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Puns: Give us your worst/best

Big Mick 25 Apr 01 - 07:17 AM
Crazy Eddie 25 Apr 01 - 07:30 AM
kendall 25 Apr 01 - 07:31 AM
catspaw49 25 Apr 01 - 07:38 AM
Les from Hull 25 Apr 01 - 07:41 AM
Dave the Gnome 25 Apr 01 - 07:50 AM
Frug 25 Apr 01 - 08:05 AM
Troll 25 Apr 01 - 08:08 AM
catspaw49 25 Apr 01 - 08:44 AM
Crazy Eddie 25 Apr 01 - 08:52 AM
GUEST,Dita (at Work) 25 Apr 01 - 08:54 AM
Dharmabum 25 Apr 01 - 09:08 AM
Crazy Eddie 25 Apr 01 - 09:08 AM
Pseudolus 25 Apr 01 - 09:09 AM
catspaw49 25 Apr 01 - 09:16 AM
Fibula Mattock 25 Apr 01 - 09:21 AM
Wolfgang 25 Apr 01 - 09:29 AM
John P 25 Apr 01 - 09:36 AM
Dunkle 25 Apr 01 - 09:45 AM
Frug 25 Apr 01 - 09:51 AM
GUEST,Roger the skiffler 25 Apr 01 - 09:53 AM
Pinetop Slim 25 Apr 01 - 10:01 AM
GUEST,Roger the skiffler 25 Apr 01 - 10:17 AM
Trapper 25 Apr 01 - 10:18 AM
Mary in Kentucky 25 Apr 01 - 10:21 AM
Wavestar 25 Apr 01 - 10:49 AM
catspaw49 25 Apr 01 - 11:02 AM
GUEST,Matt_R 25 Apr 01 - 11:05 AM
Midchuck 25 Apr 01 - 11:13 AM
catspaw49 25 Apr 01 - 11:22 AM
Dharmabum 25 Apr 01 - 11:37 AM
GUEST,Matt_R 25 Apr 01 - 11:43 AM
Dave the Gnome 25 Apr 01 - 11:50 AM
Bill D 25 Apr 01 - 11:58 AM
GUEST,an is guy 25 Apr 01 - 11:58 AM
Mike Byers 25 Apr 01 - 12:00 PM
kendall 25 Apr 01 - 12:07 PM
Bill D 25 Apr 01 - 12:12 PM
Grab 25 Apr 01 - 12:15 PM
Grab 25 Apr 01 - 12:16 PM
Fibula Mattock 25 Apr 01 - 12:21 PM
GUEST,Matt_R 25 Apr 01 - 12:22 PM
Long Firm Freddie 25 Apr 01 - 01:31 PM
Naemanson 25 Apr 01 - 02:00 PM
Trapper 25 Apr 01 - 02:46 PM
Trapper 25 Apr 01 - 02:48 PM
Trapper 25 Apr 01 - 02:55 PM
Trapper 25 Apr 01 - 02:56 PM
Trapper 25 Apr 01 - 02:58 PM
Chip2447 25 Apr 01 - 04:22 PM
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Subject: Puns: Give us your worst/best
From: Big Mick
Date: 25 Apr 01 - 07:17 AM

Click for the 'PermaThread™: List of all joke threads'


Let's have some fun. Mudcat wit is legendary, post your best (or worst, depending on point of view) pun/play on words here. I will start with this one.

PM

Once upon a time there was a guy called Stan Roberts.

Stan had done very well for himself. He had a great job that paid well enough for him to live in a fantastic six bedroom house and to cap it all he had a girlfriend called Lorraine Butt who was very beautiful and he liked her a lot.

One day when out for an evening with friends he met a another girl. Her name was Claire Lee and she was absolutely gorgeous. He became quite besotted with her and after a while it became obvious that she was interested in him too.

But this guy was a loyal man and he wouldn't do anything with Claire while he was still going out with Lorraine. He decided that there was nothing for it but to break up with her and get it on with the new girl. He planned several times to tell Lorraine but he couldn't bring himself to do it. He just didn't know what to do. Eventually he summons up the courage and takes her for a walk along the river bank. They are just starting out when Lorraine slipped and fell in to the river. He dived in after her but the current rapidly carried her off and she drowned despite his efforts to save her.

The guy got out stopped for a moment by the river and then ran off smiling and singing.......

READY?

