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Funniest Talking Blues Song

28 Jan 00 - 01:22 PM (#169801)
Subject: Funniest Talking Blues Song

Which song in the talking Blues format do you all find the funniest of the genre?
[Many song titles in this thread have been converted to links by a Mudelf.]

28 Jan 00 - 01:26 PM (#169807)
Subject: RE: Funniest Talking Blues Song
From: Steve Latimer


28 Jan 00 - 01:31 PM (#169812)
Subject: RE: Funniest Talking Blues Song
From: catspaw49



28 Jan 00 - 02:19 PM (#169827)
Subject: RE: Funniest Talking Blues Song
From: Barbara

"YOWZAH" and "IT DOES NOT PAY TO BE HIP" by Shel Silverstein are good too.

28 Jan 00 - 02:26 PM (#169830)
Subject: RE: Funniest Talking Blues Song
From: kendall


28 Jan 00 - 02:37 PM (#169835)
Subject: RE: Funniest Talking Blues Song
From: TerriM


28 Jan 00 - 02:47 PM (#169838)
Subject: RE: Funniest Talking Blues Song
From: Vixen

My vote goes for the TALKIN' CANDY BAR BLUES.

I 'spect I'll get a round of groans for nominating "BLUES (MY NAUGHTY SWEETIE GIVES TO ME)"


28 Jan 00 - 03:38 PM (#169861)
Subject: RE: Funniest Talking Blues Song
From: bobby's girl

My vote definitely goes to Tom Paxton's TALKING VIETNAM POTLUCK BLUES - it's years since I first heard it but it still makes me laugh!

28 Jan 00 - 04:06 PM (#169873)
Subject: RE: Funniest Talking Blues Song
From: Wesley S

Whatever happened to talking blues? I don't see them much anymore - maybe I'm not looking in the right places. One current TB that I enjoyed is called "TALKIN' CAVAN" on Tim O'Brien's new CD called The Crossing. It's about his search for distant relations in Ireland. The whole CD is a mix of bluegrass and Celtic musicians and styles. Great stuff - check it out.

28 Jan 00 - 04:35 PM (#169883)
Subject: Lyr Add: RV BLUES (Kendall Morse & Smokey Green)
From: kendall

(Kendall Morse & Smokey Green)

If you want to get in trouble, I'll tell you how to do it
Get an RV and then you're into it
You fix all day and tinker all night,
never get the damn thing running right
Always breaking down, flat tires, fouled spark plugs.

I bought my rig about a year ago
The man said I'd own it in 10 years or so
So, I went to my banker, and he was soft
He knew I'd never live to pay it all off
Cost me every cent I had..or ever gonna have
Feeling trapped..stupid.

I jumped in that rig and headed south,
6 miles to the gallon living hand to mouth
I thought, "Oh well, I can live with this."
then the tranny refused to shift.
Some greaseball said it was the bands
I didn't hear no music,
He must have been tone deaf.

On I 81 the engine coughed,
I hit a bump and the muffler fell off
Like to caught my death in the snow and rain
Finally got it back together again
Still sounds like a tank.

The fridge worked good when the weather was cold
Then it warmed up and I had 3 kinds of mold
At 30 degrees the furnace quit, propane was gone, no place to buy it.

I got to Florida just the same,
heard it was warmer back home in Maine
Hope it warms up for my wife's sake
I told her the weather just had to break
Everything on the motorhome has.

I had a time at the dump station today
I pulled that handle, and the hose gave way
Got it all over me and the RV too
When I got done swearing the air was blue
People in the next camper was laughing
Then, the wind shifted.

Well, I cleaned her up as best I could
Went in to shower get rid of the crud
Got all soaped down went to rinse off
The friggin' water heater went off
ICE WATER never this cold when you want a drink..

I'd like to sell it and get off this kick
But, the payment book's about two feet thick
I'd lose my shirt if I sold it now
So, I'll keep fixin' keep it runnin' somehow
Feeling trapped.. HEY BUDDY..WANNA BUY A CAMPER?


28 Jan 00 - 05:59 PM (#169931)
Subject: RE: Funniest Talking Blues Song
From: Micca

There was a great one by Lonnie Donegan [TALKING GUITAR BLUES] in the 50s that went something like:

If you want to get in trouble let me tell you how to do it
get yourself a Guitar and then your right into it
you play all day and you play all night
people say you'll never learn to play the thing right
always messing about moaning at you, groaning,
won't let you practice

well I've got myself a guitar about a year ago
the man said I could learn it in a week or so
so I took the book, guitar and all
and went back home where the trees are tall,
down in Woodford, good place to be if you got a guitar
pretty rotten if you ain't.

Well, I like it along with the Tom Paxton TALKING VIETNAM POTLUCK BLUES which he did at the Royal Albert Hall with this wonderful guitar intro which he played 3 times with a dreamy vacant expression!!!

28 Jan 00 - 06:18 PM (#169936)
Subject: RE: Funniest Talking Blues Song
From: Bill D

this thread...all about nothing includes the TALKIN' NOTHIN' BLUES.

28 Jan 00 - 09:21 PM (#170012)
Subject: RE: Funniest Talking Blues Song
From: Stewie

My favourites are Dick Feller's 'LORD, MR. FORD', which still holds up pretty well after a couple of decades, and Ramblin' Jack's 'EAST TEXAS TALKING BLUES'. I'll post the lyrics as 'Lyr add' threads.

Cheers, Stewie.

28 Jan 00 - 09:41 PM (#170021)
Subject: RE: Funniest Talking Blues Song
From: Sorcha

Maybe..........Talkin' Blues now equals cowboy Poetry??????

29 Jan 00 - 02:00 AM (#170121)
Subject: RE: Funniest Talking Blues Song
From: GUEST,Benjamin


29 Jan 00 - 02:44 AM (#170126)
Subject: RE: Funniest Talking Blues Song
From: bseed(charleskratz)

Woodie Guthrie's "TALKING FISHING BLUES" is a pretty good one.


29 Jan 00 - 07:45 PM (#170144)
Subject: RE: Funniest Talking Blues Song

TALKING BIRMINGHAM JAM by Phil Ochs was pretty damn funny

29 Jan 00 - 08:43 PM (#170194)
Subject: RE: Funniest Talking Blues Song
From: Mark Roffe

Talkin' LSD blues, which I learned in the sixties from a Sing Out magazine. It began:

Well I was readin' in the paper, what did I see
There's a brand new drug called LSD
Some say it's good, some say it's bad
Some say it's the weirdest thing they ever had
Biggest thing since asprin...
Twice as controversial.

30 Jan 00 - 06:29 PM (#170655)
Subject: RE: Funniest Talking Blues Song
From: Lanfranc


OK, it's not quite in the standard meter, but how about "A BOY NAMED SUE" by Shel Silverstein - it's funny, talked and pretty much to a blues template?

