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BS: Silly/Stupid Product Descriptions

Melani 29 Apr 01 - 10:31 PM
Matt_R 29 Apr 01 - 10:41 PM
CarolC 29 Apr 01 - 10:58 PM
Rick Fielding 29 Apr 01 - 11:12 PM
Chip2447 29 Apr 01 - 11:42 PM
Rick Fielding 29 Apr 01 - 11:47 PM
Justa Picker 30 Apr 01 - 12:18 AM
Noreen 30 Apr 01 - 09:13 AM
Gervase 30 Apr 01 - 09:24 AM
Dave the Gnome 30 Apr 01 - 09:50 AM
Wavestar 30 Apr 01 - 09:52 AM
Fibula Mattock 30 Apr 01 - 09:55 AM
Callie 30 Apr 01 - 09:55 AM
Dave the Gnome 30 Apr 01 - 09:56 AM
MMario 30 Apr 01 - 10:00 AM
clansfolk 30 Apr 01 - 10:08 AM
Patrish(inactive) 30 Apr 01 - 10:12 AM
Mark Clark 30 Apr 01 - 10:13 AM
Fibula Mattock 30 Apr 01 - 10:13 AM
Grab 30 Apr 01 - 10:14 AM
Bat Goddess 30 Apr 01 - 10:21 AM
Kim C 30 Apr 01 - 10:40 AM
Patrish(inactive) 30 Apr 01 - 11:43 AM
Patrish(inactive) 30 Apr 01 - 12:03 PM
GUEST,Matt_R 30 Apr 01 - 12:07 PM
grannyjan 30 Apr 01 - 12:28 PM
Melani 30 Apr 01 - 12:31 PM
Noreen 30 Apr 01 - 12:32 PM
Morticia 30 Apr 01 - 01:39 PM
Noreen 30 Apr 01 - 02:36 PM
Mountain Dog 30 Apr 01 - 02:40 PM
mousethief 30 Apr 01 - 02:43 PM
Naemanson 30 Apr 01 - 03:51 PM
BRG 30 Apr 01 - 04:15 PM
gnu 30 Apr 01 - 04:20 PM
annamill 30 Apr 01 - 04:49 PM
gnu 30 Apr 01 - 05:01 PM
Mike Byers 30 Apr 01 - 06:18 PM
mousethief 30 Apr 01 - 06:30 PM
Uncle_DaveO 30 Apr 01 - 06:47 PM
Micca 30 Apr 01 - 06:59 PM
mousethief 30 Apr 01 - 07:14 PM
CarolC 30 Apr 01 - 07:32 PM
BRG 30 Apr 01 - 07:42 PM
Dharmabum 30 Apr 01 - 08:17 PM
mousethief 30 Apr 01 - 11:16 PM
mousethief 30 Apr 01 - 11:18 PM
catspaw49 30 Apr 01 - 11:44 PM
Firecat 01 May 01 - 07:11 AM
Bernard 01 May 01 - 07:33 AM
Mike Byers 01 May 01 - 07:58 AM
Naemanson 01 May 01 - 08:24 AM
Mike Byers 02 May 01 - 02:08 AM
Terry K 02 May 01 - 03:27 AM
Kim C 02 May 01 - 11:30 AM
Dave the Gnome 02 May 01 - 11:46 AM
Lady McMoo 02 May 01 - 07:33 PM
catspaw49 02 May 01 - 07:34 PM
Bill D 02 May 01 - 10:10 PM
Chip2447 03 May 01 - 12:10 AM
Terry K 03 May 01 - 12:47 AM
catspaw49 03 May 01 - 12:51 AM
paddymac 03 May 01 - 01:11 AM
catspaw49 03 May 01 - 08:19 AM
Whistle Stop 03 May 01 - 08:40 AM
Fibula Mattock 03 May 01 - 08:47 AM
Bert 03 May 01 - 12:23 PM
GUEST,petr 03 May 01 - 09:30 PM
John Hardly 03 May 01 - 10:38 PM
Bill D 04 May 01 - 12:35 AM
wysiwyg 04 May 01 - 01:58 AM
Rt Revd Sir jOhn from Hull 28 Jul 01 - 01:43 AM
JohnInKansas 28 Jul 01 - 10:34 AM
dwditty 28 Jul 01 - 03:28 PM
Dicho (Frank Staplin) 28 Jul 01 - 08:20 PM
Tweedie 28 Jul 01 - 08:29 PM
RangerSteve 29 Jul 01 - 01:19 AM
Joe Offer 29 Jul 01 - 04:03 AM
Hillheader 29 Jul 01 - 07:59 AM
Little Hawk 29 Jul 01 - 01:28 PM
pavane 30 Jul 01 - 03:42 AM
Steve Parkes 30 Jul 01 - 07:45 AM
Crazy Eddie 30 Jul 01 - 08:19 AM
Steve Parkes 30 Jul 01 - 08:23 AM
LR Mole 30 Jul 01 - 09:01 AM
Kim C 30 Jul 01 - 01:39 PM
Gareth 30 Jul 01 - 02:26 PM
RangerSteve 30 Jul 01 - 08:26 PM
Little Hawk 30 Jul 01 - 09:05 PM
Mr Happy 28 Jun 02 - 08:19 AM
Wincing Devil 28 Jun 02 - 11:00 AM
Hrothgar 30 Jun 02 - 04:01 AM
Don Firth 30 Jun 02 - 02:27 PM
Gareth 30 Jun 02 - 02:44 PM
C-flat 30 Jun 02 - 03:01 PM
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Subject: Silly/Stupid Product Descriptions
From: Melani
Date: 29 Apr 01 - 10:31 PM

I have just aquired a catalogue from "Smoke and Fire," an outfit that sells assorted costumes and other goodies to 17th-19th centruy re-enactors. They've got a lot of great stuff, and I am already in several hundred dollars of imaginary debt just looking at it. But my very favorite was this, in the accessories section:

Nicely made pennywhistle--with holes for fingering!

