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Jokes about Musicians

Pseudolus 17 Aug 00 - 04:44 PM
GUEST, Banjo Johnny 17 Aug 00 - 02:58 PM
GUEST 17 Aug 00 - 02:48 PM
Bernard 17 Aug 00 - 02:12 PM
Gervase 17 Aug 00 - 05:04 AM
GUEST, Banjo Johnny 17 Aug 00 - 04:40 AM
Bernard 16 Aug 00 - 11:09 AM
ol'troll 16 Aug 00 - 08:41 AM
mactheturk 16 Aug 00 - 08:21 AM
Bernard 15 Aug 00 - 05:19 PM
AllisonA(Animaterra) 15 Aug 00 - 05:09 PM
oggie 15 Aug 00 - 05:01 PM
mactheturk 15 Aug 00 - 08:57 AM
hesperis 15 Aug 00 - 08:36 AM
Bud Savoie 15 Aug 00 - 07:15 AM
Bud Savoie 15 Aug 00 - 07:14 AM
Bud Savoie 15 Aug 00 - 07:12 AM
Auxiris 15 Aug 00 - 05:24 AM
Mark Clark 15 Aug 00 - 12:18 AM
mactheturk 14 Aug 00 - 10:56 PM
GUEST,Rich(stupidbodhranplayerwhodoesn'tknowbetter 14 Aug 00 - 10:33 PM
mactheturk 14 Aug 00 - 09:21 PM
Biskit 14 Aug 00 - 07:56 PM
Melani 14 Aug 00 - 05:57 PM
Bernard 14 Aug 00 - 04:24 PM
Bud Savoie 14 Aug 00 - 04:00 PM
GUEST,Rich(stupidbodhranplayerwhodoesn'tknowbetter 14 Aug 00 - 03:00 PM
Bernard 14 Aug 00 - 01:01 PM
CarolC 14 Aug 00 - 03:28 AM
Bernard 13 Aug 00 - 05:38 PM
GUEST,kendall 13 Aug 00 - 05:29 PM
GUEST 13 Aug 00 - 05:23 PM
GUEST,Colwyn Dane 13 Aug 00 - 04:06 PM
GUEST,Rich(stupidbodhranplayerwhodoesn'tknowbetter 13 Aug 00 - 02:22 PM
GUEST,Miss Piggy 13 Aug 00 - 02:01 PM
Mary in Kentucky 13 Aug 00 - 01:55 PM
Liz the Squeak 13 Aug 00 - 08:59 AM
Catrin 13 Aug 00 - 08:57 AM
bill\sables 13 Aug 00 - 08:48 AM
Naemanson 13 Aug 00 - 08:08 AM
death by whisky 13 Aug 00 - 08:06 AM
GUEST,alanabit@web.de 13 Aug 00 - 06:44 AM
Banjer 13 Aug 00 - 06:30 AM
Melani 12 Aug 00 - 11:29 PM
Downeast Bob 12 Aug 00 - 11:25 PM
Little Hawk 12 Aug 00 - 11:12 PM
Quincy 12 Aug 00 - 08:19 PM
Quincy 12 Aug 00 - 08:06 PM
Quincy 12 Aug 00 - 07:31 PM
Yo 12 Aug 00 - 07:03 PM
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Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: Pseudolus
Date: 17 Aug 00 - 04:44 PM

...And Gervase if you sing a country and western song backwards, you get your house back, your car back, your wife back......same idea....

I was sent this list of actual country song titles once and I think it fits this thread close enough not to be "creepish". Creepy maybe, but not creepish!!

