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Jokes about Musicians

mactheturk 12 Aug 00 - 03:33 PM
cujimmy 12 Aug 00 - 03:46 PM
Catrin 12 Aug 00 - 03:52 PM
Mark Clark 12 Aug 00 - 03:56 PM
GUEST,The gnome at home 12 Aug 00 - 03:56 PM
mactheturk 12 Aug 00 - 04:07 PM
Dee45 12 Aug 00 - 04:14 PM
mactheturk 12 Aug 00 - 04:17 PM
ol'troll 12 Aug 00 - 04:38 PM
Banjer 12 Aug 00 - 05:45 PM
Yo 12 Aug 00 - 07:03 PM
Quincy 12 Aug 00 - 07:31 PM
Quincy 12 Aug 00 - 08:06 PM
Quincy 12 Aug 00 - 08:19 PM
Little Hawk 12 Aug 00 - 11:12 PM
Downeast Bob 12 Aug 00 - 11:25 PM
Melani 12 Aug 00 - 11:29 PM
Banjer 13 Aug 00 - 06:30 AM
GUEST,alanabit@web.de 13 Aug 00 - 06:44 AM
death by whisky 13 Aug 00 - 08:06 AM
Naemanson 13 Aug 00 - 08:08 AM
bill\sables 13 Aug 00 - 08:48 AM
Catrin 13 Aug 00 - 08:57 AM
Liz the Squeak 13 Aug 00 - 08:59 AM
Mary in Kentucky 13 Aug 00 - 01:55 PM
GUEST,Miss Piggy 13 Aug 00 - 02:01 PM
GUEST,Rich(stupidbodhranplayerwhodoesn'tknowbetter 13 Aug 00 - 02:22 PM
GUEST,Colwyn Dane 13 Aug 00 - 04:06 PM
GUEST 13 Aug 00 - 05:23 PM
GUEST,kendall 13 Aug 00 - 05:29 PM
Bernard 13 Aug 00 - 05:38 PM
CarolC 14 Aug 00 - 03:28 AM
Bernard 14 Aug 00 - 01:01 PM
GUEST,Rich(stupidbodhranplayerwhodoesn'tknowbetter 14 Aug 00 - 03:00 PM
Bud Savoie 14 Aug 00 - 04:00 PM
Bernard 14 Aug 00 - 04:24 PM
Melani 14 Aug 00 - 05:57 PM
Biskit 14 Aug 00 - 07:56 PM
mactheturk 14 Aug 00 - 09:21 PM
GUEST,Rich(stupidbodhranplayerwhodoesn'tknowbetter 14 Aug 00 - 10:33 PM
mactheturk 14 Aug 00 - 10:56 PM
Mark Clark 15 Aug 00 - 12:18 AM
Auxiris 15 Aug 00 - 05:24 AM
Bud Savoie 15 Aug 00 - 07:12 AM
Bud Savoie 15 Aug 00 - 07:14 AM
Bud Savoie 15 Aug 00 - 07:15 AM
hesperis 15 Aug 00 - 08:36 AM
mactheturk 15 Aug 00 - 08:57 AM
oggie 15 Aug 00 - 05:01 PM
AllisonA(Animaterra) 15 Aug 00 - 05:09 PM
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Subject: Jokes about Musicians
From: mactheturk
Date: 12 Aug 00 - 03:33 PM

Click for the 'PermaThread™: List of all joke threads'


A father is talking to his son and the son says, "Dad when I grow up I'm going to be a musician".

The father replies, "Well, you can't have it both ways".

mac


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Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: cujimmy
Date: 12 Aug 00 - 03:46 PM

One evening on my way to a session, I parked my car, got out, and walked towards the pub where I remembered that I had left my banjo on the back seat of the car and forgot to lock the doors. So I ran back to the car and looked in the window - and realised I was too late - another 20 banjo's had been abandoned beside mine.


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Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: Catrin
Date: 12 Aug 00 - 03:52 PM

Question: How many folksingers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Answer: Four, one to change the bulb and the other three to sing about how good the old one was.


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Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: Mark Clark
Date: 12 Aug 00 - 03:56 PM

While working on "Black And Blue," Duke Ellington cut his orchestra off very suddenly in the middle of a rehearsal. "Why is the horn section playiing 'George Washington'?" he demanded to know. Came the reply, "But boss, you said play the bridge!"

      - Mark


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Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: GUEST,The gnome at home
Date: 12 Aug 00 - 03:56 PM

Q. if you throw a bodhran, a banjo and a melodeon of a cliff which will hit the bottom first?

A. Who cares???


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Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: mactheturk
Date: 12 Aug 00 - 04:07 PM

What is the difference between a musician and a 14-inch pizza?

