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You Know It's Not Going Anywhere When...

JudyR 03 Mar 02 - 05:24 PM
JudyR 03 Mar 02 - 05:21 PM
Celtic Soul 03 Mar 02 - 09:22 AM
kendall 03 Mar 02 - 09:19 AM
kendall 03 Mar 02 - 09:01 AM
M.Ted 03 Mar 02 - 01:44 AM
JudyR 03 Mar 02 - 12:59 AM
Phil Cooper 02 Mar 02 - 10:47 PM
Little Hawk 01 Mar 02 - 11:39 PM
kendall 01 Mar 02 - 10:52 PM
CarolC 01 Mar 02 - 10:43 PM
CarolC 01 Mar 02 - 10:41 PM
katlaughing 01 Mar 02 - 10:37 PM
Amergin 01 Mar 02 - 10:35 PM
Little Hawk 01 Mar 02 - 10:28 PM
kendall 01 Mar 02 - 10:10 PM
CapriUni 01 Mar 02 - 08:38 PM
GUEST 01 Mar 02 - 04:20 PM
JenEllen 01 Mar 02 - 03:37 PM
SharonA 01 Mar 02 - 03:19 PM
CapriUni 01 Mar 02 - 03:10 PM
SharonA 01 Mar 02 - 02:16 PM
CarolC 01 Mar 02 - 02:14 PM
CarolC 01 Mar 02 - 02:11 PM
M.Ted 01 Mar 02 - 01:50 PM
katlaughing 01 Mar 02 - 01:46 PM
CapriUni 01 Mar 02 - 12:35 PM
CarolC 01 Mar 02 - 11:53 AM
SharonA 01 Mar 02 - 10:58 AM
CapriUni 28 Feb 02 - 10:40 PM
Little Hawk 28 Feb 02 - 10:11 PM
GUEST,ET 28 Feb 02 - 09:00 PM
katlaughing 28 Feb 02 - 07:40 PM
Amergin 28 Feb 02 - 07:25 PM
katlaughing 28 Feb 02 - 07:22 PM
Herga Kitty 28 Feb 02 - 04:59 PM
kendall 28 Feb 02 - 02:46 PM
SharonA 28 Feb 02 - 02:11 PM
CapriUni 28 Feb 02 - 01:56 PM
Little Hawk 28 Feb 02 - 12:18 PM
SharonA 28 Feb 02 - 10:42 AM
Peg 28 Feb 02 - 09:53 AM
kendall 27 Feb 02 - 08:24 PM
hobbitwoman 27 Feb 02 - 07:44 PM
Chicken Charlie 27 Feb 02 - 07:39 PM
CapriUni 27 Feb 02 - 07:20 PM
Mickey191 27 Feb 02 - 07:13 PM
Little Hawk 27 Feb 02 - 07:04 PM
Helen 27 Feb 02 - 07:03 PM
Desdemona 27 Feb 02 - 06:56 PM
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Subject: RE: You Know It's Not Going Anywhere When...
From: JudyR
Date: 03 Mar 02 - 05:24 PM

I should also say that I thought (or heard) they'd come up from the south to earn a "living" this way. But that I don't know. And how long this continued, I also don't know. And of course, this gets us way off subject. But geez, M.Ted, the other guys don't ask ;) (just kidding!)


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Subject: RE: You Know It's Not Going Anywhere When...
From: JudyR
Date: 03 Mar 02 - 05:21 PM

That's funny, M.Ted! ;)

So now you've caught me in an exaggeration!! Oh, dear! No, truly -- I cannot say it was "every" street corner in D.C., but just those around the Capitol, and OK, I have just one memory of it. It was, I think, 1972, the first year I attended the American Folklife Festival on the Mall. I remember walking back from a diner, and seeing, of all things, old men in caps playing black bottleneck blues on the street corners around the White House. The "real" stuff -- Delta blues! Stuff I'd heard on record and never thought I'd come close to back in boring old L.A.. It floored me that there were places in this country to tap into authenticity that I'd never suspected. And I've never forgotten it.

And that long answer is why I probably could be a boring date!


