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BS: Silly/Stupid Product Descriptions

Melani 29 Apr 01 - 10:31 PM
Matt_R 29 Apr 01 - 10:41 PM
CarolC 29 Apr 01 - 10:58 PM
Rick Fielding 29 Apr 01 - 11:12 PM
Chip2447 29 Apr 01 - 11:42 PM
Rick Fielding 29 Apr 01 - 11:47 PM
Justa Picker 30 Apr 01 - 12:18 AM
Noreen 30 Apr 01 - 09:13 AM
Gervase 30 Apr 01 - 09:24 AM
Dave the Gnome 30 Apr 01 - 09:50 AM
Wavestar 30 Apr 01 - 09:52 AM
Fibula Mattock 30 Apr 01 - 09:55 AM
Callie 30 Apr 01 - 09:55 AM
Dave the Gnome 30 Apr 01 - 09:56 AM
MMario 30 Apr 01 - 10:00 AM
clansfolk 30 Apr 01 - 10:08 AM
Patrish(inactive) 30 Apr 01 - 10:12 AM
Mark Clark 30 Apr 01 - 10:13 AM
Fibula Mattock 30 Apr 01 - 10:13 AM
Grab 30 Apr 01 - 10:14 AM
Bat Goddess 30 Apr 01 - 10:21 AM
Kim C 30 Apr 01 - 10:40 AM
Patrish(inactive) 30 Apr 01 - 11:43 AM
Patrish(inactive) 30 Apr 01 - 12:03 PM
GUEST,Matt_R 30 Apr 01 - 12:07 PM
grannyjan 30 Apr 01 - 12:28 PM
Melani 30 Apr 01 - 12:31 PM
Noreen 30 Apr 01 - 12:32 PM
Morticia 30 Apr 01 - 01:39 PM
Noreen 30 Apr 01 - 02:36 PM
Mountain Dog 30 Apr 01 - 02:40 PM
mousethief 30 Apr 01 - 02:43 PM
Naemanson 30 Apr 01 - 03:51 PM
BRG 30 Apr 01 - 04:15 PM
gnu 30 Apr 01 - 04:20 PM
annamill 30 Apr 01 - 04:49 PM
gnu 30 Apr 01 - 05:01 PM
Mike Byers 30 Apr 01 - 06:18 PM
mousethief 30 Apr 01 - 06:30 PM
Uncle_DaveO 30 Apr 01 - 06:47 PM
Micca 30 Apr 01 - 06:59 PM
mousethief 30 Apr 01 - 07:14 PM
CarolC 30 Apr 01 - 07:32 PM
BRG 30 Apr 01 - 07:42 PM
Dharmabum 30 Apr 01 - 08:17 PM
mousethief 30 Apr 01 - 11:16 PM
mousethief 30 Apr 01 - 11:18 PM
catspaw49 30 Apr 01 - 11:44 PM
Firecat 01 May 01 - 07:11 AM
Bernard 01 May 01 - 07:33 AM
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Subject: Silly/Stupid Product Descriptions
From: Melani
Date: 29 Apr 01 - 10:31 PM

I have just aquired a catalogue from "Smoke and Fire," an outfit that sells assorted costumes and other goodies to 17th-19th centruy re-enactors. They've got a lot of great stuff, and I am already in several hundred dollars of imaginary debt just looking at it. But my very favorite was this, in the accessories section:

Nicely made pennywhistle--with holes for fingering!

The mind boggles. Anybody else got one?


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Subject: RE: BS: Silly/Stupid Product Descriptions
From: Matt_R
Date: 29 Apr 01 - 10:41 PM

Our Father Tom saw an infomercial for a toaster that reduced "bread sweat".


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Subject: RE: BS: Silly/Stupid Product Descriptions
From: CarolC
Date: 29 Apr 01 - 10:58 PM

Mea culpa...

Many years ago, I worked for a backpacking outfitter. (HBO, before they had to change the name because of the cable channel.)

I was instructed to make a sign for a thermos that had a five year warrantee.

The sign I made said, "Guaranteed to keep food or beverages hot or cold for up to five years".

I hope I'm not that dense any more, but sometimes I wonder.

Carol


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Subject: RE: BS: Silly/Stupid Product Descriptions
From: Rick Fielding
Date: 29 Apr 01 - 11:12 PM

My favourite is the "Peehorn" (from one of those DeerHuntin' Soldier of Fortune type mags). When you're up that tree camouflaged like Rambo, with yer gun at the ready.....and Dadgummit! You just gotta relieve yourself...but the human smell will be a dead giveaway to some Bambi wanderin' into your sights, well just pull out the ol' "Pee Horn", stick yer own horn into it and pee away. 'Course I guess it also works when you're watchin' the big game on the big TV and don't want to miss any commercials.

