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Ask Dr. Guitar

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GUEST,Dr. Guitar 26 Sep 02 - 08:46 AM
GUEST,Dr. Guitar 26 Sep 02 - 08:50 AM
GUEST,Hugh Jarse 26 Sep 02 - 09:04 AM
GUEST,Dr. Guitar 26 Sep 02 - 09:08 AM
HuwG 26 Sep 02 - 09:17 AM
GUEST,Dr. Guitar 26 Sep 02 - 09:22 AM
GUEST,Dr. Guitar 26 Sep 02 - 09:48 AM
GUEST,Dr. Guitar 26 Sep 02 - 10:06 AM
GUEST,Dr. Guitar 26 Sep 02 - 10:17 AM
GUEST,Dr. Guitar 26 Sep 02 - 10:32 AM
GUEST,Dr. Guitar 26 Sep 02 - 10:38 AM
GUEST,Peter Doff 26 Sep 02 - 10:52 AM
GUEST,Dr. Guitar 26 Sep 02 - 10:58 AM
GUEST,Dr. Guitar 26 Sep 02 - 11:36 AM
GUEST,Ann grie 26 Sep 02 - 12:05 PM
GUEST,T.Watt 26 Sep 02 - 12:25 PM
GUEST,Justin Arthur-Dumas 26 Sep 02 - 01:30 PM
GUEST,Ima Dumas 26 Sep 02 - 04:29 PM
GUEST,Al Urker 26 Sep 02 - 05:31 PM
GUEST 27 Sep 02 - 02:16 AM
GUEST,Richard Head 27 Sep 02 - 05:04 AM
HuwG 27 Sep 02 - 09:12 AM
GUEST,Dr. Guitar 27 Sep 02 - 10:03 AM
GUEST,Dr. Guitar 27 Sep 02 - 10:36 AM
GUEST,Dr. Guitar 27 Sep 02 - 10:57 AM
Fossil 27 Sep 02 - 11:11 AM
C-flat 28 Sep 02 - 04:18 AM
CraigS 28 Sep 02 - 07:47 PM
GUEST,Thor Symyrrschesen 28 Sep 02 - 08:16 PM
GUEST,Management Consultant 29 Sep 02 - 04:14 AM
GUEST,Dr. Guitar 30 Sep 02 - 11:49 AM
GUEST,Dr. Guitar 30 Sep 02 - 12:23 PM
C-flat 30 Sep 02 - 01:36 PM
GUEST,P. Ratt 01 Oct 02 - 11:08 AM
GUEST,Dr. Guitar 07 Oct 02 - 08:25 AM
GUEST,Dr. Guitar 07 Oct 02 - 08:38 AM
GUEST,Dr. Guitar 07 Oct 02 - 08:46 AM
GUEST,Dr. Guitar 07 Oct 02 - 08:59 AM
GUEST,Alphonse Nutt 07 Oct 02 - 09:29 AM
53 07 Oct 02 - 10:41 AM
GUEST,Dr. Guitar 07 Oct 02 - 12:41 PM
GUEST,A. Kissup Toady 07 Oct 02 - 01:43 PM
Kaleea 08 Oct 02 - 01:28 AM
GUEST 08 Oct 02 - 11:46 AM
GUEST,C. Lee Goose 14 Oct 02 - 11:53 PM
GUEST,Dr. Guitar 15 Oct 02 - 05:26 AM
GUEST,Dr. Guitar 15 Oct 02 - 05:53 AM
GUEST,Dr. Guitar 15 Oct 02 - 06:02 AM
53 15 Oct 02 - 09:52 AM
53 15 Oct 02 - 10:25 AM
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Subject: Ask Dr. Guitar
From: GUEST,Dr. Guitar
Date: 26 Sep 02 - 08:46 AM

Dear Patients,

Since Mr Hardly's thread

Mr. Hardly's thread has grown so, and to facilitate matters for those with slower equipment, all cases will now be transferred to this thread where of course I will strive to deal with your many and varied problems.

Yours sincerely,

Dr. Guitar


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Subject: RE: BS: Ask Dr. Guitar
From: GUEST,Dr. Guitar
Date: 26 Sep 02 - 08:50 AM

Oh dear..!

...has grown so large and to faciliate matters for those with less able equipment

Mr. Hrdly's thread

has been transferred here where I will continue to do my best to help those in need on a fee-free and confidential basis!

Yours sincerely,

Dr. Guitar


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Subject: RE: BS: Ask Dr. Guitar
From: GUEST,Hugh Jarse
Date: 26 Sep 02 - 09:04 AM

Hi, I'm Italian and i have recently purchased my first guitar. In my "tune a day" book it states - " learners may find it easier to play with a capo" The word "capo" in Italian means boss or head of department! It is comforting to know that our Captains of industry far from being mercenary money grabbing automatons will take the time to enjoy playing music with their minions. Arrivederci H.Jarse


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Subject: RE: BS: Ask Dr. Guitar
From: GUEST,Dr. Guitar
Date: 26 Sep 02 - 09:08 AM

Dear Guest Richie,

What I believe you must do is to coax this particular mouse out as the scraping is more than likely due to a hairy ball. I agree with you entirely, the inside of a guitar is indeed like a parallel universe and it may be difficult to find your mouse there. One possible solution may be to procure a woodworm and cause it to produce a wormhole into this alternative universe. This will enable your trapped mouse to escape back into this universe.

Once thus retrieved, your hairy mouse may be treated humanely (I can do this for you for a small fee) and replaced by a cordless optical mouse. This mouse has no moving parts to cause those annoying scraping noises nor any trailing cord to become entangled in your strings. I believe this will provide a permanent solution to your problem.

