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BS: How Many Spatulas Do YOU Own???

open mike 02 Feb 05 - 02:37 AM
GUEST,Noreen 02 Feb 05 - 08:20 AM
GUEST,Roger the skiffler via the backdoor 02 Feb 05 - 09:31 AM
GUEST,Noreen 02 Feb 05 - 10:09 AM
GUEST,Brucie by the side door. 02 Feb 05 - 10:27 AM
GUEST,Spatula Clark 02 Feb 05 - 11:20 AM
GUEST 02 Feb 05 - 11:32 AM
GUEST,MMArio 02 Feb 05 - 11:36 AM
GUEST,Stilly River Sage 02 Feb 05 - 11:54 AM
GUEST,Bee-dubya... 02 Feb 05 - 12:01 PM
GUEST 02 Feb 05 - 01:08 PM
Stilly River Sage 02 Feb 05 - 04:27 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 02 Feb 05 - 04:51 PM
Bill D 02 Feb 05 - 05:14 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 02 Feb 05 - 05:50 PM
Bill D 02 Feb 05 - 06:05 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 02 Feb 05 - 11:04 PM
Layah 02 Feb 05 - 11:08 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 02 Feb 05 - 11:27 PM
Bill D 02 Feb 05 - 11:40 PM
Layah 02 Feb 05 - 11:54 PM
Peace 02 Feb 05 - 11:58 PM
Peace 02 Feb 05 - 11:59 PM
Amos 03 Feb 05 - 12:06 AM
dianavan 03 Feb 05 - 01:52 AM
Teresa 03 Feb 05 - 02:02 AM
Noreen 03 Feb 05 - 04:13 AM
Peace 03 Feb 05 - 05:16 AM
GUEST,Spatula Clark 03 Feb 05 - 05:42 AM
GUEST,Spatula Clark 03 Feb 05 - 05:54 AM
GUEST,Mudspat 03 Feb 05 - 06:33 AM
GUEST,Spankula 03 Feb 05 - 06:35 AM
GUEST,Spatulum Decrepitum 03 Feb 05 - 06:38 AM
Amos 03 Feb 05 - 06:38 AM
GUEST,Morgana Le Tray 03 Feb 05 - 06:42 AM
GUEST,Petulant Bark and Spatula the Impaler 03 Feb 05 - 06:50 AM
GUEST,Homer Simstula 03 Feb 05 - 06:57 AM
Liz the Squeak 03 Feb 05 - 08:41 AM
GUEST,Bill the Collie 03 Feb 05 - 08:52 AM
Bee-dubya-ell 03 Feb 05 - 09:15 AM
Rapparee 03 Feb 05 - 09:42 AM
Amos 03 Feb 05 - 10:38 AM
Bee-dubya-ell 03 Feb 05 - 10:50 AM
Stilly River Sage 03 Feb 05 - 10:52 AM
GUEST,MMario 03 Feb 05 - 10:57 AM
Bunnahabhain 03 Feb 05 - 11:00 AM
Peace 03 Feb 05 - 11:10 AM
Amos 03 Feb 05 - 11:16 AM
Peace 03 Feb 05 - 11:31 AM
Bill D 03 Feb 05 - 11:38 AM
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Subject: RE: BS: How Many Spatulas Do YOU Own???
From: open mike
Date: 02 Feb 05 - 02:37 AM

egg timers, cherry pitters, rolling pins, slicers, dicers, cookie cutters, and the latest kitchen gadget i got is a battery operated thingy from sweden to whip milk to a frothy foam..gadgets? I got 'em too...wire whisks, thingies to take eggs out of boiling water, grape-
fruit spoons, oh, my! nutmeg graters, citrus juicers...a tinker's delight..


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Subject: RE: BS: How Many Spatulas Do YOU Own???
From: GUEST,Noreen
Date: 02 Feb 05 - 08:20 AM

As requested- palette knives which I use in the kitchen for spreading icing smoothly on cakes, but I have just realised are named so from their use in mixing and spreading paint on and artist's palette.

