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Nasty Nursery Rhymes

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dick greenhaus 03 Nov 08 - 10:58 AM
GUEST,barttheanorak 03 Nov 08 - 05:50 AM
GUEST,coolguy 13 Oct 08 - 03:15 AM
GUEST,d_j_yotta 07 Oct 08 - 05:47 PM
GUEST,Grimduke 05 Oct 08 - 04:19 PM
GUEST 05 Oct 08 - 02:19 PM
GUEST,machree01 23 Aug 08 - 07:57 AM
goatfell 22 Aug 08 - 09:27 AM
GUEST,droptine 21 Aug 08 - 03:36 PM
Doug Chadwick 03 Feb 08 - 04:32 AM
Fidjit 02 Feb 08 - 12:03 PM
GUEST,anom 02 Feb 08 - 01:36 AM
GUEST,Jamjam 01 Feb 08 - 09:22 PM
GUEST,Jammy 01 Feb 08 - 12:33 AM
GUEST,Taliesin 01 Jan 08 - 10:13 AM
GUEST,George Henderson 18 Dec 07 - 10:57 AM
GUEST,Banjo Willy 17 Dec 07 - 02:18 PM
GUEST,Nanny Joe 17 Dec 07 - 02:14 PM
Fred Maslan 16 Dec 07 - 08:47 PM
GUEST,*^^*aussie*^^* 16 Dec 07 - 06:46 PM
GUEST,james henaghan 09 Oct 07 - 05:56 AM
GUEST 01 Oct 07 - 11:49 AM
GUEST,Neil D 01 Oct 07 - 11:43 AM
GUEST,Rock Girl Lily 30 Sep 07 - 11:55 PM
kendall 30 Sep 07 - 07:08 AM
bubblyrat 30 Sep 07 - 05:22 AM
Susan B 29 Sep 07 - 07:11 PM
GUEST,Pat 29 Sep 07 - 05:39 PM
GUEST 21 Sep 07 - 01:34 AM
Celtaddict 20 Sep 07 - 09:53 PM
GUEST,FuBar 20 Sep 07 - 09:50 PM
GUEST,FuBar 20 Sep 07 - 09:37 PM
GUEST,FuBar 20 Sep 07 - 09:27 PM
Mick Tems 03 Aug 07 - 01:59 AM
GUEST,Spider EyeZz 03 Aug 07 - 12:56 AM
Snuffy 01 Aug 07 - 06:58 PM
GUEST,ifor 01 Aug 07 - 12:29 PM
Edmond 01 Aug 07 - 11:24 AM
Edmond 01 Aug 07 - 08:23 AM
Snuffy 25 Jul 07 - 09:10 AM
Mick Tems 25 Jul 07 - 07:32 AM
goatfell 25 Jul 07 - 07:17 AM
GUEST 25 Jul 07 - 05:39 AM
GUEST,lestamore 24 Jul 07 - 08:20 PM
GUEST,ibo 24 Jul 07 - 02:28 PM
SINSULL 24 Jul 07 - 02:23 PM
Edmond 24 Jul 07 - 10:57 AM
GUEST,.gargoyle 19 Jul 07 - 08:21 PM
GUEST,.gargoyle 19 Jul 07 - 12:54 AM
Celtaddict 19 Jul 07 - 12:53 AM
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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: dick greenhaus
Date: 03 Nov 08 - 10:58 AM

Jack be quick, Jack be nimble
Jack jumped over a phallic symbol


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST,barttheanorak
Date: 03 Nov 08 - 05:50 AM

Reminds me of

Mary had a little lamb
Thought it rather silly
Chucked it up into the air
And caught it by its-

Willie was a watchdog
Lying in the grass
Along came a bumblebee
And stung him up his-

Ask no questions
Tell no lies
Ever seen a policeman
Doing up his-

Flies are a nuisance
Bees are worse
And that's the end
Of my silly little verse


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST,coolguy
Date: 13 Oct 08 - 03:15 AM

Postman Spew
Postman Spew
Postman Spew and his black and white poo
he flushed it down the dunny
but then he felt all funny
then he just comited suicide


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST,d_j_yotta
Date: 07 Oct 08 - 05:47 PM

Sang to glory glory Hallelujah:

mine eyes have seen the glory of the downfall of the school
We have (missing word) all the teachers and we've broken every rule
We broke in to the office and we tickled the principle

Our truth is marching on

Glory glory how peculiar
teacher hit me with a ruler
'cause i bopped her on the bean
with a rotten tangerine

our truth is marching on
--

We three kings of orient are
trying to smoke a rubber cigar
it was loaded it expoded
now we're on yonder star
--

My mum told me this one, so must have been around late 60's early 70's:

Hot snot and goobie pie
all mixed up with a dead man's eye
mix it thick with an old man's stick
and drink it quick with a cup of sick
---

this one was popular late 80's early 90's:

i'm going to the loo loo loo
you can come too too too
i'm gonna do a poo poo poo
how about you?