P.S. The wormhole will require to be closed after treatment to prevent the sucking in disappearance of any other IT equipment, household items, pets or loved ones into the vast emptiness that is the parallel universe of the guitar's interior.

Yours sincerely,

Dr. Guitar


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Subject: RE: BS: Ask Dr. Guitar
From: HuwG
Date: 26 Sep 02 - 09:17 AM

Ooops, posted in error to the old thread - note to self, hit the "Update" button every once in a while. However,

Dear Dr. Guitar

Miss Othermossie assures me that she has no hidden agenda, and assures me that I was born to play a bdohran bodranh hodbrain thing.

If I may tender some advice to other correspondents who may be thinking of hanging their guitar on a wall, there is some sort of iron bar running down the neck of the one I have. To avoid making sparks and ruining drill bits when drilling the hole through the neck for a large screw, you should use a tungsten carbide masonry bit for the next quarter inch after you first hit resistance. You can use a chamfer or countersunk bit to tidy up the hole in the front of the neck, although be careful not to foul the strings when drilling with this oversize bit, as these can pull away from the bottom of the guitar, and the little white chess pawn which is down there flies off and you can never find it afterwards, and the string itself flails around and leaves marks on your clothing and anything else. Fortunately, I did this drilling on a work bench, and I wear glasses anyway.

Amos (Quito), who normally does any handiwork I need doing, said that he wouldn't touch this procedure "with a bargepole". Is a bargepole a musical expression, or some accessory I should have purchased with the guitar ?

Yours,

Robin Banks


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Subject: RE: BS: Ask Dr. Guitar
From: GUEST,Dr. Guitar
Date: 26 Sep 02 - 09:22 AM

Dear Mr Jordan,

Dear Mr. Guitar,

You do know that music makes no sense?

My case:

1. 12 notes = 7 letters. So rather than having A-L we add Sharps and Flats.

2. F.....um........no sharp? Is that even fair?

3. B gets a flat?

I may sue.

Any defense?

Ham Jordan

You are quite right and indeed this was a subject discussed at some length in my esteemed colleague, Professor Schaller-Gotoh's, excellent treatise "The Ill-Tempered Luthier".

In his work the good Professor also questions and analyses this problem. Apparently the new notation, involving these nonsensical "sharps" and "flats" evolved because of bowing problems with violinists (sometimes referred to as "fiddlers" in this worthy Forum"). Apparently some of these unfortunates were accused of not knowing their As from their L bow which caused offence in some cases. This led to the development of the rather unfair system that has become ubiquitous today.

Knowing that, in folk circles, sharps and flats are not at all popular, I can provide you at minimal cost with a suitable sharps container for their safe disposal and a small repair kit to treat the flats.

Yours sincerely,

Dr. Guitar


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Subject: RE: BS: Ask Dr. Guitar
From: GUEST,Dr. Guitar
Date: 26 Sep 02 - 09:48 AM

Dear Mr A. Nuss,

It could very well be that the front of your guitar displays the "Willie's guitar" syndrome described by Guest Richie in the previous thread while the back of your guitar displays a fine piece of highly figured Brazilian rosewood or perhaps bird's-eye or curly maple. If this is indeed the case then I would be inclined to recommend that you thank your audience for their impeccable taste and not worry about a problem that does not really exist. Unless of course you do not like the extra "Willie" soundhole, in which case either myself or my esteemed colleague, Dr O.M. Dreadnought should be able to help you.

Yours sincerely,

Dr. Guitar


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Subject: RE: BS: Ask Dr. Guitar
From: GUEST,Dr. Guitar
Date: 26 Sep 02 - 10:06 AM

Dear Mr P. Nuss,

Do not let the loss of two fingers deter you and let Mr D.Reinhardt's success be your guiding light!

Regarding your groin troubles, there are two possible solutions. One is to reverse the way you hold your axe so that the sharp part is held aloft. Whilst useful for practice purposes, this may have the undesirable effect of unnerving your audience when you reach the stage of performing in public.

A second solution, which may be ultimately more successful, takes account of your previous vocation as a lumberjack and has the benefit that you will be able to enjoy a relaxing holiday in sunny climes as well. This involves travelling with your axe (which obviously should go as checked-in baggage to comply with international aviation requirements) to the Antilles. There you should seek out a Lignum Vitae tree Guaiacum officinale and try to cut it down. As lignum vitae is one of the densest woods known, your axe will quickly become blunted in a most satisfactory manner comfortable to your private person, and the tree itself should suffer little or no damage.

One possible drawback is that Guaiacum offininale is now a protected species and that, if caught, you could face a stiff penalty or prison sentence.

Yours sincerely,

Dr. Guitar


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Subject: RE: BS: Ask Dr. Guitar
From: GUEST,Dr. Guitar
Date: 26 Sep 02 - 10:17 AM

Dear Mr Hugh Jarse,

Pleased to help Mr Jarse! By the way I have never met an Italian called Hugh before...do you also have some Welsh ancestry?

Yes, you are right, it is pleasing that, in our capitalist society, our senior managers are increasing prepared to mentor us in pursuit of our favourite hobbies! However, you only have part of the picture. The full name is Capo Destra. This means that your mentor must not only be a captain of industry but must be right-wing as well. Experience suggests that this should not be too much of a problem in practice but I feel a responsibility to provide you with all necessary details.

