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Puns: Give us your worst/best

Extra Stout 27 Apr 01 - 09:32 PM
mousethief 27 Apr 01 - 05:44 PM
Naemanson 27 Apr 01 - 04:58 PM
Jacob B 27 Apr 01 - 04:22 PM
Frug 27 Apr 01 - 03:51 PM
Jim Krause 27 Apr 01 - 02:37 PM
mousethief 27 Apr 01 - 02:01 PM
Grab 27 Apr 01 - 01:54 PM
Bill D 26 Apr 01 - 10:46 PM
Kim C 26 Apr 01 - 05:59 PM
GUEST,Moleskin Joe 26 Apr 01 - 02:53 PM
Long Firm Freddie 26 Apr 01 - 02:34 PM
Troll 26 Apr 01 - 02:22 PM
GUEST,Sue 26 Apr 01 - 02:16 PM
Long Firm Freddie 26 Apr 01 - 01:56 PM
Trapper 26 Apr 01 - 01:51 PM
Bardford 26 Apr 01 - 01:38 PM
Dahlin 26 Apr 01 - 01:29 PM
mousethief 26 Apr 01 - 12:18 PM
mousethief 26 Apr 01 - 12:11 PM
Grab 26 Apr 01 - 12:10 PM
catspaw49 26 Apr 01 - 11:25 AM
Jim Dixon 26 Apr 01 - 11:19 AM
Jim Dixon 26 Apr 01 - 10:38 AM
Naemanson 26 Apr 01 - 10:32 AM
Dunkle 26 Apr 01 - 10:21 AM
kendall 26 Apr 01 - 08:29 AM
GUEST,John Gray / Australia 26 Apr 01 - 08:22 AM
Dave the Gnome 26 Apr 01 - 08:17 AM
GUEST,John Gray / Australia 26 Apr 01 - 07:58 AM
Tony in Sweden 26 Apr 01 - 07:29 AM
Crazy Eddie 26 Apr 01 - 06:33 AM
GUEST,lynda 26 Apr 01 - 05:54 AM
Chip2447 26 Apr 01 - 04:23 AM
Bert 26 Apr 01 - 01:33 AM
Jim Dixon 25 Apr 01 - 11:52 PM
Mike Byers 25 Apr 01 - 11:50 PM
Bugsy 25 Apr 01 - 11:07 PM
SINSULL 25 Apr 01 - 10:44 PM
kendall 25 Apr 01 - 09:15 PM
Blackcatter 25 Apr 01 - 09:07 PM
Art Thieme 25 Apr 01 - 08:41 PM
GUEST,an is guy 25 Apr 01 - 08:37 PM
NightWing 25 Apr 01 - 07:55 PM
John Hardly 25 Apr 01 - 07:48 PM
catspaw49 25 Apr 01 - 07:39 PM
John Hardly 25 Apr 01 - 07:29 PM
Jim Dixon 25 Apr 01 - 07:20 PM
Kernow John 25 Apr 01 - 07:08 PM
Jim Dixon 25 Apr 01 - 07:08 PM
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Subject: RE: Puns: Give us your worst/best
From: Extra Stout
Date: 27 Apr 01 - 09:32 PM

There was a group of islanders who were so devoted to their traditional fishing boats that eventually, the people began to resemble the boats. They were a prowed people.


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Subject: RE: Puns: Give us your worst/best
From: mousethief
Date: 27 Apr 01 - 05:44 PM

Continued HERE

Alex


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Subject: RE: Puns: Give us your worst/best
From: Naemanson
Date: 27 Apr 01 - 04:58 PM

Oh, now you unleash Spider Robinson! In that case, and in the spirit of the website (music), try this on for size. You all know the tune.

When you swim in the sea and an eel bites your knee that a moray,
When a farmer has need to cut some more feed that's some more hay,
It's a New Zealand man with a permanent tan, that's a Maori,
You got vitamin B, C, D, and some E, you need more A,
A Canadian man introduces his mom, "That's me maw, eh."


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Subject: RE: Puns: Give us your worst/best
From: Jacob B
Date: 27 Apr 01 - 04:22 PM

A Mouse Harp is another name for an Our Monica - you know, the little instrument with reeds that you blow into?

Grendel Briarton is a pen name for (and an anagram of) Reginald Bretnor, who is best known as an artist, but who has also had stories published under his own name.