....................."I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone"


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Subject: RE: Puns: Give us your worst/best
From: Crazy Eddie
Date: 25 Apr 01 - 07:30 AM

One particular butcher was so successful, he wound up owning large numbers of slaughter-houses, and had lots of money. To gave his two sons a good start in life he bought them a cattleranch. The boys couldn't agree on a name for the ranch, so the agreed to ask their father to name it. The father thought for a minute, then declared "It's obvious, there's only one name that fits. It must be called the Focus Ranch .
Why was this the obvious name?


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Subject: RE: Puns: Give us your worst/best
From: kendall
Date: 25 Apr 01 - 07:31 AM

A man was in a serious accident in Australia. He was taken to Mercy Hospital, and, had to undergo a long healing process. Every day the nurse would come to his room with a vile mixture which he had to drink. One day, he asked what that stuff was made with, and the nurse told him it was ground up Koala bear, made into a tea. He asked if they could at least strain the hair out of it, and she said, "Oh no sir, the koala tea of Mercy is not strained."


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Subject: RE: Puns: Give us your worst/best
From: catspaw49
Date: 25 Apr 01 - 07:38 AM

Those really suck guys!!! GREAT JOB!!!!! As for me, well..........Awhile back we were running a thread discussing the Tallahatchee Bridge and the story of Billie Joe and all of that. I posted this one and it suckered in a lot of folks. These are always better if you pull them off in context.......Anyway, here ya' go.

The story of Billie Joe is based in truth but stylized to some degree. It is an old story, dating back to the the late 40's when the only daughter of John Hatch, a Mississippi Klansman of some note, was in love with the first black attorney in the state. Jubilee Simmons was the grandson of slaves and had gone to school at the University of Chicago and returned to his family's home state, taking up residence in Carroll county in 1948.

John Hatch's daughter was known to be a bit wild and young Kelli had already incurred her father's wrath on numerous occasions. Kelli was living with two other 22 year old women in the small town of Campton, Mississippi when she met and began dating Simmons. Her father learned of it a few weeks later and came into town drunk with some Klan buddies to hunt down and kill Simmons. Simmons law offices were in the county courthouse and from an open window he could hear the drunken invectives hurled his way from across the square. He slipped out a back door of the courthouse and went to Kelli's house to take her away and save them both from the murderous rancor of her father and his "brethren."

Not finding Jubilee in his office the Klansmen split up to search for him and John Hatch went to his daughter's, presumably to beat her or possibly worse. He arrived before the pair had left and headed in the back porch door adjoining the kitchen. Seeing him coming, Simmons grabbed a kitchen knife and jumped atop the counter and then onto the top of the refrigerator that stood by the door. As John Hatch passed, he didn't notice Simmons who then jumped him safely from behind and in the ensuing struggle, Hatch was stabbed with the knife. The lovers bagged his body and threw it off a bridge on their way out of town. They were on their way to Chicago when they were arrested in Clarksville, Tennessee and returned for trial in Mississippi. Jubilee represented both and thanks to the testimony of one of the roommates and Mrs. Hatch who had suffered abuse for years at the hands of her husband, both were acquitted and moved to Chicago where he established a moderately successful practice on the south side.

The original song told the story as it was, but owing to legal considerations, the Gentry version was done instead. The original was titled, "The Day that Jubilee the Barrister Jumped Off of Kelli Hatch's Fridge."

Spaw


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Subject: RE: Puns: Give us your worst/best
From: Les from Hull
Date: 25 Apr 01 - 07:41 AM

An Inuit, fed up of hunting seals in the long cold winter bought a paraffin (kerosene) stove. Unfortunately a big wave upset it and he was very badly burned. Ah well, you can't have your kayak and heat it.


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Subject: RE: Puns: Give us your worst/best
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 25 Apr 01 - 07:50 AM

This was told by my woodwork teacher in 1968 so bear in mind some of the terms may not be politicaly correct. Please be aware that no offense is intended!

An American Indian Chief had 3 wives. The first he held in high regard and so he sat her on a hide made of Buffalo. The second he also held in high esteem and sat her on the skin of a mountain lion. The third, and youngest, he loved dearly and had a hippopotomus hide specialy imported for her.

The years passed and his three wives bore him a fine son each. The two elder wives however became bitter and jelous of the younger. When their boys were old enough they told them to go and murder the child of the youngest.

One dark night they crept from their tents to commit the foul deed but the son of the youngest wife woke and fought of his two half brothers bravely and so survived. Just proving that...

The son of the squaw on the hippopotomus is equal to the sons of the squaws on the other two hides.

