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BS: Good excuses for refusing sex

Richard Bridge 24 Aug 06 - 08:00 PM
gnu 23 Aug 06 - 10:11 PM
Big Al Whittle 23 Aug 06 - 09:30 PM
Mrrzy 23 Aug 06 - 09:15 PM
foggers 23 Aug 06 - 04:46 AM
Paul from Hull 22 Aug 06 - 11:52 AM
Genie 22 Aug 06 - 10:58 AM
John MacKenzie 22 Aug 06 - 08:51 AM
GUEST,Bruce Baillie 22 Aug 06 - 07:43 AM
Paul from Hull 21 Aug 06 - 01:24 PM
Paul from Hull 21 Aug 06 - 01:18 PM
Mr Red 21 Aug 06 - 01:18 PM
Genie 20 Aug 06 - 07:10 PM
Sorcha 20 Aug 06 - 03:20 PM
Slag 20 Aug 06 - 03:15 PM
Big Al Whittle 20 Aug 06 - 02:31 PM
Alice 20 Aug 06 - 11:28 AM
foggers 20 Aug 06 - 09:48 AM
Little Hawk 18 Aug 06 - 03:08 PM
GUEST,too old etc. 18 Aug 06 - 02:53 PM
Paul Burke 18 Aug 06 - 04:00 AM
GUEST 18 Aug 06 - 03:38 AM
Big Al Whittle 18 Aug 06 - 03:08 AM
GUEST,too old etc. 18 Aug 06 - 02:23 AM
Mr Red 17 Aug 06 - 07:57 AM
Big Al Whittle 16 Aug 06 - 07:23 PM
GUEST 16 Aug 06 - 04:33 PM
GUEST,Chief Chaos 16 Aug 06 - 12:36 PM
Paul Burke 16 Aug 06 - 10:05 AM
foggers 15 Aug 06 - 02:04 PM
The Villan 15 Aug 06 - 01:02 PM
GUEST,Chief Chaos 15 Aug 06 - 11:05 AM
Bugsy 15 Aug 06 - 03:14 AM
Big Al Whittle 14 Aug 06 - 11:49 AM
GUEST,too old etc 14 Aug 06 - 11:47 AM
GUEST,Chief Chaos 14 Aug 06 - 11:13 AM
*daylia* 14 Aug 06 - 10:39 AM
GUEST,too old etc 14 Aug 06 - 10:03 AM
Alice 14 Aug 06 - 09:59 AM
Big Al Whittle 14 Aug 06 - 09:50 AM
Alice 14 Aug 06 - 09:37 AM
Mr Red 14 Aug 06 - 08:13 AM
Big Al Whittle 14 Aug 06 - 05:56 AM
GUEST,too old etc 14 Aug 06 - 05:06 AM
Paul Burke 14 Aug 06 - 04:49 AM
GUEST,too old etc 14 Aug 06 - 04:24 AM
*daylia* 13 Aug 06 - 07:53 AM
GUEST,y shd I 13 Aug 06 - 06:09 AM
alanabit 13 Aug 06 - 04:11 AM
Clinton Hammond 12 Aug 06 - 12:35 PM
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Subject: RE: BS: Good excuses for refusing sex
From: Richard Bridge
Date: 24 Aug 06 - 08:00 PM

If you don't want him, you don't want him. Don't fuck him up too.


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Subject: RE: BS: Good excuses for refusing sex
From: gnu
Date: 23 Aug 06 - 10:11 PM

Well, I just read the first post. Nope. None. You don't like your partner, fook off. Let your partner find someone who appreciates them.


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Subject: RE: BS: Good excuses for refusing sex
From: Big Al Whittle
Date: 23 Aug 06 - 09:30 PM

why would you want to talk about the weather, or hairstyles to someone like that?

Honesty is the best policy. The words you are searching for is sod off.

Or maybe not - perhaps you like to pretend to the sucker there is some basis for a relationship based on these inconsequentialities -stick around , who knows.......

In which case you're a bit of an emotional rapist in my book. You see lots of guys hanging round women who despise them - and express the fact behind their backs, or sidelong knowing glances.

