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BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis

GUEST,Jande 04 Sep 02 - 12:13 PM
Amos 04 Sep 02 - 12:19 PM
Jande 04 Sep 02 - 12:35 PM
Ianfe 04 Sep 02 - 12:56 PM
MMario 04 Sep 02 - 01:04 PM
Amos 04 Sep 02 - 01:13 PM
Bobert 04 Sep 02 - 01:26 PM
Amos 04 Sep 02 - 01:40 PM
Little Hawk 04 Sep 02 - 01:55 PM
Jande 04 Sep 02 - 02:15 PM
Amergin 04 Sep 02 - 02:27 PM
hesperis 04 Sep 02 - 02:53 PM
Amos 04 Sep 02 - 03:07 PM
Jande 04 Sep 02 - 04:08 PM
Jande 04 Sep 02 - 04:13 PM
Amos 04 Sep 02 - 04:17 PM
Little Hawk 04 Sep 02 - 04:47 PM
Irish sergeant 04 Sep 02 - 05:10 PM
hesperis 05 Sep 02 - 11:30 PM
Amos 06 Sep 02 - 12:05 AM
hesperis 07 Sep 02 - 09:21 PM
Little Hawk 07 Sep 02 - 09:48 PM
CarolC 07 Sep 02 - 11:05 PM
hesperis 08 Sep 02 - 01:10 AM
Amos 08 Sep 02 - 01:42 AM
Little Hawk 08 Sep 02 - 01:01 PM
hesperis 08 Sep 02 - 10:49 PM
hesperis 13 Sep 02 - 03:04 PM
Amergin 13 Sep 02 - 03:11 PM
Amos 13 Sep 02 - 03:12 PM
GUEST,mg 13 Sep 02 - 03:24 PM
Little Hawk 13 Sep 02 - 03:47 PM
CarolC 13 Sep 02 - 04:29 PM
hesperis 13 Sep 02 - 10:07 PM
Amergin 13 Sep 02 - 10:10 PM
Amos 13 Sep 02 - 10:38 PM
hesperis 14 Sep 02 - 12:05 AM
Jack the Sailor 14 Sep 02 - 02:31 PM
CarolC 14 Sep 02 - 02:32 PM
hesperis 14 Sep 02 - 05:38 PM
hesperis 18 Sep 02 - 12:17 PM
wysiwyg 18 Sep 02 - 11:39 PM
hesperis 20 Sep 02 - 01:20 AM
katlaughing 20 Sep 02 - 03:19 AM
wysiwyg 20 Sep 02 - 03:58 PM
hesperis 22 Sep 02 - 01:18 AM
Jande 25 Sep 02 - 11:28 AM
hesperis 25 Sep 02 - 08:54 PM
wysiwyg 25 Sep 02 - 11:13 PM
mg 26 Sep 02 - 01:07 AM
GUEST,cookieless hesperis 26 Sep 02 - 11:42 AM
mg 26 Sep 02 - 12:41 PM
wysiwyg 26 Sep 02 - 12:49 PM
CarolC 26 Sep 02 - 01:04 PM
GUEST,cookieless hesperis 26 Sep 02 - 02:29 PM
GUEST,mg 26 Sep 02 - 02:48 PM
GUEST,mg 26 Sep 02 - 06:13 PM
mg 27 Sep 02 - 12:26 AM
GUEST,cookieless hesperis 27 Sep 02 - 01:35 PM
hesperis 29 Sep 02 - 03:19 AM
Little Hawk 29 Sep 02 - 02:01 PM
wysiwyg 29 Sep 02 - 08:21 PM
Little Hawk 29 Sep 02 - 10:17 PM
katlaughing 29 Sep 02 - 10:35 PM
wysiwyg 29 Sep 02 - 11:04 PM
Sorcha 29 Sep 02 - 11:18 PM
GUEST 30 Sep 02 - 03:44 AM
GUEST,cookieless hesperis 30 Sep 02 - 12:34 PM
wysiwyg 30 Sep 02 - 12:48 PM
hesperis 30 Sep 02 - 11:39 PM
mg 01 Oct 02 - 11:55 AM
mg 01 Oct 02 - 12:32 PM
hesperis 02 Oct 02 - 11:43 PM
mg 02 Oct 02 - 11:53 PM
mg 03 Oct 02 - 12:01 AM
mg 03 Oct 02 - 12:32 AM
wysiwyg 03 Oct 02 - 09:45 AM
hesperis 03 Oct 02 - 01:02 PM
wysiwyg 03 Oct 02 - 01:51 PM
CarolC 03 Oct 02 - 01:52 PM
hesperis 03 Oct 02 - 04:46 PM
mg 03 Oct 02 - 04:56 PM
hesperis 03 Oct 02 - 05:04 PM
mg 03 Oct 02 - 06:01 PM
GUEST 04 Oct 02 - 03:51 AM
harpgirl 04 Oct 02 - 08:13 AM
Willie-O 04 Oct 02 - 09:30 AM
hesperis 04 Oct 02 - 10:58 AM
hesperis 04 Oct 02 - 11:14 AM
wysiwyg 04 Oct 02 - 12:43 PM
GUEST,concerned 04 Oct 02 - 10:20 PM
mg 04 Oct 02 - 10:47 PM
CarolC 04 Oct 02 - 11:09 PM
mg 04 Oct 02 - 11:22 PM
mg 04 Oct 02 - 11:32 PM
hesperis 05 Oct 02 - 12:04 AM
CarolC 05 Oct 02 - 02:40 AM
CarolC 05 Oct 02 - 02:41 AM
mg 05 Oct 02 - 01:08 PM
Little Hawk 05 Oct 02 - 02:50 PM
hesperis 06 Oct 02 - 03:20 PM
wysiwyg 06 Oct 02 - 04:56 PM
mg 06 Oct 02 - 04:58 PM
mg 06 Oct 02 - 06:41 PM
Little Hawk 06 Oct 02 - 06:48 PM
wysiwyg 06 Oct 02 - 08:07 PM
Jande 07 Oct 02 - 11:41 AM
Catherine Jayne 07 Oct 02 - 01:01 PM
wysiwyg 07 Oct 02 - 02:37 PM
hesperis 07 Oct 02 - 10:46 PM
hesperis 07 Oct 02 - 10:56 PM
mg 08 Oct 02 - 01:03 AM
Catherine Jayne 08 Oct 02 - 03:45 AM
hesperis 08 Oct 02 - 12:48 PM
Jande 08 Oct 02 - 01:15 PM
hesperis 08 Oct 02 - 04:12 PM
mg 08 Oct 02 - 06:05 PM
Marion 09 Oct 02 - 12:39 AM
GUEST,cookieless hesperis 10 Oct 02 - 01:13 AM
hesperis 13 Oct 02 - 09:20 PM
Willie-O 13 Oct 02 - 09:51 PM
wysiwyg 13 Oct 02 - 11:58 PM
hesperis 16 Oct 02 - 05:20 PM
hesperis 18 Oct 02 - 11:29 AM
CapriUni 18 Oct 02 - 01:52 PM
mg 18 Oct 02 - 02:06 PM
hesperis 22 Oct 02 - 11:22 AM
GUEST,cookieless hesperis 24 Oct 02 - 06:08 PM
katlaughing 24 Oct 02 - 07:18 PM
Little Hawk 24 Oct 02 - 08:38 PM
GUEST,cookieless hesperis 29 Oct 02 - 01:08 PM
katlaughing 29 Oct 02 - 01:13 PM
Amos 29 Oct 02 - 02:52 PM
hesperis 30 Oct 02 - 05:20 PM
black walnut 01 Nov 02 - 03:02 PM
hesperis 02 Nov 02 - 07:36 PM
mg 02 Nov 02 - 07:48 PM
wysiwyg 02 Nov 02 - 10:07 PM
black walnut 03 Nov 02 - 07:12 AM
GUEST,cookieless hesperis 03 Nov 02 - 06:04 PM
Willie-O 03 Nov 02 - 06:22 PM
wysiwyg 04 Nov 02 - 12:15 AM
katlaughing 04 Nov 02 - 12:24 AM
CarolC 04 Nov 02 - 03:37 PM
hesperis 06 Nov 02 - 07:11 PM
GUEST,cookieless hesperis 09 Nov 02 - 10:29 PM
CarolC 10 Nov 02 - 12:00 PM
hesperis 15 Nov 02 - 08:29 PM
hesperis 18 Nov 02 - 11:33 AM
hesperis 19 Nov 02 - 06:08 PM
Marion 20 Nov 02 - 12:31 AM
hesperis 21 Nov 02 - 10:01 PM
hesperis 28 Nov 02 - 10:29 PM
CarolC 29 Nov 02 - 12:13 AM
hesperis 29 Nov 02 - 09:57 AM
CarolC 30 Nov 02 - 05:33 PM
Marion 03 Dec 02 - 12:30 PM
hesperis 10 Dec 02 - 09:29 PM
CarolC 14 Dec 02 - 09:04 AM
hesperis 14 Dec 02 - 12:07 PM
hesperis 20 Dec 02 - 05:24 PM
CapriUni 20 Dec 02 - 05:29 PM
wysiwyg 21 Dec 02 - 09:49 PM
wysiwyg 21 Dec 02 - 09:56 PM
hesperis 23 Dec 02 - 11:44 PM
hesperis 24 Dec 02 - 02:12 PM
CarolC 24 Dec 02 - 03:39 PM
mg 24 Dec 02 - 03:55 PM
hesperis 25 Dec 02 - 08:36 AM
Little Hawk 25 Dec 02 - 12:29 PM
GUEST,Marion 27 Dec 02 - 06:25 PM
Bobert 27 Dec 02 - 07:24 PM
hesperis 28 Dec 02 - 03:04 AM
hesperis 02 Jan 03 - 01:25 AM
GUEST,celticAnnie 02 Jan 03 - 11:57 AM
hesperis 02 Jan 03 - 03:43 PM
hesperis 22 Jan 03 - 11:11 PM
Little Hawk 23 Jan 03 - 12:35 AM
hesperis 31 Jan 03 - 01:12 PM
hesperis 14 Mar 03 - 03:07 PM
katlaughing 14 Mar 03 - 03:17 PM
CarolC 14 Mar 03 - 03:21 PM
Little Hawk 14 Mar 03 - 04:07 PM
gnu 14 Mar 03 - 04:13 PM
hesperis 16 Mar 03 - 12:54 AM
hesperis 02 Apr 03 - 11:46 PM
Little Hawk 03 Apr 03 - 12:09 AM
hesperis 03 Apr 03 - 12:27 PM
CarolC 03 Apr 03 - 01:34 PM
hesperis 15 Apr 03 - 01:20 PM
Little Hawk 15 Apr 03 - 02:01 PM
hesperis 01 May 03 - 11:39 PM
mg 02 May 03 - 08:04 PM
hesperis 15 May 03 - 04:21 PM
CarolC 15 May 03 - 08:28 PM
hesperis 20 May 03 - 03:43 AM
Doug_Remley 20 May 03 - 04:07 AM
Doug_Remley 20 May 03 - 04:10 AM
Amos 20 May 03 - 10:46 AM
hesperis 22 May 03 - 08:26 AM
hesperis 27 Jul 03 - 08:54 AM
hesperis 28 Jul 03 - 09:57 PM
wysiwyg 28 Jul 03 - 10:25 PM
Ebbie 28 Jul 03 - 11:41 PM
mg 29 Jul 03 - 12:46 AM
hesperis 29 Jul 03 - 04:44 PM
GUEST,mg 29 Jul 03 - 08:10 PM
wysiwyg 30 Jul 03 - 09:22 AM
hesperis 30 Jul 03 - 04:18 PM
mg 30 Jul 03 - 09:18 PM
harpgirl 31 Jul 03 - 01:09 PM
Marion 11 Aug 03 - 03:28 AM
hesperis 13 Aug 03 - 02:10 PM
mg 14 Aug 03 - 12:53 AM
Rick Fielding 16 Aug 03 - 10:49 PM
hesperis 17 Aug 03 - 02:19 AM
hesperis 07 Sep 03 - 11:03 AM
GUEST 07 Sep 03 - 04:44 PM
GUEST 07 Sep 03 - 04:46 PM
wysiwyg 07 Sep 03 - 05:20 PM
curmudgeon 07 Sep 03 - 06:27 PM
hesperis 08 Sep 03 - 08:52 AM
wysiwyg 08 Sep 03 - 09:26 AM
hesperis 08 Sep 03 - 12:50 PM
GUEST,zach 02 May 04 - 01:44 PM
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Subject: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: GUEST,Jande
Date: 04 Sep 02 - 12:13 PM

I just want to post the following URL, for people who don't realise how badly the allergies affect our Hesperis:

"Making Dreams Come True" --overcoming the obstacles

I know this to be true, because I myself have this disability, and have only just begun to be able to earn some of my own living, by working from home on the internet doing illustrations for an educational publisher. It has taken me half a century to get to this point, some parts of my life were sheer hell, because there was no recognition of the disability, and therefore no help, except from individuals who cared about me --the way we care about Hes.

She's come a long way. And a lot of that has been because we have been supporting her. Let's keep on supporting her in every way we can, those of us who do care about her. She has a gift to give the world and we can be part of that if we want to.

(No guilt trip here to those who either can't help, or have no interest in helping. That's your own business and no condemnation will come from me [or hopefully from anyone else].)

To Hesperis: How about Making us up some "Investment Certificates" so that when you are famous we can all point to the framed Certificates on the wall and say with overweening pride, "I helped her get where she is now!".

{{{{{{{{{HUGS to ALL}}}}}}}}}}}

~ Jande


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: Amos
Date: 04 Sep 02 - 12:19 PM

Well done, Jande!! Applause!!!

A


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: Jande
Date: 04 Sep 02 - 12:35 PM

Thanks Amos.

This is really important. I feel that Hes has been superhuman in her attempts to make her own way in the world on her own terms, and providing us with so much wonderful, music and wisdom. And she is gradually succeeding in spite of the roadblcoks, avalanches, swamps, and invisible enemies.

I received an email from her today, saying that not only has she been accepted into that College, but she has been able to have the tuition deferred until *after* she graduates. So now she needs help with specifics: food, rent, allergy treatments, texts, internet connection, etc.

I asked her to send me a list of specific needs. There are already some folks who help as much as they can, Bless them, and their support is welcomed and appreciated. (They know who they are.)

To invest in her future is an honour and a privilege. Even if we can only offer her moral support. (Hey, sometimes it's the moral support tha treally gets us over the wall, though money always helps, too.) :`)

~ Jande


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: Ianfe
Date: 04 Sep 02 - 12:56 PM

Yay for Hesperis!!!!


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: MMario
Date: 04 Sep 02 - 01:04 PM

Huzzah!


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: Amos
Date: 04 Sep 02 - 01:13 PM

Well, I think Little Hawk ought to run up there this weekend and marry her up. It would fix a lot!!! And she could write another Marryin' Song about it, after the fashion of Jack the Sailor and his newly affianced CarolC.

We could start a whole tradition here, folks, rolling down the centuries!! All that stands in the way is a little obstreperousness on Little Hawk's part!!

:>)

A


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: Bobert
Date: 04 Sep 02 - 01:26 PM

Well, you can sign me up though I have no plans to ever become famous, but one never knows...

Do I gotta learn a secret hand shake or anything? Just funnin'..

This stuff sounds like a real bummer. As I was reading the link I was thinking of just how much courage it must take to live with such a disability... and grow as a person under such adverse conditions.

I'd like to think that God is a partner in the struggle and makes the difference between giving up and growing...

Bless you and the person in the link...

Bobert


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: Amos
Date: 04 Sep 02 - 01:40 PM

Actually, maybe that wouldn't be such a good idea; apologies for buttin' in, I was just getting a little carried away. It's a fault I have, y'see. I don't think even fair Hes could displace Fatty Shatner in LH's heart!

A


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: Little Hawk
Date: 04 Sep 02 - 01:55 PM

Jande - Good thoughts, but I question the "when you are famous" bit. That is a chimera that has led more good people astray in this life than I would care to mention. I think the only famous people who remain at peace are those who come to realize that fame is itself quite meaningless.

The 99.999 % who don't become famous are usually miserable because they did not. The 0.0001 who do are often miserable because they did, and then found out that they were still not fulfilled...or secure...in spite of it. The same kind of thing tends to happen to people who win huge lottery prizes.

What fame amounts to is: pleasing other people. Their pleasure is usually rather fleeting...and very demanding. To continue pleasing them can become a full time job.

What does this have to do with knowing oneself? I believe that freedom is found through self-knowledge. Most people don't know themselves very well at all...they're too busy trying to manipulate and control what and whom they see around them. But can they control themselves? Usually not very well. If anyone truly knew himself/herself he would no longer be afraid of anything, and he would be in control, and free.

I'm making no claims of having achieved that, be assured. I don't claim to know myself all that well yet, but I know that if any freedom is to be found in this world it will be found within me, not in the conditions and people around me.

Fame is a grand illusion. It kills people while they're still young.

Amos - Well, sorry, but not a chance in THIS life. I would rather be dead than be married. Check for me again next incarnation when the game plan may be quite different from now. As for other people, if marriage suits them (and in many cases it definitely does), then for sure I hope they find the best partner destiny can provide for them. Any female who married me would have to be seriously out of touch with reality, and I'd have to be right out of my mind to let it happen in the first place. I treasure my autonomy and will not live in a cage, no matter how comfortably it is furnished.

- LH


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: Jande
Date: 04 Sep 02 - 02:15 PM

Bobert -- you wrote: "This stuff sounds like a real bummer. As I was reading the link I was thinking of just how much courage it must take to live with such a disability... and grow as a person under such adverse conditions. "

You are so right! More right than you realise

I forgot to say that the essay in that link was written by our Hesperis. That is the kind of thing she's up against.