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST,Grimduke
Date: 05 Oct 08 - 04:19 PM

I remember this little anti-school dinners song...

say what you will school dinners make you ill,
the english armies gonna win the war,
our school dinn-dinn's comes from pig bins out of town!

Sung to the original tune of Jack Hargreaves Out of Town.


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST
Date: 05 Oct 08 - 02:19 PM

Mary had a little lamb
She thought it rather silly
She threw it up into the air and caught it by its
Willy was a bulldog sitting in the grass
Along came a bee and stung him on his
Ask no questions tell no lies
I saw a policeman pulling up his
Flies are a nusance, bee's are worse
This is the end of my little verse


Ooh! Aah! Ive lost my bra, I left it in my boyfriends car!


Kermit the frog got a smack in the gob,
For messing around with Miss Piggy
He pulled down her knicks
And squeezed her big tits
And now shes got three little piggies!


Mary had a little lamb
She kept it in a bucket
And everytime the lamb cried out
The bulldog used to fuck it!

Eeny meenie miney mo one:

There goes the monkey
running through the country
fell down a dark hole
Split his little arsehole
What colour was the bloody blood?


There was a vampire called Mabel
Whose periods where very unstable
Every full moon she'd pull out a spoon
And drink herself under the table!


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST,machree01
Date: 23 Aug 08 - 07:57 AM

Hey, diddle, diddle!
    The cat done a piddle,
over the bathroom mat;
    The little dog laughed
    To see such fun,
so he piddled all over the cat.

-----------------------------

Mary had a little lamb,
And the midwife
Nearly died when she seen it.
-----------------------------

There was a young girl called Breige?
Who let a fart, when she sneezed?
It hit off the wall, then went up to the sky,
And came right down, and hit her in the eye.


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: goatfell
Date: 22 Aug 08 - 09:27 AM

Mary had a little lamb
the farmer shot it dead
and now she takes it to school with her
between two bits of bread


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST,droptine
Date: 21 Aug 08 - 03:36 PM

jack and jill wentup the hill
each with a buck and a quarter
jill came down with two fifty
what a whore!

little boy blew, cause he needed the money!

little miss muffet sat on her tuffet
eating her curds and whey
along came a spider
and sat down beside her
and said, "whats it the bowl bitch!!"


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 03 Feb 08 - 04:32 AM

Chas,

There's a bit more to your rhyme. I remember it as:

Yellow belly custard
Green snot pie
All mixed together with a dead dog's eye
Spread it on a butty*
Spread it nice and thick
And wash it down with a cold cup of sick

DC

*For those who don't know butty = sandwich


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: Fidjit
Date: 02 Feb 08 - 12:03 PM

Cor that was a lot. Couldn't be bothered to go through them all. One I remember from my school days is :

Green and Yellow Custard
Snot and Boggey Pie
All Mixed Together
With A Dead Mans Eye.

I think the girls used to skip rope to that one.
Chas


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST,anom
Date: 02 Feb 08 - 01:36 AM

country girls are pritty u should c dem dance wen they lift their legs up high u can see their micky was a bullfrog sitting on a rock along came a bumble bee and stung him on his cocktails and ginger ale 50 c a glass if u dont like it u can kiss my ask me no questions tell me no lies i saw 2 coppers doin u der flies are a newsence misquetos are worse this is the end of my dirty lil verse


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST,Jamjam
Date: 01 Feb 08 - 09:22 PM

Miss Mary Mack Mack Mack
Ate food and blick blick blick blick
She told her mother mother mother
It taste like dick dick dick
She went outside side side
To puke away way way
Then came Jack Jack Jack
And f**cked her all day day day


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST,Jammy
Date: 01 Feb 08 - 12:33 AM

Okay:
Jack was nimble Jack was quick and put out the candle stick.
Mary tried and she wasn't slick, falling down it inserted like a dick


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST,Taliesin
Date: 01 Jan 08 - 10:13 AM

Here are a few. Most from Rhodesia in the sixties.