Its not nice.


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Subject: RE: BS: Good excuses for refusing sex
From: Mrrzy
Date: 23 Aug 06 - 09:15 PM

No, then change the subject. Remember Miss Manners - you don't have to have a reason to say No, you just repeat it, nicely if you want to.

How about it?
I really can't. What did you think of the weather?
No, really, why not?
I really can't. What about the Jon Benet case?
Really, why won't you?
I really can't. Have you changed your hairstyle?

And so on.


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Subject: RE: BS: Good excuses for refusing sex
From: foggers
Date: 23 Aug 06 - 04:46 AM

LOL at Giok -

"I have now reached the age where I prefer the 'Viva exam' to the practical, but recently had the unnerving experience of being told when I reminisced happily about the previous night's frolics. "Good I'm glad you enjoyed it, I was so pissed I can't remember much of it"
There was I with egg on my face, and a stiff neck!
Giok"

That is quite a put down you met with there mate!

We do a lot of that kind of reminiscing, (as well as still doing the practical) And in our case one of our fave recollections goes back 15 years to when we were with other partners but had a secret affair, and on a clandestine encounter managed to break a bed in a hotel in Filey.......My how we laugh!


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Subject: RE: BS: Good excuses for refusing sex
From: Paul from Hull
Date: 22 Aug 06 - 11:52 AM

Fair comment Genie!


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Subject: RE: BS: Good excuses for refusing sex
From: Genie
Date: 22 Aug 06 - 10:58 AM

Quote (Paul from Hull): "Why would there EVER be a good excuse for refusing sex?"

Why should you EVER have sex if you're not turned on enough to WANT it youself?

As I said, the one who wants it from you should be persuasive, not demanding or presumptive.

Quote (Bruce Baillie):" ...Just say, "Darling, I really, REALLY do want to sleep with you!" and then roll over and do just that."

Good one, Bruce!


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Subject: RE: BS: Good excuses for refusing sex
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 22 Aug 06 - 08:51 AM

I keep reading the title of this thread as 'God excuse for refusing sex'

I have now reached the age where I prefer the 'Viva exam' to the practical, but recently had the unnerving experience of being told when I reminisced happily about the previous night's frolics. "Good I'm glad you enjoyed it, I was so pissed I can't remember much of it"
There was I with egg on my face, and a stiff neck!
Giok


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Subject: RE: BS: Good excuses for refusing sex
From: GUEST,Bruce Baillie
Date: 22 Aug 06 - 07:43 AM

...Just say, "Darling, I really, REALLY do want to sleep with you!" and then roll over and do just that!


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Subject: RE: BS: Good excuses for refusing sex
From: Paul from Hull
Date: 21 Aug 06 - 01:24 PM

Ok that was too flippant an answer really, but I hadnt fully read through the thread.

Nw I have , I have to point out that there are times I have not had sex at Whitby too...


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Subject: RE: BS: Good excuses for refusing sex
From: Paul from Hull
Date: 21 Aug 06 - 01:18 PM

Why would there EVER be a good excuse for refusing sex?


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Subject: RE: BS: Good excuses for refusing sex
From: Mr Red
Date: 21 Aug 06 - 01:18 PM

Mayhap Mr Anonymous is reading this. I would think keeping the friendship was a goal worth striving for.
Holidays? A different matter. Looks like the decision is made anyway.

Enjoy.


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Subject: RE: BS: Good excuses for refusing sex
From: Genie
Date: 20 Aug 06 - 07:10 PM

QUOTE: Bill D - Date: 10 Aug 06 - 11:27 AM

well, once IN bed is no time to announce your lack of interest. ...
----------

Um, what if you're already sound asleep (and went there for that reason)? ;-D


----

Of course, you could always try, "It's been so long I forgot how."


On a serious note, I kind of feel like whichever party in a relationship WANTS sex should maybe use their powers of persuasion and seduction instead of asking for or expecting sex.
And if you have reasons for not WANTING to be turned on (e.g., you have a serious case of crotch rot or you're saving yourself for Mr/Miss Right - or both), well, the two of you need to talk about that.