~ Jande


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: Amergin
Date: 04 Sep 02 - 02:27 PM

well hell..i thought her dream was to come out here to portland and try her damnedest to seduce me....oh well....oh nevermind...that's my dream...best keep them to myself....

hes...I am glad to hear things are going good! you are an inspiration to those of us who feel helpless...maybe some day i will be able to get up and do things on my own terms....


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: hesperis
Date: 04 Sep 02 - 02:53 PM

Awwwww, guys! You're awesome, every one of you.

Is the certificates thing a good idea?

Are there any mudcatters or mudbusinesses who would like to buy sponsorship for any of my projects? (Music CD, Movie, College.) In exchange I can put an ad on each project's website, and a mention in the credits. Every little bit helps.

One note - I definitely don't want to be famous. I DO want to be rich, in all ways. I DO want to do the work I love and that I'm good at doing. And since the kind of work I love to do is in that goshdarn entertainment industry, I may have to deal with some amount of fame... hopefully nothing larger than what I want to deal with. (Or I'll go underground, muahaha.) I prefer to work behind the scenes, anyway, and with other talented people, so any fame that arrives won't just be for me.

Amos - LOL! That thread about our Jack and Carol would get ANYONE carried away! But Hawk is right, any woman who'd marry him would have to be seriously out of touch with reality, he's just not suited to that kind of life. It would be a cage for him, where for others... it would be a wonderful haven. Anyway, I've moved on and so has he, though we are still good friends. (And he's keeping my stuff in storage, so when I get an apartment again, I'll have my stuff back!!!)

Bobert - thanks. I do my best.

Jande - good cookie! Cookie back! Thanks for making the thread, I probably wouldn't have done so. "Superhuman"? *Blushes bright red* Ummm... nahh. Very human.

Amergin - Nice try. >;) But that is appreciated. *Hug*
And hey... what WOULD be things on your own terms?

And now... I'm off to conquer government loans.


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: Amos
Date: 04 Sep 02 - 03:07 PM

LH:

I respect your views, sir; but I would remind you of the tale of the cabdriver who boasted to his venerable customer that he had saved three minutes getting back from the airport. The passenger asked, "Well, now that you've saved them, what are you going to do with them?"

Autonomy, like time itself, is a priceless commodity, but it can be just as happily gained from close communication as from none. And if you make it too precious, it can backfire on you!

A


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: Jande
Date: 04 Sep 02 - 04:08 PM

Amos... Ho well I agree with you. I guess in my own words I would say that some people could take *anything* too seriously --to their own detriment.

LH: I know that you are one of those people who gives Hes an enormous amount of support (even when she is in the irrational grips of the allergies!)You've been generosity itself. I know how much you care about her.

Your response to this thread was quite revealing about your own struggles to free your wonderful talent and music into the world.

I was trying to paint a funny and wry picture of all of us in a cartoon-type setting and "exaggerating for effect", when I talked about Hes becoming famous.

What I meant was: we, who support those who are more vulnerable than ourselves, play a part in their achievement of their dreams, and therefore "own" part of the reality of that manifested dream. We are in it together, even though the "Dreamer" does the real creative work, we are a team that supports that creation, and in a way are "Creating together".

I'm often reminded of Frodo bent to the ground by the weight of the Ring as he carries out the responsibility and the limitations it has thrust upon him. Then Sam, who loves him, picks up Frodo, Ring and all, and carries him. And is surprised at how light a burden he is.

MMario, Ianfe, Amos, Amergin... thanks for responding with such warmth and enthusiasm.

Amos... I have just finished weeping joyously over the thread that inspired your rather... rash... statement to LH. LOL. I'm glad you got a chance to retract before the bomb fell on you!

I was thinking these "Investment Certificates" could be purchased by Hes's friends to help cover the costs of her education and living expenses.

I have $95 Canadian left in my bank account, Hes. Once you get your Student loans together, it's yours. Personally I would co-sign for a loan for you, but I don't have the kind of steady income-type job that would satisfy a bank manager either. (Unless they would take two fairly good computers as collateral... ) ;`)

Good luck! (and to Amergin, too!)

~ Jande


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: Jande
Date: 04 Sep 02 - 04:13 PM

Oh, and Hes... See what the local Women's Centres can do for you if anything...?

Practical! We need practical. Get us that list of what you need, too. Be VERY specific.

~ Jande


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: Amos
Date: 04 Sep 02 - 04:17 PM

Well, I apologize again to both of -- no-one tells me anything around here!! But, Hes, y'know we all love ya and want you to have all your dreams come true, step by step. As fast as you can handle it!!


Very best,


A


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: Little Hawk
Date: 04 Sep 02 - 04:47 PM

Wise words, Amos. I agree. I usually don't hurry myself when going somewhere (specially on the highway), and I would have to say that those who do create a lot of danger and hassle for themselves and others and gain nothing by the time they have supposedly saved.

I like close communication, but with a variety of people. The kind of situation that seems to suit me best is to live in an extended community (like 20 to 50 people, let's say) which has a shared purpose and shared ideals of some kind that make sense to me...a sort of tribal existence, I guess you would call it. It's not easy finding a group whose purposes closely match my own, however. That is to say, most churches, businesses, ashrams, clubs, and other cooperative outfits are off on some path that may have little to do with where I want to go...or may simply be too exclusive in its focus (that's the main problem with most spiritual groups...they've got the "our way is the ONLY way...or at least it's the BEST way" complex).

I also find that there are many situations in life that are fascinating and rewarding...for awhile...but not permanent.

People have got this idea that marriage is supposed to be permanent. Well, if you want to raise children, yes, that is a pretty permanent committment, but I can't see doing that myself. There are enough other people doing it that I don't think we're in danger of depopulating the planet if I opt out... :-)

I haven't been in one single situation in my life yet that I can look back at now and say it was meant to be permanent. Things keep changing all the time, is what I find. This life itself is not even permanent...nor is the one which follows it. For all I know, this planet is probably not even permanent.

I know one thing...as soon as you start trying to make something last forever it starts to slip away from you. Most people's reaction to that is to grab hold and hang on to it by any means possible! That has made a lot of lawyers and hair dye companies rich, and resulted in some wars, murders, and other nasty situations.

If you can experience and bring out the very best out of any situation...and then know when its natural time is over and move on to the next one with a free heart and mind...well, then, you are living a free, and I'd say a harmless existence.

I have clung to various things too BTW, and it never served well when I did.

As for close communication, it's great. Life without it becomes pretty sterile pretty fast. I'm always on the lookout for people with whom I can actually communicate on a real basis, believe me, and I'm glad when I find them. The people who communicate best are those who recognize that there is not just one way, but an infinite number of ways to climb the mountain. There's a different way for each person, in fact.

The essence of life is Freedom. The common tendency of people is to restrict freedom. And they do that because they are afraid. The Tao is totally free. It sets no rules. This really scares people, and they set about making a million rules right away to make life "safe", but there are no rules. Marriage was one of those rules. In a truly harmonious community it would not be necessary to have that rule because everyone would just naturally help everyone else. Everyone would also help raise the kids. People in general are scared though, specially of strangers, so they don't help each other very much. They then must set up structures like police, schools, and ambulances to help the people that they are themselves unwilling to help. It's a lousy substitute for a true community. You realize this when someone holds you up on a street and NO ONE comes to your assistance. (These things also happen because we have created a terribly complex society full of artificial complications, but that's another whole subject.)

The question is...where do you want to be? If you want to be in a harmonious place, then disharmony will not get you there, obviously. The Tao always finds a harmonious path, and that's what people do too, if they are wise. If not, they try to force a path by aggressive means. They then make up some justification for it and venerate the use of force in their books, movies, and other entertainment.

That's what you generally see. Harmoney is barely even noticed in this society. It's too quiet to be noticed by minds educated on noise, excess, wealth alongside poverty, violence, and extremely negative behaviour of almost every kind.

Well, talk about thread drift, eh? Sorry about that! :-) I shall give it a rest and go and see if the hamster has been watered, and if the budgies have read that latest issue of the Star that's on the floor of their cage...

- LH


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: Irish sergeant
Date: 04 Sep 02 - 05:10 PM

Well done Hes! How ias the writing going? Keep at it, Kiddo! Hugs, Neil


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: hesperis
Date: 05 Sep 02 - 11:30 PM

Everyone has their own path. Sometimes we get to walk with others, sometimes that lasts, sometimes not.

Anyway, today I applied for government loans and for financial aid from the school! So tuition is probably taken care of. Tomorrow I have an appointment with the housing co-ordinator... the school doesn't have student housing, but will help find something. Also tomorrow I'll find out what books I need.

I will definitely check out what help I can get from women's groups and youth groups. I also need a pet-free place to stay for a couple of days so I can take an allergy treatment, so I can do a job for a friend that I already said I'd do. (Since I owe them $200 for last month's rent I kinda HAVE to do it, as well.)

Making a list of what I need tonight... will add the book list when I get it and post here.

Neil - writing is going great! (Though that's not Goddess Quest, it is a very awesome story.)


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: Amos
Date: 06 Sep 02 - 12:05 AM

Gee guys, three cheers for clarity and purpose!

LH, what people call permanence is of course not permanence at all; it is simply the endless re-creation and renewal of an honest fidelity and a transcendant affinity between two souls.

. This is a different thing than trying to freeze-frame a situation. Those who have built groups, families, or couple which really last have done so by understanding that it is the on-going new recreation that does it; the minutethat stops, all bets are off and entropy is loose upon the landsacape of the heart.

However there are far more people around who don't see things that way and would love to pursue a stuck image of how it should be in a sorta fixated way and I can easily see how you would be leery . In any case it is your affair, mon vieux, and I wish you great happiness at it. Oh, and thank you very much for the exposition. :>)

A


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: hesperis
Date: 07 Sep 02 - 09:21 PM

Book list comes out on Oct. 7th, a week before classes start, because the college wants the course to be very current. Yikes... not much time to start finding alternate sources for the books.

I got an older book list, but there's no guarantee those are going to be used for the course.

Stuff I need... list coming soon.

However, I got a small computer job to do for a friend, so that's good.


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: Little Hawk
Date: 07 Sep 02 - 09:48 PM

Hesperis - sounds like you are moving along pretty well there. Good going!

Amos - "the endless re-creation and renewal of an honest fidelity and a transcendant affinity between two souls."

Wow. Hmmmmm. Gotta think about that. I was utterly convinced as a young kid that that was in fact what life was about... Several decades later, I'm not so sure. I will keep mulling it over, though.

- LH


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: CarolC
Date: 07 Sep 02 - 11:05 PM

hesperis, I wish there was some kind of help I could give you at this time other than my moral support. But I think you know that you at least have that.

Since I know what you're up against with the allergies, I won't give you any cliches about what you can do if you try hard enough. But I do believe you wouldn't have been blessed with the gifts and abilities you have if you weren't meant to use them for the benefit of yourself and others.

At any rate, it sounds like you're making significant progress toward realizing at least some of your goals. So congratulations about that! And good luck with the rest of it. Don't forget... I want to buy a copy of your amazing CD when you have it ready for sale :-)


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: hesperis
Date: 08 Sep 02 - 01:10 AM

Hmmm... thanks for the reminder, Carol!

I'm actually accepting pre-sales right now. That will help me to actually produce the CDs, and eat well while I get it fully recorded! (Always good.)

The friends I will be doing computer work for HAVE A MIDI KEYBOARD!!! So while I'm waiting ten minutes for some program to load, I can work on my projects too. That's the plan, anyway. I've been finding that this tiny keyboard I have just does not do the job well, and it's too far beyond tedious for me to try to fix the errors that I make because the thing's too small for my hands and has only enough octaves to play ONE hand in at a time... ARRRRRRRRGGGGHHH!!!!!

So, progress will be much better with a full keyboard. And on October 14th, I have access to a full-featured recording studio. >;)


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: Amos
Date: 08 Sep 02 - 01:42 AM

LH:

Well, what life is really all about, is water in and water out. And temperature control between around 96.0 and 99.3 F.

But the endlessa recrwation of transcendant affinity, etc., keeps the spiritual side interesting and worth while in between flushes.

Hang in there, pal!


A


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: Little Hawk
Date: 08 Sep 02 - 01:01 PM

Ha! That reminds me...I've gotta drink more water. (Glug!)

- LH


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: hesperis
Date: 08 Sep 02 - 10:49 PM

Most of us simply are better people when there's other people around.

Anyway, I have to tell you about the movie project. I just sent off this email...

----------

Hello!

I'm emailing each of you because you have indicated some interest in this film, which started life as a multi-author fiction written over the internet.

The website and forums are up, and more content is added every day. Please let your friends know about it!

The script is almost at a solid first draft stage. When Damia and I are done the adaptation, we'll be holding a script-reading party, and you're invited. You can expect the party in late September, early October. (Refreshments will be provided.) If you are going to be in Toronto at that time, please let me know which day of the week would be best for you.

Filming is estimated to start in April. At this time we do not have any estimate of filming time or costs, as we are concentrating on finishing the script. We are gathering a team of volunteers together for costumes, camera work, CGA, fundraising, etc.

Your advice, help, and support is definitely appreciated.

Best, Chagall (AKA Brassfire)

~*~*~*~ Herocia - Fantasy Film Project http://membres.lycos.fr/herocia

----------

This project is so amazing. We've had the weirdest co-incidences. Like, walking in a forest near Damia's house, and finding an old building that looks exactly as we both pictured the Hall. Like, running into people in the oddest places who *are* the characters that some person in another country created. Honestly, it's been SPOOKY!

And wait until you guys get to read some of it!!!


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: hesperis
Date: 13 Sep 02 - 03:04 PM

Feeling very discouraged about the college thing. And a little stupid for signing up for it in the first place. I'm supposed to be finding a way to support myself and my projects, not taking on yet another project that I can't support.

Read.


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: Amergin
Date: 13 Sep 02 - 03:11 PM

fail? you are what 23? very lovely, too....you are very intelligent....and you are very talented...and you have strength...you have strength to try....and the heart to care....they both show up in your writings...and in your posts....stupid? lol...that is a laugh...cause you are not....

take care...if you need an ear...let me know...i am just a pm away.


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: Amos
Date: 13 Sep 02 - 03:12 PM

Hes:

The reasons you were viewing at the time all looked very intelligent and valid. If they now seem impossible and stupid, it may be because you have slipped away from the original viewpoint in favor of someone else's.

This makes havoc out of making decisions and getting where you want to go because you can always dfrop into the perspective of someone highly critical of you and stop the whole plan.

Only one of the various points of view is your own genuine view of things.

The others are what makes for all the hellacious confusion.

Just my tuppence worth, FWIW.

A


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: GUEST,mg
Date: 13 Sep 02 - 03:24 PM

Don't give up your dreams. But realize you don't have to accomplish them all this minute. You have time on your side. Just maybe look for a half time job that is not too demanding that will allow you to pay for rent and food. Then if this college doesn't work out for financial reasons, look to your nearest community college and get financial aid. There have got to be some great ones in Toronto with media studies.

mg


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: Little Hawk
Date: 13 Sep 02 - 03:47 PM

Yes, the fact is, a dream may not be possible at the moment. It may be necessary to do other things first, and secure the dream later...even much later. But I did say..."maybe"...I don't know all the factors. Only the person who has the dream is in a real position to decide when and what to do.

- LH


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: CarolC
Date: 13 Sep 02 - 04:29 PM

This is something I find I need to say to myself sometimes when I get bogged down with self-doubts and discouragement...

I release all concepts of limitation
I release all concepts of limitation
I release all concepts of limitation

("I release all concepts of scarcity" is also a good one for me during times like what you're experiencing right now.)

I read what you posted to your site. Is there any possibility that you have unresolved issues about your father that are holding you back and that need to be released before you can make any further progress?


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: hesperis
Date: 13 Sep 02 - 10:07 PM

Storm before the calm: GOT A JOB!


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: Amergin
Date: 13 Sep 02 - 10:10 PM

DB Error: getArticles: 1064: You have an error in your SQL syntax near '\"' at line 23?????

Interesting job, Hes....BG...


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: Amos
Date: 13 Sep 02 - 10:38 PM

If fixing that kind of stuff is the job, you've got interesting times ahead, and i hope they pay you well for it!!

SQL can be a bear sometimes, especially on Oracle.

A


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: hesperis
Date: 14 Sep 02 - 12:05 AM

LOL!

Ok, try just going to the main site... I have no clue why it's letting the main page call it, but not the articles page. Maybe it doesn't like the exclamation... but then why would it show it on the main page? Or there's something wrong in the extended article field.

*Shrug*

Will fix. Soon.


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: Jack the Sailor
Date: 14 Sep 02 - 02:31 PM

That's great, hesperis! Keep us posted on how it goes, ok?

Could you send me a PM with snail mail addresses for you and Jande so I can send you guys some invitations? Thanks!


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: CarolC
Date: 14 Sep 02 - 02:32 PM

Oops! That last one was from me. Sorry about that!


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: hesperis
Date: 14 Sep 02 - 05:38 PM

Added a need/want/wish list. The job will pretty much cover this month, last month, and next month for rent, but that is definitely something great, and will be good on the resume, too.

Will do, Carol. Email and PM about to be sent. Gosh, I hope I can come! Jande and her guy will probably make it there, and I'll definitely send hugs with Jande if she does.


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: hesperis
Date: 18 Sep 02 - 12:17 PM

Started period, can't get allergy treatment while on period, can't start job yet. Out of money for food, a friend says he'll help out - again.

This one friend has done a lot for me, though he has his own problems. I am really thankful that he wants to see me well off enough that he's helping out even when it isn't convenient. I just wish it wasn't just him, then I wouldn't be such a burden.

Anyway... :(


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: wysiwyg
Date: 18 Sep 02 - 11:39 PM

Hess, if you start a list of things that are going well/that you are grateful for/that you are accomplishing, it may net you more blessings.

Anyway here's a lap-hug:

((((((((YOU)))))))))

~Susan


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: hesperis
Date: 20 Sep 02 - 01:20 AM

A lot of great things have happened, and I know a ton of fabulous people. I'm definitely aware of the many wonderful things that I am thankful for.

