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St. Patrick's Week Jokes

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PATRICK WAS A GENTLEMAN


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UB Ed 13 Mar 01 - 12:11 PM
GUEST,Fibula Mattock 13 Mar 01 - 12:19 PM
Mr Red 13 Mar 01 - 12:34 PM
GUEST,AggieBethie 13 Mar 01 - 12:40 PM
Mrrzy 13 Mar 01 - 12:45 PM
GUEST 13 Mar 01 - 01:24 PM
Bert 13 Mar 01 - 01:38 PM
Mr Red 13 Mar 01 - 01:47 PM
Pseudolus 13 Mar 01 - 01:58 PM
Fiolar 13 Mar 01 - 02:13 PM
Banjer 13 Mar 01 - 08:22 PM
CRANKY YANKEE 13 Mar 01 - 11:04 PM
English Jon 14 Mar 01 - 03:46 AM
Fiolar 14 Mar 01 - 09:18 AM
Snuffy 14 Mar 01 - 09:32 AM
alison 14 Mar 01 - 10:00 AM
GUEST 14 Mar 01 - 10:11 AM
UB Ed 14 Mar 01 - 11:05 AM
aussiebloke 14 Mar 01 - 12:10 PM
Bat Goddess 14 Mar 01 - 12:20 PM
Pseudolus 14 Mar 01 - 12:22 PM
cait 14 Mar 01 - 04:32 PM
Mr Red 14 Mar 01 - 04:35 PM
Murray MacLeod 14 Mar 01 - 05:14 PM
Don Firth 14 Mar 01 - 09:16 PM
Fiolar 15 Mar 01 - 09:05 AM
Michael in Swansea 15 Mar 01 - 09:35 AM
late 'n short 2 15 Mar 01 - 10:43 AM
UB Ed 15 Mar 01 - 02:50 PM
Wesley S 15 Mar 01 - 02:59 PM
GUEST 15 Mar 01 - 06:28 PM
Mrrzy 16 Mar 01 - 12:38 PM
BobP 16 Mar 01 - 01:00 PM
Frogmore 16 Mar 01 - 01:13 PM
Frogmore 16 Mar 01 - 01:35 PM
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BobP 16 Mar 01 - 02:51 PM
dwditty 16 Mar 01 - 03:40 PM
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Subject: St. Patrick's Week Jokes
From: UB Ed
Date: 13 Mar 01 - 12:11 PM

Click for the 'PermaThread™: List of all joke threads'


The CIA loses track of one of its operatives, and so calls in one of their top spy hunters.

The CIA boss says, "All I can tell you is that his name is Murphy and that he's somewhere in Ireland. If you think you've located him, tell him the code words, 'The weather forecast calls for mist in the morning.' If it's really him, he'll answer, 'Yes, and for mist at noon as well.'"

So the spy hunter goes to Ireland and stops in a bar in one of the small towns. He says to the bartender, "Maybe you can help me. I'm looking for a guy named Murphy."

The bartender replies, "You're going to have to be more specific because, around here, there are lots of guys named Murphy. There's Murphy the Baker, who runs the pastry shop on the next block. There's Murphy the Banker, who's president of our local savings bank. There's Murphy the Blacksmith, who works at the stables. And, as a matter of fact, my name is Murphy, too."

Hearing this, the spy hunter figures he might as well try the code words on the bartender, so he says, "The weather forecast calls for mist in the morning."

The bartender replies, "Oh, you're looking for Murphy the Spy. He lives right down the street."

Next?


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Subject: RE: St. Patrick's Week Jokes
From: GUEST,Fibula Mattock
Date: 13 Mar 01 - 12:19 PM

But... but.. that doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick (she says in bewilderment)!



There's some here (if my blue clicky works)


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Subject: RE: St. Patrick's Week Jokes
From: Mr Red
Date: 13 Mar 01 - 12:34 PM

An Irish girlfriend once tried to tell me I was burning the candle at both ends.

Says she "Sure, you'll be too tired to go, by the time you get there"

When I smiled she said "so, you know what I mean". Sure I did but - its the way she tells them.


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Subject: RE: St. Patrick's Week Jokes
From: GUEST,AggieBethie
Date: 13 Mar 01 - 12:40 PM

Why do Scotsmen wear kilts?...

Because sheep can hear a zipper a mile away.

hahahha... sorry, i just had to


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Subject: RE: St. Patrick's Week Jokes
From: Mrrzy
Date: 13 Mar 01 - 12:45 PM

(I tried to post this earlier, it wouldn't let me)
Can we just do punch lines?