Cheers

Dave the Gnome


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Subject: RE: Puns: Give us your worst/best
From: Frug
Date: 25 Apr 01 - 08:05 AM

Mahatma Ghandi spent years wandering round in no shoes and as a result ended up with feet in poor condition. His frugal vegetarian diet meant that he was very lean of frame and gave him bad breath but nothing could detract from his razor sharp mind and powerful presence. He could easily be described as the SUPER CALLOUSED FRAGILE MYSTIC PLAGUED WITH HALITOSIS


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Subject: RE: Puns: Give us your worst/best
From: Troll
Date: 25 Apr 01 - 08:08 AM

Benny was married to a witch and he was one of those people who could never seem to complete a project. One day he came down to breakfast and it was apparent that he had not shaved.
"What's this?"< said his wife.
"I'm growing abeard", said Benny.
"Right!" said his wife, I'm tired of you starting things that you never finish. You grow that beard out, full and luxriant, or I'll turn you into a vase to put flowers in."
"Yes , dear." said Benny.
After about a week, the beard looked horrible and it itched and one morning Benny came down to breakfast calen-shaven.
"I warned you!" cried his wife, and ZZZZZAP!, she turned him into a vase of roses.
The moral of the story is (drum roll please),

A benny shaved is a Benny urned.

troll


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Subject: RE: Puns: Give us your worst/best
From: catspaw49
Date: 25 Apr 01 - 08:44 AM

Technically, these are shaggy dogs, but what the hell..........

Roy Rogers, King of the Cowboys, also became an avid golfer, but his friends objected to him playing in cowboy boots. Roy also felt that some real spikes would help stabilize his swing and as he was a pretty fair long ball hitter, he went out and bought a new pair of Etonics which he took home and began "working over." Roy new a lot about leather of course and was treating the new shoes the same as he would Trigger's tack. When he was finished he put them out on the back porch for the night.

In the morning, Roy found the back porch completely trashed and his new golfing footwear in shreds as though they had been chewed by some animal. He and Dale knew immediately that this was the work of a rogue mountain lion that had been causing trouble for several weeks around the Double R Bar Ranch. A group of his friends gathered and after viewing the damage, set out to trap the cougar and move it to higher country.

Several hours into the search they had met with limited results. Suddenly they heard a low grumbling, growling sound. The search party stopped in their tracks and Roy told them to be very still and not say a word. One of the men saw movement and then the form of the mountain lion emerge just across the ravine from where they stood. He reached over and tapped Roy on the shoulder trying to be as quiet as possible, but Roy didn't turn around. Three attempts later, Roy finally turned looking aggravated that someone should disturb their silence. The fella slowly pointed in the direction of the cougar and then asked, "Pardon me Roy, is that the cat who chewed your new shoes?"

I have never been able to think of Chattanooga without thinking of this one. Even worse, when I first heard it, I was LIVING in Chattanooga.

Spaw


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Subject: RE: Puns: Give us your worst/best
From: Crazy Eddie
Date: 25 Apr 01 - 08:52 AM

In case you haven't figured it out:
One particular butcher was so successful, he wound up owning large numbers of slaughter-houses, and had lots of money.
To gave his two sons a good start in life he bought them a cattle ranch. The boys couldn't agree on a name for the ranch, so they agreed to ask their father to name it.
The father thought for a minute, then declared "It's obvious, there's only one name that fits. It must be called the Focus Ranch" .
Why ? Because it's where the Sun's rays meet. ( where the sons raise meat)


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Subject: RE: Puns: Give us your worst/best
From: GUEST,Dita (at Work)
Date: 25 Apr 01 - 08:54 AM

Frug you might like this one, a true story.

last season when Caledonian Thistle, a Scottish football team from a lower division, beat Glasgow Celtic yhe headline in one paper read

SUPER CALLY GO BALISTIC, CELTIC ARE ATROCHOUS


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Subject: RE: Puns: Give us your worst/best
From: Dharmabum
Date: 25 Apr 01 - 09:08 AM

A businessman was in Japan to make a presentation to the Toyota motor people. Needles to say,this was an especially important deal,& it was imperitive that he make the best possible impression.
On the morning of the presentation he awoke to find himself passing gas,in large volumes,with the unpleasant characteristic of sounding like "Honda."
The man was beside himself. Every few minutes,"Honda," "Honda"......
Unable to stop this aberrant behavior,& in desperate need to terminate these odious & rather embarrassing emissions,he sought a physicians aid.
After a full examination,the doctor told him there was nothing inherently wrong with him & that he would just have to wait it out.
Being unwilling to accept this state of affairs,he visited a second & then a third doctor,all of whom told him the same thing.
Finally,one medic suggested that he visit a dentist.
Well,although he could not see how a dentist was going to be of any help,he visited one anyway.
Lo and behold,the dentist said,"Ah,there's the problem."
"What is it?" the man asked.
"Why you have an abscess"said the dentist.
"An abscess.How could that be causing my problem?"asked the man.
"That's easy,"replied the dentist."Why everyone knows,"......................