A 14-inch pizza can feed a family of four....


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Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: Dee45
Date: 12 Aug 00 - 04:14 PM

Q. How does a musician make his car more aero-dynamic?

A. He removes the Dominoes' Pizza sign.



Q. Definition of an optimist?

A. A tiple player with a pager.


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Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: mactheturk
Date: 12 Aug 00 - 04:17 PM

What do you call a guitar player with half a brain?

A bass player.....


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Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: ol'troll
Date: 12 Aug 00 - 04:38 PM

This is really lame! Everyone knows that there are only two jokes about musicians.

All the rest are true.(snicker, snicker)

troll


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Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: Banjer
Date: 12 Aug 00 - 05:45 PM

Q.How can you tell a banjo player is on a level stage?

A.He drools from both sides of his mouth.

Q.What's the difference between a violin and a viola?

A.The viola burns longer.


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Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: Yo
Date: 12 Aug 00 - 07:03 PM

The teacher bugs little Joe all the time. And one day he asks; Joe, how do you get one hole in another? Joe thought about it for two days and still didn't know. Well, just put a ring in your mouth Joe, said the teacher. Little Joe didn't like it at all that his teacher outsmarted him again. So the next day he asks the teacher; How do you get nine holes in one other? No idea, said the teacher. Take a silver flute and shove it up your ass, Joe said. Yo.


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Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: Quincy
Date: 12 Aug 00 - 07:31 PM

I've always been musical myself, sure I was born with a drum in each ear!

I also came from a very musical family....even our sewing machine was a Singer!

Yvonne


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Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: Quincy
Date: 12 Aug 00 - 08:06 PM

A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears some music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source. He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads: Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827. Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward! Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him. By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backward. Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward. The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th. By the next day the word has spread and a throng has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward. Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group. Someone in the crowd asks him if he has an explanation for the music.
"Oh, it's nothing to worry about" says the caretaker. "He's just decomposing!"

Yvonne


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Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: Quincy
Date: 12 Aug 00 - 08:19 PM

Mac,

Have just found one enormous collection of "musician jokes". Can't do the click thing so here's the address!

http://home.earthlink.net/~midiron/jokes1.html

Enjoy!! best wishes, Yvonne


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Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: Little Hawk
Date: 12 Aug 00 - 11:12 PM

What's the difference between a dead skunk in the middle of the road, and a dead folksinger in the middle of the road?

The skunk was on his way to a paying gig!

What's the difference between a fiddle player and a dog?

The dog knows when to stop scratching.

How does a lead singer change a light bulb?

He just holds onto it and lets the world revolve around him.


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Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: Downeast Bob
Date: 12 Aug 00 - 11:25 PM

Q. How many bluegrass musicians does it take to change a lightbulb?

A. Thousands. One to actually change the bulb and the rest to argue about how Bill Monroe would have done it.


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Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: Melani
Date: 12 Aug 00 - 11:29 PM

Three guys died and went to heaven, where they were interviewed by St. Peter to determine their fitness to enter the Pearly Gates. "How much money did you make in you entire life?" he asked the first one. "Oh, many, many millions," was the answer. "And what did you do for a living?" "I was a corporate CEO."

"How much money did you make in your life?" St. Peter asked the second one. "Oh, maybe a couple million all together," was the reply. "And what did you do for a living?" "I sold insurance."

"And how much money did you make in your entire life?" St. Peter asked the third. "In my whole life, I think I might have made about $3000.00" "Oh, really?" said St. Peter. "What instrument did you play?"


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Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: Banjer
Date: 13 Aug 00 - 06:30 AM

I heard a similar story to Downeast Bob's. The punchline being that at least one of the pickers would have said, "That ain't the Earl did it"!

Q. What's the difference between a motorcycle and a banjo?

A. You can tune a motorcycle!

Q. What's the difference between a leaf rake and a banjo?

A. Your wife gets mad if the neighbors borrow the rake and don't return it.

Q. A guitar player and a banjo player both fall off a balcony at the top of a skyscraper at the same time. Which one will hit the ground first?

A. The guitar player. The banjo player will have to stop and retune at least once on the way down.

Actually, the term 'banjo tuning' is an oxymoron!


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Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: GUEST,alanabit@web.de
Date: 13 Aug 00 - 06:44 AM

Question: What's the difference betweenchewing gum and a singer? Answer: You can get chewing gum off a mirror. Question: What's the difference between a prostitute and an Irish Pub musician? Answer: The prostitute demands money before she gets.... Question: What's the difference between a singer songwriter and a hypnotist? Answer: A hypnotist can wake up the people he has sent to sleep.