30 Jan 00 - 10:44 PM (#170763)
Subject: RE: Funniest Talking Blues Song
From: ddw

There's a pretty good one in the digitrad called TALKING FOLK MUSICIAN PURIST SNOB BLUES that's pretty funny. Still, I think my favorite is still Paxton's TALKING POP ART.


31 Jan 00 - 01:38 PM (#171123)
Subject: RE: Funniest Talking Blues Song
From: GeorgeH

Peggy Seeger's "Talking Want Blues" is still my favourite . .


31 Jan 00 - 01:48 PM (#171133)
Subject: RE: Funniest Talking Blues Song
From: GUEST,Sarah-HS

Hmmmm. I wonder if this counts as talking blues: Hank Williams (as Luke the Drifter): "EVERYTHING'S OKAY"

01 Feb 00 - 10:53 AM (#171670)
Subject: RE: Funniest Talking Blues Song
From: Pontiac Joe

I like Bromberg's BULLFROG BLUES

01 Feb 00 - 04:58 PM (#171842)
Subject: RE: Funniest Talking Blues Song
From: Songster Bob

Mention has been made of the "TALKING GUITAR BLUES", attributed to a latter-day performer, but originally called "Red Foley's Talking Blues," I think, and picked up by most of us who do it from Woody Guthrie.

Mention has been made of my "TALKING FOLK MUSICIAN PURIST SNOB BLUES," with kind words for which I thank you. That one was based, in the opening line, anyway, on Woody's "TALKING DUST BOWL BLUES," which I've always liked a lot.

The original "TALKING BLUES" was recorded in 1926 by Chris Bouchillon, a string band performer whose singing voice was only so-so, so the producer said, "Why not just talk one of these songs? I really like the way you talk." The resulting number starts,

If you want to get to Heaven, let me tell you how to do it,
Grease your feet with a little mutton suet.
Slip right out of the Devil's hand,
And slide right over to the Promised Land.
Take it easy .... Go greasy!

Most "talking blues" ever since have used pretty much the same format, of two couplets followed by a laconic aside of questionable humor.

That's why I like 'em.

Bob Clayton

01 Feb 00 - 05:37 PM (#171867)
Subject: Lyr Add: TALKIN' SEATTLE BLUES (Todd Snider)
From: Clinton Hammond2

You folks never heard the "Talkin' Seattle Blues" By Todd Snider?

Lemme see if I can find it...

As recorded by Todd Snider on "Songs for the Daily Planet" (1994)*

CHORUS: Hey, hey, my, my,
Rock 'n' roll will never die.
Just hang your hair down in your eyes.
You'll make a million dollars.

Well, I was in this band goin' nowhere fast.
We sent out demos but everybody passed,
So one day we finally took the plunge,
Moved out to Seattle to play some grunge.
Washington State that is,
Space Needle.
Eddie Vedder.
Muddin' honey!

Now to fit in fast, we wear flannel shirts.
We turn our amps up until it hurts.
We got bad attitudes, and what's more,
When we play, we stare straight down at the floor
While we—pretty scary.
How pensive!
How totally alternative!

Now to fit in on the Seattle scene,
You gotta do somethin' they ain't never seen,
So thinkin' up a gimmick one day,
We decided to be the only band that wouldn't play
A note
Under any circumstances.
Music's original alternative.
Roots grunge.

Well, we spread the word through the underground
That we were the hottest new thing in town.
A record guy come out to see us one day,
And just like always, we didn't play.
It knocked him out.
He said he loved our work.
He said he loved our work but he wasn't sure if he could sell a record with nothin' on it.
I said, "Tell him we're from Seattle."
He advanced us two and a half million dollars.


Well, they made us do a video but that wasn't tough,
'Cause we just filmed ourselves smashin' stuff.
It was kinda weird 'cause there was no music,
But MTV said they'd love to use it.
The kids went wild; the kids went nuts.
Rolling Stone gave us a 5-star review, said we played with guts.
We were scorin' chicks, takin' drugs,
Then we got asked to play MTV Unplugged.
You should 'a' seen it.
We went right out there and refused to do acoustical versions of the electrical songs that we had refused to record in the first place.
Then we smashed our shit.

Well, we blew 'em away at the Grammy show
By refusing to play and refusing to go,
And then just when we thought fame would last forever,
Along come this band that wasn't even together.
Now that's alternative!
Hell, that's alternative to alternative.
I feel stupid.
And contagious.

Well, our band got dropped and that ain't funny,
'Cause we're all hooked on drugs, but we're out o' money,
So the other day I called up the band.
I said, "Boys, I've taken all I can.
Shave off your goatees; pack the van.
We're goin' back to Athens.

[* Another "live" version of this song, called "TALKING SEATTLE GRUNGE ROCK BLUES" appeared on "Near Truths and Hotel Rooms" (2003). Only a few phrases are changed.]

01 Feb 00 - 11:50 PM (#172068)
Subject: RE: Funniest Talking Blues Song
From: GUEST,Rev Carr

I nominate the old Bob Dylan rarity "TALKIN' BEAR MOUNTAIN PICNIC MASSACRE BLUES." It's hard to find, but it's hilarious (and based on a true story).

02 Feb 00 - 11:19 AM (#172304)
Subject: RE: Funniest Talking Blues Song
From: Steve Latimer


I have never heard that one, but it's a beauty.

Do you remember the Weird Al one that was a send up on the whole Seattle sound? Something to the effect of "this is the part of the song that's really quiet, (Full grunge Chords heavily distorted) and this is the part of the song that's really loud" Funny as hell.

03 Feb 00 - 01:15 AM (#172730)
Subject: RE: Funniest Talking Blues Song
From: GUEST,simon-pierre

Dylan's «TALKIN' HAVA NEGEILAH BLUES». That's all the lyrics...

03 Feb 00 - 03:23 AM (#172740)
Subject: RE: Funniest Talking Blues Song
From: Clinton Hammond2


It's a ghost track on Todd Snider And The Nervious Wrecks album Songs For The Daily Planet... My mom also has a video tape of them on Austin City limits, with slightly differnt lyrics...

Great energy! Great songwriting! Great music all'round!


03 Feb 00 - 11:20 AM (#172856)
Subject: RE: Funniest Talking Blues Song
From: GUEST,guest

Has anyone heard the SIGNIFYIN' MONKEY?

That's maybe the funniest blues I have ever heard, with "ANSWER TO THE LAUNDROMAT BLUES" running a distant second.

03 Feb 00 - 12:21 PM (#172878)
Subject: RE: Funniest Talking Blues Song
From: Skipjack K8

My favourite for the last 20+ years is Charlie Daniels 'UNEASY RIDER'. It taught me more about American social history than any other single document.