"ABSCESS MAKES THE FART GO HONDA."

DB.


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Subject: RE: Puns: Give us your worst/best
From: Crazy Eddie
Date: 25 Apr 01 - 09:08 AM

Way back in the Middle ages, on the eve of a great battle, the blues managed to capture a senior office of the reds, one Count de Monay.
He was brought in front of the red's Commander, who said "either you tell us all of the blues plans, or we torture you orribly orribly!"
"You'd never do it" quoth the count. "I am of noble blood, and protected from such nefarious peactices by the code of chivalry"
"Good point" said the Red commander. "However, there is nothing to prevent us from chopping of your head if you don't tell us!"
"I will never betray my comrades" declared the Count heroically.
They put his head on the block, and the axe-man took up position, axe upraised.
"Last chance" said the red's commander.
"OK! I'll tell yo...." "WHOOSH" the axe descended before he could finish.
Furious, the red's commander screamed at the axe-man: "You idiot, how many time do I have to tell you ................................................................................................................

Never hatchet you Count's before they chicken"


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Subject: RE: Puns: Give us your worst/best
From: Pseudolus
Date: 25 Apr 01 - 09:09 AM

Two guys are walking down the street and one of the two is a great lover of puns and the other HATED them. The pun-lover claimed he could make his friend laugh at a pun and he started telling some. He told 1,2,3 puns no laugh. He told three more and still nothing. Finally he ended up telling his friend tens puns to make him laugh but he was very disappointed because ,"No pun in ten did".

Frank


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Subject: RE: Puns: Give us your worst/best
From: catspaw49
Date: 25 Apr 01 - 09:16 AM

Frank, you have just told one of Mr.Thieme's favorites.

Spaw


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Subject: RE: Puns: Give us your worst/best
From: Fibula Mattock
Date: 25 Apr 01 - 09:21 AM

A Freudian Slip - when you say one thing and mean a mother.


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Subject: RE: Puns: Give us your worst/best
From: Wolfgang
Date: 25 Apr 01 - 09:29 AM

Once Sigmund Freud was listening to a lecture by a nervous young colleague who did not forget to praise the old master during his lecture. After the lecture, Freud went to the young colleague and said: "Many fine and true things have you said about me. But you know when you made me smile? When I've heard you mispronounce my name as 'Sigmund Fraud'. I've been greatly abused by it."

Wolfgang


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Subject: RE: Puns: Give us your worst/best
From: John P
Date: 25 Apr 01 - 09:36 AM

A true story:
My wife used to be a newspaper reporter/editor. She once ran a story about a man with no arms who became drunk and violent in a tavern. When the police arrived, he attacked them, flailing at them with stumps of his arms. They were confused about how to subdue him; the handcuffs clearly wouldn't work. She wrote a great headline for the story: Police Are Stumped

JP


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Subject: RE: Puns: Give us your worst/best
From: Dunkle
Date: 25 Apr 01 - 09:45 AM

About the young man chosen to chief of his African tribe; had to live in a grass hut, too small for bed and his throne at the same time. Devised a system of pulleys, so during the day the throne was down, bed up at the roof, vice versa at night. Big storm one night, throne comes crashing down on his head...tragic ending. There's an important lesson to be learned here! People who live in grass houses, of course, shouldn't stow thrones!


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Subject: RE: Puns: Give us your worst/best
From: Frug
Date: 25 Apr 01 - 09:51 AM

Guy decides he wants to get rid of his wife and so advertises in an appropriate journal for a mercenary to do the job. Was he surprised when the man who accepts the job is none other than his old school buddy Arthur whom he hasn't seen for many years. Hearing of the job Art. says that as he's an old pal he'll do the job for a pound and is duly given a picture of the unfortunate lady and also told that on wednesdays she always shops at safeways and she always wears a vivid red coat and scarf. Art hides behind the frozen food on the appointed day and sees a flash of vibrant red and leaping out strangles the woman only to find that it's not the same woman as in the photo. He hides the body in one of the freezer cabinets and prowls the store. Again he sees a woman in red and strangles her too but again he's got it wrong. Hiding this body as well he walks around and there coming towards him dressed in vivid red is the lady in the photo. This time no mistake he strangles her and is in the process of hiding the body when he is spotted, arrested and sent for trial. The day after the trial the newpapers carried the story