Genie


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Subject: RE: BS: Good excuses for refusing sex
From: Sorcha
Date: 20 Aug 06 - 03:20 PM

OK, Al...so where's yer pic? LOL


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Subject: RE: BS: Good excuses for refusing sex
From: Slag
Date: 20 Aug 06 - 03:15 PM

George!! I'm shocked! Willy got your Willy?? I wonder if he'll mention it tonight. What will Winona say??? OOOh, OOOOH, I get it. THAT was just an excuse. A 1000 pardons. (snicker, snicker)


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Subject: RE: BS: Good excuses for refusing sex
From: Big Al Whittle
Date: 20 Aug 06 - 02:31 PM

I went to Whitby on my honeymoon thirty five years ago tomorrow. It was freezing bitter cold. The sea mist was so low, you couldn't actually see the sea. It was like that for two days - more like January than August.

As I remember we watched the pictures a lot. There was Paint Your wagon with Clint Eastwood, and an Alistair Maclean thing - when Eight Bells Toll.

The sex......well you take that for granted at that age. But you're a fool if you forget that your parner's love is her greatest gift, something she has a choice about conferring. And you're sleepwalking through life if you think there's no element of competition - even after 35 very happy years.

By the way - if anybody feels the urge, I won't be annoyed or offended if you want to regard me as a sex object.

Go ahead, talk to me dirty like the cheap slut I really am.


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Subject: RE: BS: Good excuses for refusing sex
From: Alice
Date: 20 Aug 06 - 11:28 AM

"compete for" a woman... I wonder if you realize how many women cringed when they read that, realizing that we are still viewed like sexual objects in a competition. We have a long way yet to go, baby.


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Subject: RE: BS: Good excuses for refusing sex
From: foggers
Date: 20 Aug 06 - 09:48 AM

Hey up "Guest too old...." Whitby is a great place to not have sex. I think weelittledrummer's advice is absolutely sound on this matter. I hope the new, platonic friendship is a success with this guy.

And to Paul - Deryshire is indeed a county worth boasting about, and I am jealous that you live in one of the really pretty bits, whereas I am further north in the land of the Crooked Spire - good market but not so pretty!


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Subject: RE: BS: Good excuses for refusing sex
From: Little Hawk
Date: 18 Aug 06 - 03:08 PM

"I'm sorry. I had sex with William Shatner last night, and anyone or anything else would be an anticlimax for me now..."


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Subject: RE: BS: Good excuses for refusing sex
From: GUEST,too old etc.
Date: 18 Aug 06 - 02:53 PM

Said no and am going to whitby tomorrow to not have sex


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Subject: RE: BS: Good excuses for refusing sex
From: Paul Burke
Date: 18 Aug 06 - 04:00 AM

I'd say thanks but no. It could be a genuine change of mind, or it could be an attempt to get you into a position where he can put direct pressure on you. You know the bloke, you'll have to decide which it is. But unless you REALLY want that holiday, I'd suggest a cooling- down period to allow the changed relationship to sink in fully.


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Subject: RE: BS: Good excuses for refusing sex
From: GUEST
Date: 18 Aug 06 - 03:38 AM

What part of "no" do you not understand?


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Subject: RE: BS: Good excuses for refusing sex
From: Big Al Whittle
Date: 18 Aug 06 - 03:08 AM

No use asking us, we don't know the guy. We don't know what you had planned.

The point is, that the drive to go out and get a sexual partner and compete for her is very highly developed in our society. Right or wrong the acquisition of a partner and the ability to keep her both materially and sexually is regarded as an index of success. Its a facet of male sexuality - somewhere along the line you obviously hit a raw nerve, when you told him before

He obviously thinks the bridge is worth mending though.

Most friendships and relationships are not all we hope for. Still life is a pretty miserable business without them.

On the other hand, can things ever be right between you. He obviously feels some sexual attraction to you. Have you anything in common? Do you actually want him for a friend. If not, he might end up feeling exploited, and given his feelings of sexual attraction - perhaps he would be right. He's obviously a bit touchy.

Go careful.