Rick


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Subject: RE: BS: Silly/Stupid Product Descriptions
From: Chip2447
Date: 29 Apr 01 - 11:42 PM

While not a product so to speak...
There is a current Toyota pick up commercial, in which five campers return to their campsite to find three or four bears raiding their foodstuffs. Our intrepid heros attack the bears.

The small print at the bottom of the the screen admonishes us to "DO NOT ATTEMPT"

Have I missed something? Has a new breed of Davy Crocketts been unleashed upon the unsuspecting public?

Chip2447


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Subject: RE: BS: Silly/Stupid Product Descriptions
From: Rick Fielding
Date: 29 Apr 01 - 11:47 PM

Chip. Read something similar this week. An ad with a basketball player jumping over a MOVING CAR was removed because some bright folk WERE attempting it at home!

Rick


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Subject: RE: BS: Silly/Stupid Product Descriptions
From: Justa Picker
Date: 30 Apr 01 - 12:18 AM

The "Mountain Dew" commercials kill me.
Young jocks, ready to die on a dare, with near OO7 levels of cockiness and invinsibility, survive some insurmountable self-created activity, like parachuting off a gorge, or wearing a skate board while sky diving -whatever.

At the end of the commercial, you see these yahoos guzzling cans of 'Dew by pouring it directly down their throats while hoisting the cans a foot in the air above their mouths.

Ugh....Excuse Me?........Gag reflex?....Choking?

Anyone ever try to drink anything that way?...or is this just my middle age talking?


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Subject: RE: BS: Silly/Stupid Product Descriptions
From: Noreen
Date: 30 Apr 01 - 09:13 AM

Recently seen and puzzled over: packaging around a frisbee (you know, a plastic disc about a foot diameter for chucking at your kids :0) ) with the disclaimer

Not for use by children under 36 months- contains small parts


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Subject: RE: BS: Silly/Stupid Product Descriptions
From: Gervase
Date: 30 Apr 01 - 09:24 AM

On a bottle of Benylin Paediatric cough mixture for the under fives - "May cause drowsiness - do not attempt to drive or operate heavy machinery"!


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Subject: RE: BS: Silly/Stupid Product Descriptions
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 30 Apr 01 - 09:50 AM

I saw a packet of salted peanuts that had the dire warning "This product may contain nuts". I know a nut allergy can be deadly and we need to be careful but I despair or some peoples thought processes some times!

Also saw plasters (or band aids for our American friends) that said 'for external use only'. Makes me wonder if anyone ever tried to swallow one - and why???

Mind you I do avoid microwave meals that say "ALWAYS check that the product is piping hot". I mean, I want a snack - not a lifelong commitment...;-)

Cheers

DtG


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Subject: RE: BS: Silly/Stupid Product Descriptions
From: Wavestar
Date: 30 Apr 01 - 09:52 AM

JP- some people can drink like that - I've seen one person pour most of a two liter bottle down his throat. It requires a special control of throat muscles - rather than swallowing the way must of us do, they just pour straight to the stomach! It is humanly possible. But silly.

-J


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Subject: RE: BS: Silly/Stupid Product Descriptions
From: Fibula Mattock
Date: 30 Apr 01 - 09:55 AM

I had a reversible jumper - waterproof on one side, fleece on the other. The label (in the pocket) said "Wash inside out". I was, and still am, somewhat confused (though that may have nothing to do with the jumper).


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Subject: RE: BS: Silly/Stupid Product Descriptions
From: Callie
Date: 30 Apr 01 - 09:55 AM

On a shower cap packet: "fits one head".

On a chainsaw box: "do not attempt to stop chainsaw with hands or genitals".

I read about those two years ago and still die laughing when they come to mind ...


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Subject: RE: BS: Silly/Stupid Product Descriptions
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 30 Apr 01 - 09:56 AM

Just remembered my fave as I the the submit button on my last post. I carried an ad from the 'Daily Mirror' around for years before I lost it. It was for a personal grooming device but they had omited a very important 'E' from the description. It said...

"Remove unwanted hair from nose and ars"

Honest!