I also take issue with some of you (Bill!) calling a spatula, what I would call a fish slice ... I suppose I would think of a spatula being used for scraping out a bowl, while a fish slice would be for lifting out of the pan, and serving, cooked food.
There again, I also stir things with my plastic fish slice...


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Subject: RE: BS: How Many Spatulas Do YOU Own???
From: GUEST,Roger the skiffler via the backdoor
Date: 02 Feb 05 - 09:31 AM

Leaving aside palette knives and fish slices I reckon we only have 2. One wooden & one plastic (are we deprived?).
Now...
How do you tune them?

RtS


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Subject: RE: BS: How Many Spatulas Do YOU Own???
From: GUEST,Noreen
Date: 02 Feb 05 - 10:09 AM

Come on Roger, you tune a fish slice with a tuna...


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Subject: RE: BS: How Many Spatulas Do YOU Own???
From: GUEST,Brucie by the side door.
Date: 02 Feb 05 - 10:27 AM

"Leaving aside palette knives and fish slices I reckon we only have 2. One wooden & one plastic (are we deprived?)."

Roger, you ARE depraved. But I must be twice as depraved as you 'cause I don't have a single spatula--nor do I have any married ones.


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Subject: RE: BS: How Many Spatulas Do YOU Own???
From: GUEST,Spatula Clark
Date: 02 Feb 05 - 11:20 AM

Huh?


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Subject: RE: BS: How Many Spatulas Do YOU Own???
From: GUEST
Date: 02 Feb 05 - 11:32 AM

Billions-- just look in the list in the African-American Spatulas Permathread!

~S~


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Subject: RE: BS: How Many Spatulas Do YOU Own???
From: GUEST,MMArio
Date: 02 Feb 05 - 11:36 AM

ow. oh, that hurts. ouch!


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Subject: RE: BS: How Many Spatulas Do YOU Own???
From: GUEST,Stilly River Sage
Date: 02 Feb 05 - 11:54 AM

I bought a new spatula this morning for a buck, just in honor of this thread. If I didn't have to finish up and and get to work, I'd scan it and send a long a photo. Maybe later. It is good up to 430oF (which isn't really that much if you're near a hot skillet, but you won't kill it with boiling water).

The items you enumerate above may not merit a thread of their own, but what about KITCHEN KNIVES? How many knives to I have in the kitchen? There are a couple of sets, then there are all of the little paring knives, the steak knives, the deadly fiddle-bow bread knife that I keep in the box and never use, it's so sharp, the fancy Finnish filet knives, the . . .

On the other hand, I have only two rolling pins. One I inherited from my great aunt's kitchen, out of some really heavy dark wood like rosewood, and has only one handle. And the thinner lightweight one. They have different uses, and I choose which to use by it's weight much in the way you might choose a screwdriver. They may have the same size point, but for leverage do you need a short driver or a long driver?

SRS

And if you stray into the tool drawer and the garage workshop. . .


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Subject: RE: BS: How Many Spatulas Do YOU Own???
From: GUEST,Bee-dubya...
Date: 02 Feb 05 - 12:01 PM

So that's what a fish-slice is! Blowzabella mentioned haveing two of them earlier in this thread but I had no idea what she was talking about. I thought maybe she had a couple of dried up old pieces of haddock in her utensil drawer. But I can see where the name could be appropriate. If you use your imagination a slotted turner thingie does sorta look like a slice of fish. Sorta... Like if maybe you've been hittin' the Bushmills bottle and/or the ganja pipe pretty hard...


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Subject: RE: BS: How Many Spatulas Do YOU Own???
From: GUEST
Date: 02 Feb 05 - 01:08 PM

Mmario, I had to. I've mis-read this as SPirituals so many times-- but then I often mis-type Spiritual as Spiritula.