ARTY CHOKES THREE FOR A POUND AT SAFEWAY


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Subject: RE: Puns: Give us your worst/best
From: GUEST,Roger the skiffler
Date: 25 Apr 01 - 09:53 AM

scribble, scribble, keep 'em coming....!
RtS


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Subject: RE: Puns: Give us your worst/best
From: Pinetop Slim
Date: 25 Apr 01 - 10:01 AM

We recently adopted a dog that has extra toes, positioned about where a human's ankles would be.
"You should name her Kodak," my daughter recommended.
Why?
"Because she has faux toes."


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Subject: RE: Puns: Give us your worst/best
From: GUEST,Roger the skiffler
Date: 25 Apr 01 - 10:17 AM

OK, I weakened...this is the oldest known example of the genre, told by a bard at the court of King Arthur ( or was it King Nevil the Ne'erdowell?).
No time to post it all but you'll get the drift from the punchline:"What?" said Sir Lancelot, indignantly refusing to ride the magy wolfhound, "Send a knight out on a dog like that?
RtS


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Subject: RE: Puns: Give us your worst/best
From: Trapper
Date: 25 Apr 01 - 10:18 AM

In deepest Siberia, Natasha Grodnick and her husband Rudolph were sitting in their kitchen when Natasha looked out the window and remarked, "It's starting to snow."

Her husband looked out the window and told her, "That's not snow, it's rain!"

She replied, "I hate to argue with you, husband, but it's most definitely snow."

To which he said, "Rudolph the Red knows RAIN, dear!"

- Al


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Subject: RE: Puns: Give us your worst/best
From: Mary in Kentucky
Date: 25 Apr 01 - 10:21 AM

Thanks Crazy Eddie for explaining that one...now if somebody can just explain Kendall's... "quality" "strained" ??????

Spaw, same here about the Chattanooga one. And I'm one of the ones who bit hard on your Tallahatchie one the first time around!

Here's mine...

A famous pitcher, Mel Famey, had a bit of a drinking problem. He acually had a beer can in his back pocket when he was on the mound. In an important game he walked the first batter, then the second, then the third. With the bases loaded, the runner on second turned to the second baseman and said, while pointing, "That's the beer that made Mel Famey walk us."


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Subject: RE: Puns: Give us your worst/best
From: Wavestar
Date: 25 Apr 01 - 10:49 AM

I know it ruins the joke, but, Spaw, I don't understand your first one. I'm being young, naive and dumb, but could you explain?

-J


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Subject: RE: Puns: Give us your worst/best
From: catspaw49
Date: 25 Apr 01 - 11:02 AM

Mary, we must have the same sourcs....I was just about to post that one!!

As we all know, Art Thieme is the Chief Pundit around here and I have always enjoyed Art's ability to stick them into a thread or thread them in as the case may be. In my first few months around here I tried to keep up with him, but it's frankly impossible when he gets on a roll. Of course butter is better on a roll and we're talking about Art and not Frank, but ..............

One day we were talking about canaries and trains (don't ask....it started out as something else but Art got us on to canaries) and somehow Art managed to work in the following post and even change to pigeons in the process:
**********************************************************

Subject: RE: Wreck of the Old 97
From: Art Thieme
Date: 29-Dec-98 - 10:57 AM

Catspaw, (as opposed to Cat's Maw---I used to think a pap test was to figure out who the father was)

As I mentioned here once somewhere else, on the Misssissippi River, barges ("We don't need no stinkin' barges!!") were often filled with live pigeons. When the tow (term for several barges pushed by a towboat) went aground, a guy would crack his bullwhip & get the birds to flyin'--- that lightened the load enough to get 'em floatin' on their way. These were famous from Lake Itasca in Minnesota all the way to the dead zone below New Orleans as PIGEON TOWS.Sometimes hammers were transported that way too---hammer tows. Even tic-tac candy...

My 500 pound uncle once dropped a safe he was moving & broke his foot. We had to call a toe truck to get him to the hospital!

Art
**********************************************************

I tried some lame one about transporting free corn chips (Fritos), but it's really kinda' hopeless when Art gets going.

***ALL MY BEST TO THE KING OF THE PUNDITS----ART THIEME***

With Admiration,

Spaw


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Subject: RE: Puns: Give us your worst/best
From: GUEST,Matt_R
Date: 25 Apr 01 - 11:05 AM

Jess...ever hear "Ode to Billy Joe"?