But if you guys want to see a list... I'll make one.


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: katlaughing
Date: 20 Sep 02 - 03:19 AM

That would be good, Hesperis, but I think you'll find it will have more of a benefit for yourself. I know the circumstances you are in are real and difficult, but some times when we are in that for so long we get into what my friend calls a "victimhead" and we begin to think that it is so tough things just keep piling up and we will never reach our goals, the ol' "it's one thing after another." A loss of control. I am not saying this is you, personally, just a general observation.

There are some good books about it, including anything by Louise Hay in which she teaches how to focus on being full of thankfulness and watch what follows with the upliftment of thinking. First Nations peoples often teach this coming from a place of gratitude and start their day with a thankfulness prayer or meditation.

My brother is in his 60's and has spent his life as a brilliant pianist/composer, but he has also felt as though he is the victim of everything and everyone around him, including circumstances. At this late date, I don't know if he will ever be able to change and see that his *thinking* and negative words have had a profound effect on his life. I use him an extreme example of what can happen if one looses balance of the negative and positive in their lives. Throughout this he has given up complete responsibility for his life and is now completely bewildered to find himself in extreme straits, when it was his decisions or lack thereof which brought him to this point.

IMO, our subconciousness is like a computer. It takes in everything and anything which we feed it, without discernment, no judgement as to what is good for us or otherwise. So, imo, it is important to input data which sees the glass half full rather than half empty, etc.:-)

Meaning no offence and hope this helps,

kat


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: wysiwyg
Date: 20 Sep 02 - 03:58 PM

Yup. What she said.

~Susan


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: hesperis
Date: 22 Sep 02 - 01:18 AM

Believe me, I know it's half full.


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: Jande
Date: 25 Sep 02 - 11:28 AM

When in the grips of certain allergic responses, one can't even *think* clearly, which is part of the problem.

If you have people around you who are aware of the problem and can offer sympathy and simply help you get through the worst part of the allergy season, it is a blessing indeed.

When you live with the handicap of having so many allergies, believe me you learn to be grateful! Grateful to still be alive. Grateful to be able to create. Grateful for faithful and sympathetic friends. Grateful for SNOW (that kills the ragweed pollen!). Grateful for antihistimine caplets, and for the days when you don't have to take two every four hours just so you can breath or speak or stop yourself from wanting to scratch your own skin off or tear your itching eyes out by the roots. Grateful that you can still sing a few notes now and then, and really grateful that you learned to play an instrument for when your voice goes entirely. Grateful to be alive after a really bad episode where you've eaten something that causes anaphilactic(sp)response, or personality changes, because you forgot to ask what it was made of...

Yes, you learn to be Grateful for that half-full glass of Life. But you don't want to settle for it. So you keep burning up every scrap of energy to try and break out of it.

Sometimes though, the energy runs out. It's hard to keep a roaring fire going when all there is to feed it is scraps of scrounged kindling wood. That's when the dispair settles in, and the grief and anger at the situation. Often a good howl will dispell the bitterness born of grief and anger most effectively. Wash it away in a raging flood of tears.

But you don't get anywhere trying to create beauty and soul on top of quicksand. Everything you do gets sucked down into the swamp.

I speak from experience. Even people who have steady jobs and good health still have problems. But they don't fall into soul-searing dispair because they have been able to build on firmer ground.

I don't want to see your gifts sucked into the quicksand, Hes! Please put as much time and effort as you can into getting a roof over your head, and healthy food in your belly --at least balance the time/energy you have so that your physical needs AND your creative efforts get equal attention from you.

Go to Legal Aid, please, and see about that business about student loans vs. welfare. I'd really hate to see you lose the opportunity that you created for yourself with that College.

With James supporting two households on his income we haven't any spare cash to send to help out (though as you know I will send along any that I find laying about) :`) , but I will try very hard to get my own music to you to add to your Music CD sales. And James has written (and sings beautifully!) five or six blues songs now, and we are planning to add them to a Duet CD. This too you can market for us if you will.

As soon as you have established a *settled* place I will loan my electric piano to you. It has no case and right now I worry about it being moved hither and yon.

This next art contract is giving me more time to devote to the music (though is going to earn me less money over all this time) so hang in there and we'll see what we can all do together to help overcome the handicaps you are facing.

Hopefully, the climb out won't take you the number of decades it has taken me. You may not have family, but you have friends --people who care about you.

Some people think love is just a feeling, and feelings come and go like whims. But Love is a *verb*. Love is what we _do_ --for ourselves and others!

Keep us posted about exactly *what* you are doing to look after your physical needs. And what you still need help with. Okay?

~ Jande


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: hesperis
Date: 25 Sep 02 - 08:54 PM

Thanks, Jande...

I've been really despairing today, and that hit just the right spot. Though I still feel sick with the enormity of what needs to be done.

People tell me to get a job, any job.

When I was in Burlington, I searched for 6 months for "any job" and didn't get one. I'm not suited to that work. Maybe I cope too well with not being able to see properly. Maybe I cope too well with being tired all the time, and needing more sleep than normal. Maybe I look too normal, and walk as if I can see, when I can't even read the street signs if I'm not directly underneath them.

Today, on my way back from the place I stayed last night, I missed 4 streetcars. I missed the first 2 because I didn't see that the stop said "sunday stop" until they'd gone by. I missed the second one because I was between stops and didn't see it coming. I missed the last one because I was between stops and was getting close to bathurst, and didn't want to pay $2.25 by then to just go between bathurst and spadina. So I walked all the way from near landsdowne. (5 city blocks, which is huge.)

But I'm thankful, very thankful, for the person who let me stay in her home last night so that I could have a successful allergy treatment. And I'm thankful to the person who got me that treatment, and who cleaned his car so that no trace of pets would be left in it, and who drove me to the clean house where I would be able to stay.

I am no longer allergic to pets. The treatment worked. So I can go do the job I need to do to pay off my rent for the last couple of months.

Thank you, Little Hawk.


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: wysiwyg
Date: 25 Sep 02 - 11:13 PM

Hesperis,

What I am hearing here is the feeling "but you don't GET how hard this IS..."

What I am trying to say to you, sweetie, is that I DO know how hard it is, because I've lived through and AM OVERCOMING challenges equal to yours. That it CAN be done, you ARE doing it, you WILL do it, and... that there are a few tricks to doing it that I can share with you, if in your own perfectly-excellent thinking they seem applicable to your situation.

The fact that I have lived through and am overcoming things is one reason we were able to offer any help from here. You watch, before you know it you will be one of the people helping people caught in what seems like an unwinnable fight.

I know you are grateful. I'm suggesting you resist the urge to pay attention to the despair-- who needs steenkin' despair????-- and keep yourself in that gratitude mode... not gratitude to individuals, but gratitude to the universe that each day holds so many blessings you can't count them all. THEN you can build from strength to strength, instead of clawing your way out of crash after crash.

Venting while fixed on good news is just more productive than hollering "ouch," as a means of using venting effectively.

~Susan


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: mg
Date: 26 Sep 02 - 01:07 AM

I am worried about your trying to do too much when you have these multiple health challenges. Can you get help through the Canada Health system? Allergy care? Vision care? Dental care? Is there a social worker that you can hook up with? Starting a demanding series of classes, taking on substantial debt and doing other self-imposed projects while your body is begging for rest and repair might be doing too much. Can you take care of your health, earn just enough money, and maybe take one class a quarter to get into the swing of it? It doesn't pay to drive your body past what it can do at the present time.....mg


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: GUEST,cookieless hesperis
Date: 26 Sep 02 - 11:42 AM

Reporting from work... scanning slides into the computer, ten minutes between each slide for whatever I want to do. ;)

Susan - I know you've been through it. I'm just really despairing right now because I don't know where I'll be living in two weeks. It's just stress, I've moved too many times this year already. 29 times in 23 years, and no end in sight. I've been looking for apartments and can't find anything yet. Not that I can afford $600 a month in rent anyway, whether I'm working or not. Which means women's shelters, and I probably can't take my computer with me to those... which means I wouldn't be able to work on either projects or schoolwork. So... the housing/work situation looks very bleak two weeks from now. I just don't know...

I've also been doing not much else but crying for the past two weeks, because I didn't want to leave the place I was staying. I'm really missing those people. Ok, I *was* emailing people looking for a place to stay or people to share with and looking for an apartment. And doing work for Hero6.

Mary - Health care doesn't cover alternative treatment, or alternative dental work. (I have high levels of mercury as it is, and am allergic to that, too.) Health care does cover the cost of going to an optometrist for a prescription, but does not cover filling the prescription with glasses.

If I go to welfare for help, or to legal aid for help getting welfare, it would be better to do that after actually getting the loans. I have to get ID and photo ID to get the loans, and I spent that money on food, because I couldn't bear stealing food from my roommates any longer. (I paid them back.)

I am currently in a job and inelegible for welfare, even though the job is only going to last about a week, and get me about $600 (hey, that's $80 more than the maximum welfare for the month). So I get ID and pay off $400 in debt as soon as I get that, then get the loans, then apply for welfare. (I've applied for the loans and have four weeks to get the supporting documentation.)

If I had applied for welfare before, I would have been kicked off as soon as I got the loan, so I'd be in the same situation, except that this way I can actually do some work to help people out AND get money.

People need to be needed, too. Maybe that's why I love Hero6 so much... because of me, the team KNOWS that we're 40% final on the music, and we KNOW what needs to be done to get even further.

I'm not needed flipping burgers or doing counter work, I'd need to be able to see, I'd need to be steady in energy rather than fluctuating depending on circumstances I can't control, and with that type of work I can't simply roll out of bed into a chair, toss a blanket over myself and work WHILE I'm sick.

So... I need to get this CD done and get some help about marketing it. Because I can actually do that, just add receiving money for it.


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: mg
Date: 26 Sep 02 - 12:41 PM

I must admit I am trying to follow this and I am confused. What are the loans for? (You can bc me with this or just not answer as it is so personal). School? If you feel you can't work, how can you go to school in probably a fast-paced situation? Go to a regular doctor if you can't get an alternative one. Get your eyes checked and get a prescription. These loans don't sound like a good idea to me. Is there someone here who is a financial counselor who could give you input? From where I sit, it looks like going on welfare, eating as well as you can, resting a lot, and finishing your cd with your limited energy might be the best situation. You obviously won't be able to afford an apartment; probably have to rent a room for now. It's a not great situation, but it looks to me like you are turning down some options that can help you recover healthwise.

mg


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: wysiwyg
Date: 26 Sep 02 - 12:49 PM

Hess, I see how the plans all link together. But on a day to day basis, if you focus firmly on what you can actually do that day, and on all the good things surrounding you, the rest of the pieces will come together. For example, if the day comes that what you can do that day is move to the shelter, then you will also find a way to keep using a computer to do everything else that you can do.

It is very hard, I know, to keep making long range plans and working toward them, AND live one day at a time. My experience has been that when the long range plan and the one-day-at-a-time don't mesh, and result in more stress instead of more solutions, then the person may not yet be on the right mission they are called to be on. Sometimes that mission changes when we are not looking. Needing to be needed, and being called to be needed, may not be the same thing. So if pursuit of the longer plan makes the daily function go down and down, something is wrong with that picture somewhere.

If on the other hand you find (logically and dispassionately) that the daily function IS going in an upward direction, but just FEELS like death, then what is needed is probably more silent laptime. The tears may not be the problem-- the lack of a safe lap to shed them, and a hand drawing your attention back into the good things in present time afterwards, may be what's actually missing here.

When I have counseled on (as counselor and as client) chronic deep physical distress, the most important resource has been the frequent opportunity just to be held gently in a collapsed postion, belly to belly like a newborn should be draped over the curve of the mother's belly, and allowed to let go for a break from the need to keep thinking, solving, surviving. A place to say, "OK, I am not going to fight to be alive, for the next ten minutes, and YOU are in chage of the whole UNIVERSE for that long. Stand guard for me!" Tears, laughter, and a healing sort of yawning follow in short order. That's been more useful to me, because that lap has been there, than anything else. More valuable than my amazing persistence, more valuable than my incredible intelligence and limitless creativity in the face of despair, more valuable than all the help I got-- because what it gave me was more mental slack to live in the world each day.

Do you have a lap like that at your disposal, or can you put anyone in touch with me who I can teach how to give that kind of lap?

~Susan


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: CarolC
Date: 26 Sep 02 - 01:04 PM

((((((((((((((((((Big Hugs, hesperis)))))))))))))))))


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: GUEST,cookieless hesperis
Date: 26 Sep 02 - 02:29 PM

Mary - I am worried about being able to handle school, however the course I've chosen includes a lot of work I can do on my own, and it will give me the practical training I need to make all my projects actually happen.

Susan - yeah, it is getting better, just doesn't feel that way because I'm worrying about where I'm staying again. And you are right, I'd figure some way of access to my computer. *g*

I could definitely use hugs. Real ones.

I guess it's because I felt like I fit in at the apartment, even though the others smoke and watch movies all the time and have parties and I'm not into that stuff. I could contribute there, not so much in money, but in other things (none of them is much for housework and I'm much better trained after Burlington, and I was providing everyone with internet access without asking them to pay a share of it).

I've never really fit in with other people so well, and now I have to leave, not because they want me to, or because I want to, but because one of their parents is the landlord and he decided that he didn't want me there. (After talking to me for a total of 5 seconds in person, basically "hi" and "nice to meet you" and "goodbye", he thinks I'm "taking advantage" of his daughter's generosity. Riiiiiight...) It's not ideal, but I sort-of belonged... for once...


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: GUEST,mg
Date: 26 Sep 02 - 02:48 PM

Back to the apartment situation: Could you put in writing to the landlord father that you are not imposing, but the agreement was that you would do the cooking and some of the housekeeping in exchange for rent. That you do not drink, smoke or party (assuming these are true)and that the roommates appreciated your presence and it was for a defined period of time, say one year. Then get daughter and roommates to back you up. Seems like father landlord would want a good influence on his daughter.


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: GUEST,mg
Date: 26 Sep 02 - 06:13 PM

check this out..http://sms.humberc.on.ca/main.htm

biggest media school in Canada and I think I saw something that said $1400/year, plus probably lots of financial aid, work study, and support services. For a Plan B or C perhaps. mg


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: mg
Date: 27 Sep 02 - 12:26 AM

read up on leaky gut syndrome...maybe starting here: http://www.health-n-energy.com/ronagut.htm

Something is underlying these multiple health problems and maybe it is leaky gut. If you have IBS, seriously consider it. Read up on coconut milk and oil and health benefits thereof, especially for IBS and yeast problems. mg


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: GUEST,cookieless hesperis
Date: 27 Sep 02 - 01:35 PM

Thanks Mary.

The landlord is the type of person who doesn't change his mind once he's made it up, and he's threatened to evict everyone (EVERYONE) if I stay there or go back there. The others are terrified of him, and I really don't think he's the type of person who would even listen once he's made up his mind. (Which he made up in the first week of my arrival, before even meeting me.)

Other colleges may be an option, however I did a lot of research prior to choosing a college and this program is definitely what I need in terms of education. If I don't go there I would be better off to study on my own, basically.

Now, for the leaky gut stuff.

"To reverse the leaky gut syndrome the diet must be completely changed to one which is as hypoallergenic as possible. Sugar, white flour products, all gluten containing grains (especially wheat, barley, oats and rye), milk and dairy products, high fat foods, caffeine products, alcohol and hidden food allergies determined by testing must all be eliminated for long periods of time (several years in the more severe cases).

Leaky gut syndrome patients can help themselves by chewing their food more thoroughly, following the basic rules of food combining, eating frequent small meals rather than three large ones and taking more time with their meals. Gastrointestinal function can be improved with a juice fast or a hypoallergenic diet and supplements like lactobacillus acidophilus and bifidus as well as FOS (fructooligosaccharides) derived from Jerusalem artichoke, chicory, the dahlia plant or burdock root.

Beneficial supplements for leaky gut syndrome:

Natural digestive enzymes - from plant (e.g. bromelain, papain) or pancreatic animal tissues (porcine, bovine, lamb) and aloe vera juice with high MPS concentration (good brands are International Aloe, Earthnet and Royal); stomach enhancing supplements- betain and pepsin, glutamic acid, stomach bitters, apple cider vinegar; amino acids - L-glutamine, N-acetyl-glucosamine (NAG) essential fatty acids - milled flax, flax seed oil, evening primrose oil, borage oil, olive oil, fish oil, black current seed oil; soluble fiber - pysillium seed husks and powder, apple and citrus pectin, the rice derived gamma oryzanol; antioxidants- carotenoids, B complex. vitamin C, E, zinc, selenium, germanium, coenzyme Q10, bioflavinoids, especially quercetin, catechin, hesperidin, rutin and proanthocyanidins (pycnogonals, grape seed extract, pine bark extract, bilberry; herbs and plant extracts - kudzu, various high chlorophyll containing green drinks like spirulina, chlorella and blue-green algae, burdock, slippery elm, Turkish rhubarb, sheep sorrel, licorice root, ginger root, goldenseal, bismuth and bentonite. Combination Green Foods - two excellent products are Green Life (bioquest) and Greens+ (Supplement Plus)."

Before receiving the allergy treatments that I had last year, I was actually allergic to basic nutrients such as protein, vitamin c, b vitamins, vitamin a, iron, calcium, minerals, oils, and a whole ton of other stuff. I'm still allergic to a whole ton of other stuff, but have noticed a marked improvement since the treatment.

I am still allergic to such supplements as green foods because they contain pollen. Since the treatment for leaky gut suggests eliminating foods one is allergic to, it would be better to eliminate the allergies which are present and which are the most obvious cause of not assimilating nutrients. Then hopefully such things as indigestion would not be as much of a problem, since the body's systems would have the nutrients available for repair work. I always chew my food very thoroughly, and prefer a more nutritious diet rather than junk, but it wasn't until I was no longer allergic to iron and calcium that I began actually absorbing iron and calcium from the food I ate.

