you throw a bodhran into a skip (dumpster) to land exactly on top of the banjo that's already in there!

As a bodhran player I appreciated the list of bodhran jokes my friend's son had last Whitby - there were over 100 on it already and he was still adding to it. I hate to think how many there will be this year, especially as he plays one too.


18 Aug 00 - 11:08 PM (#280571)
Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: sheba

At the very last minute, a guy is looking for some musicians to play his New Year's Eve party. Everyone is booked...except for a duo: an accordionist and banjo player. In desperation, he books them. On New Year's Eve, the duo walks into the room, instruments in hand. Everyone is prepared for the worst New Year's Eve ever. However, much to everyone's surprise, the duo turns out to be a great hit.

At the end of the evening the host asks if he can book them for next New Year's Eve. "Sure, great," the players reply. "Hey," says the banjo player, "can we leave our instruments here?"


18 Aug 00 - 11:09 PM (#280572)
Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: GUEST,m l mack

A true tale: Mozart and Hayden(sp?) were great friends who liked to play jokes on each other when they were able to meet. Once Mozart handed Hayden some music to play. The right hand came to a high chord, the left hand came to a low one, and there was a middle C to be played as well. Hayden stopped, unable to see how to play it, so Mozart showed him how. When Mozart came to that passage he swooped down and played the middle C with his nose. Later, when they were laughing about it Hayden said "But with your nose it looks easy."


18 Aug 00 - 11:15 PM (#280578)
Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: ol'troll

How 'bout "She Got The Gold-mine And I Got The Shaft"

It's an actual song. Jerry Reed recorded it.

How many clarinet players does it take to change a light bulb?

Just one. But he'll go through an entire case of bulbs looking for one he likes.

troll


19 Aug 00 - 10:22 AM (#280732)
Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: Jeri

Just heard this last night.
A guy walks into a bar and goes up to the big, burly bartender. He orders a drink and says, "You wanna hear my latest banjo joke?"
The bartender says, "Sure, fine, but I gotta tell you, I'm a banjo player. And you see that big, mean-looking guy at the end of the bar? He's a long-haul trucker, and he's a banjo player. So's the guy over by the dartboard with all those darts in his hand. Now, you still wanna tell that joke?"
The man looks around and says "Nah, I don't want to have to explain it three separate times."


19 Aug 00 - 10:29 AM (#280736)
Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: Jeri

Please note that the above joke was told after the joke teller had to explain to me why a bumper sticker saying "visualize grilled cheese" was funny...


19 Aug 00 - 02:35 PM (#280814)
Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: Naemanson

Jeri, when they had to explain the joke did the person think you are a banjo plyer or were you pretending to be a banjo player?

And could you explain "Visualize Grilled Cheese" to me? I left my banjo downstairs.


19 Aug 00 - 03:29 PM (#280835)
Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: Jeri

No, he didn't think I was a banjo player, and he plays one sometimes, so he couldn't have said much! If I'd been quicker, I would have given one of those "Deliverance" smiles and asked if anyone had seen mine, or maybe just drooled a little...

Visualize World Peace=
Visualize Whirled Peas=
Visualize Grilled Cheese

He said it was more of a visual thing with it being on a bumper, but I'm not quite sure I would have understood if I'd seen it.


20 Aug 00 - 12:07 AM (#281018)
Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: Barbara

Here's a truly musical joke, about a musician, and I will tell you how to tell it, but to work it has to be heard rather than read. OK?
There's this brilliant perfectionist clarinet player, part of a combo, and he and the rest of the band are playing the rooftop garden or a really fancy French bistro in Paris.
After a while someone in the restaurant starts a challenge: they name a tune and the band plays it. If they succeed, he buys a round, if they fail, they have to quit playing.
Well, the clarinetist is carrying them. Guy names a tune, he immediately starts to play it (you can provide some cues here, like "Smoke Gets In Your Eyes'; name it and then sing it).
Then the guy says "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", and the clarinetist launches into it, but when he hits the bridge, he locks. Total blank. He absolutely cannot remember the bridge. The guy smirks. Clarinetist starts again (you sing it here). Once again freezes on the bridge. (you stop at that point, stumped). "All right," he shouts, "I'll get it right or I'll kill myself!" (sing it again, stop at the bridge [the bridge starts with the "Where troubles melt like lemon drops"] after a pause, scream). The clarinet player throws down his instrument, tears across the dining area, and flings himself over the edge of the roof. He drops 15 stories, and hits the pavement, and as he is lying there, dying, the last thing he hears is the ambulance coming. (imitate the sound of a french ambulance: the intervals are the same as the beginning of the bridge).
Blessings,
Barbara


20 Aug 00 - 12:41 AM (#281032)
Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: Ebbie

Visualize chilled grease.

