Folklore: Dirty limericks [12]

Subject: RE: Folklore: Dirty limericks [12]
From: Bugsy
Date: 12 Nov 18 - 02:28 AM

Hi Stewie, I'm muddling along fine mate. Every day above grounds a blessing, as they say.

A young girl who'd fallen from grace,
Found her corsets, no longer would lace.
Her mother said, "Nelly, there's more in your belly, than ever went in through your face"

Cheers

Bugsy

Subject: RE: Folklore: Dirty limericks [12]
From: Bill D
Date: 11 Nov 18 - 08:32 PM

Titian, while mixing rose madder,
Had a model pose nude on a ladder.
   The position to Titian
   Suggested coition,
So he climbed up the ladder and had her.

Subject: RE: Folklore: Dirty limericks [12]
From: Stewie
Date: 11 Nov 18 - 07:54 PM

Hi Bugsy, I trust you are well. Here's one that Lawler's ex-wife taught me back in the day:

There was a young lady from Bude
Who danced on the stage in the nude
Said a bloke in the front: '(slurping noise) I smell cunt
Just like that - right out loud!
Fucking rude!

--Stewie

Subject: RE: Folklore: Dirty limericks [12]
From: Bugsy
Date: 11 Nov 18 - 10:00 AM

A young Girl, FROM THE Kyber Pass
Had quite a remarkable ass,
Not rounded and pink
As you probably think
It was grey, had long ers and ate grass.

Cheers

Bugsy

Subject: RE: Folklore: Dirty limericks [12]
From: GUEST,Cori
Date: 08 Nov 18 - 09:31 PM

Reposting because I don't know how to edit or delete the earlier message, which someone who knows how can. The first line of the poem is the same as the title of the book, "William and Mary." All that is repeated in the book is "William and Mary" and "Then Will--." Does anyone know if there is any more to it?

Okay, this one is killing me. In the young adult novel "William and Mary," by Penelope Farmer, William, who is visiting Mary's family, starts to recite a poem at the dinner table which Mary knows ends with a very rude line indeed. Mary waits, wondering if William will really say *that* in front of her parents. He gets as far as, "Then Will--," pretends to forget how it ends, and asks Mary if she remembers, causing her to lose composure.

Does anyone know if this is a real limerick, or made up for the story? Thanks.

Subject: RE: Folklore: Dirty limericks [12]
From: BobL
Date: 06 Nov 18 - 02:22 AM

Dave H, why are they worth repeating? Unless the earlier post is a corrupt version and the later the original.

Subject: RE: Folklore: Dirty limericks [12]
From: GUEST,Gealt
Date: 05 Nov 18 - 06:41 PM

There was once a young fellow named Skinner
Who invited his lady to dinner.
They sat down to dine
At a quarter to nine,
And by quarter past ten, it was in her.
(The dinner, not Skinner!)
Skinner was in her before dinner.


There was a young girl from Tralee
Who was stung in the neck by a wasp.
When asked if it hurt,
She said I don't mind.
You can do it again if you like.

Subject: RE: Folklore: Dirty limericks [12]
From: Joe_F
Date: 05 Nov 18 - 06:13 PM

There was once a young man from Nantucket
Who went down to hell in a bucket.
    When asked to come out,
    He'd just sit there and shout
"Up your arseholes, ye buggers! And suck it!

Subject: RE: Folklore: Dirty limericks [12]
From: Dave Hanson
Date: 05 Nov 18 - 11:02 AM

Probaly posted before but worth repeating.

There was a young man from Buckingham,
Who stood on the bridge at Upingham,
Watching the stunts of the cunts in the punts
And the tricks of the pricks,
Who were fucking 'em.

Dave H

Subject: RE: Folklore: Dirty limericks [12]
From: Bill D
Date: 05 Nov 18 - 10:25 AM

Nice additions, Jon Bartlett!

Subject: RE: Folklore: Dirty limericks [12]
From: Thompson
Date: 05 Nov 18 - 05:04 AM

I used to find these hilarious. Perhaps it's that I don't have any particular shame about sex that they now seem dull and sadistic?