Yours sincerely,

Dr. Guitar


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Subject: RE: BS: Ask Dr. Guitar
From: GUEST,Dr. Guitar
Date: 26 Sep 02 - 10:32 AM

Dear Robin Banks,

I believe the correct spelling is i 'dohbran although I stand to be corrected on this.

No, you don't need to worry, you need not purchase a bargepole. A bargepole is, in fact, the precision instrument that Mr Amos Quito used to fashion the "jack socket" in your guitar and it is also possible, given his level of expertise, that he used it also in the fashioning of your cutaway.

I am so pleased to hear that you have mounted your guitar successfully on your wall despite the presence of the annoying metal rod. You are very wise to have taken the precaution of wearing glasses to protect your eyes.

Your displayed instrument must indeed be a joy to you and a source of inspiration to all!

Yours sincerely,

Dr. Guitar


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Subject: RE: BS: Ask Dr. Guitar
From: GUEST,Dr. Guitar
Date: 26 Sep 02 - 10:38 AM

Dear Bus Toured,

It is indeed gratifying to hear that, in these days of failing values, there are still some decent old-fashioned music shops where witty rapport, good humour, service and a good deal are still prevalent.

Thank you for drawing this to our readers' attention!

Yours sincerely,

Dr. Guitar


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Subject: RE: BS: Ask Dr. Guitar
From: GUEST,Peter Doff
Date: 26 Sep 02 - 10:52 AM

Greetings and felicitations. I need help in tracing an (apparently)well known tune called "that bloody thing somewhere else". I have been a performing musician for many a year but i have never come across it before! It is important for me to learn it as i am requested to play it at every single show i do! other members of my discerning public continually ask me to "put a sock in it" of course i was most pleased to oblige, but now i find that besides my guitar having lost it's timbre - i have terminal chilblains.

yours P.Doff


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Subject: RE: BS: Ask Dr. Guitar
From: GUEST,Dr. Guitar
Date: 26 Sep 02 - 10:58 AM

Dearest Ebbie,

I have been continuing to think about you and your social exclusion a lot in recent days. In a very dusty and neglected part of my library I found the attached. I believe that, by not looking at this, your condition will be cured completely and your fingers will automatically go to the right places.

N.B. Most important. WARNING. A website for Ebbie NOT to look at

I hope that this provides a complete and permanent cure!

Yours sincerely,

Dr. Guitar


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Subject: RE: BS: Ask Dr. Guitar
From: GUEST,Dr. Guitar
Date: 26 Sep 02 - 11:36 AM

Dear Mr P. Doff,

I myself have, by a very strange coincidence, also been asked many times to play that very same piece. Although seemingly popular, searches for it in the DT have proved fruitless although it is possible Masato Sakurai or Malcolm Douglas may have the answer readily to hand. The only references on the internet I have found to it have been sporting ones such as to kick (or throw) that "bloody thing somewhere else". I am assuming, therefore, that it is a sporting song of some type and hope that our more athletic type contributors may be able to help. I have also heard the phrase "point that bloody thing somewhere else" in several Westerns and in soem TV police shows, so it is also possible that it is a "cowboy song" or perhaps an old "outlaw ballad". A search of the EFDSS and Bodleian resources. "That bloody thing" has a distinctly Australian ring to it to my ears and perhaps one of our Australian experts may be able to help.

Regarding the sock, there is no reason why you should endure physical injury or damage for your art, so I would recommend removing the said item of apparel from your guitar and placing once again on your foot. In all probability, that particular member of the audience was probably short-sighted and mistook your guitar for a banjo where use of a sock is not only commonplace but often recommended.

For these various reasons, I personally have long since desisted from performing requests.

Yours sincerely,

Dr. Guitar


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Subject: RE: BS: Ask Dr. Guitar
From: GUEST,Ann grie
Date: 26 Sep 02 - 12:05 PM

Dear sir. Its about time these so-called guitar makers got their act together, i mean for goodness sake can't any of them manage to make a guitar without leaving a blood great gaping round hole in the front! bloody bad craftsmanship i say! just think how much valuable music can leak out whilst one is playing, not to mention one could easily lose a sock or even a small fridge into the gaping chasm therein. REALLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Bad show! Ann Grie, nee Ger.


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Subject: RE: BS: Ask Dr. Guitar
From: GUEST,T.Watt
Date: 26 Sep 02 - 12:25 PM

I was looking for my two acoustic guitars the other day, i searched the house from top to bottom and still couldn't find them. Imagine my relief when my psychiatrist pointed them out to me - i had put them on my feet thinking they were my SLIPPERS by mistake! oh how we chortled. There has to be a moral here somewhere? T.W


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Subject: RE: BS: Ask Dr. Guitar
From: GUEST,Justin Arthur-Dumas
Date: 26 Sep 02 - 01:30 PM

Dr. Dr. Guitar,

As you were so helpful to my sister Anne Arthur-Dumas in the other thread, I thought maybe you could provide a little luthiery advice.

I would dearly love to have an acoustic bass of some type, but my current financial solution precludes my being able to purchase one. A friend recently showed be a very nice acoustic bass guitar that he had built for very little money. This has led me to consider the possibility of building one for myself.

Now, I have heard of a type of bass referred to in the Southeastern U.S. as a "doghouse bass". I have an old doghouse out in the shed-house left over from before old Buford got hit by that truck. It is one of those plastic igloo-looking type things that they sell at Wal-Mart. Would this be suitable for building a doghouse bass? I'm thinking that a nice one made from cedar or cypress shakes would be more attractive, but, hey, I'm one of those guys that doesn't care what it looks like as long as it sounds good. Do you think it would sound as good?

Also, do you have any suggestions for how to attach the two-by-four to the doghouse?