A leaky gut somewhat explains food allergies, but it does not explain contact allergies, where if you so much as touch the substance you have a reaction. If people were in the habit of eating pet hair and pollen and poison ivy it would make more sense.

Now that I am no longer allergic to certain nutrients I have noticed improvements in many areas. So I think it is indeed allergies that are at the root cause of all these symptoms.


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: hesperis
Date: 29 Sep 02 - 03:19 AM

Just posted something important at my site.


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: Little Hawk
Date: 29 Sep 02 - 02:01 PM

Okay, I read it...

I have always wondered about that whole thing too, where various famous people say to "follow your dream" no matter what, and you will get there. Well, they did, but does that mean that everyone will? My father never quit following his dream, and it has led fairly much to a lifetime of business failures in his chosen field, and cost various other people a lot of time and money. In other words, he's been beating his head fruitlessly against a wall for about 80 years, seeking fame and fortune. I can think of other people I know who have done that too, and caused great grief to themselves and others in the process.

It's a puzzler. Are the famous people who give this gungho advice absolutely right...or are they just exceptional people in the first place, who were in the right place at the right time?

I don't know.

One thing though, I always have to admire people who have that kind of focused motivation...it's way better than having no motivation at all, that's for sure.

- LH


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: wysiwyg
Date: 29 Sep 02 - 08:21 PM

Focus without foundation is failure as much as foundation without focus is failure. There are a lot of things in my life right now that I "always wanted to do;" now I can see that no matter how desperately I wanted them, none of them could happen till I had the foundation built (including giving up urgency and struggle as a way of being). I went pretty fast and broke quite a few eggs, but I will turn 50 this spring and just now can I see that I AM doing what I always wanted to do, PLUS I have a full life to go with it.

Our society lies. It tells our young people that we are entitled to have thing be as we wish, and that things we want can come instantly. In fact we MAY have things as we wish IF we do the things that bring them about, including building a platform upon which they can be sustained. But this is cause and effect, not the fulfillment of a right. And nothing actually happens instantly. There are always invisible parts of the process that take lots and lots of time.

What we CAN do is choose to be well and pursue wellness, choose to be positive in any moment that invites us to be otherwise, and choose whether to move forward in actuality, or to hope and think we are moving forward while actually staying stuck, slipping backwards, or hopping back and forth.

The successful human beings I have known and chosen as role models have known that, lived it, and insisted on it while I raged against it.

~Susan


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: Little Hawk
Date: 29 Sep 02 - 10:17 PM

Well, that pretty much hits the nail on the head, Susan. Agreed.

- LH


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: katlaughing
Date: 29 Sep 02 - 10:35 PM

Well put, Susan. Some may also put it that what we think we really want, i.e. our dream, may not be, at any given point, that which is for our highest good. There is great power in giving up/releasing and going about something else. That something else sometimes becomes the foundation you speak of, but this isn't obvious to us at the time.

One person I know likened it to planting seeds. If the soil was fertile, they would keep up with the tending, even if it needed a bit of rough hoeing once in awhile, etc. If, no matter what they did, nothing seemed to work, they'd move on to a new patch, so to speak.

I don't believe there is any one specific route to a dream, the world is infinite. I do believe it is important not to try to force anything and to give thanks for "this (whatever we are trying to achieve/manifest) or something better for the highest good of all concerned." FWIW

I didn't really explain the subconscious/computer thing very well. What I meant was our subconscious cannot tell the difference between what is good for us and what may be harmful. We feed it data as we might a computer and it sets to work at manifesting whatever we've fed it. It is up to us to focus and imput as much positive as possible, while still recognising the things which may seem wrong and working on improving them as well as we are able.

kat


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: wysiwyg
Date: 29 Sep 02 - 11:04 PM

I think it's important to remember (we gray-hairs) that it's only from living through much struggle of the magnitude Hess describes that we've gotten to a place where we can do two valuable things extremely well:

1. Remind people that relaxing is sometimes even more important than struggling

2. Stay relaxed while someone has the rant, venting, and rage that naturally follow being reminded to relax. :~*)

I have saluted our Hesperis from the start for being clear that she needed a safe place to rant-- the first threads on this run of "how's-Hesperis-doing" were titled as "need to rant" after all. You go, girl!

I trust her to keep ranting and to keep continuing to think for herself, post-rant, creatively and relaxedly. We might not get to hear about that part, but that's part of the invisible process that leads to "instant success."

Geeze, a girl's got a right to rant!

So Hess, keep telling us how it all feels-- maybe the amount of advice offered has made the threads less than fully safe to do that, so PMs might work better.

The fact that we know, from our great, aged vantage point, that it will all turn out just fine, does not mean your friends don't notice or care how awful this part is (and, to be honest, probably will be for some time).

love,

~Susan


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: Sorcha
Date: 29 Sep 02 - 11:18 PM

Since Hes seems to be cookie-less and apparently e mail less as well, I would just like to know if she recieved all 24 pages of the Turkish music that I sent her by e mail. She has not responded to either e mail or PM....Hes, are you out there??? (I hope she did recieve it, because I lost it all in the hard drive crash last week. I would have to re scan and re send......) Please let me know, OK, Hes?


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: GUEST
Date: 30 Sep 02 - 03:44 AM

Just one thought and then I'll go.
There's a thin line between ranting and wallowing.
I know - if you don't like it don't read it.....
Bye


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: GUEST,cookieless hesperis
Date: 30 Sep 02 - 12:34 PM

It took a while to get internet set up on my own computer after I moved to the job place. Right now I'm at a friends' place and don't want to forget to log OUT.

I got the files, thanks, Sorcha. Email receiving is fine, but I can't send right now, and will just have to put up with that as the employer doesn't want to tell me the account information for their connection. (Even though their daughter is using my connection.) So until I'm back in my own place I'll be unable to send emails through my main accounts. It won't be long though.

Susan - very useful stuff. I'm going to try a few things, like talking honestly to the school about why they want me as a student and what I need from them. If they cannot respond to that, then that truly isn't the place to go.

I went to the computer festival yesterday, and got ink. Tried to negotiate the price down on an optical mouse with scrollwheel (so that I could use my current scrollwheel on my older computer), but the guy wouldn't go for it. Found it MUCH cheaper at another stand, so HA!

Then later on, one of the vendors gave me a set of speakers (worth $5 but still probably better than my 4-year-old other speakers which have a short in one of the wires,) and a REALLY OLD 386 laptop with no power supply. The guy didn't even know what is in it. I have to figure out how to get power into it, but is that not AWESOME? He was calling out "Free speakers with any purchase!" and I just started laughing, and joked a bit that he'd been at the show too long. Guess he was bored, lol. Still, very sweet.


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: wysiwyg
Date: 30 Sep 02 - 12:48 PM

Keep walking, girl. Add a little swing to that step.... soon it will be dancing through each day. Cuz you is our DANCin' girl!

~Susan


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: hesperis
Date: 30 Sep 02 - 11:39 PM

WOW! The new mudcat is awesome!

Line
breaks!

PREVIEW! I always catch typos in a preview if I'm going to catch 'em. *grin*

Had to say that. Ok, back to your regularly scheduled discussion now:




Went to the Academy today and had talks with several people. They were all very concerned and sympathetic and hoping I could somehow work it out, and they tried to talk to their superiors about it, but no. It was suggested that I work part-time on the weekends to pay for the course. When I explained about the allergies they began to understand, but there was still nothing they were allowed to do about it. The course is supposed to be very intensive, there's no way I could work on the weekends and do something like this, when it will be a major challenge to do it in the first place!

That school is not set up to invest in people. It's set up to invest in the latest technology in order to get large tuition fees from students, but it is not set up to truly invest in the success of said students.

So no, it is not the best place for me.

I am sad to lose the $100 registration fee, but am happy about my decision. Plan B it is.


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: mg
Date: 01 Oct 02 - 11:55 AM

I must say I am happy to hear this....it sounded like too big a chunk to bite at one time with your health challenges. It has been my experience that the private technical schools are excellent in their educational components, although very expensive, but they just can't offer the support services that many students need. If Plan B includes a community college, it looked like George Brown college had many openings to start in January in many programs. It was on their web site.

mg


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: mg
Date: 01 Oct 02 - 12:32 PM

I think I would appeal the $100 admission fee on the grounds of disability and their inability to provide for you.    mg


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: hesperis
Date: 02 Oct 02 - 11:43 PM

The job is almost over, I have no place to stay after that. Since I owe money for the last two months, I don't have money for rent anywhere. Can't get welfare if you aren't already renting somewhere. I'll probably have to go to a shelter, and hope to put all my stuff into storage with the ex-bf.

Then... I have no clue. Maybe try to apply to some cheaper college for the spring term, somewhere with residence so I don't have to stay in shelters too long.


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: mg
Date: 02 Oct 02 - 11:53 PM

can you apply for the winter term? That is sooner. Apply for welfare right now while you have an address. And then find someone with a local college who works with these problems all the time. He/she can help you get the resources you need.

mg


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: mg
Date: 03 Oct 02 - 12:01 AM

check this doctor out..I just found her on the internet..not even sure she is an M.D. but she does environmental and complimentary medicine...

click for doctor
------------------------------------------------------------------------


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: mg
Date: 03 Oct 02 - 12:32 AM

wow...this is amazing. this doctor is a speaker at various environmental illness conventions. Do a google search under Riina Bray Toronto and you'll see several things. Here is one.

http://users.lmi.net/~wilworks/timbolen/quakrage.htm

editorial on environmental illness conference

Please give her a call. It sounds like you definitely have enviromental illness, and it is considered a disability, as it most definitely is if it keeps you from most work environments.

Please check this out and let us know if anything comes of it.

mg


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: wysiwyg
Date: 03 Oct 02 - 09:45 AM

Do you have a Cdn equivalent law for our Americans with Disabilities Act? Rights for disabled people. Do a search on ours to see what it is.

Do you have a Cdn equivalent for our Social Security Diability Benefit? It isn't welfare exactly, it's for people unable to work because they have been certified as disabled.

~Susan


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: hesperis
Date: 03 Oct 02 - 01:02 PM

Thanks guys.

Environmental illness = allergies to various environmental things, such as it interferes with having a normal life. Yep, that's me.

The difficulty is proving that you have it and that it is disabling. And social security doesn't necessarily take the doctor's word for it. It depends on the caseworker who is assigned to you, who may know nothing about disability, or who may just decide that you're not disabled *enough* to get disability.

And there's always the doubt... what if people are right? What if all I have to do is apply myself? What if I am just lazy? I think I know myself better than that, and ambition and laziness don't really mix well. But there's always the doubt, even when I've tried all the advice, and it still hasn't worked, that maybe they're right.

But... I will contact that clinic.


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: wysiwyg
Date: 03 Oct 02 - 01:51 PM

A few tough comments and questions offered to one who I think knows I love her dearly....

Well, let's see, does it make more sense to use the resources your country provides, like God only knows how many other people are doing while leading wonderful lives, or does it make more sense to weave together a complicated and very incomplete, ever-shifting tapestry of lots of other people doing little things if and when they can, to help?

And in that tapestry, how do you keep it updated so it's effective? Like our housing offer way back when-- it was solid at the time it was advanced, but now that you have not been here creating a future here, and the room has gone unused, I've found other uses for the room and those uses are creating their own futures.

So I think at a certain point when you are living on the edge, you have to stop planning and considering ideas (and listening to 12 or more people), and DO something, almost ANYhting, that is a concrete step that you will stick with.

We have been going through this with our own daughter now for the last 5 years. Truth is, a time comes, sweetie-- ya gotta get shit or off the pot, because helpers' lives have moved on and those resources that were on hold while you "decided" have expired. Do you start cobbling up other resources or just DEAL with things?

Welfare, which seemed so unacceptable a year ago, is now a plan under heavy consideration (I think-- it's hard to keep up). What if you had swallowed the unwillingness a year ago and gone on welfare then? Would you be healthier now, would you be making a paycheck and looking for larger quarters?

So my question is, what unwillingnesses are you honoring now instead of making a decision and making the best of it till your capacities iomprove? Do you actually have the luxury of preferences, still? If you do-- then what exactly is the emergency we're trying to help with, now?

~Susan


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: CarolC
Date: 03 Oct 02 - 01:52 PM

Hi hesperis. I struggled with all of those same doubts and worries when I was in the process of getting my diagnosis for the Social Security disability pension I've been surviving on for the past ten years (it took a while and a lot of perseverence to get that, but it was well worth it).

But I know this... I'm not lazy. I was a full time single mother raising a special needs child pretty much by myself, a fulltime student, and I had a house and yard to look after by myself. I was averaging 4 to 5 hours of sleep a night, and pushing myself way beyond my limits. I'm glad I had an opportunity to find out that laziness had nothing to do with my problems. But by pushing myself so far beyond my limits, I became almost completely bedridden for years as a result. Ten years later, I'm still recovering from the problems I created by pushing myself too hard.

Good luck with all of that. I hope you are able to get whatever services you need. Then maybe the peace of mind you get from that will free up some of your energy for doing other important things.


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: hesperis
Date: 03 Oct 02 - 04:46 PM

Normal welfare isn't enough for even rent and food, much less rent, food, allergy treatments, transportation, etc.

I talked to several assistance workers while I was still on welfare, they said that allergies don't count, even if your doctor testifies that it is disabling. I didn't know about environmental illness at that time. Since environmental illness is allergy, I didn't even think of it until after I was off welfare. Worth looking into, anyway.


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: mg
Date: 03 Oct 02 - 04:56 PM

DO Check out this doctor...her name appears here and there so they would have a hard time saying no if she checked you out. mg


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: hesperis
Date: 03 Oct 02 - 05:04 PM

Actually, welfare or not is about even in the amount of hassle. I'm just getting enough of moving that the welfare type of hassle is looking more attractive than the vagrant type of hassle. Especially with winter coming on.

I can't take film production anyway, I know I don't want to do camera work or directing, I just want to bring the project together. So there's not much point taking a course that depends on camera work. I was not thinking straight, obviously.


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: mg
Date: 03 Oct 02 - 06:01 PM

NO ONE CAN think straight when they don't know where their next meal is coming from. $500/month is better than $0 per month. You can barter for some of the stuff you might need. Take care of your health problems now and the rest will fall in place a bit later. mg


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: GUEST
Date: 04 Oct 02 - 03:51 AM

Hesperis - read Susan's post very carefully. I think it might be the best piece of advice I have ever seen. This is clearly someone who absolutely has your best interests at heart and is not afraid of asking tough questions. Don't let yourself just become a permanent lame duck. Have a good hard think & swallow a bit of pride. You're very young still - there's bags of time to follow your dreams, you don't have to achieve everything right now.


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: harpgirl
Date: 04 Oct 02 - 08:13 AM

Gee, hesperis...since you have "environmental allergies" 24/7, why not take a steady job?


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: Willie-O
Date: 04 Oct 02 - 09:30 AM

Hesperis, I've just been catching up on your situation here. There's a close friend of mine in Toronto I would like to put you in touch with for various reasons. (both homeopathic and artistic, as it were).

Couple of things do occur to me: you were just saying: "I can't take film production anyway, I know I don't want to do camera work or directing, I just want to bring the project together. So there's not much point taking a course that depends on camera work."

If you want to produce, I'm sure it's essential to understand a lot of the functions of the various creative/technical jobs involved in film production. I worked on a house-building project once with a guy who considered himself a builder/designer, but really had no clue about, and in fact not much interest in the details of construction. It was not a well-run project!

Sounds though as if, given your environmental problems, maybe animation would be more your bag? (That's one of the things my friend does, as well as homeopathy.)

PM me if you wish and I'll tell you more.

By the way, have you looked at Ryerson?

Willie-O
but you can call me Bill


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: hesperis
Date: 04 Oct 02 - 10:58 AM

Susan - My foreseeable future is in Toronto. I really appreciate your previous offer, and understood that it was no longer in place. Don't worry about it. I just have to be here.

Guest - To be not a lame duck, I need housing, food, and allergy treatments, and currently have no way of providing those for myself.

Welfare is a start. I haven't wanted to go back on it because I used to be on it, so I know the limitations. Basically, it covers housing, not much else, and actively prevents one from finding work. (Part-time work is financially punished, as no matter how much you work you can only keep a certain amount of your pay, meanwhile it costs more than that to get to work in the first place, and I can't do full-time work yet.) But since I haven't done too well in either finding work or in job performance when I did find SOMETHING, I'm obviously not capable in that area yet. (Still?)

Willie-O - (I like "Willie-O", there are a lot of people named "Bill" in the world, that makes you just a bit different.) I meant that studying a course where grades (and assumed competency) depend on directing, filming AND post-editing a film more than on the administrative, team, and musical details of the film, is academic suicide of a sort.

I am definitely still studying all facets of filmmaking, but with an eye towards personal understanding of the other facets, so that this movie can be made. Basically, enough to be able to hire and work with good people but not necessarily full competency in directing and camerawork, which other people can do much better than I can.

Herocia definitely needs computer animation, but the other producer/writer wants to act her own part, and I think it would be slightly better with real people acting the roles. We have cast quite a few people already, some of whom have competencies in areas we lack, such as knowledge of swordplay, etc. We'll probably have to bluescreen a lot, and a few characters are definitely digital. (Unless you know where to find a tame dragon or wolf pack within our budget. *g*) I love computer animation, however my own computer is definitely not able to run the software. I cried when I found out Maya had a personal edition for FREE... and I can't run it on this. Ah, well.

I'd also like to act my own part, and am not too sure about being in forests during spring pollen season. (We're hoping to start in April or sooner if the snows melt sooner, and pollen usually gets bad around the end of April, beginning of May. That's not much time... though I'm fine in July as well, one of the cast members has to go to England in July.) I could do it indoors in a constructed blue-screen set, but that might make it boring for everyone. And lighting would be more difficult, to match the forest scenes...