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Subject: RE: Puns: Give us your worst/best
From: Midchuck
Date: 25 Apr 01 - 11:13 AM

I'm not sure but what I've told this on here before, but my son came up with it spontaneously as we were driving in Utah once, and I was filled with paternal pride, so...

As you all know, the LDS church requires all its young men to do a term of missionary work before they marry and settle down. We've all seen these clean-cut young guys in suits wandering around in pairs or trios.

But recently, the church as been experimenting with letting some men stay at home and due their missionary duties over the internet. They stay up late at night and send out multiple messages and newsgroup posts attempting to convert people to Mormonism.

This is known within the Church as a nocturnal e-mission.

Peter.


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Subject: RE: Puns: Give us your worst/best
From: catspaw49
Date: 25 Apr 01 - 11:22 AM

Hi Wave..........Sorry, as Matt said, it's based on "Ode to Billie Joe" a song by Bobbie Gentry about 1967, the main theme line being, "The day that Billie Joe McCalister jumped off the Tallahatchie bridge." It was a sort of mystery as to what Billie Joe and some mystery person threw off the bridge prior to Billie Joe's leap.

Spaw


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Subject: RE: Puns: Give us your worst/best
From: Dharmabum
Date: 25 Apr 01 - 11:37 AM

Had a dog once that had no legs>
Named him "cigarette"
Used to have to take him out once a day for a "drag".


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Subject: RE: Puns: Give us your worst/best
From: GUEST,Matt_R
Date: 25 Apr 01 - 11:43 AM

Dutch pyromaniacs are ofter referred to as a "Flaming Jan".


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Subject: RE: Puns: Give us your worst/best
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 25 Apr 01 - 11:50 AM

We called our dog Grieg. All he could do were pee agin't suite.... (Must be said in a Lancashire accent:)

DtG


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Subject: RE: Puns: Give us your worst/best
From: Bill D
Date: 25 Apr 01 - 11:58 AM

well, technically most of these are a marriage between puns and shaggy dog stories made famous by Grendel Briarton in a sci-fi magazine years ago, featuring the time-traveling space dective Ferdinand Feghoot.

(yes, there were earlier ones...notably the African King series...("People who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones"....etc...)

here is a Feghoot:

It was because of Ferdinand Feghoot that the great composer Richard Wagner found himself under arrest on the planet Madama Butterfry in the year 5735. Feghoot had told him of the planet whose inhabitants claimed that every opera theme had been stolen from them. "Vhat!" cried Wagner. "Only Teutonic ideas are good for grand opera! Vhere is this planet? Come, ve take your space-time machine. I vill show you!"

Upon their arrival, they went through customs, where they were ordered to declare any arias, operas, etc. Wagner sneeringly gave them a list. Immediately he was arrested and charged with grand theft. "This is an outrage! Vhat themes could I possibly have stolen from you?" demanded Wagner, and the officer offered to give them a tour.

First, they came upon a vendor camped beneath a tree. His sign announced, "Root Bottom Stanley! Best deals in the galaxy! Absolutely no being in the universe undersells me! Garfinkels, $2 each." Nearby was a modest stand manned by a mole-like person. His sign said simply, "Garfinkels, 6 for a dollar."

"Vhat does this have to do with me?" said Wagner. Ferdinand Feghoot replied, "Tree Stan Undersold."

Next, they moved on to a storage shed filled with jars of fruits, preserves, and so on. A thin rubbery organism grasped the opening of one jar, crying out in a thin plaintive voice, "Please, can't I have some jam? Please, just a taste? Oh, how I long for it!"

"Doubtless," said Feghoot before anyone could speak, "This is the Nibble-Longing Lid."

Finally, the travelers were taken to a dock where a frog-like creature sat trapping shellfish. His topknot glowed fitfully, barely visible in the evening twilight. Mournfully, he kept to his task.

Wagner flew into a rage. "Vhat rubbish! Vhat could this possibly have to do with me!"

"Dim Oyster Sinker," said Ferdinand Feghoot.