I took my girl to the station
to see the white train shunt.
A piece of steel
flew off the wheel
and hit her in...
The country boy from Germany
was sitting on a rock.
A bumblebee
Flew off the trees
and stung him on the...
Coctails and ginger ale
are hapenny a glass.
If you do not like them,
you can stick them up your...
Ask your mother for sixpence
to sing this song by heart.

Jack is nimble.
Jack is quick.
But Jill prefers
the candlestick.

The last one is an Irish protestant hate speech playground song.

My old man's an orangeman, no Fenian can deny.
He loves to fly the orange flag the first day of July.
He looks a lovely picture,
Marching with the rope.
He'd like to march right on to Rome and hang the fucking pope.

I do not in any way endorse the above, but found it pertinent to your thread.


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST,George Henderson
Date: 18 Dec 07 - 10:57 AM

Old mother Reilly she got drunk/
and fell in the fire and burnt her rump/
She gave the kids a copper a piece/
to rub her old arse with candle grease.


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST,Banjo Willy
Date: 17 Dec 07 - 02:18 PM

There was an old woman who lived in a shoe.
She had so many children, she could accommodate a rain barrel.

Peas porridge hot,
Peas porridge cold,
Peas porridge in the pot,
Nine days old.
THAT'S pretty pees poorage.

There was a young lad and his name was Billy.
He leapt over a candle and burnt his willy.
How silly.


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST,Nanny Joe
Date: 17 Dec 07 - 02:14 PM


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: Fred Maslan
Date: 16 Dec 07 - 08:47 PM

Algy met a bear
The bear met Algy.
The bear was bulgy
And the bulge was Algy.

Bessy met a Bus
And the bus met Bessy.
The bus was messy
And the mess was Bessy.


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST,*^^*aussie*^^*
Date: 16 Dec 07 - 06:46 PM

Ok duno where all u ppl r from but here's 2 i'v grown up with in AUS!!!!!


MARY had a little lamb
she thought it rather silly
she threw it up in the air
and cought it by it's
WILLY was a bulldog sitting in the grass
down came a bee and stung him up the
ASK no questions tell no lies i saw
two police men doing up their
FLIES are dirty fleas are worse
this is the end of my dirty little verse!!

          AND........


Mary had a little skirt
twas split right up the sides
and every time that mary walked
the boys could see her thighs
Mary had another skirt
twas split right up the front
and every time that mary walked
the boys could see her C*#@


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST,james henaghan
Date: 09 Oct 07 - 05:56 AM

a yellow bird
came walking by
i coached him in
with a pice of bread
and i kicked that bastard in the head

a puppy dog
came walking by
i coached him in
with a piece of beef
and i kicked that bastard in the tteath

a prostitute
came walking by
i coached her in
with a five pound note and i shoved my cock rite doown her throat

a little lamb
came walking by
i coached it in
with a pice of grass
and i shoved my cock rite up its ass


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST
Date: 01 Oct 07 - 11:49 AM

Lets try that again without hitting the tab key.

We three kings from orient are
Smoking on a rubber cigar
It was loaded and exploded
(pause)
We two kings from orient are, etc.


Comet, it makes your teeth turn green
Comet, it tastes like vaseline
Comet, it makes you vomit,
So use Comet, and vomit, today


If your with your honey
And her nose is runny
And you think it's funny
Don't laugh 'cause it's snot


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST,Neil D
Date: 01 Oct 07 - 11:43 AM

We three kings from orient are
Smoking on a rubber cigar
It was loaded and exploded


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST,Rock Girl Lily
Date: 30 Sep 07 - 11:55 PM

heres one

Yankee Doodle went to town riding on granny
hit a rock and lost his cock
and now hes got a fanny.


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: kendall
Date: 30 Sep 07 - 07:08 AM

Hickory Dickory Dock
Two mice ran up her sock
One stopped at her garter
The other was smarter
Hickory Dickory Dock.

When I was in the service, we were all standing at attention for Captain's inspection. He was a stone faced old bastard and brooked no nonsense.
I was in the front rank, and just as he approached, a guy behind me said in a barely audible voice:

"There was an old womam who lived in a shoe,
She had so many children her **** fell off." (* I hate that word)
Guess who caught the Captain's attention?