The mind boggles. Anybody else got one?


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Subject: RE: BS: Silly/Stupid Product Descriptions
From: Matt_R
Date: 29 Apr 01 - 10:41 PM

Our Father Tom saw an infomercial for a toaster that reduced "bread sweat".


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Subject: RE: BS: Silly/Stupid Product Descriptions
From: CarolC
Date: 29 Apr 01 - 10:58 PM

Mea culpa...

Many years ago, I worked for a backpacking outfitter. (HBO, before they had to change the name because of the cable channel.)

I was instructed to make a sign for a thermos that had a five year warrantee.

The sign I made said, "Guaranteed to keep food or beverages hot or cold for up to five years".

I hope I'm not that dense any more, but sometimes I wonder.

Carol


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Subject: RE: BS: Silly/Stupid Product Descriptions
From: Rick Fielding
Date: 29 Apr 01 - 11:12 PM

My favourite is the "Peehorn" (from one of those DeerHuntin' Soldier of Fortune type mags). When you're up that tree camouflaged like Rambo, with yer gun at the ready.....and Dadgummit! You just gotta relieve yourself...but the human smell will be a dead giveaway to some Bambi wanderin' into your sights, well just pull out the ol' "Pee Horn", stick yer own horn into it and pee away. 'Course I guess it also works when you're watchin' the big game on the big TV and don't want to miss any commercials.

Rick


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Subject: RE: BS: Silly/Stupid Product Descriptions
From: Chip2447
Date: 29 Apr 01 - 11:42 PM

While not a product so to speak...
There is a current Toyota pick up commercial, in which five campers return to their campsite to find three or four bears raiding their foodstuffs. Our intrepid heros attack the bears.

The small print at the bottom of the the screen admonishes us to "DO NOT ATTEMPT"

Have I missed something? Has a new breed of Davy Crocketts been unleashed upon the unsuspecting public?

Chip2447


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Subject: RE: BS: Silly/Stupid Product Descriptions
From: Rick Fielding
Date: 29 Apr 01 - 11:47 PM

Chip. Read something similar this week. An ad with a basketball player jumping over a MOVING CAR was removed because some bright folk WERE attempting it at home!

Rick


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Subject: RE: BS: Silly/Stupid Product Descriptions
From: Justa Picker
Date: 30 Apr 01 - 12:18 AM

The "Mountain Dew" commercials kill me.
Young jocks, ready to die on a dare, with near OO7 levels of cockiness and invinsibility, survive some insurmountable self-created activity, like parachuting off a gorge, or wearing a skate board while sky diving -whatever.

At the end of the commercial, you see these yahoos guzzling cans of 'Dew by pouring it directly down their throats while hoisting the cans a foot in the air above their mouths.

Ugh....Excuse Me?........Gag reflex?....Choking?

Anyone ever try to drink anything that way?...or is this just my middle age talking?


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Subject: RE: BS: Silly/Stupid Product Descriptions
From: Noreen
Date: 30 Apr 01 - 09:13 AM

Recently seen and puzzled over: packaging around a frisbee (you know, a plastic disc about a foot diameter for chucking at your kids :0) ) with the disclaimer

Not for use by children under 36 months- contains small parts


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Subject: RE: BS: Silly/Stupid Product Descriptions
From: Gervase
Date: 30 Apr 01 - 09:24 AM

On a bottle of Benylin Paediatric cough mixture for the under fives - "May cause drowsiness - do not attempt to drive or operate heavy machinery"!


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Subject: RE: BS: Silly/Stupid Product Descriptions
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 30 Apr 01 - 09:50 AM

I saw a packet of salted peanuts that had the dire warning "This product may contain nuts". I know a nut allergy can be deadly and we need to be careful but I despair or some peoples thought processes some times!

Also saw plasters (or band aids for our American friends) that said 'for external use only'. Makes me wonder if anyone ever tried to swallow one - and why???

Mind you I do avoid microwave meals that say "ALWAYS check that the product is piping hot". I mean, I want a snack - not a lifelong commitment...;-)

Cheers

DtG


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Subject: RE: BS: Silly/Stupid Product Descriptions
From: Wavestar
Date: 30 Apr 01 - 09:52 AM

JP- some people can drink like that - I've seen one person pour most of a two liter bottle down his throat. It requires a special control of throat muscles - rather than swallowing the way must of us do, they just pour straight to the stomach! It is humanly possible. But silly.

-J


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Subject: RE: BS: Silly/Stupid Product Descriptions
From: Fibula Mattock
Date: 30 Apr 01 - 09:55 AM

I had a reversible jumper - waterproof on one side, fleece on the other. The label (in the pocket) said "Wash inside out". I was, and still am, somewhat confused (though that may have nothing to do with the jumper).


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Subject: RE: BS: Silly/Stupid Product Descriptions
From: Callie
Date: 30 Apr 01 - 09:55 AM

On a shower cap packet: "fits one head".

On a chainsaw box: "do not attempt to stop chainsaw with hands or genitals".

I read about those two years ago and still die laughing when they come to mind ...


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Subject: RE: BS: Silly/Stupid Product Descriptions
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 30 Apr 01 - 09:56 AM

Just remembered my fave as I the the submit button on my last post. I carried an ad from the 'Daily Mirror' around for years before I lost it. It was for a personal grooming device but they had omited a very important 'E' from the description. It said...

"Remove unwanted hair from nose and ars"

Honest!

DtG


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Subject: RE: BS: Silly/Stupid Product Descriptions
From: MMario
Date: 30 Apr 01 - 10:00 AM

Nothing really special about drinking the way they do in the "dew" ads - just don't close your mouth as you swallow!