Careful at the gate, boys! Careful at the gate!


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Subject: RE: St. Patrick's Week Jokes
From: GUEST
Date: 13 Mar 01 - 01:24 PM

The year after St. Patrick left Ireland his converts decided to have a big get together. One had been killed in a fracas with druids, and a 2nd was being taught by them how to get back to a sane religion. The one that made it got the whole barrel of Usquebah to himself, so died of heavenly delirium tremens, and has been worshiped ever since.


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Subject: RE: St. Patrick's Week Jokes
From: Bert
Date: 13 Mar 01 - 01:38 PM

That's great Mrrzy - if you know the joke.


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Subject: RE: St. Patrick's Week Jokes
From: Mr Red
Date: 13 Mar 01 - 01:47 PM

34

er....... I think it's the way I'm telling them!


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Subject: RE: St. Patrick's Week Jokes
From: Pseudolus
Date: 13 Mar 01 - 01:58 PM

Sean O'Malley comes home from a job interview and is looking a bit perplexed. He explains how the interview went well but he needs to have a physical and bring back a specimen to the nurse. "What's a specimen?", he asks his wife. "I don't know, ask Mrs. O'Brien, she's a nurse". Sean says, "Oh no, she hates me, YOU go ask her." Mrs. O'malley's gone for quite a long time and when she appears in the doorway, her dress is torn and tattered, her face bruised, and her hair a total mess. O'Malley says, "In the name of St. Patrick what happened to ya?". Mrs. O'Malley says "Well, I says to Mrs. O'Brien, Mrs. O'Brien, what's a specimen? And she says, Piss in a jar, and I says well Shit in your hat and the fight was on!!!"

Frank


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Subject: RE: St. Patrick's Week Jokes
From: Fiolar
Date: 13 Mar 01 - 02:13 PM

Apparently the reason St Patrick never got to Kerry was because the people of Cork stole his donkey. Mind you being a Corkman, I never believed that old yarn unlike the Irish policeman who went to Heaven and was met by St Peter at the pearly gates. Says the saint " I cannot let you in to this place unless you can indentify Adam and Eve from that crowd of souls yonder." The policeman had no problem. He just looked around until he saw a pair with no navels.Happy St Pat's Day.


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Subject: RE: St. Patrick's Week Jokes
From: Banjer
Date: 13 Mar 01 - 08:22 PM

St. Patrick didn't lead the snakes out of Erin...He simply came out of his cottage one day eating a sandwich. When asked by a neighbor what it was he was eating, he replied, 'Sure and begorrah, 'tis snake, the other white meat' Hasn't been a snake in Ireland since.


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Subject: RE: St. Patrick's Week Jokes
From: CRANKY YANKEE
Date: 13 Mar 01 - 11:04 PM

I'm madly in love with a woman who's part Irish American, And I've been married to her for 32 years. I really like Irish People. This is only meant as a funny bit

(with a heavy cockney accent)"I knew h'it was an Irish Wolf 'ound, H'it was walkin' backwards and wagging 'is 'ead."

What's black and blue at the bottom of Narragansett Bay? Answer: an Irishman who tells Italian jokes.

Ma Fazoo adds: My grandmother Bridget Kearney met up with her friend Katy Shields. "well Good Morning' and how are you this fine day?, says Bridget to Katy. "O! dear and O! dear, I'm just not feelin' meself anymore." replies Katy, to which Bridget, horrified, trills "well Thanks be to God you've given up THAT filthy habit!"

I'm blushing now, that may have gone over the line.

Love, Ma


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Subject: RE: St. Patrick's Week Jokes
From: English Jon
Date: 14 Mar 01 - 03:46 AM

Paddy goes into a hardware shop after work and sees a wonderful thing. "sure and bejayzez, what's dat ting?" he asks. "ah sure pat, 'tis a t'ermos flask" replies the shopkeeper. "Ah sure, and what would that be for?" "well, it keeps the very hot tings hot, and the very cold tings cold"

Paddy is amazed: "sure thats wonderful, I'll take one of those"

Next day at work, paddy's foreman sees it. "what's dat ting you have there, pat?" "ah, sure 'tis a t'ermos flask - fer keeping the very hot tings hot and the very cold tings cold"

"Sure, dat's a wonderful thing!" says the foreman; "what have ye got in it?"

"2 cups o' tea and an ice lolly"

English Jon


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Subject: RE: St. Patrick's Week Jokes
From: Fiolar
Date: 14 Mar 01 - 09:18 AM

Try telling some of those "jokes" in an Irish pub and see who'll finish up at the bottom of Narragansett bay.


