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BS: Heard any good ones lately

GUEST,Den 10 Aug 01 - 12:15 PM
LR Mole 10 Aug 01 - 12:49 PM
Grab 10 Aug 01 - 01:21 PM
Liz the Squeak 11 Aug 01 - 09:59 AM
Bill D 11 Aug 01 - 10:36 AM
Dorrie 11 Aug 01 - 03:02 PM
Den 11 Aug 01 - 03:42 PM
Gareth 11 Aug 01 - 08:28 PM
Mudlark 12 Aug 01 - 02:07 AM
RangerSteve 12 Aug 01 - 09:56 PM
Gypsy 12 Aug 01 - 10:00 PM
Frank Maher 13 Aug 01 - 11:11 AM
Noreen 13 Aug 01 - 12:28 PM
Bill D 13 Aug 01 - 01:06 PM
Rt Revd Sir jOhn from Hull 13 Aug 01 - 01:08 PM
Kim C 13 Aug 01 - 01:31 PM
Chanteyranger 13 Aug 01 - 02:11 PM
GUEST,PAH 13 Aug 01 - 02:24 PM
Skipper Jack 13 Aug 01 - 03:12 PM
Frank Maher 13 Aug 01 - 04:56 PM
ScottyG 14 Aug 01 - 09:26 AM
RangerSteve 14 Aug 01 - 10:17 AM
Justa Picker 16 Aug 01 - 05:30 PM
tremodt 16 Aug 01 - 08:58 PM
Trevor 17 Aug 01 - 07:26 AM
Noreen 17 Aug 01 - 07:55 AM
Trevor 17 Aug 01 - 08:03 AM
Trapper 17 Aug 01 - 02:53 PM
ScottyG 17 Aug 01 - 03:06 PM
michaelr 10 Apr 02 - 09:46 PM
Uncle_DaveO 11 Apr 02 - 03:19 PM
Watson 12 Apr 02 - 01:43 PM
Mrrzy 12 Apr 02 - 03:16 PM
GUEST,Dagenham Doc 12 Apr 02 - 05:09 PM
gnu 13 Jul 02 - 05:39 AM
GUEST 13 Jul 02 - 06:40 AM
GUEST,vl 13 Jul 02 - 06:42 AM
Helen 13 Jul 02 - 09:05 PM
Justa Picker 14 Jul 02 - 01:38 PM
Uncle_DaveO 14 Jul 02 - 04:50 PM
Bill D 14 Jul 02 - 06:22 PM
Uncle_DaveO 14 Jul 02 - 10:42 PM
Trevor 15 Jul 02 - 06:15 AM
GUEST,fred miller 15 Jul 02 - 10:10 AM
Trevor 15 Jul 02 - 10:49 AM
Nigel Parsons 15 Jul 02 - 12:41 PM
Uncle_DaveO 15 Jul 02 - 02:13 PM
Art Thieme 15 Jul 02 - 06:53 PM
Art Thieme 15 Jul 02 - 06:56 PM
GUEST,Just Amy 15 Jul 02 - 08:39 PM
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Subject: Heard any good ones lately
From: GUEST,Den
Date: 10 Aug 01 - 12:15 PM


Click for the 'PermaThread™: List of all joke threads'


I have'nt heard any good jokes lately so I thought I'd start this thread. I've heard some great jokes on the mudcat in the past so I'm hopeful for some material for the weekend. Here's one to get you started.
Guy walks into a bar in Belfast with a giraffe. He and the giraffe start drinking Guinness like there's no tomorrow. After 15 pints the giraffe collapses. The legs buckle and down he goes banging his chin on the counter on the way. With that the guy turns and staggers to the door, where the barman yells after him, "hey you can't leave that lyin' there". The guy says, "its not a lion its a giraffe". Keep 'em comin'. Den


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Subject: RE: BS: Heard any good ones lately
From: LR Mole
Date: 10 Aug 01 - 12:49 PM

Well, though Dubya has given a Limited Modified Go-ahead to cell research, the Japanese are way ahead, concentrating on internal organ building. So far, though, results have been disappointing: problems weigh down upon the Sony liver.