Frank

Top 25 country song titles
25. Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth "Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye
24. Her Teeth Was Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure
23. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?
22. I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling
21. I Just Bought A Car From A Guy That Stole My Girl, But The Car Don't Run So I Figure We Got An Even Deal
20. I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You
19. I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well
18. I Still Miss You, Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better
17. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win
16. I'll Marry You Tomorrow But Let's Honeymoon Tonight
15. I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like Having You Here
14. I've Got Tears In My Ears From Lyin' On My Back and Cryin' Over You
13. If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You
12. If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I'd Be Out By Now
11. Mama Get A Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head)
10. My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don't Love You
9. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Do Miss Him
8. Please Bypass This Heart
7. She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger
6. You Done Tore Out My Heart And Stomped That Sucker Flat
5. You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly
4. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me
3. She's Actin' Single and I'm Drinkin' Doubles
2. She's Looking Better After Every Beer
1. I Haven't Gone To Bed With Any Ugly Women But I've Sure Woke Up With A Few


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Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: GUEST, Banjo Johnny
Date: 17 Aug 00 - 02:58 PM

A country-western band leader hits the state lottery bigtime, and a t-v reporter visits him for an interview.

"Tex, you've won over $480,000 -- what do you plan to do with all that money?"

"Waal, I've always enjoyed bein' a band leader, so I reckon I'll just stay in the music bid'ness until all the money's gone!"

== Johnny in OKC


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Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: GUEST
Date: 17 Aug 00 - 02:48 PM

Q. What is the definition of perfect pitch?

A. When you throw a banjo in a dumpster and it doesn't touch the sides.


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Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: Bernard
Date: 17 Aug 00 - 02:12 PM

Shortest Cowboy song:

It's been lonesome in the saddle since my horse died...


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Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: Gervase
Date: 17 Aug 00 - 05:04 AM

So, if you sing the blues backwards, your dog comes back to life, your wife comes home and you get to go back to bed?
On a different tack, I found out at the weekend why the good lord invented line dancing.
It was so Morris dancers could finally have something to take the piss out of...


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Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: GUEST, Banjo Johnny
Date: 17 Aug 00 - 04:40 AM

I LOVE EVERYBODY THAT POSTED JOKES HERE!

True story from the Musical Family:

Joanne Castle had just whipped off one of her fantastic piano rags, and Mr. Welk took the stage to congratulate her. "Our lovely Choanne Cazzle, wunnerful wunnerful! You know, folgs, Choanne has been part of our Musiggle Family for more than twenny years-a, traveling across this graid country, and in all that time she has never once been laid!"

And another true one ... his famous tip to the band just before kicking off a real hot number, "Here we go, poys, so pee on your toes-a!"

Lawrence Welk's telephone number: a-one, anna-two, anna-1-2-3.

== Johnny in OKC


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Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: Bernard
Date: 16 Aug 00 - 11:09 AM

Egg-cisely!

Just as 'Now will you believe I was ill?' was on the hypochondriac's...


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Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: ol'troll
Date: 16 Aug 00 - 08:41 AM

I thought that "I didn't wake up this mornin'" was the epitaph on the blues players tombstone.

troll


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Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: mactheturk
Date: 16 Aug 00 - 08:21 AM

Saint Peter is at the pearly gates when three souls approach. Saint Peter asks the first person to describe his career on earth. The first person answers, " I made $200,000 per year and I was an attorney". Saint Peter lets him in the gate.

The second person then responds, "I made $150,000 per year and I was a marketing executive". Saint Peter lets him in the gate.

The third soul responds, "I made $9,000 per year", and Saint Peter said, "Which instrument did you play?"


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Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: Bernard
Date: 15 Aug 00 - 05:19 PM

Shortest blues song:

I didn't wake up this mornin'...


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Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: AllisonA(Animaterra)
Date: 15 Aug 00 - 05:09 PM

Shortest joke in the world:

A morris dancer passes by a pub...


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Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: oggie
Date: 15 Aug 00 - 05:01 PM

Why do bands have bass players?

To translate for the drummer!

Steve


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Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: mactheturk
Date: 15 Aug 00 - 08:57 AM

Q. Why are bagpipe players always walking?

A. To get away from that sound.


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Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: hesperis
Date: 15 Aug 00 - 08:36 AM

As I have more experience with orchestral music than folk,
I couldn't resist posting this one...

What's the difference between a Horn player and a Seamstress?
.
.
.
.
.
.
The seamstress tucks the frills.