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Subject: RE: St. Patrick's Week Jokes
From: Snuffy
Date: 14 Mar 01 - 09:32 AM

Bridie met Molly.
"How's thing's going?"
"Not good, I think my husband's been unfaithful to me"
"Why do you say that?"
"Our new baby doesn't look like me at all."


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Subject: RE: St. Patrick's Week Jokes
From: alison
Date: 14 Mar 01 - 10:00 AM

I'm with you Fiolar...... *grin*

the variation I heard... done by an Irishman in Sydney by way of retaliation was....

Q.what's black and blue and floats under Sydney Harbour Bridge?

A. the next *&%^#*@(&#@ who tells me a *%&*$&#(@& Irish joke.....

slainte

alison


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Subject: RE: St. Patrick's Week Jokes
From: GUEST
Date: 14 Mar 01 - 10:11 AM

Three English men were in a bar and spotted an Irish man. One guy said he was going to piss him off. He walked over to the irish man and tapped him on the shoulder.

'Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a sissy.'

'Oh really, hmm, didn't know that.'

Puzzled, the English man walked back to his buddies.

'I told him St. Patrick was a sissy and he didn't care!'

'You just don't know how to set him off, watch and learn.'

The second English man walked over and tapped the Irish man on the shoulder.

'I hear your St. Patrick was a transvestite!'

'Oh, wow, I didn't know that, thank you.'

Shocked beyond belief, the English man went back to his buddies.

'You're right, he is unshakable!'

The third English man said: 'No, no, no, I will really piss him off, you just watch.'

The English man walked over to the Irish man, tapped him on the shoulder and said...'I hear your St. Patrick was an English man!'

'Yeah, thats what your buddies were trying to tell me.'


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Subject: RE: St. Patrick's Week Jokes
From: UB Ed
Date: 14 Mar 01 - 11:05 AM

My god! What happened to you?" the bartender asked Kelly as he hobbled in on a crutch, one arm in a cast.

"I got in a tiff with Riley."

"Riley? He's just a wee fellow," the barkeep said surprised. "He must have had something in his hand."

"That he did," Kelly said. "A shovel it was."

"Dear Lord. Didn't you have anything in your hand?"

"Aye, that I did--Mrs. Riley's left tit." Kelly said. "And a beautiful thing it was, but not much use in a fight!"

(blush)


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Subject: RE: St. Patrick's Week Jokes
From: aussiebloke
Date: 14 Mar 01 - 12:10 PM

God is well pleased with the job that He has done creating Ireland. He is bragging to anyone that will listen about how fertile the land and the sea are, abundant with game and fishes.

He is thrilled with the new people He has created - gracious, beautiful and intelligent, with a love for laughter and music and poetry, and a sense of community that He has never been able to get quite right before. He goes on and on...

Eventually, someone tires of his bragging and asks Him: 'Don't you think that you've overdone it a little?'

'Not at all' says God, 'Just wait till you hear about the neighbours I've given them...'


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Subject: RE: St. Patrick's Week Jokes
From: Bat Goddess
Date: 14 Mar 01 - 12:20 PM

"Was it against your will?"

"No Father, it was up against the china cabinet -- and you should have heard the plates rattle!"

Bat Goddess


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Subject: RE: St. Patrick's Week Jokes
From: Pseudolus
Date: 14 Mar 01 - 12:22 PM

Sean goes into a bar, has a seat and notices a lovely young woman at the end of the bar. He calls the bartender over and says, "Bartender, please if ya would be gettin me a pint of guinness, and please give that lovely young lass at the end of the bar a drink as well." The bartender says, "buddy, let me save you some time, she's a lesbian." Sean says, "I don't care a wee bit about that, give the lass a drink!". He does. a little while later Sean says, "Bartender, please if ya would be gettin me a pint of guinness, and please give that lovely young lass at the end of the bar a drink as well." the bartender tries again, "Buddy, I'm trying to save you some time here, she's a lesbian...." Sean says, "I don't care a wee bit about that, give the lass a drink!". This goes on for a while until Sean gets up the nerve, straightens his tie, and sits down next to the young woman and says, "So Lassie, what part of Lesbia are ye from????"

Frank


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Subject: RE: St. Patrick's Week Jokes
From: cait
Date: 14 Mar 01 - 04:32 PM

1) this one's told by the irish, i'd be guessing.

did ye hear the scots have found a new use for sheep?

sure an it's called wool.

