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Campsite at Drumcree III

Fibula Mattock 05 Feb 02 - 05:47 AM
GUEST,Travel Brochure 05 Feb 02 - 05:56 AM
GUEST,Advertising Hoarding 05 Feb 02 - 06:17 AM
GUEST,Advertising Hoarding 05 Feb 02 - 06:22 AM
GUEST,Advertising Hoarding 05 Feb 02 - 06:25 AM
Joe Offer 05 Feb 02 - 06:25 AM
GUEST,Advertising Hoarding 05 Feb 02 - 06:31 AM
GUEST,Like -Minded Pedant 05 Feb 02 - 06:37 AM
GUEST,Scottish Advertising Site 05 Feb 02 - 06:58 AM
GUEST,Prof Beardygub, Head of Folk Music Studies, 05 Feb 02 - 07:00 AM
GUEST,Prof Hairychops 05 Feb 02 - 07:28 AM
GUEST,The Websites Commission 05 Feb 02 - 07:37 AM
GUEST,Harry McGarry, Solicitors (obo DMSE Ltd) 05 Feb 02 - 07:42 AM
GUEST,The Websites Commission 05 Feb 02 - 07:51 AM
GUEST,Tannoy Announcement 05 Feb 02 - 08:01 AM
GUEST,NEWSFLASH!!!! 05 Feb 02 - 08:10 AM
GUEST,Portydown Barracks 05 Feb 02 - 08:54 AM
GUEST,NEWSFLASH!!!! 05 Feb 02 - 09:14 AM
GUEST,Liam Clancy 05 Feb 02 - 09:49 AM
GUEST,Christy Moore 05 Feb 02 - 10:32 AM
GUEST,Drumcree MegaSession Enterprises Limited 05 Feb 02 - 10:55 AM
GUEST,Christy Moore 05 Feb 02 - 11:20 AM
GUEST,Christy Moore 05 Feb 02 - 11:44 AM
GUEST,Andy Irvine 05 Feb 02 - 11:49 AM
GUEST,Christy Moore 05 Feb 02 - 12:02 PM
GUEST,Belfast Tele 05 Feb 02 - 12:34 PM
GUEST,Belfast Tele: Corrections and Clarifications 05 Feb 02 - 01:00 PM
GUEST,ta2 05 Feb 02 - 01:35 PM
GUEST,Christy Moore 05 Feb 02 - 03:36 PM
GUEST 05 Feb 02 - 08:10 PM
GUEST,John Paul II 05 Feb 02 - 08:52 PM
alison 06 Feb 02 - 12:23 AM
GUEST,Daniel O'Donnell's Ma 06 Feb 02 - 04:11 AM
GUEST,Mammy Clannad 06 Feb 02 - 04:14 AM
GUEST,Johnny Logan's Mother 06 Feb 02 - 04:16 AM
GUEST,Brush Shiels' Ma 06 Feb 02 - 04:20 AM
GUEST,Old Mother Morrison 06 Feb 02 - 04:24 AM
GUEST,Mrs Doyle 06 Feb 02 - 04:34 AM
GUEST,Brid Brennan 06 Feb 02 - 05:32 AM
GUEST,The Dubliners feat. Shane MacGowan 06 Feb 02 - 06:31 AM
GUEST,Mrs Clannad 06 Feb 02 - 06:33 AM
GUEST,Liam Neeson's Ma 06 Feb 02 - 06:35 AM
GUEST,The Pogues 06 Feb 02 - 08:02 AM
GUEST,Mrs Clannad 06 Feb 02 - 08:05 AM
GUEST,Amanda Burton's Mawr 06 Feb 02 - 08:08 AM
GUEST,The Pogues 06 Feb 02 - 09:01 AM
GUEST,Local Lad 1 06 Feb 02 - 09:03 AM
GUEST,Local Lad 2 06 Feb 02 - 09:05 AM
GUEST,Local Lad 3 06 Feb 02 - 09:07 AM
GUEST,Sinéad O'Connor 06 Feb 02 - 11:36 AM
GUEST,Mrs Clannad 06 Feb 02 - 11:40 AM
GUEST,Brendan Bowyer's Ma 06 Feb 02 - 11:43 AM
GUEST,The Pope's Ma 06 Feb 02 - 05:01 PM
GUEST,Sinéad O'Connor 07 Feb 02 - 04:22 AM
GUEST,Arty McGlynn 07 Feb 02 - 05:00 AM
GUEST,Liam Óg O'Flynn 07 Feb 02 - 05:02 AM
GUEST,Donal Lunny 07 Feb 02 - 06:25 AM
GUEST,Liam Óg O'Flynn's Da 07 Feb 02 - 06:28 AM
GUEST,Donal Lunny's Da 07 Feb 02 - 06:30 AM
alison 07 Feb 02 - 06:42 AM
GUEST,The Dubliners 07 Feb 02 - 06:51 AM
GUEST,Donal Lunny 07 Feb 02 - 09:24 AM
GUEST,News at 10 07 Feb 02 - 09:53 AM
GUEST,NEWSFLASH!!!! 07 Feb 02 - 10:01 AM
GUEST,Christy Moore 07 Feb 02 - 10:05 AM
GUEST,UTV Live 07 Feb 02 - 10:09 AM
GUEST,Derek Bell 07 Feb 02 - 10:14 AM
GUEST,Christy Moore 07 Feb 02 - 10:18 AM
GUEST,Real Mudcatter 07 Feb 02 - 10:19 AM
GUEST,Enya 07 Feb 02 - 10:21 AM
GUEST,Derek Bell 07 Feb 02 - 10:22 AM
GUEST,Sadie the tea woman 07 Feb 02 - 10:26 AM
GUEST,Belfast Tele 07 Feb 02 - 10:30 AM
GUEST,Wullie Doyle 07 Feb 02 - 10:36 AM
GUEST,Dervish 07 Feb 02 - 10:48 AM
GUEST,Irish News 07 Feb 02 - 10:52 AM
GUEST,N.I. Green Party Rep 07 Feb 02 - 10:52 AM
GUEST,W.B. Yeats 07 Feb 02 - 11:39 AM
GUEST,Gerry Adams 07 Feb 02 - 11:44 AM
GUEST,David Trimble 07 Feb 02 - 11:48 AM
GUEST,WB Yeats 07 Feb 02 - 11:50 AM
GUEST,Seamus Mallon 07 Feb 02 - 02:25 PM
GUEST,Brian Downey 07 Feb 02 - 02:45 PM
GUEST,Scene from Stormont 07 Feb 02 - 07:23 PM
GUEST,Meanwhile back at the ranch ... 08 Feb 02 - 04:05 AM
GUEST,Donal Lunny 08 Feb 02 - 04:09 AM
GUEST,David Trimble's pimple 08 Feb 02 - 04:15 AM
GUEST,Liam Óg O'Flynn 08 Feb 02 - 04:18 AM
GUEST,Liam Óg O'Flynn's Da 08 Feb 02 - 04:22 AM
GUEST,Donal Lunny 08 Feb 02 - 04:32 AM
GUEST,A spokesman from the Bodhran industry 08 Feb 02 - 04:33 AM
GUEST,A STATEMENT FROM THE DECOMMISSIONING BODY 08 Feb 02 - 04:44 AM
GUEST,Malachy Kearns 08 Feb 02 - 05:10 AM
GUEST,Nanny O'Goat 08 Feb 02 - 05:22 AM
GUEST,NEWSFLASH!!!! 08 Feb 02 - 05:29 AM
GUEST,Newsflash! 08 Feb 02 - 05:29 AM
GUEST,NEWSFLASH!!!! 08 Feb 02 - 05:38 AM
GUEST,"SAVE THE DRUM" leaflet 08 Feb 02 - 05:44 AM
GUEST,Newsflash! 08 Feb 02 - 06:03 AM
GUEST,Malachy Kearns 08 Feb 02 - 06:04 AM
GUEST,The Irish News 08 Feb 02 - 06:05 AM
GUEST,Hot Press 08 Feb 02 - 06:26 AM
GUEST,Newsflash!! 08 Feb 02 - 08:06 AM
GUEST 08 Feb 02 - 08:22 AM
GUEST,Colin Powell, US Secretary of State 08 Feb 02 - 08:41 AM
GUEST,Malachy Kearns 08 Feb 02 - 09:08 AM
GUEST,Darren Vaughan 08 Feb 02 - 09:09 AM
GUEST,The Irish News 08 Feb 02 - 09:12 AM
GUEST,The Wolfe Tones 08 Feb 02 - 09:14 AM
GUEST,lonely goat herder 08 Feb 02 - 09:15 AM
GUEST,The Bouncers in Lavery's 08 Feb 02 - 09:15 AM
GUEST,William Gilpin 11 Oct 06 - 07:10 PM
GUEST,, Ghost of Campsites Past 11 Oct 06 - 08:48 PM
GUEST,The ghost of McKittery 12 Oct 06 - 09:54 AM
GUEST,Michael Flatulence 12 Oct 06 - 10:45 AM
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Subject: Campsite at Drumcree III
From: Fibula Mattock
Date: 05 Feb 02 - 05:47 AM

'Mon on in, keep 'er lit - the third of these illustrious threads:

Continued from Campsite at Drumcree II and SONG ADD: The Campsite at Drumcree.


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Subject: RE: Campsite at Drumcree III
From: GUEST,Travel Brochure
Date: 05 Feb 02 - 05:56 AM

EASTER PILGRIMAGE TO BUCKFAST ABBEY

Visit the beautiful Benedictine Buckfast Abbey in glorious Devon for an Easter of spiritual enlightenment.

As endorsed by The Drumcree MegaSession (c) For World Peace and Mutual Understanding.

For more information, chat to God, or try http://www.buckfast.org.uk/.


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Subject: RE: Campsite at Drumcree III
From: GUEST,Advertising Hoarding
Date: 05 Feb 02 - 06:17 AM

Photograph ...

Wee fat shite in a shell suit with a moustache, brandishing a broken Mundies bottle in one hand and holding aloft a half-full bucky bottle in the awr, stands triumphantly over the bloody body of an unsuspecting victim.

The legend reads:

"I could fight none till I discovered Buckfast!"


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Subject: RE: Campsite at Drumcree III
From: GUEST,Advertising Hoarding
Date: 05 Feb 02 - 06:22 AM

Photograph ...

Wee fat sneering shite in a shell suit with a moustache, takes a big swig out of a bottle of buckie. Behind him his wife, her right eye blackened, sits weeping at the kitchen table. The kitchen wall still bears the stain where he bucked a mug of tay across the room.

The legend reads:

"Buckfast! For those days when you wish you'd never got married!"


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Subject: RE: Campsite at Drumcree III
From: GUEST,Advertising Hoarding
Date: 05 Feb 02 - 06:25 AM

Photograph ...

Wee fat sneering shite in a shell suit with a moustache, holding a bottle of buckie in his fist, is being bundled into the back of a police car by a wee fat sneering shite with a moustache in a peeler's uniform.

The legend reads:

"Buckfast! You'll always find a place to cowp for the night!"


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Subject: RE: Campsite at Drumcree III
From: Joe Offer
Date: 05 Feb 02 - 06:25 AM

I realize that posting background information might detract from the spirit of these threads, but I'd sure like to know source information, composition date, and stuff like that.
-Joe Offer-


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Subject: RE: Campsite at Drumcree III
From: GUEST,Advertising Hoarding
Date: 05 Feb 02 - 06:31 AM

Photograph ...