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Subject: RE: BS: Heard any good ones lately
From: Grab
Date: 10 Aug 01 - 01:21 PM

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night, face all covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.

Pretty soon all the other bats smelt the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to bugger off and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in.

"OK, follow me", he said, and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a huge forest of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him tongues hanging out for blood.

"Do you see that large oak tree over there?" he asked.

"YES, YES, YES!!!!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

"Good!" said the vampire bat, "Because I f*****g didn't".


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Subject: RE: BS: Heard any good ones lately
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 11 Aug 01 - 09:59 AM

The Traffic Ticket

A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable.

Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?"

The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said--"Well yeah, if that's what they are--I never heard of circle flies." So the farmer says--"Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."

The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stops and says, "Hey...wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horses ass?"

The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horses ass."

The trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket.

After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies though."

LTS


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Subject: RE: BS: Heard any good ones lately
From: Bill D
Date: 11 Aug 01 - 10:36 AM

There was a German, an Italian and a Redneck on death row. The warden gave them a choice of three ways to die:

1. To be shot 2. To be hung 3. To be injected with the AIDS virus for a slow death.

So the German said, "Shoot me right in the head." (Boom, he was dead instantly).

Then the Italian said, "Just hang me." (Snap, he was dead.)

The Redneck said, "Give me some of that AIDS stuff." They gave him the shot, and the redneck fell down laughing. The guards looked at each other and wondered what was wrong with this guy.

Then the Redneck said, "Give me another one of those shots," so the guards did. Now he was laughing so hard, tears rolled from his eyes and he doubled over.

Finally the warden said, "What is wrong with you?"

The Redneck replied, "You guys are so stupid . . . I'm wearing a condom!"


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Subject: RE: BS: Heard any good ones lately
From: Dorrie
Date: 11 Aug 01 - 03:02 PM

den thats my favourite joke hahahahaa


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Subject: RE: BS: Heard any good ones lately
From: Den
Date: 11 Aug 01 - 03:42 PM

That's one of my favourites too Dorrie. Here's one I just heard last night.
Some aspiring psychiatrists were attending their first class on emotional extremes. "Just to establish some parameters," said the professor to the student from Arkansas, "what is the opposite of joy?" "Sadness," said the student. "And the opposite of depression?" he asked of the young lady from Oklahoma. "Elation," she answered. "And you, sir," he said to the young man from Texas, "how about the opposite of woe?" The Texan replied, "Sir, I believe that would be giddyup."


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Subject: RE: BS: Heard any good ones lately
From: Gareth
Date: 11 Aug 01 - 08:28 PM

On Dens theme.

A story I heard from an old Royal Navy Yeoman of Signals.

The RN and the USN were conduction joint manouvers, included in this were high speed destroyer excercises.

The Admiral an charge had an idea, " When I anounce on the VHF radio a Word begining with S you all turn to Starboard, and when I say a word begining with P you'all turn to Port"

Fine of went the destroyers at 30 Knots.

"Paper, Paper, Paper" and they all turned to Port.

"Sally, Sally, Sally" and they all turned to Starboard.

"Phycho, Phycho, Phycho", and the RN turned to Port, and the USN turned to Starboard.

Gareth


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Subject: RE: BS: Heard any good ones lately
From: Mudlark
Date: 12 Aug 01 - 02:07 AM

Scene: Gothic pub....someone comes in yelling "Lady Godiva is coming" to which the barmaid replies..."Must be the cobbled streets..."


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Subject: RE: BS: Heard any good ones lately
From: RangerSteve
Date: 12 Aug 01 - 09:56 PM

Some small frogs were forced out of their swamp when it was drained to make room for a housing development. They wandered until they found themselves on the grounds of the Owens Corning Glass factory. Out behind the building they found some glass tubes, where they decided to make their new home. A week later, some men came and boxed up the tubes and shipped them across the country, and the frogs suffocated and died. That's why peepers who live in glass hoses shouldn't trust Owens.


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Subject: RE: BS: Heard any good ones lately
From: Gypsy
Date: 12 Aug 01 - 10:00 PM

Two brooms sharing a closet decided to marry. There was a bride broom, and groom broom. By and by, they wanted to have a little whisk broom. to their sorrow, they couldn't. Why? Well, they hadn't even swept together yet.