2) an englishman, scotsman and irishman go into a pub and each order a pint. when they arrive, by some coincidence 3 flies land each in one pint. the englishman pushes his pint away in disgust and orders another. the scotsman fishes the fly out with his fingers and drinks the whole pint. the irishman pulls the fly out and angrily shakes it over the pint saying, 'spit it out, ye bugger!'

3) the irishman sees a sign advertising a special on venison, so he buys some and brings it home for the family meal. his two kids, timothy and patty are liking it but notice a different taste. 'what is this meat, dada?' they ask. not wanting to conjure up images of bambi, he tells them that it's delicious meat and to just eat it. 'no, da, tell us what it is!' 'well allright then, it's what your mother calls your ol' da, is what it is.' 'patty, spit it out! it's arsehole!' says timothy.

oh my...*g*

-caiti


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Subject: RE: St. Patrick's Week Jokes
From: Mr Red
Date: 14 Mar 01 - 04:35 PM

An American tourist in Co Clare, pouring over a map. Padraic and Micheal are leaning over the gate. Tourist ambles over and asks them the way to Kilrush. Says Paddy "well if I was going to Kilrush, sure I would not start from here". Says Mick "well now, Sor, go left at the crossroads, right at O'Flaherty's huge barn wot burned down last year and, straight for 5 miles". Says Paddy "Sure, Mick, an make it 3 miles won't you? Can't you see the poor mans walking".


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Subject: RE: St. Patrick's Week Jokes
From: Murray MacLeod
Date: 14 Mar 01 - 05:14 PM

I really like the fact that threads like this, and the other recent one on the Scots, can thrive without anyone getting their knickers in a twist. Other ethic groups, take note.

I will be using a couple of these jokes on Saturday, to be sure. Meanwhile, this is my all-time favorite.

Into a bar one Friday night walks a stranger and says to the bartender in an Irish accent "Three pints of Guinness please". The bartender pours, the stranger takes the three pints to a table, sits down and takes a sip from each pint in turn until the three pints are finished, says good-bye and leaves.

The following Friday the scenario is replicated, and the Friday after that, until the bartender, unable to restrain his curiosity, says "Excuse me for asking, but why do you buy three pints of Guinness every week, drink each of them in turn and then leave?"

"Ah well", says the Irishman, "I have two brothers who have emigrated, one to America and one to Australia. Before they left, we all made a promise to each other that we would each observe this little ceremony each Friday night wherever we were, to remember the days when we all met for a pint each Friday when we were together"

Needless to say, there was scarcely a dry eye in the bar by the time he had recounted this tale, and for years, the same scenario was enacted each Friday night.

Then one Friday night, he walks in and says to the bartender "Two pints of Guinness please". He takes the pints to his usual table and takes a sip out of each in turn until they are finished, The bar is in deathly silence, the regulars are looking at one another, eventually the bartender goes over to the Irishman and says "Is there a family tragedy you want to tell us about ?" The Irisman looks puzzled and says "What do do mean?". "Well, says the bartender, "For years you have ordered three pints, tonight you ordered only two."

"Oh no, " laughs the Irishman, " I've decided it was time I stopped drinking"

Happy St Patrick's Day

Murray


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Subject: RE: St. Patrick's Week Jokes
From: Don Firth
Date: 14 Mar 01 - 09:16 PM

I hope this doesn't offend anybody. It was told to me by a fairly devout Irish Catholic.

Jesus was an Irishman. You want proof? Okay, here it is:

1) He didn't leave home until he was thirty.

2) The night before He died, He went drinking with his friends.

3) He thought His mother was a virgin.

4) His mother thought He was God.

'Tis obvious! He was Irish!

Don Firth


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Subject: RE: St. Patrick's Week Jokes
From: Fiolar
Date: 15 Mar 01 - 09:05 AM

There were four explorers, an Englishman, a Scotsman, a German and an Irishman in deepest Africa walking throough the jungle when they were captured and brought before the local chief. "You have desecrated the sacred grounds of our ancestors", said the chief, "You will each receive 500 lashes. But because I am a merciful man, each of you can have anything you wish on your back beforehand." The Englishman said that he wanted two litres of the best palmoil. (he was pro European Union). The Scotsman said that he wanted two bottles of Scotch Whisky on his. The German declared that he wanted nothing on his and that he would take his punishment like a man. Fianlly it was the Irishman's turn and when asked what he wanted on his back, he said, "The German."