Ebbie


20 Aug 00 - 01:06 AM (#281039)
Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: hesperis

Okay, here's another joke about brass players...

So one night, this girl goes out with a Trumpet player.
She gets home, she says goodbye, she goes inside, and her roommate asks her how her date went.
She says: "Oh, I had a good time."
"So are you going out with him tomorrow?"
"No."
"Why not?"
"Well, he really couldn't kiss and he thought he was like, soooo good, you know?"


So the next night, she goes out with a Tuba player.
She gets home, she says goodbye, she goes inside, and her roommate asks her how her date went.
She says: "Oh, I had a good time."
"So are you going out with him tomorrow?"
"No."
"Well, why not?"
"Oh, those thick, floppy lips! Ugh! He totally slobbered all over me, it was disgusting!"


So the next night, she goes out with a Trombone player.
She gets home, she says goodbye, she goes inside, and her roommate asks her how her date went.
She says: "Oh, I had a great time."
"So are you going out with him tomorrow?"
"Um, well, no."
"Oh, let me guess, he couldn't kiss, right?"
"Well, actually, that part of it was okay, but, I don't know, well, it, um, he wasn't that great, yaknowwhatimean?"


So the next night, she goes out with a French Horn player.
She gets home, she says goodbye, she goes inside, and her roommate asks her how her date went.
She says: "Oh, I had a good time."
The roommate gets to the point:
"So could the guy kiss or not?"

"Well, he wasn't any better than anybody else,
but I *loved* the way he held me."


This is my second favorite Brass joke,
my third favorite is the one that ends with "the Horn player IS God."
But I think that one would be egotistical. (sp?)
(Not to mention waaayyyy too long to type today. Me tired.)

~*sirepseh*~
(Can you tell what I play? Hmmmm.)


20 Aug 00 - 03:36 PM (#281237)
Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: GUEST,banjofiddle@yahoo.com

Q: So what did the fiddler say to the contradance caller? A: You want me to start this one off too fast or too slow?


20 Aug 00 - 03:37 PM (#281240)
Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: GUEST,burhans@frognet.net

Q: Why is a viola bigger than a violin? A: Actually, it just looks that way 'cause the violinist's head is bigger!


20 Aug 00 - 04:28 PM (#281250)
Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: GUEST,Maurice

Q; What's the difference between a bodhran player and an onion?

A; When I cut an onion, I shed tears.


20 Aug 00 - 04:33 PM (#281251)
Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: GUEST,Maurice

I just realised that I meant to say "bodhran" and not "bodhran player", but it works either way if your not squeamish!


20 Aug 00 - 04:53 PM (#281259)
Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: Bernard

I went to a party the other day, but got very drunk and left my banjo behind.

The following day I called round to retrieve the banjo, but couldn't remember which house the party had been in. I knew which street, and the fact that the toilet was golden, so I started knocking on doors.

'Do you have a golden toilet?' I asked each householder.

After three unsuccessful attempts to find my beloved banjo, I met with this response:

'So YOU'RE the pillock who crapped in my euphonium!'


20 Aug 00 - 07:02 PM (#281305)
Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: GUEST,Harold Ingledew

What have a bodhran solo and premature ejuaculation got in common.

You know exactly what is coming but you can't do anything about it!


20 Aug 00 - 07:06 PM (#281309)
Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: GUEST,Harold Ingledew

A man goes into a bar in Belfast with a large plastic carrier bag.

Hold on said the barman, what have you got in that bag.

Twenty pounds of semtex said the man.

Jesus said the barman, that's OK. For one moment I thought it was a bodhran.


21 Aug 00 - 07:39 AM (#281569)
Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: Bud Savoie

What's semtex?


21 Aug 00 - 08:11 AM (#281583)
Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: Quincy

Explosive, Bud!!!!!!!!!!