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Subject: RE: BS: Heard any good ones lately
From: Frank Maher
Date: 13 Aug 01 - 11:11 AM

A Frog went into a Bar and asked for a Beer.The Bartenter said"My God,You can Talk".The Frog said "Sure I can Talk,so what?Give Me the Beer,I just took a few Minutes off from My Job and I don't want to be Fired" The Bartender said "What do You Work at?"The Frog said "I'm a Bricklayer on the Construction Site across the Street"The Bartender said "You should Join the Circus,You would make a Fortune"The Frog said "What would a Circus want with a Bricklayer???


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Subject: RE: BS: Heard any good ones lately
From: Noreen
Date: 13 Aug 01 - 12:28 PM

Man walks into a fishmongers with a large cod under his arm, and asks the fishmonger:
"Do you sell fish cakes?"
Fishmonger replies "Of course!"

"Great," says the man, "It's his birthday."


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Subject: RE: BS: Heard any good ones lately
From: Bill D
Date: 13 Aug 01 - 01:06 PM

...so, it's this guys birthday, and at his office, they have a party and one of the gifts is a huge, live lobster!

"Wow, thanks" he says to the giver.

"You really like him?" asks the friend...

"Oh sure, I'm going to take him right home to dinner!"

"Oh", says the friend " maybe just buy him a drink and a cigar; he's already had supper."


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Subject: RE: BS: Heard any good ones lately
From: Rt Revd Sir jOhn from Hull
Date: 13 Aug 01 - 01:08 PM

Q. What do you get if you cross an elephant with a goldfish?

A. Swimming Trunks.


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Subject: RE: BS: Heard any good ones lately
From: Kim C
Date: 13 Aug 01 - 01:31 PM

Q. Why were the Three Wise Men all covered in soot?

A. Because they'd come from a far.


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Subject: RE: BS: Heard any good ones lately
From: Chanteyranger
Date: 13 Aug 01 - 02:11 PM

Two old men are sitting on the front porch of the rest home. One asks the other - "Did you and your wife ever have mutual orgasm?" The other thinks for a few seconds. "No," he says, "we had Allstate."


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Subject: RE: BS: Heard any good ones lately
From: GUEST,PAH
Date: 13 Aug 01 - 02:24 PM

A grasshopper walks in to a bar and orders a drink. The bartender tries to start a conversation with the grasshopper and says, "Ya know, we have a drink named after you." and the grasshopper says, "You gotta drink named Murray??"

PAH


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Subject: RE: BS: Heard any good ones lately
From: Skipper Jack
Date: 13 Aug 01 - 03:12 PM

An Irishman, a Jew and an Indian were travelling together when they got lost in thick fog. They eventually came cross a farm house and decided to seek a bed for the night. So the farmer obliged by telling them that he only had two beds available in the farmhouse, the other would have to sleep in the barn. So they tossed a coin and the Jew lost, so off he went. It wasn't very long before there was a knock on the back door and the Jew said, "I am not sleeping in the barn you have pigs in there and pork in my country is considered sacred". So the Indian volunteered to go, but very soon he was knocking on the back door and - yes, you've guessed it, He refused to sleep in the barn because there were cows in there and cows are sacred in his country. So the Irishman said, "I don't know why you making all this fuss,we don't have problems like that in the auld country!" So off we went and it was but a matter of seconds before there was bit of a racket outside the back door. When they opened it there was a cow and a pig standing there!!


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Subject: RE: BS: Heard any good ones lately
From: Frank Maher
Date: 13 Aug 01 - 04:56 PM

Maria is a devout Catholic. She gets married and has 17 children. Then her husband dies. She remarries two weeks later, and has 22 children by her next husband. Then he dies. A while later, she dies.

At the funeral, the priest looks skyward and says, "At least they're finally together."

A guy sitting in the front row says, "Excuse me father, but do you mean her and her FIRST husband, or her and her SECOND husband?"

The priest says, "I mean her legs."