~Susuan :~)


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Subject: RE: BS: How Many Spatulas Do YOU Own???
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 02 Feb 05 - 04:27 PM

Just to be perfectly clear about what we're discussing here:
Spa.tu.la


Definitions of Spatula on the Web:

A small implement with a broad, flat, flexible blade that is used to mix plasters, elastomers and similar substances. Artists' spatulas are usually finer and more flexible, while cement spatulas are stouter and stiffer.
www.duke.edu/~mtb3/castingmanual/appendix_a.html

(plural: spatulae) Ground and polished fingers of soft stone (often slate) about five inches long and of uncertain use from the Bronze Age
www.halifax-today.co.uk/specialfeatures/triviatrail/a22_s.html

implement with flat surface, used to lay strands of hair on for colour application.
www.kamalsalon.com/sglossary.htm

a turner with a narrow flexible blade
www.cogsci.princeton.edu/cgi-bin/webwn

a hand tool with a thin flexible blade used to mix or spread soft substances
www.cogsci.princeton.edu/cgi-bin/webwn


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Subject: RE: BS: How Many Spatulas Do YOU Own???
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 02 Feb 05 - 04:51 PM

Thanks for those definitions, SRS. They only serve to reinforce the idea that spatulaness is not an absolute, concrete, definable characteristic, but a continuum, a vortex as it were, of properties and applications. So, like the Tao, we cannot say with certainty what a spatula is. We can only measure an item against our own personal idea of spatulaness and decide for ourselves if a given item is or is not a spatula.

I am reasonably confident that a 1959 Ford station wagon is not a spatula. But, there are doubtlessly components of that 1959 Ford station wagon that could be used as spatulas if they existed in isolation instead of as parts of the car. Therefore, it could be said that a 1959 Ford station wagon exhibits a small degree of spatulaness. Its glove box door exhibits a somewhat higher degree of spatulaness. And that dustpan that was left under the driver's side seat when the thing was hauled to the junkyard is pretty darned much a spatula.

A bowling ball, on the other hand, exhibits absolutely no spatulaness.


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Subject: RE: BS: How Many Spatulas Do YOU Own???
From: Bill D
Date: 02 Feb 05 - 05:14 PM

ah, Bee-dubya-ell ...you have been hitting the Plato way too hard!

and Noreen...surely any spatula with slots does not qualify as a 'fish slice'?..(a term I did not know). I have only had one item that REALLY looked like what you posted....with slots being the major defining characteristic, and that angled fron edge. It died years ago.

I did have one 'palette knife' like gadget in my pic...good thing I didn't dig out the pie servers!


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Subject: RE: BS: How Many Spatulas Do YOU Own???
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 02 Feb 05 - 05:50 PM

Pie servers are spatulas. Of course they don't think of themselves as spatulas. Just because they don't have to mess with uncooked foods and hot grease and because they're sometimes made of silver. Well don't let 'em fool ya. They're still spatulas. Just spatulas that got above their raisin's, that's all.


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Subject: RE: BS: How Many Spatulas Do YOU Own???
From: Bill D
Date: 02 Feb 05 - 06:05 PM

ok, then...add 3 more to my count, two of 'em gold plated. (I don't have to take another pic, do I?)


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Subject: RE: BS: How Many Spatulas Do YOU Own???
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 02 Feb 05 - 11:04 PM

GADZOOKS!!!! It appears that the spatulas are escaping from this thread! Just tonight, I've seen spatula references in several other threads! Yeah, sure, I put most of those references in those threads, but that's beside the point. I still saw them! And I have a sneaky feeling it's only going to get worse.

It may even get as bad as Flamingo Ted's insane desire to make 100th posts. I can see the possibility of people tripping over each other to be the first to stick a spatula reference into a thread:

I'm really offended that my next door neighor still has a 'Bush/Cheney' sticker on his car. Should I have a talk with him?

Hell no! Just take yerself a spatula over to his house at 2:00 AM and scrape the damned thing off!