There was an old woman who lived in a shoe,
She had so many children she diodn't know what to do,
Obviously.


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: bubblyrat
Date: 30 Sep 07 - 05:22 AM

It"s " You"ll never be a sailor if your balls hang low "-----also, it"s " Do you get a funny feeling when you bang them on the ceiling ?".---- or it was in 1963, anyway !!


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: Susan B
Date: 29 Sep 07 - 07:11 PM

The Georgie Best one was sung around Manchester in the late 60s as:-

Georgie Best
Superstar
Walks like a woman
And wears a bra.

Anyway, my daughter inadvertently composed her own nasty rhyme at the tender age of 3. I hadn't realised that the tunes of "I had a little nutmeg" and Goosie Goosie Gander" were the same. She had muddled these up and added a dose of the book "The Little Postman", resulting in:-

I had a little postman
But nothing would he bear
So I took him by the nutmegs
And threw him down the stairs

That one went down really well at playgroup - I think they were ready to send out Social Services to us!

Night, night

Susan B


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST,Pat
Date: 29 Sep 07 - 05:39 PM

This is bringing back some memories. Here's a couple...

Georgie Best, superstar
He wears frilly knickers
And a brand new bra

..........

We three kings of Orient are
One in a taxi
One in a car
One on a scooter
Beeping his hooter
Following Ringo Starr

.........

Does anybody remember the rest of - Ooh ahh I lost my bra and left my knickers in my boyfriend's car?


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST
Date: 21 Sep 07 - 01:34 AM

You take the hatchet and I'll take the saw
And we'll chop off the head of my mother-in-law


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: Celtaddict
Date: 20 Sep 07 - 09:53 PM

Rice Krispies? This 'storyline' sounds as if it was from World War II; were they making Rice Krispies then? I thought breakfast cereal was a post-WWII product.


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST,FuBar
Date: 20 Sep 07 - 09:50 PM

Yup, me again. This time with requests:

Does anyone know the 'hornpipe' parody lyrics?
I can start it from memory, who can complete it?

Do yer balls hang low
Do you swing 'em to-and-fro
Can ya tie 'em in a knot
Can ya tie 'em in a bow
Do ya get a funny feeling when yer hanging from the ceiling...
(unable to remember final line of verse.)

Unable to remember further verses either, or potential chorus.


Oh, and the good-old Fraggle-Rock theme wasn't immune either:

Down at Fraggle-Rock
Grab a Fraggle by it's cock
Chuck 'im in the air
Catch 'im by 'is pubic-hair
Swing 'im round yer head
Make sure the fucker's dead!

Grab another one,
Shove a chainsaw up it's bum
(Can't remember this line)
Down at Fraggle-Rock!

There may be further verses too, perhaps someone else remembers?


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST,FuBar
Date: 20 Sep 07 - 09:37 PM

Here's more, as promised, and "it's a doozey":

The masterful Taboo song as heard on coach-journeys for things like school-trips etc. (Also known as "Three German Officers")

The tune (In case you hadn't worked it out) is "When Johnny Comes Marching Home".

Enjoy!:

Three German Officers in a tank, taboo, taboo,
Three German Officers in a tank, taboo, taboo,
Three German Officers in a tank, one to drive and two to w*nk,
Taboo, tabaye, tab*llockyeye, tab*llockyaye, taboo.

Three German Officers crossed the line, taboo, taboo,
Three German Officers crossed the line, etc
Three German Officers crossed the line to rape the women and drink the wine,
Taboo, tabaye, etc

They Stopped off at a way-side inn, etc
They stopped off at a way-side inn, etc
They stopped off at a way-side inn, knocked on the door and kicked it in,
Taboo etc.

The landlord had a maiden fair, etc
The landlord had a maiden fair, etc
The landlord had a maiden fair, with great big tits and long blonde hair,
taboo etc

They dragged her up the rickety stairs, etc
They dragged her up the rickety stairs, etc
They dragged her up the rickety stairs, by her single pubic hair,
Taboo etc.

They tied her down on to the bed, etc
They tied her down on to the bed, etc
They tied her down on to the bed, s*agged her hard until she was dead (told you it was twisted)
Taboo etc

The Padre thought it was a shame, etc
The Padre thought it was a shame, etc
The Padre thought it was a shame, and ******ed her back to life again.