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Subject: RE: BS: Heard any good ones lately
From: ScottyG
Date: 14 Aug 01 - 09:26 AM

This mouse goes in to a pub and scans the joint for some prospective female company. He sees a female giraffe sitting alone at one end of the bar. He climbs up on a stool, orders himself a whiskey, and tells the bartender he wants to buy the giraffe a drink. Serving her the drink, the bartender tells her it's compliments of the mouse at the other end of the bar. She looks over and gives the mouse a coy little smile. The mouse sidles on down the bar and climbs up on the stool next to the giraffe, and they proceed to get acquainted. After a while, the bartender sees them leave together. The next day, the mouse comes dragging in to the pub, struggles up onto a stool and orders a hair-of-the-dog. The bartender says, "Damn buddy, you look like death warmed over. Not feeling too well?" The mouse says, "Dude, I'm plumb worn out. Remember that cute little giraffe I picked up in here last night? Man, I tell ya, between kissin' and screwin', I musta' ran a hundred miles!"


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Subject: RE: BS: Heard any good ones lately
From: RangerSteve
Date: 14 Aug 01 - 10:17 AM

A traveling salesman knocks on the door of a farmers house and says that his car broke down and asks if he can spend the night. The farmer says,"sure, but you'll have to share a bed with my son". The salesman says, "forget it, I must be in the wrong joke".


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Subject: RE: BS: Heard any good ones lately
From: Justa Picker
Date: 16 Aug 01 - 05:30 PM

A woman was leaving a 7-11 with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind.

Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull dog on a leash. Behind her were 200 women walking single file.

The woman couldn't stand the curiosity. She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"

The woman replied, "Well that first hearse is for my husband."

"What happened to him?"

The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him."

She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"

The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her."

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two women.

"Can I borrow the dog?"

"Get in line."


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Subject: RE: BS: Heard any good ones lately
From: tremodt
Date: 16 Aug 01 - 08:58 PM

you have hard about Row vs Wade they wanted to cross the potomac and wer discussing variopus ways


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Subject: RE: BS: Heard any good ones lately
From: Trevor
Date: 17 Aug 01 - 07:26 AM

Chap goes to the doctor with a bump on his head. Dr says 'How did you do that?' 'A book fell on it' 'Ah well, don't blame your shelf'


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Subject: RE: BS: Heard any good ones lately
From: Noreen
Date: 17 Aug 01 - 07:55 AM

How do you make a dog drink?

.

.

.

.

.

.Put it in a blender...


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Subject: RE: BS: Heard any good ones lately
From: Trevor
Date: 17 Aug 01 - 08:03 AM

I take no responsibility for the following - somebody has just e'd it to me (from over the pond) and it was quick & easy to copy:

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that the "accident of evolution" had created. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing. He ran even faster, so scared that tears were coming to his eyes. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell to the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear, right on top of him reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him. At that instant the atheist cried out "Oh my God!...." Time stopped. The bear froze.The forest was silent. Even the river stopped moving. As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky: "You deny my existence for all of these years; teach others I don't exist; and, even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?" The atheist looked directly into the light: "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps could you make the bear a Christian?" "Very well," the voice said. The light went out. The river ran again. And the sounds of the forest resumed. And then the bear dropped its right paw........ brought both paws together.... bowed its head and spoke: "Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful."


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Subject: RE: BS: Heard any good ones lately
From: Trapper
Date: 17 Aug 01 - 02:53 PM

A man walks into an elevator already occupied by a perky blonde.

"T.G.I.F." she says cheerfully.

The man replies "S.H.I.T."

Frowning, the girl says again, "I mean T.G.I.F."

The man replies calmly, "S.H.I.T."

The blonde explains, "I mean T.G.I.F., as in 'Thank God It's Friday!"

The man says, "I know - I mean S.H.I.T. - as in 'Sorry Honey, It's Thursday."

- Al


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Subject: RE: BS: Heard any good ones lately
From: ScottyG
Date: 17 Aug 01 - 03:06 PM

Just got this emailed to me from one of my republican acquaintances...

"Dear Abby:

My husband is a lying cheat. He tells me he loves me, but he has cheated our entire marriage. He is a good provider and has many friends and supporters. They know he is a lying cheat, but they just avoid the issue. He is a hard worker but many of his co-workers are leery of him. Every time he gets caught, he denies it all. Then he admits that he was wrong and begs me to forgive him. This has been going on for so long, everyone in town knows he is a cheat. I don't know what to do.