03 Feb 00 - 02:02 PM (#172927)
Subject: RE: Funniest Talking Blues Song
From: GUEST,Jon Nickleodeon

Does anyone know the words to TALKING POP ART, by Tom Paxton thanks

04 Aug 00 - 07:44 PM (#271638)
Subject: RE: Funniest Talking Blues Song
From: okthen

alan ever heard "THE FATHER OF A BOY NAMED SUE" by Shel Silverstein, cash would NOT have recorded that



04 Aug 00 - 11:56 PM (#271736)
Subject: RE: Funniest Talking Blues Song
From: MarkS

Don't forget David Bromberg's "BEWARE, BROTHER, BEWARE." Not the same as talking blues by Dylan, Guthrie, or Elliot, but still funny and entertaining.

"Don't DO that!"

05 Aug 00 - 07:51 PM (#272054)
Subject: Lyr Add: FRATERNITY BLUES (Townes Van Zandt)
From: GUEST,Ely

As recorded by Townes Van Zandt on "Live at the Old Quarter, Houston, Texas" (2008)

I decided to improve my social station.
I joined a fraternal organization,
Tucked in my shirt, signed on the line.
Right away they set about to improve my mind,

The car I drove, the books I read, the food I ate, the booze I drank, the girls I took out,--my breath.

They said, "Kid, we don't much like the way you walk,
And you're gonna have to change the way you talk."
They said, "Your dress is kinda slouchy,
And your attitude is mighty grouchy.

They said, "You got to learn to bubble. You got to bubble with enthusiasm." I started bubbling.

The most important thing, you can't forget,
Is learning the entire Greek alphabet.
I never did really understand
How that was going to make me any more of a man,

But I learnt it.... I can whip through that son-of-a-beta backwards in five seconds.

Then they hit me with some pretty bad news
Concerning the payment of monthly dues.
I never did know where that money went,
And I never was sure it was real well spent,

But I paid it.... I'm no trouble-causer and besides, I figured that's life--if you want good friends, they're gonna cost you.

Well, it finally got to be party time.
I got a great big ol' jug of wine.
I went back to the house in about an hour
Everybody's drinking whiskey sours,

Brandy Alexanders, frozen daiquiris, reciting the Greek alphabet to one another.

I could see I was gonna do my very best
To get myself out of that fraternity mess.
I stood right there outside the door
And I chugged that wine like never before,

Walked inside and bubbled.... All over a couple of their dates.

So, now everything's back to normal again,
But there's still lots of room for improvement, friend.
Course, that fraternity stuff's too much for me
Next time I'm gonna join a sorority.

Really give 'em something to bubble about.

05 Aug 00 - 09:17 PM (#272097)
Subject: RE: Funniest Talking Blues Song
From: okthen


06 Aug 00 - 05:45 PM (#272513)
Subject: RE: Funniest Talking Blues Song
From: GUEST,Rich(stupidbodhranplayerwhodoesn'tknowbetter

My all-time favorite has got to be Woody Guthrie's "TALKING HARD WORK" It's hysterical. It may be a stretch, but Ron Thomasin's intros during live performances of the Dry Branch Fire Squad are also really funny. I heard a few people complain that "ONce he gets to talkin', he forgets that he's SUPPOSED to be playin' music up there", but I think that's half of their charm. If you don't have the opportunity to see them, their "Live...At Last' CD is a must.

07 Aug 00 - 04:53 PM (#273105)
Subject: RE: Funniest Talking Blues Song
From: Miss`Ippe

How 'bout John Hurt's "COFFEE BLUES",,,,,,,,,love that Maxwell House!

07 Aug 00 - 09:47 PM (#273288)
Subject: RE: Funniest Talking Blues Song
From: ddw

I'm not sure they qualify as "talking blues," but a bunch of Ray Stevens's things are hilarious — the one that comes to mind first is The Day I Taught Charleen McKenzie How To Drive. Great stuff!.


18 Mar 04 - 03:03 AM (#1139752)
Subject: RE: Funniest Talking Blues Song
From: SmokinBill

Dan Bern's "TALKIN' ALIEN ABDUCTION BLUES" is a more recent classic. Here's a little of it:

I don't know what made me go out that night
At that hour I'd have normally been in bed
But I found myself lookin' up at the sky
At a very bright light straight overhead
It flashed green
Then Red
Santa Claus colors

I stood there frozen in that light
Then I started hearin' this kind of whir
The lights got louder and the noise got brighter
And I felt a sudden chill
It was cold
I shouldn't have gone out without a coat
My mom was right again ...

Smokin Bill's Digital Depot

18 Mar 04 - 03:26 AM (#1139757)
Subject: RE: Funniest Talking Blues Song
From: John MacKenzie

I always liked TALKING POP ART by Tom Paxton


18 Mar 04 - 03:41 AM (#1139766)
Subject: RE: Funniest Talking Blues Song
From: GUEST,Shlio

ALICE'S RESTAURANT MASSACREE is the funniest, but Dylan's "Talkin' John Birch Paranoid Blues" comes a close second.
The lyrics are here

18 Mar 04 - 07:10 AM (#1139864)
Subject: RE: Funniest Talking Blues Song
From: ced2

Talking Nursery Rhyme Blues.. words generally strung together by an odd collection of people I know/knew... verses vary according to what takes your fancy. A sample:-

Little Miss Muffet,
Sat on her tuffet,
Eating her curds and whey,
Along came a spider,
Which sat down beside her,
So she crushed it with her spoon,
Mixed well with her curds,
And carried on eatin'

18 Mar 04 - 08:13 AM (#1139896)
Subject: RE: Funniest Talking Blues Song
From: Strollin' Johnny

'Flat-Pack Furniture Blues' is hilarious. Don't know who wrote it but a guy called John Mitchell (a.k.a. Mitch) from, I think, the Sheffield area does it. Brilliant. :0) :0)

18 Mar 04 - 09:36 AM (#1139970)
Subject: RE: Funniest Talking Blues Song
From: John P

I used to do "The Walrus and the Carpenter" by Lewis Carrol as a talking blues.

On the grunge thing, I live in Seattle and one time I was in a recording studio and the engineer was all amazed. His last client was a band from the midwest somewhere that played grunge. They flew to Seattle and booked three days in the studio, recorded and album, and flew home. All so the album cover could say "recorded in Seattle". What a wierd thing popular perception is . . .

John Peekstok

18 Mar 04 - 11:29 AM (#1140059)
Subject: RE: Funniest Talking Blues Song
From: Uncle_DaveO

ALICE'S RESTAURANT MASSACREE is a hoot, all right, but it's not a talking blues, methinks. It doesn't really conform to the "rules" or understood format of a talking blues.

I'd call it a recitation or a monologue with musical interludes.

Which doesn't change the fact that it's a GREAT WORK OF ART!