Wee fat sneering shite in a shell suit with a moustache, is bent double over a garden wall, lashing rings roun' 'im.

The legend reads:

"Buckfast! Better out than in!"


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Subject: RE: Campsite at Drumcree III
From: GUEST,Like -Minded Pedant
Date: 05 Feb 02 - 06:37 AM

Joe ...

Good point ... I was about to make it mnyself.

However I've done a bit of background research and I think I can provide the details you're after:

Source Information - The humble grape

Composition Date - Wine has been produced continuously since man first learned to swally. However the consumption of wine in vast quantities (aka "skullin'") has been perfected by the good people of North Armagh in the past twenty or thirty years, thanks to the good monks of Buckfastleigh Abbey who bring their healing ministry to all regardless of creed or colour.


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Subject: RE: Campsite at Drumcree III
From: GUEST,Scottish Advertising Site
Date: 05 Feb 02 - 06:58 AM

Wee fat Australian sneering shite with blue woad on his face talking in a very dodgy Scottish accent with his claymore in one hand a half empty bottle of Buckie stood astride a mangled English Knight shouting 'You can take away oor lives but ye canny take away our.......Buckfast !!'


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Subject: RE: Campsite at Drumcree III
From: GUEST,Prof Beardygub, Head of Folk Music Studies,
Date: 05 Feb 02 - 07:00 AM

Sorry to be a bore … but any questioning of the relevance of this thread in your esteemed organ displays an incomplete knowledge of how the folk process operates in the island of Ireland. It is well-known that new songs of any worth do not emerge unless a "rake" (coll. a large number) of "lachakoes" (coll. people of a generally reprobate character) get together for an extended period of "slaggin'" or "sleggin'" (coll. indulging in petty, vicious humour at each others' expense). The conviviality of such occasions is generally enhanced by the consumption of "bucky" (coll. a "tonic wine" imported from England) and – in certain circumstances - by the ingestion or inhalation of proscribed substances.

When "musicianers" (coll. people who play musical instruments) are present at such gatherings, it is normal for one or two songs to be coined by the assembled lachakoes. Occasionally they survive to the present day (e.g. Coleraine Regatta, performed some time back by Paul Brady in his Johnstons' days). More often they fall by the wayside, victims of the detrimental effect of "bucky" on the memory. Thus, alas, the tradition has lost such great ballads as "The Night Tim Carville Got His Hole"; "The Broke-Down Lorry At Moira"; "The Bus-Fare From Poyntzpass", "The Only Drunk Man In Bessbrook" and the classic "Gravel-Holes Of Ardmore".


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Subject: RE: Campsite at Drumcree III
From: GUEST,Prof Hairychops
Date: 05 Feb 02 - 07:28 AM

Professor Beardygub … we've met before of course. You'll remember me, Professor Hairychops, Head of Ethnomusicology, University of Lurgan, formerly St. Peter's, North Street … but that's goin' back a few years, ha ha.

I think that that was a very well-crafted summary of one of the particular "folk processes" that applies in Ireland.

However perhaps it would have been more helpful to have given a few further references so that these good people could have conducted further research. It's in this spirit that I suugest the following reading:

Beardygub (1997) From Devon to Derrytrasna – The influence of Buckfast on the cultural life of North Armagh (QUB Press)

Beardygub (1998) The Devil's Buttermilk – Drunkenness, debauchery and double jigs – Annals of the great sessions of the middle ages (QUB Press)

Hairychops (1998) "Min' Where You're Swingin' Thon Bow!" – When traditional music spills over into a gubbin' match (University of Lurgan Press)

Hairychops (1999) Sergeant Pepper/Sergeant Piper – The influence of magic mushrooms on traditional music (Univeristy of Lurgan Press)


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Subject: RE: Campsite at Drumcree III
From: GUEST,The Websites Commission
Date: 05 Feb 02 - 07:37 AM

The residents of Mudcat, led by Mr Joe Offer, have filed a petition with us, objecting to the continued use of the Mudact for the staging of the Drumcree MegaSession (c) for International Harmony and Brotherly Love.

Have you anything to say in your defence?


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Subject: RE: Campsite at Drumcree III
From: GUEST,Harry McGarry, Solicitors (obo DMSE Ltd)
Date: 05 Feb 02 - 07:42 AM

M'clients have instructed me to ask the Commission to look favourably on their continued presence on this site. The cyber-sessioneers of Northern Ireland have traditionally used the Mudcat Cafe as a location in which to practice their vocation and seek the Commission's permission to continue to exercise their right to free association in this hallowed spot. So help me God!


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Subject: RE: Campsite at Drumcree III
From: GUEST,The Websites Commission
Date: 05 Feb 02 - 07:51 AM

Permission granted.

Mr Offer. You may act with the authority of the Mudcat Cafe. But thankfully there are institutions such as that which I represent who throughly understand and endorse the long tradition of mockery, vilification and general debauchery that has informed much of the traditional music of what has become known as "the western world".

Long before the descendants of your nation invaded the lands you now inhabit, the musicianers of Northern Ireland were assembling in their droves at Drumcree and places like it to fiddle, pipe, whistle, sing and knock fifteen different colours of ordure out of each awr!

And it is my solemn duty to defend their right so to do.

God Save Us!


Well, shit, all I wanted to know is where the songs come from....
-Joe Offer-


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Subject: RE: Campsite at Drumcree III
From: GUEST,Tannoy Announcement
Date: 05 Feb 02 - 08:01 AM

Ladies and Gentlemen

The Heavyweight Class of the Heavy Step-Dance competition is due to kick-off in the next ten minutes.

Could all competitors please make their way to the reinforced decking near the front zips.

That's competitors Lupari, Holmes, Paisley and Kelly - that's Gerry Kelly from the telly - to the reinforced decking.

Spectators will be kept at a distance of some fifty yards for their own safety.

Flash photography is not permitted.

Please extinguish all smoking materials in the vicinity of the contest.

Thank you.


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Subject: RE: Campsite at Drumcree III
From: GUEST,NEWSFLASH!!!!
Date: 05 Feb 02 - 08:10 AM

Reports are coming in that police in the Craigavon area have arrested wee chubby harpist, Derek Bell.

Bell is reported to have entered the Chemist in Craigavon Shopping Centre and roared "Give me all your drugs, you big pack o' hoors! I'm off my head and I need more drugs!"

He was overpowered by two oul' dolls who threw him to the groun' and gave him a few sharp digs in the kidneys to pacify him till the cops came.

Chief Inspector McGonagle praised the courage of the have-a-go heroes but warned the general public not to have a go themselves in similar situations. "Boys like Bell are a menace" he said. "Nice as ninepence one minute and mad as blazes the next! Give them a wide berth. Hell hath no fury like a wee plump harpist on the rampage."


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Subject: RE: Campsite at Drumcree III
From: GUEST,Portydown Barracks
Date: 05 Feb 02 - 08:54 AM

Scene … an interrogation room in Portydown police station.

A chubby, moustachioed guardian of law and order sits in a chair opposite Derek Bell – harpist with the Chieftains.

Bell – What's goin' on? Why huv youse got me here? I'm due to be down in Win'mill Studios in a day or two makin' a new album.

Peeler – You'll be makin' no album, you wee gulpin! I'm gonny make damn sure that you spend the rest of your days where you'll not be able to get your paws on any more drugs!

Bell – I'm buggered, aren't I?

Peeler – You're well goosed, now Bell, that's for sure.

Bell (anxiously) – What if I gave you some information?

Peeler – Such as?

Bell – The person who murdered Nell Flaherty's drake?

Peeler – (can't contain his excitement) You know about thon one?

Bell - (cautiously) Aye. And more besides.

Peeler – I think we might be able to do business! Talk on, boy! Here, d'ye wanny wee child's leg? (He offers a Regal.)

Bell – Thanks. (Lights up. Blows smoke in a thin thread towards the ceiling.) The Ducks Of Magheralin!

Peeler – No!

Bell – Same boyo! McBreen's Heifer.

Peeler – Holly Jaysus! I may sit down!

Bell – You may. For the same fella made off with Paddy McGinty's Goat and An Puc Ar Buile.

Peeler – Holy God!

Bell – Not to be outdone, he made away with The Lark In The Morning, The Lark On The Strand and The Kid On The Mountain!

Peeler – Why? Why?

Bell – To feed his big oul' gut, that's why!

Peeler – Mr Bell. If you could help us track down this hallion, then I promise, we'll drop all charges. Who is it?

Bell – (Smugly) Officer, remove the cuffs! The man you're after is no other than Eamonn Holmes!


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Subject: RE: Campsite at Drumcree III
From: GUEST,NEWSFLASH!!!!
Date: 05 Feb 02 - 09:14 AM

We interrupt Neighbours to bring you breaking news.

Potydown police have confirmed that in the early hours of this morning they launched a raid on the home of Television Presenter Eamonn Holmes.

They confirmed that Mrt Holmes has been arrested on suspicion of stealing and eating a number of animals and birds which are revered by followers of Irish traditional music. Among the beasts and fowl which Mr Holmes is alleged to have made away with and consumed are:

The Kid On The Mountain
Nell Flaherty's Drake
The Ducks Of Magheralin
Paddy McGinty's Goat
An Puc Ar Buile
The Lark On The Strand
The Lark In The Morning
The Geese In The Bogs
The Woodcock
The Hare In The Corn
The Creggan White Hare

It is further alleged that Holmes has been responsible for eating a number of beasts and birds after whom songs and tunes were to have been named. The subsequent non-availability of these is said to have been a great blow to the continuation of the Irish Music Tradition. Among the menagerie of such members of the animal kingdom are :

The Mallard of Mullaghbawn
The Derryadd Bay Salmon-Trout
The Corcraine Curlew
Teddy Smith's Big Buck Goat
Alex McVeigh's Laying Hen
The Snipe
The Eel In The Downpipe
The Quail In The Nettles

Nicholas Carolan of the Irish Traditional Music Archive said "It's a great shame that Mr Holmes was allowed to decimate the large number of members of the animal kingdom who have been honoured in song and tune. We are thankful at least that he never managed to track down "The Bucks Of Oranmore" , "The Crib Of Perches" and "The Crabs In The Skillet" so at least the traditional music makers of Ireland have something to hunt and fish for."

We'll bring you the latest news as it comes through. In the meantime, back to Neighbours.


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Subject: RE: Campsite at Drumcree III
From: GUEST,Liam Clancy
Date: 05 Feb 02 - 09:49 AM

I'd like to sing you a wee song I collected on my travels. It's called The Ballad Of Eamonn Holmes.

In my memory I will always see
The grub that I have loved so well
Cafolla's fish is a tasty dish
I was lured inside by the smell
At the oul Burger Stap
I'd a burger in a bap
Aye, and chips, I could have ate a mountain
And I muttered "Please
Could I have a few more peas?" In the town I have loved so well

All the odours rare in the mid-Ulster air
Like a language that we could all understand
I remember the day when I got my first pay
And I bought out a whole Irwin's van
My face I stuffed
I could never get enough
My da used to say "Now listen, Eamonn!
If you lick thon butter-knife
I will have your bloody life!"
Ah … the grub I have loved so well

I soon returned, the instant that I learned
That oul' Lurgan Town had got up off its knees
There's no Milan, the Rendezvous is the White Wran
But there's a faint smell of pizza on the breeze
And there's Chinese boys installed
And the very best of all
There's a new McDonald's – it's a drive-in
With their burgers and their buns
I thank God for what they've done
To the town I loved so well



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Subject: RE: Campsite at Drumcree III
From: GUEST,Christy Moore
Date: 05 Feb 02 - 10:32 AM

Ladies and gentlemen. The organisers have asked me to point out that they've secured sponsorship for the Drumcree MegaSession ©, which means that its future is secure for the next five years!

