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BS: Heard any good ones lately

Amos 09 Sep 02 - 12:04 PM
Uncle_DaveO 09 Sep 02 - 11:39 AM
Jim Dixon 09 Sep 02 - 01:35 AM
Bert 08 Sep 02 - 10:49 PM
Bill D 08 Sep 02 - 08:02 PM
Mr Happy 08 Sep 02 - 07:54 PM
Bill D 08 Sep 02 - 07:49 PM
C-flat 08 Sep 02 - 06:18 PM
beachcomber 08 Sep 02 - 05:26 PM
Uncle_DaveO 07 Sep 02 - 04:20 PM
gnu 07 Sep 02 - 06:22 AM
gnu 25 Aug 02 - 07:31 AM
fenman 09 Aug 02 - 06:22 AM
Kim C 08 Aug 02 - 11:05 AM
Pete Jennings 07 Aug 02 - 12:56 PM
Trevor 07 Aug 02 - 11:29 AM
John O'L 28 Jul 02 - 09:25 PM
Helen 28 Jul 02 - 08:48 PM
Shields Folk 28 Jul 02 - 02:02 PM
Uncle_DaveO 28 Jul 02 - 01:31 PM
Jim Dixon 28 Jul 02 - 11:55 AM
Ian Darby 20 Jul 02 - 10:48 PM
Uncle_DaveO 20 Jul 02 - 06:18 PM
Uncle_DaveO 20 Jul 02 - 03:39 PM
C-flat 20 Jul 02 - 08:09 AM
gnu 20 Jul 02 - 06:52 AM
Uncle_DaveO 19 Jul 02 - 02:59 PM
Uncle_DaveO 18 Jul 02 - 08:19 PM
GUEST,Steve 18 Jul 02 - 11:19 AM
GUEST,Kim C no cookie 17 Jul 02 - 02:00 PM
Bullfrog Jones 17 Jul 02 - 05:38 AM
Nigel Parsons 17 Jul 02 - 05:01 AM
Trevor 17 Jul 02 - 04:56 AM
GUEST,Steve 16 Jul 02 - 04:06 PM
Deda 16 Jul 02 - 04:05 PM
Uncle_DaveO 16 Jul 02 - 03:57 PM
GUEST,Foe 16 Jul 02 - 03:06 PM
GUEST,Just Amy 16 Jul 02 - 03:05 PM
Bill D 16 Jul 02 - 11:38 AM
Uncle_DaveO 16 Jul 02 - 10:00 AM
Auxiris 16 Jul 02 - 05:52 AM
Trevor 16 Jul 02 - 04:56 AM
Nigel Parsons 16 Jul 02 - 04:49 AM
Nigel Parsons 16 Jul 02 - 04:45 AM
Bill D 15 Jul 02 - 09:45 PM
Bill D 15 Jul 02 - 09:31 PM
Bill D 15 Jul 02 - 09:28 PM
Bill D 15 Jul 02 - 09:22 PM
GUEST,Just Amy 15 Jul 02 - 08:39 PM
Art Thieme 15 Jul 02 - 06:56 PM
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Subject: RE: BS: Heard any good ones lately
From: Amos
Date: 09 Sep 02 - 12:04 PM

"Heard any good ones lately? II"

A


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Subject: RE: BS: Heard any good ones lately
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 09 Sep 02 - 11:39 AM

This thread is too long, and timing out. Please put new jokes in "Heard any good ones lately? II", which I just opened.

Dave Oesterreich


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Subject: RE: BS: Heard any good ones lately
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 09 Sep 02 - 01:35 AM

[Copied from the "Car Talk" web site: http://cartalk.cars.com/time-kill/archives/officer.html]

A farmer was pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed and, in general, began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable.

Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.

The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?"

The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said—"Well yeah, if that's what they are—I never heard of circle flies."

So the farmer says, "Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."

The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stops and says, "Hey… wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horse's ass?"

The farmer says, "Oh no, Officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse's ass."

The trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket.

After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies though."


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Subject: RE: BS: Heard any good ones lately
From: Bert
Date: 08 Sep 02 - 10:49 PM

Little Johnny comes home from school and is doing his homework.
His mother hears him ..."One plus one sunofabitch is two, two plus two sunofabitch is four"...
His mother stops him, "What on earth are you saying? Where did you learn that?"
Little Johnny replies "Teacher told me at school"

So mother storms off to see the teacher "And just what have you been teaching my Johnny?"
Teacher "Why?, just arithmatic!"
Mother "You mean One plus one sunofabitch is two???"
Teacher rolls on floor laughing, when she recovers she explains "No, no, no, One plus one THE SUM OF WHICH IS TWO"


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Subject: RE: BS: Heard any good ones lately
From: Bill D
Date: 08 Sep 02 - 08:02 PM

*shrug*....she was a VERY little girl, who hadn't learned to lithp pwoperly yet----

---------------------------------------------------

A lady from California purchased a piece of timber land in Oregon. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted to get a good view of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top, she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the lady slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her private parts. In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor. He listened to her story then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She sat and waited for three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry lady demanded, "What took you so long?" > The unperturbed doctor replied, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area."