Dave Oesterreich

18 Mar 04 - 11:55 AM (#1140076)
Subject: RE: Funniest Talking Blues Song
From: Uncle_DaveO

I like and regularly perform TALKING UNDERTAKER BLUES .
I don't have any idea where I got this. It's not in the DT. It may possibly have a tune to it, but I've never heard anyone perform it but me. Click above and enjoy!

Dave Oesterreich

18 Mar 04 - 12:19 PM (#1140099)
Subject: RE: Funniest Talking Blues Song

I guess you gotta be world famous to be appreciated

18 Mar 04 - 07:49 PM (#1140471)
Subject: RE: Funniest Talking Blues Song
From: Gorgeous Gary

I have a few favorites, although they're all out of the filk community. My favorite is "TALKIN' BUILDING Q BLUES" by Indianapolis filker (and degreed ethnomusicologist...) Barry Childs-Helton which is a send-up of the US-government-is-hiding-a-UFO idea. There's also Frank Hayes' "LIKE A LAMB TO THE SLAUGHTER" which is a shortening (hmm...perhaps a poor choice of words there...) of "Matty Groves". Actually, I sang the latter at an Open Sing once; the theme was "Long and Short".

-- Gary

18 Mar 04 - 11:02 PM (#1140560)
Subject: Lyr Add: TRAVELIN' MAN (Pink Anderson)
From: Bee-dubya-ell

I do Pink Anderson's "Travelin' Man" as a talking blues. I've heard Roy Book Binder do it with a true melody, but I couldn't remember how the melody went so I just made it into a talking blues.

(Pink Anderson)

Folks, I want to tell you 'bout a man named Bloom
He come from down in New Orleans
And made his living stealing chickens
And anything he could see
That popeyed man could run so fast
That his feet wouldn't stay in the road
And if a freight train passed, no matter how fast
He could always get on board

He was a travelling man
Certainly was a travelling man
He was the most travellin'est man
There ever was in the land
He travelled East, he travelled West
Was known for miles around
And he never got caught & he never got whupped
Til the police shot him down

Well Bloom went down to the spring one day
To fetch himself a pail of water
The distance this rascal had to traverse
Was approximately three miles & a quarter
Now he filled up the bucket & started back
Then he stumbled & fell down
He ran back to the house, grabbed another bucket
And caught the water b'fore it hit the ground

Well the police shot him with a rifle
And the bullet went thru his head
The folks was comin' from miles around
Just to see if that boy was dead
Telegrammed down south where his mama lived
She was all upset with tears
She walked up & opened the coffin lid
But that fool had disappeared

Now Bloom was on the Titantic Ship
When it was sinking low
He was standing outside the railing
And he had his head hung low
Well the people who saw him jump overboard
Said 'Get a load of that crazy fool!'
But just 45 minutes after that
He was shooting craps in Liverpool

Now the police caught that Bloom at last
They had him up to hang one day
The judge leaned over, said 'My good man
Do you have any last words to say?'
He asked the courtroom to bow their heads
To bow their heads in prayer
Then he crossed one leg & winked one eye
And vanished straight up in the air


19 Mar 04 - 05:38 AM (#1140723)
Subject: RE: Funniest Talking Blues Song
From: Schantieman

I'm surprised no-one's mentioned the TALKING FOLK CLUB BLUES as performed by Fred Wedlock back in the seventies. Maybe it's not funny ;-)


05 Oct 07 - 07:11 PM (#2164761)
Subject: RE: Funniest Talking Blues Song
From: GUEST,Juniorfan

Where would I find the Chords to This song?

05 Oct 07 - 07:36 PM (#2164770)
Subject: RE: Funniest Talking Blues Song
From: Peace

What song?

05 Oct 07 - 07:37 PM (#2164772)
Subject: RE: Funniest Talking Blues Song
From: Bill D

??? which song? You gotta say more than that.

05 Oct 07 - 07:54 PM (#2164787)
Subject: RE: Funniest Talking Blues Song
From: bobad

Uncle DaveO, in regards to the song TALKING UNDERTAKER BLUES which you mentioned in your post of 18 Mar 04 - 11:55 AM , it is a Patrick Sky song entitled "TALKING SOCIALIZED ANTI-UNDERTAKER BLUES" a recording of which is included on the compilation album "Singer Songwriter Project" issued on the Electra label as EKS 7299 which also featured Bruce Murdoch, Dick Farina, and Dave Cohen.

05 Oct 07 - 08:07 PM (#2164792)
From: bobad

One of my favorites is:

Song Lyrics

Well, when Woody Guthrie was sick and dying
Bob Dylan visited him as he was lying
In a hospital bed, Bob sang him songs
Woody smiled and said I'm glad you come
You belong here
Go forth and be the voice of your generation

Well, above Beverly Hills one night real late
I snuck past a security gate
Parked by a Mercedes Benz
Climbed up a barbed wire fence and over
Couple of scratches, but I'd made it
To the home of Bruce Springsteen

Well, I found the boss asleep in bed
Pillows piled up round his head
I turned on the light took off my coat
Stuck a thermometer down his throat
Said don't talk
You look pale, Boss
Not at all well

I said you look bad and I asked him could he
Think of us as Bob and Woody
I said you just rest your pretty head
As I sing to you in your hospital bed
He said what the hell you talking about
I ain't sick
This ain't a hospital
And how'd you get past the security gate?

I said I wrote you a song called Song To Bruce
With a tune I stole from one of yours
To his platinum records next I pointed
Said I just want to be anointed
Springsteen, I wrote you a song
'Bout a funny ol' world that's a coming along
Seems sick and it's tired it's hard and it's torn
It looks like it's dying and it's hardly been born
He started really looking sick
And I stopped singing

Then Patty his wife came in I said jeez
I'm sorry about your husband's incurable disease
I'm here to help any way I can
You know, Woody and Bob, Bruce and Dan
She said honey, what am I hearing?
He said baby, you know I'm in the prime of life
I said down to two million in sales last time out
Read the signs, Patty

He said some people think this record's my best
I said shhhhh, you need your rest
He said there's a madman on the loose
I said Woody and Bob, Dan and Bruce

He sprang out of his bed and said
All right, I've heard enough of this stuff
He grabbed my throat and dragged me hard
Down the hall and through the yard
Surprising strength for a dying man

Well, he threw me out the way I come
Barbed wire scraped my face and thumbs
I've been thinking ever since
Bob and Woody
Dan and the artist formerly known as Prince
Dan and Madonna
Bob and Woody-
Dan and Bob
So long, Bel Air
Howdy, Malibu

You should really hear it sung for full effect, Dan does some real funny voice caricatures of Bob and Bruce.