However, Spider Robinson is to blame for the following:

The weekly pun contest was going on down in the bar. This week, the theme for the contest was Science Fiction. The field of competitors had been narrowed down to two, a man and a woman. It was the woman's turn, and she told this story:

"The Israeli government was delighted when it received a secret communique from an Arab government, offering to negotiate a treaty. When the Arab dignitaries arrived for the negotiations, the Israelis thought it would be a good idea to treat them to some entertainment, and took them to an amusement park. One of the dignitaries particularly liked the carousel, and rode it many times. Unfortunately, he became so dizzy that he fell down when he got off the carousel, and he was immediately eaten by the second of three sheep that happened to be standing nearby.

"The Israeli official escorting the group was horrified. He rushed up to the sheep and said accusingly, 'Middle lamb, you've had a dizzy bey.'"

This story was greeted by a large chorus of groans. However, the woman's opponent protested. Her story, he said, had not stuck to the declared theme of the evening.

The woman smiled sweetly. "The story," she said, "was clearly about Zion's Friction."

She won the contest.


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Subject: RE: Puns: Give us your worst/best
From: Frug
Date: 27 Apr 01 - 03:51 PM

A guy breaks out in a terrible rash and consults his doctor who then refers him on to a specialist. The specialist in turn calls for a third opinion and eventually has to inform the guy that he has contracted a very rare and incurable disease and that he will surely die a most horrible death. The guy goes out and considers how to spend his last days and while browsing the papers looking for something to do he spots an advertisement from a witch doctor who claims to be able to cure everything. The guy goes along and the witch doctor says that in order to save his life the guy most be prepared to sacrifice his best friend. As our hero does not want to die he arranges to meet his friend at the pub for a few beers. After a good drink they leave to go home and on the way our man kills his friend with a brick and takes the corpse along to the witch doctor. The witch doctor places the corpse in a large vat and boils it down for several days until all thats left is a gooey mess which he spreads all over our mans body. In the morning the rash has disappeared and our guy is delighted. Asked if there is a name for this form of treatment the witch doctor replies...........

Yea we call it PALOMINE LOTION


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Subject: RE: Puns: Give us your worst/best
From: Jim Krause
Date: 27 Apr 01 - 02:37 PM

This comes from Chester Drawers

Seems farmer Al Falfa's old dog Wrecks had taken rather a bad turn. So Al loaded up the dog in the pick up and took him downtown to Dr. Payne's veterinary clinic there on Second St. in Two Foot Falls. Well, Doc looked at ol' Wrecks and said "This doesn't look to good, Mr. Falfa, Ol' Wrecks is dead."

"Can't be." said Al. "Isn't there something you can do?"

"Well, I'll see." says Doc. Presently he goes out of the examining room and brings back this labrador retriever. The lab looks at Wrecks' comatose body, looks at Doc, then looks at Wrecks, then at Al. Finally Doc says "Yep, Ol' Wrecks is dead, all right. I'm sorry."

Al says "Wait just try once more. I really want a second opinion." So, Doc Payne takes the lab away, and comes back with this Siamese cat. He holds the cat over top of Ol' Wrecks and passes her from left to right, then from right to left. And the Doc says to Al, "No doubt about it now, Ol' Wrecks is dead. I'm sorry. That'll be $850.00."

"$850.00!" exclaims Al Falfa. "What do you think, money grows on trees?! How do you figure that?"

"Well, simple, $350.00 for the lab tests, and $500.00 for the cat scan."
Jim


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Subject: RE: Puns: Give us your worst/best
From: mousethief
Date: 27 Apr 01 - 02:01 PM

Thanks, Grab.

Okay, now I don't understand the Monica Mouse one.

Alex


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Subject: RE: Puns: Give us your worst/best
From: Grab
Date: 27 Apr 01 - 01:54 PM

Alex, the slogan for Audi cars is "Vorsprung durch Technik".

Graham.


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Subject: RE: Puns: Give us your worst/best
From: Bill D
Date: 26 Apr 01 - 10:46 PM

so, there were this African tribe, with two clans, living on opposite side of a very large lake. They almost never associated with each other due to an old feud, but because they were small, they needed to vary the gene pool now and then.

To accomplish this, every few years a group of young marriagable girls were gathered from each group and traded, as women have been for ages...there was a feast in the villages, then the girls were put into canoes and paddled out into the middle of the lake, where the young men from each group would haggle and trade various items until all the girls had new homes in the other clan.