Thank You,

Justin Arthur-Dumas


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Subject: RE: BS: Ask Dr. Guitar
From: GUEST,Ima Dumas
Date: 26 Sep 02 - 04:29 PM

Dear Dr. Guitar,

My question is about time signatures. I understand that a reel is in 4/4 time, which means that there are four quarter notes in each measure. That makes perfect sense as four quarters makes one whole. My question has to do with Irish slip jigs. Slip jigs are in 9/8 time, which means that there are nine eighth notes in each measure. Now, from what I learned about fractions way back in elementary school, that is patently impossible! Eight eighth notes would make a whole measure. Nine eighth notes makes a whole measure with one eighth note left over What happens to all those extra eighth notes? Do they just disappear? Do they hang around and raise their ugly little heads in the guise of those little off-tempo "hiccups" that fiddlers love but that drive rhythm guitarists crazy?

Patiently awaiting your response,

Ima Dumas


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Subject: RE: BS: Ask Dr. Guitar
From: GUEST,Al Urker
Date: 26 Sep 02 - 05:31 PM

I was surfing by when i noted the question posed by Justin, I was myself once cast into the doldrums being as he - impecunious. It was indeed most fortunate twas' the doldrums i was cast into, as when i finally made my way to the shore i found that several large fish had found their way into my clothing. As a musician i immediately saw the value of he aforementioned fish as, how can i say - organic instruments. I found to my delight that subsequent to careful drying the aforementioned fish, upon being blown (in the manner of a euphonium) produced a rich and wholesome deep resonant note. Upon returning to civilisation i was reliably informed that these particular fish were indeed ... "BASS" I think the moral here is not to destroy any of your house to manufacture an instrument: go fishing instead!

fin


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Subject: RE: BS: Ask Dr. Guitar
From: GUEST
Date: 27 Sep 02 - 02:16 AM

Dr. Guitar, I did NOT look at that site. For that matter, once before I didn't look at that site. You're just like all the rest.

Alona


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Subject: RE: BS: Ask Dr. Guitar
From: GUEST,Richard Head
Date: 27 Sep 02 - 05:04 AM

There is perhaps nothing to compliment the tranquility of a balmy summer's day than the crack of willow upon leather, I refer to Jeffrey archers head being hit with a Fender Telecaster. D. Head


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Subject: RE: BS: Ask Dr. Guitar
From: HuwG
Date: 27 Sep 02 - 09:12 AM

Dear Dr. Guitar,

I wonder whether your correspondent, Ms. Ann Grie (nee Ger) has not got the wrong end of the stick. My good friend (and amateur luthier extraordinaire) Amos Quito, tells me he once attended a concert where the lead singer was playing a guitar with a name like, "Round of Applause" or "Standing Ovation", which was clearly unfinished, as it had no hole in the front.

Clearly, this poor presentation was detracting from the overall enjoyment value of the concert, so during the interval, he wandered round the back of the stage and remedied this deficiency with his handy cordless saw.

He was unable to speak to the singer to discuss his work, as some sort of argument broke out when the players returned to the stage, and the second half of the concert was cancelled. He tells me he is unable to discuss this incident further, as there is a Court Case pending, and sone lawyer has told him to say nothing, or "reserve his defence", as he puts it.

However, he has offered to perform the same service to the owners of several "resonator" guitars, as he feels that those big metal grilles or shields must be muffling the sound. The owners have refused, probably on sentimental grounds.

On the matters we have previously discussed, I have been unable to obtain a brothdan handboth Irish drum or whatever it is; when I try and pronounce it to music shop assistants, they seem to look baffled. I am however, practicing with a temporary version which I made from an old dustbin lid. My neighbours clearly enjoy the noise this makes, as they thump on the walls in time to my beat.

Yours,

Robin Banks


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Subject: RE: BS: Ask Dr. Guitar
From: GUEST,Dr. Guitar
Date: 27 Sep 02 - 10:03 AM

My dear esteemed correspondents!

Please do not consider me churlish for not responding immediately to your many requests for help. Indeed I see much suffering in some of your posts and I will not abadone you in your hour of need. Unfortunately, I am in my day surgery at present attending to the needs of the physically present. Howevr, thanks to this modern miracle of the internet, I am able to keep track of your pleas for advice.

Please rest assured that I will soon respond to each and every one of your problems as soon as possible.

I can respond quickly here to one correspondent...Mr D. Head.

Indeed Mr Head, I appreciate the analogy very much and there can be few finer sounds of a summer's day! Without wishing to seem pedantic however I must point out that the body of a telecaster is normally made from a denser wood than willow, e.g. ash or maple. Likewise, Mr Archer's head is not constructed from leather but indeed of some species of softwood I believe, perhaps some species of Araucaria (Monkey puzzle)?

However, these are fairly minor points and do not in any way detract from the simple beauty of the metaphor you so ably describe!

Yours sincerely,

Dr. Guitar


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Subject: RE: BS: Ask Dr. Guitar
From: GUEST,Dr. Guitar
Date: 27 Sep 02 - 10:36 AM

Dear Mr T. Watt,

Remarkably, I have just seen a patient with a remarkably similar complaint! In his case he was wearing a pair of Gibson J-45s (approximately size 11 for those using imperial units) which he had mistaken for his shoes. Professional courtesy of course obliged me to treat this person with the concerned and serious, yet friendly, demeanour that my patients' expect. However, I was able to enjoy the amusement of the situation in a restrained manner in the privacy of my own study.

We must be thankful to our luthier friends that none of them has yet considered sandalwood, Santalum albumL., yet for building instruments!