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Subject: RE: BS: Silly/Stupid Product Descriptions
From: clansfolk
Date: 30 Apr 01 - 10:08 AM

I saw a Martin Backpacker Uke - which seems a bit of a contradiction - I mean they're not exactly large to start with!!!! - the sad bit is I actually bought one - and I think its great - I also have the mandolin - next I'll get the guitar and have them on the wall like 50's Flying ducks.....

Pete


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Subject: RE: BS: Silly/Stupid Product Descriptions
From: Patrish(inactive)
Date: 30 Apr 01 - 10:12 AM

I had a stick of 4711 cologne the words on the side of the stick said "push up bottom"
Patrish


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Subject: RE: BS: Silly/Stupid Product Descriptions
From: Mark Clark
Date: 30 Apr 01 - 10:13 AM

Vance Packard in his grounbreaking book "The Hidden Persuaders" told the story of a fish cannary in danger of going out of business because they had all their capital tied up in a warehouse full of canned white salmon that nobody seemed to want. They hired a marketing consultant who advised them to have new labels made for the cans. In addition to being more attractive to the shopper, the new labels bore the promise, "This salmon is guaranteed not to turn pink in the can." The salmon was soon sold.

      - Mark


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Subject: RE: BS: Silly/Stupid Product Descriptions
From: Fibula Mattock
Date: 30 Apr 01 - 10:13 AM

callie - ROTFL! You made me snort with laughter and I had to tell everyone else in the office what i was laughing about!


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Subject: RE: BS: Silly/Stupid Product Descriptions
From: Grab
Date: 30 Apr 01 - 10:14 AM

Dave, would've been even better if they'd got the E on the end instead of the beginning...

Graham.


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Subject: RE: BS: Silly/Stupid Product Descriptions
From: Bat Goddess
Date: 30 Apr 01 - 10:21 AM

Some years ago when my cat Foolish was in his terminal illness, I I noticed that the label on his prescription also admonished "May cause drowsiness -- do not attempt to drive or operate heavy machinery."

Needless to say, the cat was bummed. However I happen to know he didn't drive that well even when he wasn't drugged! (And the thought of him operating heavy machinery...)

Bat Goddess


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Subject: RE: BS: Silly/Stupid Product Descriptions
From: Kim C
Date: 30 Apr 01 - 10:40 AM

We get the Smoke & Fire catalog too. Nice folks.

I bought a DiGiorno frozen pizza and it says on the box: do not eat without cooking.

Hmmm. I love to eat FROZEN pizzas. Y'all?


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Subject: RE: BS: Silly/Stupid Product Descriptions
From: Patrish(inactive)
Date: 30 Apr 01 - 11:43 AM

There is also a push chair in a shop in Huddersfield with the warning, "Remove child before folding."
Patrish


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Subject: RE: BS: Silly/Stupid Product Descriptions
From: Patrish(inactive)
Date: 30 Apr 01 - 12:03 PM

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body."
On a child's Superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly"
Patrish


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Subject: RE: BS: Silly/Stupid Product Descriptions
From: GUEST,Matt_R
Date: 30 Apr 01 - 12:07 PM

Small print at the bottom of a "Hooked On Phonics" commercial : Results not typical.


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Subject: RE: BS: Silly/Stupid Product Descriptions
From: grannyjan
Date: 30 Apr 01 - 12:28 PM

On a packet of terry nappies - do not wash above 30 degrees.

Sleeping pills - if swallowed may cause drowsiness.

Oral treatment for thrush - do not insert in vagina.

Swimsuit - do not get wet in water containing chlorine or other chemisals

Ingresients list on a bottle of mineral water : Contains water.

Anybody read Bill Brysons bit on labels and instructions?


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Subject: RE: BS: Silly/Stupid Product Descriptions
From: Melani
Date: 30 Apr 01 - 12:31 PM

Great, guys! Especially the chainsaw. Re: canned salmon marketing--when we were running a retail store, we had some very nice copper teapots for $16.95 that just wouldn't sell. So we put up a sign that said, "Sale! $16.95!" and they went like hotcakes.


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Subject: RE: BS: Silly/Stupid Product Descriptions
From: Noreen
Date: 30 Apr 01 - 12:32 PM

Or a pessary for thrush, encased in hard foil- instructions read "remove packaging before inserting". I laughed while wincing...


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Subject: RE: BS: Silly/Stupid Product Descriptions
From: Morticia
Date: 30 Apr 01 - 01:39 PM

I have a friend who swears he saw a label saying " Not for internal consumption"......on a grand piano.


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Subject: RE: BS: Silly/Stupid Product Descriptions
From: Noreen
Date: 30 Apr 01 - 02:36 PM

Come on Morty... what was he on ?? :0)


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Subject: RE: BS: Silly/Stupid Product Descriptions
From: Mountain Dog
Date: 30 Apr 01 - 02:40 PM

Years ago, a local curmudgeon, plagued by youngsters with more time on their hands than sense in their heads, put up a sign over a tempting rock pile that sat on his property, overlooking a creek:

"Warning. These rocks have been covered with poison. Do not touch! (If you can't read this, ask your mother.)"


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Subject: RE: BS: Silly/Stupid Product Descriptions
From: mousethief
Date: 30 Apr 01 - 02:43 PM

Did it work, MD?


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Subject: RE: BS: Silly/Stupid Product Descriptions
From: Naemanson
Date: 30 Apr 01 - 03:51 PM

Along that same line I heard the following story:

A set gun is one that is set in place and rigged to go off when someone trips the trap. It was used in the old days in England against poachers. They are completely illegal today. Supposedly there was a sign on one house that read, "Set guns are illegal. So is burglary. I made my choice. You make yours."