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Subject: RE: Puns: Give us your worst/best
From: GUEST,an is guy
Date: 25 Apr 01 - 11:58 AM

a few years back, the book Clan of the Cave Bear was very popular
what people don't realize is that there is an historical basis for this book

long long ago in the kingdom of wu, there was a demibear who was the godling of this kingdom
any who wished to serve as a knight in this place was sent to the bear for his testing

the knight was to face the bear, unflinching as the bear struck a single blow
the blow was of such cunningness that any movement on the part of the knight proved fatal

of course many tried, and most failed the test, the bear being of horrible mien

there was a consolation prize...
to the family of the failed knight, the bear sent one of his prize pekinese the day after the test...

which goes to show...
on the day after a horrible knight, nothing's better than the dog of the bear that hit him


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Subject: RE: Puns: Give us your worst/best
From: Mike Byers
Date: 25 Apr 01 - 12:00 PM

A fellow bought a grand old house in Savannah, Georgia and decided to restore it to what it had been in the 1800s. He contacted the local historical society to insure that whatever work was done would be correct for the historical period and, during their survery, one of the historians pointed out that the lane behind the house was a true rarity. "You see," the historian said, "Savannah is built on swampy ground and in the 1800s the only way they could stabilize the soil was to get a crew to beat it with sledge hammers until it was as hard as concrete. You've got a real piece of history here, so make sure this isn't damaged." The man, excited about this find, called his builder over to take a look and told him about the historian's discovery. "I'm afraid they're entirely wrong," said the builder. All they really did back then was just mix some nut shells with the dirt. It's no big deal; you can find these all over Savannah." "Good grief," the man said, "you mean my hammered alley is really cashew's clay?"


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Subject: RE: Puns: Give us your worst/best
From: kendall
Date: 25 Apr 01 - 12:07 PM

Mary, it is from Shakespere.."The quality of mercy is not strained, it falleth like the gentle rain from heaven".. I dont remember the rest of it.


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Subject: RE: Puns: Give us your worst/best
From: Bill D
Date: 25 Apr 01 - 12:12 PM

side note...the 'early' shaggy dog stories were notable in that the punch line had no serious point, and simply were designed to make the audience groan that they had listened, whereas one with a pun/word play at least makes you giggle or groan AT the atrocious pun. I'm not sure that there is a standard 'name' for these medium length stories with punny endings, but in sci-fi circles it is "Feghoots".


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Subject: RE: Puns: Give us your worst/best
From: Grab
Date: 25 Apr 01 - 12:15 PM

A man takes his dog to the vet, because the dog has been feeling poorly of late. In the surgery the vet examines the dog, taking temperature, feeling the dogs abdomen and smelling his breath. The vet steps back and shakes his head ruefully.

"I'm sorry" he says "Your dog has kidney failure. He has two days left to live."

The man is appalled at this terrible diagnosis, and demands a second opinion. "Well, okay" says the vet, and picks up the phone. He mutters into the receiver for a few seconds and then puts the phone down. A minute later a cat comes into the surgery.

The cat looks the dog over for a short while, and then turns the vet and says "Kidney failure?"

"That's what I thought" says the vet.

"Yep. I'd say he has two days, maybe three." and the cat walks out.

The man reacts angrily to this. "What the hell was that? I'm not taking a cat's opinion. Get someone else."

The vet replies "Okay" and picks up the telephone again. After a short conversation, and a little wait, a Labrador walks into the surgery. The Labrador examines the other dog briefly and then announces "Kidney failure, by the look of it. Not much more than two days left in the old boy."

"I concur" says the vet and the Labrador leaves the room.

The man has had enough and decides to leave "Right. I'm leaving."

"That will be 450 dollars" says the vet.

"What! That's a fortune! What the hell do you think you're playing at!"

"Well if it had just been me" says the vet "it wouldn't be that much, but after the cat scan and the lab report..."

Graham.


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Subject: RE: Puns: Give us your worst/best
From: Grab
Date: 25 Apr 01 - 12:16 PM

A German guy approaches a prostitute, "I vish to buy sex vit you".

"OK", says the girl, "I charge 50 an hour".

"Ist goot, but I must varn you, I am a little kinky".

"No problem" she replies, cautiously, "I can do a "little kinky".

So off they go to the girl's flat, where the German produces four large bedsprings and a duck call.

"I vant you to tie ze springs to each of your limbs".

The girl finds this most odd, but complies, fastening the springs to her elbows and knees.

"Now you vill get on your hans und knees".

She duly does this, balancing on the springs.

"You vill please blow zis vistle as I make love to you".

She finds this odd, but figures it's harmless, and the guy is paying.

The sex is fantastic. She is bounced all over the room by the energetic German, all the time honking on the duck call. The climax is the most sensational that she has ever experienced, and it is several minutes before she has recovered the breath to say:

"That was totally amazing, where did you learn how to do that?"

"Ah" says the German "Four-sprung duck technique".

Graham.