06 Oct 07 - 10:32 AM (#2165121)
Subject: RE: Funniest Talking Blues Song
From: Mr Red

I once wrote a forgettable lyric called Talking Cow Blues about a lass known locally as Yappie Maggie. She wans't benign.

06 Oct 07 - 10:54 AM (#2165133)
Subject: RE: Funniest Talking Blues Song
From: Big Jim from Jackson

One of the early proponents of talking blues was a fellow named Robert Lunn. Robert was a regular on the Grand Ol Opry in the late '30's and early '40's. At one point he received more fan mail than any other Opry performer. Starday Records issued an LP a number of years ago, but I don't know how a person could get a copy unless some 'Catter has it and would make it available by copying it. Songster Bob mentioned in a post above that The Original "TALKING BLUES" from back in the late "20's and gave a brief quote of some of the lyrics. Robert did a "cover" of that particular song. An additional part went something like:
Down in the henhouse on my knees
I thought I heard a chicken sneeze.
It was nothin' but the rooster sayin' his prayers,
Givin' out orders to the hens upstairs.
Just a preachin';
Prayin', too;
Givin' out religion.

06 Oct 07 - 11:16 AM (#2165145)
Subject: RE: Funniest Talking Blues Song
From: GUEST,Jim

I forget who wrote it, but the Renovation Talking Blues was a good one.

06 Oct 07 - 11:23 AM (#2165147)
Subject: RE: Funniest Talking Blues Song
From: GUEST,Warwick Slade

Remember 'LIFE GETS TEEJUS, DON'T IT?' Who did that now?

06 Oct 07 - 11:37 AM (#2165157)
Subject: RE: Funniest Talking Blues Song
From: Bill D

"LIFE GETS TEEJUS, DON'T IT?" was done by Doc Watson, among others.

06 Oct 07 - 06:30 PM (#2165476)
Subject: RE: Funniest Talking Blues Song

"TALK BACKWARDS" - by Steve Goodman

"A LITTLE BIT LATE" - Lewie Wickham

06 Oct 07 - 07:09 PM (#2165494)
Subject: RE: Funniest Talking Blues Song
From: Rog Peek


06 Oct 07 - 09:05 PM (#2165547)
Subject: Lyr Add: TALKIN' HARVEST TIME BLUES (S Davis)
From: Janie

Keep waitin' for somebody to mention Stephanie Davis'


Well, it starts with a catalogue that comes in the mail
In the middle of the winter, when you've had it with those pale
Thick-skinned, store-bought, sorry, hard-as-rock
Excuses for tomatoes with the flavor of a sock

And there on the cover sits THE juicy, red, ripe
Homegrown tomato you've had dancing in your head
Never mind you said last August that you'd had it up to here
With the hoeing and the weeding--that's what you say every year!

So, you fix a cup of cocoa, sink into your favorite chair
Put your feet up and you thumb through the pictures and compare
Big Boys, Better Boys, Early Girls, Romas
The new disease and drought-resistant hybrid from Sonoma!

Then it's on to peas and carrots, lima beans and beets and kale
And you've never tried kohlrabi--say, the lettuce is on sale!
What's a garden without sweet corn?--better plant some marigolds
And you just read in "Prevention" 'bout how garlic's good for colds!

So, you phone an order in that nearly melts your Visa card
Then stare out at the foot of snow that blankets your backyard
And visualize your garden, oh, so peaceful and serene
Until at last you close your eyes and slip into a dream about:

CHORUS: Harvest time (bushels of red, ripe tomatoes!)
Harvest time (sweet corn that melts in your mouth!)

Well, the days turn to weeks and the next thing you know
There's a robin at the feeder and the last patch of snow
Disappears 'bout the time that a UPS truck
Backs up to your house and you stand there, awestruck

As 47 "Perishable--Plant Right Away"-
Marked boxes are unloaded on your porch as you say,
"Are you sure?" "Yes, ma'am, need your signature here?
Looks like someone's gonna have 'em quite a garden this year!"

Well, you watch him drive away, then you sink to your knees
'Cause you feel a little woozy: Forty-seven boxes--Please!
God, I know I've got a problem and we've had this talk before
But help me this one last time--I won't order anymore!

Just then, as if in answer to your prayer, your sister's van
Pulls up into the driveway with Aunt Martha, Uncle Stan,
Two nephews and a cousin, who just stopped to say hello
But soon are sporting calluses as up and down each row

You, their warden, push 'em; it's a scene from "Cool Hand Luke":
"Over there--those clods need breaking! Leave more space around that cuke!
See those bags of steer manure? Bring a dozen over--fast!
Yes, I know you have lumbago, but you'll thank me when at last (it's)

CHORUS: Harvest time (show you what a real strawberry tastes like!)
Harvest time (might even let you help me dig potatoes!)

Well, that night it starts to sprinkle and you can't help feeling smug
'Cause your garden's in the ground and getting watered while you're snug
Underneath the covers, or at least until midnight
When the temperature starts dropping and in no time you're smack right

In the middle of your garden, in your jammies, on your knees
With a headlamp and a hammer and some tarps and jeez Louise
It's cold but you keep working 'till the last plant's safe from harm
And there's holes in your new jammies and bursitis in your arm

"Cause by gosh, you're a gardener right down to your muddy clogs
And even when the rabbits take your lettuce and stray dogs
Pee on your zucchini and a fungus coats your kale
"Cause it's rained for two weeks' solid--do you falter? Do you fail?

Yep. You throw your hoe down, stamp your feet and call it quits
Declare to all the neighborhood that gardening is the pits
And you'll never plant another and this one can bloody rot
Then suddenly the sun breaks through the clouds and, like as not

You see a couple weeds you must have missed the last go-round
And shake your head and meekly pick your hoe up off the ground
And hoe and keep on hoeing 'till your romas dangle red,
Ripe and juicy on the vine, sweet corn towers overhead,
Beans hang from their trellis, big orange pumpkins sprawl about
And you get that satisfying feeling once more when you shout:

CHORUS: Harvest time (Break out the canning jars!)
Harvest time (Man the pressure cooker!)
Harvest time (You have to take zucchini--we're related!)
Harvest time (Now THIS is a tomato!)

Stephanie Davis
Recluse Music (BMI)
(970) 870-3112
All Rights Reserved

07 Oct 07 - 12:47 AM (#2165642)
Subject: RE: Funniest Talking Blues Song
From: Mike Miller

Back in the day, when the Left was able to poke fun at itself, the two headed radical that was Dave VanRonk and Roy Berkeley put together a parody of The People's Songbook which they called The Boss's Songbook. It was more dangerous times for liberals. There was the HUAC and the ever popular Sen. Joseph McCarthy and his pocketful of inuendo. Still, folks, back then, were secure enough to laugh at the situation. One of the selections was a takeoff on Pete's "Talking
Union Blues". As I recall it started out like this.