Signed,

Frustrated

Dear Frustrated:

You should dump him. Now that you are finally a New York Senator, you don't need him anymore.

.............
This is a take-off on a Dear Abby letter. For those who don't know, Dear Abby is a syndicated advice column in many Stateside newspapers.


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Subject: RE: BS: Heard any good ones lately
From: michaelr
Date: 10 Apr 02 - 09:46 PM

A Pole, a German, a lesbian and a priest walk into a bar.

Bartender says, "What is this, a joke?"


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Subject: RE: BS: Heard any good ones lately
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 11 Apr 02 - 03:19 PM

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but she knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied, she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk. He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You've done a really good job and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. However, one a.m. came and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. He finally showed up around two-thirty and found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace. She quietly called him over to her.

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.

Trembling, he did as she directed.

"Now take off my boots."

He did so, slowly.

"Now take off my socks."

He did.

"Now take off my skirt."

He did.

"Now take off my bra."

Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told.

"Now," she said, "take off my panties."

He slowly pulled them down and off.

Then she looked at him and said, "Don't you ever wear my clothes to town again!"


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Subject: RE: BS: Heard any good ones lately
From: Watson
Date: 12 Apr 02 - 01:43 PM

An English doctor is being shown around a Scottish hospital during the Great War. At the end of his visit, he is shown into a ward with a number of patients who show no obvious signs of injury.

He goes to examine the first man he sees, and the man proclaims:

"Fair fa' yer sonsie face,

Great chieftain e' the puddin' race!

Aboon them a' ye tak your place, painch tripe or thairm:

Weel are ye wordy o' a grace as lang's my arm."

The Englishman, somewhat taken aback, goes to the next patient, and immediately the patient launches into:

"Some hae meat, and canna eat,

And some wad eat that want it,

But we hae meat and we can eat,

And sae the Lord be thankit."

This continues with the next patient:

"Wee sleekit cow'rin tim'rous beastie,

O what a panic's in thy breastie!

Thou need na start awa sae hasty,

Wi bickering brattle I wad be laith to run and chase thee,

Wi murdering prattle!"


"Well," the Englishman mutters to his Scottish colleague, "I see you saved the psychiatric ward for the last."

"Nay, nay," the Scottish doctor corrected him,










*****ready for it*****??











"this is the Serious Burns unit."


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Subject: RE: BS: Heard any good ones lately
From: Mrrzy
Date: 12 Apr 02 - 03:16 PM

An American Indian goes to see a psychiatrist. Doctor, he says, I'm confused: sometimes I think I'm a wigwam, sometimes I think I'm a teepee. The doctor says I know what your problem is... you're two tents!


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Subject: RE: BS: Heard any good ones lately
From: GUEST,Dagenham Doc
Date: 12 Apr 02 - 05:09 PM

First woman " My husband keeps coming home late and I don't know what to do"

Second woman " Next time he comes home late say 'is that you Jim.'.. it worked for me"

First woman " How come?"

Second woman " He's names Bill"

Doc.


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Subject: RE: BS: Heard any good ones lately
From: gnu
Date: 13 Jul 02 - 05:39 AM

Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson, and bragged that despite his 72 years of age, he could still have sex three times a night. Lulu, who was also a guest, looked intrigued.

After the show, Lulu said, "Sean, if Ah'm no bein too forward, Ah'd love tae hae sex wi an aulder man. Let's go back tae mah place." So they go back to her place and have great sex. Afterwards, Sean says,"If you think that was good,let me shleep for half an hour,and we can have even better shex. But while I'm shleeping, hold my baws in your left hand and my wullie in your right hand."

Lulu looks a bit perplexed, but says, "Okay." He sleeps for half an hour,awakens, and they have even better sex.

Then Sean says, "Lulu, that was wonderful. But if you let me shleep for an hour, we can have the besht shex yet. But again, hold my baws in your left hand, and my wullie in your right hand." Lulu is now used to the routine and complies. The results are mind blowing.