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Subject: RE: You Know It's Not Going Anywhere When...
From: Celtic Soul
Date: 03 Mar 02 - 09:22 AM

Because I *do* have something to contribute here, does that mean I'm geezing??? :D

Woah...

On the to the chase: I not only dated, but completely ignored the following signs and got heavily involved with people who said the following:

"I was involved with a woman who was so completely in tune with me that her every move followed my own. She was like my shadow. I hope to have that again with you"

....He turned out to be a control freak who *expected* his mate to do and say everything his ex had done and said, which was everything he *wanted* her to do and say. A woman who dumped him, and now I know why. I followed suit and dumped him as well (in record time, I might add...must be I was getting persnickety by then).

"Playing pool and going to the bar isn't important to me anymore"

....Yeah, sure...until the bloom was off the relationship. Then, he lived there once again, and I was completely alone in a "relationship". It was the worst of both worlds, being involved with someone you never saw. You can't date when you're in a commited relationship, and so you have all the loneliness of someone who is single without hope of doing anything about it, unless...I dumped him. And so, I did...unfortunately for the guy described above (live and learn).

"I think it's in mens natures to play the field. I just can't handle the thought of my woman with another man, so, if it can't be a one way option only, I'll be faithful to make it fair."

This same guy came up with the term "Geographical Batchelor" to describe how a man, if a certain number of miles away from his mate, was no longer confined by his commitments.

....This blew up too, and I ended up with the guy listed above.

There is hope however!! I figured out some things I was doing wrong, and now I am a persnickety choosey old lady. I found a man who is actually in tune with me, and I with him, and does not treat me like window dressing to his own life or like property. How refreshing. It's been a few years now, and all is more than well with us.

Those other guys are now other peoples problems, and I am ecstatically happy in my own circumstances. :::contented sigh:::

So, being a picky, choosy, finicky old lady paid off in the long run. :D

Good luck to all you young types. Learn to be persnickety while your young, and maybe you can save yourselves some of the heartache we older folks put ourselves through until we became crotchity and picky.


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Subject: RE: You Know It's Not Going Anywhere When...
From: kendall
Date: 03 Mar 02 - 09:19 AM

when she says "As a matter of fact, I AM a republican, AND I play the Saxophone! True story.


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Subject: RE: You Know It's Not Going Anywhere When...
From: kendall
Date: 03 Mar 02 - 09:01 AM

...you gotta talk my language, it's the only one I know...George Ward.


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Subject: RE: You Know It's Not Going Anywhere When...
From: M.Ted
Date: 03 Mar 02 - 01:44 AM

Tell us about the blues singers, Judy!


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Subject: RE: You Know It's Not Going Anywhere When...
From: JudyR
Date: 03 Mar 02 - 12:59 AM

You know it's not going to go anywhere after a date or two, when you finally get the nerve to drop some bit of treasured history about yourself -- like, that you used to go down to the Appalachians to hear mountain music, or you remember when every street corner in D.C. had black blues singers -- and he counters with something about himself. Like that he heard soul singers at some club a coupla times. Or all the time. Or that his friend is in the music business. Or that, hey, Judy Collins was great. Or whatever.


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Subject: RE: You Know It's Not Going Anywhere When...
From: Phil Cooper
Date: 02 Mar 02 - 10:47 PM

I knew things were over when I was supposed to pick up my significant other's son to go to a music session. There was a break down in communication between her, the ex, and the son (age 7, so not his fault) and I suddenly got caught in the middle. A voice in the back of my head said, "I don't want to do this anymore." She suggested a couple weeks later that we break up, I just said, "OK." I knew things were changing when the tune in my head when I was with her changed from "45 Years, " to alternating between Richard Thompson's "Walking on a Wire" to Roy Harper's "I'll see you again."


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Subject: RE: You Know It's Not Going Anywhere When...
From: Little Hawk
Date: 01 Mar 02 - 11:39 PM

This degree of candidnacity is a bit more than I had expectatated, and it has left me feeling a bit disorientated! Why can't you people cognitiate and mentalitize more clarificaciously around here and just get striaghtaways to the mainpointedness of the matter?

Yeah, I skimmed through a whole bunch of romance novels that were lying around the place last year...western ones, gothic ones, Elizabethan ones, etc. Hilarious stuff! I recommend doing this now and then to give the gray cells a little comic relief.