Listen here, boy, what's this I see?
It seems you're makin' more than me.
It's plain to see we need a change.
Let's find out what we can arrange.
We need a union
How 'bout the Soviet Union?

07 Oct 07 - 10:53 AM (#2165813)
Subject: RE: Funniest Talking Blues Song
From: Dave the Gnome

I am trying to remember the one [TALKING FOLK CLUB BLUES] Fred Wedlock used to do (and now Spot the Dog does it)- Let me see if I can get most of it...
(Bracketed) bits are asides. ....'s are forgotten bits.

I was travelling down the M64
Doing a ton or maybe more
When I passed a sign saying {wherever} town
And said, man, I'd better slow it down.
(I was developing transverse epicyclic thrust in my torque-driven condenser unit. And my horn hadn't worked in weeks.)

Well, I stopped outside the nearest pub
A sign outside said 'Folk-in club'
Load of scruff-bums standing there
Like a fashion parade from the Army surplus store.
(Yea, man, hear it surp.)

Well, it was so dark and smokey in there
I came a cropper down the stair.
Man said 'Miss a step there son?'
I said 'No, I hit every bloody one'
(Something about smash violence and kill the warmongers.
We are having a peace riot is said aside - can't remember it.)

Well, I saw a groupie standing there
All bosom and bum and long blonde hair
I was feeling randy and fancied a bit
So I wandered over and squeezed her elbow.
(I said, 'Hey, love, fancy a drink?'
She said, 'You don't expect me to drink with a child do you?'
I said, 'Sorry, love. Didn't know you was pregnant.'
I said, 'No, seriously, what do you fancy. Cider or Guinness?'
She said, 'Cider! The distillation of the forbidden fruits of Paradise. When raised to my purple stained lips doth loosen my libido and send me into realms of ethereal delights. It loosens my cosmic consciousness. Oh, yea, man'
I said, 'Bloody hell! How do you rate Guinness then?'
She said 'It's a drag, man. Makes me fart.')

Then a man called Stefan Dyllon-Bjorn
Sang this epic song
His guitar was Japanese, I'll wager
With overdrive in E-flat major.
Fuel injected tuning pegs
And a hole for slicing hard-boiled eggs.

Played his guitar funny kind of way.
With all the strings tuned up to A.
(Out of tune guitar)

Then the barman started doing his bit for culture.
Playing 'Sunshine of your love'
On B-flat cash register and smokey-bacon maracas
And I thought.

This here folk music might be rubbish.
But, By Jingo
It's British rubbish!

If I can get Spot to come on I am sure he will fill in the gaps.



09 Oct 07 - 11:35 AM (#2167281)
Subject: Lyr Add: THE ALL AMERICAN BOY (Parsons/Lunsford)
From: GUEST,Jim

The All American Boy
words and music by Bill Parsons and Orville Lunsford

Singer on the 45 single was really future country star Bobby Bare. He'd been
drafted into the Army in 1958 and left this demo behind. It was inadvertently
released as being sung by one of its writers, Bill Parsons.


Gather 'round, cats, and I'll tell you a story
About how to become an All American Boy
Buy you a gittar and put it in tune
You'll be rockin' and rollin' soon.
Impressin' the girls, pickin' hot licks, and all that jazz

I-I bought me a gittar a year ago
Learned how to play in a day or so
And all around town it was well understood
That I was knockin' 'em out like Johnny B. Goode
Hot licks, showin' off, ah number one.

Well , I 'd practice all day and up into the night
My papa's hair was turnin' white
Cause he didn't like rock'n'roll
He said "You can stay, boy, but that's gotta go."
He's a square, he just didn't dig me at all

So I took my gittar, picks and all
And bid farewell to my poor ole pa
And I split for Memphis where they say all
Them swingin' cats are havin' a ball
Sessions, hot licks and all, they dig me

I was rockin' and boppin' and I's a gettin' the breaks
The girls all said that I had what it takes
When up stepped a man with a big cigar
He said "come here, cat--I'm gonnna make you a star."
"I'll put you on Bandstand, buy ya a Cadillac, sign here, kid."

I signed my name and became a star
Havin' a ball with my gittar
Driving a big long Cadillac and fightin' the girls off ma back
They just kept a'comin', screamin', yeah-they like it

So I'd pick my gittar with a great big grin
And the money just kept on pourin' in
But then one day my Uncle Sam
He said (sound of 3 footsteps) "Here I am"
"Uncle Sam needs you, boy
I'm-a gonna cut your hair
ah-Take this rifle, kid
Gimme that gittar"               yeah.

09 Oct 07 - 12:34 PM (#2167318)
Subject: RE: Funniest Talking Blues Song
From: Art Thieme

Mr. Paxton wrote "TALKING POP ART" on the day our son was born.

I always appreciated that!!


09 Oct 07 - 03:40 PM (#2167441)
Subject: RE: Funniest Talking Blues Song
From: GUEST,Wayne

Tom Pacheco's TALKING GLUE is my favourite. It's on his debut album Turn Away From The Storm (1965). His BIRDSEYE HEAVEN is hilarious, too.



09 Oct 07 - 04:07 PM (#2167465)
Subject: RE: Funniest Talking Blues Song
From: GLoux

I'm pretty sure "LIFE GETS TEEJUS, DON'T IT?" was written by Carson Robison and that's where Doc Watson got it...


15 Oct 07 - 06:07 PM (#2171873)
Subject: RE: Funniest Talking Blues Song
From: GUEST,jim

I don't remember who sang it, but when I was a kid, my neighbours had a gramophone that played cylinder recordings and one of them was LIFE GETS TEEJUS, DON'T IT? Another was Hallelujah I'm A Bum.

16 Oct 07 - 08:35 AM (#2172222)
Subject: RE: Funniest Talking Blues Song
From: clueless don



12 Apr 10 - 08:31 AM (#2884745)
Subject: RE: Funniest Talking Blues Song
From: GUEST,The Magician

I was sittin' with ma guitar playing the blues,
see the mailman comin' he was bringin' bad news.
It said "Get on out of that civilian rut
we got a vacant bunk in an army hut".
Being a man of few words I didn't say much; I just fainted.

When I came too I told Ma an' Dad
they didn't seem to take it so bad,
Dad said "Son, you'll get by,
just keep ya boots polished and ya powder dry",
Went to the station to catch the train
said "G'bye" to Ma, Pa, and Jane
Jane said she'd Wait till all hell froze; sure must've been a cold winter.
Got t'other end without any harm
was met by a feller with MP on his arm,
sure didn't look like no member of parliament ta me.
He said "Hey you thar country hick, you lookin' for [I'VE FORGOTTEN THE REST CAN ANYBODY HELP???]