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Subject: RE: BS: Heard any good ones lately
From: Mr Happy
Date: 08 Sep 02 - 07:54 PM

shouldn't that be a 'thyit'?


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Subject: RE: BS: Heard any good ones lately
From: Bill D
Date: 08 Sep 02 - 07:49 PM

A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp: "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabbits?"

The shopkeeper gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks: "Do you want a wittle white wabby or a soft and fuwwy black wabby or maybe one like that cute wittle brown wabby over there?"

The little girl puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice: "I don't fink my pyfon weally gives a thit!"


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Subject: RE: BS: Heard any good ones lately
From: C-flat
Date: 08 Sep 02 - 06:18 PM

After the death of her husband, an old lady of 86 years decided she would like to be reunited with the man she'd spent over 60 years married to. She decided the easiest way to end it all would be to shoot herself in the heart. The problem with this plan was that she wasn't sure exactly where her heart was.
She sought advice from a friend, "Your heart is just below your left breast" she was reliably informed.
The next day an elderly lady was admitted to the local hospital with a gunshot wound to her left knee!


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Subject: RE: BS: Heard any good ones lately
From: beachcomber
Date: 08 Sep 02 - 05:26 PM

Yea, I heard a great one ; somebody (don't know what nationality he was) kicked Skipper Jack in the orchestra stalls!

beachcomber


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Subject: RE: BS: Heard any good ones lately
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 07 Sep 02 - 04:20 PM

Classified sections of city newspapers

Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.

Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.

Get rid of aunts. Zap does the job in 24 hours.

Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.

For Rent: 6 room hated apartment.

Man, honest. Will take anything.

Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated. Come here first.

Christmas tag sale. Handmade gifts for the hard to find person.

Wanted: Hair cutter. Excellent growth potential.

Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.

Wanted. Widower with school age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.

And now, the Superstore unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.

We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.


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Subject: RE: BS: Heard any good ones lately
From: gnu
Date: 07 Sep 02 - 06:22 AM

This one is much better.... I promise...

An Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman are all playing golf with their wives.

The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee and as she bends over to place her ball a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.

"Good God! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?" her husband demanded.

"Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford to buy any."

The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says," For the sake of decency here's 50 pounds, go and buy yourself some underwear."

Next the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt blows up to show that she is wearing no undies.

"Bejesus woman. You've no knickers - why not?"

She replies "I can't afford any on the money you give me."

He reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency here's 20 pounds, go and buy yourself some underwear!"

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she too is naked under it.

"Hoot, lassie! Why d'ye have no knickers?"

She too explains, "You don't give me enough housekeeping money to be able to afford any."

The Scot reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency here's a comb. Tidy yourself up a bit!"


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Subject: RE: BS: Heard any good ones lately
From: gnu
Date: 25 Aug 02 - 07:31 AM

1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is basketball
2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is Bowling.
3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is Football.
4. The sport of choice for supervisors is Baseball.
5. The sport of choice for middle management is Tennis.
6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is Golf.
THE AMAZING CONCLUSION
The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.


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Subject: RE: BS: Heard any good ones lately
From: fenman
Date: 09 Aug 02 - 06:22 AM

It was the day that we all remember where we were at that time. Mr Bush and Mr Blair were riding together in the open top, outriders all around....it happened......the wheel that fell off the 747 landed fair and square on the car......SPLAT..... nowt but strawberry jam...........SO.... Mr Bush at the pearly gates, St Peter there, " Come on in Mr Bush, we've been expecting you" "If it's all same to you Peter, I'll wait for my good friend Mr Blair " "Mr Blair...no, we do'nt have anyone by that name coming in today you are the last one today" " You got it wrong Peter I saw him.....pulp he's either coming in or here already....... Hey look there, that cloud up there, all lit up with the big Tony Blair logo and the Anything Anywhere Anytime banner......Thats my friend Tony!!!!!!!....."Sorry to disapoint you Mr Bush, the book's right. Thats God up there.... He just wants to be Tony Blair"


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Subject: RE: BS: Heard any good ones lately
From: Kim C
Date: 08 Aug 02 - 11:05 AM

I heard this on Prairie Home Companion - I think Aly Bain actually told it but I don't remember.