DtG


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Subject: RE: BS: Silly/Stupid Product Descriptions
From: MMario
Date: 30 Apr 01 - 10:00 AM

Nothing really special about drinking the way they do in the "dew" ads - just don't close your mouth as you swallow!


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Subject: RE: BS: Silly/Stupid Product Descriptions
From: clansfolk
Date: 30 Apr 01 - 10:08 AM

I saw a Martin Backpacker Uke - which seems a bit of a contradiction - I mean they're not exactly large to start with!!!! - the sad bit is I actually bought one - and I think its great - I also have the mandolin - next I'll get the guitar and have them on the wall like 50's Flying ducks.....

Pete


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Subject: RE: BS: Silly/Stupid Product Descriptions
From: Patrish(inactive)
Date: 30 Apr 01 - 10:12 AM

I had a stick of 4711 cologne the words on the side of the stick said "push up bottom"
Patrish


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Subject: RE: BS: Silly/Stupid Product Descriptions
From: Mark Clark
Date: 30 Apr 01 - 10:13 AM

Vance Packard in his grounbreaking book "The Hidden Persuaders" told the story of a fish cannary in danger of going out of business because they had all their capital tied up in a warehouse full of canned white salmon that nobody seemed to want. They hired a marketing consultant who advised them to have new labels made for the cans. In addition to being more attractive to the shopper, the new labels bore the promise, "This salmon is guaranteed not to turn pink in the can." The salmon was soon sold.

      - Mark


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Subject: RE: BS: Silly/Stupid Product Descriptions
From: Fibula Mattock
Date: 30 Apr 01 - 10:13 AM

callie - ROTFL! You made me snort with laughter and I had to tell everyone else in the office what i was laughing about!


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Subject: RE: BS: Silly/Stupid Product Descriptions
From: Grab
Date: 30 Apr 01 - 10:14 AM

Dave, would've been even better if they'd got the E on the end instead of the beginning...

Graham.


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Subject: RE: BS: Silly/Stupid Product Descriptions
From: Bat Goddess
Date: 30 Apr 01 - 10:21 AM

Some years ago when my cat Foolish was in his terminal illness, I I noticed that the label on his prescription also admonished "May cause drowsiness -- do not attempt to drive or operate heavy machinery."

Needless to say, the cat was bummed. However I happen to know he didn't drive that well even when he wasn't drugged! (And the thought of him operating heavy machinery...)

Bat Goddess


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Subject: RE: BS: Silly/Stupid Product Descriptions
From: Kim C
Date: 30 Apr 01 - 10:40 AM

We get the Smoke & Fire catalog too. Nice folks.

I bought a DiGiorno frozen pizza and it says on the box: do not eat without cooking.

Hmmm. I love to eat FROZEN pizzas. Y'all?


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Subject: RE: BS: Silly/Stupid Product Descriptions
From: Patrish(inactive)
Date: 30 Apr 01 - 11:43 AM

There is also a push chair in a shop in Huddersfield with the warning, "Remove child before folding."
Patrish


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Subject: RE: BS: Silly/Stupid Product Descriptions
From: Patrish(inactive)
Date: 30 Apr 01 - 12:03 PM

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body."
On a child's Superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly"
Patrish


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Subject: RE: BS: Silly/Stupid Product Descriptions
From: GUEST,Matt_R
Date: 30 Apr 01 - 12:07 PM

Small print at the bottom of a "Hooked On Phonics" commercial : Results not typical.


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Subject: RE: BS: Silly/Stupid Product Descriptions
From: grannyjan
Date: 30 Apr 01 - 12:28 PM

On a packet of terry nappies - do not wash above 30 degrees.

Sleeping pills - if swallowed may cause drowsiness.

Oral treatment for thrush - do not insert in vagina.

Swimsuit - do not get wet in water containing chlorine or other chemisals

Ingresients list on a bottle of mineral water : Contains water.

Anybody read Bill Brysons bit on labels and instructions?


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Subject: RE: BS: Silly/Stupid Product Descriptions
From: Melani
Date: 30 Apr 01 - 12:31 PM

Great, guys! Especially the chainsaw. Re: canned salmon marketing--when we were running a retail store, we had some very nice copper teapots for $16.95 that just wouldn't sell. So we put up a sign that said, "Sale! $16.95!" and they went like hotcakes.


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Subject: RE: BS: Silly/Stupid Product Descriptions
From: Noreen
Date: 30 Apr 01 - 12:32 PM

Or a pessary for thrush, encased in hard foil- instructions read "remove packaging before inserting". I laughed while wincing...