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Subject: RE: Puns: Give us your worst/best
From: Fibula Mattock
Date: 25 Apr 01 - 12:21 PM

What about when Lief Ericsson, the Viking who sailed to America, came home after his travels? He went to vote in a general election, but found that they didn't have any record of him. He complained to the government official, telling him that he was a famous explorer and just because he was off travelling didn't mean he no longer existed. "Sorry," said the official. "I must have taken Lief off my census".


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Subject: RE: Puns: Give us your worst/best
From: GUEST,Matt_R
Date: 25 Apr 01 - 12:22 PM

There was a world-class Chess championship being held at a hotel in Chicago. On the night before the competition started, the hotel lobby held a reception for the players, spectators, and chess enthusiasts from the area. Well, being such a world-class event, many many people showed up for the reception (and the delicious buffet!)

The only people who weren't pleased were the bellhops, baggage handlers, busboys and waiters. A few of them were standing talking behind the front desk, generally complaining about the whole event. In walked a rather exhausted-looking waiter from the lobby.

"Man," he said "Nothing is more annoying than a bunch of chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."


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Subject: RE: Puns: Give us your worst/best
From: Long Firm Freddie
Date: 25 Apr 01 - 01:31 PM

The Laird of the Manor was presiding over the annual fish eating competition. His son, Fyfe, was last year's champion, but the villagers had high hopes that the blacksmith's son, Steven, would gain the day.

As was traditional, a draw was made the week before to see what sort of fish would be eaten. Fyfe had hoped that it would be trout, as that was the chosen fish the previous year when he had won. However, it was not to be, as the Laird drew a piece of paper from his tweed hat and read it out: Tench.

And so the day of the contest arrived. The two men sat down at opposite ends of a long trestle table, tubs of tench in front of them, the crowd held back by the Laird's gamekeeper and his men.

They began to eat; Fyfe raced away, leading by half a fish after only a few minutes. By the time he had reached his eighth, Steven was one behind.

Suddenly, disaster struck! Fyfe was in agony as he bit down on his next fish. His molar came out, and he could eat no more.

Steven, in the few minutes left, overhauled him and won the competition, to the great acclaim of the villagers.

And the headline in the local paper was:

"ONE TOOTH FREE FOR FYFE, STEVEN ATE NINE TENCH"

LFF


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Subject: RE: Puns: Give us your worst/best
From: Naemanson
Date: 25 Apr 01 - 02:00 PM

These are great!

Loss of emotional control and violent oubursts are well documented among postal workers. There is even a phrase, "Going Postal", that describes this phenomenon.

It is a little known fact that there is a similar phenomenon that has been documented among the fishermen here on the coast of Maine. In the summer, when the plastic powerboats and sailboats are cluttering up the bays and harbors the poor fisherman is hard pressed to keep his gear intact. For some it is too much and the become violent, they go coastal.


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Subject: RE: Puns: Give us your worst/best
From: Trapper
Date: 25 Apr 01 - 02:46 PM

A renouned piano tuner named Oskar Oppernockity was employed by Carnegie Hall to tune their pianos in preparation for Vladimir Horowitz' last concert there. Several months later, Billy Joel was coming to Carnegie hall, and they tried to get Oskar again, but he declined.

He told them, "Oppernockity only tunes once...."

- Al


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Subject: RE: Puns: Give us your worst/best
From: Trapper
Date: 25 Apr 01 - 02:48 PM

Two hyenas were flying to New York from Africa, each had 2 dead gazelles for luggage. The gate agent wouldn't let them board.

She told them, "I'm sorry, only one carrion per passenger...."

- Al


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Subject: RE: Puns: Give us your worst/best
From: Trapper
Date: 25 Apr 01 - 02:55 PM

A monastery of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not.

He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop.

Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that -

Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars....

- Al


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Subject: RE: Puns: Give us your worst/best
From: Trapper
Date: 25 Apr 01 - 02:56 PM

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a rootcanal?

He wanted to transcend dental medication....

- Al


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Subject: RE: Puns: Give us your worst/best
From: Trapper
Date: 25 Apr 01 - 02:58 PM

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan."

Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds,

"They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

- Al


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Subject: RE: Puns: Give us your worst/best
From: Chip2447
Date: 25 Apr 01 - 04:22 PM

I always wanted to be an archeologist, until I discovered that career lay in ruins.

Then I wanted to be a doctor, but I found that I didn't have the patients.

Finally I thought about being a farmer, so I could be outstanding in my field.

So, heres to sitting on a birthday cake...just don't burn your end on both candles.


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