Yours sincerely,

Dr. Guitar


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Subject: RE: BS: Ask Dr. Guitar
From: GUEST,Dr. Guitar
Date: 27 Sep 02 - 10:57 AM

Dear Al Urker,

An interesting story indeed!

Besides the remarkable bass, many do know about the musicality of fish. I am reliably informed that banjos have a perch-pole, most stringed intruments have tunas of some species (indeed the piano requires one in physical attendance at least once a year), the conger may be used for percussion, most musicians have at one time or another come into contact with a smoked roach, and concerning payment and contracts almost all musicians have needed to carp! I am sure that many of our assiduous readers will readily identify other musical fish!

Yours sincerely,

Dr. Guitar


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Subject: RE: BS: Ask Dr. Guitar
From: Fossil
Date: 27 Sep 02 - 11:11 AM

Another guitar tune I am often requested to play is "Down in the forest". I would like to know if anyone has the words to this or if it has any special folk connotations, since the request is often accompanied by an antiphonal chant (which I presume is traditional) from other members of the audience "F" and "off", in a repetitive minor cadence, which I assume refers the key in which it is played -or is it referring to the forest in question? Please help me....


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Subject: RE: BS: Ask Dr. Guitar
From: C-flat
Date: 28 Sep 02 - 04:18 AM

Dear Dr. Guitar,
Good news and Bad news!
The good news is that I've recently inherited a rare, vintage instrument, that has been in my Aunts' family for years.
It is a Selmer Maccaferri made in 1933 and, I'm given to understand, fairly valuable.
As the only "musical" member of the family, apart from my cousin Winston who is something of a virtuoso on the spoons, it was agreed that the guitar should go to me following Aunties unfortunate encounter with the No.73 bus.
Apparently Auntie Edna was attempting to retrieve her lucky bingo pen, which had rolled under the stationary vehicle, when the bus drove away with Edna snagged by her surgical stocking on the underside. Three stops later Auntie was deposited, pen in hand, outside the Mecca bingo hall but unfortunately her number was up.
But I digress! Now where was I?........ Ah yes! The Bad news,
The bad news is that, at some time in the past, a previous owner has sought fit to embellish the guitar with his name, scratched, rather clumsily, onto the body. I have managed to remove most of the lettering except where the pen has pressed most deeply into the wood and was about to get the power-sander out when I thought of you!
I certainly wouldn't want to do anything to devalue this lovely instrument(unlike a certain vandal by the name of "Django Reinhardt") and would appreciate your advice on this matter.
Although I'm not given to violence, if I could get my hands on that Django chappie I'd chop his bloody fingers off!
Yours despairingly,
Ivor Screwluss.


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Subject: RE: BS: Ask Dr. Guitar
From: CraigS
Date: 28 Sep 02 - 07:47 PM

That Reinhardt chap must have got about a bit - there's a later petit bouche Selmer in a museum in Paris which he stamped hs name on beside the twiddly things for string adjustments.


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Subject: RE: BS: Ask Dr. Guitar
From: GUEST,Thor Symyrrschesen
Date: 28 Sep 02 - 08:16 PM

Deer Dr Giutar,

I am traveling several weeks now with my hardrock group Der Gotterdammerungers and I am having trouble with my groupees who are making me to smash my faching Stratocaster. This is happening as this : I am getting on the stage fine and playing in a normal rockstar manner undtil my group plays our big hit Swinging the Hamer of Thor. I am trying to be calm, but my groupees are taking thier bras from their boozums and calling "Swing your hammer Mighty Thor!" This is what makes me break my giutar on top of the stage.

I am buying the cheaper and cheaper Strats, first the Eric Clapton model, then Eddie Van Halen, then the Neil Diamond and finally a crummy Snooks Mackenzie model. I am saving the peices and assembeling a guitar before each show.

How you could help me with this problem? Don't ask I should not break my instroment, because I'm needing these groupees to control my acne problem.

"Mighty" Thor Hotel Cramloch Stertnees, Scotland


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Subject: RE: BS: Ask Dr. Guitar
From: GUEST,Management Consultant
Date: 29 Sep 02 - 04:14 AM

I have followed this thread with great attention and it is obvious to me that the whole of the music-production industry needs to undertake a business change. As a simple illustration, I have observed that many guitar players spend up to half and hour of non-productive time per day "tuning" their instruments to make them match an entirely arbitrary set of standard notes. A little lateral thinking shows that all of this time could be saved if the music was written to the 'de-tuned' notes. While this would certainly require an initial investment to regenerate the necessary tunes, I am convinced the ROI in terms of time makes this a project which should be undertaken with some priority.

My invoice in is the post.


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Subject: RE: BS: Ask Dr. Guitar
From: GUEST,Dr. Guitar
Date: 30 Sep 02 - 11:49 AM

Dear Mr Screwluss,

How lucky you are with inheriting such a fine piece especially as it is a "Selmer Maccaferri" model basically only made in 1932 and 1933.

Despite the annoying obviously forged and crudely carved signature I would be careful with the application of the power sander on such a rare and valuable instrument.

How fortunate that Mr Reinhardt almost exclusively played the oval hole model introduced from 1934 rather than the 1932-33 D-hole model. Except of course if your have the year wrong and it is serial number 503 (made in 1940) that you have! (in which case the museum of the Conservatoire Nationale in Paris would very much like to get in touch with you!!! And except of course if he borrowed Auntie Edna's guitar (he was rather inclined to borrow peoples' instruments rather a lot in which case it was most inconsiderate of him to have defaced such a fine instrument in such a way!).