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Subject: RE: BS: Silly/Stupid Product Descriptions
From: BRG
Date: 30 Apr 01 - 04:15 PM

I like the little registration stickers we (try to) adhere to our license plates every year. They come with the label: "Do not apply in below freezing temperatures." A bit of a challenge at times here in Alaska. Bruce


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Subject: RE: BS: Silly/Stupid Product Descriptions
From: gnu
Date: 30 Apr 01 - 04:20 PM

I've wondered if these hair shampoos that have "volumizing conditioners" might be worth a try for a balding guy.


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Subject: RE: BS: Silly/Stupid Product Descriptions
From: annamill
Date: 30 Apr 01 - 04:49 PM

Interesting and funny thread. I took a marketing class a few years ago and learned some very interesting marketing ploys.

Betty Crocker, who invented cake mixes, had one of the best ploys. When cake mixes first came out, no one bought them. BC hired a marketing expert who found out that what kept them from selling was freshness. So... they added the instruction to add one egg to the mix and, boom, off went that product as we all know.

Another is Wonder Bread, who puts the scent of fresh bread into the wrapper. Also, you can push the bread down flat, and go away for a while, and when you come back, there it is all puffy again.

One of the best is the awesome discovery that something will sell for $1.99 that would not sell for $2.00. Amazing! People just don't see the .99, only the $1. I know it's true because I have had to point out to many people that something cost $30, even if it said $29.99. Amazing!

Love, annamill


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Subject: RE: BS: Silly/Stupid Product Descriptions
From: gnu
Date: 30 Apr 01 - 05:01 PM

I have often said $30 to salespeople during the ensuing converstaion and been corrected, "$29.99". At which point, I say something to the effect of, "Well, I thought I'd tip you the penny for all your help." They get peeved. Amazing !


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Subject: RE: BS: Silly/Stupid Product Descriptions
From: Mike Byers
Date: 30 Apr 01 - 06:18 PM

Are people getting dumber, or are there just more regulators and liability lawywers? Remember the old-time GE electric fans? These things had gaps in their blade guards big enough to stick your fist through. Metal blades, too. I don't think you could build something like this today without chopping up a large number of people, but I never knew anyone who actually stuck their finger in one of these. And how about the interurban electric trains that used to run in the US midwest (yep, we did have mass transit at one time)? They didn't even fence off the tracks in the countryside. If you did that today, you'd have a great, big linear "people zapper". But I suppose people back in the 1940s were smart enough to stay off the third rail. I just put in a ceiling fan that had the following warning on the blades: "Stop Fan Before Cleaning Blades." Sort of makes you wonder, doesn't it?


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Subject: RE: BS: Silly/Stupid Product Descriptions
From: mousethief
Date: 30 Apr 01 - 06:30 PM

I blame Ralph Nader. He wants a world in which absolutely nothing unsafe can possibly happen. As the populace is required to use their brains less often, they use them less often. Atrophy results. ("Use it or lose it!")

Alex


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Subject: RE: BS: Silly/Stupid Product Descriptions
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 30 Apr 01 - 06:47 PM

Actually, you can stick your finger into a running metal-blade household fan and stop it, without hurting yourself. I've done it many times when I was a kid. No cuts, no nuthin'. Just put it in enough to drag on the slanted blades as they come around, hold the finger there as the blades use up their energy rubbing against the finger.

Dave Oesterreich


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Subject: RE: BS: Silly/Stupid Product Descriptions
From: Micca
Date: 30 Apr 01 - 06:59 PM

Since we seem to be including strange labels.. Many years ago(1960s) There were frequent product forgeries in the Far East, the labels were copied and the container shapes and colours exactly.. but the odd error crept in, I had for several years a square Ballantines whiskey bottle, (empty) that was Identical to the export version from Scotland, except , proudly in the middle of the label it said
" Pressed from genuine Scottish Grapes"


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Subject: RE: BS: Silly/Stupid Product Descriptions
From: mousethief
Date: 30 Apr 01 - 07:14 PM

The stop-the-fan trick works if you touch the BACK of the blade (the direction the wind caused by the fan is coming FROM). If you touch the FRONT of the blade, you will get your fingers hurt, or worse.

Alex


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Subject: RE: BS: Silly/Stupid Product Descriptions
From: CarolC
Date: 30 Apr 01 - 07:32 PM

You just now went and tried it, didn't you Alex? How's your finger? (*g*)


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Subject: RE: BS: Silly/Stupid Product Descriptions
From: BRG
Date: 30 Apr 01 - 07:42 PM

Heavy metal fans!?


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Subject: RE: BS: Silly/Stupid Product Descriptions
From: Dharmabum
Date: 30 Apr 01 - 08:17 PM

I once had a stepladder that had this label on the very top,"DO NOT STEP BEYOND THIS POINT"

And a bumper sticker sized label that came with our 3 ft. deep swimming pool,"NO DIVING,MAY CAUSE NECK INJURIES". Of course,I couldn't resist & promptly placed one on the toilet.

DB.


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Subject: RE: BS: Silly/Stupid Product Descriptions
From: mousethief
Date: 30 Apr 01 - 11:16 PM

I have done it many times with fans with soft foam blades, and deduced what would happen if they weren't soft foam. :-)

Alex


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Subject: RE: BS: Silly/Stupid Product Descriptions
From: mousethief
Date: 30 Apr 01 - 11:18 PM

Warning: I said it wrong. You must touch the FRONT of the blade and not the BACK. Apologies to anybody who lost portions of fingers due to my misstatement.

Alex


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Subject: RE: BS: Silly/Stupid Product Descriptions
From: catspaw49
Date: 30 Apr 01 - 11:44 PM

Great thread gang.......These things really get me too. Hmmmm...Where to start?