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Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: death by whisky
Date: 13 Aug 00 - 08:06 AM

What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians ?

A bodhran player !


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Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: Naemanson
Date: 13 Aug 00 - 08:08 AM

What's the difference between a puppy and a singer/songwriter?

Eventually the puppy stops whining.


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Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: bill\sables
Date: 13 Aug 00 - 08:48 AM

98% of melodeon players give the others a bad name


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Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: Catrin
Date: 13 Aug 00 - 08:57 AM

What do you get if you drop a piano down a coal pit?

A flat minor.


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Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 13 Aug 00 - 08:59 AM

Roll it down an army barracks and you get A flat Major...

LTS


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Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: Mary in Kentucky
Date: 13 Aug 00 - 01:55 PM

The symphony orchestra was performing Beethoven's Ninth. In the piece, there's a long passage, about 20 minutes, during which the bass violinists have nothing to do. Rather than sit around that whole time looking stupid, some bassists decided to sneak offstage and go to the tavern next door for a quick one. After slamming several beers in quick succession, one of them looked at his watch and said, "Hey! We need to get back!" "No need to panic," said a fellow bassist. "I thought we might need some extra time, so I tied the last few pages of the conductor's score together with string. It'll take him a few minutes to get it untangled." A few moments later they staggered back to the concert hall and took their places in the orchestra. About this time, a member of the audience noticed the conductor seemed a bit edgy and said as much to her companion. "Well, of course," said her companion. "Don't you see? It's the bottom of the Ninth, the score is tied, and the bassists are loaded."


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Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: GUEST,Miss Piggy
Date: 13 Aug 00 - 02:01 PM

Difference between a musician and a pig?

A pig wouldn't stay up all night to screw a musician.


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Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: GUEST,Rich(stupidbodhranplayerwhodoesn'tknowbetter
Date: 13 Aug 00 - 02:22 PM

How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
None. The keyboard player can do it with his left hand.
How many banjo players?
four, one to change it and three to complain that it's electric.
How many drummers?
NOne they have a machine to do that now.
How do you know when a singer is at your door?
You don't. She can't find the key and doesn't know when to come in anyway.

A man is visiting Chinatown when he comes upon a curios little shop. He goes in and, amongst the many bizarre things on the shelves, he sees a golden rat. He asks "how much?" and is told "$100 with the story that goes with it or $25 without". the man figures he really doesn't need the story, so he pays the $25 and leaves with the rat. He doesn't get very far when he starts to hear a faint sort of rustling sound. He pays it no mind but it starts to get stronger...and louder...and closer! He turns around to see an army of rats chasing him, with more joining every minute! He runs but alas, they're gaining on him and soon every rat in the city is on his heels! in desperation he throws the golden rat off the Fisherman's Wharf. The rats all follw into the bay and drown. He goes back to the store. The shopkeeper says "I figured you'd be back. Would you like to pay for the story now?" The man replies "NO, but how much for that golden accordian?"

Rich


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Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: GUEST,Colwyn Dane
Date: 13 Aug 00 - 04:06 PM

G'day,

Attributed to Thomas Beecham. To a cellist:

"Madam, you have between your legs an instrument capable of giving pleasure to thousands
- and all you can do is scratch it."

Toodle-pip.


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Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: GUEST
Date: 13 Aug 00 - 05:23 PM

drummer, tired of being bugged, decided to learn a real instrument, went to a store, and said to the clerk, "I want to buy that red trumpet, and that accordian." the clerk said, "I'll sell you the fire extinguisher, but, the radiator stays."


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Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: GUEST,kendall
Date: 13 Aug 00 - 05:29 PM

What do they do when the second violinist dies? They move him back one chair.


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Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: Bernard
Date: 13 Aug 00 - 05:38 PM

Difference between a drummer and a drum machine?

About half a beat...


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Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: CarolC
Date: 14 Aug 00 - 03:28 AM

You're in a boat with a lion, a tiger, and a tiple player. You have a gun with only two bullets. What do you do?

Shoot the tiple player twice.


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Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: Bernard
Date: 14 Aug 00 - 01:01 PM

Difference between a bodhran player and a yoghurt?

The yoghurt has developed a culture...


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Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: GUEST,Rich(stupidbodhranplayerwhodoesn'tknowbetter
Date: 14 Aug 00 - 03:00 PM

What's the definition if perfect pitch?
The sound of a clarinet splintering as it pierces an accordian and a banjo!