22 Aug 00 - 08:02 AM (#282259)
Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: Rollo

Nice story about Duke Ellington and Fletcher Henderson, conductor of another big band and greatest competitor to the duke:

On evening Duke Ellington found that he had by accident accepted two engagements in two cities, distance some hundred miles. Fletcher Henderson saved the day: Duke Ellington played with Henderson's orchestra, Fletcher Henderson conducted Duke Ellington's orchestra, so both dance halls were satisfied.

Afterwards everyone said Duke Ellington's orchestra had been better than ever this evening...

another nice little story is about dizzy gillespie. He started as a jazz drummer, but decided to change the instrument. The reason: everytime the gig was over and he had stowed away the drum set, the other band members had allready engaged with the beauties and he stayed alone that night.


22 Aug 00 - 08:15 AM (#282264)
Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: ol'troll

It's true. A horn player must play whatever the band leader gives him but the guitar player can take his pick.

troll

doesn't work if you call a pick a plectrum. A rose by any other name is not funny.


22 Aug 00 - 04:19 PM (#282636)
Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: GUEST,Carol

Once upon a time there was a prty of asterisk so they were all happy and smiling. Suddenly a perriot come and all the asterisks started starring at him.He realized tha they were gonna fight with him....Then he said: hi guys1 aren't you recoganizing me? It's me.. I've gel on me! ahhahahahahhahaha!! isn't it funny!!??? carol


22 Aug 00 - 04:51 PM (#282676)
Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: Liz the Squeak

Joke FOR musicians.

Cat on the wall outside: Meeeooooww, rowwwlllll Meeeaaaooooowwwwww!

Sleepy guy out of window: Scat, cat!!

Cat: Scriddly do bap bap bah!

LTS


22 Aug 00 - 06:09 PM (#282740)
Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: Bud Savoie

Question: Why do banjo players bathein the kitchen sink?

Answer: Where else would you wash a vegetable?


23 Aug 00 - 08:16 AM (#283146)
Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: P05139

Found in Reader's Digest!

Q: What do you call a folk musician who takes out a mortgage?

A: An optimist!

SORRY!


03 Jul 01 - 08:44 AM (#497388)
Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: Jim Dixon

Q. How can you tell when there's a drummer at your door?

A. The knocking keeps getting louder and faster.


03 Jul 01 - 10:21 AM (#497471)
Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: Les from Hull

The drummer in a moderately successful rock band is feeling fed up. He's making as much money as the rest of the guys but nobody notices him behind all those cymbals and things. So he's getting no groupie action.

Determined to change this, he marches into a shop. 'Gimme a red vintage Strat, the biggest Marshall stack you've got and a couple of dozen of those effects things,' he demands.

'What do you want all that for, you're a drummer aren't you?' says the shopkeeper.

'How did you know that?' says the drummer.

'This is a greengrocers!' says the shopkeeper.


04 Jul 01 - 01:14 AM (#498027)
Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: Chip2447

Another definition of perfect pith....When you toss the Bagpipes into the dumpster and crush an accordian.


04 Jul 01 - 06:40 PM (#498535)
Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: vectis

What do you call an empty seat on a coach full of banjo players driving over a cliff?
A total waste of space


04 Jul 01 - 06:42 PM (#498538)
Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: Naemanson

I just heard this one today!

Did you hear of the bass player who locked his keys in the car? He had to break a window to get the drummer out.


04 Jul 01 - 06:46 PM (#498540)
Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: Naemanson

I couldn't be at the last Mocha cafe open mike so a friend took over the MC duties for me. He started with a few jokes, picking particularly on drummers. Then he announced the first act and two guys came up with African drums. They settled themselves, got the mikes adjusted, and one looked out into the crowd and said, "Did you hear of the MC who told too many drummer jokes? He had to visit the proctologist after the show.!"


04 Jul 01 - 06:52 PM (#498546)
Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: GUEST,Jenny

Child "When I grow up I want to be a folk singer" Mother "You can't do both dear"

What is the difference between a folk singer and a pension plan? One of them matures and makes money.......

How do you know when there's a banjo player/drummer (insert most loathed instrument) at the door? He hasn't got a key and he doesn't know when to come in.


04 Jul 01 - 06:53 PM (#498549)
Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: GUEST,Jenny

Did you hear about the folk singer who won the lottery?

He just kept on being a folk singer until it was all gone.


04 Jul 01 - 09:23 PM (#498621)
Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: GUEST,Phillip

True story: At a jazz gig one evening, during a break, a cowboy-looking guy with slicked hair, Levi's, fringed leather jacket and boots comes up to the bandstand carrying a guitar case and asks if he can sit in. The piano player/bandleader isn't too enthused and sort of sneers down his nose at the guy. He tells him, "We don't play much Country!"