Carol - EVERYONE has ended up with one or two less than sterling characters! Romance novels are clearly not the entire reason for it, but I wonder if they are a significant contributing factor? Ever seen "Romancing The Stone"? Great movie.

"Joan Wilder??? THE Joan Wilder???!!!"

- LH


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Subject: RE: You Know It's Not Going Anywhere When...
From: kendall
Date: 01 Mar 02 - 10:52 PM

Know where it all starts? Fairy Tales! It's never a matter of "Them" it is always "Us" so many people are unwilling or unable to admit that it is a matter of dynamics. We should always ask of ourselves, "What is/was MY role in this"?


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Subject: RE: You Know It's Not Going Anywhere When...
From: CarolC
Date: 01 Mar 02 - 10:43 PM

Oops! Did I say Lucy? I meant LH.


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Subject: RE: You Know It's Not Going Anywhere When...
From: CarolC
Date: 01 Mar 02 - 10:41 PM

I've never read a romance novel in my life, but I've ended up with one or two less than sterling characters. And not on purpose, either.

'splain that to me Lucy


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Subject: RE: You Know It's Not Going Anywhere When...
From: katlaughing
Date: 01 Mar 02 - 10:37 PM

Ah, but he is only that way because his heart was once broken and he dare never risk it, again, until...she comes along, then she must break through his reserve to challenge him to lay bare his soul and courageously open his heart so that they may ride off into the sunset together, forever bound in happiness.

It's the same thing as telly did to woman in all men thinking each should be a "Donna Reed." We've done it to ourselves, as a society, PLUS some just get off on escapist plots. Most women know life is nt like the romance novels, but a little dreaming doesn't usually hurt. and I do speak in all candidness, not being one bit candidnatious!**BG**


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Subject: RE: You Know It's Not Going Anywhere When...
From: Amergin
Date: 01 Mar 02 - 10:35 PM

sounds like you have read quite alot of them, LH.....


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Subject: RE: You Know It's Not Going Anywhere When...
From: Little Hawk
Date: 01 Mar 02 - 10:28 PM

Yeah, Kendall...It's interesting to browse through a few romance novels, and see what the "ideal" man is, apparently, to the women who buy those novels...

He's tall and mysterious, and usually rich. He's a rascal. He's sardonic, troublesome, and appears to be a bad risk, but he's very good looking and fascinating at the same time. The poor girl can't stand his arrogant self-assurance, but she finds herself irresistably drawn to him nonetheless...

Now in real life this kind of guy (rare as hen's teeth, they are) is usually exactly what you would expect him to be...an egomaniacal jerk! But in romance novels he turns out ultimately to be an absolutely sterling character, a hero, and the faithful love of her life...after driving her mad for 100 pages with his sardonic and mysterious behaviour.

It may be these crazy romance novels that are leading all those poor girls astray, and causing them to end up with jerks! Something should be done.... :-)

- LH


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Subject: RE: You Know It's Not Going Anywhere When...
From: kendall
Date: 01 Mar 02 - 10:10 PM

About 20 years ago a woman I was quite fond of told me it wouldn't work because I wasn't evil enough. There was nothing to "fix". We have remained close friends all these years, but she married a "challenge" and he screwed her over big time. Whenever I see some broken hearted woman in Dear Abby complaining that all men are bastards, this one did this and that one did that, I'm tempted to reply, "Wake up, stop seeking out the same kind of man"! I firmly believe that women like that dont really want a good man; good men are boring, dont give them a second look. Now, ladies, I speak from a man's point of view, and, I'm sure you can say the same about men. I repeat, it's not so much a matter of good and bad, but, more a matter of "appropriate" or "inappropriate" You may sowsle* it around all you want; water and oil simply do not mix.

* to mix or stir


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Subject: RE: You Know It's Not Going Anywhere When...
From: CapriUni
Date: 01 Mar 02 - 08:38 PM

re: the vocabulary discussion --

You know it isn't going to work well when he tells you you must be lonely because you use too many big words to have a normal conversation with anyone.

(the biggest word I used with this particular fellow was "intellectually")

I'd breathe a sigh of relief... but that wasn't even a close call!