Did you hear about the banjo that was so far out of tune that some of the other banjo players started to notice?

Why do Scottish pipers march when they play?
2 answers 1: to get away from the noise. and 2: A moving target is harder to hit.

What do you get when you throw a banjo, an accordion, and a hammered dulcimer of the Empire State Building at the same time?
Thunderous applause!

How do you get a fiddler to slow down?
Put sheet music in front of him.

How do you tell banjo tunes apart?
The names are different!

What do you get when you put 6 banjo players in a circle?
A full set of teeth.

A fiddler walks into a booth at a Highlands Games competition and tells a large, kilted gentleman "Wait til you hear this great new bagpipe joke that I heard this morning!" The man replies "Before you tell it you should that I play the Bagpipes, That guy over there throwing the hammer plays the pipes, and my brother pulling that cart over there, plays as well. Now do you still want to tell your joke?" "Not if I'm gonna have to explain it three times!"

Here's one to play next time a hammer dulcimer player comes to your session. When he or she gets a note for one string and goes off in a corner to get in tune with every one else, everyone tune up or down just a hair.

I shouldn't pick on hammer dulcimers though. They sound absolutely beautiful.............if you turn them over and clog on them!

I'm sorry I don't have any bodhran jokes to offer. MOst of the ones I've heard have already been taken either as bodhran jokes or as other instrument jokes.

Cheers,
Rich


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Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: Bud Savoie
Date: 14 Aug 00 - 04:00 PM

Rich, nobody's going to put a bodhran-player joke on this thread. It's supposed to be about musicians.


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Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: Bernard
Date: 14 Aug 00 - 04:24 PM

Tenuous link...

Why do Morris dancers wear bells?

To annoy the blind as well as the deaf...


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Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: Melani
Date: 14 Aug 00 - 05:57 PM

Q: What goes "jingle, jingle--boom! jingle, jingle--Boom!" A: Morris dancers in a minefield.


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Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: Biskit
Date: 14 Aug 00 - 07:56 PM

Whatcha call a musician without a girlfriend?????? homeless. -Biskit-


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Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: mactheturk
Date: 14 Aug 00 - 09:21 PM

Q. How many bluegrass musicians does it take to change a light bulb?

A. Five... one to change the bulb and four to complain that it's electric.


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Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: GUEST,Rich(stupidbodhranplayerwhodoesn'tknowbetter
Date: 14 Aug 00 - 10:33 PM

Bud, i regularly hear that from some friends at local sessions and ceilis. Of course one plays the bodhran with the 4 stringed tumor that inevitably leads to delusions of grandeur about a banjo being anything more than a drum. I consider the source.
rich


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Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: mactheturk
Date: 14 Aug 00 - 10:56 PM

Q. Why do drummers leave drumsticks on the dashboard of their car?

A. So they can use the handicap parking.


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Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: Mark Clark
Date: 15 Aug 00 - 12:18 AM

"Our band has a fiddle player that can really make that thing talk."
"Really? What does it say?"
"It says 'Take your hands off me!'"


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Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: Auxiris
Date: 15 Aug 00 - 05:24 AM

Q: What do you do with a dead banjo player?

A: Skin him/her and make a bodran.

cheers,

Aux


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Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: Bud Savoie
Date: 15 Aug 00 - 07:12 AM

Aha! Now we're starting to get some bodhran jokes. Keep 'em coming. And by the way, Rich, it's hard to insult a banjo player. We tell more of the jokes than anyone else.


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Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: Bud Savoie
Date: 15 Aug 00 - 07:14 AM

What do you do if you run over a banjo picker in your pickup?

A: Back up.

What's the difference between a bodhran player and a podiatrist?

A: The podiatrist bucks up the feet.


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Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: Bud Savoie
Date: 15 Aug 00 - 07:15 AM

Shoot! I did it again!


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Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: hesperis
Date: 15 Aug 00 - 08:36 AM

As I have more experience with orchestral music than folk,
I couldn't resist posting this one...

What's the difference between a Horn player and a Seamstress?
.
.
.
.
.
.
The seamstress tucks the frills.

~*sirepseh*~


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Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: mactheturk
Date: 15 Aug 00 - 08:57 AM

Q. Why are bagpipe players always walking?

A. To get away from that sound.


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Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: oggie
Date: 15 Aug 00 - 05:01 PM

Why do bands have bass players?

To translate for the drummer!

Steve


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Subject: RE: Jokes about Musicians
From: AllisonA(Animaterra)
Date: 15 Aug 00 - 05:09 PM

Shortest joke in the world:

A morris dancer passes by a pub...


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