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Subject: RE: St. Patrick's Week Jokes
From: Michael in Swansea
Date: 15 Mar 01 - 09:35 AM

Paddy's house burnt down and he died in the fire. He was very badly burned so the mortician needed the body to be identified. Seamus and Sean, Paddy's two best friends were called for. Seamus went in and the mortician pulled the sheet back "To be sure" said Seamus "He's badly burned, can you turn him over?" So the mortician turned the body over, Seamus looked and said "No that's not Paddy" Sean went in and looked "He's badly burned to be sure, can you turn him over?" The mortician turned the body over, Sean looked "No that's not Paddy". The mortician asked how they were both sure it wasn't Paddy. "Well you see" said Sean "Paddy had two arseholes" "What do you mean?" asked the mortician "Two arseholes?" "Well" said Sean "Every time we went into town everyone said "Here comes Paddy with them two arseholes"

Mike


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Subject: RE: St. Patrick's Week Jokes
From: late 'n short 2
Date: 15 Mar 01 - 10:43 AM

Tim and Donal took their boat out to do some fishing when they get caught in a terrible storm and are dragged out to sea. All of their equipment, oars, etc. are lost in the storm and the two of them are left drifting aimlessly with no sign of rescue in sight. While they are floating along bemoaning their fate, Tim spots a bottle in the water alongside the boat. He pulls it out and as he rubs the side of it to read the label a big puff of smoke appears and, when it clears, there stands a leprechaun. "And who are you?" says Donal. "I'm a leprechaun" says the leprechaun. "Leprechaun, me arse!" says Donal, ever the skeptic. "Prove it!" "Very well" says the little fellow, "I normally have the power to grant three wishes but for you and your attitude I'll only make it one." "Sure, sure" Donal says scornfully, "See all this water around us? Turn it into beer." With that, there's a thunderous roar a flash of lightning and when the calm returns the leprechaun is nowhere to be seen. But by the look of the water around them, he has certainly fulfilled the wish. The astonished Tim, who until now had been only an observer, scoops up a handful of the liquid and confirms its content. They are surrounded by miles and miles of the most delicious brew ever concocted. With that Tim turns to Donal in disbelief. "You ijit," he screams. " Now we'll have to piss in the boat!"

Dan


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Subject: RE: St. Patrick's Week Jokes
From: UB Ed
Date: 15 Mar 01 - 02:50 PM

There's a reason it only comes once a year.

St. Patrick's Day: the one day of the year when the 2% of the world's population that's Irish gets the other 98% completely shitfaced.

Leg 1: 7 a.m. to 9 a.m.

Rise and shine early. Take a long, hot shower, and liberally use aftershave, perfume, cologne, deodorant and powders afterwards, because by 3p.m., you will be excreting raw alcohol and other poisons, and without proper preparations, you will smell like a three-day dead cat wrapped in a fraternity carpet. The bars open at 9, so use this time to prepare.

Collect the following supplies and put them in a place where you will easily be able to find it in an impaired condition. We recommend the bathroom floor, between the toilet and the baseboard heater, since that's where you'll probably end up:

1 quart spring water 1 bottle aspirin 5 pairs Depends undergarment 1 bottle Percocet 1 gram morphine sulphate 1 oz. human adrenaline extract 1 precharged electric defibrillator 4 Cardiac needles 1 trauma surgeon

Brew a strong pot of coffee. Add 9 oz. Jameson Irish whiskey, drink. Note that coffee should be drunk liberally throughout the day. There is a reason that the Irish invented Irish Coffee; unless you ingest a large volume of artificial stimulants throughout the course of St.Patrick's Day, you are going to die. Arrange to be picked up to be taken to the bar by 8:45 a.m. We cannot stress enough that you should not drink and drive. There is no reason to chance losing your license or killing someone in a drunken state when you have plenty of idiot friends willing to take that risk on your behalf.

Leg 2: 9 a.m. to 11 a.m.

Arrive at the bar right when it opens. Make sure this is an Irish bar if at all possible. An Irish bar in Boston is the best alternative, since Boston in Gaelic means West Kilarney. However, almost every city in America has bars called The Blarney Stone, McSomethings, or The Dirty Mick. Just try to ignore the fact that the bar is probably owned by Koreans. Secure a barstool and do not leave it under any circumstances. The bar is liable to be packed by noon, and real Irish people do not wait in line for drinks, no matter what the consequences. While we do recommend the use of an adult undergarment to mask unpleasant smells, it really doesn't matter. By afternoon, you'll be sopping wet with spilled beer anyway, and your mild urine smell will be completely overpowered by the toxic stench of vomit. We recommend starting out with a few more Irish Coffees to spike the stimulant level, however, you should not order an Irish Coffee," as you will be given a fruity little glass mug topped with whipped cream and a cherry, and some guy named Seamus will call you a yuppie poseur while putting a cigarette out on your neck. Ask for coffee with whiskey and ask the bartender to leave the whipped cream can, as nothing will add spice to your day like the occasional whippet.