Fergus loved books and went to a local book fair. Among the treasures he brought back was The Joy Of Sex.

He says to his wife Fiona, "Well, you see, I've bought this book, The Joy of Sex, and I've found a new position we should try."

"Well, all right, Fergus, what is it?"

"It's called the Wheelbarrow... remember when we were young, and we used to have the wheelbarrow races, where you'd get on your hands, and the person behind you held your legs up? Like that."

"All right then, Fergus, I'll try it, but on two conditions."

"What's that, Fiona?"

"First, if it hurts my back, we'll stop."

"But of course."

"Second, I don't want to go past me Mum's house."


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Subject: RE: BS: Heard any good ones lately
From: Pete Jennings
Date: 07 Aug 02 - 12:56 PM

Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle-aged couple and a young, newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor said, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks." The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.

The pastor went to the elderly couple and asked, "Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" The old man replied, "No problem at all, Pastor."

"Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor.

The pastor went to the middle-aged couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" The man replied, "The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes we made it."

"Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor.

The pastor then went to the newlywed couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?" "No Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied sadly.

"What Happened?" inquired the pastor.

"My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there."

"You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor.

"We know." said the young man, "We're not welcome in Safeway anymore either."

Pete


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Subject: RE: BS: Heard any good ones lately
From: Trevor
Date: 07 Aug 02 - 11:29 AM

Little boy out shopping with Mum sees two dogs mating in the road.

'What are they doing Mummy?'

'Well, the one at the back is a daddy dog, and the one at the front is a mummy dog, and they love each other very much and their making a little puppy..'

'Oh, are they Mummy, that's nice isn't it?'

Later that night little boy has bad dream and runs into Mummy and Daddy's room., catching them in flagrante.

'What are you doing Daddy?'

'Well, Mummy and Daddy love each other very much, and we're making a little brother or sister for you..'

'Well can you turn her over, I'd rather have a puppy!'


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Subject: RE: BS: Heard any good ones lately
From: John O'L
Date: 28 Jul 02 - 09:25 PM

I had to take my 4-year old son for a blood test but we left because the nurse started calling him names.
Just as she was about to give him the jab she leaned over him and said it really quietly so I wouldn't hear, but I did hear.
"Just a little prick," she whispered.
"At least he's not a scurvy bitch like you," I said as we left.


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Subject: RE: BS: Heard any good ones lately
From: Helen
Date: 28 Jul 02 - 08:48 PM

Trevor,

I've been telling everyone I know your parrot joke. I'm losing lots of friends, but I'm enjoying myself.

And now Shileds Folk has given me another one to annoy everyone with.

Also, Trevor, that brown & sticky joke is one of my favourites too. No accounting for humour, I suppose. (grin)

*******

A joke I like telling to Americans is:

Did you hear about the (insert ethnic identifier here) tap dancer?

He fell down the drain.

********

Oz-speak explanation available on request for a nominal fee (tee-hee!)

Helen


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Subject: RE: BS: Heard any good ones lately
From: Shields Folk
Date: 28 Jul 02 - 02:02 PM

Two cannibals where sitting eating a clown. One cannibal turned to the other and said," Does this taste funny to you?"


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Subject: RE: BS: Heard any good ones lately
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 28 Jul 02 - 01:31 PM

Marcy, a beautiful young woman, just moved to a new city, had a terrible toothache. She had to search for a dentist taking new patients, and finally found a young handsome dentist just beginning to practice.

She went in for her appointment. The relationship was instant and electric! They had passionate sex right there in the dentist's chair!

He was SO handsome, and the sex SO good, she went back the following week. Same events. GOOD!

And so on for weeks, and weeks, and weeks...

Finally Dr. John said, "Marcy, our relationship has been absolutely wonderful, but it has to stop. Now."

"Oh, why? Why, John? Was it something I did?"

"No. You only have one tooth left."


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Subject: RE: BS: Heard any good ones lately
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 28 Jul 02 - 11:55 AM

So God opened a large can of tuna and reached for a chunk of rye bread, and he and Mother Teresa shared it.

While eating this humble meal, Mother Teresa looked down into Hell and saw the inhabitants devouring huge steaks, lobsters, pheasants, pastries, and wines. Curious, but deeply trusting, she remained quiet.

The next day, God again invited her to join him for a meal. Again, it was tuna and rye bread. Once again, Mother Teresa could see the denizens of Hell enjoying caviar, champagne, lamb, truffles, and chocolates. Still, she said nothing.

The following day, mealtime arrived, and another can of tuna was opened. She couldn't contain herself any longer. Meekly, she said, "God, I am grateful to be in Heaven with you as a reward for the pious, obedient life I led. But, here in Heaven, all I get to eat is tuna and a piece of rye bread, and in the Other Place, they eat like emperors and kings! I just don't understand."

