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BS: All time classic jokes

Jim Dixon 21 May 02 - 02:00 PM
Mr Happy 21 May 02 - 12:33 PM
Alaska Mike 21 May 02 - 10:02 AM
GUEST,fogie 21 May 02 - 08:01 AM
Larkin 21 May 02 - 06:47 AM
dick greenhaus 20 May 02 - 11:40 PM
DMcG 20 May 02 - 08:28 AM
Mr Happy 20 May 02 - 07:25 AM
Bill D 28 Aug 00 - 10:41 PM
Dee45 28 Aug 00 - 07:18 PM
Bernard 28 Aug 00 - 06:25 PM
Elise 22 Aug 00 - 01:09 AM
Bernard 21 Aug 00 - 07:21 PM
Naemanson 21 Aug 00 - 05:22 PM
The Walrus at work 21 Aug 00 - 02:31 PM
Bernard 21 Aug 00 - 11:40 AM
GUEST,Fedele (still in Germany) 21 Aug 00 - 07:32 AM
Naemanson 20 Aug 00 - 04:45 PM
Pseudolus 19 Aug 00 - 01:28 PM
Quincy 19 Aug 00 - 05:49 AM
Helen 19 Aug 00 - 03:55 AM
Bernard 18 Aug 00 - 02:04 PM
hesperis 18 Aug 00 - 12:27 PM
Quincy 18 Aug 00 - 10:26 AM
jeffp 18 Aug 00 - 10:00 AM
Quincy 18 Aug 00 - 09:35 AM
Helen 18 Aug 00 - 08:37 AM
Helen 17 Aug 00 - 08:10 PM
Pseudolus 17 Aug 00 - 03:17 PM
Bernard 17 Aug 00 - 02:09 PM
hesperis 17 Aug 00 - 01:32 AM
CamiSu 17 Aug 00 - 12:59 AM
hesperis 16 Aug 00 - 11:05 PM
bflat 16 Aug 00 - 10:17 PM
Bernard 16 Aug 00 - 09:48 PM
Bernard 16 Aug 00 - 09:46 PM
Songster Bob 16 Aug 00 - 04:23 PM
Bernard 16 Aug 00 - 11:00 AM
P05139 16 Aug 00 - 08:49 AM
ol'troll 16 Aug 00 - 08:44 AM
CarolC 16 Aug 00 - 07:50 AM
Fedele 16 Aug 00 - 05:15 AM
GUEST,sajumikey 15 Aug 00 - 09:08 PM
Helen 15 Aug 00 - 07:35 PM
Pseudolus 15 Aug 00 - 04:14 PM
Naemanson 15 Aug 00 - 04:07 PM
Little Hawk 15 Aug 00 - 03:08 PM
Pseudolus 15 Aug 00 - 10:48 AM
mactheturk 15 Aug 00 - 08:49 AM
GUEST,Roger the skiffler 15 Aug 00 - 08:37 AM
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Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 21 May 02 - 02:00 PM

132 messages in one thread are too many. There is hardly any point in starting a new thread called " BS: All time classic jokes, part 2" since the jokes in this thread aren't classics, anyway. I suggest that anyone who wants to post another joke go to the thread called

PermaThread™: List of all joke threads.,


pick an appropriate thread from that list, and refresh it. Many of those threads are much shorter than 100 messages.


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Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes
From: Mr Happy
Date: 21 May 02 - 12:33 PM

i attended the manchester mc swaree last night in the jolly angler and someone [8 pints other half, sorry i forget your mc name :-)] told us a true story of a wedding she attended.

the happy couple had made a request for the church organist to play the theme from robin hood, prince of thieves, which contains a sentiment something like 'i do/give all o everything to you'

after the priest had finished the wedding ceremony, the newly weds turned to walk back down the aisle hand in hand; only then to be greeted with the organist's rendition of 'robin hood, robin hood, riding through the glen!'

wot a corker!!

mr happy


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Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes
From: Alaska Mike
Date: 21 May 02 - 10:02 AM

A skeleton walks into a bar. The barman asks, "What'll you have?" The skeleton says, "Give me a beer and a mop."