Leg 3: 11 a.m. to 2 p.m.

It's lunchtime! You may not be hungry, but it's important to eat something, because like Sheriff Bart said in Blazing Saddles:" Man drink like that, and don't eat, he is going to die." If you want to maintain your buzz and not get that hideous, bloated feeling that could slow down your drinking, there are only two options: popcorn or Pop Tarts. Both have the carbohydrates you'll need to give you energy, both will soak up excess bile in your stomach, and both have names that are hard to slur. If you start slurring your words too early, you'll hear the most frightening phrase in the English language on St. Patrick's Day besides I'm pregnant: You're cut off". By now, you should switch off of coffee drinks to beer. You have only one option here: Guinness stout. You may be tempted to order green beer, but remember: beer doesn't always turn green because of food coloring.

Leg 3: 2 p.m. to 7 p.m.

By now, the bar is definitely crowded as people take long lunches and bail out of work early to tie one on. If you're doing your job correctly, the bar should look twice or three times as crowded as it really is. By now, you may be in conversation with some real Irish people, since the person you came with has likely been taken away by ambulance. Some conversational points to remember when talking to the Irish are: Football really means Soccer, and you should be more passionate about it than you are about your wife or husband, AND The English are all piss-arsed, pig-fucking bastards who should be lined up and kicked into the Liffey. If you remember those two points, as well at least three derogatory names for Margaret Thatcher, you can talk to the Irish for hours. You should continue to drink Guinness throughout this leg, although you may want to have another Irish Coffee if your heartbeat has become irregular

The Home Stretch: 7 p.m. to Closing

Your goal, of course, is to be the last person to leave the bar at closing time. This will be impossible, since a blood alcohol content of .50 usually equals death, and you should be pushing a .35 or .40 by now. The only way for a true Irishman to leave a bar before closing time with honor is to be hauled away by the police. Throw a punch. It doesn't matter who you hit or why; no one's made any sense since 3 o'clock, anyway. You will be beaten mercilessly, since your fine motor control has been gone since the late morning, but it doesn't matter since you can't feel anything. Depending on your community, the police should arrive within fifteen minutes to scrape you off the floor and clap you in irons. The final impression you leave is the most important: as you are being dragged from the bar, begin screaming that you want to take your drink with you. You will be a legend, and by now the friend who took you to the bar should have had his or her stomach pumped, and will be able to bail you out.

By following these simple guidelines, your St. Patrick's Day experience would be one you would never forget if it weren't physically and biologically impossible for you to remember any of it.


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Subject: RE: St. Patrick's Week Jokes
From: Wesley S
Date: 15 Mar 01 - 02:59 PM

Been there,done that,puked on the t-shirt


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Subject: RE: St. Patrick's Week Jokes
From: GUEST
Date: 15 Mar 01 - 06:28 PM

Don't shoot me, I'm Irish. What's a 7 course meal in Ireland? A potato and a six pack. A guy from Texas walks into a pub in Ireland and says "I hear you Irish are a bunch of drinkers. I'll bet that no one hear can drink 10 pints in a row." So no one answers. Oneman leaves. Half an hour later, the man returns. He says he'd like to try, and suceeds. The Texan has never seen anyone do this before, and is amazed. When asked why he disappeared for half an hour the man says "I had to go to the pub down the street and try it first.


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Subject: RE: St. Patrick's Week Jokes
From: Mrrzy
Date: 16 Mar 01 - 12:38 PM

If you see a Scotsman with a kilt down to his thighs, you call him a lad; one with a kilt down to his knees, you call him a man. If he's got his kilt down to his shins, you call him a damned liar!


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Subject: RE: St. Patrick's Week Jokes
From: BobP
Date: 16 Mar 01 - 01:00 PM

Here's a twist on one mentioned already.

You know, St. Patrick didn't really drive the snakes out of Ireland.

What he did was, he opened a pub for tourists in Dublin, and offered platters of fried snake, free with a pint.

Business was great till the supply ran out, but by then he was making out okay driving customers back to the docks for the ferry ride home. You know? I suppose you could say maybe he did after all.