Thanking in type again, lol.


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: hesperis
Date: 04 Oct 02 - 11:14 AM

Er... that would be "thinking in type".
Now that there's a preview, I have to remember to use it more often!

And yes, thank you all... lol.


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: wysiwyg
Date: 04 Oct 02 - 12:43 PM

Hess,

My post wasn't about an offer being open or not, it was about looking at things from the RIGHT NOW perspective and dealing with that.

~Susan


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: GUEST,concerned
Date: 04 Oct 02 - 10:20 PM

My heart goes out to you, but surely Toronto must be the most expensive city in Canada to survive in, not to mention the most industrially polluted. I can't imagine dealing with all you have to in that environment. Do you have family, Mum or Dad or siblings that could put you up until you get back on your feet?

Good luck


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: mg
Date: 04 Oct 02 - 10:47 PM

here is a lead on another doctor..

http://www.co-cure.org/CAN_ON.htm

he or she works with fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue patients and has the condition...these things are all related...

Now: some practical steps. Have you made an appointment to have your eyes checked? (Sometimes I ask the same question over and over because I forget the answer....) If not, that should be a top priority. Then start clipping coupons for glasses..two for one..usually around $99 US for two pairs and I saw that Sears let's you use two different prescriptions for two people. Maybe someone you know is in the market for glasses and you can go halvsies or barter some web construction or something.

If you have no money, you have to think of bartering.

Housing: is there a reason you can't act as a companion for a handicapped person? You say you have housekeeping skills. They would have to agree to have a chemical-free environment but there is someone somewhere, perhaps another person with this chemical sensitivity.

This is a rhetorical question, but do you have any of the following (don't answer...) a drug problem (which I would define as any illegal use whatsoever), an alcohol problem, a violent temper, scary looking friends, especially boyfriends. Lots of tattoos and any piercings? Get a JC Penney catalog, or even better, Lands End, and try to look like them (that is what I focus my aspirations on). If you and your friends are not scary, and you are responsible, etc., you should be able to get some housing in exchange for housekeeping.

Or if you get the welfare or disability (put in for disability) you can still barter your cooking for meals.


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: CarolC
Date: 04 Oct 02 - 11:09 PM

Get a JC Penney catalog, or even better, Lands End, and try to look like them

*BG*

She already looks like them...

hesperis is the tall one with the hat...

and here she is again.


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: mg
Date: 04 Oct 02 - 11:22 PM

I have reread this entire thread trying to understand things better. Some things do not make sense. Like being punished for working part time on welfare. And it costing more to get to work than they would let you keep. Didn't I see on your list that it costs $60 for a bus pass? Wouldn't they let you keep $60? If they do (take home), you are no worse off. You are better off because you have a better base. Reread what Jande said about building beauty on quicksand. I don't have the soul of an artist. I have the soul of a file clerk, so I don't understand the artistic temperament. But you are saying I can't do this, I can't do that over fairly simple things, but yet you want to take on these Oliver Stone type projects. Do you like living on the edge? The literal edge? You don't have to. You can back up a few steps and get housing and barter your cooking skills for decent food and get a little part time job...that lets you keep $60 so you don't go in the hole from working...and just build one thing, one step at a time, starting with food, shelter and medical help. And don't say nothing works because often it does. And even if you don't like going to regular doctors, you will need statements from doctors about your condition when you apply for various things, so ask around, check out the internet. There are doctors certainly in a city as big as Toronto who know something about environmental illness and who lean toward natural treatments. And didn't your treatment cost $60? That is not bad. Get the welfare, get the partime job and the bus pass and hopefully they'll let you keep $120 and there you go.

mg


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: mg
Date: 04 Oct 02 - 11:32 PM

This is very good news. You wear turquoise blue and play the accordian. You could probably be a Lands End model. You don't look scary at all. I had sort of a gothic, white makeup with black lipstick look in mind. Which would make this whole adventure much more difficult. I do have 3 size 12 Lands End skirts that I think only one has been worn maybe once or twice. The others not at all. Size 12. Khaki, navy blue and dark green. I'm 5'5 and you look much taller but if you want them they are yours. I'll throw in a new (I think) Pendleton white blouse.   Sort of thing you could wear on a Kelly Girl job or something.   mg


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: hesperis
Date: 05 Oct 02 - 12:04 AM

Drugs - no
Alcohol - no
Temper - ummm... how violent? I'm much more placid now than in younger days.
Boyfriend - no
Gothic - can do, but makeup makes me break out even worse. ;)

I'm fine for clothing, really. And I only look tall next to Carol. *g*

I'll answer the other stuff tomorrow.


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: CarolC
Date: 05 Oct 02 - 02:40 AM

*BG*


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: CarolC
Date: 05 Oct 02 - 02:41 AM

(oops)


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: mg
Date: 05 Oct 02 - 01:08 PM

check this out..

http://perc.ca/PEN/2001-03/s-mills3.html

about chemical sensitivieis. It does say they are accepted as a disability now in Canada. I did a google search under toronto doctor chemical sensitivies

It also mentioned an environmental health clinic at the women's ?? hospital...well, it will say what in the article.

mg


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: Little Hawk
Date: 05 Oct 02 - 02:50 PM

Mary,

Hesperis fits no preconceived or typical description that pops into people's minds that I have ever heard of...

She is unique.

No drug habits, no piercing, no dangerous looking friends (unless someone finds my Bob Dylan/like haircut frightening). Doesn't smoke. Doesn't drink. Seldom swears (unless under great duress). Dresses nicely. Speaks intelligently on a great variety of interesting subjects.

Is umbillically connected to computer hardware and software, and very good at using them. (Is also, to my way of thinking...addicted to them...but she would not agree with that, so it's just my opinion.)

Is a voracious reader of books, interested in spiritual topics, poetry, and good adult fantasy (sword & sorcery, etc).

Is very interested in dance, particularly sacred circle dancing or dancing that has a spiritual meaning and purpose.

Has very poor eyesight (nearsighted), but claims that wearing glasses causes her terrible headaches...so, if you've got a solution to that...well...I don't.

Can play a wide variety of musical instruments, sing, compose, and create lyrics and musical pieces of quite a high quality. Also creates computer graphic art of various sorts, websites, etc...

Is bloody particular and finicky about a whole lot of things (partly because of the allergies, partly because she just is that way)...and prefers the extraordinary to the ordinary, given the choice of what to focus on in life. Tends to be very idealistic about life and somewhat impractical in certain areas of basic survival.

Is not a "partier", and is generally not interested in what most girls her age are primarly interested in...(which is to say, from my observation only, the majority of them in this town smoke, party, and are fixated on dating "cute" boys...I realize that's a gross generalization, but that's what I see going on...Hesperis is simply not in sinc with those girls.)

Likes to function between about 3pm and 3am for some reason.

Is morally just about impeccable in pretty well any area of life worth mentioning.

What spiritual world she dropped in from I don't know, but she is certainly not your typical unemployed young person...if there is such a thing.

The allergy treatments she has taken do work...but it takes one individual treatment for each particular allergen (the more severe allergens must be treated later, not sooner or it doesn't work/could even be life-threatening), and it's $60/treatment, so that's a lot of money when you're looking at maybe 100 treatments all told. She's had about 20 so far. The government did not pay for any of them, because the government does not recognize this form of treatment. That it does work is clear to me, simply from observing the results, and the changes in what she could eat or be exposed to without experiencing harmful effects.

- LH


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: hesperis
Date: 06 Oct 02 - 03:20 PM

Bus pass is actually $90/month. I must have mistyped. Clothing care - if one is working, one cannot save money by not going to the laundromat. One also cannot go on a fast to save on food (at least, I can't if I'm working) so need to provide good food for lunches at work.

Welfare - $520

Expenses
Rent - usually around $440 for a room or a cheap 1 bedroom apartment (maximum -allowed- rent is $325, which price hasn't been available for over 20 years unless you're renting a room from a friend who doesn't really need to rent out) - 80 left
Hygiene - 6 - 74 left (I have heavy flow and have to buy pads once a month.)
Medication - 20 - 54 left
Clothing care 10 - 44 left (10 if not working, though it's hard on the clothes, and don't tell me to hand-wash, it's either not clean or I just can't rinse out the soap, and it'll cost more in water.)

Work expenses
Phone - 30 - 14 left (if you want to work, you have to be able to call employers and to call in sick if necessary. Also good for internet.)
Transportation - 90 - negative 76
Clothing care - $40 if working - negative 106

Food - whatever's left. Actual food costs are about $60 per week, if I want to eat milk or beef or vegetables which I need for nutrition. If I just want to eat rice and beans... it's a lot less. But that's inviting malnutrition, particularly since I already struggle with that.

Visiting friends is difficult, because you have to get there, transportation costs money. If people buy pizza or drinks you never have any money to chip in. You never have money to go with friends to see a movie... rent a video... whatever.

You can keep $143 (plus 25% of whatever you earn over that,) of your monthly paycheque. If you earn $400 you get to keep 207 of it, the rest gets taken off the next month's welfare cheque.

If you earn $520 or more, you're off welfare, unless there are extenuating circumstances (like, if the job only lasts two months).

Actual monthly cost, working:
$950 minimum, allowing for some entertainment or emergency money.

Maximum welfare income if earning $500/month:
$752.25

Actual monthly cost, not working:
$800 minumum, allowing for some entertainment or emergency money. And I find a phone to be very necessary.

Maximum welfare income if not working:
$520

These figures don't look too good, do they?

I really pity people who have to have alcohol or cigarettes... or who have cars... or pets...

There are two things that contribute to these results. One is, the lack of affordable housing. The other is, the lack of money from welfare for the REAL cost of cheap housing: though financial counselling recommends that the housing cost be 33% of income or lower... they set it up that the maximum allowed housing cost is over 60% of income. (These rates were set many decades ago, and have only been CUT since. CUT!!!!!)

If housing was reasonable, other things could be managed. Barely, but managed.

Put people in situations where they either cannot work fulltime or are out of work for a length of time and have no savings... and I have no clue how people are supposed to survive.

The one good thing about welfare is that if you have up to $5000 savings you can still get on it, then you have some kind of cushion that can hopefully get you through while looking for work. But... if you have no savings... if you are unable to work in any way... *Shrug*


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: wysiwyg
Date: 06 Oct 02 - 04:56 PM

You don't have food stamps?

What you do is make sure any work you do is paid in cash.

~Susan




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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: mg
Date: 06 Oct 02 - 04:58 PM

Good job breaking that down.

And let me say that I have burned myself out over the years thinking I could do this and that and got involved in rental real estate etc. Then I was in an abusive situation at the Univeristy of Washington and to make a long story short, lost everything, and I am left without really the drive and energy to fix everything. So I am plodding slowly through a horrid financial situation...and living very very simply myself. But I know you have to take your energy level into consideration when you take on these huge projects, and your body is telling you many important things right now..

Anyway, my recommendations are:

1. Take the welfare. no matter how bad it is it is a basis..it will cover your rent and phone.
2. Get the part time job..a 1/2 time receptionist in an allergy free zone hopefully.
3. That will give you say $727 per month. Remember this is only temporary..it is not a lifelong sentance to poverty.
4. Try to find a room for 400 and cut food to 200. Spend time at home doing some cooking, and invite your friends over. Get a video at thelibrary. I'd say your budget unfortunately is going to limit you to free entertainment. But that is what libraries are for.
5. Yes, you can wash clothes at home. I do. I have a sink and a clothes line and a clothes rack and it costs about $1.00 or so a month in soap. You probably have clothes that don't require dry cleaning so wear them if you can.
6. You might have to get a free internet service for now.

$500 is better than nothing. $700 is better than nothing.
Now I am going to see if you can get a reduced bus pass. If you have the bus pass, why do you worry about transportationc costs to see your friends?

Keep putting the word out that you need to rent a room in a clean house. It's out there and I bet you can get it for $350 a month, which would then leave $50 for your allergy treatment.

mg


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: mg
Date: 06 Oct 02 - 06:41 PM

I signed up for roommate services.com

http://www.roommateservice.com/members/home/

and gave them my name but some information that would probably describe you..no smoking, drugs, drinking, clean, quiet. There are rooms in Toronto for $350 or under. So put that in your equation.

350 rent
26 personal
200 food
90 bus
60 allergy

726 plus $1 for soap

you'll have to use a household phone and get free internet.

mg


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: Little Hawk
Date: 06 Oct 02 - 06:48 PM

I believe the situation with welfare in this country at present is this: the government has decided to make it so marginal and demeaning that no one will want to be on it, no matter what their situation is. This means that the people who are on it must cheat, lie, and scrounge around for extra cash, and not report it to the government, who would immediately cut them off for so doing, and maybe prosecute them as well.

It's the "I'm all right, Jack!" routine from the guys with limousines and big retirement funds...

As for the people at the bottom...let'em starve, go crazy, die in the streets...let'em turn to crime, prostitution, and trading drugs...treat 'em like the no-good, useless, worthless trash they really are...and in this way, reduce government spending (oh, boy!) and give another tax break to the rich (who funded your last election campaign, and hopefully your next one).

There is very little sincere intention in the halls of power to actually heal society's wounds...only to stick superficial bandaids on them, shove them under the carpet, and work toward winning the next election. It's a money game.

What I am telling you is this. The Emperor has no clothes. But when you're filthy rich, you can walk around stark naked if you want to, and who is going to stop you? Money buys protection.

Be that as it may, yes, Hesperis' best option at this moment is to get on welfare...and find ways of earning additional cash money on the side and NOT report it to the capitalist commissars who push paper in this hypocritical excuse for a democracy that we live in.

- LH


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: wysiwyg
Date: 06 Oct 02 - 08:07 PM

LH, welfare is like that here too. I was very, very poor. You can choose to feel and be demeaned, or you can choose to feel and be empowered. I worked my way off and was shortly making $40,000 a year, on skills I acquired as a volunteer while on welfare. It's not such a big deal.

~Susan


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: Jande
Date: 07 Oct 02 - 11:41 AM

Susan,

I am somewhat irritated by some of the things you say to Hes and other people, but I hesitate to say it since I expect that your response could be "Well... simply choose to feel something else.", but hell, I'll say it anyway, simply to redress the balance.

The only way a person can choose their feelings is if they make themselves insensitive/disassociative to a certain extent. This insensitivity is something I have noticed about your own behavior at times and have wondered why, since you also seem to a be very generous person.

Is it possible that, because you have "pulled yourself up by your own bootstraps", you may have shut off some parts of your sensitive and creative areas in order to survive? Personally, I suspect this is an area you are struggling with.

This is not a condemnation, Susan, simply a theory based on my reading of your posts here over the years. It seems more likely to me that you are feeling some guilt about no longer having the room available, and perhaps some anger/resentment that Hes didn't take you up on your generosity. For you to have those feelings are perfectly reasonable under the circumstances. I'd be worried if you *didn't* feel them. But then, you rarely share your feelings, though you are generous with your thoughts.

I think *some* of what you've said is true. *Some* people _won't_ wait around forever while we are floundering in the mire that we did not make for ourselves, but that we must learn to deal with. And there is no condemnation of those people, either, just sadness. Why should they wait around? All are entitled to live their own lives, even if that means they move on without us.

And no, there are no food stamps. But there are, I believe, still food banks somewhere there. But, IIRC, you need to show them you are on benefits from Social Services these days. At this point I would say they would come in pretty handy for Hes, once she gets a place --IF they have stuff she isn't allergic to.

Oh, and Susan, KUDOES to you for "working your way off"! Did you, too, have allergies, or environmental illness that made it impossible for you to leave the house in certain seasons of the year? Or was there something else debilitating happening that makes your situation resemble so closely that of Hesperis'? If so, then I think you qualify for "goddess". :`)


------
Mary,

I appreciate you letting us know that you may be unable to fully appreciate the situation that Hes is in, but that you are willing to help however you can, even if it is only with encouraging posts and helpful links (and very practical offers of clothing!). And, btw, those links have been helpful to me, also, as I have the very same problem as Hes, except that added to that was a lot of childhood abuse of *various* kinds, so that I still have problems asking for help or creating "community". Thankyou for being aware of your own limitations in this, but being willing to help anyway. Your practical advice is very good.   {{{{{hugs}}}}}

------
LH,

I would agree with your assessment of both Hesperis (and the gov't!), with the following exception:

The vision problems come about because of the allergies. The amount/distance one can see is different all the time, and can often change by the hour. This is due to internal pressure on the eyeball, changing its shape, and therefore the way we see. I tried glasses, too --the kind that Hes tried, and they made me very ill due to motion-sickness. The eye-doctor told me that it should go away in six weeks, but that some people never get over that --especially if you are suseptible to motion sickness-- so I toughed it out, but after that I had to send the glasses back as I was sick and had headaches for the whole six weeks.   

I expect it was simply a poor choice of words that made it sound as though you didn't believe her when she said getting glasses gave her headaches?

Right now, because of the ragweed, I have swollen red-rimmed itchy watering eyes with little tiny pustules on the rims, my eyes are sensitive to light, and I have a slight headache all the time, even though I live on a steady diet of pseudoephedrin. Why? Because I went outside for the first time in a week, braving the ragweed pollen, to get some exercise in the form of a brisk half-hour walk. I can take care of the itchy rims of the eyes with applications of zinc cream, which leaves my eyes a bit greasy. But because they are also swollen, so even the glasses I do have for long distances don't work very well at this time of year. And the eyesight probems are less than a tenth of what I am suffering for that walk, but I really *need* to get out and excersise.

I pray now every day for the blessing of Snow!

And I feel especially that I want to send blessings to you! But not necessarily snowy ones. :`)

Oh, yes, and... There is no such thing as being addicted to computers. It is simply a life-long obsession! You, know... like being obsessed with WWII, or with Bob Dylan, etc.


------
To all that have responded to this thread: Thankyou!

That's why I started this thread. For this kind of discussion.