(Huge cheer from the assembled crowds.)

The event is due to be called The Buckfast Session from this point onwards.

(Huge cheer.)

I've written this wee number in their honour. You might recognise the "tune" such as it is!

How's it goin' there everybody
From Lurgan, Kilvergan, Maghery, Muckery and Magheralin
Here we are in North Armagh
Havin' ourselves a helluva fleadh
There's the twin cathedrals and Oxford Island
Or jump in the car for a race to Rathfriland
AE Russell and Eamonn Holmes
Gloria Hunniford and the boul' Wolfe Tones
(The football team, not the band
Whose stuff I find a little bland)

Oh Buckfast Session
Buckfast Buckfast Buckfast Buckfast Session

Everybody needs a break
It's better than a bat up the bake
Some head off to exotic places
Others go to the Galway Races
Eamonn goes to the nearest chippy
He likes his fish all greasy-drippy
A cousin of mine goes on safari
But he says he's seen nothin' as big as Lupari
Summer comes around each year
We go there … they come here
Some like to March in the July procession
But I always go to the Buckfast Session

Oh Buckfast Session
Buckfast Buckfast Buckfast Buckfast Session

I always leave on a Thursday night
With me tent and me groundsheet rolled up tight
I like to hit the Buckfast sesh
With a bloody big lump of home-grown hesh
Last year I went through all kinds of hell
After I bought a deal from Derek Bell
I don't know what he cut it with
But it really rolled a lethal spliff
I spent ages chattin' up one of the Corrs
Before I realised it was the ugly brawr
And I ended up singing with Enya Clannad
Who comes from a spot not far from Fanad
In the background there was synthesisers, atomisers, pints of cider

Oh Buckfast Session
Buckfast Buckfast Buckfast Buckfast Session

The multitudes they flock and throng
To hear the music and the songs
Brian Downey, Dan O'Donnell
Snowy White and Maur' O'Connell
Spider blowing, Ringo drumming
Sinead's singing, Brush Shiels strumming
Luv Bug, Clancies, Lizzy, Ash
Oul Rock Stewart singin' The Sash
And me, of course, I never learn
Always get up and do a turn
Keeps me mind active, I s'pose!

Oh Buckfast Session
Buckfast Buckfast Buckfast Buckfast Session



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Subject: RE: Campsite at Drumcree III
From: GUEST,Drumcree MegaSession Enterprises Limited
Date: 05 Feb 02 - 10:55 AM

STATEMENT ON BEHALF OF DRUMCREE MEGASESSION © ENTERPRISES LIMITED

Dear friends …

It is with heavy hearts that we have decided to sever all ties with the Buckfast Session … formerly known as the Drumcree MegaSession ©.

We have come a long way together from those early days in the pishin' rain, as we strode expectantly, but apprehensively into the field at Drumcree. Who would have thunk from such humble beginnings would have grown the event that Time magazine described as "The Twenty First Century Woodstock" or that Newsweek called "The Miracle of Portydown"?

But time passes … things change …

We are happy that our baby has grown up and is ready to leave our care. We wish it every success in the future.

To all the fine people who have supported us … Gino, Eamonn, Derek, Shane, Sinead, Van, Brush, Snowy, Jake and many, many others … too many to mention.

Thank you all.

We love you.

(Sound of plane engine purring in background …)

Goodbye, beautiful friends.

(Stage-whispered aside … Have you got the money? Good! 'Mon Let's get outta here …)

Goodbyeeeeeeeee.

(A plane soars overhead.)


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Subject: RE: Campsite at Drumcree III
From: GUEST,Christy Moore
Date: 05 Feb 02 - 11:20 AM

Aaahh, those were the days... The Crack was Ninety in the Caravan

Well weren't we the shower of bastards
Spent the evenin' gettin' plastered
With a carry-out of Bucky
We were feeling mighty lucky
Over the hedge and down by the tent
Our drink all gone and the money spent
' Hurry boys, don't miss the crack
Or before we're there we're all be back.'
Drinkin' from a can,
The crack was ninety in the caravan.

Before we reached Garvaghy Road
Eamonn was ready to explode
In the bar on the train he'd had great sport
Eatin' pies and drinking port
Landed up in the Drumcree site
Enquiring for a pitch for the night
Our tent was up but soon got stoned
By a pack of spides from up the road
'Lads, fuck aff if yous can.'
The crack was ninety in the caravan.

Next morning we went for a ramble round
Viewed the sights of Portydown
Then we went for a mighty session
In a tent wi' a pile of beardies.
We must have been drunk by half past nine
So we opened some more Buckfast Wine
Back to the tent for the spruce up
And while waitin' for the fry
We all drew up our plan.
The crack was ninety in the caravan.

That night we went to the Session tent,
Came back down in discontent
Met the Chieftains and all went in
To drink some wine in with Paisley
Then Derek Bell it was said
Was to be found there, aff his head.
Shane was there in his suit and shirt.
Them Corrs girls he was tryin' to flirt.
Sayin', 'Here, girls, I'm your man.'
The crack was ninety in the caravan.

Daniel fancied his good looks
On a Portydown woman he was struck,
But Eamonn Holmes was by her side
And he throwin' the jar into her.
Daniel thought he'd take a chance
He asked the quare one out to dance
Around the floor they stepped it out
And to Dan it was no bother
Everythin' was goin' to plan.
The crack was ninety in the caravan.

The Portydown woman fancied Dan
But he hadn't counted on alison
Her and Dana fought for Daniel
He was having so much fun.
His mammy then arrived as well,
Told them all to go to hell
Took Daniel back to Donegal
Before he'd had a go at all
Grounded poor auld Dan.
The crack was ninety in the caravan.


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Subject: RE: Campsite at Drumcree III
From: GUEST,Christy Moore
Date: 05 Feb 02 - 11:44 AM

I'd just like to sing one more, a reminiscence of a great ould time in a field near Portadown... Drumcree Hill

Last night as I lay dreaming of pleasant days gone by
My mind being bent on rambling to Ireland I did fly
I stepped on board a Translink train and I followed the bad smell
And I shortly came to anchor at the tent on Drumcree Hill

It being in the month July, the Sunday before the twelfth
When Ireland's great musicians were camping in the filth
The young and the old, the brave and the bold their journey to fulfill
At the little church in Drumcree, on the top of Drumcree Hill

I went to see my neighbors to hear what they might say
The old ones were all dead and gone and the young ones turning grey
I met with the Eamonn Holmes, he's as big as ever still
Sure he used to split his britches when he camped on Drumcree Hill

I paid a flying visit to my first and only love
She's as white as any lily and as gentle as a dove
She threw her arms around me saying "Christy I love you still"
Oh my bald Sinead O'Connor, she's the flower of Drumcree Hill

I dreamt I held and kissed her as in the days of yore
She said, "Christy you're only joking like many's the time before"
The cock he crew in the morning he crew both loud and shrill
And I awoke in California, many miles from Drumcree Hill.


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Subject: RE: Campsite at Drumcree III
From: GUEST,Andy Irvine
Date: 05 Feb 02 - 11:49 AM

Jaysus, Christy ... if you'd written belters like thon back in the 70s I'd never have kicked you out of Planxty!

Poor oul' Eamonn Holmes, though!

He's gettin quare stick, right enough!


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Subject: RE: Campsite at Drumcree III
From: GUEST,Christy Moore
Date: 05 Feb 02 - 12:02 PM

The 70s? Nah, I don't remember them...
Wait a minute! Sideburns and woolly jumpers!! It's all floodin' back.


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Subject: RE: Campsite at Drumcree III
From: GUEST,Belfast Tele
Date: 05 Feb 02 - 12:34 PM

Headline: DRUMCREE SESSION LEADS TO NEW ANTHEM

Following the success of the The Drumcree MegaSession (c) For World Peace and Mutual Understanding, politicians are building on the fact that music brings harmony to the people of Northern Ireland. The problem of establishing a national anthem that can be sung cheerfully by all has at last been solved, with news that the celebrated Muppet's song "Mahna Mahna" has been chosen. Despite futile attempts to sing the lyrics of "God Save the Queen" to the tune of "The Soldier Song" (and not vice versa, as everyone makes up the words to the latter to avoid a kicking anyway), the members of the Northern Ireland assembly have decided that this upbeat and cheery song signifies a postive step forward. A promotional video, "Mahnah Mahna by the MLAs", is to be issued next month, and will feature musicians from the Drumcree Mega-Session(TM). Leading figures in Northern Ireland politics will rise to their feet for the "mahna mahnas" with their party supplying the refrain "do doo be-do-do". A unified chorus of all assembly members will sing the last line "Do doo be-do-do be-do-do be-do-do be-do-do-doodle do do do-doo do!".
The plans have already courted controversy. Radio 1 has threatened to ban the song, and certain DUP members have been heard to proclaim that "it's far too happy to be pleasing in the eye's of the Lord".


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Subject: RE: Campsite at Drumcree III
From: GUEST,Belfast Tele: Corrections and Clarifications
Date: 05 Feb 02 - 01:00 PM

Yesterday's issue of the Belfast Telegraph quoted members of the DUP as saying the new national anthem was "far too happy to be pleasing in the eye's of the Lord". In fact, there should be no apostrophe in "eyes" and we would like to apologise for suggesting that members of the DUP are in anyway illiterate or unscholarly.
(see what happens when Martin McGuinness gets to be Minister for Education? Standards start slipping!)


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Subject: RE: Campsite at Drumcree III
From: GUEST,ta2
Date: 05 Feb 02 - 01:35 PM

innocent that i am.....thinking buckie was the national drink of coatbridge in lanarkshire..........might have known that garvachy road tims were responsible............come to think of it most drumcee tims probably live in coatbridge


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Subject: RE: Campsite at Drumcree III
From: GUEST,Christy Moore
Date: 05 Feb 02 - 03:36 PM

Thanks very much there, boys and girls.

Jaysus ... I'm surprised I'm still goin' at it this long!

Anyways ... I'll do you a wee one now that I used to sing in the bath to the tune of "Long Way From Here To Clare".

There was 3 that shared a bed, me and Holmes and Gino
One on either side and me squeezed in between-o
And I hope that the buggers don't turn round, round, round
I'd be smothered before I'd make a sound
I hope they both lie still
If they spin I'm fuckin killed
And I won't get to sing in Portydown

One day Eamonn Holmes bumped into Gerry Kelly
They hate each other's guts, like all rivals off the telly
And Kelly says "By God you're getting stout, stout, stout
Thon gut of yours is fairly stickin' out
You used to be quite lean
Now I'd need a big wide screen
To see you when you're flapping your oul' mouth"


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Subject: RE: Campsite at Drumcree III
From: GUEST
Date: 05 Feb 02 - 08:10 PM

Sixth tele...telio....sixth teliooooo....sex telly....sixth telling of....sucks tilly....here do yiz want a paper Mister, aye take a look now... see you...see what's goin' on... beyond in Dumcree, aye here before the light changes, while we're both still young here pal ...naw ye can't have the paper 'till ye get your change sorted...yer from where...wha! Fermanagh!!! Forget it mate...you'll be waitin' for the foriegn language edition.


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Subject: RE: Campsite at Drumcree III
From: GUEST,John Paul II
Date: 05 Feb 02 - 08:52 PM

Where are we now son?