~*sirepseh*~


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Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: Bud Savoie
Date: 15 Aug 00 - 07:15 AM

Shoot! I did it again!


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Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: Bud Savoie
Date: 15 Aug 00 - 07:14 AM

What do you do if you run over a banjo picker in your pickup?

A: Back up.

What's the difference between a bodhran player and a podiatrist?

A: The podiatrist bucks up the feet.


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Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: Bud Savoie
Date: 15 Aug 00 - 07:12 AM

Aha! Now we're starting to get some bodhran jokes. Keep 'em coming. And by the way, Rich, it's hard to insult a banjo player. We tell more of the jokes than anyone else.


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Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: Auxiris
Date: 15 Aug 00 - 05:24 AM

Q: What do you do with a dead banjo player?

A: Skin him/her and make a bodran.

cheers,

Aux


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Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: Mark Clark
Date: 15 Aug 00 - 12:18 AM

"Our band has a fiddle player that can really make that thing talk."
"Really? What does it say?"
"It says 'Take your hands off me!'"


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Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: mactheturk
Date: 14 Aug 00 - 10:56 PM

Q. Why do drummers leave drumsticks on the dashboard of their car?

A. So they can use the handicap parking.


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Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: GUEST,Rich(stupidbodhranplayerwhodoesn'tknowbetter
Date: 14 Aug 00 - 10:33 PM

Bud, i regularly hear that from some friends at local sessions and ceilis. Of course one plays the bodhran with the 4 stringed tumor that inevitably leads to delusions of grandeur about a banjo being anything more than a drum. I consider the source.
rich


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Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: mactheturk
Date: 14 Aug 00 - 09:21 PM

Q. How many bluegrass musicians does it take to change a light bulb?

A. Five... one to change the bulb and four to complain that it's electric.


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Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: Biskit
Date: 14 Aug 00 - 07:56 PM

Whatcha call a musician without a girlfriend?????? homeless. -Biskit-


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Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: Melani
Date: 14 Aug 00 - 05:57 PM

Q: What goes "jingle, jingle--boom! jingle, jingle--Boom!" A: Morris dancers in a minefield.


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Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: Bernard
Date: 14 Aug 00 - 04:24 PM

Tenuous link...

Why do Morris dancers wear bells?

To annoy the blind as well as the deaf...


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Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: Bud Savoie
Date: 14 Aug 00 - 04:00 PM

Rich, nobody's going to put a bodhran-player joke on this thread. It's supposed to be about musicians.


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Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: GUEST,Rich(stupidbodhranplayerwhodoesn'tknowbetter
Date: 14 Aug 00 - 03:00 PM

What's the definition if perfect pitch?
The sound of a clarinet splintering as it pierces an accordian and a banjo!

Did you hear about the banjo that was so far out of tune that some of the other banjo players started to notice?

Why do Scottish pipers march when they play?
2 answers 1: to get away from the noise. and 2: A moving target is harder to hit.

What do you get when you throw a banjo, an accordion, and a hammered dulcimer of the Empire State Building at the same time?
Thunderous applause!

How do you get a fiddler to slow down?
Put sheet music in front of him.

How do you tell banjo tunes apart?
The names are different!

What do you get when you put 6 banjo players in a circle?
A full set of teeth.

A fiddler walks into a booth at a Highlands Games competition and tells a large, kilted gentleman "Wait til you hear this great new bagpipe joke that I heard this morning!" The man replies "Before you tell it you should that I play the Bagpipes, That guy over there throwing the hammer plays the pipes, and my brother pulling that cart over there, plays as well. Now do you still want to tell your joke?" "Not if I'm gonna have to explain it three times!"

Here's one to play next time a hammer dulcimer player comes to your session. When he or she gets a note for one string and goes off in a corner to get in tune with every one else, everyone tune up or down just a hair.

I shouldn't pick on hammer dulcimers though. They sound absolutely beautiful.............if you turn them over and clog on them!

I'm sorry I don't have any bodhran jokes to offer. MOst of the ones I've heard have already been taken either as bodhran jokes or as other instrument jokes.