I am so sorry to have heard of Auntie Edna's unfortunate encounter with the no. 73 bus especially so since it is a route that I am rather fond of since many a time I travelled to my club in Park Lane on its upper floor.

Yours sincerely,

Dr. Guitar


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Subject: RE: BS: Ask Dr. Guitar
From: GUEST,Dr. Guitar
Date: 30 Sep 02 - 12:23 PM

Dear Mr Fossil,

What good fortune! You are in the company of some greats!

Many Mississippi bluesment have been asked to play down in the depot; Billy Joe Royal, Kenny Loggins and Ry Cooder were all asked to play down in the boondocks; the Easy Club were often asked to play down in the wee room...

I believe it, and the accompanying chants of appreciation from your audience, to be merely a positive affirmation of your undoubted musical abilities. Alternatively, they may be used to that particular song in the key of E and may be asked you to remove your capo from the first fret in telling to to "get the F off".

I myself am often asked to play if I am going down to the woods today and reminded that there will be a big surprise for me!

Yours sincerely,

Dr. Guitar


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Subject: RE: BS: Ask Dr. Guitar
From: C-flat
Date: 30 Sep 02 - 01:36 PM

Dear Dr. Guitar,
I am hoping you can help me on my road to fame and fortune.
I need some advice on how to secure good quality gigs. Following a recent rave review in my local gig guide "No Turn Unstoned", which described me as "something of a cult" (unfortunately a spelling error during typesetting has rendered it useless as a critique), I was spurred to writing off to a number of major recording artists to offer my services as a support act.
I enclosed a tape of some of my best material but as yet have only recieved one curt reply from Elton John which read "You Can't!" and even that was mis-spelt!
I know that, strictly speaking, this isn't your area of expertise but I would be grateful for any advice.
Yours,(waiting in the wings)
W.Annabee


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Subject: RE: BS: Ask Dr. Guitar
From: GUEST,P. Ratt
Date: 01 Oct 02 - 11:08 AM

Dear Sir, I recently purchased a guitar from Nobgoblin music,
the label on the guitar stipulated ;- " This is a folk guitar".
Being of that particular musical persuasion i purchased it.
I'm finding it rather difficult though, to be able to play the guitar
and, at the same time keep one finger in my ear! have you any suggestions?
P.Ratt


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Subject: RE: BS: Ask Dr. Guitar
From: GUEST,Dr. Guitar
Date: 07 Oct 02 - 08:25 AM

My dear esteemed patients and correspondents!

It was not my wish to let your many pleas for help go unanswered but even a humble doctor such as myself is called away to foreign climes on urgent business. And then there was that tricky matter of threatened litigation concerning the squeaking G-string and a bottle of motorcyclists' graphite lubricant... Such are the tribulations of life.

Anyway, I am back now and at your disposal once again to dispense such hope and comfort as I can to the needy.

Let us start with guest Mr Thor Symyrrschesen's problem....
_____________________

Dear Thor the Mighty,

I would like to point out from the outset that I do not claim to be a species of deer although some have occasionally called me an ass!

I think the trouble may be that you have a problem with your Ring. Hagen is definitely after it ("Schläfst du, Hagen?").

You will recall that, on the banks of the Rhine, the maidens were bewailing their lost treasures. These are clearly the bras they are taking from their boozums and offering you. They are, in fact, probably pleading for your Ring, perhaps mistaking you for Hagen (not Nina in this case). Are you sure they are not calling "Ring of yours Hagen, might be sore..."?

If this is the case, a simple and repeated application of a medicinal product such as Scleriproc or a similar formulation may ease the irritation which is clearly intense enough to cause you to needlessly destroy your valuable instrument on stage. (Which as you correctly state, you require to control the annoying outbreaks of acne.)

A potentially more serious problem is that, unless you follow my advice and stop pretending to be Hagen, there is a serious danger that, at the climax of your act, the maidens will drag you to your death which is a fate I would, of course, not wish to befall any of my patients.

Hoping that this is of assistance.

Yours sincerely,

Dr. Guitar

P.S. I think it wise to remain in Scotland for the duration. Trips along the Rhine should be avoided until the problem clears up.


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Subject: RE: BS: Ask Dr. Guitar
From: GUEST,Dr. Guitar
Date: 07 Oct 02 - 08:38 AM

Dear Guest Management Consultant,

A succinct observation indeed. As I have observed previously, not only are those notes arbitrary but they must be tuned at rather inconvenient time during the early hours of the morning, such as 2:20 or 4:40. Let us do away with them completely! This will, as you correctly state, save much time but, more importantly permit greater creativity and create less potential for claims of "plagiarism". I do not think any great investment will be necessary and it will certainly be of great assistance to those such as our dear Ebbie who do not know where to put their fingers.

(N.B. Dear Ebbie, if you are still there please continue not to look at that web page I asked you not to look at, as this is a long-term treatment.)

I did have your own arbitrary note as sent in front of me somewhere recently but, also it seems to have disappeared somewhere behind me...

Yours sincerely,

Dr. Guitar


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Subject: RE: BS: Ask Dr. Guitar
From: GUEST,Dr. Guitar
Date: 07 Oct 02 - 08:46 AM

Dear Mr. W. Annabee,

Strictly speaking, spelling and lexicography in general is not my area of specialization although, if you would care to send me your material, I would be more than happy to try and formulate a suitable review.

I recommend that, in such cases of literary mastership you should consult one of Mudcat's esteemed experts in such matters such as Mr Amos. Regarding your approach to major recording artists, I think psychology may be important here and I can think of no better authority than Mudcat's own renowned expert on such matter, Mr Wolfgang, who will undoubtedly be able to point you in the right direction.