Guido: I don't know Holiness..wait...large mountain...snow covered,...cold as hell, foriegn language.

JP: Austria???

Guido: I'm not sure Holiness...

JP: Ho'd on Son...what's that say...Moon, naw...More,...Mourne Observer???? Ahh Fuck ye ran the wrong way, we're in fuckin' Newcastle. Sure they're only a bunch of fuckin' heathens here.


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Subject: RE: Campsite at Drumcree III
From: alison
Date: 06 Feb 02 - 12:23 AM

what the f............


I don't know... I had to head back to Sydney to do a wee bit of entertaining... and when I come back............ wud yis jist luk at the shape of this place!!

I'm finding it hard to keep up here...... so let me see... Derek Bell is being interogated, enya is off her face... and my wee Daniel has got his leg over with a heap of dorty wee trollops??? bet his mammy isn't too happy about thon.......


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Subject: RE: Campsite at Drumcree III
From: GUEST,Daniel O'Donnell's Ma
Date: 06 Feb 02 - 04:11 AM

I'm far from happy, the same blade!

If I had thon wee article by the back o' the neck I'd l'ave the mark of my han' on the wee chubby ass of him.


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Subject: RE: Campsite at Drumcree III
From: GUEST,Mammy Clannad
Date: 06 Feb 02 - 04:14 AM

I know what you mean, there, Mrs O'Donnell.

Isn't it shockin' the way our wans have torned out and such good rearin' as they got, the rake o' them!

Sure there's damn all for it but a cup of tay and a wee buttered scone?

Two sugars, as usual?

And a wee nip of Inishowen Rocket Fuel to keep yer Johnny Giles from jinglin'?


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Subject: RE: Campsite at Drumcree III
From: GUEST,Johnny Logan's Mother
Date: 06 Feb 02 - 04:16 AM

Did I hear tay on the go?

No sugar, please Mrs Clannad. It just irritates my Mrs D'yles!


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Subject: RE: Campsite at Drumcree III
From: GUEST,Brush Shiels' Ma
Date: 06 Feb 02 - 04:20 AM

Oh great! Jus' what I needed! A nice cup of tay!

No sugar please Mrs Clannad. I'm dieting!

Ach, I will too have a wee taste of your Moville Mountain Madness in it.

D'you mind if I stand, though. I've just applied a wee splash of ointment to my Lough F'yles and they're nippin' a wee bit!


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Subject: RE: Campsite at Drumcree III
From: GUEST,Old Mother Morrison
Date: 06 Feb 02 - 04:24 AM

Has any of youse uns seen ar Van?

The wee shite's away aff on the tear with that Shane MacGowan character. A right gather-up if ever I seen one! I sez to him, Van, I sez, why don't you get yourself a nice sensible playmate like Daniel O'Donnell?

What's that Mrs Clannad? A cup of tay? I'd love one! Me oul' bake's like an Arab's sandal!

I'll not sit down. No, love. My oul River Niles are givin' me grief!


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Subject: RE: Campsite at Drumcree III
From: GUEST,Mrs Doyle
Date: 06 Feb 02 - 04:34 AM

Ah go then. Would you like a piece of cake it's got cocaine in it... nor sorry crack cocaine !! Some Dundee cake made with Buckie there an all and lots of tea


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Subject: RE: Campsite at Drumcree III
From: GUEST,Brid Brennan
Date: 06 Feb 02 - 05:32 AM

Has anybody seen Liam Neeson!

I've just been up The Mater and it torns out I'm carrying his love-chile.

Jaysus ... we only did it the wanst up against the side wall of the Eglantine and the pair of us plastered!

If I hear he's been sniffin' roun' thon Amanda Burton, I'll swing for the pair o' them!


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Subject: RE: Campsite at Drumcree III
From: GUEST,The Dubliners feat. Shane MacGowan
Date: 06 Feb 02 - 06:31 AM

(RONNIE) Are yez alright out there?

(MASSIVE cheer!)

(RONNIE) I thought we were never goin' to get thon bollox Christy Moore off the stage.

Shane, would you get over to the mike, here and never mind snoggin' the face aff Brenda Fricker. Put her down, boy! You can always give her a bit of an oul' coort after we've sung this wee song.

(Shane grabs the mike to wild applause! He gives a quick thumbs up and has a swig of Bucky.)

(RONNIE) Now, we've been asked to revive this oul' come-all-ye. It's a reworking of The Irish Rover. We call it "The Irish Army Land Rover".

Take us away, there Barney!

(RONNIE) At the turn of the year two thousand and two, we were stunned when the news it came roun'
There was some sort of fleadh, and a big oul' ree-raa goin' on near to black Portydown
Well Barney, sez me, this is something we must see, the border we're bound to cross o-o-ver
But we hadn't any wheels, so John Sheahan had to steal, an oul' Irish Army Land Rover

(SHANE) As they passed Nenagh town, I could hear the oul' soun' of Barney pickin' a reel
And they stopped on the street and I lep' in the jeep and away the oul' tyres they did squeal
We sang Boolavogue, and oul' Eileen Óg and Barn played the oul' Stack of Ba-arley
There was no time to waste, we must get off our face, so we all did a big line of charlie

(RONNIE) By an oul' roadside ditch, determined to hitch, the boul' Eamonn Holmes gamely stood
We screeched to a stop and said "In you hop" you dorty big Christ-a-mas pud
He fair slowed us down, that man big and roun', and times he near tipped us o-over
But it's a sturdy oul' yoke, runs on petrol and coke, the oul' Irish army Land Rover

(SHANE) We stopped in Dundalk and I had an oul' gawk roun' the pubs to see what's the crack
And Ronnie said "Shane, we'll not be detained. We'll l'ave you if you are not back"
But I met Gino L in the Fairways Hotel, sez he "Are you crossing the Bo-order"
Sez I "That we are, why not hop in our car?" But by Jaysus the squeeze it was morder

(RONNIE) We limped through Poyntzpass and near pulled the ass off our jeep as we hit an oul' ramp
Through Scarva we limped like a carload of simps as we made for the Portydown camp
In Gilford, a shock, the oul' jeep it stopped and none of our efforts would sta-art it
So we marched in on foot the last bit of our route, devil the bit of us down-hearted

(SHANE) It was a sight to behold, there was joints ready-rolled being offered by ladies half-dressed
I heard oul' Brush Shiels, his oul' guitar squealed, and by Jaysus, I was quarely impressed
There was Butler and Flat, the latter a prat, the former a right wee te-ee-ease
(RONNIE) And Shane says, "Now Ron, before the night's gone, I'll have her between my knees!"

(MASSIVE CHEER from audience. Jean Butler smiles demurely and shuffles!)

(RONNIE AND SHANE) So come musos all and answer the call and join us in oul' Portydown
Fiddlers of jigs come join in this gig it's a session of major renown
If you know "Kinnegad", then give it a wad, the girls they will roll you in clo-over
And then when they are done, they will pack you off home, in the oul' Irish Army Land Rover!

(DEAFENING applause.)

(SHANE) Thanks! Up the republic!


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Subject: RE: Campsite at Drumcree III
From: GUEST,Mrs Clannad
Date: 06 Feb 02 - 06:33 AM

God, but that was lovely.

I love the oul' songs. What about you Mrs Neeson?


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Subject: RE: Campsite at Drumcree III
From: GUEST,Liam Neeson's Ma
Date: 06 Feb 02 - 06:35 AM

I could barely concentrate on it Mrs Clannad! I've a dorty great Plains of B'yle in my sheugh and it's givin' me right gip, so it is! It has me breathin' through my mouth, so it has!


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Subject: RE: Campsite at Drumcree III
From: GUEST,The Pogues
Date: 06 Feb 02 - 08:02 AM

(SHANE) Roigh'! G'luck t'ye!

I've been ast to sing one of me best-known songs for yez all. I've changed the words around a wee bit for the occasion.

This one's called Fairytale of Drumcree.

(APPLAUSE!!!)

It was on the Twelfth, yeah
Out by Scarva
An oul' man said to me
"Won't see anawer one"
And then he sang a song
The Green And Grassy Slopes
I smoked a bit of dope
I bought in Gilford

I bought a Lambeg drum
It weighed a half-a-ton
I soul' it to some bum
When I was on a bender
And when I give a toot
On my Oul' Orange Flute
And wear my new band-suit
The girls surrender

And the boys on the Garvaghy Road
Sing "Go the fuck away"
But we'll camp on Drumcree Hill till Judgement Day

(The band takes it away for a quare long break, while Shane saunters casually to the drum riser, takes a swig from a bottle of Bucky and lights a feg. As we reach the point where, on the original, Kirsty MacColl came in, Sharon Corr wanders onstage to TUMULTUOUS APPLAUSE!!!)

(SHARON) He's got fringed epaulettes
He's got strides edged with gold
He doesn't smoke snout, he smokes ready-rolled
When he first dropped the han' on the 12th of July
I hardly need tell yez, I bloody near died

(SHANE) Jaysus, you're cat!
You're a dorty hoor's get
I'll redden your chicks
With the back of my han'
(SHARON) You bollix, you poghal
Away home to Ahoghill
I'm away now to fin' me
A far better man

And the boys on the Garvaghy Road
Sing "Go the fuck away"
But we'll camp on Drumcree Hill till Judgement Day

(SHANE) I could have been someone
(SHARON) You're just a hape o' dung!
You've got a dorty tongue
And you're a bigot
(SHANE) Ah, shut yer yappy bake
I mean, fer Jaysus' sake
A man can hardly spake!
Ah, Christ, then! Frig it!

And the boys on the Garvaghy Road
Sing "Go the fuck away"
But we'll camp on Drumcree Hill till Judgement Day







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Subject: RE: Campsite at Drumcree III
From: GUEST,Mrs Clannad
Date: 06 Feb 02 - 08:05 AM

Heavens above ... but thon wuz jus' pure heavenly!

What did you think Mrs Burton?


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Subject: RE: Campsite at Drumcree III
From: GUEST,Amanda Burton's Mawr
Date: 06 Feb 02 - 08:08 AM

It sounded OK. But I wasn't really listening. I'm tortured with the hoorin' Farmer Giles and it's like having a live electric wire up your rear end, so it is! I've no life any more, so I haven't.


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Subject: RE: Campsite at Drumcree III
From: GUEST,The Pogues
Date: 06 Feb 02 - 09:01 AM

(SHANE Gives Sharon an affectionate squeeze of her ass as she makes her way off stage.) Sharon Corr, folks! Great girl, altogether!

Anyway … you'll know the tune of this next one. It's been used for "The Black Velvet Band". This is "The Drumcree Marching Band".

Near a neat little town they call Lurgan
There's a hell-hole they call Portydown
And many's an hour of dire misery
I spent in that miserable town
Till a streak of good fortune came over me
From then on me life it was grand
For they gave me a flute and a new shiny suit
And I joined the Drumcree Marching Band

CHORUS
Our flutes they shone like diamonds
Our drums could be heard 'cross the Bann
With our epaulettes perched on our shoulders
Here comes the Drumcree Marching Band

We attempted to walk up Garvaghy
The Commission said "Sorry that's banned"
And we said "You oul' shite. Sure we have the right
To walk any road in this land!"
But not one foot in front of another
On this road has the Orange since placed
And all of our shoutin' and bluster, boys
To me it appears just a waste!