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Subject: RE: You Know It's Not Going Anywhere When...
From: GUEST
Date: 01 Mar 02 - 04:20 PM

Candor: (kaen dEr)

   Definition 1. the quality of openness, honesty, and straightforwardness in expression.

   Example   Her candor made me trust her, unfortunately.

   Synonyms   openness {open (adj 5)} , straightforwardness {straightforward (adj 1)} , sincerity , frankness {frank1 (adj 1)} , openheartedness {openhearted (1)}

   Crossref. Syn.   honesty

   Similar Words   plain dealing , directness {direct (adj)} , explicitness {explicit (adj)} , bluntness {blunt (adj)} , truthfulness {truthful} , forthrightness {forthright (adj)} , honesty    Definition 2. lack of bias; fair-mindedness.    Synonyms   candidness {candid (adj 3)} , impartiality {impartial} , fairness {fair1 (adj 1)} , fair-mindedness {fair-minded}    Similar Words   equitableness {equitable} , square shooting {square shooter} , evenhandedness {evenhanded} , justness ,


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Subject: RE: You Know It's Not Going Anywhere When...
From: JenEllen
Date: 01 Mar 02 - 03:37 PM

I thought it was candor as well, but some of the woids that folks'll come up with when they are being candidnacious...*bg*

How about when he goes to a session with you (could be a good thing, granted) and then grins and whispers in your ear "Hey, I know this one...Whiskey In the Jar...that's the one that Metallica wrote..." sigh.


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Subject: RE: You Know It's Not Going Anywhere When...
From: SharonA
Date: 01 Mar 02 - 03:19 PM

I'd thought the word was "candor". Can "candor" and "candidness" be used interchangeably?


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Subject: RE: You Know It's Not Going Anywhere When...
From: CapriUni
Date: 01 Mar 02 - 03:10 PM

Kat --

Yes... According to the dictionary, the word is "Candidness"... but that doesn't have the same ring to it, does it? ;-)

Sorry for thread drift. Now, back to the regularly scheduled subject:

You know it will never go any further when it starts as an Instant Message[tm] with these words:

"Are you a hot babe?"


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Subject: RE: You Know It's Not Going Anywhere When...
From: SharonA
Date: 01 Mar 02 - 02:16 PM

MTed: A wedding invitation would've been easier to ignore. And the guy had the noive to tell me this at a party at his sister's... and yes, the fiancee was at the party too!!! You're absolutely right, Carol; "dolt" is just the word!

Sharon the Single But Doltless


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Subject: RE: You Know It's Not Going Anywhere When...
From: CarolC
Date: 01 Mar 02 - 02:14 PM

Anyway, there's no reason for her to know that she was the reason he decided to marry someone else. Anyone with a sense of honor, and compassion for the feelings of others will know this. So she's lucky she didn't marry someone who is that insensitive and lacking in integrity.


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Subject: RE: You Know It's Not Going Anywhere When...
From: CarolC
Date: 01 Mar 02 - 02:11 PM

How about neither?


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Subject: RE: You Know It's Not Going Anywhere When...
From: M.Ted
Date: 01 Mar 02 - 01:50 PM

Is it better to find out when they thank you profusely, or when you get a wedding invitation?


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Subject: RE: You Know It's Not Going Anywhere When...
From: katlaughing
Date: 01 Mar 02 - 01:46 PM

CU, I thought the same thing when I wrote that, but I liked it better than "thank you for being so candid."**BG** Perhaps it should have been "candidness." Ah, well, I like to use language differently.:-)

I thought some of you might enjoy a couple of the things in this list: old posting


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Subject: RE: You Know It's Not Going Anywhere When...
From: CapriUni
Date: 01 Mar 02 - 12:35 PM

LOL!! Yeah, that would be a clue...


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Subject: RE: You Know It's Not Going Anywhere When...
From: CarolC
Date: 01 Mar 02 - 11:53 AM

Sounds like a dolt. Aren't you glad he didn't ask you?


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Subject: RE: You Know It's Not Going Anywhere When...
From: SharonA
Date: 01 Mar 02 - 10:58 AM

...when the guy thanks you profusely because dating you has made him realize that he wants to marry some other woman to whom he's just proposed.