All went well until one year. The meeting had just concluded when the waether turned bad and a large storm blew up, tossing the little canoes about until everyone feared for their lives! The tribesmen paddled for shore, barely managing to find a narrow beach, but it was unfamilar territory...they were totally lost! In fact, the situation was so bad, they didn't know which side their brides were bartered on!

And then, there was a mother who had two young boys in pre-school...and an unruly pair they were! Always in trouble! Finally one day, the teacher lost her temper and against ALL the rules, she popped the boys over her knee, yanked their pants down and spanked them soundly!

Well, shortly thereafter, Mom arrived to get them, and there they were, tears streaming down their shocked faces, as they had NEVER been spanked before, (being from a very modern family who belived in counseling children, not paddling them!)...Mother asked them what had happened, but they were so embarrassed, they just said that teacher had punished them...so she asked the teacher, but the teacher didn't want to admit to corporal punishment. Well, Mom suspected that the boys had been hit, but no one would admit anything , for their own reasons.....so finally she just gave up and took them home, never knowing which side her brood was battered on.


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Subject: RE: Puns: Give us your worst/best
From: Kim C
Date: 26 Apr 01 - 05:59 PM

I don't know how much of a pun this is, but here's another true one.

Mister and I were at a reenactment, and I got a small rip in my dress when it got hung on a very long bolt sticking out of the porta-pot door. Same thing happened to my friend Janine about two hours later. Later that night, we were singing around the tent and making quite merry, when the Fair Becky came back from the ball. "I'll be back to join you in a minute, after I go to the blue box."

"Be careful," we said.

"Why?" she said.

I said, very loudly, "Janine and I tore our dresses from the screw in the portajohn."

As soon as I said that, boyoboy was I ever sorry. ;-)


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Subject: RE: Puns: Give us your worst/best
From: GUEST,Moleskin Joe
Date: 26 Apr 01 - 02:53 PM

Another good source is Brian O'Nolan's characters Keats and Chapman. eg Chapman's horse escapes from its stable and sets off across the hills with Chapman in pursuit. The following day he meets Keats who aks him what he is doing. "Dogging a fled horse" says Chapman.

MJ


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Subject: RE: Puns: Give us your worst/best
From: Long Firm Freddie
Date: 26 Apr 01 - 02:34 PM

One day, Mr Rodgers was in his music shop, when he heard a small scurrying sound. He looked over the top of the shop counter, and looking down, he saw a tiny little mouse.

It was obviously a girl mouse, because it was wearing a rather fetching pink tulle skirt.

"What can I do for you, little mouse?", asked Mr Rodgers.

"Have you got a mouse organ?", said the little creature.

"No, I'm afraid not. I've never heard of one of those. Sorry."

The little mouse thanked Mr Rodgers for his time, turned, and hurried out of the shop.

About half an hour later, another mouse turned up, this time wearing little blue shorts with shiny red buttons. A boy mouse, to be sure.

"Have you got a mouse organ, please Mister?", said the mouse.

"No, I'm sorry, I haven't. But it's funny, there was a little girl mouse in here asking for the very same thing, not half an hour ago."

"Was she wearing a pink tulle skirt?"

"Why yes, I do believe she was!"

"Oh, that'll be our Monica..."

LFF


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Subject: RE: Puns: Give us your worst/best
From: Troll
Date: 26 Apr 01 - 02:22 PM

MI-5 has recently opened its files and certain heretofore unknown facts have come to light.
It seems that Lord Kitchner, when he was in Egypt with his troops preparing to go to Khartoum to try to rescue General Gordon, contracted a skin condition that proved untreatable. Over the course of time, the itching caused by the condition affected his mind to the extent that his grip on reality began to slip.
By the time the campaign was over, he was as mad as a hatter and decided that the Monarchy must be overthrown and replaced with a military dictatorship with himself at the head. Since he was a hero to the British people, the whole matter was hushed up and he was kept in seclusion until a cure for the skin problem could be found.
A cure was found, administered, and the Generals sanity returned.
As I said, MI-5 has kept this secret until recently. So good was their security that no word of it ever got out except for the name given to the file wherein the details were kept and even that gave no real clue. Most people simply took it as a nonsense phrase used in regard to small children.
The name of the file was.....

The "Itchy Kitchy Coup"

troll


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Subject: RE: Puns: Give us your worst/best
From: GUEST,Sue
Date: 26 Apr 01 - 02:16 PM

I own an Iguana that like to sit on top of my computer screen because it's warm.... he's a monitor lizard.