CHORUS



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Subject: RE: Campsite at Drumcree III
From: GUEST,Local Lad 1
Date: 06 Feb 02 - 09:03 AM

Oh Jaysus ... I've just heard that this revival of interest in folk music is making Shebeen think about re-forming!

And there's news that Bonaparte might be considering getting back together!

I'm ready for l'avin' home!


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Subject: RE: Campsite at Drumcree III
From: GUEST,Local Lad 2
Date: 06 Feb 02 - 09:05 AM

I hope it doesn't coax Hyland Paddy out of retirement!

I'll definitely go with you if thon happens!


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Subject: RE: Campsite at Drumcree III
From: GUEST,Local Lad 3
Date: 06 Feb 02 - 09:07 AM

Here if youse lads are headin' aff, kin I come with youse?

I was down in Newry las' night and the talk o' the town was that Crubeen are goin' to get back together again!

'Mon! Fire up that Massey Ferguson and away to hell outta here!


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Subject: RE: Campsite at Drumcree III
From: GUEST,Sinéad O'Connor
Date: 06 Feb 02 - 11:36 AM

Hello Portydown …

I thought Shane was never gonny get off the fuckin stage. But he was grand, there, altogether wasn't he? Give him a big round of applause …

(CHEERS. WOLF-WHISTLES. Etc.)

I'd like to do a wee gentle number to start aff wi'.

It's called "Fare Thee Well, Sweet Portydown"

Oh then, fare thee well Sweet Portydown
To Denny's and the Bann
On the banks of whose oul' muddy stream
Lives many's the one called McCann
And one such man, by the name of Dan
Cleans his face in an oul' frying pan
Ah, sure only a glipe, would give his face a wipe
With a thing the like of thon!

Oh it's fare well Craigavon's twin lakes
The fairest yet built by man
If you call them a dub, then I'll treat your oul' gub
To a taste of the back of my han'
And the Garvaghy Road, where up I once strode
With my sash and my snowy-white gloves
I bid you adieu, you home of the few
The town that so well I have loved

Oh it's fare thee well to the Seagoe Hotel
Likewise to the oul' Carngrove
Where I first got a ride, in the car park outside
The pair of us damn well near froze
I don't mind her name, an' I think that's a shame
But the buckie destroys your oul' cells
I'm sure she's alright, it's me – the oul shite
Who is startin' his journey to Hell

And when I descend, will I meet my oul' friends
In the sulphurous pits below
Drinking bad wine and spending their time
Smokin' big joints full of blow
For Hell can't be far from this town in Armagh
For here, if you just look around
No more hellish scene can there ever have been
Than the spot that they call Portydown


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Subject: RE: Campsite at Drumcree III
From: GUEST,Mrs Clannad
Date: 06 Feb 02 - 11:40 AM

Mrs Bowyer!

Wasn't that just lovely!

I'll bet Mrs O'Connor's very proud of Sinéad! I think she's lovely looking as well. And she knows a good song when she hears one. Diz the jab properly. Know what I mane?

Wish our Enya had the same ear for music ... instead of all that glipin' about wi' waterfalls and dolhins and whales!

Anyways ... are you up for a cup of tea?


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Subject: RE: Campsite at Drumcree III
From: GUEST,Brendan Bowyer's Ma
Date: 06 Feb 02 - 11:43 AM

I will not, thank you very much, Mrs Clannad. But I've got an ingrowing hair at the minute and it's murder for me, so it is! And if I take a cup of tea, or a line of whizz or a cappucino or any oul' stimulant, it's like twistin' a knife so it is!

And as for sittin' down!

I've to sleep on my stummick, Mrs Clannad! What do you think o' that?!


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Subject: RE: Campsite at Drumcree III
From: GUEST,The Pope's Ma
Date: 06 Feb 02 - 05:01 PM

Here that was quare singin' from that wee skinny fella way the baldie head. I'm tellin' ye I have a drooth on me. I could quare go a wee drap in me hand if you have the kettle on missus.

Here now A've been on the road since the screagh lookin' for our JP. Honest to Jaysus that lad'll be the death o' me. If he's not here he's there, jumpin' aff planes and kissin' the carpark. Christ knows where he gets his ideas from.


Thanks now love there's a special place in heaven kep for yee. Christ that tays like dish wather. Here give us anawr song there son. What is it Sinead yez call him.


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Subject: RE: Campsite at Drumcree III
From: GUEST,Sinéad O'Connor
Date: 07 Feb 02 - 04:22 AM

Is thon the Pope's Ma down there?

Jaysus … I'm sorry I tore your fella's pixture up on stage thon time in Americkey. I was off my head on Night Nurse and Mundies. (Thon Enya one gave it to me in a big pint glass … sez she has a sloat o' it every night before she goes on stage!)

Anyway … you mind thon song I did with the Chieftains? "The Foggy Dew". Here's the update … "The Swaggerin' Billy Crew".

As I came down to Portydown one 12th day of July
Red, white and blue were the kerbs to view and proudly the flags did fly
And from the village of Magheralin, orangemen came hurryin' through
To take a stroll up Garvaghy Road with the swaggerin' Billy crew

From boul' Richill, those men of Bill, all decked out in gloves, snow-white
Came milling along for to join the throng to pay homage to thon big oul' fight
That was fought of late in the Free State between two foreign kings of old
Whoever'd have won, sure we'd all have been done and down the River Boyne been sold

As home we crawled, we wept and bawled cos they said that we couldn't march
And we gathered there in Waringstown square underneath our Orange arch
And we played our flutes in our Billy suits but the tunes has a deathly hue
And they cast a pall over one and all of the swaggerin' Billy crew




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Subject: RE: Campsite at Drumcree III
From: GUEST,Arty McGlynn
Date: 07 Feb 02 - 05:00 AM

Liam ...

I don't suppose you kep' a note of the tunes thon Potydown boys was playin' at thon oul' session las' night?


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Subject: RE: Campsite at Drumcree III
From: GUEST,Liam Óg O'Flynn
Date: 07 Feb 02 - 05:02 AM

I have indeed Arty. I made a wee note as they went along.

Reels – The Preacher's Spittle/The Confrontation/The Loyal Order
Jigs – The Stand-Off/The Molotov/The Fenian Neighbours
Reels – The Crew-Cut/The Beer-Gut/The Bristlin' Moustache/Shillington Bridge/The Pride Of The Birches
Reels – The Bitter Flute/The Triumphalist Reel/The Boys of Gilpinstown

I'm away home now to learn them!


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Subject: RE: Campsite at Drumcree III
From: GUEST,Donal Lunny
Date: 07 Feb 02 - 06:25 AM

Hi Liam,

Before you go, tell us this! If you play the B part of "The Mason's Apron" before the A part, does it become "The Apron's Mason".

And if you mix up the parts of "Merrily Kiss The Quaker" does it become "Merrily Quake The Kisser"?

Liam ... 'mon, mate! I was only jokin!

No, seriously ... if you mix up the parts of "The Moving Bog" does it become "The Boggin' Move"?

Fockin humourless get!


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Subject: RE: Campsite at Drumcree III
From: GUEST,Liam Óg O'Flynn's Da
Date: 07 Feb 02 - 06:28 AM

Oi ... Mr Lunny ... yer Donal's only after makin' our Liam cry his eyes out!

He's callin' him names, so he is.

Tell him to away and stop otherwise Liam won't be playin' in any more o' your Donal's bands ever again!


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Subject: RE: Campsite at Drumcree III
From: GUEST,Donal Lunny's Da
Date: 07 Feb 02 - 06:30 AM

Clamp yer bake, Lunny. Otherwise I'll go over there and pull the big flappy ears aff ye!

No wonder your Liam's the humourless poghal that he is!

He should take a leaf out of Derek Bell's book and go and get hisself some personality!


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Subject: RE: Campsite at Drumcree III
From: alison
Date: 07 Feb 02 - 06:42 AM

gawd give me strength...... if I haf to come down there and sort yis out......... yill git yer heads in yer hons so ye will... and then where'll ye be?


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Subject: RE: Campsite at Drumcree III
From: GUEST,The Dubliners
Date: 07 Feb 02 - 06:51 AM

Why should Enniskillen have all the good songs?

(BOOOOOO!)

This one's for Portydown!

(CHEEEEEEER!)

Fare thee well Edenderry and to Denny's as well
And goodbye to The Tunnel – my grief is hard to tell
As I bid goodbye and heave a sigh, the hour is coming soon
When you'll all the see the back of your Potydown Dragoon

My ship she is waitin' down by Shillington Quay
There's twenty thousand bandsmen, my comrades and me
We're salin' down the Bann me boys, to cross boul' Lough Neagh
Cos there's loyal boys in Antrim who are dyin' to hear us play

Our ship hit rough water as we rounded Croghan's isle
And we struggled bloody gamely for a quarter of a mile
Some wee Scottish boy on board wi' us said "Shite! We're gonny droon!"
And that would be the end of the Portydown dragoons

But soon the weather brightened and we motored cross the Lough
We were neckin' back the Buckfast, the half of us were blocked
We stopped for a picnic on the Island they call Ram's
And that was where the most of our bother began

Well we all disembarked and we hunkered on the ground
As the weemin passed the sodie farls and buckfast all around
Till someone shouted, "Jaysus, lads! Quick Swim out if yous can!"
Our ship was half a mile away … and we were bloody stranded

But pretty soon we got the hang of living far from land
There's no one here tell us you can't march or, yes, you can
Our wee Scottish comrade, he marches roon and roon
And he says "Thank the Lord that I'm a Portydown Dragoon"


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Subject: RE: Campsite at Drumcree III
From: GUEST,Donal Lunny
Date: 07 Feb 02 - 09:24 AM

Hi Liam ...

If you swapped the Plains of Boyle around would it become the Boils of Pain?

What about The Tailor's Twist? Would it become the Twister's Tale?

The Pleasures of Hope ... would it become Hoping For Pleasure?

The Fair Maidens? Would that become The Fading Mare?

Ah, Liam ... 'mon ... I'm only messin'!


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Subject: RE: Campsite at Drumcree III
From: GUEST,News at 10
Date: 07 Feb 02 - 09:53 AM

BONG! (x 10)
"From ITN tonight...we investigate claims of irregularities in the administration of The Drumcree MegaSession (c) For World Peace and Mutual Understanding.

Good evening.

Northern Ireland was reeling today from accustaions of irregularities in the administration of The Drumcree MegaSession (c) For World Peace and Mutual Understanding. It appears claims have been made that the session, a cross-community endeavour to bring peace to the divided Province, is biased in its political representation and is therefore not actually elegible for the large amounts of EU funding it has already recieved. Over to our Portadown correspondant, Aine NiCrotch."

Aine NiCrotch: "I'm standing in the campsite at Drumcree, and you can see the stage behind me. The music is silent at the moment as the participants reel in horror at accusations that the session is not fully representative of all the main political parties. The International Fund for Ireland and the Lottery Commission have both requested a full investigation into this. Their funding was given on the basis of an equal-opportunity event, a criteron now called into question. The use of the EU Buckfast Lake is now likely to be suspended. A spokesman for the event told us this evening 'We did our best. We even bought them rainbow-coloured guitar straps, and lots of people had them there paper doves. It's nat our fault. We asked the Alliance Party to come along, but they said we hadn't made any provision for fences they could sit on.'
Orgainisers are now in disussions as to how they can rectify this anomaly. It is thought that if members of the Alliance party change their political status for a short while then the funding could be reapproved, but this is a rather far-fetched idea. Also, the Women's Coalition have threatened to walk out if they get asked to make the tea again. With these latest developments, it is not known if the proposed bodhran decommissioning will go ahead next week. This is Aine NiCrotch, Drumcree, Portydown."