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Subject: RE: BS: Silly/Stupid Product Descriptions
From: Morticia
Date: 30 Apr 01 - 01:39 PM

I have a friend who swears he saw a label saying " Not for internal consumption"......on a grand piano.


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Subject: RE: BS: Silly/Stupid Product Descriptions
From: Noreen
Date: 30 Apr 01 - 02:36 PM

Come on Morty... what was he on ?? :0)


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Subject: RE: BS: Silly/Stupid Product Descriptions
From: Mountain Dog
Date: 30 Apr 01 - 02:40 PM

Years ago, a local curmudgeon, plagued by youngsters with more time on their hands than sense in their heads, put up a sign over a tempting rock pile that sat on his property, overlooking a creek:

"Warning. These rocks have been covered with poison. Do not touch! (If you can't read this, ask your mother.)"


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Subject: RE: BS: Silly/Stupid Product Descriptions
From: mousethief
Date: 30 Apr 01 - 02:43 PM

Did it work, MD?


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Subject: RE: BS: Silly/Stupid Product Descriptions
From: Naemanson
Date: 30 Apr 01 - 03:51 PM

Along that same line I heard the following story:

A set gun is one that is set in place and rigged to go off when someone trips the trap. It was used in the old days in England against poachers. They are completely illegal today. Supposedly there was a sign on one house that read, "Set guns are illegal. So is burglary. I made my choice. You make yours."


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Subject: RE: BS: Silly/Stupid Product Descriptions
From: BRG
Date: 30 Apr 01 - 04:15 PM

I like the little registration stickers we (try to) adhere to our license plates every year. They come with the label: "Do not apply in below freezing temperatures." A bit of a challenge at times here in Alaska. Bruce


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Subject: RE: BS: Silly/Stupid Product Descriptions
From: gnu
Date: 30 Apr 01 - 04:20 PM

I've wondered if these hair shampoos that have "volumizing conditioners" might be worth a try for a balding guy.


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Subject: RE: BS: Silly/Stupid Product Descriptions
From: annamill
Date: 30 Apr 01 - 04:49 PM

Interesting and funny thread. I took a marketing class a few years ago and learned some very interesting marketing ploys.

Betty Crocker, who invented cake mixes, had one of the best ploys. When cake mixes first came out, no one bought them. BC hired a marketing expert who found out that what kept them from selling was freshness. So... they added the instruction to add one egg to the mix and, boom, off went that product as we all know.

Another is Wonder Bread, who puts the scent of fresh bread into the wrapper. Also, you can push the bread down flat, and go away for a while, and when you come back, there it is all puffy again.

One of the best is the awesome discovery that something will sell for $1.99 that would not sell for $2.00. Amazing! People just don't see the .99, only the $1. I know it's true because I have had to point out to many people that something cost $30, even if it said $29.99. Amazing!

Love, annamill


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Subject: RE: BS: Silly/Stupid Product Descriptions
From: gnu
Date: 30 Apr 01 - 05:01 PM

I have often said $30 to salespeople during the ensuing converstaion and been corrected, "$29.99". At which point, I say something to the effect of, "Well, I thought I'd tip you the penny for all your help." They get peeved. Amazing !


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Subject: RE: BS: Silly/Stupid Product Descriptions
From: Mike Byers
Date: 30 Apr 01 - 06:18 PM

Are people getting dumber, or are there just more regulators and liability lawywers? Remember the old-time GE electric fans? These things had gaps in their blade guards big enough to stick your fist through. Metal blades, too. I don't think you could build something like this today without chopping up a large number of people, but I never knew anyone who actually stuck their finger in one of these. And how about the interurban electric trains that used to run in the US midwest (yep, we did have mass transit at one time)? They didn't even fence off the tracks in the countryside. If you did that today, you'd have a great, big linear "people zapper". But I suppose people back in the 1940s were smart enough to stay off the third rail. I just put in a ceiling fan that had the following warning on the blades: "Stop Fan Before Cleaning Blades." Sort of makes you wonder, doesn't it?


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Subject: RE: BS: Silly/Stupid Product Descriptions
From: mousethief
Date: 30 Apr 01 - 06:30 PM

I blame Ralph Nader. He wants a world in which absolutely nothing unsafe can possibly happen. As the populace is required to use their brains less often, they use them less often. Atrophy results. ("Use it or lose it!")