Roy Clark Guitar...Oh yeah, Roy oughta' be shot for this one, but what the hell is a "Genuine Hardwood Finish?"

Donut Box...Bought some at Kroger one day and on the bottom of the box, it said, "Possible Uses: 12 Circular Donuts." And there I was wondering.........

Prepared Foods like TV Dinners.....Didja' ever notice that on the front it says "Serving Suggestion"????? The picture shows the TV dinner in the tray, just laying there, processed to death......MMmmmm-MMmmmm Good. And I would never have thought to serve it in the tray...............

Vile, Foamy, Liquid Cleaners.......I was cleaning the mildew with some super mildew cleaner and the stuff stinks REAL BAD. On the bottle it says, "Use only in a well ventilated area." Now I don't know about you, but I don't get mildew in "well ventilated areas."

Prescription Information.....Oh these are a riot. Check on some of the penicillin derivatives and you'll find that one possible side effect is "Black, Hairy Tongue." Nads please! OR.....read some side effects on heart meds. One particularly nasty one lists DEATH as one of it's major potential side effects. Geeziz, why take it?

Just love this stuff............

Spaw


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Subject: RE: BS: Silly/Stupid Product Descriptions
From: Firecat
Date: 01 May 01 - 07:11 AM

I'm not sure if this is what people are getting at, but I once read that in Thailand (I think it is) they sell these kitchen knives with a label saying "Warning: Keep out of children"!! Don't be giving people ideas now!!


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Subject: RE: BS: Silly/Stupid Product Descriptions
From: Bernard
Date: 01 May 01 - 07:33 AM

Instructions that came with a new computer at work:

Please allow sufficient time for box and contents to reach room temperature before opening. This will reduce the risk of damage through condensation.

Great idea... but the instructions were inside the box!!!


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Subject: RE: BS: Silly/Stupid Product Descriptions
From: Mike Byers
Date: 01 May 01 - 07:58 AM

A few years ago, me and my pal BJ (she's an artist who once designed an electrical board game for two players that would electrocute the winner) came up with the notion of an actual "bug zapper" for people. This would be installed in a large semi trailer, and the only door to the trailer would be plainly marked in multiple languages "Extreme Danger: Do Not Enter". Around 3:00AM, you'd park this downtown in a city (we thought Washington, DC might be a good beginning) and simply leave it there. What do you think? Would this help thin the idiot population? Should we apply for a NEA grant, or do you suppose private funding might be available?


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Subject: RE: BS: Silly/Stupid Product Descriptions
From: Naemanson
Date: 01 May 01 - 08:24 AM

Mike, your friend BJ is a genius! I'd donate money for a set up in the capital.


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Subject: RE: BS: Silly/Stupid Product Descriptions
From: Mike Byers
Date: 02 May 01 - 02:08 AM

Hey, send in your cash and I'll build the thing! I'd definitely want to deploy it when the congress was in session, though. "If you build it, they will come." And did anyone notice on the back of the envelope in which you sent your dough to George II's lads this April the statement, "If you file electronically, DO NOT use this envelope"? Gee, and I was gonna stuff it in the floppy disc slot and save a stamp...


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Subject: RE: BS: Silly/Stupid Product Descriptions
From: Terry K
Date: 02 May 01 - 03:27 AM

Spaw, your "Black Hairy Tongue" obviously comes from "Black Velvet Band"

" ....... her hairy tongue over her shoulder ....".

DaveO and Mousethief - just how did you get on with that third rail?

Cheers, Terry


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Subject: RE: BS: Silly/Stupid Product Descriptions
From: Kim C
Date: 02 May 01 - 11:30 AM

I used to work in a furniture store and we sold this little side table that would only hold a plant or a telephone. I was assembling the table to go on display and on the bottom side of is was a sticker that read:

Warning. This is a table. Don't sit on it.


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Subject: RE: BS: Silly/Stupid Product Descriptions
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 02 May 01 - 11:46 AM

'hairy tongue over her shoulders...'

hahahahahahahaha

Just got it! Bit slow on the uptake today.

It's another Mondegreen init!

DtG


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Subject: RE: BS: Silly/Stupid Product Descriptions
From: Lady McMoo
Date: 02 May 01 - 07:33 PM

I think my favourite is the unsuccessful US advertisement for the the Swedish company Electrolux's vacuum cleaner:

"Nothing sucks like an Electrolux"

mcmoo


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Subject: RE: BS: Silly/Stupid Product Descriptions
From: catspaw49
Date: 02 May 01 - 07:34 PM

When Nissan opened their new plant in Nashville, they had an "Open House" that ran for about three days and it was really packed......cars lined up everywhere. The tours were very well done and took you all over the plant. Literally, tens of thousands went through the place.

In the washrooms there were the standard huge circular sinks....well, these were the half-circles and wall mounted. Anyway, it appears that not everyone had ever worked in a place where you get dirty and need huge sinks because it was obvious that they had had a problem with some of the tourers recognizing them for what they were. I know this because above one of the sinks was a hand lettered sign that read:

THIS IS NOT A URINAL

Spaw


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Subject: RE: BS: Silly/Stupid Product Descriptions
From: Bill D
Date: 02 May 01 - 10:10 PM

well, 'spaw, some products like that NEED labels. When I was in college, I worked for a time at Building & Grounds, and got acquainted with all the people who kept the physical plant going.

One day, the head plumber came in with a piece of paper in his hand grining and shaking his head. Why?

..well...we had a new Fine Arts building, and it seems that after several years, it was apparent that the ballet and other dance classes were over 90% attended by women, and they had built restrooms for both men & women at the dance studio. So, they decided the men could use the restroom down the hall a ways, and they would let the women have both the close ones...nice, huh?

.....so...the plumber reads this paper to us, which turns out to be a maintainance request from the new ballet teacher. "dear sir, regarding the new restroom at the dance studio-- the girls really like the footwashers, but we wonder if it would be possible to pipe warm water to them?"