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Subject: RE: BS: Good excuses for refusing sex
From: GUEST,too old etc.
Date: 18 Aug 06 - 02:23 AM

My friend - the one I was going to go on holiday with, rang me last night. He apologised for breaking up our relationship - such as it was, he took what I told him about my lack of sex drive as a personal insult. With time to think, he's had a rethink and has asked me to through with the holiday with no pressure in the bedroom(or kitchen or anywhere else!)
I'm not sure what to do


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Subject: RE: BS: Good excuses for refusing sex
From: Mr Red
Date: 17 Aug 06 - 07:57 AM

er call me a pedant but I think you will find that is a snake in the trousers................................

OK OK I am getting my coat..................


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Subject: RE: BS: Good excuses for refusing sex
From: Big Al Whittle
Date: 16 Aug 06 - 07:23 PM

well of course you can dream of what you like - that's thankfully still free, and entirely your own business.

by all means, start out with no expectations, but also its best to start out with no delusions also - and sex always makes a difference.

My own father retained his looks, his health and led a fairly active sex life until well into his 80's. I think several of his admirers had more or less given up on sex until they met him. Presumably they told their late husbands they had gone off sex, but in actual fact they had just gone off their husbands.

believe you me, sexual attraction waits there like a snake in the grass for all of us.


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Subject: RE: BS: Good excuses for refusing sex
From: GUEST
Date: 16 Aug 06 - 04:33 PM

I'm going to stay "guest".
Recently I met a lady who I think is absolutely beautiful (not just physicaly). But she has issues, as many our age do.
I would not dream of expecting sex, although it is welcome. To my mind maturer relationships are about much more than sex. As someone said above relationships are about sharing.
If sex is not on the cards, say so. If a relationship is worthwhile it will make no difference.


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Subject: RE: BS: Good excuses for refusing sex
From: GUEST,Chief Chaos
Date: 16 Aug 06 - 12:36 PM

Actually the pressure on men is just the opposite. From a genetic point of view men were created to spread their "seed" far and wide. Women (according to some sociologists - don't shoot this messenger!) were more inclined towards keeping the male around for protection etc. (the true origin of marriage).
Society frowns upon men shagging every female around.

Brought to you by the "Supress the Urge To Merge" foundation.


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Subject: RE: BS: Good excuses for refusing sex
From: Paul Burke
Date: 16 Aug 06 - 10:05 AM

Derbyshire: yes it's the pretty bit, and I'll never give up a chance to boast about it. This   is where I live; our house is just out of site beyond the trees on the left. It's actually a few miles south east of where the mass trespass took place.


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Subject: RE: BS: Good excuses for refusing sex
From: foggers
Date: 15 Aug 06 - 02:04 PM

Hmmmm....on a serious note....due to serious personal adversity, I needed to do deep thinking (about 20 years ago) on the issue of sex and the pressures exerted upon all of us to be at-it in multiple orgasmic joy.

A book by Ann Dickson called "The Mirror Within" was an absolute revelation to me as she showed how women are kind of trained into seeing themselves in terms of certain sexual stereotypes, and how sexuality is in fact a much more subtle and complex part of who we are and should not just be defined by who we are (or indeed are NOT) bonking.

I would highly recommend this book to any woman working through sex-related stuff.. and I apologise to the blokes cos I can't produce a similar recommendation for them, but I am sure there are parallel issues about the pressure to be the ultimate stud etc...

For me, the bottom line is about working out who you are and what is right for you at any one time, respecting that same right for others and asserting your own wishes and needs where necessary.

SO to Guest too old... honesty was the only way to go and now you at least have a clear and honest picture of where you were with this guy, and I hope that outcome has not been too painful for you. Don't fret about the disappearance of your libido, just relax, and maybe curl up with a good book ....And chocolate!!!


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Subject: RE: BS: Good excuses for refusing sex
From: The Villan
Date: 15 Aug 06 - 01:02 PM

Good excuse for refusing sex

Sorry darling, its a bit nippy tonight. The crabs are at my helmet.


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Subject: RE: BS: Good excuses for refusing sex
From: GUEST,Chief Chaos
Date: 15 Aug 06 - 11:05 AM

It just perpetuates the myth that sex is all we males are after.