Notes: Banff is a mountian tourist community in Alberta, Canada

There's this black bear and he's wondering around the forest, & decides he's thirsty, so he goes into Banff & wonders into the first bar he sees asking the bartender "May I have a beer?" The bartender relplies "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Banff" "Okay" says the bear & leaves, as he walks down the block he thinks - that's discrimination, I'm a bear, I won't stand for it.... and besides I really want a beer. So back he goes to the bar when he walks in he looks at the bartender and demands "Bartender I want a beer!" "Sorry," says the bartender "we don't serve beer to black bears in bars in Banff" "Grrr" says the bear "I demand BEER!!!", and he rips the head off the cute blond sitting at the bar "I'm sorry," says the bartender... "We don't serve beer to beligerant black bears in bars in Banff, or Drug users" "Drug users!" exclaims the bear "Yes drug users," says the bartender..... "That was the bar bitch you ate" -Sue


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Subject: RE: Puns: Give us your worst/best
From: Long Firm Freddie
Date: 26 Apr 01 - 01:56 PM

Last night two tankers collided in the English Channel. One was carrying purple paint, the other was carrying red paint. Both crews were marooned.

LFF


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Subject: RE: Puns: Give us your worst/best
From: Trapper
Date: 26 Apr 01 - 01:51 PM

===========================================
NON-POLITICALLY CORRECT JOKE WARNING...
===========================================

Do you know the difference between a tribe of pygmies and a women's track team?

One is a cunning bunch of runts....

- Al


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Subject: RE: Puns: Give us your worst/best
From: Bardford
Date: 26 Apr 01 - 01:38 PM

I was shopping for a Volkswagen microbus. A fellow who lived in the country had one advertised, so I went out to have a look. The guy had festooned the van with painted images of Sesame Street characters- Bert, Ernie, Big Bird, Cookie Monster etc. He handed me the keys for a test drive, and to take the bus to my mechanic for inspection. I was driving down the highway and saw a car on the side of the road with its hood up, and two nuns flagged me down. I pulled over (who wouldn't) and offered them a lift into town. Turns out they were both named Patty, and I figured having them in the bus would certainly test its suspension, as both were quite corpulent.

A few minutes down the road, another car broken down, and a young fellow in a wheelchair with his thumb out. I couldn't very well pass him by, especially since the two nuns in the back seat made it quite clear I should stop. I did so, and the nuns got out and picked up Ross, as his name turned out to be, chair and all, and squeezed him into the middle of the van. He was on his way to the wheelchair basketball tryouts for the Special Olympics.

Not five minutes later, another car broken down on the side of the road, well dressed fellow with a briefcase standing beside it. What the hell, I had an empty passenger seat, so I picked him up. Introductions all around, he was Lester Meese, going in to town for a very important meeting.

It took a while to get the van up to cruising speed, what with all the weight, but it handled surprisingly well. We were toodling along nicely, when, too my surprise, Lester Meece took his shoes and socks off. I looked in the rearview mirror- the nuns and Ross were staring gape-mouthed at him. Lester nonchalantly began scraping and digging at the callouses and corns on his feet, and I, in my utter astonishment, took my eyes off the road momentarily. The van hit the gravel shoulder and sailed off into the ditch, landing on the passenger side, trapping all my passengers in the bus.

A policeman arrived and took my statement, and called in to get some assistance:







" I'll need some help here. We've got two obese Pattys, special Ross, Lester Meese picking bunions on a Sesame Street bus."


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Subject: RE: Puns: Give us your worst/best
From: Dahlin
Date: 26 Apr 01 - 01:29 PM

"Gadeamus Igitur" Very early student drinking song adapted and used in the musical "The Student Prince"


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Subject: RE: Puns: Give us your worst/best
From: mousethief
Date: 26 Apr 01 - 12:18 PM

"Gaudeamus igitur" ("therefore let us rejoice")

A song, I think, from some famous university?

Alex


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Subject: RE: Puns: Give us your worst/best
From: mousethief
Date: 26 Apr 01 - 12:11 PM

I don't get the four-sprung duck call one.

The "Silly rabbi" is a spoof on a line from a breakfast cereal commercial: "Silly Rabbit, Trix are for Kids" (the rabbit in these commercials is always trying to steal Trix(TM) brand cereal, but it's just for kids, don't you know.)

And now, from the punny headlines department:

All toilets at precint stolen overnight. Police have nothing to go on.