This spatula infection could become a serious problem. Heck, it could be worse than the Margaret Thatcher blow-up dolls. It could even be worse than, dare I say it? Shatner! Nah! Nothing could be that bad.


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Subject: RE: BS: How Many Spatulas Do YOU Own???
From: Layah
Date: 02 Feb 05 - 11:08 PM

Ahh, with all these spatula references going around your just more determined than ever to oppress the spatula poor. Scrape the sticker off with a spatula? I can't! I don't have one of those kind of spatulas. I thought I could contain my shameful lack of spatula to one thread, but now it will be everywhere. Nooooo! Do not be so cruel!


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Subject: RE: BS: How Many Spatulas Do YOU Own???
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 02 Feb 05 - 11:27 PM

Ah! But remember, Layah, that spatulaness is determined by the use to which an item is put, not by what some moron supposedly made it for. An old credit card (or a brand new one for that matter) can easily be used to scrape a Bush sticker from a car. Therefore, a credit card is a spatula if it is used as a spatula. So do not bemoan your spatula-poorness. Spatulas are everywhere! You just have to look for them.


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Subject: RE: BS: How Many Spatulas Do YOU Own???
From: Bill D
Date: 02 Feb 05 - 11:40 PM

hey! That BIG spatula in my pic....durned if it didn't prove useful just this afternoon! We had us this slushy snow the other day, and then some cold weather, and it left a layer of icy gunk on my driveway which resisted all efforts to shovel. ...so I says to myself, "self..."...(I call myself that at times).."...this icy gunk is a LOT like a batch of hash browns that is tryin' to stick to the bottom of yer skillet...and what do you do with them? Why, you draw lines in 'em with the sharp edge of yer spatula, breakin' 'em up into managable sections, then you kinda scrunchy-scrape 'em away from the pan!"

So I (the aforementioned self) did just that....chop, chop, chop...making a checkerboard of that gunky ice..(or was it icy gunk?)...then I just slud (as Dizzy Dean woulda said) that big 'ol spatula..(which just 'might' be useful for removin' old tile some day) under the chunks, and LO! asphalt appeareth!...

Now iffen it hadn't been for Mudcat and this inspiration of this thread, I mighta been out there with chemicals and old garden spades and a lot of cuss words! And I got Dick Greenhaus and Susan of DT coming down to stay with me Friday so as to make CAMSCO available at FSGW's one day mini-festival, and there will be a decent place to park and walk. Yessir...serendippity, thy name is Mudcat!


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Subject: RE: BS: How Many Spatulas Do YOU Own???
From: Layah
Date: 02 Feb 05 - 11:54 PM

Thank you Bee-dubya-ell you have shown me the light. No longer will I live in ignorance of my spatulas, but take each moment to remember that whenever I need one, there will be a spatula. In moments of peril remember, spatulas may come in disguise, but if you look into yourself you can find the spatulaness in whatever item you think about (except bowling balls)


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Subject: RE: BS: How Many Spatulas Do YOU Own???
From: Peace
Date: 02 Feb 05 - 11:58 PM

You are gonna fit RIGHT in.


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Subject: RE: BS: How Many Spatulas Do YOU Own???
From: Peace
Date: 02 Feb 05 - 11:59 PM

. . . but the residents of Pelucidar would find a certain spatulaness to bowling balls, IMO.


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Subject: RE: BS: How Many Spatulas Do YOU Own???
From: Amos
Date: 03 Feb 05 - 12:06 AM

But I recommend a can of that Goop-Off or whatever it is called, made outa orange peel, in addition to the Spatula, Clark!

A


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Subject: RE: BS: How Many Spatulas Do YOU Own???
From: dianavan
Date: 03 Feb 05 - 01:52 AM

Yes, Bill D, you do need to take another picture.

While I was counting my spatulas, this thread has deteriorated to include all sorts of kitchen utinsels. Thats called thread drift. Please stick to the topic.