Subject: RE: Folklore: Dirty limericks [12]
From: GUEST
Date: 05 Nov 18 - 03:58 AM

Hello Bill - I've read them all and this one's not in it:

There was a young chap from Cape Horn
Who wished that he'd never been born
And he wouldn't have been
If his mother had seen
That the end of the rubber was torn.

and one more, the best I've got because it's legally sound:

There was a young lawyer named Rex
Who had a small organ of sex
When arraigned for exposure
He said, with composure
"De minimus not curat lex"

(the law does not concern itself with small things): a reasonable defence, surely

Jon Bartlett

Subject: RE: Folklore: Dirty limericks [12]
From: Bill D
Date: 04 Nov 18 - 06:05 PM

In recent years, it seems folks are just tossing in something they almost know that is almost a limerick, rather than reading the thread to see it might have been posted 3-4 times before in a more coherent form.

Who me? A critic? naawwww...

Subject: RE: Folklore: Dirty limericks [12]
From: topical tom
Date: 04 Nov 18 - 04:43 PM

There once was a gay named Dick Broom
         Who took a lesbian up to his room
         They argued all night as to who had the right
         To do wat and with what and to whom.

Subject: RE: Folklore: Dirty limericks [12]
From: topical tom
Date: 04 Nov 18 - 04:28 PM

There once was a man named Lee
         Who was plumbing his girl by the sea
         She said "Stop your plumbing I hear someone coming!"
         "Tee Hee", said Lee, "It;s meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee"
                        
                   or somewhat dirtier

         There once was a maid named "Lahore"
         Whose ass was all covered with sores.
         The dogs in the street used to lap aT the meat
         that hung in green gobs from her drawers.











said Lee, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!

Subject: RE: Folklore: Dirty limericks [12]
From: Dave Hanson
Date: 04 Nov 18 - 01:47 AM

Does anyone know what you are talking about ?

Dave H

Subject: RE: Folklore: Dirty limericks [12]
From: GUEST,Cori
Date: 03 Nov 18 - 11:06 PM

Okay, this one is killing me. In the young adult novel "William and Mary," by Penelope Farmer, William, who is visiting Mary's family, starts to recite a poem at the dinner table which Mary knows ends with a very rude line indeed. Mary waits, wondering if William will really say *that* in front of her parents. He gets as far as, "Then Will--," pretends to forget how it ends, and asks Mary if she remembers, causing her to lose composure.

Does anyone know if this is a real limerick, or made up for the story? Thanks.

Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks
From: robertobyrnes
Date: 12 Oct 10 - 06:31 AM

Hey guys, i'm new to this site. i'm from down under (Australia) and i've got a bagful of original bawdy limericks inspired by place names from the land of Oz. there's a selection at my blog aussielimerickman.blogspot.com.
here's a taste:

An aviator from Campbelltown
Achieved much local renown
By inseminating
The girl he was dating
While flying his plane upside down.


An innocent lass from Nambucca
Liked to sprinkle bird seed on her tucker
She grew feathers down where
You'd expect to find hair
And all the blokes wanted to pluck her.


There was a young lady from Clare
Whose chest was all covered in hair
Most blokes called it quits
After fondling her tits
But most chimpanzees didn't care.

cheers    roberto

Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks
From: Joe_F
Date: 18 May 07 - 10:25 PM

Aliter:

There was once a young fellow from Brighton,
Who thought he'd at last found a tight one.
Said he, "Ah, my love,
It fits like a glove,"
But she said, "You're not in the right one."

Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks
From: GUEST,Franz
Date: 18 May 07 - 09:12 AM

There once was a young man from Brighton
Who said to a tart "You're a tight one…"
She said, "'Pon my soul!
You're in the wrong hole!
There's plenty of room in the right one…"

Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks
From: early
Date: 17 May 07 - 08:41 PM

there was a young man from weston super mare
enjoying his girlfriend on the stair
on the ninety ninth stroke the bannister broke
so he finished her off n midair

Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks
From: GUEST,Marc
Date: 17 May 07 - 08:08 PM

A couple of 'em to add...

There was a young woman named Alice
Who used a dynamite stick for a phallus.
They found her vagina
In North Carolina
And part of her anus in Dallas.

or...

There was a man from St. Clair
Who tooled his chick on the stair.
But the bannister broke
So he doubled his stroke
And finished the job in the air.

Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks
From: GUEST,ibo
Date: 15 May 07 - 07:34 AM

i once met a fox of a girl
a real boro beauty called Pearl
at the end of the night
what a terrible fright
to find out her real name was Earl

Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks
From: GUEST,sinky
Date: 14 May 07 - 01:32 PM

my wife asked me to trim her pubes
so the flymow and strimmer i used
i burnt all the hair
but its really not fair
that the fire made national news

Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks
From: GUEST,ibo
Date: 14 May 07 - 01:19 PM

my incredible cheesey peas knob
leaves a terrible taste in yer gob
she asked me quite rightly
if i could politely
wear an apple and cream flavoured blob

Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks
From: dick greenhaus
Date: 14 May 07 - 12:17 PM

And another young fellow named Tupper
Once invited his lady to supper;
The supper was great
Served a little past eight
And by eight forty five
It was up her.
Not Tupper.
Not the supper
But Skinner (that bastard got around).

Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks
From: GUEST,ibo
Date: 14 May 07 - 11:28 AM

my wife has a tatoo you see
its six inches above her left knee
its a shell,and its queer
if you put close your ear
i swear you can smell the north sea

Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks
From: GUEST,ibo
Date: 14 May 07 - 11:01 AM

y
yes,it was me,im full of shitty limericks

jill had a very fat arse
it was larger than neptune and mars
and the hole in the centre
you never could enter
she,d fitted in prison cell bars

Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks
From: Midchuck
Date: 14 May 07 - 10:52 AM

Guest ibo: You did it! You produced one I hadn't known. I assumed it couldn't be done. Did you write it?

Peter

Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks
From: GUEST,ibo
Date: 14 May 07 - 10:50 AM

i have an unusual prick
it looks like a plum on a stick
ive heard it tastes nice,
so i,ll keep it in ice
and later i,ll give you a lick

Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks
From: Joe_F
Date: 13 May 07 - 09:08 PM

There was once a young fellow named Skinner
Who invited his lady to dinner.
They sat down to dine
At a quarter to nine,
And by quarter past ten, it was in her.
(The dinner, not Skinner!)

Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks
From: Adrianel
Date: 12 May 07 - 10:24 PM

Schantieman:

"A lass from the Isle of Wight,
Was out with her boyfriend one night.
She offered her honour,
He honoured her offer,
And was on 'er and off 'er all night."

Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks
From: Midchuck
Date: 11 May 07 - 11:20 AM

Another variant on Dick and 'Spaw's:

A nude wooed a prude in Bermuda.
He was nude, she was shrewd, he was shrewder.
She said, "It is lewd
To be wooed in the nude!"
But he wooed her, pursued her, and screwed her.

P.

Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks
From: Midchuck
Date: 11 May 07 - 11:16 AM

...with attachments for those in between.

...and was perfectly simple to clean.

P.

Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks
From: Joe_F
Date: 10 May 07 - 10:29 PM

There once was a man from Racine
Who invented a fucking machine.
Concave and convex,
It would fit either sex,
And took care of itself in between.

Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks
From: Bill D
Date: 09 May 07 - 11:56 PM

A horny machinist named Deal,
Had an organ that was made of blue steel.
He got all his thrills
From pneumatic drills
And offset emery wheels.

Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks
From: iancarterb
Date: 09 May 07 - 11:56 PM

I heard Matti's post with a song included:

There was an old man from Madras
Whose balls were bright solid brass.
When he clanged them together
They played "Stormy Weather"
And lightening shot out of his ass.

One of my favorites, learned from my brother more than fifty years ago.

Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks
From: GUEST,matti
Date: 09 May 07 - 09:40 PM

There once was a man from kanass
Who's nuts were made out of brass
in stormy weather
he'd clack them together
and lightning shot out of his ass

Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks
From: catspaw49
Date: 03 May 07 - 09:45 PM

A slightly different take on the limerick above that Dick posted..........

There once was a man named Magruder
Met a girl in the nude
So he wooed her!
Though she thought it crude
To be wooed in the nude
Magruder was shrewd and he screwed her.