Yep...floor length urinals, to expensive to tear out....and the plumber had to call this woman and keep his face straight while he explained that, no, he could NOT run warm water to the footwashers.

I suspect it is for people like that dance teacher that those product labels are written.


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Subject: RE: BS: Silly/Stupid Product Descriptions
From: Chip2447
Date: 03 May 01 - 12:10 AM

And people wonder why the Chevrolet Nova didn't sell well in Mexico.


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Subject: RE: BS: Silly/Stupid Product Descriptions
From: Terry K
Date: 03 May 01 - 12:47 AM

This must be apocryphal but the story goes that Bernard Matthews (of turkey processing fame here in UK) wanted to input to his firm's marketing slogan. He specially wanted to stress that his produce comes from Norfolk and of course wanted to say how good it is. So he came up with

"Bernard Matthews Turkey - it's Norfolk 'n good!".

Cheers, Terry


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Subject: RE: BS: Silly/Stupid Product Descriptions
From: catspaw49
Date: 03 May 01 - 12:51 AM

Chip.....The Mexican's got even for the NoGo though......A few years later about 2000 engines were assembled in the GM Mexican plant using 2 different pistons in each engine. They had a different top on them and the change in combustion chamber configuration made for some rough running engines. Chevy put out a tech bulletin, but no recall.........Not the kind of thing they wanted known.

Spaw


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Subject: RE: BS: Silly/Stupid Product Descriptions
From: paddymac
Date: 03 May 01 - 01:11 AM

There's been one of those e-mail lists floating around lately with the "top 10" proposed slogans for Viagra. The ones I chuckled most at were: "we bring good things to life"; "the quicker pecker upper"; and "this is your penis - this is your penis on drugs. Any questions?"


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Subject: RE: BS: Silly/Stupid Product Descriptions
From: catspaw49
Date: 03 May 01 - 08:19 AM

Ya' know..........Mark Martin (NASCAR driver) is now sponsored by Viagra. I'm waitng for his first win under the new sponsor:

How was it out there today Mark?
It was a really hard one today. The car was really tight but I slid into that hole between those two cars at the end there. Competition was pretty stiff but we put it out front when it counted.

How many jokes are possible here? Damn near anything you say is going to be taken wrong......

Spaw


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Subject: RE: BS: Silly/Stupid Product Descriptions
From: Whistle Stop
Date: 03 May 01 - 08:40 AM

Slight thread drift here, but what really makes me laugh are television commercials for prescription drugs. Typically, three quarters of the commercial is devoted to warnings about all the bad things the product can do to you, i.e., "may cause headaches, shortness of breath, uncontrollable itching, blindness, convulsions and death". In some cases they don't even tell you what the product is for -- they just give the name, show a pretty picture of sunny skies over fields of wildflowers, and tell you all the health problems you may experience as a result of using their product. It amazes me that these commercials actually increase sales -- but they must, or else the pharmaceutical companies would stop running them.


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Subject: RE: BS: Silly/Stupid Product Descriptions
From: Fibula Mattock
Date: 03 May 01 - 08:47 AM

heh heh heh - I agree, Whistle Stop. I was really taken with the ads in the States with all those disclaimers. The best was one for genital herpes treatment which began "My genital herpes are so much better after using product x and not product y" and ended with a long list of side effects and the frightening statement "nails will grow back in 3 weeks".


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Subject: RE: BS: Silly/Stupid Product Descriptions
From: Bert
Date: 03 May 01 - 12:23 PM

Right Whistle Stop,

I love the Propecia Ad. May cause birth defects and sexual side effects. Now this is a product that makes HAIR grow, so one can only imagine what these side effects are. Hairy babies and hairy dicks?


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Subject: RE: BS: Silly/Stupid Product Descriptions
From: GUEST,petr
Date: 03 May 01 - 09:30 PM

this reminded me of a story that happened in my brothers printing business - they had sent a statement to the Univ of BC dept of physiology for an outstanding invoice (it was over 60days ) and the statement says over 30, over 60 over 90. (on the statement my brother highlighted the term over 60) It was addressed to a Dr. Jones. (not his real name) Well they received a letter from the Dr.'s secretary the overall tone was a little snotty, and said to the effect. Please send a copy of the invoice for this amount as we do not know what this is for. They had enclosed the original statement. The letter ended by saying. "By the way, for your information, Dr. Jones was born in 1942 and is definitely not over sixty."

what a hoot.


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Subject: RE: BS: Silly/Stupid Product Descriptions
From: John Hardly
Date: 03 May 01 - 10:38 PM

True art fair story.
As a friend was waiting in line to use the port-a-jon he chanced to overhear conversation between two older women just exiting the molded plastic structures. One says to the other, "I don't know why they had sinks on the wall, there's no running water in there!.

Just noticed today on my bottled water that proudly proclaims its Blue Ridge Mountain origin....the picture on the side of the bottle has snow-capped mountains.

JH


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Subject: RE: BS: Silly/Stupid Product Descriptions
From: Bill D
Date: 04 May 01 - 12:35 AM

"I don't know why they had sinks on the wall, there's no running water in there!."

I know this plumber who can....oh, never mind...


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Subject: RE: BS: Silly/Stupid Product Descriptions
From: wysiwyg
Date: 04 May 01 - 01:58 AM

Well, the SUPENSION FORK Instructor (users guide, for a bike part) recommends you keep it as a guide for your future life. I think it went through several other languages before it was printed in English. I should post the whole thing, it's a riot.