Although I believe in a more open society (than my wife does anyway),I believe that we have so much more to offer each other than just a physical encounter. There's much more to a relationship than physical pleasure!

T'wer it me I might have been a little disappointed that all that would happen would be cuddling but I'd still have gone through with it. I guess it's personal preferences, I wouldn't mind having a very close friend that I could spend the time catching up, telling stories, exploring the holiday and sharing the experience with. And who knows, maybe during that holiday Too Old might have just felt as frisky as a little kitten at some time.

If all he's interested in is sex there's plenty of ladies of negotiable virtue that can be gotten for less than a holiday costs.


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Subject: RE: BS: Good excuses for refusing sex
From: Bugsy
Date: 15 Aug 06 - 03:14 AM

As my old mate's wife used to say "It's been a lovely day Bob, don't spoil it"


CHeers


Bugsy


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Subject: RE: BS: Good excuses for refusing sex
From: Big Al Whittle
Date: 14 Aug 06 - 11:49 AM

I'm not sure you have much to apologise for. Holidays cost a lot of money, and at least both parties have been upfront about what they want and don't want.

Strangely enough this comes on a week where a friend of mine accepted two offers to meet ladies from encounter forums on the internet. Both got back to him and said they didn't want any kind of a social relationship with him, but they would like to meet him for straight uncomplicated sex.

I think the problem is that most of our generation haven't really caught up with the manners of the times. I include myself here.


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Subject: RE: BS: Good excuses for refusing sex
From: GUEST,too old etc
Date: 14 Aug 06 - 11:47 AM

Thanks for that Chief, I'm sure that most men would have at least had the good taste to talk about the problem. My ex holidaying friend has perhaps had a better offer. I have to say that I was surprised by the casual way things were broken off(and I was so worried about upsetting him!)But I think I'm mature enough to pick myself up and get on with life.
There's a folk festival on next week so I think I'll go to Whitby and not have sex there!


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Subject: RE: BS: Good excuses for refusing sex
From: GUEST,Chief Chaos
Date: 14 Aug 06 - 11:13 AM

Dear Too Old,

I'm sorry to hear about both the cancelled weekend and the cancelled relationship. Please do not allow the "stereo typical" male response by the guy (you'll notice I didn't use gentleman - cause he ain't!)

I have plenty of ladies that are (ahem) more mature than myself and I maintain platonic relationships with each. If they wanted something to happen (and if I weren't married) I'm sure thay would let me know. They don't seem to be too shy about what once were considered impolite topics of discussion.

I'd like to apologize on behalf of a small minority of the male side of the species.


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Subject: RE: BS: Good excuses for refusing sex
From: *daylia*
Date: 14 Aug 06 - 10:39 AM

I think that sex is put on a mighty high pedestal in this culture. Satisfying sex is promoted as the be-all and end-all of relationships, everyone's one-way ticket to happiness and fulfillment, an all-important indicator of physical, emotional, and social healt'. If you're not having regular satisfying sex, there must be something "wrong" with you -- that's the attitude.

And it's a crock, imo. I remember taking a personality test online once, having to do with sex and relationships. Now, I've been really happy and contented lving on my own for the last few years, for the first time in my life! Oh, the joys of freedom and independence, of having my own space -- and (especially) my own bed! I don't seem to want or need or even miss having a sexual relationship -- or any other relationship -- as the centerpiece of my existence. And I deserve this freedom -- it's certainly cost me enough over the years to get here!

But the personality test told me I'm a "sexual anorexic". Said I'd do well to seek counselling/therapy, buy this book and/or that product, eat better and get more sleep and exercise, or at the very least participate in some on-line self-help group.

Ha! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! :-D   Little do they know ...


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Subject: RE: BS: Good excuses for refusing sex
From: GUEST,too old etc
Date: 14 Aug 06 - 10:03 AM

Thanks Alice


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Subject: RE: BS: Good excuses for refusing sex
From: Alice
Date: 14 Aug 06 - 09:59 AM

No, neither annoyed nor bristling. alice


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Subject: RE: BS: Good excuses for refusing sex
From: Big Al Whittle
Date: 14 Aug 06 - 09:50 AM

Do I detect a bristle of annoyance there Alice.....?