Cheers,
Rich


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Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: Bernard
Date: 14 Aug 00 - 01:01 PM

Difference between a bodhran player and a yoghurt?

The yoghurt has developed a culture...


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Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: CarolC
Date: 14 Aug 00 - 03:28 AM

You're in a boat with a lion, a tiger, and a tiple player. You have a gun with only two bullets. What do you do?

Shoot the tiple player twice.


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Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: Bernard
Date: 13 Aug 00 - 05:38 PM

Difference between a drummer and a drum machine?

About half a beat...


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Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: GUEST,kendall
Date: 13 Aug 00 - 05:29 PM

What do they do when the second violinist dies? They move him back one chair.


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Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: GUEST
Date: 13 Aug 00 - 05:23 PM

drummer, tired of being bugged, decided to learn a real instrument, went to a store, and said to the clerk, "I want to buy that red trumpet, and that accordian." the clerk said, "I'll sell you the fire extinguisher, but, the radiator stays."


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Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: GUEST,Colwyn Dane
Date: 13 Aug 00 - 04:06 PM

G'day,

Attributed to Thomas Beecham. To a cellist:

"Madam, you have between your legs an instrument capable of giving pleasure to thousands
- and all you can do is scratch it."

Toodle-pip.


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Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: GUEST,Rich(stupidbodhranplayerwhodoesn'tknowbetter
Date: 13 Aug 00 - 02:22 PM

How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
None. The keyboard player can do it with his left hand.
How many banjo players?
four, one to change it and three to complain that it's electric.
How many drummers?
NOne they have a machine to do that now.
How do you know when a singer is at your door?
You don't. She can't find the key and doesn't know when to come in anyway.

A man is visiting Chinatown when he comes upon a curios little shop. He goes in and, amongst the many bizarre things on the shelves, he sees a golden rat. He asks "how much?" and is told "$100 with the story that goes with it or $25 without". the man figures he really doesn't need the story, so he pays the $25 and leaves with the rat. He doesn't get very far when he starts to hear a faint sort of rustling sound. He pays it no mind but it starts to get stronger...and louder...and closer! He turns around to see an army of rats chasing him, with more joining every minute! He runs but alas, they're gaining on him and soon every rat in the city is on his heels! in desperation he throws the golden rat off the Fisherman's Wharf. The rats all follw into the bay and drown. He goes back to the store. The shopkeeper says "I figured you'd be back. Would you like to pay for the story now?" The man replies "NO, but how much for that golden accordian?"

Rich


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Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: GUEST,Miss Piggy
Date: 13 Aug 00 - 02:01 PM

Difference between a musician and a pig?

A pig wouldn't stay up all night to screw a musician.


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Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: Mary in Kentucky
Date: 13 Aug 00 - 01:55 PM

The symphony orchestra was performing Beethoven's Ninth. In the piece, there's a long passage, about 20 minutes, during which the bass violinists have nothing to do. Rather than sit around that whole time looking stupid, some bassists decided to sneak offstage and go to the tavern next door for a quick one. After slamming several beers in quick succession, one of them looked at his watch and said, "Hey! We need to get back!" "No need to panic," said a fellow bassist. "I thought we might need some extra time, so I tied the last few pages of the conductor's score together with string. It'll take him a few minutes to get it untangled." A few moments later they staggered back to the concert hall and took their places in the orchestra. About this time, a member of the audience noticed the conductor seemed a bit edgy and said as much to her companion. "Well, of course," said her companion. "Don't you see? It's the bottom of the Ninth, the score is tied, and the bassists are loaded."


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Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 13 Aug 00 - 08:59 AM

Roll it down an army barracks and you get A flat Major...

LTS


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Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: Catrin
Date: 13 Aug 00 - 08:57 AM

What do you get if you drop a piano down a coal pit?

A flat minor.


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Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: bill\sables
Date: 13 Aug 00 - 08:48 AM

98% of melodeon players give the others a bad name


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Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: Naemanson
Date: 13 Aug 00 - 08:08 AM

What's the difference between a puppy and a singer/songwriter?