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Subject: RE: You Know It's Not Going Anywhere When...
From: CapriUni
Date: 28 Feb 02 - 10:40 PM

Kat, when you wrote:

"Thank you for your candidacy" I thought: I'm not running for anything!

But on second thought... maybe I am. ;-)

It's not painful to write about, though... more painful to white knuckle it and pretend that everything is hunky-dory... after all, I am a writer!

Yeah, hugs are important, and I've been told mine are dangerous! But I don't believe it. ;-) [so is music -- and you know those rafters would ring!] Say, 'Catters, watcha say we start up a collection for Kat's hundred acres (and Pooh and Piglet could come, too!)?

Peg (sorry I didn't reply to this earlier), you wrote: "Being handicapped need not leave you out of the love game, any more than being able-bodied means you're automatically in it. "

Oh, I never meant to imply that it did... I was simply replying to M.Ted's: "You know it isn't going to work out when they tell you they've never been married and have lived alone since college, 17 years ago--", trying to make the point that such a broad catagory cuts out a lot of people, at least a few of whom might make wonderful partners (myself included). I don't ask for much... only someone who will recognize my genius (and someone who has a genius I can recognize!) ;-).

But we seem to be living what I call a "sit-com culture" that devides people into distinct groups, and paints them with broad brushes. Constantly bumping into the consequences of that is rather frustrating. That's all.

For what it's worth, I am really deeply grateful to have grown up with a disability, because it's something that shaped my personality in many positive ways, among which:

1) It's given me a strong and abiding faith in the basic goodness and generosity of people (If you can go through your days and weeks without having to ask for help, it may be easy to believe that no one would give that help even if you did ask for it... but in all my years, no matter what scrape I've found myself in, big or small, there was always someone who was willing to help me out, often without my asking).

2) It freed me from much of that nasty teen-aged peer pressure -- because I couldn't be just like my peers in small ways, and I still had many friends, I knew I didn't need to be like my peers in bigger ways. So I just didn't feel the pressure to drink or do drugs or sex, or...

3) It gave me an incentive to really play with language, and led me directly to being a writer.


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Subject: RE: You Know It's Not Going Anywhere When...
From: Little Hawk
Date: 28 Feb 02 - 10:11 PM

Good point, ET. I think Spaw could come up with some beauties on that concept, if we could only entice him out to play. I'm too tired for more brainstorming tonight.

- LH


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Subject: RE: You Know It's Not Going Anywhere When...
From: GUEST,ET
Date: 28 Feb 02 - 09:00 PM

Little Hawk - Who has to go to the expense of actually putting the ad in? Just, PLEASE< PLEASE, do some late-night brainstorming (with friends or here) and write up the responses you would have gotten!

I (and probably everyone else on this thread) want to hear that ditty!!!! After all, who was it (Heinlein?) said never distinguish a good lie with any portion of truth? ET


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Subject: RE: You Know It's Not Going Anywhere When...
From: katlaughing
Date: 28 Feb 02 - 07:40 PM

Soon as I get those 100 acres, Nathandarlin':-) Think that'll give us enough room?


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Subject: RE: You Know It's Not Going Anywhere When...
From: Amergin
Date: 28 Feb 02 - 07:25 PM

Katdarling....I thought we did have one....weren't we all going to move in with you?


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Subject: RE: You Know It's Not Going Anywhere When...
From: katlaughing
Date: 28 Feb 02 - 07:22 PM

Boy, I am reading some distrubing generalisations and nasty assumptions about either sexes; what seemed like a funny thread, at first, seems to have become quite raw, poignant, sad, etc.

CapriUni, thank you for your candidacy; I would imagine these are painful things to write about. I admire your courage and honesty. Hugs are important; human touch is important. I sure wish we did have a Mudcat Central 3D community; hugs would abound!

kat


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Subject: RE: You Know It's Not Going Anywhere When...
From: Herga Kitty
Date: 28 Feb 02 - 04:59 PM

They're married and unavailable and you don't even fancy them.....

Kitty

PS if anyone knows otherwise, you can post to the "you know it's going somewhere" thread!