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Subject: RE: Campsite at Drumcree III
From: GUEST,NEWSFLASH!!!!
Date: 07 Feb 02 - 10:01 AM

We interrupt this broadcast with news that after last-minute negotiations with a number of private interests, funding has been secured to allow the Drumcree session to continue.

A spokesman for the Drumcree session emerged ashen-faced from the all-night talks to confirm that the session would go ahead.

"However" he continued "the backers have asked that we make available a choice of tonic wines to performers and punters alike."

This disclosure has already led to scenes of uproar.

A spokesman for Sanatogen was unavailable for comment.


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Subject: RE: Campsite at Drumcree III
From: GUEST,Christy Moore
Date: 07 Feb 02 - 10:05 AM

It's great to be back in th'oul fray again!

Now here's one for them as doesn't reckon much of this thread!

There's some that use the Mudcat think we're shite
And there's others use it think that we are all alright
Are you gonna quit this bollicks
Youse bunch of alcoholics
Well we might, there, Michael so we might

There's some that use the Mudcat get the joke
There's other use the Mudcat, we make boke
Since you offend so many's taste
Are you gonny quit this place?
Well we might, there, Michael so we might

There's some as think we're ignorant and rude
And our jokes are very dorty, cruel and crude
They think we should sling our hook
From this hallowed folkies' nook
Well we might, there, Michael so we might

But then again some others think we're class
They'd be sorry if this postin' was our last
Would you not fuck the begrudgers?
The grumpy oul' curmudgers?
Well we might, there, Den, so we might


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Subject: RE: Campsite at Drumcree III
From: GUEST,UTV Live
Date: 07 Feb 02 - 10:09 AM

Mike Nesbitt (for it is he):
"And other news tonight: following the investigation into the Drumcree Session, proximity sessions are to be held in a number of tents in the area. The Alliance Party have also agreed to attend, saying they meant "no offence" by their absence. It is hoped that the bodhran decommisioning will go ahead as planned next week, putting bodhrans permanently beyond use. It has been denied that they are to be sold to tourists."


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Subject: RE: Campsite at Drumcree III
From: GUEST,Derek Bell
Date: 07 Feb 02 - 10:14 AM

By the hookie Christy youse are a rare kind of genius so y'ar... gone yourself.


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Subject: RE: Campsite at Drumcree III
From: GUEST,Christy Moore
Date: 07 Feb 02 - 10:18 AM

It took some doin' to get thon song writ quick ...

Good to see you out, any way Derek?

Have you stopped sellin' th'oul gear, then?

(WHISPERS) Is it true you grassed up Holmes for Nell Flaherty's Drake?


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Subject: RE: Campsite at Drumcree III
From: GUEST,Real Mudcatter
Date: 07 Feb 02 - 10:19 AM

Why have you hijacked our Mudcat, you bounders?


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Subject: RE: Campsite at Drumcree III
From: GUEST,Enya
Date: 07 Feb 02 - 10:21 AM

Ah, give over!

We got fed up hijacking buses, for God's sake!


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Subject: RE: Campsite at Drumcree III
From: GUEST,Derek Bell
Date: 07 Feb 02 - 10:22 AM

Oh that was never me sell'in that stuff Christy that was some friggen' impersonater. Look they have me that adjitated that I'm swearin'. Am took that wake way all that's been goin' on. Wait there's the Popes Ma am away for a blessin' good luck.


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Subject: RE: Campsite at Drumcree III
From: GUEST,Sadie the tea woman
Date: 07 Feb 02 - 10:26 AM

That feckin' Enya has a wild gob on 'er so she has and look at the cut of yer man there way the tee shirt way the banjo on it. A good toe in the hole would soon straighten him out wha? Are yez gettin' love?


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Subject: RE: Campsite at Drumcree III
From: GUEST,Belfast Tele
Date: 07 Feb 02 - 10:30 AM

There were violent clashes at the Drumcree Mega-Session yesterday when participants were attacked by a group operating under the name "Real Mudcat". It is thought that this may be another splinter group of Folk-Nazis, who have in the past gone under the names of "Continuity Mudcat", "Provisonal Mudcat", "Mudcat Defenders" and "I Can't Believe It's Not The Mudcat". This is not the first time that peace initiatives in Northern Ireland have come under attack, as anyone on the "Peace Train", which was delayed by a security alert on the line, will recall. Sir Ronnie Flanagan has said that the people of the North will not tolerate such attempts to disrupt the path to peace. Tony Blair has issued a statement that "we will not bow to the demands of the few who wish to delay bodhran decommissioning. The people of Northern Ireland have spoken, and they have said 'bodhrans now, then spoons'".


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Subject: RE: Campsite at Drumcree III
From: GUEST,Wullie Doyle
Date: 07 Feb 02 - 10:36 AM

Would that be real spoons that ye ate yer dinner way or them fuckin' wooden wans that them edjits is always bangin' aff the side af yer head an you only tryin' te injoy yer pint when yer locals bin taken over by them folk ejits. See A would'nt want the real spoons decommisioned if ye folly.


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Subject: RE: Campsite at Drumcree III
From: GUEST,Dervish
Date: 07 Feb 02 - 10:48 AM

(CATHY JORDAN) - This is a wee song we do from time to time. Daniel O'Donnell changed the lyrics to relate to a wee thing going on at the minute between him and Enya Clannad.

There's a place by the wide River Bann
And it goes by the name of Drumcree
The green grass is tramped into glar
And the tents, they all flap in the breeze
Where the orangemen made their last stand
On a hill, for all who can see
And there dwells the love of my heart
Is ar Eirinn ni neosfainn ce hi

Like a chuckie that longs for the dawn
Of an Ireland united and free
I long for my own cailin ban
But she don't give a damn about me
If she'd only stop drinkin' thon wine
An' snortin' thon big lines of speed
Our bodies would naked entwine
Is ar Eirinn ni neosfainn ce hi


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Subject: RE: Campsite at Drumcree III
From: GUEST,Irish News
Date: 07 Feb 02 - 10:52 AM

A spokesman for "Bodhrání Na Gael" said that while it was prepared to decommission bodhráns, the eventual aim was the entire "depercussionisation" of the island of Ireland. He confirmed that this extended to spoons, but also to Lambegs, side drums, snares, bass drums, bones, triangles and céilí blocks.


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Subject: RE: Campsite at Drumcree III
From: GUEST,N.I. Green Party Rep
Date: 07 Feb 02 - 10:52 AM

(clears throat) Could I just eh say something here if I could ahem I think that...what I mean to say is that I don't think that the Nothern Ireland Green Party has been fairly represented here atall so I don't. Hello ahem (blows in microphone) ehh is this...ehh is this on. This here ehh microphone...is it on atall? Nobody's listenin' to me anyway...I'll just fuck off home then will I...(loud cheers from the crowd) Fuck yez it was on all along.


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Subject: RE: Campsite at Drumcree III
From: GUEST,W.B. Yeats
Date: 07 Feb 02 - 11:39 AM

I say, you chaps ... I thought it was time some fine mellifluous, edificational poetry was declaimed for the multitudes.

Hence this ode, for a dear, dear friend. Now forced, alas, to live at a distance from Grannuaile, from Kitty Mavourneen, from the Sean Bhan Bhocht, from the Star of the Sea, the Gem of the Roe, The Rose in the Heather and The Light Of The World.

He is big, plays guitar
In a "céad míle fáilte" bar
With a nick-nack-paddy-whack
Thinks he's one of us
But he's never burnt a bus

Hairy beard on his face
Bet he wouldn't stick the pace
If he nick-nack-paddy-whack
Drank a rake of buck
Bet he'd boke the whole lot up

Never sat by the man-made lakes
Buckin' purple Tennents down his bake
With a nick-nack-paddy-whack
Just as I had feared
Too busy growin' a ginger beard

He is older than me da
Bet he'd fancy my oul' ma
With her nick-nack-paddy-whack
Wabbly double-chin
Big buck teeth and hairy shins

Thinks we care, aye, as if!
Give us a bang on thon there spliff
With a nick-nack-paddy-whack
Bate your bodhrán drum
Then ram the bater up your bum


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Subject: RE: Campsite at Drumcree III
From: GUEST,Gerry Adams
Date: 07 Feb 02 - 11:44 AM

The trouble with you reprehensible wee bastards is that youse have too much time on your hands! When I was your age I was fully occupied. Didn't have time to waste makin' up stupid bloody nursery rhymes to wind people up!

If you ask me what this place needs is a bit of good oul' political foment ... that would give you something to think about!

Now ... win' it in!


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Subject: RE: Campsite at Drumcree III
From: GUEST,David Trimble
Date: 07 Feb 02 - 11:48 AM

I agree with my right honourable friend (fingers crossed behind back) Gerry.

Yez are a bun'le of ga'er-ups, the lot of yez! If I had my way I'd be roun' your houses this minute breakin' your knees and nailin' your heads to the toilet door!

But since I'm a democrat and always have been, I'll l'ave that sorty 'hing till the boys and the army and the peelers.


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Subject: RE: Campsite at Drumcree III
From: GUEST,WB Yeats
Date: 07 Feb 02 - 11:50 AM

Sorry Gerry! Sorry David! Thon Craigavon hoods kidnapped me and forced me to write thon doggerel! I've never burnt a bus in my life, honest! I jus' write poems about trout and gravestones and things.

Don't hit me!

Again!


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Subject: RE: Campsite at Drumcree III
From: GUEST,Seamus Mallon
Date: 07 Feb 02 - 02:25 PM

I just new it would come to this. I new youse would'nt be able to laev the politics out of it. I turn me back for a minute and there yiz are at it again. Did that trip to Washington not larn yiz nuthin'. Ah well what fuck do I care. I'm well out of it now. Here is anybody goin' fornenst Downpatrick?


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Subject: RE: Campsite at Drumcree III
From: GUEST,Brian Downey
Date: 07 Feb 02 - 02:45 PM

Here Gino this depercussionisation is scary stuff wha? I mean to say what's one bodhran player more less, nuthin' personal now Gino but it could affect serious musicians like meself. We could be driven underground boy. Its dark days ahead I think for the old skin spankers wha'. I mean (looks round furtively) who gives a fuck about lambegs wha? Sure there's no music in them feckin' things. When was the last time you seen one a them glipes in a band uniform live at the Marquee, staggerin' round the stage with the face blazin' aff him unner the strain a that big arse drum and too much Bushmills, wha? But where will it end wha? Do ye think them boys is goin' to stop at drums? No by Christ once Adams and Trimble and Blair get her goin' it'll be them big gongs next... member like thon one I had when I was with Lizzy. mark my words boy it'll all happen before there's much more hair on your bake, good luck.


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Subject: RE: Campsite at Drumcree III
From: GUEST,Scene from Stormont
Date: 07 Feb 02 - 07:23 PM

Speaker of the house: Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this afternoon we would like to table an emergency debate concerning an illegal music festival in Portadown. Please raise your hand if you would like to make a point...ahh yes the chair recognizes the Minister for Education Mr. McGuinness.

Martin McGuiness: Mr.Speaker I just wanted to say that Mr.Paisley is writting things on my note book so he is.

Ian Paisley: That's a lie. I did not.

MG: Yes he did Mr.Speaker.

Speaker: What things?

MG: He wrote all taigs are horny bastards and Sinn Feinn/IRA are a bunch of hoors gets

Speaker: Did you write those things Mr. Paisley?