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Subject: RE: BS: Silly/Stupid Product Descriptions
From: Rt Revd Sir jOhn from Hull
Date: 28 Jul 01 - 01:43 AM

I have just bought a new stereo, it says in the owners guide "DO NOT IMMERSE IN WATER"


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Subject: RE: BS: Silly/Stupid Product Descriptions
From: JohnInKansas
Date: 28 Jul 01 - 10:34 AM

John Hardly:
It has been a running joke in the Winfield Festival campgrounds for about 3 years now. Apparently a (possibly slightly inebriated) person of feminime persuasion exited a portapot complaining loudly that when she put her purse in the "purse holder" it got all wet. "IT LOOKED LIKE SOMEBODY HAD P..S..D IN THE PURSEHOLDER!"

A mention of the "Do Not Open Until" inside the box brings to mind a couple of years ago when I bought a couple of IOMEGA Zip drives. The installation manual was .... on a Zip Disk.

One of the well known Hard Drive manufacturers printed an announcement in a number of 'puter magazines several years back, announcing the WOD (Write Only Drive). They reportedly got requests for more information from several thousand people - each of whom was refered to the APRIL 1, 19XX date prominently included in the ad.
(If you've ever tried to get a restore out of your SA, you might believe he uses one for backups.)

But our dear beloved MickeySoft, through at least the last 5 or 6 Op System versions has included detailed information (27 linked references in one version) on how to SEND FAXES. There is NO entry giving any information on how to set up your machine to RECEIVE a FAX.

Current and recent versions of Outlook Express give detailed informations on how to back up your email. There is no suggestion of how to retrieve, recover, restore, replace, download, or "get" an email from a backup.

Maybe they expect you to back up only to the WOD.

John


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Subject: RE: BS: Silly/Stupid Product Descriptions
From: dwditty
Date: 28 Jul 01 - 03:28 PM

Don Novello (who played Father Guido Sarducci on Saturday Night Live) complained to the makers of Mr. Bubble that he was confused about using their product because it said on the box, "Keep Dry."


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Subject: RE: BS: Silly/Stupid Product Descriptions
From: Dicho (Frank Staplin)
Date: 28 Jul 01 - 08:20 PM

Saw one in Calgary which read "We sell genuine furniture."


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Subject: RE: BS: Silly/Stupid Product Descriptions
From: Tweedie
Date: 28 Jul 01 - 08:29 PM

In the UK in the 1980s a computer manufacturer's ad team proudly announced that the new machine had 'in built' circuitry. I subsequently saw the same proclamation on a TV set sometime in the 90s.


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Subject: RE: BS: Silly/Stupid Product Descriptions
From: RangerSteve
Date: 29 Jul 01 - 01:19 AM

On a carton of orange juice: Ingredients: Orange Juice from Concentrate (orange juice concentrate, water).I'm relieved to know they use water.

And getting slightly off the subject, is there really a need for the instructions on shampoo bottles? Is there anyone out there who doesn't know how and where to apply the stuff?


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Subject: RE: BS: Silly/Stupid Product Descriptions
From: Joe Offer
Date: 29 Jul 01 - 04:03 AM

Hey, check out out all the stupid ads for the Cat Adventure Video, featuring the sights & sounds of nature in STEREO! The Cat Adventure Video consists of scenes of birds, gerbils, squirrels, butterflies and other animals running, flying and jumping about. Alex and Andy will sit transfixed and watch this video over and over. From time to time, they will paw at the screen, but usually they just sit and watch.

It's supposed to give "vicarious adventure" to cats. I wonder if it will stop Kitty from killing the neighborhood wildlife. I like cats, but....

-Joe-


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Subject: RE: BS: Silly/Stupid Product Descriptions
From: Hillheader
Date: 29 Jul 01 - 07:59 AM

I once saw a notice on a Guinness tanker in Dundalk (Ireland). It was above the main outlet valve and said "Do not attempt to empty the container with this valve closed".

Davebhoy


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Subject: RE: BS: Silly/Stupid Product Descriptions
From: Little Hawk
Date: 29 Jul 01 - 01:28 PM

How about all those cereal boxes that give you minutely detailed instructions as to just exactly how to open and reshut them! Wow! What would we ever do without those instructions? Why, we'd probably all starve!

Advertising is an endless barrage of unrequested invasion of people's privacy, and a major waste of their time.

It is one of the almost inescapable aspects of the "give me convenience or give me death" society.

Hail Caesar!

- LH


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Subject: RE: BS: Silly/Stupid Product Descriptions
From: pavane
Date: 30 Jul 01 - 03:42 AM

What about counterfeit products? When I was working in Saudi Arabia some years ago (25, to be precise), shop there sold a popular brand of shirts, made in Hong Kong, under the brand name Black Cat. Much amusement was caused by a copycat (!) brand which appeared called 'Black Pussy' Shame I never actually bought one.
And the oil company ARAMCO were very keen on safety, and had safety slogans printed on their pencils. I DO still have one inscribed 'Inspect Tool Before Use'.


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Subject: RE: BS: Silly/Stupid Product Descriptions
From: Steve Parkes
Date: 30 Jul 01 - 07:45 AM

DtG: daft as it may seem, peanuts are not nuts! It's a shame I know, and it wouldn't hapen in a perfect world, but someone with a nut allergy, even without a peanut allergy, ... etc. etc.

Steve

P.S. It wasn't one of those packets with the instructions, was it? "Open packet. Eat contents."


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Subject: RE: BS: Silly/Stupid Product Descriptions
From: Crazy Eddie
Date: 30 Jul 01 - 08:19 AM

John in Hull, sorry to hear about your new stereo:
I have just bought a new stereo, it says in the owners guide "DO NOT IMMERSE IN WATER"
I guess this means that your plans for the underwater ballet will need a re-think :o).

"Eat at MAK'S, you'll never forget the finger-biting taste..."
I always imagine peopler so distraught with horror, that they are chewing their fingers, rather than merely biting their nails! But then, I'm a bit strange.......