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Subject: RE: You Know It's Not Going Anywhere When...
From: kendall
Date: 28 Feb 02 - 02:46 PM

Being attracted to unavailable women/men seems to be quite common. Maybe there is something to this Oedipus complex?


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Subject: RE: You Know It's Not Going Anywhere When...
From: SharonA
Date: 28 Feb 02 - 02:11 PM

CapriUni: As long as there's testosterone, we'll never get past all that $#%& !!! (...maybe some of it, but never all...)


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Subject: RE: You Know It's Not Going Anywhere When...
From: CapriUni
Date: 28 Feb 02 - 01:56 PM

Sharon --

I know that personals are an unnatural way to meet, but since I don't drive or work outside my home, I don't have much opportunity to easily meet people face to face... even a simple trip to the library needs to be planned a day or two in advance. So I use email and internet forums to 'screen' people. If there is interest and 'clicking' going on that lasts a while, then I'll take the effort to plan out where and when we should meet, rather then spend several hours getting ready only to go through a blind date that dies in ten minutes and leaves a sour taste in my mouth (And perhaps leaves me in a place where there is no wheelchair accessible bathroom)....

Since I am also very verbal in 3-d space, I think I come across even more as my real self in cyberspace than a first meeting in the open air -- people see my mind before they see my hardware. If a guy can't get interested in me in writing, chances are he won't like me any more in person.

I have a few techniques I use to make up for the lack of context in electronic meeting:

1) give links to my favorite web pages, newsgroups, and forums (including Mudcat), and ask for the same from a new contact... that way, he can see how I act toward others before I met him, and vice-versa...

2) arranging to "meet" in an on-line chat room that focuses on a shared interest we both (claim) to have -- that way, we can chat with each other without having to talk only to each other (almost like going out to a club)

3) [And this last one takes a lot of trust and patience... if you can get through this, you have a clue that it might be for real] Work on a creative project together: take turns writing scenes in a story (for example) with one of you coming up with a problem, and the next person coming up with a solution, and a new problem -- a bit like the exercise Spartacus posted here. This really brings your different thinking and problem solving styles to the surface. If the two of you can respond with flexibility and creativity to the unexpected directions your 'partner' will take the project in, there's at least a decent chance you'll be able to do the same in real life.