Alex


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Subject: RE: BS: Silly/Stupid Product Descriptions
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 30 Apr 01 - 06:47 PM

Actually, you can stick your finger into a running metal-blade household fan and stop it, without hurting yourself. I've done it many times when I was a kid. No cuts, no nuthin'. Just put it in enough to drag on the slanted blades as they come around, hold the finger there as the blades use up their energy rubbing against the finger.

Dave Oesterreich


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Subject: RE: BS: Silly/Stupid Product Descriptions
From: Micca
Date: 30 Apr 01 - 06:59 PM

Since we seem to be including strange labels.. Many years ago(1960s) There were frequent product forgeries in the Far East, the labels were copied and the container shapes and colours exactly.. but the odd error crept in, I had for several years a square Ballantines whiskey bottle, (empty) that was Identical to the export version from Scotland, except , proudly in the middle of the label it said
" Pressed from genuine Scottish Grapes"


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Subject: RE: BS: Silly/Stupid Product Descriptions
From: mousethief
Date: 30 Apr 01 - 07:14 PM

The stop-the-fan trick works if you touch the BACK of the blade (the direction the wind caused by the fan is coming FROM). If you touch the FRONT of the blade, you will get your fingers hurt, or worse.

Alex


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Subject: RE: BS: Silly/Stupid Product Descriptions
From: CarolC
Date: 30 Apr 01 - 07:32 PM

You just now went and tried it, didn't you Alex? How's your finger? (*g*)


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Subject: RE: BS: Silly/Stupid Product Descriptions
From: BRG
Date: 30 Apr 01 - 07:42 PM

Heavy metal fans!?


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Subject: RE: BS: Silly/Stupid Product Descriptions
From: Dharmabum
Date: 30 Apr 01 - 08:17 PM

I once had a stepladder that had this label on the very top,"DO NOT STEP BEYOND THIS POINT"

And a bumper sticker sized label that came with our 3 ft. deep swimming pool,"NO DIVING,MAY CAUSE NECK INJURIES". Of course,I couldn't resist & promptly placed one on the toilet.

DB.


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Subject: RE: BS: Silly/Stupid Product Descriptions
From: mousethief
Date: 30 Apr 01 - 11:16 PM

I have done it many times with fans with soft foam blades, and deduced what would happen if they weren't soft foam. :-)

Alex


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Subject: RE: BS: Silly/Stupid Product Descriptions
From: mousethief
Date: 30 Apr 01 - 11:18 PM

Warning: I said it wrong. You must touch the FRONT of the blade and not the BACK. Apologies to anybody who lost portions of fingers due to my misstatement.

Alex


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Subject: RE: BS: Silly/Stupid Product Descriptions
From: catspaw49
Date: 30 Apr 01 - 11:44 PM

Great thread gang.......These things really get me too. Hmmmm...Where to start?

Roy Clark Guitar...Oh yeah, Roy oughta' be shot for this one, but what the hell is a "Genuine Hardwood Finish?"

Donut Box...Bought some at Kroger one day and on the bottom of the box, it said, "Possible Uses: 12 Circular Donuts." And there I was wondering.........

Prepared Foods like TV Dinners.....Didja' ever notice that on the front it says "Serving Suggestion"????? The picture shows the TV dinner in the tray, just laying there, processed to death......MMmmmm-MMmmmm Good. And I would never have thought to serve it in the tray...............

Vile, Foamy, Liquid Cleaners.......I was cleaning the mildew with some super mildew cleaner and the stuff stinks REAL BAD. On the bottle it says, "Use only in a well ventilated area." Now I don't know about you, but I don't get mildew in "well ventilated areas."

Prescription Information.....Oh these are a riot. Check on some of the penicillin derivatives and you'll find that one possible side effect is "Black, Hairy Tongue." Nads please! OR.....read some side effects on heart meds. One particularly nasty one lists DEATH as one of it's major potential side effects. Geeziz, why take it?

Just love this stuff............

Spaw


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Subject: RE: BS: Silly/Stupid Product Descriptions
From: Firecat
Date: 01 May 01 - 07:11 AM

I'm not sure if this is what people are getting at, but I once read that in Thailand (I think it is) they sell these kitchen knives with a label saying "Warning: Keep out of children"!! Don't be giving people ideas now!!


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Subject: RE: BS: Silly/Stupid Product Descriptions
From: Bernard
Date: 01 May 01 - 07:33 AM

Instructions that came with a new computer at work:

Please allow sufficient time for box and contents to reach room temperature before opening. This will reduce the risk of damage through condensation.

Great idea... but the instructions were inside the box!!!


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