Three German Officers they got shot, etc
Three German Officers they got shot, etc
Three German Officers they got shot, two in the head and one in the c*ck,
Taboo etc

Three German Officers went to hell, etc
Trhee German Officers went to hell,
Three German Officers went to hel, ******ed the Devil and his wife as well,
Taboo, tabaye, tab*llockyaye, tab*llocky eye, taboo!


I also found this alternative version which is quite similar:

Taboo (Three German Officers):

Three German officers in a tank, taboo, taboo Three German officers in a tank, taboo, taboo Three German officers in a tank, One to drive and two to wank

Chorus: Taboo, Tab-eye, Ta-bollocky-eye, Ta-bollocky-eye, Taboo Singing Nah, nah,nah,nah, rice krispies every day Get in, get out, stop fu**ing about, get in, get out of the rain

Three German officers crossed the rhine, taboo, taboo Three German officers crossed the rhine, taboo, taboo Three German officers crossed the rhine, raped the women and drank the wine

Chorus

They came accross a wayside inn, taboo, taboo x2 They came accross a wayside in, pissed on the cat and walked right in

Chorus

The landlord had a daughter fair, taboo, taboo x2 The landlord had a daughter fair, the biggest tits and long blond hair.

They took her up the rickety stairs, taboo, taboo(x2), they took her up the rickety stairs, and pulled out all her long blond hairs

Chorus

They tied her to the end of the bed, taboo, taboo(x2), they tied her to the end of the bed, and shagged her till she was nearly dead

They took her down the leafy lane, taboo, taboo(x2), they took her down the leafy lane, and shagged her back to life again

Chorus

The land lord had a trusty gun, taboo, taboo x2 The landlord had a trusty gun, shot the barstards one by one

Chorus

(Sung slowly but speeds up quickly at the end of the verse) Three german officers went to hell, Taboo, Taboo x2 - (Sung slowly) Three german officers went to hell (the next bit sung fast) shagged the devils wife as well

Chorus Taboo, Tab-eye, Ta-bollocky-eye, Ta-bollocky-eye, Taboo Singing Nah, nah,nah,nah, rice krispies every day Get in, get out, stop fu**ing about, get in, get out of the rain


Sadly I can't claim I remembered the song verbatum, I cheated and found it online somewhere. Figured you guyz/galz would like it all the same.


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST,FuBar
Date: 20 Sep 07 - 09:27 PM

Mary had a little lamb
She also had a bear
I've often seen her little lamb
But I've never seen her bear (/bare)

Mary had a little blouse
'twas tatterd all to bits
And everywhere that Mary went
It showed her little tits!

Mary had a little skirt
'Twas split right up the front
And everywhere that Mary went
... She had to sit down all the time. (Yeah right.)

Mary's lamb had foot'n'mouth
Her father went and shot it
But Mary's dad had shagged the lamb
And now her mother's got it!

Mary had a little lamb
It's fleace was covered in lard
And every step that Mary took
She slipped back half a yard.

Old mother hubbard went to her cupboard to fetch her dog Rover a bone,
But when she bent over, Rover took over, and gave her a bone of his own.


Here's an 'Arkalah' song (spelling?) I remember from 'Scouts. Substitute 'Arkalah' with anyone you hate provided it's 3 sylables:

On top of old Smokey
All covered in mud,
There was Arkalah
All covered in blood;

A knife through her belly
An axe in her head,
(missing words here, possibly "it wasn't long before")
I knew she was dead;

I went to her funeral
I went to her grave,
Some people threw flowers
I lobbed a grenade!

And she went up, up, up
And then she came down, down, down
(more missing words, possibly "then she made a big hole")
Right in the ground.

I had a funny feeling
She wasn't quite dead...
So I got my Bazooka
And blew off her head!


I got more, but this post is long enough for now. I'll send more later, probably.


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: Mick Tems
Date: 03 Aug 07 - 01:59 AM

"Taffy was a welshman
Taffy was a thief
Taffy came to our house
And stole a leg of beef..."

The nursery rhyme is derived from the Normans who invaded Wales, drove the Welsh back to the hills and occupied the fertile land. The Welsh resisted and formed raiding parties, carrying off the Normans' cattle and food to the safety and protection of the hills. One notable raider was Ifor Bach, who who lived above Caerffili and staged successful raids on the land around Cardiff. So now you know!