To show you that though Hes is still only inching her way out of her problems, she is gaining on them -- especially with the help, practical advice and emotional support that she is getting here.

To show Hes that she hasn't been abandoned just because her progress doesn't meet our expectations. She is progressing.

And to keep discussing this as well as hold Hes accountable. It is far too easy to let things slip when you feel isolated and think no one really cares. Dragging oneself to the Doctor's Office, or to Legal Aid, or Welfare, even though you know it will make you sicker because you have to go outside suddenly seems worth it because people care and they are holding you accountable no matter what you are feeling.

My closest friends are those who stuck by me while I struggled my way out. They gave me money and helped me take care of my needs, like Hes's X(?)bf has and does. They confronted me, like Susan and Mary are confronting you, Hes. They stood up for me when I was too weak to do so for myself, and they held me accountable so that I had to take care of myself by doing what was necessary no matter how painful. They were also willing to confront their own feelings about things with me. But they never asked me to be insenstive, to go against my own moral code, or to stop being *idealistic*. They praised my sensitivity. They reminded me that it was that very sensitivity that made me a very special singer/songwriter/artist/story-writer --one who could move people.

I still have trouble with that. I don't always let people know the full extent of the physical suffering I am struggling with on a daily basis, partly because I don't think they will believe me (not having experienced it themselves), partly because it's a long litany of complaints that I simply don't want to burden my friends and loved-ones with. Ours is a society that doesn't love extremes, so being ill with something extreme, tends to bring out the "blame the victim" response... ::shrug::

Anyway, Hes, keep going. Some people don't care about you. Some do care and do their best to show it. Some people care more than they can articulate.

The man from the gospels asked us to "love our neighbour AS ourselves". Sometimes it's hard to remember that the second part of that is equal to the first part.   But never forget that love is not just a feeling, "love" is a verb.



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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: Catherine Jayne
Date: 07 Oct 02 - 01:01 PM

Hes, keep smiling you have lots of friends here and it will work out in the end. I know its hard. I cant work because I have something wrong with my hips and knees. I can walk but need to rest. I cant walk far. If I sit for long periods of time I seize up. Its painful and means that I am unable to get a job and if I get a job I am unable to hold it down because my knees become too painful and I have too much time off work. I saw my consultant today and he has refered me for yet another MRI Scan. I am only allergic to dairy products and penicillin and that makes things difficult. I held a dinner party the other day and found it difficult to put a large menu together that I could eat. I got round it by putting the things I couldn't eat on the table for other to eat and I didn't go anywhere near them! but that is beside the point.

Keep smiling and making music.

Best wishes and big hugs from here in England.

Cat


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: wysiwyg
Date: 07 Oct 02 - 02:37 PM

Jande, I had my own challenges, as we all do. We aren't goddesses for dealing with them.

No, I did not close off any feelings; I discharged them using the tools at www.rc.org, and I recommend them highly. We do have a great deal more choice than I think you expect of human beings. It's OK with me if you don't see it that way, but I don't accept your limits on how people can be, for me or for Hesperis.

I admire that you believe in Hesperis, and as her mother of course you should. I believe in her too. I believe in her ability to face how things actually are and get herself busy meeting challenges, and I believe there were some things that needed to be said.

In the Raised Poor support group I led for a time, we had a saying that often led to much healing:

"We ARE the people we have been waiting for."

And it's true.

~Susan


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: hesperis
Date: 07 Oct 02 - 10:46 PM

Guest - sometimes you need to wallow for a while before you can actually move on. As long as you do move on, it's an appropriate, healthy response to a tough situation. I think I'm about ready to move on.

Mary - I think trying to recover the $100 admission that I signed a form saying it was non-refundable for... is a lost cause.

Winter term - January, right? I think that's what I meant. *Blush*

Re: Doctor situation - The first thing I do is get myself in TO and look up my old (childhood) doctor, which I wasn't able to do before leaving. Since he has experience with my mother as well, he might have a better understanding of how to start getting the support I need to get better. Then I'll look up the Doctors you've listed. And thank you very much for that, it is definitely going to be useful.

Susan - there is no equivalent for the Disabilities Act, however the Human Rights Commission has some sections dealing with diabilities. So there should be alternatives.

Re: Tough Comments - Getting welfare last year would have not been the solution, as I wouldn't have been using it as a stepping stone, but as a giving up. Practically speaking, other people might not have had to support me as much as they had to, but... it really would have been the wrong thing in both a short-term and long-term sense. I had never been off welfare before.

I had no other understanding of the way the world was or could be, than that of being emotionally hassled as a welfare person and mentally under strain every second for lack of money and lack of support and lack of understanding. Now I've seen the way normal people with jobs live. And I can recognize that I'm not yet at that level, so I need to go on welfare in order to get there. Now I know what I'm going for.

Carol - yeah, pushing usually causes more problems than it solves, eh? Glad things are working out for you!

Concerned - Nope.

Mary - My eyes are supposed to both be -3.0 but it varies. I'm currently using pinhole glasses so that I can read street signs. Usually I can read them from about 20-30 ft away with these. The other day I missed several streetcars because my eyes were hurting and I couldn't see far enough to get to a stop by the time the streetcars came, and with the glasses I still had to be right by the sign in order to read it. So... it really does vary.

Housekeeping - Marion suggested that, too. I'm not very outgoing and need a lot of private time, and I'm just not awake in the morning most days. I like people fine, but... please, at a reasonable hour of the DAY.
\Also, I was housesitting in Burlington and I'm sure I never want to do that again. Of course, she was being somewhat difficult around the issue of my allergies, but still.

"soul of a file clerk" - LOL! I love it. I have the soul of a nun, I think.

Oh, and I finally found a colour that makes me look like a human being instead of a ghost. A GORGEOUS deep blue with turquoise leanings. I actually looked like I had COLOUR in my cheeks!

LH - I am addicted to computers. It's a good thing, particularly if I can actually get a job in that field. NICE money. Very nice money. And work I like. ;)

Mary - Thanks for the link! I'm checking it out NOW. If it's shared, might be shared phone... we'll see. Much more hopeful.

LH - yeah. There are people in lower levels of government who really do want to help people though. I think it's more a case of the right hand not knowing what the left is doing, and the brain not realizing that no matter how cool technology is, it's never as cool as the person who invented the technology. If there was some way to truly tap the power of every person, and get them really contributing... this society would be amazking. (Hmmm, think I'll leave that typo in.)

Jande - Whoa, girl. That would have been better in a PM, I think. You can't choose your feelings but you can choose your reaction. To a certain extent, and if you've trained yourself that way. It's no more an insensitivity than pushing to stay awake in order to get something done, which all of us have done at some point.

And yes, the ex-bf is an EX-bf. lol.

Cat - *Hugs to you too* So how's the social services situation in jolly ole England?

Susan - Yeah, we're all humans.


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: hesperis
Date: 07 Oct 02 - 10:56 PM

Oh, great.

Welcome to the Room-Mail messaging center! Room-Mail allows you to send and receive messages without revealing your e-mail address. You may divulge this and other personal information once you feel comfortable with your contact(s). It's completely FREE to send messages, so send a bunch! In order to read messages received from other members, you must become a Choice Member. Click the "Upgrade" tab for more information.

Have fun finding the perfect roommate!

Your friends @ RoommateService.com


So, basically, if I send a message to someone, they can't read it unless they upgrade, and I can't read their replies unless I upgrade? Don't people realize that not everyone has a credit card!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anyway, I saw a listing where the guy had uploaded a "photo" that had only his email address on it. Way to hack the system, dude!

We'll see how it goes.


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: mg
Date: 08 Oct 02 - 01:03 AM

yeah..the roommate services thing might not work out because it looks like they charge you for everything..although they say it is free. Another idea is to go to your nearest community college and they would usually have bulletin boards with rooms that students rent. Tell them you are registering for school very soon.   I very strongly suggest only living with women, unless it is some sort of mixed group. I would definitely not recommend sharing a room with a single male, even though it can work out sometimes. You are in just too vulnerable a position right now. mg


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: Catherine Jayne
Date: 08 Oct 02 - 03:45 AM

Hes..social seervices here in good olde England....don't ask. I have someone coming to see me next week to discuss my jobseekers allowence which is £84.40 every 2 weeks It is damn near impossible to live of £42.20 a week but that is what our government says we can live off. BUt I do claim it as it is better than nothing.

On the glasses front. I wear glasses as I have a double vision caused by poor muscles and on top of that I am long sighted. I find that I don't tend to wear them A) they are expensive to buy and B) they do give me headaches. I found that if I persevere with and wear them a bit each day my eyes and the tops of my ears where the arms rest get used to them and the headaches subside but it take time and it is terribley frustrating.

((((((((HUGS))))))))

Warm thoughts coming your way

Cat


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: hesperis
Date: 08 Oct 02 - 12:48 PM

Mary - yeah, I put up a "photo" with some information and said I'd prefer to live with another female. Mixed is ok.

I actually have a list of a few cool-sounding people who are also looking for shared accomodation, however I can't find an apartment cheap enough that my share would be even as low as welfare maximum.

Cat - I hope you can get that amount upped. It really is ridiculous, isn't it? How they can think that people LIKE to be in a situation where they don't earn their own living, and need to be scrimped and abused as "incentive" to get a job, rather than supported with all other needs met in order to get a job, really is beyond me. But that's what happens when you have outdated burocratic (sp?) systems that were created when we didn't understand what people are actually like.

Anyway, I'll be going to a shelter tonight, and beginning doctor search and college apartment search and computer-store-part-time-job search...


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: Jande
Date: 08 Oct 02 - 01:15 PM

Susan...

I guess there will always be some things that people cannot hear, no matter what. When people seem to be inconsiderate of others feelings/needs/limitations I feel the need to confront their (IN MY OPINION) insensitivity to redress the balance, especially where one of my dear friends is concerned.

Rather than continuing this "discussion" with you which could easily lead to a more painful situation between us, I will refrain from replying in the way I would prefer to if you were more open to what I have to say. You have your way and I have mine. Sadly, I gravely doubt the twain shall ever meet. Though I remain open to being proved wrong on that point.    :`)

PAX

~ Jande


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: hesperis
Date: 08 Oct 02 - 04:12 PM

Going for the bus now. Welfare first thing, then doctor, then legal aid, especially if welfare starts being annoying.

I should have access at free internet places to keep everyone updated.

Love and hugs!
~*sirepseh*~


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: mg
Date: 08 Oct 02 - 06:05 PM

good luck....I hope the shelter is an OK one. Do you have someplace to leave any valuables? Keep asking and asking and there are people in town who know the resources better than us far away and can put you in touch with people who can help. You have so much going for you, youth and ambition and marketable skills already...once your physical needs are better met, you will zoom toward the top of your profession. And start hanging around one of those community colleges. They can offer medical help, a dental plan, certificates in programs that will help with jobs, work study employment, housing in at least one of them, plus all sorts of counselors whose joy in life is seeing people like yourself succeed. mg


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: Marion
Date: 09 Oct 02 - 12:39 AM

Hi Hesperis. You said something about going to a shelter and having to store stuff at your ex's. I might be able to help you out with some storage if it's more convenient or if you're less than happy about asking your ex for the favour.

Also, you said on the subject of au pairing: "I'm not very outgoing and need a lot of private time, and I'm just not awake in the morning most days. I like people fine, but... please, at a reasonable hour of the DAY."

I'd say that describes me too, and I wouldn't want to take a live-in babysitting job for that reason, but I've had a couple of good experiences as a live-in companion: once with an elderly woman, and once with a severely handicapped woman. In both cases there was little to no "work" required in exchange for free rent; my main responsibility was simply to be home at certain hours, in case of emergency and so that the person wouldn't feel alone and anxious. Lots of time to myself, no morning chores. Having a curfew did cramp my style, but it sure beat paying rent.

These specific opportunities aren't open to you (both in other cities) but the point I want to make is that these kind of arrangements are out there. From what you said, I worry that you may be ruling out a great way to live for free for a bad reason.

One other thing... you've had a bad experience housesitting - so make it a point never to sit that house again. But that's a bad reason to rule out all housesitting. There are good housesitting arrangements out there too.

Marion

PS I will PM you my phone number now in case you don't have it anymore.


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: GUEST,cookieless hesperis
Date: 10 Oct 02 - 01:13 AM

I'm ok. Have a meeting tomorrow with a housing counsellor at a youth shelter, who can also advise on the best way to approach welfare, etc. Got a tip about free ID from one of the other kids.

Report more after tomorrow.

Marion, I still have your number. A smoke-free place to store some stuff would be good. I'll call.


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: hesperis
Date: 13 Oct 02 - 09:20 PM

Been living in a shelter the past few days. It's the best one in TO for women...

Not enough food, no preparation for people with allergies. (I was asked what I was allergic to when I got there, then the next day the snack was strawberry jello and nothing else. I'm allergic to strawberries. I've pretty much been eating toast and butter for 5 days, except when I go to another shelter for lunch.)

People don't do their chores so the place gets really messy. The house laundry wasn't done for several days in a row so I had to use a sheet for a towel, and I had no pillow. (Probably just as well I didn't get a pillow though, I don't want to get lice.) One woman has the radio on all the time, playing rap, she falls asleep to it. I can't sleep with music on, I'll go very, very close to actually sleeping but not actually sleep. And we had to be up by 7 and out by 9:30. I was pleased that nothing tried to eat me during the night, though.

I made a couple of friends, which is cool. Some people are really messed up, but others, like me, just don't really connect to the job thing for whatever reason.

I started my period so asked if I could stay with my friend's parents over Thanksgiving. Thank god they said yes.

I need sleep.


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: Willie-O
Date: 13 Oct 02 - 09:51 PM

Hang in there Hes.
Re a computer sales job: when you're ready, try CPUsed. Becca's daughter Skye works there, seems to like it.

W-O


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: wysiwyg
Date: 13 Oct 02 - 11:58 PM

Sounds just like both of our boys in basic training. Hang in there and see how you do with this-- may learn some things in there you need to know.

~Susan


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: hesperis
Date: 16 Oct 02 - 05:20 PM

Yeah, like where to find a cheap apartment in TO.

There's a possibility of a subsidized self-employment training program, I really, really, really hope I get into it. Applied already, need to send in a nice targeted resume, plus a letter about why I want to start a business, and two letters of recommendation.

Deadline is next week, and they'll be interviewing applicants in early November.


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: hesperis
Date: 18 Oct 02 - 11:29 AM

A friend is going to help me to find a room for $350 or less, hopefully in Chinatown. I really hope to find something soon.


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: CapriUni
Date: 18 Oct 02 - 01:52 PM

:::Visaulizing Hes moving into a comfortable, affordable apartment in Chinatown, and settling in happily.:::

Pulling for you.


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: mg
Date: 18 Oct 02 - 02:06 PM

that is wonderful news. mg


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: hesperis
Date: 22 Oct 02 - 11:22 AM

Still looking. Found free internet that is IE instead of *urgh* netscape... however it's a little too far to walk, and it's only open in the mornings. But at least I have some kind of computer access.

Still alive.


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: GUEST,cookieless hesperis
Date: 24 Oct 02 - 06:08 PM

Just checking in quickly from the library.

There's a workshop about women and self employment tonight, I'll be going to that. There's a workshop on monday about non-standard self employment, such as in entertainment fields. I'll be going to that.

Tomorrow I have an appointment with someone about another program, and will be dropping off my complete application for the government-subsidized youth entrepreneurial program at the same time.
Got one letter of reference, thank you so much, it's kick-ass! Will be getting the other one tonight.

Had an appointment with the housing worker today, it looks as though either co-op or sharing a 3-bedroom with a couple of other people would be the best option. I have names of nice people who want to share for $500 or under, and I want to share for $400 or under. So, we'll see how things turn out.

Thanks for being there, all of you. *Hug*


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: katlaughing
Date: 24 Oct 02 - 07:18 PM

~Sirepseh~, those all sound very good and positive. Good luck and we'll keep up with the good thoughts. Thanks for keeping us posted.

kat


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: Little Hawk
Date: 24 Oct 02 - 08:38 PM

Yup, sounds good. Keep at it. I'm sure you will find workable solutions out there.

- LH


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: GUEST,cookieless hesperis
Date: 29 Oct 02 - 01:08 PM

The workshop yesterday was fantastic!!!!!!!!!! So many relevant speakers... one guy was asked to speak about his successes, and talked about his failures instead, it was one of the most motivating of the mini-talks.

So much information to go over in my mind, so many wonderful people who are not satisfied to settle for the daily grind... wow.

There was one computer geek there who gave me really good advice about how to go about what I want to do, two people in entertainment that I can now email for advice... wow. WOW!

And there was a draw at the end for a cell phone. I won.

As soon as I can get it set up it'll be very useful, as it's been difficult to contact people about apartments or other help as I don't really have a number where they can reach me, I can only access the phone if I have money or if the other people at the shelter aren't using the free one (ha!), and I can only access free internet when I can get to it. So this is absolutely fantastic.

I never thought I'd have a cell phone.

In other news, found a couple of possible 3-bdr apartments, need one or two people to share it with for $450.

Also, I have not heard back from the government entrepreneurial program yet, they are still going through the applications. I'll hear by the end of the week.

*CROSSES FINGERS*


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: katlaughing
Date: 29 Oct 02 - 01:13 PM

Yea!! Good news keeps piling up! Wonderful!


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: Amos
Date: 29 Oct 02 - 02:52 PM

Way to go, Hes!!

BTW, I PMd you about your Skylark song -- can you let me know about it? QUestion of origins, written by whom?

Thanks, dearie....


Sorry for the thread creep.



A


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: hesperis
Date: 30 Oct 02 - 05:20 PM

Origins? The lyrics are a more Modern English version of Shelley's "Skylark", so that should have no copyright problems.
The music is written by me.

The song may be performed freely by any artist for the purpose of informing people about the plight of the English Skylark, which is suffering from habitat loss and from chemical use on farmland.