Yours sincerely,

Dr. Guitar


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Subject: RE: BS: Ask Dr. Guitar
From: GUEST,Dr. Guitar
Date: 07 Oct 02 - 08:59 AM

Dear Mr P. Ratt,

I have noticed a tendancy for the folks at Obnobling to label their instruments thus. It is bad enough to manage simulataneous aural digitization with a guitar, as you have experienced, but spare a kind thought also for my unfortunate patients with clarsachs.

But I have thought of two possible solutions!

The first is that you could ask a member of the audience to perform the aural digitization while you play away.

The second is that you could visit a theatrical or cinematic props purveyor and purchase a "false hand" which I believe are commonly found in productions of a certain genre in those artistic traditions. With the aid of a suitable mounting device, e.g. an adapted headphone holder or G-clamp, you could then affix this artefact such that it performs the necessary digital function. This second option has the advantage that it provides you with greater mobility on stage.

Yours sincerely,

Dr. Guitar


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Subject: RE: BS: Ask Dr. Guitar
From: GUEST,Alphonse Nutt
Date: 07 Oct 02 - 09:29 AM

Dear sir,
As a deterrent to would be guitar theives i have devised a fiendishly
clever plan - Firstly, obtain some (approx 30grams) of used plutonium
( available in most ex eastern bloc countries ) grind this material into a fine, talc like powder. Now the clever bit! lightly dust the strings of your instrument with the powder, Viola! as soon as the theif plays the stolen instrument he/she will inhale the dust and die a long and lingering death from cancer or some other suitable disease. To be fair i can't take all of the credit for this worthwhile idea - well, to be honest, my wife betty suggested it really, she is such a sweet thing, she visits me here in hospital quite regularly, she has even forgiven me for eating her mother.
A.Nutt


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Subject: RE: BS: Ask Dr. Guitar
From: 53
Date: 07 Oct 02 - 10:41 AM

Dr. Guitar has a lot to say.


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Subject: RE: BS: Ask Dr. Guitar
From: GUEST,Dr. Guitar
Date: 07 Oct 02 - 12:41 PM

Dear Mr A. Nutt,

Your solution is an inventive one but, sadly, flawed I am afraid to say. First of all, there is no known source of used plutonium. All plutonium in its various varieties is made freshly to order in nuclear plants.

A second problem would be the risks generated, apart from the annoying and ethically unacceptable toxic hazard to your audience and other innocent bystanders, the weak alpha radiation could have a potentially deleterious effect on the fine polymeric finish of your guitar (or viola?...I am not sure which you own from your letter). Thirdly you yourself might mistake it for the talcum powder you probably use for playing blues guitar (or viola) and contaminate your own physical person. Fourthly, can you begin to imagine the disastrous consequences should you decide to form an ensemble with similar-minded musicians.

I have a proposal. Why not separate out the plutonium 241. If you store this safely for 14 years, half of it will have decayed to a gram or so of americium-241 which will give you a unique opportunity to establish a potentially profitable and ethically acceptable smoke detector business.

If you really must go ahead with this scheme despite my advice, procure a small amount of the heaviest form of Pu which has a half life of approximately 37600 years. If you place this within your guitar case it should deter anybody, even yourself, from going near.

As for the remaining Pu, I am at a loss as to where you might store it but perhaps some of our resident physicists may be able to help with suggestions.

However, all of this is purely hypothetical since you seem to be safely locked away for the protection of society! But I have nevertheless alerted the authorities just to be on the safe side and I am led to believe that Mrs Nutt is currently helping them with their enquiries!

Yours sincerely,

Dr. Guitar


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Subject: RE: BS: Ask Dr. Guitar
From: GUEST,A. Kissup Toady
Date: 07 Oct 02 - 01:43 PM

Unsolicited testimonials for Doctor Guitar:

"Dat Doctah Geetah' be one smaht mo foga." - Gansta rapper Teryo Assoff

"When my girlfriend broke her G-string, Doctor Guitar had the situation well-in-hand in just a matter of seconds." - A. Real Loozer

"I'm going to write my doctoral dissertation on the cummulative effects of the opinions of Doctor Guitar on the socio-economic structure of rural Northern Mississippi in the late 20th Century." - N. N. Ivory Tower

"Whatsup, Doc?" - Bugs Bunny


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Subject: RE: BS: Ask Dr. Guitar
From: Kaleea
Date: 08 Oct 02 - 01:28 AM

Dear Dr. Guitar. Recently af friend of mine decided to take up the guitar, and bought one for about $400. She complained that it hurt her fingers to play it, therefore she asked me to go along with her to look at another guitar which had a teeny weeny itsy bitsy neck & gigantic price tag. I advised her that foo-foo sissie students students such as herself often complain of their fingers hurting too much. Since she was in the decision dillemma mode, I advised her to wait at least a couple of days before trading her new Sigma guitar in for a beat up 1960 Gibson student model for which they are asking @ $500. She has large fingers for a woman, and long fingernails which she refuses to cut off are making it difficult for her to play, and therefore her fingers & nails touch the string next to the one which she attempts to depress. Now for the quesion: Since she has been relunctant to take time away from her other instrument, she keeps putting off guitar lessons & says she won't play anyway cause it's too hard. I have much smaller fingers & no nails cause I cut em down--therefore I can play a teeny weeny neck easily.
    This is why I was thinking that I would put all my vast knowledge of playing guitar--or atleast some of it onto casette tapes & let her listen to "Learn to play guitar while you sleep" tapes?!! She is afraid it will take only about 10 minutes to build up her fingers & hand & wrist, & so far, I have not corrected her. Should I offer her guitar lessons agagin, or let her wake up & smell the mcmuffins?
Or should I depend upon upon learn-while-you sleep-tapes to get her playing?
    Confused in the Mid-West USA


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Subject: RE: BS: Ask Dr. Guitar
From: GUEST
Date: 08 Oct 02 - 11:46 AM

Dear Dr. Guitar,

Please forgive me for the curtness in my last post. I have been frustrated in trying to deal with your instructions.