God sighed. "Let's be honest," he said. "For just two people, does it really pay to cook?"


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Subject: RE: BS: Heard any good ones lately
From: Ian Darby
Date: 20 Jul 02 - 10:48 PM

Elephant to mouse: "Why are you so small?"

Mouse: "I've been ill."

Why do moths have small balls? Not many of them can dance.

Why do moths fly with their legs apart? Have you seen the size of moth balls?

What do you have if you are holding a green ball in each hand?

The complete and undivided attention of a Leprechaun.

And from a much missed celtic website which I'm too smashed to remember the name of.....

"I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my Grandpa, not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car."

"Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes."

"If a man is alone in a forest with no woman around to hear, is he still wrong?"

"The gene pool could use a little chlorine."

"Make something idiot proof and sure enough along comes a better idiot...."

"Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate clauses."


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Subject: RE: BS: Heard any good ones lately
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 20 Jul 02 - 06:18 PM

One morning this blonde calls her friend and says, "Please come over and help me. I have this killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to start it."

Her friend asks, "What is it a puzzle of?"

The blonde says, "From the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

The blonde's friend figures that he's pretty good at puzzles, so he heads over to her place. She lets him in the door and shows him to where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, and then studies the box.

He then turns to her and says: "First, no matter what I do, I'm not going to be able to show you how to assemble these to look like the picture of that tiger."

"Second, I'd advise you to relax, have a cup of coffee, and put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."


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Subject: RE: BS: Heard any good ones lately
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 20 Jul 02 - 03:39 PM

A mother and her son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?" The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess.

So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?" The boy admitted that this was the case. "Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Your mother can explain it to you."


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Subject: RE: BS: Heard any good ones lately
From: C-flat
Date: 20 Jul 02 - 08:09 AM

I guy is worried about his pet parrot so he takes it to the vet. The vet looks at the motionless bird,
"I'm sorry but your parrot is dead" he pronounces.
"Are you sure?" the horrified man says,
"I'm afraid so" replies the vet.
"I can't believe it" says the man "You're absolutely sure it's not just sick or in a coma or something?" desperation in his voice.
The vet, out of pity, offers to carry out some further tests.
"Anything!" agrees the, now tearful, man.
The vet walks to the door and opens it, allowing a black Labrador dog, that had been waiting obediently outside, to enter. The dog walks up to the table where the parrot is lain and sniffs around it. It then looks at the vet and, with a shake of it's head, leaves the room.
At that, a cat enters, jumps up on the table, sniffs the bird and, looking at the vet, solemnly shakes his head and leaves the room also.
"It's conclusive!" the vet says to the bemused man, "That'll be £150"
"Are you serious?" spluttered the parrots owner "£150 to tell me my parrot is dead and there's nothing you can do!"
"Well" says the vet,"Ordinarily I would charge £10 for an examination but with the LAB test and the CAT scan...............


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Subject: RE: BS: Heard any good ones lately
From: gnu
Date: 20 Jul 02 - 06:52 AM

Six retired Floridians were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Meyerwitz loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing standing up. Finkelstein looks around and asks, "So, who's gonna' tell his wife?"

They draw straws. Goldberg picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse. "Discreet? I'm the most discreet mensch you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me."

Goldberg goes over to the Meyerwitz apartment, knocks on the door. The wife answers and asks what he wants. Goldberg declares, "Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to come home." The wife says, "Tell him to drop dead!" "I'll go tell him." says Goldberg.


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Subject: RE: BS: Heard any good ones lately
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 19 Jul 02 - 02:59 PM

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw an unusually beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight toward his seat. Lo and behold, she took the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?" She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniac convention in Chicago".

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?

"Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really," he said, "what myths are those?"

Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.

Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent. We have, however, found that the best potential lover in all categories is the Southern Redneck."

Suddenly, the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing this with you. I don't even know your name."

Tonto", the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."


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Subject: RE: BS: Heard any good ones lately
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 18 Jul 02 - 08:19 PM

Some Wal-Mart customers soon will be able to sample a new discount item --

Walmart's own brand of wine.

The world's largest retail chain is teaming up with E&J Gallo Winery of Modesto, Calif.,to produce the spirits at an affordable price; in the $6-8 range.

While wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to throw a bottle of Wal-Mart brand wine into their shopping carts, there is a market for inexpensive wine, said Kathy Micken, professor of marketing at Roger Williams University in Bristol, R.I. She said: "The right name is important."