Eventually the puppy stops whining.


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Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: death by whisky
Date: 13 Aug 00 - 08:06 AM

What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians ?

A bodhran player !


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Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: GUEST,alanabit@web.de
Date: 13 Aug 00 - 06:44 AM

Question: What's the difference betweenchewing gum and a singer? Answer: You can get chewing gum off a mirror. Question: What's the difference between a prostitute and an Irish Pub musician? Answer: The prostitute demands money before she gets.... Question: What's the difference between a singer songwriter and a hypnotist? Answer: A hypnotist can wake up the people he has sent to sleep.


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Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: Banjer
Date: 13 Aug 00 - 06:30 AM

I heard a similar story to Downeast Bob's. The punchline being that at least one of the pickers would have said, "That ain't the Earl did it"!

Q. What's the difference between a motorcycle and a banjo?

A. You can tune a motorcycle!

Q. What's the difference between a leaf rake and a banjo?

A. Your wife gets mad if the neighbors borrow the rake and don't return it.

Q. A guitar player and a banjo player both fall off a balcony at the top of a skyscraper at the same time. Which one will hit the ground first?

A. The guitar player. The banjo player will have to stop and retune at least once on the way down.

Actually, the term 'banjo tuning' is an oxymoron!


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Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: Melani
Date: 12 Aug 00 - 11:29 PM

Three guys died and went to heaven, where they were interviewed by St. Peter to determine their fitness to enter the Pearly Gates. "How much money did you make in you entire life?" he asked the first one. "Oh, many, many millions," was the answer. "And what did you do for a living?" "I was a corporate CEO."

"How much money did you make in your life?" St. Peter asked the second one. "Oh, maybe a couple million all together," was the reply. "And what did you do for a living?" "I sold insurance."

"And how much money did you make in your entire life?" St. Peter asked the third. "In my whole life, I think I might have made about $3000.00" "Oh, really?" said St. Peter. "What instrument did you play?"


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Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: Downeast Bob
Date: 12 Aug 00 - 11:25 PM

Q. How many bluegrass musicians does it take to change a lightbulb?

A. Thousands. One to actually change the bulb and the rest to argue about how Bill Monroe would have done it.


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Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: Little Hawk
Date: 12 Aug 00 - 11:12 PM

What's the difference between a dead skunk in the middle of the road, and a dead folksinger in the middle of the road?

The skunk was on his way to a paying gig!

What's the difference between a fiddle player and a dog?

The dog knows when to stop scratching.

How does a lead singer change a light bulb?

He just holds onto it and lets the world revolve around him.


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Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: Quincy
Date: 12 Aug 00 - 08:19 PM

Mac,

Have just found one enormous collection of "musician jokes". Can't do the click thing so here's the address!

http://home.earthlink.net/~midiron/jokes1.html

Enjoy!! best wishes, Yvonne


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Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: Quincy
Date: 12 Aug 00 - 08:06 PM

A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears some music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source. He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads: Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827. Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward! Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him. By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backward. Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward. The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th. By the next day the word has spread and a throng has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward. Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group. Someone in the crowd asks him if he has an explanation for the music.
"Oh, it's nothing to worry about" says the caretaker. "He's just decomposing!"

Yvonne


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Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: Quincy
Date: 12 Aug 00 - 07:31 PM

I've always been musical myself, sure I was born with a drum in each ear!

I also came from a very musical family....even our sewing machine was a Singer!

Yvonne


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Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: Yo
Date: 12 Aug 00 - 07:03 PM

The teacher bugs little Joe all the time. And one day he asks; Joe, how do you get one hole in another? Joe thought about it for two days and still didn't know. Well, just put a ring in your mouth Joe, said the teacher. Little Joe didn't like it at all that his teacher outsmarted him again. So the next day he asks the teacher; How do you get nine holes in one other? No idea, said the teacher. Take a silver flute and shove it up your ass, Joe said. Yo.


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