IP: I did not and I don't know what he's gettin' at so I don't.

Speaker: This is a serious accusation Mr. McGuinness how can you prove that it was Mr. Paisley that wrote these things.

MG: Because he signed his name under it. And then he wrote I love Eileen so I do and Ballymena for the cup.
Speaker:(groans) Order, order.


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Subject: RE: Campsite at Drumcree III
From: GUEST,Meanwhile back at the ranch ...
Date: 08 Feb 02 - 04:05 AM

The crack continues!


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Subject: RE: Campsite at Drumcree III
From: GUEST,Donal Lunny
Date: 08 Feb 02 - 04:09 AM

Hi, Liam, what was thon tunes thon boys was playin' in thon session las' night? The boys all dressed up in thon fancy outfits with the braids and pipin'?


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Subject: RE: Campsite at Drumcree III
From: GUEST,David Trimble's pimple
Date: 08 Feb 02 - 04:15 AM

Ahhhh now lads it's the pimple speaking, now, you know your owner is really something when he has a song written about his arse. Little did I think I'd be highlighted in the song archives...

PS... little does David know - the grease doesn't work, I just let him think it does... apart from that be quiet know, I'm busy concentrating on working up a fair size boil ...

I quite like my little ditty, very clever words really. Doesn't bother me in the slightest.

My name is David Trimble I'm nifty, neat and nimble
On my backside I've a pimple that festers in July
I can scratch it, I can squeeze it with ointment I can grease it
But the only way to ease it is to go marching with the boys

V) It's just a little orange pimple, so soft and cute and simple
Harmless as a dimple, until the marching season comes
It swells with inflammation causing irritation
How can I sit in negotiations with a pimple on my bum.

I met my loyal Bretheren, a most unhappy gathering
In the sunshine they were sweltering in the churchyard of Drumcree
To march to Ballyoran with drums and banners blowing
They had been stopped from going by the loyal R.U.C

V) And my little Orange pimple grew as hard as any thimble
It was ringing like a cymbal and throbbing like a drum
It swelled with inflammation causing irritation
How could I sit in negotiations with a pimple on me bum

Say I to Sir Hugh Ainsley, 'No matter what your plans may be
And whatever Rupublicans may say this march must be allowed'
Says he 'Don't mind their blether, sit back and enjoy the weather
And we'll all march down together when we get a better crowd'

V) And my little Orange pimple grew as hard as any thimble
It was ringing like a cymbal and throbbing like a drum
It swelled with inflammation causing irritation
How could I sit in negotiations with a pimple on me bum

The people of Garvaghey, you couldn't keep them happy
There were some of them shouting 'Tiocfaidh' though they never say a hen
With the R.U.C before us, their batons waving o'er us
We all sang in a chorus, 'happy days are here again'

V) And my little Orange pimple grew as hard as any thimble
It was ringing like a cymbal and throbbing like a drum
It swelled with inflammation causing irritation
How could I sit in negotiations with a pimple on me bum

Here's a health to Paddy Mayhew, Hugh Ainsley and his gay crew
They showed us what we may do whenever we feel inclined
With them to fight our battles, we'll let our drumbeats rattle
And give each a Drumcree medal with the spelling right this time

V) And my little Orange pimple grew as hard as any thimble
It was ringing like a cymbal and throbbing like a drum
It swelled with inflammation causing irritation
How could I sit in negotiations with a pimple on me bum

My name is David Trimble, I was nifty neat and nimble
My little Orange pimple has grown into a boil
Now I dare not squeeze or scratch it or in any way detach it
For I know I'm for the hatchet if I seem to be disloyal.

And my little Orange pimple, so soft and cute and simple
Harmless as a dimple, until the marching season comes
It swells with inflammation causing irritation
How can I sit in negotiations with a pimple on my bum


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Subject: RE: Campsite at Drumcree III
From: GUEST,Liam Óg O'Flynn
Date: 08 Feb 02 - 04:18 AM

(CONSULTS NOTEBOOK)

Let me see ...

There was a set of reels - The Humours of Loughbrickland/Painting The Kerbs.

A set of slip jigs - The Two-Mile Swagger/Shin The Lamp-post/The Stalwart's Jig

A polka set - unusual that for this part of the world! - The Augher Gathering/Bitter As Gall/Claddin' The Cops.

And then a set of ... Hey!

(LUNNY SNATCHES O'FLYNN'S NOTEBOOK AND RUNS OFF WITH IT, AND REGROUPS WITH ANDY IRVINE, MATT MOLLOY, TOMMY PEOPLES AND BARNEY MCKENNA.)

Da ... thon wee shite's bullyin' me again!


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Subject: RE: Campsite at Drumcree III
From: GUEST,Liam Óg O'Flynn's Da
Date: 08 Feb 02 - 04:22 AM

Oh, Liam ... shut up for Christs sake!

Just gub 'im if he's bawrin' you. Else thon's the way it is!

I can't be doin' with you yappin' and rhymin'!


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Subject: RE: Campsite at Drumcree III
From: GUEST,Donal Lunny
Date: 08 Feb 02 - 04:32 AM

(SNIGGERS)

Look what he's writ down here!

"I think Jean Butler's got a really sexy backside and I love to watch her dancing, so I do! She could fill my bag and finger my chanter any day!"

And here, look! "Donal Lunny is a big, fat, hairy-arsed bully and some day my da is going to knowck seven coulours of shit out of his da. And then we'll see who's the big man."

(LUNNY THROWS NOTEBOOK TO THE GROUND)

Well, bugger your da and my da. C'mon O'Flynn! I'll take you on, right here, right now. I never liked you. Or your sensible clothes. Or your wee gerny gub. Or your oul' ma and da, your sister and your big buck goat!

(MOLLOY, MCKENNA, IRVINE AND PEOPLES START A ROUSING CHANT ... "Fight, fight, fight, fight, fight ..."

LUNNY TAKES OFF HIS FAIR-ISLE TANKTOP (£6.99 from Dunne's in Craigavon Shopping Centre ... part of their marine collection) AND ROLLS UP THE SLEEVES OF HIS COLLARLESS ETHNIC-TYPE SHIRT (£4.99 in Primark in Dundalk).)


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Subject: RE: Campsite at Drumcree III
From: GUEST,A spokesman from the Bodhran industry
Date: 08 Feb 02 - 04:33 AM

Yon news o' the planned depercussionisation of oul' Ireland has us all worried an' dismayed doun here in Roun'stone so it has.

Don't thon feckers from the Bodhran Decommissioning Body an' General de Pipestelain know how this will affect the economy of Southern Connemara?

Christy...you said you kneel in awe, so now we're counting on yer support fer the cause. An' wi' big feckers like Gino an' John Joe Kelly, we'd be a force to be reckioned wi', so we would!

Let's unite an' "Wallop" thon hoors...


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Subject: RE: Campsite at Drumcree III
From: GUEST,A STATEMENT FROM THE DECOMMISSIONING BODY
Date: 08 Feb 02 - 04:44 AM

The proposed depercussionalisation of the Island of Ireland has been embraced by a wide cross-section of popular opinion and is already well underway.

We are now canvassing opinion on two further initiatives which, it is hoped, will have long-term benefits for the Irish Musical Tradition.

The first is the "dealienisation" of Irish Music. This means, in effect, the banning of all instruments which are not native to the tradition. For example, the didgeridoo, the nose-flute and the pan-pipes, the castanets, the marimba and the "comb-and-paper".

The second is the "deaccompanisation" of music, which refers to the removal of all forms of accompaniment. Under this proposal, the solo performance (on a ntaive instrument - see above) will be reinstated to its rightful place as the highest form of artistic expression in Irish music. Two instruments may perform together, provided that they are "native" and that they play in unison.

Views are welcome until end-February, following which the proposals, however revised, will be effected.


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Subject: RE: Campsite at Drumcree III
From: GUEST,Malachy Kearns
Date: 08 Feb 02 - 05:10 AM

ahhhhhh shite. And me with shed loads of the things....

(runs off to start printing, I support my local bodhran maker, save the bodhran, and I love to wallop stickers)


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Subject: RE: Campsite at Drumcree III
From: GUEST,Nanny O'Goat
Date: 08 Feb 02 - 05:22 AM

Will youse feckers spare a fecking thought for us goats here we are shagging away tae provide youse with best quality skin for yer feckin bodhrans and then youse are going to depercussionalise. Make yer fecking minds up


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Subject: RE: Campsite at Drumcree III
From: GUEST,NEWSFLASH!!!!
Date: 08 Feb 02 - 05:29 AM

Gardai in County Galway have confirmed the discovery a large percussion dump in the town of Roundstone.

A trained percussion defusal squad is on hand.

A spokesman said. "Jaysus. But it was desperate, right enough. There was enough goatskin on all of the bodhráns in thon place to make a waistcoat for Eamonn Holmes. Or a biker jacket for Gino Lupari."

Police in Northern Ireland are warning people to be on the look-out. Music shops with "Book of Kells"-type lettering are best-avoided. If you come upon a suspicious bodhrán, contact your local police station and a squad of highly trained bodhrán defusal experts will be despatched immediately.

Hardware shops are reporting a huge surge is sales of Stanley knives as squads of "Percussion Vigilantes" have formed in most major population centres in Irekand, North and South.

Christy Moore is helping police with their enquiries.


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Subject: RE: Campsite at Drumcree III
From: GUEST,Newsflash!
Date: 08 Feb 02 - 05:29 AM

Reuters...

Commotion broke out outside the headquarters of the Bodhran Decommissioning Body this morning.

Witnesses reported hearing several extremely loud thumps followed by a fusillade of rimshots and several further bangs.

Another bystander claimed to have seen several large men, all carrying suspicious circular packages running away from the scene. Police reported that a coded message claimed the attack was the work of the 5th Flying Bodhran Brigade and it is also thought that a woman getaway driver was also involved.

When interviewed later by detectives, Cathy Jordan claimed that she was elsewhere at the time of the daring raid, doing a silly dance during a Dervish performance at the Drumcree Gathering with thousands of witnesses.

Also interviewed, Malachy Kearns said he was not involved although he was quoted as saying "I hope the big boys gave the feckers a mighty good wallopin'".

End of report...


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Subject: RE: Campsite at Drumcree III
From: GUEST,NEWSFLASH!!!!
Date: 08 Feb 02 - 05:38 AM

A policeman was treated for shock after being subjected to a drive-by "batterin'" last night.

The officer was standing guard outside "Lupari's", a well-known purveyor of the now-illegal bodhrán drum, when two men on a motorbike screeched to a halt outside the shop and subjected him to his thirty-second ordeal.

The officer said "The driver produced a 16" deerskin from under his coat and proceeded to give it "Liverpool-Everton, Liverpool-Everton" for at least four bars. At which point his accomplice, on the pillion, produced an 18" tunable with a cut-out and gave it "Rashers-and-eggs-and-lashings-of-sausages" for a further four or five bars."

The officer was rushed to Altnagelvin Hospital, where he was subjected to intensive solo recordings of John Doherty, Leo Rowsome and Willie Clancy. He is said to have made a complete recovery.


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Subject: RE: Campsite at Drumcree III
From: GUEST,"SAVE THE DRUM" leaflet
Date: 08 Feb 02 - 05:44 AM

SAVE THE DRUM (STD) Campaign

Decorated with swirly Celtic knotwork and poem by Seamus Heaney:
----------------

A rush in the ears
a spill of notes
across the bog
and I remember it - bodhran!