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks
From: Joe_F
Date: 03 May 07 - 09:12 PM

The ass of a student named Bear
Was entirely covered with hair.
His roommate (a queer)
Said "Certainly, dear --
With the greatest of pleasure -- but where?"

Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks
From: Dickey
Date: 03 May 07 - 08:49 PM

The Captain had a cabin boy
He loved him like a brother
and every night by candle light
they cornholed one another.

Oh cabin boy oh cabin boy
you dirty little nipper
you lined your ass with busted glass
and circumcised the skipper.

Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks
From: Schantieman
Date: 03 May 07 - 03:16 PM

not quite a limerick....

She offered her honour
He honoured her offer
And all the long night
He was on 'er and off 'er.

Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks
From: dick greenhaus
Date: 03 May 07 - 08:55 AM

There once was a man named McGruder
Who wooed a lewd nude in Bermuda
The nude thought it crude
To be wooed in the nude
But McGruder was cruder. He screw'd 'er.

Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks
From: Mike Miller
Date: 03 May 07 - 01:14 AM

I am emboldened to offer an original.

Sure as "mug shots" yield non-words like "muggery",
Sure as grave robbers gave us "skullduggery",
There's a six legged lass
With a cock up her ass,
The true ant-ecedant of "buggery".

                Mike

Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks
From: catspaw49
Date: 03 May 07 - 12:23 AM

As I sat by the duchess at tea
She asked, "Do you fart when you pee?"
I replied with some wit,
"Do you belch when you shit?"
And felt it was one up for me.

Still I sat by the Duchess at tea
When she asked if an eggplant I ever did see?
I replied "Yes," rather bored
And she said, "Sir, you've explored"
"Up a hen's ass much further than me."



A young woman named Jenny McNair
Was had by a man all covered in hair.
Then he took off his hat
And she realized that
She'd been fucked by Smokey the Bear.

A pretty young lass from Norway
Hung by her heels in the doorway
She told her young man
Get off that divan
I think I've discovered one more way.

There was a young miss named Ann Hiser
Who claimed that no man could surprise her
But when Pabst took a chance
He found Schlitz in her pants
So now he is sadder Budweiser.

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks
From: Dickey
Date: 02 May 07 - 11:33 PM

There once was a hermit named Dave
Who kept a dead whore in his cave
He said I'll admit I'm a bit of a shit
but look at the money I save.

There once was a man a man from Australia
Who painted his arse like an azalea
The colours were bright and also devine
But the smell, Ooooh that was a failyah.

There once was a man from Boston,
Who purchased himself an Austin
There was room for his ass and a gallon of gas,
But his balls hung out and he lost 'em

Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks
From: GUEST,Bruce Michael Baillie
Date: 02 May 07 - 01:29 AM

There once was a young girl called Mary
spent the night with a man in a dairy
now heaven forbid, I won't say what they did
but next morning his tongue was all hairy

There once was a fellow from Wales
who dined on dogs bollocks and snails
when he couldn't get these, he used to eat cheese
that he scraped from his knob with his nails

There once was a young chap called Howells
who lived on the contents of bowels
when he couldn't get these, he used to eat cheese
and the suckings of santitary towels

...I doubt there'll be any worse than that!

Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks
From: Joe_F
Date: 01 May 07 - 08:43 PM

A lady lubricious and lewd
Once stood in a queue in the nude,
And a man down in front
Hollered out, "I smell ****" --
Just like that! Right out loud! ******* rude!

Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks
From: Amos
Date: 01 May 07 - 06:29 PM

A lady in Boston, quite lewd
Went and walked down the street in the nude!
A police man said "What am-
Agnificent bottom!"
And smacked it as hard as he could!


A

Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks
From: kendall
Date: 01 May 07 - 05:38 PM

There once was a woman named Perkins
She simply doted on Gherkins
In spite of advice, she ate so much spice
She pickled her internal workings.

See, I know some clean ones too.
I got that one from an old time radio program called "IT pays to be ignorant". Three comics would be on once a week, and it was nothing but sillyness for half an hour.

Someone would mention a city, Chicago for instance, and another would say, "I used to work in that town!" "Really? what did you do thetre"?
"I was a minister in a shoe factory. I saved souls." Cornball humor at its worst.