Alex


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Subject: RE: Puns: Give us your worst/best
From: Grab
Date: 26 Apr 01 - 12:10 PM

"Gaudy anus, itchy door"? Anyone care to explain that?

Japanese business is currently in real trouble. Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank plans to cut back some of its branches. Karaoke Bank is up for sale and is going for a song. Meanwhile, shares in Kamikaze Bank have nose-dived and 500 back-office staff at Karate Bank got the chop. Analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank and staff there fear they may get a raw deal.

However, staff at Sake bank are in good spirits - the bank is completely loaded.

Graham.


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Subject: RE: Puns: Give us your worst/best
From: catspaw49
Date: 26 Apr 01 - 11:25 AM

HEY BRETT.......You said:

A scientist tested his time machine on a large beast of burden. He called the experiment yak to the future.

I think he conducted another experiment later called "Yak to the Future, Part Gnu"

Spaw


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Subject: RE: Puns: Give us your worst/best
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 26 Apr 01 - 11:19 AM

"From 1954 to 1966, Minneapolis radio and television personality Clellan Card portrayed a Scandinavian screwball named Axel Torgeson on a local children's TV show called 'Axel and His Dog.' "

That's from a good web site devoted to him, called Axel's Treehouse.

He was fond of puns. His trademark was a certain poem by Robert Louis Stevenson, which he would recite with his own twist:

A birdie with a yellow bill
Hopped upon my windowsill,
Cocked his shining eye and said:
"What's that in the road -- a head?"*

He repeated that poem hundreds of times in his career, varying the last line. The punchline always fit a formula: It was always a question, the last few words always included a pun, and the pun always depended on a crucial pause before the last word or two. The compiler of the web site calls this form a "birdie" in Card's honor. The example given above is not typical - he usually didn't bother with meter and rhyme.

What would you do if your wife drank -- liquor?
What's the matter with Hazel -- nuts?
How old were you when you got the colt -- 45?
What did you do after you ate the banana -- split?
What did you do when she stole your milk -- shake?
What do you think this is, Mary -- Christmas?
What's for dinner, Mother -- goose?

The web site gives many more examples.

*I just learned from the web site that the first example I gave may not be authentic, but it's still the one I like best.


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Subject: RE: Puns: Give us your worst/best
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 26 Apr 01 - 10:38 AM

Two athletes, from different countries, in town for an international competition, happen to meet in a bar. One says, "Are you a pole vaulter?" The other says, "No, I'm a German. But how'd you know my name vas Valter?"


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Subject: RE: Puns: Give us your worst/best
From: Naemanson
Date: 26 Apr 01 - 10:32 AM

Q. What is another name for a cow's udder?
A. A calfeteria.

Q. What is black and white and red all over?
A. Vanilla - Licorice Swirl Ice Cream with strawberry topping.

Q. What is a cow's son called?
A. A bullet.

Q. Why was the little calf crying?
A. He couldn't find his fodder.

Q. What is the difference between a cat and a comma?
A. A comma is a pause at the end of a clause. A cat has claws at the end its paws.

We put an unopened container in the microwave. The kangaroo and finally exploded.

A scientist tested his time machine on a large beast of burden. He called the experiment yak to the future.

My car had to be toad when it got stuck in the mud.

People with unconventional beliefs often congregate insects.

When you play the commodities market, it is often necessary to hedgehogs.
Cats enjoy warmth and may try to sleep on your computer monitor. You MUST allow this because the monitor is a cat toed ray tube monitor.

Zebra: Let's switch roles for awhile.
Lion: OK, I'm game.


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Subject: RE: Puns: Give us your worst/best
From: Dunkle
Date: 26 Apr 01 - 10:21 AM

I've imagined a big billboard along the road; litle girl with a bib up to her elbows in potato chips, in her hair, all over her lips...

The wording underneath: Little Helen from Troy, NY - the face that lunched a thousand chips!


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Subject: RE: Puns: Give us your worst/best
From: kendall
Date: 26 Apr 01 - 08:29 AM

sorry, I didnt see the blue clicky on Spinks.


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Subject: RE: Puns: Give us your worst/best
From: GUEST,John Gray / Australia
Date: 26 Apr 01 - 08:22 AM

Gee, too quick on the draw.