Once it's all over, and the cigarettes are lit, Lulu asks "Sean, tell me, dis mah haudin yer baws in mah left hand and yer wullie in mah right stimulate ye while ye're sleepin?" Sean replies, "No, but the lasht time I shlept with a Glashwegian, she shtole my wallet."


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Subject: RE: BS: Heard any good ones lately
From: GUEST
Date: 13 Jul 02 - 06:40 AM

What do you call a west coast spirtual medium with really bad breath?
A Supercaliforniapsychicextrahalitosis.

One for golfers: A rabid golfer became engaged to be married and was concerned that his fiancee wasn't aware of just how deep his obsession with the game ran so he decided to dislose all to her. He said "Honey, before we get hitched I think it's only fair to tell you that I live, eat and breath golf." To which the woman responded," Oh, I think I can live with that but as long as we're coming clean I think you should know that I'm a hooker!" At this the golf nut laughed and said,"That's not a problem. Just roll your hands back toward your right shoulder a bit." vl


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Subject: RE: BS: Heard any good ones lately
From: GUEST,vl
Date: 13 Jul 02 - 06:42 AM

Whoops, should have been "left shoulder".


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Subject: RE: BS: Heard any good ones lately
From: Helen
Date: 13 Jul 02 - 09:05 PM

You may have seen this one on e-mail or heard it, but it's pretty funny - although totally non-PC.

[Note: remember the peculiarities of Pommy English pronunciation: in this case "a" is pronounced "o" as in "not".]

***********

A man calls his buddy, the horse rancher, and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse . The rancher says, "how will I recognize him?"
"That's easy, he's a midget with a speech impediment."
So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse.
"A female horth." So he shows him a prized filly.
"Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth"?
So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.
"Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth"? So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears. "Nith earzth. Can I see her mouf"?
The rancher is gettin pretty pissed off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.
"Nice mouf, can I see her twat"?

Totally pissed at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arm and jams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's you-know-what, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.

The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing. "Perhapth I should rephrathe that."

"Can I thee her wun awound a widdle bit"?

*********

sorry, sorry!!!

Helen


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Subject: RE: BS: Heard any good ones lately
From: Justa Picker
Date: 14 Jul 02 - 01:38 PM

A big-city, California lawyer went duck hunting in rural Texas. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S., and if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Texas. We settle small disagreements like this with the Texas Three-Kick Rule."

The lawyer asked, "What is the Texas three-Kick Rule?"

The Farmer replied. "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old coot...... now it's my turn!!"



The farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."


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Subject: RE: BS: Heard any good ones lately
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 14 Jul 02 - 04:50 PM

Pfizer Corp is making the announcement today that VIAGRA will soon be available in liquid form and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer.

Pepsi's proposed ad campaign claims: It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink.

This additive gives new meaning to the names of cocktails, highballs and just a good old fashioned stiff drink. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of Mount And Do.

Dave Oesterreich


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Subject: RE: BS: Heard any good ones lately
From: Bill D
Date: 14 Jul 02 - 06:22 PM

Obviously, you haven't heard the news of the VERY big merger between Betty Crocker and Budweiser!...It's still in the early stages, but they already have a new product in developement...PissQuick!


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Subject: RE: BS: Heard any good ones lately
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 14 Jul 02 - 10:42 PM

A nun is sitting with her Mother Superior, chatting.

"I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it."

"When did you use this awful language?" asks the elder.

"Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line that's hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards."

"Is that when you swore?"

"No, Mother," says the nun. "After that a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run away."

"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the Mother Superior again.

"Well, no." says the nun. "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"

"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the amazed elder nun.

"No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws, it flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball."

"Did you swear THEN?" asked Mother Superior, becoming impatient.

"No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap, rolled onto the green, and stopped about a foot from the hole."

The two nuns were silent for a moment.

Then Mother Superior sighed and asked, "You missed the damn putt, didn't you?"


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Subject: RE: BS: Heard any good ones lately
From: Trevor
Date: 15 Jul 02 - 06:15 AM

Two parrotts sitting on a perch. One says to the other 'Can you smell fish?'