So, with that in mind, here are the top 12 suggested names for Wal-Mart Wine:

12. Chateau Traileur Doublewide
11. White Trashfindel
10. Big Red Gulp
9. Grape Expectations
8. Domaine Walmart "Merde du Pays"
7. NASCARbernet
6. Chef Boyardeaux
5. Peanut Noir
4. Chateau des Moines
3. I Can't Believe It's Not Vinegar!
2. World Championship Wriesling

And the number 1 name for Wal-Mart Wine...

1. Nasti Spumante


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Subject: RE: BS: Heard any good ones lately
From: GUEST,Steve
Date: 18 Jul 02 - 11:19 AM

Oh yes. Sorry about that!

What sort of noise annoys an oyster?

Any noise annoys an oyster

But a noisy noise annoys an oyster most.


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Subject: RE: BS: Heard any good ones lately
From: GUEST,Kim C no cookie
Date: 17 Jul 02 - 02:00 PM

(a friend e-mailed me this and I pasted it so I don't know how it's going to come out....)

Two airline mechanics (good drinking buddies) are in the hanger at Newark, where the runway is fogged in, and they have nothing to do. John says, "Man, I would kill for a drink right about now, you got a beer?"

"Nah" says Bill, "but a guy told me that you can drink jet fuel, and that it will give you a hell of a buzz". So they proceed to drink some jet fuel and get wasted. They have a great time, as only good drinking buddies can.

Next morning John expects to have a hellacious hangover, but he is amazed that he doesn't. Not even a headache. The phone rings and it's Bill, asking how he feels. "I feel great" says John. "No hangover at all". Bill says "Me neither!". That jet fuel is great stuff. We should do that more often!".

"Yeah, I suppose" says Bill. But there is one thing. Did you fart yet"?

"No. Why"? says John

Bill says "Because I'm in Phoenix".


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Subject: RE: BS: Heard any good ones lately
From: Bullfrog Jones
Date: 17 Jul 02 - 05:38 AM

This bloke (no not him, another one) decides he wants a pet, so he goes to the pet shop and says he wants something really unusual, that no one else has. So the pet shop owner says "I've got just the thing for you -- a talking centipede". "Cool -- I'll take it" says the guy. So he heads home with the talking centipede in a little box. When he gets there he puts the box on the table and says "How about I take you to the pub, and we'll have a few beers and a chat, get to know each other." The centipede doesn't say anything, so the guy goes off to get changed. He comes back a while later and says "So, how about it then -- down the pub for a few beers?". Still no reply from the centipede, so the guy goes off and watches TV for a while. Eventually he comes back and says "So, what about going to the pub for a drink?" The centipede says "For fuck's sake, I heard you the first time. I'm putting my shoes on!"

BJ


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Subject: RE: BS: Heard any good ones lately
From: Nigel Parsons
Date: 17 Jul 02 - 05:01 AM

Guest: Steve's joke (2 up) appears to bring the thread full circle, being a re-telling of the initial post.

A giraffe goes into a pub and shouts "The highballs are on me!"

Nigel


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Subject: RE: BS: Heard any good ones lately
From: Trevor
Date: 17 Jul 02 - 04:56 AM

Her Side of the Story:

He was in an odd mood Sunday night. We planned to meet at a bar for a drink.

I spent the afternoon shopping with the girls and I thought it might have been my fault because I was a bit later than I promised, but he didn't say anything much about it.

The conversation was very slow going so I thought we should go off somewhere more intimate so we could talk more privately. We went to this restaurant and he was STILL acting a bit funny. I tried to cheer him up and started to wonder whether it was me or something else. I asked him, and he said no. But I wasn't really sure.

So anyway, in the car on the way back home, I said that I loved him deeply and he just put his arm around me. I didn't know what the hell that meant because you know he didn't say it back or anything.

We finally got back home and I was wondering if he was going to leave me! So I tried to get him to talk but he just switched on the TV.

Reluctantly, I said I was going to go to bed. Then after about 10 minutes, he joined me and to my surprise, we made love. But, he still seemed really distracted, so afterwards I just wanted to confront him but I just cried myself to sleep. I just don't know what to do anymore. I mean, I really think he's seeing someone else. > > --------------------------------------------

His Side of the Story: > > England lost. Had a Good Shag Though


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Subject: RE: BS: Heard any good ones lately
From: GUEST,Steve
Date: 16 Jul 02 - 04:06 PM

So this giraffe goes into a pub (this, like me, is in England) and orders a pint of beer.

"Beer?", says the barman, "giraffes don't drink beer!"

"Look," says the giraffe, I've got the money - I'll decide what I want to drink."

So the barman shrugs his shoulders, serves him his beer and takes the money.

The giraffe sinks the pint in five seconds flat (like the beer!) and orders another. This is repeated several more times until the giraffe is decidedly unsteady on its legs. Eventually the giraffe collapses on the floor.