Health Warning: this excercise can also bring your own nasty character flaws to the surface. If you are not ready to look under the rocks in your own soul to see what's crawling there, do not attempt!

~~~

Generally, I am very happy with my life as a single woman (I also live with cats >^..^<), but it has been a long, cold lonely winter (RIP, George Harrison). Besides the onslaught of September 11, death took some dear friends and family members in 2001, and in the quiet moments of my day, I often hear one phrase running on the tape loop of my mind: "I need a hug".

My kittles love me dearly, and I them, but their front legs are just too short for them to give me what I need... though they try. So I've been taking what initiative I can to try and remedy this situation, and in the process, I've recently seen how much prejudice there is out there against the disabled (often being non-disabled and of a certain age are the only qualifications these men ask for), even in men that otherwise come across as intelligent, articulate, and thoughtful... no great loss, since even if I weren't disabled, I wouldn't want to hang out with such men, anyway. But it gets discouraging (I honestly thought we were getting past all that explitive stuff), and yesterday, my patience temporarily ran out...


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Subject: RE: You Know It's Not Going Anywhere When...
From: Little Hawk
Date: 28 Feb 02 - 12:18 PM

I thought once of placing a personals ad in the Barrie Examiner for a lonely sheep looking for male companionship, just to see who would respond. My friend Mike and I were laughing about it, but we never went ahead with the ad (We're too cheap!). I bet it would have gotten a few responses, and I imagine they would have been a hoot to read.

- LH


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Subject: RE: You Know It's Not Going Anywhere When...
From: SharonA
Date: 28 Feb 02 - 10:42 AM

CapriUni: I surely can understand not wanting to be pigeonholed, and I was unaware of the "devotee" problem (thanks for the heads-up about that!). Just because the disabled-singles dating service worked for one person I know certainly doesn't mean it's right for everyone. Sorry!

Personally, I'm uncomfortable with dating services and personal ads, for the reasons mentioned above. I've flitted in and out of local "themed" singles groups, where at least you can chat with people face-to-face in a casual setting without the sense of being "on a mission". There's a local group that meets once a month for a walk through a state park and also arranges get-togethers such as camping trips, so that one's been enjoyable as a means of getting out and doing things as well as a means of meeting people.

As a person who has a couple of chronic diseases, my dilemma is a bit different from Capri's: I appear to be able-bodied but I'm not! When I have a lupus "flare-up" and the arthritic symptoms kick in and I start hobbling as if I'm twice as old as I am, it's a definite turn-off to potential partners (not surprisingly!). I think it sometimes makes them feel betrayed somehow, too, even though I'm up-front with everyone about my medical problems. But I'm starting to take the attitude that if the guy isn't interested enough in me to do a little reading about my diseases (which is easy enough to do on www.webmd and similar sites), then I know it's not going anywhere.

Sharon


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Subject: RE: You Know It's Not Going Anywhere When...
From: Peg
Date: 28 Feb 02 - 09:53 AM

CapriUni; I think you should be more optimistic. Being handicapped need not leave you out of the love game, any more than being able-bodied means you;re automatically in it.

I am similar to you in that I am 38, have a lot of cats, live alone, and have no man in my life. But I am also able-bodied (and thankful). And not terribly lonely, really. It's kind of like assuming that peope who have lots of money must be happier than those of us who don't. I think we have all seen that is not true.

The last couple of men I have been involved with have simply been unavailable; one is married and in an open marriage; so I can only ever have one small compartment of his life...the other got very suddenly married not long after we started seeing each other (to a woman in another country who he introduced in conversation as "the girl I'm seeing," and with whom he had an open relationship).

The personals scene seems so unnatural to me. I have tried it a few times. I get overwhelmed by so many replies and don't end up calling any of them. Have been chatting with a few guys online--but typed conversation is not an effective barometer of how well you might actually communicate, IMHO.

I have received replies to my online personal ads with erotic love poetry contained therein, with long passionate missives about how I am the only one for them, etc etc. This is scary.

peg


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Subject: RE: You Know It's Not Going Anywhere When...
From: kendall
Date: 27 Feb 02 - 08:24 PM

I have a friend who used to be in the used car business. He had a saying, "There is an ass for every seat." No matter how beat up it is, someone will buy it.

I believe that it is mostly a matter of appropriate or inappropriate.


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Subject: RE: You Know It's Not Going Anywhere When...
From: hobbitwoman
Date: 27 Feb 02 - 07:44 PM

Little Hawk asked, "What's wrong with being single??"

After reading this thread, I'd say nothing - it sounds like the way to go to me!! I haven't had a date in 26 yrs. - granted, I was married for 15 of them but that's beside the point. Been single again for 11 and I'm happy! Oh, and my late husband did ask me to marry him on the third date - but being a mature 20 yr. old at the time, I made him wait another week before I said yes!

Don't think I'll ever get married again - MUCH too set in my ways - but if I do, it will be to a man who loves folk music, cats... and can make me laugh!!

Do I live alone? Not really! I have the afore-mentioned cat, and a 25 yr. old son who moved out once for 3 months, ran out of clean clothes, moved back in again and shows no sign of leaving! So I guess that's not alone.

Annie