If spatulas with melted handles qualify, I have the following:

2 flat metal
2 flat metal slotted
1 curved metal slotted (for fritters, fish, meatballs, etc.)
1 rubber spatula (somewhere)
1 curved metal slotted in the basement next to the litter box
l cookie spatula (palette)
2 puddy knives (they are technically spatulas)
2 dry wall spatulas
1 for glue
2 paint scrapers
and yes, 1 wooden spatula to which I am sentimentally attached because it was hand carved by a friend. It is flat on one side.

SIXTEEN !!!

15 if the melted handle is disqualified.

I laughed myself silly reading this thread !!!!!!!!!!

I think it would be a great name for a band. The Spatulas or...

The Fabulous Spatulas
The Multiple Spatulas
Spatula Deluxe
The Handy Spatulas...


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Subject: RE: BS: How Many Spatulas Do YOU Own???
From: Teresa
Date: 03 Feb 05 - 02:02 AM

The Scabrous Spatulas


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Subject: RE: BS: How Many Spatulas Do YOU Own???
From: Noreen
Date: 03 Feb 05 - 04:13 AM

Bill, I would call all of the objects stuck into your belt fish slices'.
Those things held in your right hand I would call spatulas.

(...I would like to qualify the above statements to apply only to the fist picture of you linked to in this thread. Otherwise, you could post another picture of yourself with a bowling ball stuck into your belt and claim that it was then a fish slice. That would be silly.)


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Subject: RE: BS: How Many Spatulas Do YOU Own???
From: Peace
Date: 03 Feb 05 - 05:16 AM

If I may, at risk of causing thread drift:

BillD, those spatulas in yer pants--I hope none of them are sharp. One guy to another.


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Subject: RE: BS: How Many Spatulas Do YOU Own???
From: GUEST,Spatula Clark
Date: 03 Feb 05 - 05:42 AM

Don't Sleep on The spatula

You wander around in your own little thread
When you don't see the spoon or the fork
You walk out on me when we both disagree
'Cause to reason is not worth a cork

I've heard it all a million times before
Take off your coat, my love, and close the door

CHORUS:
Don't scrape in the subway, darling
Don't wipe in the pouring rain
Don't sleep on the spatula, darling
The handle is long
Forget your foolish pride
Nothing is wrong
Now, you're astride me again

CHORUS
(repeat and fade out)

this song was written by Spatula after a lover's spat.


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Subject: RE: BS: How Many Spatulas Do YOU Own???
From: GUEST,Spatula Clark
Date: 03 Feb 05 - 05:54 AM

feeling scraped? spread around to far? chewed up and spatula'd out? you can always go.....

Downthread!

When you're alone
And life is making you lonely,
You can always go downtthread
When you've got worries,
All the noise and the hurry
Seems to help, I know, downthread

Just listen to the squabbles of the catters who are posting
Linger on the MOAB where the yankee cats are jousting
How can you lose?

The fights are much riper there
You can forget all your troubles, forget all your cares and go
Downthread, molasses and grapes when you're
Downthread, no rubbish place for sure
Downthread, everyone's waiting for you
(Mudcat)

Don't have a life
Or let your friends all surround you
There are cyber shows downthread
Maybe you know
Some little threads to post to
Where they never go downthread

Just listen to the nagging of a certain bossycatter
You'll be posting with the best and it will never ever matter
Happy again

The fights are much riper there
You can forget Barney Rubble, forget teddy bears and go
Downthread, molasses and grapes when you're
Downthread, no rubbish place for sure
Downthread, everyone's waiting for you
(Mudcat)Mudcat
(Mudcat)

And you may find somebody kind to help and understand you,
Someone who is just like you and needs a gentle hand to
Guide them along

So, maybe I'll see you there
We can forget all our troubles, forget all our cares and go
Downthread, things'll be great when you're
Downthread, don't wait a minute more
Downthread, everything's waiting for you