Childhood has gone now
and we move to culmination,
the beat firm and quick,
the skin taut
as the rhythm grows
pulsating and pounding
She bucks to my touch.

Hecabe knew the grief
of a lost child
as Troy fell.
She wreaks her vengence
on the blind.
And on our shores
the pulse and the tap
of shoes, hearts, and drum.


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Subject: RE: Campsite at Drumcree III
From: GUEST,Newsflash!
Date: 08 Feb 02 - 06:03 AM

Associated Press...

It was reported this morning that an Irish Coastguard vessel The Uillean intercepted and boarded a vessel The Tipper as it tried to sneak into Schull harbour in remote West Cork.

Coastguards found a large but as yet undeternimed number of illegal bodhrans on board. It is believed that thay were on their way to the Popular Front for Ruining a Session and had originated in Pakistan.

Bodhran Decommisssioning Body chief General de Pipestelain declared himself satisfied with the find and contratualted the Coastguard authorities saying "In many ways, these imported percussion pieces are more dangerous and unpredictable than the locally-made variety. It takes the greatest care from a highly trained decommissioning expert to put one beyond use."

A local goat, Nanny O'Goat was reported as saying "This is a major success by the authorities. These cheaply-shagged Asian skins are vastly inferior to what we produce here in Connemara. We must however remain vigilant against this insidious spread of anti-percussionism".

Malachy Kearns also congratulated the authorities saying "Why would anyone want to procure one of these highly dangerous devices when they can have a real one with a painted Celtic Knot guaranteed to last 300 years..!"

Waltons refused to comment on the news...


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Subject: RE: Campsite at Drumcree III
From: GUEST,Malachy Kearns
Date: 08 Feb 02 - 06:04 AM

Ahhh Christy, say nothing, I'll be round now - Oi've at least a roll of old punts I need to get rid o. I've had them under me mattress.

And I never said that sentance, wot was said...

I hope the big boys gave the feckers a mighty good wallopin'".

Nah, not me!

Right, so... I have got me a big old bundle of stickers, who wants one.

I heart to wallop

wallop your heart out lads

anyone for a wallop

save the wallop

wallop wallopers united ra ra ra


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Subject: RE: Campsite at Drumcree III
From: GUEST,The Irish News
Date: 08 Feb 02 - 06:05 AM

We reproduce below Kearns' speech from the dock.

My friends … I stand before you and before God, accused of what? Accused of labouring with might and main to produce the drum, nay THE DRUM!, that – more than any other emblem of our Irishness, denotes the quickness of our pulse and the rhythm in our feet, the burl and rattle of the wind against the byre door, the hammering of our hearts as we struggle in our currachs against raging seas to bring home the herrings for our wives and wee ones.

And they say, that this is a crime. That for the manufacture and the playing of this noble instrument, once beloved of Finn McCool, of Sweeney the Bard, of Cuchullain, of Brian Boru (a mighty drummer indeed, comparable only to Lupari in his intricacy and deftness of touch) and of The Wild Geese, Kearns must be censured by the state!

Well … I say this! You may ban the drum, but you cannot ban the rhythm.

Ladies and gentlemen. Consider well your verdict.




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Subject: RE: Campsite at Drumcree III
From: GUEST,Hot Press
Date: 08 Feb 02 - 06:26 AM

The proposed "deaccompanisation" of Irish Traditional Music has engendered a sudden and dramatic re-emergence of the Irish Music supergroups.

The Bothy Band, Oisin, Stockton's Wing and Sweeney's Men have all announced plans to re-form for a one-off series of concerts at a variety of venues throughout Ireland.

Planxty are rumoured to be on the verge of re-forming. However sources close to the band have confirmed that Andy Irvine is insisting that he be allowed to do at least half-a-dozen Eastern European numbers each show, while Christy is similarly insisting he be allowed to do three to four funny songs like Lisdoonvarna and Don't Forget Your Shovel. Meanwhile Donal Lunny and Liam Óg are rumoured to "hate each awr's guts". They will play together on stage, but provided they are positioned at opposite ends of the stage and Liam Óg has his back to Lunny.

Thankfully, rumours of a Touchstone and a Moving Hearts comeback tour have been scotched!


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Subject: RE: Campsite at Drumcree III
From: GUEST,Newsflash!!
Date: 08 Feb 02 - 08:06 AM

Ananova...

President Blair of the World has suddenly cut short his diplomatic tour of West Africa following intelligence briefings on the growing percussion menace in Ireland.

"This bodhran thing is getting out of hand..." said Blair "...and following urgent hotline discussions..I have the full backing of Deputy President Bush for a "first strike" policy on these dangerous instruments...".

President Putin was unavailable for comment following chaos within the Kremlin following an outbreak of cymbalum playing in former Soviet republics.

Blair went on to say "If these instruments of mass percussion should fall into the hands of fanatical and extremist musicianers, we may face the greatest musical crisis in the West since I played rock guitar at university". Continuing, Blair went on to say "I am personally working closely with the proper authorities north and south of the border to ensure that these instruments of percussion are put beyond use..."

Concluding, Blair said "Following the interception of The Tipper in West Cork and the discovery of Pakistani-made bodhrans on board, me and Shrubbie believe that Bin Laden may be somewhere behind all this..."

Meanwhile, the trial of Kearns continues back in Dublin with rumours of massive support from the Irish population for his now-acclaimed "rhythm" speech....


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Subject: RE: Campsite at Drumcree III
From: GUEST
Date: 08 Feb 02 - 08:22 AM

Speaking from his secret complex of caves deep in the heart of Inishowen, the area now known as Bodhrán Bodhrán, leader of the outlawed Continuity Bodhrán Liberation Army, Gino "Mad Dog" Lupari, issued the following statement today ...

"The fools. They think we have been silenced. But as long as there's hide on a goat, an Ireland robbed of the instrument that mirrors our manly pulse will never be at aise.

I have two thousand bodhránii under instruction in my percussion camps. The day will come when we will strike and Blair and his kind will feel the wrath of the bodhrán baters of the six counties, the twenty six counties, Cricklewood, Kilburn and Boston."

Blair The Merciless, Ruler Of The Known Universe was unavailable for comment. Aides confirmed that he embarked last night on a diplomatic mission to nearby Alpha Centauri.


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Subject: RE: Campsite at Drumcree III
From: GUEST,Colin Powell, US Secretary of State
Date: 08 Feb 02 - 08:41 AM

In a press conference this morning, Secretary of State Colin Powell declared Walton's in Dublin a terrorist organization, claiming the music shop was a front for Irish terrorist bodhran players with ties to bin Laden and the Al Qaeda network.

This is the latest development in the story from yesterday, when federal marshalls raided Irish theme pubs and gift shops across the US, to cut off the flow of funds to Irish traditional music terrorists, who have historically toured the US to raise funds for their terrorist network in Ireland. While there was some outcry in local areas, such as Patterson, NJ, where supporters of the Irish traditional music terrorist network claimed the funds raised went only to support drug and drink habits of loved ones back home, US Attorney General John Ashcroft said "the FBI and CIA have proof the fenian bastards and bastardettes have been operating in this country for well over a decade" and when questioned as to the nature of the evidence, Attorney General Ashcroft said "well, if the proof is good enough for the ghost of J Edgar, it's good enough for me and all good Americans."

Over 150,000 Celtic "gift" bodhrans were confiscated in the raids, authorities said.


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Subject: RE: Campsite at Drumcree III
From: GUEST,Malachy Kearns
Date: 08 Feb 02 - 09:08 AM

anyone for a few choc ices now...


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Subject: RE: Campsite at Drumcree III
From: GUEST,Darren Vaughan
Date: 08 Feb 02 - 09:09 AM

Good Evening this is the news read by Darren Vaughan, and I apologise for sounding like I have something stuck up my bum. In a raid today in the Town of Milltown Malby Gardai uncovered plans for a super bodhran that was being built on waste ground behind Mary Clancy's pub. The scaffolding had been erected and a herd of goats were taken away by officials in a horse box. Gardai spokesman Felim Toole said that the repercussions, if this thing had been built, could have been felt as far away as Portadown. Mr. Toole said that the shockwave could have levelled homes and businesses for miles around. Dissident bodhran makers Eamon Maguire and Paul Doyle were found at the scene and taken in to custody.


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Subject: RE: Campsite at Drumcree III
From: GUEST,The Irish News
Date: 08 Feb 02 - 09:12 AM

... but sources close to Mr Blair confirm that the policy of interning bodhránii and suspected bodhránii which has been operated North and South of the border, is expected to yield dividends in the course of the next few months. Over two hundred bodhrán players have been rounded up in Northern Ireland with up to 1,000 behind bars in the Republic.

Malachy Kearns are Gino Lupari at still at large.

Eamonn Holmes is still simply large ...


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Subject: RE: Campsite at Drumcree III
From: GUEST,The Wolfe Tones
Date: 08 Feb 02 - 09:14 AM


CHORUS
Amoured cars and tanks and guns
Took the bodhráns off our sons
Took their baters, turned them into
Men Behind The Wire

Through the little streets of Sligo
In the hours of early morn
Freestate soldiers came marauding
Wrecking little homes with scorn
"Where's your bodhrán, Cathy Jordan?"
"Give us thon oul' hoorin' drum!"
"Grab thon bater off her, Paddy,
Kick her up her wiggly bum!"

CHORUS

Not for them a judge or jury
Nor indeed a proper crime
Jus' because they bate a bodhrán
In a session lots of times
But roun' the world the truth will echo
Everywhere a drum is bate
Those who drum must drum for justice
Ensuring they escape our fate

CHORUS


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Subject: RE: Campsite at Drumcree III
From: GUEST,lonely goat herder
Date: 08 Feb 02 - 09:15 AM

ahhhh shite, bring me fecking goats back, or I'm forced to sing bad Sound of music songs....

yooodddellllll leeeeyy heyyyy hooooooooooooo...

mumbles, fecking shite, arse. Whats a fella to do without me wee goaty chums. Ah god luv us bring me ma goaties back...


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Subject: RE: Campsite at Drumcree III
From: GUEST,The Bouncers in Lavery's
Date: 08 Feb 02 - 09:15 AM

GO ON NOW FOLKS, TIME TO MOVE -

Campsite at Drumcree IV


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Subject: RE: Campsite at Drumcree III
From: GUEST,William Gilpin
Date: 11 Oct 06 - 07:10 PM

Can ya tell me where I can find the lyrics for the Boys of Gilpinstown...


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Subject: RE: Campsite at Drumcree III
From: GUEST,, Ghost of Campsites Past
Date: 11 Oct 06 - 08:48 PM

Wha' the feck?

Yer an eejit, refreshin' this!


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Subject: RE: Campsite at Drumcree III
From: GUEST,The ghost of McKittery
Date: 12 Oct 06 - 09:54 AM

NEVARR, NEVARR, NEVARR, has anyone got the music of this refrain by Ian Paisley, THE PRATASTANT PEEOPLE OF ULSTER SAY, NEVARR, NEVARR, NEVARR, sheer genius.


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Subject: RE: Campsite at Drumcree III
From: GUEST,Michael Flatulence
Date: 12 Oct 06 - 10:45 AM

Hi yall! is there any truth in the rumour that there is goin' ta be a dance here at the weekend. Sort of local 'Hop'? I know a few moves meself. I even been known to do a bit of 'high kickin' in me time.
Thing is, now am married the missus is always by myside. So apologies to ALL use females who were thinkin' of fillin' my card!


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