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST,Spider EyeZz
Date: 03 Aug 07 - 12:56 AM

Here R Some


HEY DIDDLE, DIDDLE
Hey diddle, diddle
The cat took a piddle,
All over the bedside clock.
The little dog laughed to see such fun.
Then died of electric shock




HEY DIDDLE, DIDDLE
Hey diddle diddle
the cat did a piddle
the cow jumped over the moon the
little dog barfed to see such fun and ate it all up with a spoon




POST MAN PAT
Postman pat,
Postman pat,
Postman pat ran over his cat, blood and gut were flying
Postman pat was crying
That will teach him not to drink and drive





1000 STICKS OF DYNAMITE SITTING ON A WALL        
1000 sticks of dynamite sitting on a wall
1000 sticks of dynamite sitting on a wall
And if one stick of dynamite should accidentally fall...
There'll be no sticks of dynamite and no f**king wall




HUMPTY DUMPTY
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
All the King's horses and all the King's man
Couldn't give a FUCK 2 put him 2 gether again




Roses are red viliots are blue they don't stink but you do




NOW THIS ONES A BIT LONG BUT IT KINDA FUNNY

THERE WAS AN OLD LADY
There was an old lady who swallowed a poo i do not know why she swallowd that POO purhaps she'll spew,

There was an old lady who swallowed a DUNNY that flushed N gushed N made her smell funny she swallowd the DUNNY 2 catch the POO i do not know why she swallowd that POO purhaps she'll spew,

There was an old lady who swallowed a PLUMMER could you get any dummer 2 swallow a PLUMMER she swallowd the PLUMMER 2 fix the DUNNY that flushed N gushed N made her smell funny she swallowd the DUNNY to catch the POO i do not know why she swallowd that POO purhaps she'll spew,

There was an old lady who burped with great force she spude of corse

LOL Hope This Is Funny


ALWAYS

SPIDER_EYEZZ


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: Snuffy
Date: 01 Aug 07 - 06:58 PM

....

I went to Taffy's house
Taffy was in bed
So I picked up a hammer
And whacked him on the head


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST,ifor
Date: 01 Aug 07 - 12:29 PM

Taffy was a welshman
Taffy was a thief
Taffy came to our house
And stole a leg of beef

I went to Taffy's house
Taffy was not at home
...
cant remember the rest!!!!

ifor


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: Edmond
Date: 01 Aug 07 - 11:24 AM

To the tune of 'These Foolish Things'

A wanky hankie in a London taxi ;
A pair of underpants gone hard and waxy
And how they cling - these foolish things, etc

The dirty laughter from the gents' urinals
The quack abortionist who'd failed his finals

The foetid odour of a used French letter ;
A dose of clap that simply won't get better
And how it stings, etc

And when you stripped off in the bedroom after
I saw your tits and pissed meself with laughter
For how the left one swings, etc


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: Edmond
Date: 01 Aug 07 - 08:23 AM

Yankee Doodle went to town
On a cart and pony.
He let a fart that split the cart
And paralysed the pony.

Ann Maguire pissed in the fire
The fire was too hot so she pissed in the pot.
The pot was too round so she pissed on the ground.
The ground was too hard so she pissed in the yard.
The yard was too fat so she pissed on the cat -
The cat ran away with the piss on its back.

Davy Crockett built a rocket.
The rocket went "Bang !"
His balls went "Clang !"
And he found his prick in his pocket.

Considering it was a Catholic school . . .


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: Snuffy
Date: 25 Jul 07 - 09:10 AM

Mick, I've always heard it as:

Pardon me for being so rude
It was not me, it was my food
It just popped up to say "hello"
And now it's gone back down below.


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: Mick Tems
Date: 25 Jul 07 - 07:32 AM

Mary had a little lime
And then a little gin
And everywhere that Mary went
She didn't know she'd bin
................

Mary had a little lamb
She also had a bear
I've often seen her little lamb
I've also seen her bear
..................

(Following a belch at the dinner table - a South Wales rhyme)

Pardon me for being so rude
It was not me, it was my food
And if I did not make amends
It would come out the other end
......................

(Another South Wales rhyme, upon seeing a plate of delicious food)

Yum yum
Pig's bum!
.......................