At that point one of the regulars comes in and sees the prostrate animal.

"What's that lyin' there?" he asks.

"That's not a lion", says the landlord, "it's a giraffe."


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Subject: RE: BS: Heard any good ones lately
From: Deda
Date: 16 Jul 02 - 04:05 PM

These are excuse notes from parents (including original spelling) collected by schools from all over the USA.
1. My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.

2. Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
3. Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.
4. Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.
5. Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
7. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.
8. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.
9. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
10. Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
11. Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (diahre) (dyrea) (direathe) the shits. [words in ()'s were crossed out.]
12. Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.
13. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
14. Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.
15. I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear.
16. Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.
17. Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.
18. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.
19. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.
20. Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
21. Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.
22. Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.
23. Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.
24. Please excuse little Jimmy for not being in school yesterday. His father is gone and I could not get him ready because I was in bed with the doctor.


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Subject: RE: BS: Heard any good ones lately
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 16 Jul 02 - 03:57 PM

Virus Warning

This virus warning is genuine. There is a new virus going around, called "work". If you receive any sort of "work" at all, whether via email, internet or simply handed to you by a colleague.... DO NOT OPEN IT. This has been circulating around our building for months and those who have been tempted to open "work" or even look at "work" have found that their social life is deleted and their brain ceases to function properly. If you do encounter "work" via email or are faced with any "work" at all, then to purge the virus, send an email to your boss with the words I've had enough of your crap... I'm off to the pub. The "work" should automatically be forgotten by your brain. If you receive "work" in paper-document form, simply lift the document and drag the "work" to your garbage can. Put on your hat and coat and skip to the nearest bar with two friends and order three pints of beer (or rum punch). After repeating this action 14 times, you will find that "work" will no longer be of any relevance to you and that "Scooby Doo" was the greatest cartoon ever.

Send this message to everyone in your address book. If you do NOT have anyone in your address book, then I'm afraid the "work" virus has already corrupted your life.


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Subject: RE: BS: Heard any good ones lately
From: GUEST,Foe
Date: 16 Jul 02 - 03:06 PM

Four guys are driving cross-country together - One from Maine, one from Vermont, one from New Hampshire and the last one is from Massachusetts. A bit down the road the man from New Hampshire starts to pull granite rocks out of his bag and throws them out the window. The man from Maine turns to him and asks, "What the hell are you doing?" The man from New Hampshire says, "Man, we have so many of these damned things in New Hampshire laying around on the ground - I'm sick of looking at them!" A few more miles down the road, the man from Vermont begins pulling bottles of Maple syrup from his bag and throwing them out the window. The man from Maine asks, "What are you doing that for?" The man from Vermont replies, "Man, we we have so many of these damned jugs in Vermont, I'm sick of looking at them!" Inspired by the others, the man from Maine opens the car door and pushes the man from Massachusetts out.


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Subject: RE: BS: Heard any good ones lately
From: GUEST,Just Amy
Date: 16 Jul 02 - 03:05 PM

This one is from me mum:

> 1. The Wall Street Journal is read by people who

run the country.

>

> 2. The New York Times is read by people who think

they run the country.

>

> 3. The Washington Post is read by people who want

to run the country.

>

> 4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought

to run the country but don't really understand the

Washington Post. They do, however, like bright

> colors and their smog statistics shown in pie

charts.

>

> 5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who

wouldn't mind running the country, if they could spare

the time, and if they didn't have to leave L.A. or

drive on the freeway in the rain to do it.

>

> 6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents

used to run the country and they did a far superior

job of it, thank you very much.

>

> 7. The New York Daily News is read by people who

aren't too sure who's running the country, and don't

really care as long as they can get a seat on the

train.

>

> 8. The New York Post is read by people who don't

care who's running the country either, as long as they

do something really scandalous, preferably while

intoxicated and/or while wearing a bunny suit.

>

> 9. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people

who aren't sure there is a country, or that anyone is

running it; but whoever it is, they oppose all that

they stand for. There are occasional exceptions if

the leaders are handicapped minority feminist atheist

dwarfs, who also happen to be illegal aliens from ANY

country or galaxy as long as they are Democrats.

>

> 10. The Miami Herald is read by people who are

running another country,but need the baseball scores.

>

> 11. The Washington Times is read by

arch-conservative white folks who don't think there

are any other kinds of folks in this country besides

arch-conservative white folks.