07 May 11 - 12:08 PM (#3149835)
Subject: RE: Funniest Talking Blues Song
From: GUEST,Whitby fan

Does anyone have the lyrics to The Flat Pack Furniture Blues please.

07 May 11 - 12:31 PM (#3149849)
Subject: RE: Funniest Talking Blues Song
From: Beer

Jerry Jeff Walker RAMBLIN', SCRAMBLIN'

Tryin' to get my mind untangled....
Ain't never seen nothin' in the whole wide world
That give more trouble than to try 'n love a girl.


06 Feb 13 - 11:41 AM (#3476435)
Subject: RE: Funniest Talking Blues Song
From: GUEST,Rocky Folkrocker

The best has got to be "LIFE GETS TEEJUS, DON'T IT?"

06 Feb 13 - 12:19 PM (#3476452)
Subject: RE: Funniest Talking Blues Song
From: GUEST,Musket sans cookie

Mike Harding's TALKIN' BLACKPOOL BLUES always made me chuckle.

08 Feb 13 - 12:40 PM (#3477201)
Subject: RE: Funniest Talking Blues Song
From: Bettynh

When I searched my Itunes for talking blues, Gamble Roger's "CAPE CANAVERAL TALKING BLUES" popped up. You can listen to a sample here. Click on the jukebox, it's on the album "Oklawaha County Laissez-Faire." The words are a bit dated but lordy that man could play a guitar.

08 Feb 13 - 05:08 PM (#3477279)
Subject: RE: Funniest Talking Blues Song
From: kendall

I recorded LIFE GETS TEEJUS, DON'T IT? on Folk Legacy back in 1974 I think it was. I learned it from Carson Robison.

08 Feb 13 - 07:05 PM (#3477321)
Subject: RE: Funniest Talking Blues Song
From: Fossil

"TALKING GUITAR BLUES" by the great Lonnie Donegan. Still in my repertoire for open mic nights and still gets laughs. Has one of the best lines ever, I reckon:-

" pa, he took it a different way,
said - you c'n turn yer ma's hair grey,
drive yer sister away from home,
but you or me boy, gonna roam,
and I ain't leaving - you work it out..."

09 Feb 13 - 11:49 AM (#3477547)
Subject: RE: Funniest Talking Blues Song
From: voyager

For consideration by the Academy -

MOOSE TURD PIE (U. Utah Phillips)

and my own original Talking Blues -


09 Feb 13 - 12:39 PM (#3477574)
Subject: RE: Funniest Talking Blues Song
From: kendall

Utah did MOOSE TURD PIE as a story. I did it as a song which I learned from Joe Hickerson

17 Dec 17 - 01:25 PM (#3894367)
Subject: Lyr Add: TALKING HARD WORK (Woody Guthrie)
From: Jim Dixon

This is spoken over guitar accompaniment, but there seems to be no connection between the rhythm of the spoken words and the music. Placement of the line breaks is kind of arbitrary, but I tried to put them where Woody punctuates his speech with little pauses or inflections.

As recorded by Woody Guthrie

    While we're on the subject of hard work, I just want to say that I always was a man to work.
    I was born working and worked my way up by hard work.
    I ain't never got nowhere yet, but I got there by hard work, work of the hardest kind.
    I've been down and I've been out.
    I've been disgusted and busted and I couldn't be trusted.
    I worked my way up and I worked my way down.
    I've been drunk and I've been sober, and I've been baptized and I got hijacked.
    I've been robbed for cash and I've been robbed on the credit.
    Worked my way in jail and I worked my way out of jail.
    Woke up a lot of mornings, didn't know where I was at.
    The hardest work I ever done was when I was trying to get myself a worried woman to help ease my worried mind.
    I'm gonna tell you just how much work I had to do to get this woman I was telling you about.
    I shook hands with 97 of her kinfolks and her blood-relatives and I done the same with 86 people that was just her friends and her neighbors.
    I kissed 73 babies and I put dry pants on 34 of them as well as others.
    Done the same thing several times as well as a lot of other things just about like this.
    I held 125 wild horses and I put saddles and bridles on more than that.
    I harnessed some of the craziest and wildest teams in that whole country.
    I rode 14 loco broncos to a standstill and I let 42 hound dogs lick me all over.
    Seven times I was bit by hungry dogs and I was chewed all to pieces by water moccasins and rattlesnakes on 2 river bottoms.
    I chopped and I carried 314 armloads of stove-wood, 109 buckets of coal,
    Carried a gallon of kerosene 18 miles over the mountains,
    Got lost,
    Lost a good pair of shoes in a mud-hole,
    And I chopped and I weeded 48 rows of short cotton,
    Thirteen acres of bad corn,
    I cut the sticker-weeds out of 11 back yards,
    All on account of 'cause I wanted to show her I was a man that liked to work.
    I cleaned out 9 barn lofts, cranked 31 cars, all makes and models,
    Pulled three cars out of mud-holes and 4 or 5 out of snowdrifts.
    I dug 5 cisterns of water for some of her friends,
    Run all kinds of errands.
    Played the fiddle for 9 church meetings,
    I joined 11 separate denominations.
    I joined up and I signed up with 7 of the best trade unions I could find.
    Paid my dues six months in advance.
    I waded 48 miles of swamps and 6 big rivers.
    Walked across 2 ranges of mountains, crossed 3 deserts.
    I got the fever, sunstroke, malaria, flu, moonstruck, skeeter-bit, poison ivy, seven-year itch, and the blind staggers.
    I was give up for lost and dead a couple of times,
    Struck by lightning, struck by Congress, struck by friends and kinfolks as well as by 3 cars on highways and a lot of times, people's hen-houses.
    I've been hit and run down, run over, and walked on, knocked around.
    I'm just setting here now trying to study up what else I can do to show that woman I still ain't afraid of hard work.

17 Dec 17 - 06:12 PM (#3894431)
From: Jim Dixon

As recorded by Dan Bern on "dog boy van" (1997)

I don't know what made me go out that night.
At that hour I'd normally been in bed,
But I found myself lookin' up at the sky
At a very bright light straight overhead.
It flashed green,
And then red:
Santy Claus colors.

I stood there frozen in that light,
Then I started hearin' this kind of a whir.
The lights got louder and the noise got brighter [sic]
And I felt a sudden chill. Brr!
It was cold.
Shouldn't 'a' gone out without a coat.
My mom was right again.

This big ol' spaceship floated down
And hovered three feet above the earth.
Never been so scared in all o' my life.
Could 'a' given spontaneous birth,
If I was a woman,
And pregnant.

Well, these two little guys about four feet tall
Jumped off this space-age Greyhound bus.
They grabbed me by the arms and said:
"Start walkin', Dan; you're comin' with us."
They didn't actually speak but I understood 'em.