I did finally come up with a temporary solution, but now I need your mailing address. Knowing that it is your desire to provide answers, and that you are therefore liable for all expenses deriving therefrom, as soon as I have your address I will send you an invoice itemizing the expenses I have incurred in following your dicta. I am currently traveling in Oregon which is proving a workable solution; thus far I have succeeded in NOT looking at that web site. When I return home to Alaska, as I inevitably must, I will need further assistance.

Looking forward to being in ongoing communication with you, I am

Alona Lott


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Subject: RE: BS: Ask Dr. Guitar
From: GUEST,C. Lee Goose
Date: 14 Oct 02 - 11:53 PM

Dear Dr. Guitar,

While your fame on this forum is duly acknowledged, I was totally unaware of the tremendous esteem in which you are held by the guitar culture at-large. Congratulations on joining the ranks of Eric Clapton, Steve Howe, Peter Rowan, Clarence White and all the others who have had guitar models named after them by the C.F. Martin Company. Click Here. My only question is why is the Dr. Guitar model so cheap while all the other signature models cost a bundle?

Sincerely,

C. Lee Goose


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Subject: RE: BS: Ask Dr. Guitar
From: GUEST,Dr. Guitar
Date: 15 Oct 02 - 05:26 AM

Dear Patients and Correspondents,

First of all I must apologise for deserting you here on Mudcat for so long. My services were needed urgently in the former Eastern Bloc where suffering cimbalom, contrabass and domra players required immediate assistance.

This brings me first of all to Guest Alona Lott's problem.

Dear Alona,

I would love to be able to provide you with a mailing address for your invoice but, as you can see, I am virtually a person of no fixed abode myself, dispensing, as is my responsibility, advice to the musically needy on an international basis.

In the meantime I have continued to worry about your predicament. Part of the problem may be that you are trying to use too many fingers. I have, therefore, at my own expense trawled the entire internet and have found the following page which promises wonderful things and which on no account must you look at.

How to play complex and amazing jazz chords with only two fingers

Please do not look at this site as it could be dangerous. Please allow me to quote from it to illustrate my point:

"...New method to play complex Jazz chords, using just 2 fingers"

"...in various neck positions"

"...Learn improvised solos and fills, with increased fluidity"

If this were not bad enough it also offers free downloadable software to assist the unwary in all of this.

I suppose, as the internet is unregulated, we cannot stop this sort of abuse but I feel a responsibility to warn readers, and particularly you, Dear Alona Lott, to avoid contamination by it and possible further social exclusion.

Please do tell me more about your travels in Oregon, a beautiful State I am reliably informed although I have never had the luck to travel there myself.

Yours sincerely,

Dr. Guitar


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Subject: RE: BS: Ask Dr. Guitar
From: GUEST,Dr. Guitar
Date: 15 Oct 02 - 05:53 AM

Dear Confused in the Mid-West USA,

Your post raises not just one but several interesting points!

Since your friend seems a reluctant student, it seems futile to waste an enormous $500 on such an instrument which could clearly damage her fingernails further causing the kind of social exclusion that Alona Lott has suffered. If, indeed, she has gone ahead with this fruitless purchase I recommend that you ask her to forward this old "Gibson" to me as I have the necessary facilities to dispose of it safely and free of charge.

Is your friend handy? I ask this because it is not strictly necessary for a guitar to have strings and this could solve her fingernail problems and, indeed owning long fingernails could be a positive advantage in constructing her own very special guitar. Here is a site which explains how. Is your friend prepared to wear short trousers and do a funny walk as well as these qualities would also add to the ownership pleasure of such an instrument.

A build-it-yourself guitar that won't hurt your fingers or damage your fingernails

Since your friend appears to be a "reluctant student", your "Learn to play guitar while you sleep" tapes risk not being appreciated. However your generosity should in some way be rewarded and, since Alona Lott does not know where to put her fingers, I cannot but help think that your singular act of kindness could contribute towards a partial cure of her malady.

Yours sincerely,

Dr. Guitar


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Subject: RE: BS: Ask Dr. Guitar
From: GUEST,Dr. Guitar
Date: 15 Oct 02 - 06:02 AM

Dear C. Lee Goose,

Thank you so much for drawing this to my attention. How kind of the C.F. Martin company to honour me in such a way! And for pricing the instrument such that it may be accessible to the needy masses who, indeed, comprise the majority of my correspondents!

I am also overwhelmed by the testimonials that have been brought to my attention by Mr/Mrs/Ms A. Kissup Toady, although I am not exactly sure what a "mo foga" is. I am sure, however, that it must be some modern expression of respect and esteem!

Thank you so much.

Yours sincerely,

Dr. Guitar


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Subject: RE: BS: Ask Dr. Guitar
From: 53
Date: 15 Oct 02 - 09:52 AM

You must be a new one.


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Subject: RE: BS: Ask Dr. Guitar
From: 53
Date: 15 Oct 02 - 10:25 AM

How do you play the guitar when your left hand is messed up?


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