Downthread, (downthread,) Downthread, (downthread, )
Downtown (downtown) downtown (downtown)
(repeat and fade out)

by Spatula Clark

aka Peculiar Clerk


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Subject: RE: BS: How Many Spatulas Do YOU Own???
From: GUEST,Mudspat
Date: 03 Feb 05 - 06:33 AM

Many people are aware of the "kitchen witch", but fewer people are aware of the "kitchen ceremonial magician." This is due to the fact that kitchen ceremonial magic had been a secret tradition for decades. But the time for such secrecy is past, since kitchen ceremonial magic can play an important role in confronting everyday domestic problems. For example, suppose you are unexpectedly called upon to prepare a meal for others, but are unsure of your ability to cook. > You will find it prudent to practice the time-honored ritual of kitchen ceremonial magic: the Lesser Banishing Ritual of the Casserole. To prepare for this ritual, clear a space for the circle in the center of the kitchen. Then don your ceremonial apron and hold your ceremonial spatula in your right hand. Stand in the center of the circle and face east. You are ready to begin: With your spatula, draw a banishing pentagram to the east. Then, thrust your spatula through the pentagram and say, "Microwave dinners, be gone!" Move to the south. Again, draw a banishing pentagram and thrust your spatula through it. "TV dinners, be gone!" Move to the west. Draw the banishing pentagram and thrust your spatula through it. "Ramen instant noodles, be gone!" Move to the north. Draw the banishing pentagram and thrust your spatula through it, "Mystery meat in a can, be gone!" Move to the center of the circle and stand still. Chant the following: "Before me, Martha Stewart. Behind me, Betty Crocker. To my right side, Julia Child. To my left side, Martha Stewart, AGAIN!" Visualize yourself standing in a giant casserole and proclaim, "For about me bakes the casserole, and around me shines the 6-course meal." Clap your hands three times and say, "Its a good thing." The rite is over. If the ritual is not effective, please order take-out ASAP


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Subject: RE: BS: How Many Spatulas Do YOU Own???
From: GUEST,Spankula
Date: 03 Feb 05 - 06:35 AM

An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death's agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.

Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.

With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven. There, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table, were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted; the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life.

The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.

"Stay out of those." she said, "They're for the funeral."


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Subject: RE: BS: How Many Spatulas Do YOU Own???
From: GUEST,Spatulum Decrepitum
Date: 03 Feb 05 - 06:38 AM

There is some evidence, according to food historians, that the pancake (in this case, a simple water-and-meal confection) was the first prepared food.

In the ruins of an ancient (3200 B.C.) village in Crete fortuitously preserved by volcanic ash, an underground kitchen was unearthed which contained a bronze pan, a crude iron spatula, a leather apron with the inscription "Look on in awe, mortals --- a demigod is at work," and, stuck on the ceiling, the fossilized remains of 71 pancakes.


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Subject: RE: BS: How Many Spatulas Do YOU Own???
From: Amos
Date: 03 Feb 05 - 06:38 AM

Oh, Spatula, your songs are just BEAUTIFUL!!


A


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Subject: RE: BS: How Many Spatulas Do YOU Own???
From: GUEST,Morgana Le Tray
Date: 03 Feb 05 - 06:42 AM

excaliburger, or, the spatula in the stone


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Subject: RE: BS: How Many Spatulas Do YOU Own???
From: GUEST,Petulant Bark and Spatula the Impaler
Date: 03 Feb 05 - 06:50 AM

Thank you, Amos, darling. and just for you..