But my very favourite was a T-shirt I saw in India with the slogan: "NIKE Do It Just"
Unfortunately, it was not for sale.


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Subject: RE: BS: Silly/Stupid Product Descriptions
From: Steve Parkes
Date: 30 Jul 01 - 08:23 AM

I heard a story a few years back of a man (a US citizen, allegedly) who used the side of his hammer-head to knock in nails. Needless to say, one day he gave a good hard clout and the head shattered, causing some injury to the idio operator. He successfully sued the manufacturers on the grounds that there were no instructions! But a year or so later I bought a hammer which had a sticker on the stale wich started off "Important: instructions for use"!

Steve


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Subject: RE: BS: Silly/Stupid Product Descriptions
From: LR Mole
Date: 30 Jul 01 - 09:01 AM

Two probably-too-good-to-be-true mistranslations into Spanish: "Coors:turn it loose." became "Drink Coors and get diarrhea," and "Come alive; you're in the Pepsi generation" apparently was rendered,"Pepsi makes your ancestors return from the dead."
I don't know. Tempting, in a way.


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Subject: RE: BS: Silly/Stupid Product Descriptions
From: Kim C
Date: 30 Jul 01 - 01:39 PM

Who in the sam hill would put a stereo in the bathtub? Used to be someone made a waterproof shower radio. I used to have one but who knows where it is now.

Sort of an aside... Mister and I were en route to a friend's house and we passed a place called Ski Hut. Mister said to me, What do you reckon they sell at the Ski Hut?

(he's setting me up for something here and I bite)

Well, Skis, I guess.

But, he said, they don't sell fingers at Fingerhut!

(see what I have lived with for 11 years!!!!!???!)

I always wondered why there are braille instructions at the drive-up ATM...


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Subject: RE: BS: Silly/Stupid Product Descriptions
From: Gareth
Date: 30 Jul 01 - 02:26 PM

Best I have seen was a Job Advert from Canterbury City Council, stating that the Job Description and Application form was also avaiable in brail.

The Job ? Chauffuer to the Lord Mayor.

It's things like this that give equal opportunities a bad name.

Gareth


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Subject: RE: BS: Silly/Stupid Product Descriptions
From: RangerSteve
Date: 30 Jul 01 - 08:26 PM

KimC - I wondered about the braille drive up ATMs myself. It turns out to be a real simple explanation. It's so they don't have to manufacture separate keypads for the drive-up and walk-up ATMs.


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Subject: RE: BS: Silly/Stupid Product Descriptions
From: Little Hawk
Date: 30 Jul 01 - 09:05 PM

They should have shot that guy who broke the hammer. They could have called it a "mercy killing".

- LH


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Subject: RE: BS: Silly/Stupid Product Descriptions
From: Mr Happy
Date: 28 Jun 02 - 08:19 AM

we bought a new washing machine.

on the casing was a sticker saying 'important- read instructions before using- do not connect to electricity supply until you have read instructions '

i couldn't find the instructions anywhere after searching through the box & packaging, so i rang the shop to ask.

they said they should be inside the machine.

i went back to the machine & sure enough could see through the glass door that there was a package inside.

i tried to open the door but couldn't so i rang the shop again.

they said 'you have to plug it in to open the door'

can you believe it?


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Subject: RE: BS: Silly/Stupid Product Descriptions
From: Wincing Devil
Date: 28 Jun 02 - 11:00 AM

My cat, Splotch, has to have prescription medicine every day. I've explained to the pharmacist that the patient is a CAT, but they still put on a sticker admonishing Splotch not to drive or operate heavy machinery. And I read it to him dutifully!


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Subject: RE: BS: Silly/Stupid Product Descriptions
From: Hrothgar
Date: 30 Jun 02 - 04:01 AM

Thread creep - if a thread like this can creep:

Kim C

Hit Mister with this one: If they play baseball with a baseball bat, what do they play with a vampire bat?


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Subject: RE: BS: Silly/Stupid Product Descriptions
From: Don Firth
Date: 30 Jun 02 - 02:27 PM

Now why anyone would go to the expense of buying a convertible and then have a hard-top installed, I have no idea. But back in the late Forties when I was in high school, you could buy a "Carson Top," (a hard-top) and have it bolted onto your convertible. Some people thought they looked real sexy, and they were a sort of precursor to the "hardtop convertible" (yet another concept I never quite grasped). Hardtop convertibles were quite popular in the mid and late Fifties. In any case, while driving along Roosevelt Way near Seattle's University District, one passed an automobile accessories and repair shop that featured a sign saying "Genuine Carson Tops, made only by Hauser."

Earlier in his career, Segovia played a Hauser guitar. I wonder who made that?

I've always liked "New and Improved!" Hmm. . . . you mean your lousy product was really lousy, but now it's not quite as lousy as it used to be? Either that, or you've taken your perfectly good product and thoroughly screwed it up?

Don Firth


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Subject: RE: BS: Silly/Stupid Product Descriptions
From: Gareth
Date: 30 Jun 02 - 02:44 PM

Syory - Warrented True.

My sister was going away for a few days. And quite reasonably she left me a note aking me to feed her cats.

Only one problem, she left the note on her kitchen table. Not mine !!!

Result 2 very hungry, annoyed Moggies!

Gareth


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Subject: RE: BS: Silly/Stupid Product Descriptions
From: C-flat
Date: 30 Jun 02 - 03:01 PM

I remember calling at a furniture shop in a picturesque North Yorkshire village that used to open on Sundays despite the strict Sunday trading laws that used to be enforced. To get around the law allowing only souvenier shops to trade he simply labelled his furniture "Souvenier of Leyburn".

Nice little keepsake,that chest of drawers, don't you think?


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Mudcat time: 11 July 12:00 PM EDT

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