>

> 12. The National Inquirer is read by people trapped

in line at the grocery store


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Subject: RE: BS: Heard any good ones lately
From: Bill D
Date: 16 Jul 02 - 11:38 AM

that's IF you live in a state with a deposit system...we can't make much on bulk aluminum prices. (The state expects us to give it to THEM, free)


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Subject: RE: BS: Heard any good ones lately
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 16 Jul 02 - 10:00 AM

NOTE ON THE ECONOMY

If you had bought $1000.00 worth of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00. If you had bought $1000.00 worth of Budweiser (the beer, not the stock) one year ago, drank all the beer, then traded in the cans at a redemption center for the nickel deposit, you would have $107.00.

Given the current conditions of the economy, my advice is to drink heavily and recycle.


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Subject: RE: BS: Heard any good ones lately
From: Auxiris
Date: 16 Jul 02 - 05:52 AM

A little old couple walked slowly into a McDonalds one cold winter evening. They looked quite out of place amid the young families and younger couples eating there that night. Some of the customers there couldn't help but notice them and looked admiringly at them. You could almost tell what the admirers were thinking. "Look, there is a couple who has been through a lot together, I'd bet they're probably married for 60 years or more!" The little old man walked right up to the cash register, placed his order with no hesitation, and then paid for their meal. The couple took a table near the back wall and started taking food off the tray. There was just one regular hamburger, one regular order of French fries, and one drink and two straws between them. The little old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and taking a plastic knife from his coat, he wiped it clean and then carefully cut it in half. He placed one half the hamburger in front of his wife. Then he counted out the French fries, divided them in two piles, and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, then his wife took a sip and they set the cup down between them. As the old man began to eat his few bites of hamburger and French fries the crowd around them began to get restless. Again, you could tell what they were thinking. "That poor old couple. All they can afford is one meal for the two of them." And as the old man began to eat his French fries a younger man stood up and proudly walked over to the old couples' table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple to eat. The old man replied, no, thanked him and told him that they were just fine. They were just so used to sharing everything in life, he said. Then the crowd noticed that the little old lady hadn't touched the food to take a bite of it. She just sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally would take turns sipping from the one cup with a second straw. Again, the young man came over and begged them to please let him buy them something more to eat. This time it was the lady who explained- no, they were used to sharing everything in life together, and they could manage quite well. And, then, as the little old man finished eating his half of the plain hamburger and order of fries, and was neatly wiping his face with a napkin, the young man could stand it no longer. Again, he came over to their table and offered to buy some more food for them. After being politely refused, again, he finally asked a question of the little old lady. "Ma'am, why aren't you eating. You said that you share everything in life with your husband? What is it that you are waiting for?" She answered..........and...said.....

Get ready. . .

"The teeth, I am waiting on the teeth!"

Sorry!

cheers,

Aux



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Subject: RE: BS: Heard any good ones lately
From: Trevor
Date: 16 Jul 02 - 04:56 AM

Q. What's brown and sticky?

A. A stick!


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Subject: RE: BS: Heard any good ones lately
From: Nigel Parsons
Date: 16 Jul 02 - 04:49 AM

The cat sang a lovely original composition, duly observing all the musical requirements, and emphasising the correct stresses and note lengths.
That's marvelous" I said, "We aught to have it Orchestrated".
With that the cat jumped out of the window, and was never seen again! Boom Boom!


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Subject: RE: BS: Heard any good ones lately
From: Nigel Parsons
Date: 16 Jul 02 - 04:45 AM

Why has an elephant got four feet ?
He'd look silly with six inches!

How do you cicumcise a whale ?
Send down four skin divers...


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Subject: RE: BS: Heard any good ones lately
From: Bill D
Date: 15 Jul 02 - 09:45 PM

A major research institution has recently announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. This new element has been tentatively named "Administratium". Administratium has 1 neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 111 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by a force called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since Administratium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Administratium causes one reaction to take over 4 days to complete when it would normally take less than a second. Administratium has a normal half-life of 3 years; it does not decay but instead undergoes a reorganization, in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons and assistant deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Administratium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization causes some morons to become neutrons forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientists to speculate that Administratium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as "Critical Morass." You will know it when you see it...


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Subject: RE: BS: Heard any good ones lately
From: Bill D
Date: 15 Jul 02 - 09:31 PM

REMAINING U.S. CEOs MAKE A BREAK FOR IT Band of Roving Chief Executives Spotted Miles from Mexican Border

San Antonio, Texas - Unwilling to wait for their eventual indictments, the 10,000 remaining CEOs of public U.S. companies made a break for it yesterday, heading for the Mexican border, plundering towns and villages along the way, and writing the entire rampage off as a marketing expense.

"They came into my home, made me pay for my own TV, then double-booked the revenues," said Rachel Sanchez of Las Cruces, just north of El Paso. "Right in front of my daughters."