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Subject: RE: St. Patrick's Week Jokes
From: Frogmore
Date: 16 Mar 01 - 01:13 PM

What's the most popular spectator sport in Ireland? answer......."The DTs."

Name a typical Irish 7 course dinner. answer........."A 6 pack and a potato."


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Subject: RE: St. Patrick's Week Jokes
From: Frogmore
Date: 16 Mar 01 - 01:35 PM

Here's what I can recall of a song that I wrote with my friend Filthy Fred on St. Pat.'s afternoon in 1976. We later that night performed it in The Warehouse in Alexandria, Va. and in some boozy bar in Georgetown, standing on the mantel piece. ----------------- chorus: St. Patrick's Day has come along and I don't know no Irish songs My name ain't Paddy, my britches ain't green and "Erin Go Braugh" - what the hell does that mean?

"Too ra loo ra loo ra" is just nonsense, that I'm sure a Cockles & mussels are just seafood St. Pat was just some flipped out dude and I ain't never found no 4 leaf clover.

"Too ra loo ra loo ra" is just nonsense, that I'm sure a James Joyce just gets my head confused He musta been strung out on booze and I ain't never found no shamrock clover.

If you happen to hail from Dublin Town there's a chance my song has got ya down I LOVE the Irish, I love the Poles I even love a few assholes but I ain't never found no 4 leaf clover. ----------------- Does anyone know Filthy Fred (Davis)? He's probably on the island of Nevis. Need contact. More songs to write. Thanks. Frogmore (David Dowling)

)


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Subject: RE: St. Patrick's Week Jokes
From: GUEST,Dita (at work)
Date: 16 Mar 01 - 02:16 PM

An American is waiting for a plane at Shannon Airport, and is mouthing off on a loud voice about Ireland, how much he hates it and how much bigger and better and cheaper things are in the USA. He finishes his moaning with - "This place must be the asshole of the world."
Paddy, who has been listening to him asks "Are you just passing through then?"
love, john.


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Subject: RE: St. Patrick's Week Jokes
From: Skeptic
Date: 16 Mar 01 - 02:37 PM

PADDY AND SADDAM

Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office wondering who to invade next when his telephone rang.

"Hallo! Mr. Hussein," a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy down in County Cavan, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you."

"Well, Paddy," Saddam replied, "This is indeed important news. Tell me, how big is your army?"

"At this moment in time," said Paddy after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, my cousin Sean, my next door neighbor Gerry, and the entire dominoes team from the pub -- that makes eight."

Saddam sighed. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command."

"Begorra!" said Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back."

Sure enough, the next day Paddy rang back. "Right Mr. Hussein, the war is still on. We have managed to acquire some equipment."

"And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Saddam asked.

"Well, we have two combine harvesters, a bulldozer and Murphy's tractor from the farm."

Once more Saddam sighed. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 16,000 tanks, 14,000 armored personnel carriers, and my army has increased to one and a half million since we last spoke."

"Really?" said Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back."

Paddy rang again the next day. "Right, Mr. Hussein, the war is still on. We have managed to get ourselves airborne. We've modified Ted's ultra-light with a couple of rifles in the cockpit, and the bridge team has joined us as well."

Saddam was silent for a minute, then sighed. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 10,000 bombers, 20,000 MiG-19 attack planes, my military complex is surrounded by laser-guided surface-to-air missile sites, and since we last spoke, my army has increased to two million men."

"Faith and begorra!" said Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back."

Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day. "Right, Mr. Hussein, I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war."

"I'm sorry to hear that," said Saddam. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

"Well," said Paddy, "we've all had a chat, and there's no way we can feed two million prisoners."

Regards

John


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Subject: RE: St. Patrick's Week Jokes
From: BobP
Date: 16 Mar 01 - 02:51 PM

Here's a really old one, perhaps its time to revive.

Never ask a Scotsman what he wears under his kilt.

He'll just reply that he's a McDonald and prove

it by showing his quarterpounder.


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Subject: RE: St. Patrick's Week Jokes
From: dwditty
Date: 16 Mar 01 - 03:40 PM

I heard this on a Townes Van Zandt album.

Gallagher is out for a walk when he spots a leprechaun. He lunges and catches the wee one by the foot and holds on. The leprechaun, furious, yells, "Let me go." Gallagher says, "OK, but what about my three wishes." The leprechaun agrees but tells him to hurry up. Gallagher's first wish is for a pint of Guiness that never empties. Poof. A pint appears. Gallagher takes a big gulp, examines the pint, and it's still full. In disbelief, he downs the whole pint after which the it is still full. Meanwhile the leprechaun is screaming at him to let him go. Gallagher says, "What about my other two wishes." The leprechaun angrily replies, "Be quick. What are your other two wishes." Gallagher says, "I'll have two more of these."