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: goatfell
Date: 25 Jul 07 - 07:17 AM

that last one sounds like one of the goons would say


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST
Date: 25 Jul 07 - 05:39 AM

This one comes from Half Man Half Biscuit:

Mary had a little lamb
The doctors were astounded
And everywhere that Mary went
Gynecologists surrounded.

And this is from Maurice Condie:

There was a young lady from Bude
Who went for swim in a pond
A man in a punt
Stuck his pole in the water
And says "you can't swim here, it's private."


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST,lestamore
Date: 24 Jul 07 - 08:20 PM

this has probably been mentioned

miss mary had a steamboat
the steamboad had a bell
miss mary went to heaven
and the steamboat went to..

hello operator
please give me number nine
and if you disconnect me
I'll chop off your..

behind the 'frigerator
there was a peice of glass
miss suzy sat upon it
and it went right up her..

Ask me no more questions
I'll tell you no more lies
the boys are in the bathroom
zipping up their..

flies are in the city
bees are in the park
and 25 boys and 25 girls
are kissing in the D A R K D A R K Dark

It's dark just like a movie
and a movie's like a show
a show play's on the TV set
and that's not all I know

I also know my mama
I also know my pa
I also know my sister
with the 47 bra!


Gee.. I can't beleive i remembered that


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST,ibo
Date: 24 Jul 07 - 02:28 PM

little jack horner sat in the corner
eating an apple pie
he put in his thumb,and pulled out a plum
and said WHATS A F'/;ING PLUM DOING IN AN APPLE PIE


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: SINSULL
Date: 24 Jul 07 - 02:23 PM

Mary had a little lamb
With mint jelly.

Little Miss Muffet
Sat on her tuffet
Eating her curds and whey.
Along came a spider
Who sat down beside her
And said "Is this seat taken?"

Ching Ching Chinaman
Sittin' on a fence
Tryin' to make a dollar
Out of sixteen cents.

Rich girls wear ruffles on their pants
Poor girls wear them plain
If you don't wear none at all
You should be ashamed.


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: Edmond
Date: 24 Jul 07 - 10:57 AM

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
All the King's horses and all the King's man
Couldn't give a FUCK.

Mary, Mary, quite contrary
How does your garden grow ?
With silver bells and cockle shells
And lots of horse shit.

Simple Simon met a pieman
Going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the pieman
"What have you got there ?"
"Pies, you daft twat."

Yellow matter custard, green snot pie
All mixed up with a dead dog's eye.
Spread it on a butty, nice and thick
Swallow it down with a cup of cold sick.

Pussy cat, pussy cat, where have you been ?
I've been up to London to see the Queen.
Pussy cat, pussy cat, what did you there?
Pissed on the Queen's carpet, shat on the Queen's chair.


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST,.gargoyle
Date: 19 Jul 07 - 08:21 PM

Circa early 1960's west coast USA.

When three males are walking, side-by-side down a sidewalk, road, or trail:

Responce between two outermost males:
Hey....Left ball!
Hey....Right ball!
Who's the dick in the middle?

Quickly followed by both outsiders punching "the dick" in the arms.

Sincerely,
Gargoyle


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST,.gargoyle
Date: 19 Jul 07 - 12:54 AM

Probably posted many years past in another thread, circa 1920's, western USA.

If a pig drinks a quart of buttermilk before he starts,
And runs a mile before he farts,
The farther he runs,
The tighter he gets,
How many miles before he .....hmmmmmmmm?

Sincerely,
Gargoyle


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Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: Celtaddict
Date: 19 Jul 07 - 12:53 AM

Our version (Oklahoma, 1950s) of 'Greasy Grimy Gopher Guts' went
Great green gobs of greasy grimy gopher guts
Mutilated monkey meat, dirty little birdy feet,
Sneezed-up snake snot, bashed in beetle brains,
And me without a spoon (but I got a straw!)
Actually I more often heard 'mutilated monkey meat, petrified parrot urp' which sounded suitably disgusting but did not rhyme. ('Urp' was kid-colloquial for 'vomit')
And we ended all the almost-rhyme ones (--- had a steamboat etc.) with
Behind our icebox is a piece of glass
If you sit upon it, you will cut your
Ask me no questions, I'll tell you no lies,
If you don't open up your mouth, you won't catch any flies.
I wonder why all the ones above mention glass but if you sit upon it you will break your [ask]? Cut makes more sense.


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