Why is my spatula so light
Why is the barbeque bright
Why is my skin so blue
Since the hour I met you

Austin powers is smiling bright
Smiling for our delight
Smiling so tenderly
For the world, you and me

I know why the spatula is shining
shining so greasily
Its just the same old story
Thru all eternity

Love, this is my sarong
Here is a sarong, a senile maid for you
The soup cannot be wrong
If in this mix there's you
I care not what the menus say
Without a clove there is no way
So Love, this is my song
Here is a song, a supper made with you

Spatula the Impaler


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Subject: RE: BS: How Many Spatulas Do YOU Own???
From: GUEST,Homer Simstula
Date: 03 Feb 05 - 06:57 AM

Top Ten Signs You're at a Bad Barbecue

11. The spatula doubles as the flyswatter.
10. Everything on the grill has a long, thin tail
9. To avoid burning, chicken breasts are covered in Coppertone
8. The "cole slaw" is just mayonnaise and lawn trimmings
7. The three-legged race is won by a three-legged guy
6. Every couple minutes, the cook drops his pants and flips
himself with the spatula
5. Host tells you the burgers are 20% beef and 80% critter
4. The steaks have been sitting in marinade sauce all night,
and so has your Uncle Earl
3. You have to sign a legal waiver before you eat the potato salad
2. Things seem tense between your hosts, Frank and Kathie Lee *
1. The guests all have grill marks on their foreheads


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Subject: RE: BS: How Many Spatulas Do YOU Own???
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 03 Feb 05 - 08:41 AM

Make that one more if we're going to include cake slices.

LTS


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Subject: RE: BS: How Many Spatulas Do YOU Own???
From: GUEST,Bill the Collie
Date: 03 Feb 05 - 08:52 AM

BWL

Did you say you have two long-handled jobbies?

Shit!


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Subject: RE: BS: How Many Spatulas Do YOU Own???
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 03 Feb 05 - 09:15 AM

Paint scrapers! Oh, my God! I forgot to include the paint scrapers and putty knives in my spatula count! In fact, I only counted what was in my kitchen utensil drawer. I totally forgot about my workshop and pottery studio! There's zillions of spatulate thingies out there! I'll never get 'em all counted! Maybe that's where the ones that are infecting the other threads are coming from.


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Subject: RE: BS: How Many Spatulas Do YOU Own???
From: Rapparee
Date: 03 Feb 05 - 09:42 AM

Bee-Dubya, I was approached by a guy at work yesterday who had a question. That's not all that unusual, since I do work in a library, but this guy "had to talk to a guy" and most of the other people (all of them except one, in fact) are women. Anyway, this guy comes up to me -- he was a nice, respectable looking guy even though I didn't care for his cowboy boots because I felt they were a bit too dressy for his suit and tie -- anyway, he comes to me to ask about a very intimate, man-type problem. I took him into my office, closed the door, offered him coffee and/or the bottle of Bud Lite we found in the bookdrop box the other day, and a comfortable chair (not mine, another comfortable chair). Finally, after his second cup of coffee and a bunch small talk, he opened up.

Bee-Dubya, I really need your advice on this. I searched the medical literature, I checked the Internet, I even called the Medical School at the University of Utah. Nobody would talk about it, not even on the Internet (all the sites were blocked, and my computer isn't filtered!). PubMed simply said, "Disgusting condition. Sufferers should be pitied and euthanized" and that was all. The Med School refered me to a specialist, who hung up on me. Anyway, I'm going to bring it out into the open here in the hopes that you or someone can help. I've got a phone number where I can contact this guy (it's not his home or work phone, of course) during certain hours. So, knowing about the collective wisdom and fragrant liberalism and sympathy Mudcatters have demonstrated before, here's the poor slob's problem: he suffers from premature spatula, and he really needs to know what to do about it. It's ruining his barbecues and his wife laughs at his pancakes. Even his mistress and the cheap flozzies at the truck stop laugh at him when he makes a hamburger. He's barely hanging on.

What, if anything, can he do? What causes this problem? Can it be cured? The cost is no object to him -- he's filthy rich.

Thank you.


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Subject: RE: BS: How Many Spatulas Do YOU Own???
From: Amos
Date: 03 Feb 05 - 10:38 AM

I can handle this, but it won't be cheap.

A


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Subject: RE: BS: How Many Spatulas Do YOU Own???
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 03 Feb 05 - 10:50 AM

Ah, yes! "Early Flipping Syndrome". It's far more common than you'd think. The irrepressible urge to use one's spatula to flip a cooking food item before it's ready for flipping. The need to flip being more important than the reason for the flipping. Sometimes accompanied by a strong tendency to use sentence fragments even though one was an English major and damned well knows better.