A hiker, lost for many days in the alps, finally staggers up to a lonely monastry one night and knocks on the door. A monk opens the door and the hiker says, can you let me in, I'm lost, wet and hungry. The monk replied that it was forbidden to permit strangers into the monastry but, as the hiker was so distressed, the monk relented. He told the stranger he would give him a spare habit to wear and as long as he followed the monk, and copied his actions, the head abbott should be none the wiser. The hiker was fed and put to bed. At 4.00am the monk woke him up and told him to put on the habit as they had to go to the first chanting session of the day, it was still dark. They went to a large hall where all the monks were assembled before the abbott. The abbott chanted "gooood mooorrrning". The monks replied in kind but the poor disoriented hiker replied "gooood eeeevening". The abbott immediately smelt a rat and chanted ;

SOMEONE CHANTED EEEVENING, YOU MUST BE A STRANGER......

JG / F.M.E.


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Subject: RE: Puns: Give us your worst/best
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 26 Apr 01 - 08:17 AM

German pun. If the answer is 9W, what is the qestion?

Do yo spell your name with a 'V' Herr Wagner?


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Subject: RE: Puns: Give us your worst/best
From: GUEST,John Gray / Australia
Date: 26 Apr 01 - 07:58 AM


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Subject: RE: Puns: Give us your worst/best
From: Tony in Sweden
Date: 26 Apr 01 - 07:29 AM

A deaf man and his mate enter a pub. The deaf man said to his mate "you find sit, me buy beer".
The deaf bloke asks the barman for two pints of Beer, "£10 please" said the barman,
"Sorry, what did you say?" asks the deaf man
"£10 please" repeats the barman,
"For 2 Beers, That's dear"
"It's because we've got live music tonight explained the barman,
"Sorry what?
"We've got LIVE MUSIC! shouts the barman,
"Ahh moozic" said the bloke "I bet I know what type, Wok and woll"
"WRONG" said the barman
"Wong?". "No wok and woll, den it muz be popmuzic"
"WRONG AGAIN" replies the barman
"Wong again? no wok an woll, no popmoozic, den it goda be boozemuzic!"
"FRAID NOT" said the barman "NONE OF THEM"
"wong again, no wok and woll, no popmoozic, no boozemoozic, but der is no udder moozik"
"WRONG" said the barman, "It's some Country & Western"
"Sorry, what?" said the deaf bloke
"SOME COUNTRY & WESTERN!" yells the barman
"OK dats fine" said the deaf bloke and takes the beers to the table.
"Ahh that's a good beer" said the 2nd man
"Sorry, what?" asks the deaf bloke
"That's a good beer"
"should be, £5 a pint!" replies the deaf man
"WHY SO DEAR?" inquires his mate
"Ahh" sighs the deaf, "There's live moozic, Mooooozic"
"Bet it's Rock and Roll" snapped his mate
"what?" asks the deaf man
"ROCK AND ROLL" shouts his mate
"WONG" laughs the deaf man
wrong? no Rock and Roll, then it's got to be popmusic
"what?" said the deaf man
"POP MUSIC" shouts his mate
"WONG" said the deaf man
Wrong again? no Rock and Roll, no Pop, then it's got to be Blues!
"What?" said the deaf man
"BLUES MUSIC" shouts his mate
"WONG, WONG, WONG" said the deaf, "NONE OF THEM"
What all wrong, no Rock and Roll, no Pop, no Blues, OK, WHAT ARE THEY PLAYING?
"DUNNO" said the 1st "the barman said it was...."



SOME CUNT FROM PRESTON!

mnh
Tony.


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Subject: RE: Puns: Give us your worst/best
From: Crazy Eddie
Date: 26 Apr 01 - 06:33 AM

SILLY RABBI, KICKS ARE FOR TREDS
Um, am I being really thick here? 'Cos I don't get it, I'm afraid.

I'm a bit stuck for time, so you'll have to construct your own stories for these. (Hint, If you like seafood, you'll have met most of the characters).
"I'm a prawn again, Christian"
"I know I just got back to heaven, but I must return to earth.....I left my harp in Sam Clam's Disco.
"Good morning, Mr. shark" said Ollie the Octopus, "Here's the sick squid* I owe you"

* sick squid = six quid. A quid is a pound (money)Sorry, this one doesn't work if you use Dollars. But maybe someone can re-work it with six bucks (stags?).