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: black walnut
Date: 01 Nov 02 - 03:02 PM

Any news yet, H.?

~b.w.


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: hesperis
Date: 02 Nov 02 - 07:36 PM

I thought I hadn't got in because I hadn't heard from them, so I applied for welfare, which just plain felt wrong. So I called the entrepreneurial program and told them that if I didn't hear soon I'd have to apply for welfare and it's difficult to start a business on welfare... three hours later I got the call.

I GOT IN! Start on monday.

WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: mg
Date: 02 Nov 02 - 07:48 PM

congratulations. That is just wonderful.

mg


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: wysiwyg
Date: 02 Nov 02 - 10:07 PM

Can't ALSO take welfare?

~S~


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: black walnut
Date: 03 Nov 02 - 07:12 AM

Good stuff!

~b.w.


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: GUEST,cookieless hesperis
Date: 03 Nov 02 - 06:04 PM

...who will soon have internet again. ;D

Can't ALSO take welfare, that's kinda really illegal. But I'll ask if I can get the community start-up fund from them anyway so that I can pay rent monthly instead of weekly, and get a few items I'll need.
If not, it'll be a bit tighter, but still doable. This program is $250 per week, which is about twice as much as welfare, and is actually a reasonable living allowance if you budget. (As in, I actually HAVE a food budget after everything else that's essential!)

Jande - MIDI KEYBOARD! Please. ;)

LH - I'll pay you back at $50 per week starting three weeks from now. Thank you!

Black Walnut - Thanks. I had a lot of fun at that Acoustic Harvest thing.

Marion - Nice to finally meet you.

Rick and Heather and everybody else - I'm ok, you can stop worrying now. Thanks for all the prayers and encouragement.


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: Willie-O
Date: 03 Nov 02 - 06:22 PM

Good stuff. Upward bound. Yay Hesperis.

W-O


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: wysiwyg
Date: 04 Nov 02 - 12:15 AM

And after the program, what? How long is it?

~Susan


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: katlaughing
Date: 04 Nov 02 - 12:24 AM

One day at a time, Susan...let her catch her breath, eh?:-)

sirepseh...great news, keep yer chin up!

luvyakat


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: CarolC
Date: 04 Nov 02 - 03:37 PM

YEEHaaaaa!!!!!


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: hesperis
Date: 06 Nov 02 - 07:11 PM

Ok, found out I got into Phase 1 - basically a shortlist. I need to get on the next shortlist, and then on the final list. First shortlist was 45 people, second is 30, final is 20 people who actually get funding. I'm doing a workshop right now and have a presentation tomorrow that will help determine if I get to the final group or not.

Good thing I didn't cancel the welfare appointment.

In the first part, you don't actually get funding, so I can definitely get welfare for one, maybe 2 months, plus SOME start-up money for last month's rent, etc.

Anyway, g2g plan the presentation.


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: GUEST,cookieless hesperis
Date: 09 Nov 02 - 10:29 PM

I think the presentation went well. I won't find out for a couple of weeks, unfortunately.

I wish everyone in my group gets in... unfortunately only 20 out of 45 people will get into the full program.

*Crosses fingers*


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: CarolC
Date: 10 Nov 02 - 12:00 PM

Crossing fingers here, too. Good luck!


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: hesperis
Date: 15 Nov 02 - 08:29 PM

The room isn't working out. Now I have to figure out how to leave without it being illegal in the eyes of welfare. Much fun.

If anyone knows anyone in TO who doesn't smoke, doesn't have pets, and is looking to rent a room, please PM! If I get a couple of people together we can rent a 3-bdr apartment for $450 each inclusive... that would really be good.


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: hesperis
Date: 18 Nov 02 - 11:33 AM

Thanks, Marion.


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: hesperis
Date: 19 Nov 02 - 06:08 PM

Still haven't heard if I got into part 2 of that program. Either the choice of who to cut is really difficult, or the person doing the choosing is sick. Probably both.

So, still crossing the ol' fingers.


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: Marion
Date: 20 Nov 02 - 12:31 AM

No worries Hesperis, I think you're the lowest-maintenance guest I've ever had. Seems like all that either of us ever does is sleep and leave! I guess we'll have to make an appointment for it if we're actually going to share a meal or song or conversation.

Cheers, Marion


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: hesperis
Date: 21 Nov 02 - 10:01 PM

Well, hopefully I didn't make too much noise today. And it was good to talk to you the other day. Looking forward to tuesday. ;)

My friend who might make a good roommate will only stay in town if she gets into the program too... otherwise she's going back to Kingston. So I'll be looking at at least January for getting a couple of people together to rent a room, since we won't hear until sometime this weekend now.

The room I looked at earlier yesterday is ok, the carpet is a bit TOO new and plasticky... but I'll probably take it. I tried to talk to the landlord about moving in a week earlier than the beginning of next month for another $100... but he didn't seem to understand. I'm not too sure this is the best place for me, but it's literally the only thing I've found that's SOMEWHAT close to one of the areas in town I want to live.

And if I can't move in a week early and pay him something for this month, then I'll have to kjeep looking or be in trouble with welfare, which sucks. The room is empty right now... so I really don't understand why it's a problem for him. *Shrug*


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: hesperis
Date: 28 Nov 02 - 10:29 PM

Didn't get into the program.

Here's how I feel.

LH - Thanks for letting me know about Selkie's death. I'm glad it seemed peaceful.


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: CarolC
Date: 29 Nov 02 - 12:13 AM

Big bummer about the program. I think the water in the well is going to keep getting higher for you (until you eventually reach the rope yourself). You sound so much more in command of yourself and your situation than you did even just a few weeks ago. It looks and sounds to me like you have been and are growing a hell of a lot from your experiences. And getting much stronger. It looks and sounds to me like you're building your life one gruelling brick at a time, but it looks like you are building something lasting and very important.

I think you are doing/will do some amazing things with your life.

(((((((((((((((BIG hugs))))))))))))))))

Carol


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: hesperis
Date: 29 Nov 02 - 09:57 AM

Thank you! That was the perfect thing to say. *Hug*
How's the hubby? ;)


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: CarolC
Date: 30 Nov 02 - 05:33 PM

He's great!

;-)


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: Marion
Date: 03 Dec 02 - 12:30 PM

Hesperis, please check your PMs.

Marion


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: hesperis
Date: 10 Dec 02 - 09:29 PM

I am a year older, since Sunday. Was throwing up on Friday, was still sick on Saturday, and on Sunday was just happy to be hungry. Didn't have the best birthday ever, for sure. No presents, no cake, only my new boyfriend and my best friend remembered. Got to talk online with my mother, though, so that was good.

The room isn't working out. There's stale smoke, mice, and stale Indian cooking smells from downstairs. Also, my landlord doesn't speak English too well, and wants to go back to Mexico. So, looking - again.

I've been trying to go to a job search program, and have been having a lot of difficulty jsut getting to it. I will be getting my welfare cheque, hopefully later this week, but right now I'm not doing that well.

I'm just worrying too much. Again.


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: CarolC
Date: 14 Dec 02 - 09:04 AM

Hope you're feeling better now. I figured I better put a link to your birthday thread here in case you aren't on-line for a bit and you miss it.

Happy Birthday Hesperis!


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: hesperis
Date: 14 Dec 02 - 12:07 PM

Thank you!

I've been trying to figure out how to start the business anyway, since trying to job search was way too much pressure. I'm just not a corporate person, and don't want to be - ever. Do it's about 30 times as difficult to look for work since it's going completely against the grain.

I also have at least one customer, and don't want to have to send him elsewhere. It rankles.

So... will be discussing how to get on the welfare self-employment program next week.


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: hesperis
Date: 20 Dec 02 - 05:24 PM

Still haven't heard back from my worker about the self-employment program. I asked for an appointmemt and haven't even got a phone call... I'm so impressed with SS right now.

Still don't have a phone in my new room, the landlord got laid off after I moved in, and kinda couldn't get the phone installed.

Had a fight with my mother, basically challenged her that she doesn't talk to me enough, and now she's really not talking to me. At least now nobody's going to tell me to go live with my parents if my situation is really this difficult. I don't have parents.

Got a bill from the Academy of Design, sent to my former address, and something saying that my osap application couldn't be processed because I didn't have a birth certificate. Guess they didn't get my email cancelling my application. I called them, and they're going to be reasonable about it, but I'm meeting with someone tomorrow to make sure everything goes smoothly.

I'm getting really sick of trying to strategize ways out of this mess and having none of the ways work, no matter how much energy I pour into it.


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: CapriUni
Date: 20 Dec 02 - 05:29 PM

{{{{{{{{{Hesperis}}}}}}}}}


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: wysiwyg
Date: 21 Dec 02 - 09:49 PM


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: wysiwyg
Date: 21 Dec 02 - 09:56 PM

Sorry, that was my really screwed-up computer burping, when what I would want to say is, Hess, hang in there. Our three kids, I am sure, have felt and gone through much of this. I don't say that lightly... one, for example, has been as sick as you have been and, in some ways, sicker and less safe... anyway, she finally got the major pieces lined up so she could work with them, and is getting the rest of her life on track from that foundation, and it's coming along pretty well. What I am trying to say is, you can make it. I did. Many of us did. Young people facing tough times are. I know you can do it. I know it can be done, and I know you are one of the ones who can do it.

Hess, did you ever *meet* Mudcatter Matt R? I think you came here after he "left." I wish you two could talk. Man, has he had it rough. I think he could encourage you better than anyone else here. He was back posting an update on how he's been doing, not long ago.... why not PM him a hello and make his sporadic acquaintance. Tell him I ("da Flooz") sent you.

~Susan


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: hesperis
Date: 23 Dec 02 - 11:44 PM

Yeah, I know Matt. Wish he'd post more, but haven't seen him aroudn lately, and I can pretty much just keep up with this thread right now.

Thanks guys.

After Christmas I'm going to go park out at the welfare office, just to make sure I get the January cheque... then I can decide better what to do.


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: hesperis
Date: 24 Dec 02 - 02:12 PM

Right now, it's Christmas, I do have housing I can afford, I'm going to several friendly feasts, and I'm just setting everything else aside for a bit.

Merry Christmas! Love and hugs to all!

Any TO mudcatters are invited to a New Years' Eve DAY open house at my new boyfriend's place. PM for directions.


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: CarolC
Date: 24 Dec 02 - 03:39 PM

(((((((((((((((((((HUGS for you, Hesperis)))))))))))))))))))))

(Sometime you're going to have to tell me about this new boyfriend of yours! A PM perhaps?)


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: mg
Date: 24 Dec 02 - 03:55 PM

congratulations on the housing and the new boyfriend. Merry Christmas. mg


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: hesperis
Date: 25 Dec 02 - 08:36 AM

It's a white Christmas! The streetcars' rumble is quieter than usual. The new boyfriend invited me to a lot of his family events, and I've been totally stuffing myself on fantastic food. Then I woke up hungry at 7 am this morning! Couldn't believe it.

I didn't do much for the Solstice, just recognized that the light had returned, which really seems to be reflecting in my life right now. I got my cheque from welfare for January already! So I don't have to worry about that for a whole month. ;)

I still want to start the business, but am not sure if welfare will *allow* me to start it. If I get a subsidy I can start it and will probably be able to cover the expenses of the business itself, otherwise I'll be out of money in less than a month... kinda can't start a business with cashflow like that.

The bf says I need more "real" work experience to start a business... but my gut instinct is to be self-employed and eventually employ others. Although he has started a business in the past, he prefers the security of a paycheck, I prefer the security of knowing where I stand. I also make a much better boss than employee!

The other option is going back to school, but for that, anything that I'm interested in is either full already for January or at a private school. If the osap loan won't even cover tuition... there won't be anything left to live on, which is why I didn't go to that school in October...!

The bf is really sweet. He loves computers and has an artistic eye, so that's perfect. I kinda like someone else too, but the other someone isn't in the country, so the bf doesn't really have much competition, I guess. >;)

Here's hoping that you are having a wonderful Christmas too.

Love and hugs!


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: Little Hawk
Date: 25 Dec 02 - 12:29 PM

Boyfriends are easy to find when you're young and beautiful, but good ones are not quite so easy to find. Sounds like you've found a good one. That certainly makes for a happier Christmas!

I went out today and took some digital photos of the snowy scenes to send to my new friends in Trinidad. Those who long for a "white Christmas" have not wished in vain this year. It's beautiful out there.

So, I'm sending my very good wishes to you and the new bf on Christmas Day 2002!

- LH


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: GUEST,Marion
Date: 27 Dec 02 - 06:25 PM

Hi Hesperis. I remember how to get there; what sort of time frame are we talking? (I have a thing in Mississauga in the afternoon, so playing and travelling will take up a large chunk of the day).

Marion


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: Bobert
Date: 27 Dec 02 - 07:24 PM

Think cottage industries. Some folks are making a nice living selling on ebay. Of course you have to find a supplier of stuff who is willig to let you act as a marketer but this doesn't involve any capital. There are ebay seminars that are held here and there. Just an idea that allows you to work at home and on the pudder...

Real glad to hear about yir new significant other...

Bobert


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: hesperis
Date: 28 Dec 02 - 03:04 AM

Carol - PM on the way.

Marion - Afternoon or later is great, I'd love to see you. (And return a certain key.)

Bobert - Yeah, cottage industry is definitely the plan.

Amos - Thanks for the encouragement.


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: hesperis
Date: 02 Jan 03 - 01:25 AM

Well, had a great New Year so far. My website is back up, completely renovated (though there are still bugs to work out, of course). Visit it! It's really cool.

I'm working on the business plan and on an education. Hero6 is going great, we get a few more percentage points of final music each week.

So, here's wishing everyone a great new year.


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: GUEST,celticAnnie
Date: 02 Jan 03 - 11:57 AM

Is there any chance that this thread can be started again simply as 'Hesperis' Mudcat Diary', or something like that.

Anne


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: hesperis
Date: 02 Jan 03 - 03:43 PM

Is the thread getting too long for you? I'd have made a new thread already but the new version of mudcat has a way to split threads into pages, which saves on making new threads all the time. You might want to use it.

On the main forum page, just click on the underlined number next to the thread title, then when that loads, click on the last page. Or click on the little "d" next to that, to get the most recent post first AND have everything split into pages.


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: hesperis
Date: 22 Jan 03 - 11:11 PM

Orientation for the welfare self-employment program was this morning. I was actually five minutes early. Yay!

It took four days of concerted calling to get approval to attend (which I now find out is lucky compared to how long many other participants had to fight through government red tape... oy). I freaked out last night, totally scared it would be like the other program... and when I got there today, it was fantastic.

I am so glad I didn't get into the other program, even though I'd have had more money to start with, because THIS program is the right one.

For anyone in TO thinking of starting a business, or wanting to take their business to the next level... go to the Toronto Business Development Centre, and tell them that Chagall sent you.

I'll keep you all posted!

Love and hugs,
~*sirepseh*~


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: Little Hawk
Date: 23 Jan 03 - 12:35 AM

Ah, well, that's good. I was wondering what you were up to.

- LH


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: hesperis
Date: 31 Jan 03 - 01:12 PM

Well, the program is great. The only problem is that I'm ready to start, and the government won't pay for things like business registration unless I finish the course first. That isn't until MARCH!

I want to do the full course because I will definitely learn ways to make my business better, however I have two customers who want to start as soon as possible, and I'd also like a chance to play with the control panel software before I have to put a customer's site up. And I want to buy the registration and domains as soon as possible...

More news soon.


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: hesperis
Date: 14 Mar 03 - 03:07 PM

Well, here it is in March. I finally got in touch with my worker, a new one, and she is trying to repair the mistakes the other workers made.

I was entitled to receive an extra $100/month since December for transportation, as I was doing volunteer work. I had to stop going because I couldn't afford to get there. She's trying to get that back paid, which will definitely help with business start-up costs.

At the start of this business program, I was entitled to receive $250 for clothing and grooming, so that I would have appropriate clothing to wear for a job-like situation. I did not receive it, and was wearing the same blazer every single week... I was just lucky to have had that blazer in the first place!

At graduation from the program, I am entitled to receive another $250 for startup costs, and any extra money my worker agrees to for business licences such as birth certificate and business registration.

So now that I have actually met with my worker, I will be receiving all that - which is enough money to start my business!

The business plan is going well, and my first two customers have sent their payments. I can't actually cash the payments until I have everything registered and have opened a business bank account, but it's there. That money is going straight towards paying my supplier for a full year!

In other news, my boyfriend has an offer of a contract out in BC for a couple of months, and will probably take it. So I'll miss him, but I can sublet his place while he is gone.


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: katlaughing
Date: 14 Mar 03 - 03:17 PM

Good for you, sirepseh! Congratulations!!

luvyakat


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: CarolC
Date: 14 Mar 03 - 03:21 PM

Wow! I'm so proud of you!!!


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: Little Hawk
Date: 14 Mar 03 - 04:07 PM

Sounds good. I contacted Paul B about the birth certificate, and he says the papers have never arrived on his desk yet, although he's been expecting them and waiting for them.

- LH


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: gnu
Date: 14 Mar 03 - 04:13 PM

Good on ya !


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: hesperis
Date: 16 Mar 03 - 12:54 AM

I think the papers must have gotten lost. I really doubt they'd take this long! PM sent...


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: hesperis
Date: 02 Apr 03 - 11:46 PM

Another update - graduated from the business plan course on the 19th of March, have a totally kickass plan. Registered the business the next day, opened a bank account the day after that.

Had various problems with suppliers and banks until yesterday. Just got the domain names I'll be using, and sent off a big money order to pay my supplier for the full year. Still have to pay the domain supplier for my customers' domains, I should get the information on how to do that by tomorrow.

So the business website will be online as soon as that payment arrives, and my customers sites will be online as soon as the payment gets to the domain registrar.

I have a couple other interested people for later on already, and will be starting to do some more concerted networking now that the banks are no longer being a hassle. ;)

So, the business is going well so far.