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Subject: RE: BS: Heard any good ones lately
From: GUEST,fred miller
Date: 15 Jul 02 - 10:10 AM

The wife dies, they come to get her, and are carrying her on a stretcher across the front yard. The husband standing on the porch, watching. The front man carrying the stretcher backs into a tree and the wife sits up, and is alive. She lives another eight years. But then she dies. They come to get her, carrying her across the yard on a stretcher. The husband is standing on the front porch watching, and he says, "Boys, watch out for that tree."

A horse goes into a bar. Bartender says, "Why the long face?"

Two guys are playing golf, but there are a couple of women ahead of them taking forever to play through. One guy says, "Go tell them to move along or get off the green--I'd tell them, but one is my wife and the other is my mistress." So the other guy goes. Comes back in a minute and says, "It's a small world."

When I was little I told my dad "When I grow up, I'll be a guitar player." He said, "Son, you're going to have to choose."

Difference between a folk musician and a 16" pizza: The pizza can feed a family of four.

Guy goes into a joke. Bartender says, "Free drinks tonight. It's Thursday." Guy says, "Great! Can I get one?" Bartender says, "Sure," then walks away. Doesn't come back. The place is packed, but everyone is crowded to one side of the room. Guy calls the bartender back, asks for a drink. Bartender says, "Oh, sorry. What we do is mix up whatever hasn't sold into a punch on Thursdays. It's free, if you want it." Guy says, "Sounds okay. I'll try it." Bartender walks away again. After a while he calls the bartender, says, "What's the deal? You keep saying there's free drinks. I ask for one, but I don't get it. And if there's free drinks, why am I the only one here at the bar, and everybody's over there? Is this some sort of joke?" Bartender says, "Yeah. And that's the punch line."

HTML line breaks and punctuation added. --JoeClone, 15-Jul-02.


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Subject: RE: BS: Heard any good ones lately
From: Trevor
Date: 15 Jul 02 - 10:49 AM

Little girl comes home from school one summer's evening and tells her mum she's going to watch a bit of telly in her room. Tem minutes later she comes down and says to her mom " Mummy, what's love juice?" " Good grief!" says mum, "what on earth are you watching?". "Wimbledon", says the little girl.


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Subject: RE: BS: Heard any good ones lately
From: Nigel Parsons
Date: 15 Jul 02 - 12:41 PM

A bear goes into a bar, and asks the barman for a Gin.
Just as the barman puts the gin on the bar, the bear says "And Tonic".
The barman asks him "Why the big pause ?" "I'm a bear, ain't I"

Nigel


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Subject: RE: BS: Heard any good ones lately
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 15 Jul 02 - 02:13 PM

An elephant was drinking out of a pond one day, when he spotted a turtle asleep on a log. So, he strolled over and flicked it clear out of sight with his trunk.

"What did you do that for?" asked a passing aardvark.

"Because I recognized it... It's the same turtle that took a nip out of my trunk 53 years ago."

"Wow, what a memory!" exclaimed the aardvark.

"Yes," said the elephant, "I have turtle recall".


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Subject: RE: BS: Heard any good ones lately
From: Art Thieme
Date: 15 Jul 02 - 06:53 PM

Trevor,

My parrot kept falling off his perch. Everything's o.k. now. We used polly-grip.

(rim shot)

Uncle DaveO,

That's MY JOKE !!! I usually ended my story I called "THE GREAT TURTLE DRIVE" with that pun for the last thirty years. (But you are welcome to use it.)

Art Thieme


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Subject: RE: BS: Heard any good ones lately
From: Art Thieme
Date: 15 Jul 02 - 06:56 PM

What do you do with an elephant with 3 balls? Walk him and pitch to the giraffe.

Art Thieme


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Subject: RE: BS: Heard any good ones lately
From: GUEST,Just Amy
Date: 15 Jul 02 - 08:39 PM

An Amish family went to the mall for the first time. The mother went a store and the father and son stood outside. They watched two big silver doors open up. An old woman in a wheelchair rolls in. The doors close and the numbers on the top of the doors change from 1 to 3. Then the numbers go from 3 to 1 and the doors open again. Out walks a beautiful blonde in a mini skirt. The Amish man says to his son, "Go get your mother."


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