While the origins of "EFS" are poorly understood, there are simple and effective remedies. One of the more successful has been this:

Obtain plastic facsimilies of the items to be flipped. If you don't know where to obtain plastic facsimilies of food simply go to the nearest Chinese take-out restaurant. They all have beautiful fake food in their windows. Just go inside, walk up to the counter and ask, "Where you get food in window?" about sixteen times until someone understands your question. When you finally get an answer (and please understand you may have to buy some real food in order to pry this information out of the owner) contact the fake food designer and have him make very realistic fakes of your favorite flippables.

Now, whenever you feel the urge to prepare a dish that involves flipping, you simply put the real food in one skillet and its facsimile in another. It is very important that you only turn the heat on under the real food! Then, when you get the urge to flip, just flip the fake food! Simple! However, it is vitally important that you do not get so wigged out with flipping the fake stuff that you forget to flip the real food at appropriate times. This may take a bit of getting used to. It is suggested that during the first few weeks of therapy one should make sure that one's smoke detector, exhaust fan and fire extinguisher are in good working order and that the number for the fire department (or fire brigade depending on one's orientation relative to the Atlantic Ocean) be prominently posted.


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Subject: RE: BS: How Many Spatulas Do YOU Own???
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 03 Feb 05 - 10:52 AM

There's no way I'll ever track down all of the paint scrapers, putty knives, and tile-laying tools around here (thinset gets spread out before the extra gets scraped up again!) And what about gardening implements? My Korean hand plow? It can be used for scraping, scooping, sculpting, or very effective self defense.

I have stuff to do. I can't keep expanding my search for new spatulas! This must be limited to the kitchen!

SRS


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Subject: RE: BS: How Many Spatulas Do YOU Own???
From: GUEST,MMario
Date: 03 Feb 05 - 10:57 AM

PubMed simply said, "Disgusting condition. Sufferers should be pitied and euthanized"

true.

As Amos said, the cure is not cheap - and it is extremely lengthy - and the success rate is very very low. Premature spatulation is not a condition to be taken lightly. Total abstinance can sometimes prolong life - but tends to lead to social complications - and face it, the quality of that life suffers greatly.


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Subject: RE: BS: How Many Spatulas Do YOU Own???
From: Bunnahabhain
Date: 03 Feb 05 - 11:00 AM

Limiting stuff to the kitchen is a bad idea. She insits the bed is a better place. Although a spatula is good for body paint...


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Subject: RE: BS: How Many Spatulas Do YOU Own???
From: Peace
Date: 03 Feb 05 - 11:10 AM

SPA TU L      A

or

S PA TUL      A

I knew this thread would end up in the bedroom. Just knew it.


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Subject: RE: BS: How Many Spatulas Do YOU Own???
From: Amos
Date: 03 Feb 05 - 11:16 AM

SRS, that was one too far. A Korean Hand Plow is NOT a spatula no matter where you put it.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: How Many Spatulas Do YOU Own???
From: Peace
Date: 03 Feb 05 - 11:31 AM

It isn't a thermometer when you shove it there, either.


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Subject: RE: BS: How Many Spatulas Do YOU Own???
From: Bill D
Date: 03 Feb 05 - 11:38 AM

Noreen-- since I have never heard of a 'fish slice' before this thread..(yes, yes, you all had the language first... but you spring these little suprises on us poor colonists!)..I will continue to count all MY implements as spatulas....(and how DO you slice a fish with a plastic thing with slots!)

dianavan...I need to take another picture? Just to show my pie servers? well....ok, I'll go get them and.....wait....what's this? Oh, my! I just found 2 more spatulas of the sub-category "sliceur de Fische" hanging on the wall where I keep the seldom used BBQ equipment....I shall include them. I will return in a bit....


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