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: Little Hawk
Date: 03 Apr 03 - 12:09 AM

Well, congratulations! I am sorry to report that Arnot (little brown dog) died. You remember him... He is being very much missed around here because he was such a character. I did a thread about it a couple of days ago. Valdy is still doing fine. Arnot was very old, and he died peacefully, as his heart just slowed down and stopped. I sure miss him.

- LH


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: hesperis
Date: 03 Apr 03 - 12:27 PM

Arnot was an ornery, blustery little character who will definitely be missed.

Now Valdy, is probably going to be immortal. He's too paranoid not to live forever.


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: CarolC
Date: 03 Apr 03 - 01:34 PM

Sounds great! Will you be posting your site for us to see when it's up and running?


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: hesperis
Date: 15 Apr 03 - 01:20 PM

Of course I'll post the link!

Would anyone have any thoughts about my making a CD of my music that has different/less music than I originally planned, in order to get enough sales going to fund getting a good computer and midi keyboard so I can finish the other songs? I really need good equipment for a couple songs... I've been struggling for over a year and just can't get them to sound right...

An online friend has a setup with certain software and sounds and is making stuff that really sounds AWESOME! But the software won't even run on my computer. :(

I'm thinking of selling the CD for $17-20 instead of $25, and making the liner notes be a download rather than printing them myself.


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: Little Hawk
Date: 15 Apr 03 - 02:01 PM

Sounds sensible to me...

News: My parents caved in and got another miniature brown dachshund. He's nice. His name is Rennie and he's 3 years old. He's very similar to Arnot in appearance, and is a bit worried right now with all the new stuff he's having to get used to.

Valdy barely acknowledges his existence, and seems basically unconcerned.

The snow is finally almost all gone. Yay!

- LH


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: hesperis
Date: 01 May 03 - 11:39 PM

So, welfare is threatening to cut me off if I don't get a birth certificate soon... I have one somewhere in ten boxes of stuff in Orillia... they will not give me money to replace it, and I would still need to get the signature of someone official who's known me for over 3 years.

My domain name supplier just sent me an email telling me I owe them $30 US because they do not accept money orders when I enquired BEFOREHAND and they told me they did accept them... they also already registered the domain names I had ordered, and I just sent another money order two days ago. So I've sent an email back asking what is going on.

I have an abscessed tooth, it's begun to get really painful, I'm sick, and I can't find housing cheap enough to live on that won't make me even more sick.

I have another customer's site to get up next week but now I don't know if the domain name will be registered since the supplier is telling me I owe them money for the previous ones...

I'm trying to find a grant or loan program to get for my business. There has to be something. If I got that I would have a credit card and I would transfer all my domains from this supplier to one that tells the truth about what forms of payment it accepts.


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: mg
Date: 02 May 03 - 08:04 PM

Do you have a college of dentistry nearby? Toronto must have them. Do they do cheap work by students? I have gone through the U. Washington and they were very good. Check this out at least. You need to take care of that tooth.

10 boxes is not that much. Can you get to Orallia tomorrow to go through them?

One problem at a time. I am sure someone will come up with suggestions on the money order thing.

mg


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: hesperis
Date: 15 May 03 - 04:21 PM

Money order thing hopefully dealt with, though in the most expensive way to me of course. (They're sending the previous ones back and I have to get refunds then buy new ones and mail those.) I'm not very impressed with the company. I have never heard of any bank refusing money, it seems rather insane to me.

The tooth situation is getting pretty urgent, however I found a place in TO that does free dental work for homeless people, I'll be trying to get an appointment there.

I'm looking for a room or apartment to share for June 1st, if anyone knows people in TO who are looking for rooms please let me know.

Business is going pretty well. I have an amazing deal right now for a Band website and one year of hosting (which would be good for musicians and composers as well).

The site is up at www.dragonstarnet.com, let me know what you think!


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: CarolC
Date: 15 May 03 - 08:28 PM

Very impressive!!!

(I hardly understood any of it, so it must be good ;-)


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: hesperis
Date: 20 May 03 - 03:43 AM

lol!

Hmmm... hope it wasn't too jargony... difficult not to be jargony when the subject itself involves terms like 'bandwidth' and 'php' though, I guess...


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: Doug_Remley
Date: 20 May 03 - 04:07 AM

Colleges for Medical problems are good as long as you allow grand tours to probe about. University of Michigan removed all my wisdom teeth for $5 by two wacky graduate students. For all their Stoges antics with hanners abd such it was quite painless!


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: Doug_Remley
Date: 20 May 03 - 04:10 AM

Geesh!!! The keyboard was moved, hope it is readable!!!


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: Amos
Date: 20 May 03 - 10:46 AM

Hesperis:

Very nice site, tres pro.

A


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: hesperis
Date: 22 May 03 - 08:26 AM

Thanks guys!


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: hesperis
Date: 27 Jul 03 - 08:54 AM

Ragweed season is coming up. I have to move at the end of this month because I made a poor choice of housing due to having no other place to go at that time.

I've been sick since I moved in. I've been so sick it's been difficult to look for a place as I'm only somewhat functional in the late evenings. Lately I've either been asleep and unable to wake up, or awake and unable to sleep. The timing of either makes it difficult to do anything important, or to set up an appointment as I never know which way will be which next.

I still need to go to the doctor and apply for disability, as I was asleep during the day all of the last month, even missing appointments.

I don't know what to do. I have no place to go, even shelters aren't going to be ragweed-proof. I seriously doubt I'm going to make it through this one.


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: hesperis
Date: 28 Jul 03 - 09:57 PM

Ok, this is it.

I need a minimum of two years to reach financial stability. I have three days. To afford market rent for a place that won't make me sick in itself I'd need to be earning at least $1000 a month. Market rent is at least twice what welfare "allows" for it, and if I earn money to help myself out then welfare will deduct anything after $145, which isn't enough to cover the difference between what they give and what my most barebones budget is.

I'm not going to make it through this one without a full-fledged miracle, and you know what? God doesn't help people who can't help themselves. I've asked everyone I can think of for help and no-one is able *and* willing to help, not even people who have disposable income at greater than $10000 a year. I can't find a place to go that won't make me sick and that I can actually afford, and now I'm sick again so can't look, even though over 99% of the places I've called in the last two months have not even called me back so there's not much point in looking. I won't even be able to pack until the fourth day, which is when I have to be out of here.

I've been relying on God and on other people for a year now, and people are sick of helping. So there goes God, too.

I just hope that the people in Aurora will be ok with taking my stuff, then maybe I'll have a chance to start again later if I'm still alive.

I need to live in a bubble and because of that I'm just not going to make it this time. There's nothing I can do anymore. I've tried everything.


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: wysiwyg
Date: 28 Jul 03 - 10:25 PM

I'm here, hess.

~S~


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: Ebbie
Date: 28 Jul 03 - 11:41 PM

hesperis, I don't understand. Don't you have a doctor? If you do have, isn't s/he aware of how desperate your situation is? Can't s/he put you in touch with an agency or some other kind of service? Surely with symptoms as severe as yours sound, there are things that can be done. There are other people with the same syndrome, I should think.

I may be wrong, but it sounds like you feel that you understand your body better than anyone else can and that no one else -especially the medical community- can help, but let's face it- that approach hasn't been terribly effective. Maybe it's time you took some anti-allergens and whatever else a doctor will prescribe.

OK, OK. None of my business. But you really can't come onto these threads and push all our buttons like that and not expect some kind of undesired response.


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: mg
Date: 29 Jul 03 - 12:46 AM

Go to the nearest hospital tomorrow. Ask to see their social worker. Tell her you will be hospitalized for months unless you find some decent housing. Perhaps she/he can help.

Are you losing your lease at this house or having to leave for health reasons?

Are you wearing face masks etc. against the pollen?

mg


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: hesperis
Date: 29 Jul 03 - 04:44 PM

Thanks Susan. Thanks Ebbie.

I'm not sick enough to go to a hospital for it, especially since they'll just try to give me certain medications that I am allergic to. I am a little unwilling to go to the establishment, please try to remember that this is after several years of doctors saying it's all in my head and I just need to get a job... those particular doctors were later divested of their jobs through class action lawsuits, but the resistance to that kind of abuse is still there and still associated with going to any doctor.

I'm not going to be well enough to walk to the community health place until tomorrow. If I don't do it tomorrow, feel free to kick me.

If the Aurora people can't come get my stuff then a friend is coming up on Thursday to help me move the stuff, I can stay with another friend for a couple of days.

So, 5 days for a miracle now, at least.


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: GUEST,mg
Date: 29 Jul 03 - 08:10 PM

If you feel sick enough to think you might die, which is the message I was reading, you are sick enough to go to a hospital and insist on help. Good luck with it all...mg


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: wysiwyg
Date: 30 Jul 03 - 09:22 AM

Sometimes our Hesperis just needs a safe place to vent and let her own excellent thinking clear up for making a new beginning... a place to be reminded that there are smart, loving people who believe in her. And that's true, here at Mudcat.

Hes, I want you to talk to our daughter who has had many of the same challenges and comes to them from the same age and maturity I see in you. She's made some serious progress in the last year.

One piece I can tell you, from what she has shared with me, is the following.

Sometimes you have to follow conventional advice and take conventional steps in order to get to the place where you can do what you want, what gives you joy, what fits how you are created as a person. You have to trust yourself and believe in your dream enough to give it only a small amount of care and feeding on a daily basis while you build the capacity for it.... spend enough time and energy each day to be self-sufficient, and use the energy this generates, to grow the dream.

A short way of saying this is to observe that there are many people who want to do web design and a music career, but for most of us this has to be a hobby. The people who end up being able to do them professionally come to them from a strong base of health and at least some financial stability.... there are no Medici's to sponsor the starving artist in our present society, so we have to equip ourselves and support ourselves.....

I'd love to have someone fund my existence so I could teach water fitness and do gospel music all day, but as it is, these can only occupy my leisure time right now and so they are hobbies-- gifts I undeniably have, but which I can only offer as gifts to others. There's a lot of joy in that.

Keep plugging away, sweetie.

~Susan


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: hesperis
Date: 30 Jul 03 - 04:18 PM

Went to the doctor. Have to go tomorrow to see a social worker who may be able to help with housing. The doctor is willing to give me a note that may help get me into subsidized housing faster than 5-7 years from now, but it may take a coule of months or so... I am also definitely applying for disability, and that would be enough for normal rent. That process takes at least 3 months for the initial application, which they usually refuse and you have to appeal until you get it.

So, I just have to survive ragweed season and I'll be in a much better place.

Still nothing for August though.


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: mg
Date: 30 Jul 03 - 09:18 PM

Excellent. Someone with your medical and financial problems just plain needs a social worker to cut through some of the red tape. You must take care of your basic needs first; the career stuff and art stuff can take a back burner until that happens, and it will. Then you will just soar...mg


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: harpgirl
Date: 31 Jul 03 - 01:09 PM

I agree with Susan's advice from yesterday, hesperis!( My God, it must be those witches doing witchcraft!!!!!)

How do you see your ideal lifestyle?


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: Marion
Date: 11 Aug 03 - 03:28 AM

What's happening, Hes?

Marion


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: hesperis
Date: 13 Aug 03 - 02:10 PM

What's happening:

I've been staying with a friend in a tiny bachelor apartment so that I would be able to look for a place more effectively.

I found a room which is very close to perfect, hopefully the roommates will be good to live with. It's newly renovated so I don't know them yet, they're students at UofT. Hopefully I can persuade the landlord to put in laundry machines, as that's the only thing it's missing. Affordable and highspeed net included! I'll actually be able to buy food!

I'm moving in tomorrow.

I got my first professional web design contract, and am very excited about it. It's for a creative project, too!

Allergies are the same as ever. If I'm outdoors or around outdoor air too much, I get really tired and various things hurt. The new place has central air conditioning and no-one smokes, so it's perfect! I'll be able to be healthy enough while indoors that I can go out and then recover later.

As for the library books, not yet, but if there are any fines I'll pay them of course.

*Hugs everybody* Things are looking up.


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: mg
Date: 14 Aug 03 - 12:53 AM

that's wonderful. You might hold off on the laundry machines..you might not do well with the various chemicals people have in their soaps etc...maybe better for now to rinse stuff out in the sink and hang up to dry..I have a little rack I use indoors if necessary. mg


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: Rick Fielding
Date: 16 Aug 03 - 10:49 PM

Hi Hes. Got your call but screwed up yout phone number. Can you leave another message?

Cheers

Rick


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: hesperis
Date: 17 Aug 03 - 02:19 AM

Hey, sorry, Rick! I should have called again after we met up with Hawk, duh.

I've given CarolC your number though. They'll be leaving in the morning sometime, hopefully you guys can meet up. I won't be awake in the morning.

They'll be heading back sometime soon, hopefully, just not with her son.


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: hesperis
Date: 07 Sep 03 - 11:03 AM

Ok, moved into the new place. Since it's got tiled floors, it's much better, although there's cockroaches and flies and it does smell a bit musty. However, I am feeling much stronger here, and it's got me through the worst part of ragweed. Now that the days are getting a little bit cooler, the smog won't be so bad and I'll be increasingly ok healthwise.

The roommates aren't working out that well, mostly because they don't really know English so I find it difficult to talk to them about what is needed around the apartment. (As in, no leaving yellow liquid on the toilet seat, please!) One roommate found this place so intolerable that she moved out, swapping with a friend. So now there's two males here. They both want the kitchen window to be open, though, and unfortunately the next-door neighbors smoke on their front porch, so I've gotten sick a few times from that when I've been too asleep to immediately close it when I smell that it's open. I've begged the guys to not open it, and even talked with the landlord, and nothing. :(

A friend of a friend would be a perfect roomie for me since he's allergic to the great outdoors, so I'm trying to persuade him to split the entire apartment with me. The rent would be higher, but the living situation woud be much more agreeable. Also, if we split it, there would be one spare bedroom that could be converted to a Games Room and also have a spare bed for when friends from out of town visit.

If the landlord and my two roommates don't go for it, then we'll be looking for a place for Oct or Nov.


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: GUEST
Date: 07 Sep 03 - 04:44 PM

Shucks do I have to be Conventional, Instutional, Dissilllusional


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: GUEST
Date: 07 Sep 03 - 04:46 PM

You can't we outside the tent - THEY will lock youup


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: wysiwyg
Date: 07 Sep 03 - 05:20 PM

The kitchen window is next to your bed? Or, your air cleaner and a closed bedroom door do not take care of it? Did you put a towel across the crack under the door?

Can you add a HEPA filter to the kitchen window opening?

Can someone help you make a little card to put in that wiondow that reads, "When you open this window, I get sick and maybe have to go to the hospital." Best would be a note from your doctor, translated into your roomies' language, saying something about it. Do you have any leftover prescriptions you can use creatively to make such a note?

As far as the yellow material-- well, guys are like that, ya gotta look before you sit, sweetie. Just be grateful they leave the seat down for you!

Suggestion-- be cautious about that "it would be perfect" mind set when you consider new plans. If you can make a new habit, of reducing your expectations, you may find the realities a little less dramatically disappointing. This will probably lead to making it a tad more comfortable to cope with other people's needs, for you-- and them. And you may find others more cooperative in the end result you want.

You don't need to be in survival-at-all-costs mode any more, tho I know you have been, many times. But now, you can afford to consider some of the community-making aspects of your present life.   Honest-- it's really safer than it feels. You ARE really stronger.

~S~


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: curmudgeon
Date: 07 Sep 03 - 06:27 PM

What language do your roomates have? Surely someone here can provide a translation to be made into signs and notes.


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: hesperis
Date: 08 Sep 03 - 08:52 AM

Well, the friend of a friend still wouldn't be perfect as in perfect... nothing is. However, I can actually talk to him as things come up, not waiting to find a translator and losing the moment when it might actually have any effect.

And... the biggest advantage is that there might be room for my friends to actually visit. There's no living room here, so trying to find "community" with two people who are either out or asleep or in their rooms studying... isn't really working.

Mutual friends and mutual interests, and mutual allergies... would make it likely that I'd stay here for quite a while, not just until December or so. With these roomies, there's no way I'd stay until spring. I've already tried talking to them. One... is not compassionate at ALL. The other... might be ok, but I can't entirely trust him because of how the other guy is behaving.

It might happen for November.

I just have to get through October.


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: wysiwyg
Date: 08 Sep 03 - 09:26 AM

.... so are you and the potential roomie talking now to hammer out what you both need and want and hope for-- making a set of basic agreements? It's the unspoken expectations that create problems.

Sometimes the best resolution, when you are hearing, "No, I can't do that." ... is... "OK, thanks for letting me know, so I can be prepared to find a solution for myself about it." Instead of relying on someone else to comply with what you want, you can form a mental habit of trusting yourself to be creative enough to find a way to work with the situation from your own end of it. Otherwise, you might as well be living in a bubble of isolation.

This will not only be true about roommates.... it's an attitude of self-reliance you will have to cultivate in yourself, as well, in the work and social environment, and there is only so much control you can exert in these.

And all that depends on learning a new, higher level of trust and concern about yourself, as you continue to get better-- behaving as though you are actually much stronger than you feel like you are, because now you look forward, not backwards-- see?-- to assume your own survival, and make decisions and take action from that place.

~Susan


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: hesperis
Date: 08 Sep 03 - 12:50 PM

I've talked to the potential roommate enough that he's aware of a lot of my issues, I'm aware of a lot of his issues, and I know that we're both willing to talk about adjusting to the things that come up.

The current roommates, or, one of them... is not even willing to talk.

I'm beginning to get a rash from the toilet here and have a slight infection as well. I am not a happy camper, and he doesn't give a damn.

The other roommate is tolerable, but... he's not exactly here enough for me to really talk to him.


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Subject: RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis
From: GUEST,zach
Date: 02 May 04 - 01:44 PM

i rely want a baby duck


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Mudcat time: 27 September 4:22 AM EDT

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