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Subject: RE: Puns: Give us your worst/best
From: GUEST,lynda
Date: 26 Apr 01 - 05:54 AM

A camping equipment retailer was having a spring sale. The notice in his window read Now is the discount of our winter's tent

An eskimo was feeling cold in his boat so he tried to light a fire to keep himself warm. The boat got all burned up which proves that you can't have your kayak and heat it


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Subject: RE: Puns: Give us your worst/best
From: Chip2447
Date: 26 Apr 01 - 04:23 AM

Once upon a time, many years ago an adventurous Rabbi traveled to the ancient European city of Tredel whose inhabitants are called Treds as matter of course. The Rabbi wanted to climb the local Mountain and visit the hermit that was said to live on the Mount. The Rabbi and his two hired local guides started out early the next morning. Just about lunch time they were startled to hear a great rumbling James Earl Jones voice shout. "WHO DARES CLIMB MY MOUNTAIN?" Which only barely preceded a scraggly old man rushing out from the shadows and planting a hobnail boot on the arse of the nearest local guide, sending him tumbling headlong down the mountain. Halfway to the summit, the strange incident repeated itself. "WHO DARES CLIMB MY MOUNTAIN?"...Punt...."AIIIIIEEEEE" Tumble tumble ouch crash bounce bounce splat. Our poor rabbi is in such a state, but he's determined to reach the summit and presses onward... Just few short steps from the top the strange voice echos again... "WHO DARES CLIMB MY MOUNTAIN?" The Rabbi drops to his knees and begs. "Please hermit of the mountain dont kick me off." To which the Hermit replied.... "SILLY RABBI, KICKS ARE FOR TREDS"


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Subject: RE: Puns: Give us your worst/best
From: Bert
Date: 26 Apr 01 - 01:33 AM

Nightwing wait for it...


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Subject: RE: Puns: Give us your worst/best
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 25 Apr 01 - 11:52 PM

I was an actor once. I had a small role in a play. I only had one line. It was, "Hark, fair maiden! I come to snatch a kiss, and fill your soul with hope!" But I got the line all screwed up ... (shakes his head solemnly) ... all screwed up ...


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Subject: RE: Puns: Give us your worst/best
From: Mike Byers
Date: 25 Apr 01 - 11:50 PM

Although few people today know about this today, back in the 17th century there was a group of violin makers in Belfast. But unlike most violins of the time, their's were made in a different manner as the carved scroll, instead of facing up, was facing down. Unfortunately, due to this feature and the acoustic properties of the wood they were using, their violins were unable to play the note "C". And as a consequence of this slight problem, the Belfast violin makers soon went out of business and were forgotten. These days, hardly anyone remembers that the Irish were responsible for the dead "C" scrolls.


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Subject: RE: Puns: Give us your worst/best
From: Bugsy
Date: 25 Apr 01 - 11:07 PM

The Famous Barnum, was looking for a new act for the circus. After searching for many years he finally met an old gentleman in a bar who offered him a Gnu for $500.00. This was the first Gnu that Barnum had ever seen and he was sure that it would be a great addition to his troupe. Barnum enquired of the gentleman as to how long the lifespan of a Gnu was and was informed that this one was 40 years old and that they only lived to an average age of 45, however the price was right so Barnum decided that he would easily recoupe his outlay within the first 6 months once he got the Gnu to perform (Jumping through hoop, Sitting up and begging, offering his front hoof to be shaken, rolling over and playing dead etc.).

The problem occured when he tried to get the Gnu to perform any of these tasks. "SIT!" Barnum would commnand. But the Gnu would just stand there with a vacant look in his eyes. "BEG!" he commanded. Still the Gnu just stood there. "ROLL OVER AND PLAY DEAD!" Shouted Barnum. Still no response from the animal.

Barnum never did get the Gnu to perform, and finally sent the animal back to the wilds to live out his days in peace.

The Moral of the Story??









"YOU CAN'T TEACH ON OLD GNU, DOG TRICKS!"

CHeers

Bugsy


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Subject: RE: Puns: Give us your worst/best
From: SINSULL
Date: 25 Apr 01 - 10:44 PM

Friends, Romans Countrymen, lend me your ears. I have come to seize her berry not to praise it. Sorry - I just can't do it again. See the "Rites of Spring" thread.


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Subject: RE: Puns: Give us your worst/best
From: kendall
Date: 25 Apr 01 - 09:15 PM

Leon Spinks had no front teeth.


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Subject: RE: Puns: Give us your worst/best
From: Blackcatter
Date: 25 Apr 01 - 09:07 PM

Years ago when I was learning about Paganism in a group setting, a bunch of us went out to dinner after one of the meetings. One of our leaders/instructors and I were the first ones at the restaurant and we needed to get a table for 15 or so people. It was fairly crowded and the instructor said to me, "Well, we're Witches maybe we can do a spell to make a bunch of chairs." Without missing a beat and without realizing I was going to say it until I was saying it, I replied, "I'm just a new Witch - all I can do is produce a little stool."