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Subject: RE: St. Patrick's Week Jokes
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 16 Mar 01 - 03:46 PM

Where Green Beer Comes From


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Subject: RE: St. Patrick's Week Jokes
From: JedMarum
Date: 16 Mar 01 - 03:49 PM

Seamus Kennedy was out fishing with his two Scottish friends Ed and Brian when a sudden wind came up and blew their boat way out to sea. In fact, the boat wrecked on a feef and left the three men stranded on a small desert island. They spent the fist few weeks learning to find shelter, water and food, but then began to consider how they might get off the island. Their ordeal and their hard work at survival had really bonded the three men, and they became fast and lifelong friends.

One day while walking along the beach wondering how they might attract the attention of passing ships, Seamus stubbed his toe on something in the sand. He picked it up only to discover it was a small vessel with a cork stopper. He held it out to Ed, who cleared off the sand and Brian pulled the cork - then suddenly, out pops a genie "You have all three saved me from my prison, therefore you will each get one wish." Ed spoke first, "well I could wish for many things, but the truth is I've learned what's most important to me in this life, I really miss my family and friends. I wish I was home." and poof in an instant Ed was gone. Brian spoke next saying. "ach, its' true, I wish I was back home with the people I love." and poof Brian was gone, as well. Now it was Seamus's turn. He looked at the Genie and spoke up, "you know they're right, it is rather lonely here, I wish I had my friends back!"


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Subject: RE: St. Patrick's Week Jokes
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 16 Mar 01 - 04:24 PM

Ring-ring... Ring-ring... Ring-ri...

Hello

Hello yerself, is that Dublin 2222?

No, sorry, it's Dublin 2223

Oh, OK. Can you nip next door and tell Murphy I'll be late...

Dave the temporary Leprechaun


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Subject: RE: St. Patrick's Week Jokes
From: Sarah the flute
Date: 17 Mar 01 - 10:12 AM

What did the Irishman call his pet zebra ? Spot

What do bodhran players use for contraception ? Their personality


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Subject: RE: St. Patrick's Week Jokes
From: Genie
Date: 10 Mar 02 - 04:46 AM

Who's Irish and too stupid to come in out of the rain?

Answer (read it backwards)

erutinruF'O yddaP ----------------------

Father Murphy was walkin' through the village one day when he spied Mrs. O'Malley waving her arms frantically at some pigeons, yelling, "Fuck off, pigeons! Fuck off!"

"Now, now, Mrs. O'Malley, " said Father Murphy, in a soft, sweet lilting voice. "Ye needn't be yellin' at the pigeons like that. All ye have to do is flick your fingers lightly like this (he demonstrated) and say softly 'Shoo, pigeons, shoo,' ...and the pigeons'll fuck off by themselves."

Genie


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Subject: RE: St. Patrick's Week Jokes
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 10 Mar 02 - 05:08 AM

Whale
Oil
Beef
Hooked
The four commenest words in the Irish language.


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Subject: RE: St. Patrick's Week Jokes
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 10 Mar 02 - 05:09 AM

COMMONEST!! doh.


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Subject: RE: St. Patrick's Week Jokes
From: Mr Red
Date: 10 Mar 02 - 05:42 AM

BobP
Would that publican be after calling his delicay "Snake & Kid Me Poiy" now?


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Subject: RE: St. Patrick's Week Jokes
From: Hrothgar
Date: 10 Mar 02 - 05:53 AM

...and the bloke on stage says, "I'm going to tell an Irish joke. Are there any Irish here?"

A deep, unfriendly voice from the audience says "Yes!"

"Don't worry, I'll tell it slowly."


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Subject: RE: St. Patrick's Week Jokes
From: guinnesschik
Date: 10 Mar 02 - 10:42 AM

An Irishman and a Scot walk into a pub together. The Scot says "Buy a round for the house, on me!" Next morning, the headlines read: IRISH VENTRELOQUIST FOUND BEATEN TO DEATH BEHIND PUB.


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Subject: RE: St. Patrick's Week Jokes
From: leprechaun
Date: 10 Mar 02 - 02:02 PM

Just the punch line, eh?

O.K.

Sure and aren't you just a wee bit old to be believin' in leprechauns?


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