They strapped me down in this metal crate,
Took out this thirty-five-foot-long hose.
They said: "Don't worry; this won't hurt,"
Then they stuck that sucker up my nose:
All the way up!
I knew my nose was long but this was a surprise.

They examined me from head to toe,
Stuck prods in ev'ry orifice.
This coal-gray box come gave me a kiss
And extracted a couple o' quarts o' piss.
I felt dehydrated.

Then they waved this wand all round my brain,
Said: "Now we're readin' your brain, you see.
You got an awful lot o songs in there.
It seems they're all in the key o' G."
"So what about 'Marilyn?' That's in D."
They said: "D-flat, actually."
I said: "Well, yeah, 'cause I tuned down a half-step. What about 'Hannibal'?"
They said: "What about 'Hannibal'?"
I said: "Well, technically it's in G but it's really a drop-D tuning capoed up."
They said: "How come you don't play the harmonica more?"
I said: "How come I'm in a spaceship talkin' to aliens about my act?"
They said: "We'd rather talk physics but you're illiterate there."
I couldn't argue.

They dropped me someplace in Brazil.
Took a month to get back to the USA.
When I told my friends what I'd been through,
No one believed what I had to say.
That sucked.
It's to be expected though; most people think "Hannibal's" in straight tuning.

Well. my life's back to normal now.
I do the things I always do.
But once a week I meet with twelve other folks
Who've been abducted too.
I tell my story.
They tell theirs.
I don't believe them though.

18 Dec 17 - 01:31 AM (#3894452)
Subject: RE: Funniest Talking Blues Song
From: ketchdana

Don't know about funniest. More of a "so true", from the sixties.

Talking "FOLK GUITAR PLUS" Blues

Well, a lady on the TV screen named Laura
Claimed she could teach me to play the guitar-a,
Could do it, in fact, without much fuss
If I'd watch her program, "Folk Guitar Plus".
    (plus banjo . . . plus recorder . . .
    not to mention the auto-harp.)

So I sent for the book, followed along,
Played "Aunt Rhody", mostly wrong,
But I kept right at it, day and night.
Only took a month to get it right.
    (Life of the party now . . . If only
    someone would request Aunt Rhody.)

The songs and the pickin' gets complicated
But I wait for each show with breath all bated,
'Cause just when I'm ready to give up tryin',
She smiles and says "You're doin' fine."
    (A little more pressure there . . .
    That's goo-, uh, better.)

I'm learning to pick the syncopated strum
And tie together chords, runs with the thumb.
Even readin' that tablature,
But my fingers are sore, that's for sure.
    (Look, Ma, hammerin' on . . .
    Now Ma, there's no call to say that.)

Someday I'll be a guitar player
But folk guitarists are no longer rare.
You meet them everywhere you go,
'Cause a million other people are watchin' that show.
    (Don't know any mor'n they do . . .
    Nor any less.)

18 Dec 17 - 04:48 PM (#3894588)
Subject: RE: Funniest Talking Blues Song
From: Tattie Bogle

I'd have to nominate one of my friends, Jim Weatherston, of Newtongrange Folk Club - don't have all the words, nor can I remember them all, but always had us in stitches (sutures?) for his "Talking Pharmacy Blues"! Will see if he'll release the lyrics to the Mudcat world!

18 Dec 17 - 07:41 PM (#3894615)
Subject: RE: Funniest Talking Blues Song
From: keberoxu

I've heard Woody Guthrie's recording of Talking [Blues] Hard Work.

There is only one place, Jim Dixon et alia,
where Guthrie's delivery of the words
is emphatically coordinated with the guitar strumming (mostly I V I chords, in the major mode).

To emphasize each disclosure, Guthrie marches the terms, one term at a time, through rhythmic guitar strumming. So that one special line of text sounds like:

(I - got - the)
Skeeter [mosquito?] - bit!
Poison Ivy!
Seven-Year Itch!
    -- and - the -
Blind Staggers!

(guitar goes on strumming during significant pause for breath)

I haven't heard it in years and years,
but that bit right there
is the part I remember best to this day.

24 Dec 17 - 12:37 AM (#3895576)
Subject: Lyr Add: TALKIN' KARATE BLUES (Townes Van Zandt)
From: Jim Dixon

Somebody (I can't remember who) recommended this, and I expected I would like it, because I've liked several other songs by TVZ, but I must say, I'm disappointed with the way this descends into racial stereotypes. I think he even mixes up Japanese with Chinese stereotypes. I wouldn't recommend performing this song without doing some major surgery on it.

As recorded by Townes Van Zandt on "For the Sake of the Song" (2007)

Well, I ain't very big for twenty-one,
An' it seems like I never could have any good clean fun,
'Cause ev'ry time I'd go outside, some great big ol' bully'd come along,
An' he'd hit me in the face an' he'd knock me to the ground,
An' he'd start to kickin' me all around,
An' that ain't exactly fair, friends; that's wrong.

So I got me a paper the other night,
An' I crawled up on the sofa an' I turned on the light,
An' I flipped through the pages till I found the classified ads.
Said: "Take karate from Lee Hung Chow.
Man, make your first appointment now.
This course is guaranteed to make you bad."

Well, the next day I drove to the address,
An' by the Japanese design I was real impressed.
It looked like a reg'lar House o' the Rising Sun.
I walked inside; I was all alone.
I had a nervous feelin' down in my bones.
I's kind o' sorry I'd ever even come.

Then a giant Jap came through the door.
He must 'a' been at least 'bout seven foot four,
An' he looked like he's prone to easy aggravation.
He said: "Lee Hung Chow, ah kee dung!"
That's Japanese for "Fee fie fo fum."
I tried to explain my entire situation.

He said: "Number one course, Yankee: self-defense.
Two hundred dollars an' twenty-five cents."
I said: "Uh, what's the twenty-five cents for?" an' he said: "Repairs."
I said: "Repairs to what?" 'n' he said: "To you."
An' I thought to myself: "Man, that won't do."
I felt about a half-inch tall underneath that ol' slanted stare.

Oh, you think he was yella.

I said: "I b'lieve I better go check another place."
He said: "Ah so! Yankee don't like my race."
I said: "Now, there's a mistake, man, an' that's true.
Well, I been for you Japanese all along.
You Japanese just can't do no wrong,
An' I thought you got a mighty dirty deal in World War Two."

Well, he grabbed me by the hand an' he gave a heave,
An' I figured there's a pretty good time to leave,
Before he had a chance to do me any definite harm,
But m' plan worked out in the end, you see.
Now no bully's gonna pick on me.
Who's gonna hit a fella with just one arm?

26 Dec 17 - 11:10 AM (#3895886)
Subject: RE: Funniest Talking Blues Song
From: leeneia

'The Chicken Cordon Blues' recorded, and perhaps written by Steve Goodman. It's about a guy who's unhappy because his sweetie wants him to be a vegetarian.