The instructor had a funny look on her face the rest of the night.

pax yall


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Subject: RE: Puns: Give us your worst/best
From: Art Thieme
Date: 25 Apr 01 - 08:41 PM

WHAT IS : Sis-boom-baaahh ?

Thw sound of an exploding sheep.


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Subject: RE: Puns: Give us your worst/best
From: GUEST,an is guy
Date: 25 Apr 01 - 08:37 PM

someone mentioned "Feghoots"...
i didn't think anyone remembered them

it has a simple format: it begins with "ferdinarnd feghoot, the great traveler in time and space" and ends with a HORRIBLE pun

thus

ferdinand feghoot the great traveler in time and space received a distress signal from a microscopic race that lived in some human's lower bowel.
when he arrived, he was informed that the entrance to the race's world (the human's sphincter)was in a state of constant irritation, and humans being (ahem) human, he was constantly scratching it.
causing immense disruption in commerce and destruction of transportation facilities.
ferdinand took a long look at the troublesome orifice, painted in the race's national colors (vermillion and cerise).
he immediately advised having it painted a plain gray.
amazingly enough, the problem ceased.
feghoot was quick to explain...

the source of your problem was obvious... gaudy anus, itchy door


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Subject: RE: Puns: Give us your worst/best
From: NightWing
Date: 25 Apr 01 - 07:55 PM

Somehow this one seems particularly appropriate in this setting:

A neighbor of mine once got a phone call from his cousin in Australia. The cousin thanked him for loaning some money and said that in payment he was sending my neighbor a rare Australian animal: a Rary. A few days later, the animal arrived and immediately began eating my neighbor out of house and home. My neighbor tried to take it to the zoo, but they knew about how much Raries eat and wouldn't take it. He took it to the dog pound to have it put to sleep, but they said they couldn't do that to endangered species. So he drove to the top of a cliff and prepared to push his car off the edge with the Rary in it. Before he could, however, a cop came up and asked what he was doing. My neighbor explained about the Rary and how much it ate and how the zoo wouldn't take it and how he had decided that the only thing to do was to kill it by tipping his car off the cliff. The police officer looked over the edge of the cliff and shrugged, "I dunno. It seems like ... [wait for it]

It's a long way to tip a Rary.

BB,
NightWing


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Subject: RE: Puns: Give us your worst/best
From: John Hardly
Date: 25 Apr 01 - 07:48 PM

30 days hath Septober,
April, June and no wonder,
All the rest have peanut butter,
Except for Pasedena, which hosts the rose bowl.


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Subject: RE: Puns: Give us your worst/best
From: catspaw49
Date: 25 Apr 01 - 07:39 PM

Oh.....We're doing tose too huh? Okay.............

WHY FIRE ENGINES ARE RED

Because 2=2 is 4
And 3x4 is 12
There are 12 inches in a foot
A foot is a ruler
Queens are rulers
The Queen Mary is a ship
Ships sail on the sea
There are fish in the sea
The fish have fins
The Finns fought the Russians
Fire Engines are always rushin'
And that's why Fire Engines are RED!

Spaw


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Subject: RE: Puns: Give us your worst/best
From: John Hardly
Date: 25 Apr 01 - 07:29 PM

Double Petunia

A petunia is a flower like a begonia,
A begonia is a meat like a sausage,
A sausage and battery's a crime,
Monkeys crime trees,
Tree's a crowd,
The rooster crowd in the morning and made a loud noise,
The noise in on the face like the eyes,
Eyes are opposite nays,
A horse nays, has a colt,
And wakes up in the morning with double petunia.


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Subject: RE: Puns: Give us your worst/best
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 25 Apr 01 - 07:20 PM

What is 'Fee fie foe fee fie foe fee'?

That's Leon Spinks' telephone number.

(If you don't know who Leon Spinks is, click the link.)


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Subject: RE: Puns: Give us your worst/best
From: Kernow John
Date: 25 Apr 01 - 07:08 PM

My lad got detention at school when asked what a simile was. His reply " ahappy dyslexic". KJ


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Subject: RE: Puns: Give us your worst/best
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 25 Apr 01 - 07:08 PM

I heard this a long time ago:

"What is 'Fee fie foe fee fie foe fee'?"

Answer will be given later.


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