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Subject: RE: You Know It's Not Going Anywhere When...
From: Chicken Charlie
Date: 27 Feb 02 - 07:39 PM

Simplest indicator I know was shared by my good friend Gene, quite a devoted blues guitar player. He knew an otherwise hopeful relationship was headed nowhere when the lady explained that she didn't like it when he bent the strings. (After all, this is Mudcat; we have to have SOME music in here.)

I had a variant of the astrology deal where the lady consulted the I Ching to see what she should do. Either one is a great excuse to blow off your own responsibility for making decisions and just enjoy life as a loose cannon.

Bottom line, though, is it's one thing to rationally compile lists of indicators and another thing to pay attention to that list; that's probably why I broke up with my totally compatible soul mate and will probably stay with my incompatible other half forever, or until death do us part, whichever happens first.

CC


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Subject: RE: You Know It's Not Going Anywhere When...
From: CapriUni
Date: 27 Feb 02 - 07:20 PM

SharonA --

No, I've not tried disabled singles services. But that's because I'm wary of being pigeonholed into a type on the one hand, and getting into an abusive relationship on the other (There are people who are sexually attracted to disabled people [called "devotees"] who get off on the power they can wield in the relationship).

When I was in college, there was a youngish paraplegic man who was the son of one of staffmembers there... so ruggedly handsome that even the straight men turned their heads when he came in the room. He didn't go to school there, but he would sometimes come in to visit his mother or to study in the library. There were two young women in my dorm who kept trying to get me and another disabled dormmate to go out with him, saying he was so much my "type" (the only thing we had in common is that we both use wheelchairs). My dormmate did give in to their "suggestion", briefly, and went out on a few dates with him, but it just led to awkward embarrassment on both sides.

It seemed to me to be pretty clear that these two were attracted to him themselves, but held to the belief that the disabled should only go out with their "own kind" ... and the prejudice they showed just sickened me (they'd feign friendship in order to bum a ride to school with us in the security car when it was snowing, and ingore, or say snide side comments about us within our hearing the rest of the time).

The memory of that experience just left a sour taste in my mouth, and I'd rather use a singles service open to the "general public".

M.Ted -- I know my life history is the result of circumstance, rather than a set of personal flaws. The problem is figuring out how to be seen as a whole person, rather than a set of catagories labeled as "marginal", or "other".

I'm a subscriber to an online singles service now, that shows you potentional matches, and the percentage of compatibility. So far, most of what I've gotten has been 99%, and almost to a man, the missing 1% has been that they're not interested in meeting someone who is disabled. Makes me wonder if guys are looking at my ad, see that I'm disabled, and don't read any further to my natural wit, charm, and humor.... I can't know for sure, of course, but it's a frustrating, nagging thought in the back of my mind. And it also leads me to wonder if that is happening in the three dimensional world as well.

Oh, and so that my contributions to this thread consist of more than just me whining about being alone:

You know it's not going anywhere when:

A man replies to your personal ad with (and only with): "I ned ur love. My life deepens on it!"

(Call me picky. But I will not bother with any man that can not be bothered to spell out "you" and "your". If I will not be seen as a whole person, I at least deserve the dignity of a whole word! :-P)


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Subject: RE: You Know It's Not Going Anywhere When...
From: Mickey191
Date: 27 Feb 02 - 07:13 PM

She says, "Don't touch me."


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Subject: RE: You Know It's Not Going Anywhere When...
From: Little Hawk
Date: 27 Feb 02 - 07:04 PM

Right on, Des.

- LH


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Subject: RE: You Know It's Not Going Anywhere When...
From: Helen
Date: 27 Feb 02 - 07:03 PM

For a really enlightening read about dating, from a phuysiological and anthropological viewpoint, as well as from the angle of finding the right person to share your life with:

Dr Winnifred Cutler, Searching for Courtship. http://www.athenainstitute.com/sfc.html

The blurb says it is a book for women, but having read and re-read it I think it is useful for everyone.

I've lent out my copy of this to every woman I know who has ever expressed bewilderment over dating or an interest in how to make it work out for the best.

Usual disclaimers: no interest in the company, blah blah

Helen


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Subject: RE: You Know It's Not Going Anywhere When...
From: Desdemona
Date: 27 Feb 02 - 06:56 PM

I think it's all too easy for people who've made a particular lifestyle choice to (often inadvertently, I'm sure) narrow their circle of acquaintance to others in similar circumstances. I'm 37, married nearly 16 years, w/3 kids; I have lots of friends who are also married w/kids, BUT I also have lots of single friends, unmarried w/partner (either sex) friends, couples without kids friends, friends whose kids have grown & gone, grandparent friends, college student friends, etc, etc....(y'all get my point, methinks!).

It's important to maintain relationships of all sorts with a wide variety of people; otherwise life would be so much less interesting & we'd miss out on learning a lot! A big part of being a "grown up" of any age is understanding what is right for you, and letting others make those choices for themselves! People who insist that all their friends MUST settle down & pair off in order to be happy do them a disservice; just as those who choose not to make babies have a right not to be continually told how they "should" do or they'll be sorry later, or are selfish, etc.

Vive les differences, sez I!


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