Calling themselves the CEOnistas, the chief executives were first spotted last night along the Rio Grande River near Quemado, where they bought each of the town's 320 residents by borrowing against pension fund gains. By late this morning, the CEOnistas had arbitrarily inflated Quemado's population to 960, and declared a 200 percent profit for the fiscal second quarter.

This morning, the outlaws bought the city of Waco, transferred its underperforming areas to a private partnership, and sent a bill to California for $4.5 billion.

Law enforcement officials and disgruntled shareholders riding posse were noticeably frustrated.

"First of all, they're very hard to find because they always stand behind their numbers, and the numbers keep shifting," said posse spokesman Dean Levitt. "And every time we yell 'Stop in the name of the shareholders!', they refer us to investor relations. I've been on the phone all damn morning."

"YOU'LL NEVER AUDIT ME ALIVE!"

The pursuers said they have had some success, however, by preying on a common executive weakness. "Last night we caught about 24 of them by disguising one of our female officers as a CNBC anchor," said U.S. Border Patrol spokesperson Janet Lewis. "It was like moths to a flame."

Also, teams of agents have been using high-powered listening devices to scan the plains for telltale sounds of the CEOnistas. "Most of the time we just hear leaves rustling or cattle flicking their tails," said Lewis, "but occasionally we'll pick up someone saying, 'I was totally out of the loop on that.'"

Among former and current CEOs apprehended with this method were Computer Associates' Sanjay Kumar, Adelphia's John Rigas, Enron's Ken Lay, Joseph Nacchio of Qwest, Joseph Berardino of Arthur Andersen, and every Global Crossing CEO since 1997. ImClone Systems' Sam Waksal and Dennis Kozlowski of Tyco were not allowed to join the CEOnistas as they have already been indicted.

So far, about 50 chief executives have been captured, including Martha Stewart, who was detained south of El Paso where she had cut through a barbed- wire fence at the Zaragosa border crossing off Highway 375.

"She would have gotten away, but she was stopping motorists to ask for marzipan and food coloring so she could make edible snowman place settings, using the cut pieces of wire for the arms," said Border Patrol officer Jennette Cushing. "We put her in cell No. 7, because the morning sun really adds texture to the stucco walls."

While some stragglers are believed to have successfully crossed into Mexico, Cushing said the bulk of the CEOnistas have holed themselves up at the Alamo.

"No, not the fort, the car rental place at the airport," she said. "They're rotating all the tires on the minivans and accounting for each change as a sale."


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Subject: RE: BS: Heard any good ones lately
From: Bill D
Date: 15 Jul 02 - 09:28 PM

Where You Live

You live in California when...

1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.

2. The high school quarterback calls a time-out to answer his cell phone.

3. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.

4. You know how to eat an artichoke.

5. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.

6. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.

You live in New York City when...

1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.

2. You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire State Building.

3. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.

4. You think Central Park is "nature,"

5. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.

6. You've worn out a car horn.

7. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

You live in upstate New York when...

1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.

2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.

3. You have more than one recipe for moose.

4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.

5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.

You live in the Deep South when...

1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.

2. "Ya'll" is singular and "all ya'll" is plural.

3. After five years you still hear, "You ain't from 'round here, are Ya?"

4. "He needed killin' " is a valid defense.

5. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, etc.

You live in Colorado when...

1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.

2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he stops at the day care center.

3.A pass does not involve a football or dating.

4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.

You live in the Midwest when...

1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.

2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.

3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.

4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"

5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"

You live in Florida when...

1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.

2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind - even houses and cars.

3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.

4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.

5. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people.


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Subject: RE: BS: Heard any good ones lately
From: Bill D
Date: 15 Jul 02 - 09:22 PM

A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey, I have been asked to go fishing at a big lake up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting so would you please pack me enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box? We're leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up. Oh, and please pack my new blue silk pajamas."

The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy but being a good wife she does exactly what her husband asked.

The following weekend he comes home a little tired but otherwise looking good. The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish.

He says, "Yes! Lots of Walleye, some Bluegill, and a few Pike. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?" The wife replies, "I did, they were in your tackle box."


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Subject: RE: BS: Heard any good ones lately
From: GUEST,Just Amy
Date: 15 Jul 02 - 08:39 PM

An Amish family went to the mall for the first time. The mother went a store and the father and son stood outside. They watched two big silver doors open up. An old woman in a wheelchair rolls in. The doors close and the numbers on the top of the doors change from 1 to 3. Then the numbers go from 3 to 1 and the doors open again. Out walks a beautiful blonde in a mini skirt. The Amish man says to his son, "Go get your mother."


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Subject: RE: BS: Heard any good ones lately
From: Art Thieme
Date: 15 Jul 02 - 06:56 PM

What do you do with an elephant with 3 balls? Walk him and pitch to the giraffe.

Art Thieme


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