Well, it's a slow evening and there aren't more than a dozen people in the place so the other bandmembers prevail upon the bandleader to let the guy play. The piano player grudgingly agrees. Well, the guitar player plays like Joe Pass! Absolutely cuts the piano player and plays him under the table. The rest of the band members are having a great time playing with a great musician when, after about three tunes, he makes a move to get up and put his guitar away to leave. "Why do you wanna leave?" the piano player asks. "I guess you'all don't play much jazz, either!"


05 Jul 01 - 10:59 AM (#498937)
Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: THE KID

WHAT HAS FOUR BALLS AND SIX LEGS?

A- PETER, PAUL AND MARY


05 Jul 01 - 12:56 PM (#499036)
Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: BobP

Once upon a time Art Thieme was on his way to a gig when he heard a strange noise under the hood.

He slowed down and the noise stopped, so okay he thought, but then cars were passing him and he was worried about going so slow.

On his CB, it them days, he picked up a conversation and it turned out to be Al and Bobby Unser who were right on his rear and late for their next race.

Art picks up the mic, explains his problem and asks why they don't pass.

They respond that they tend to drive cautiously because public roads are so scary; and rarely pass, preferring not to draw attention or send a bad messages to their fans.

Then, they offered to help.

At the next rest stop Al checks under the hood and discovers a package of pastrami causing the problem.

Art, it turned out, put it there to heat for lunch and had forgot about it.

So he sang a few tunes and they all enjoyed sandwiches and then headed back to the road.

They waved so long as they pulled out passing Art who was still packing up his guitar.

Out on the highway Art picks up a new conversation and recognizes the voices . . .

"That Thieme fellow's okay; can't say much for his pastrami, but as a folksinger, he's unserpassed. Ohhhhhhnoooooo!!!!!! punsterpunishment


28 Oct 01 - 03:02 PM (#581487)
Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: Justa Picker

In New York City, an out of work jazz drummer named Ed was thinking of throwing himself off a bridge. But then he ran into a former booking agent who told him about the fantastic opportunities for drummers in Iraq.

The agent said "If you can find your way over there, just take my card and look up the bandleader named Faisal--he's the large guy with the beard wearing gold pajamas and shoes that curl up at the toes."

Ed hit up everyone he knew and borrowed enough to buy transport to Iraq. It took several days to arrange for passport, visas, transportation into Iraq and the shipping of his equipment, but he was finally on his way. Ed arrived in Baghdad and immediately started searching for Faisal.

He found guys in pajamas of every color but gold. Finally, in a small coffeehouse, he saw a huge man with a beard--wearing gold pajamas and shoes that curled up at the toes! Ed approached him and asked if he was Faisal. He was. Ed gave him the agent's card and Faisal's face brightened into a huge smile. "You're just in time--I need you for a gig tonight. Meet me at the market near the mosque at 7:30 with your equipment."

"But," gasped Ed, "what about a rehearsal?"

"No time--don't worry." And with that, Faisal disappeared.

Ed arrived in the market at 7:00 to set up his gear. He introduced himself to the other musicians, who were all playing instruments he had never seen in his life.

At 7:30 sharp, Faisal appeared and hopped on the bandstand, his gold pajamas glittering in the twilight. Without a word to the musicians, he lifted his arm for the downbeat.

"Wait." shouted Ed.
"What are we playing?"

Faisal shot him a look of frustration and shouted back, "Fake it! Just give me heavy afterbeats on 7 and 13."


28 Oct 01 - 07:32 PM (#581603)
Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: Joe_F

There once was a Scottish musician
Who preferred 69 to coition.
Said he, with a grin,
As he wiped off his chin,
It's all part of our oral tradition.

-- Overheard at Pinewoods some years ago


10 Apr 02 - 07:24 PM (#687450)
Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: Gypsy

This is a refresh for Just Amy. And thought we could use a little humour right now, anyway. At least, i could.


11 Apr 02 - 05:05 PM (#688129)
Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: croc

What's the difference between a drummer and a drum machine? You only have to punch the rhythm into a drum machine once.


13 Apr 02 - 08:43 AM (#689074)
Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: Hrothgar

Why do drummers go around in threes?

They think one's playing melody, one's paying harmony, and the other's playing percussion.