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Subject: RE: BS: Good excuses for refusing sex
From: Alice
Date: 14 Aug 06 - 09:37 AM

Dear "too old". Your body belongs to you. No one has a right to expect sex from you and you don't need to give any excuses.


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Subject: RE: BS: Good excuses for refusing sex
From: Mr Red
Date: 14 Aug 06 - 08:13 AM

It's all about sharing. If he can't cope with your wishes - Im afraid the project is ill concieved. If you want the project and that is the deal - how much do you want it? (pun intended)

Sound like you want it on your terms and if he wants it on his there is a problem. Ironic - what?

Nothing comes (pun intended) without a price - what's your limit? What's it worth.

I did try to start a platonic relationship with a lass who had been raped and it never got moving. I will never know how long I would have lasted as a celibate or if it would have moved on. But I was willing initially. She was good company.


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Subject: RE: BS: Good excuses for refusing sex
From: Big Al Whittle
Date: 14 Aug 06 - 05:56 AM

Derbyshires just down the road from me too, do call in if you go on holiday there. It is really beautiful county.


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Subject: RE: BS: Good excuses for refusing sex
From: GUEST,too old etc
Date: 14 Aug 06 - 05:06 AM

Thanks Paul - it sounds like the perfect holiday. I believe Derbyshire is very pretty too. Isn,t that where the mass tresspass took place?


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Subject: RE: BS: Good excuses for refusing sex
From: Paul Burke
Date: 14 Aug 06 - 04:49 AM

If you want a holiday, you're welcome to not-have-sex with me in Derbyshire anytime! Drink wine and play music and go for long walks and eat good food and discuss life the universe and 42.


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Subject: RE: BS: Good excuses for refusing sex
From: GUEST,too old etc
Date: 14 Aug 06 - 04:24 AM

This has not been an easy subject to talk about, but having done so, ok I might have lost a holiday and a "relationship" but at least I'm pretty sure that it wasn't much of "relationship" from his point of view.

Menapause does not last for ever - perhaps I'll become a juicy old crone!

thanks


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Subject: RE: BS: Good excuses for refusing sex
From: *daylia*
Date: 13 Aug 06 - 07:53 AM

You never need an excuse to refuse sex, but it is quite unfair to allow someone to harbour the illusion that they are in a sexual relationship when they are not.

Cruel too, when it's wielded as a "power over" or means of control ie witheld indefinitely from a partner who relies on it for emotional support and/or does not agree or understand why it's being witheld.

BTW I was being facetious there about the 20 years. That's just a bit extreme! ;-) If one partner in any committed relationship starts feeling more and more miserable re lack of sex (perceived or otherwise), while the other feels just peachy about it, that's the best time to seek help. Not 20 years later.


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Subject: RE: BS: Good excuses for refusing sex
From: GUEST,y shd I
Date: 13 Aug 06 - 06:09 AM

Well said Alan.
BTW I 'm not the guest who started this thread.
I think that the wibblers have a lot to answer for in the 60's with all that nonsense about'every woman should have orgasms'.
Making men feel inadequate and women feel frigid. I can't be the only woman who would have been quite happy with a cuddle and if it led to anything then lie back and ...


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Subject: RE: BS: Good excuses for refusing sex
From: alanabit
Date: 13 Aug 06 - 04:11 AM

Unfortunately there are many relationships in which one party wishes to be sexually active and the other does not. Of course, in the long term, it is essential that the interested party understands the situation and is prepared to forgo sex indefinitely. However, when the other party requires that, it is really only fair to make that clear early on. I think that only when children are part of the relationship, is it reasonable for one partner to insist that the other lives permanently without sex. You never need an excuse to refuse sex, but it is quite unfair to allow someone to harbour the illusion that they are in a sexual relationship when they are not.


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Subject: RE: BS: Good excuses for refusing sex
From: Clinton Hammond
Date: 12 Aug 06 - 12:35 PM

If you are serious....

Don't ask on Mudcat.


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