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Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes
From: GUEST,fogie
Date: 21 May 02 - 08:01 AM

I liked this one about Jimmy Shand. He was staying at a B&B after a gig, and woke hungry for breakfast. The landlady brought him a hardly adequate breakfast with small portions of everything. She came over to say that she kept her own cow for the butter and milk. Jimmy looked at the table and asked if he might have some toast and jam. When she brought it in it consisted of a slice of toast, and a minute pot of honey. Jimmy looked wryly at her and said " I see you also keep a bee".


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Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes
From: Larkin
Date: 21 May 02 - 06:47 AM

My favourite stupid joke is - A woman goes into a butchers shop and asks for half a pound of kidleys and the butcher says ' don't you mean kidneys' she says 'I said kidleys, diddle I '

Martin


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Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes
From: dick greenhaus
Date: 20 May 02 - 11:40 PM

Ineffable is good. I like "inscrutable", though.


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Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes
From: DMcG
Date: 20 May 02 - 08:28 AM

This is a music thread isn't it?

Roseberry to his lady said
"My hinny and my succour
Oh shall we do the thing ye ken
Or shall we take our supper?"

Wi' modest face, sae fu' o' grace
Replied the bonny lady
"My noble lord, do as you please
- but supper isna ready"

ABC:

L:1/8
K:A
E2 |EA AA AA Ac |BA GF G2 FE |EA AA AA Ac |
BA GF G2 FE |CB, B,C FE CA, |CB, CC/E/ F2 ED |CB, B,C/E/ F3/2A/ E/C/B,/A,/ |
CB, B,C/E/ FE z2 |]


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Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes
From: Mr Happy
Date: 20 May 02 - 07:25 AM

in the toilet of an office where i worked there was a sign saying,

'do not put tealeaves down here as they block the drains- please adhere to this notice'

mr happy


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Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes
From: Bill D
Date: 28 Aug 00 - 10:41 PM

...so, there was this well to do old farmer who managed to snare himself a pretty young wife. He was a likeable sort, and folks just shrugged. They knew she sort of expected to inherit a nice farm in a few years, but he knew what he wanted.

So, one day he was in town for his annual checkup, and told the doc he had a serious question.

"Doc, you know I ain't as young as I usta be, and them romantic feeling..*wink, wink* are a bit scarcer than they were 30 years ago...Now, when I'm plowing down in the south 40, sometimes I get the urge...but by the time I get back up to the house,I'm so tired it's gone again. You got any ideas?"

"Hmmmm, John", says the doc, "you know, your place is pretty isolated. Why don't you just take a blanket and your shotgun with you on the tractor, then when you feel in the mood, you can fire off the gun as a signal to Sally to come down to YOU!...She's a bit younger"

"Well, durn Doc, that's a fine idea! I'll try it!"

So....several months later, the doctor meets old John on the street, and can't resist asking..."Hey, John, how did that idea work out...about taking the blanket and shotgun down with you during plowing?"

"Waaal, you know, Doc....that worked pretty damn good...for about 2-3 weeks....then huntin' season started, and I ain't seen her since!"


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Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes
From: Dee45
Date: 28 Aug 00 - 07:18 PM

An elderly man goes into confession and says to the priest, "Father, I'm 80 years old, married, have four kids and 11 grandchildren, and last night had an affair and made love to two 18-year-old girls.
Both of them. Twice.

The priest said: "Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?"

"Never Father, I'm Jewish."

"So then, why are you telling me?"

"I'm telling everybody !!!!!!"


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Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes
From: Bernard
Date: 28 Aug 00 - 06:25 PM

An old folks home have started putting viagra in the mens' cocoa.

The cocoa helps them sleep, and the viagra stops them rolling out of bed...


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Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes
From: Elise
Date: 22 Aug 00 - 01:09 AM

Ok, in response to the last few jokes:

Have you heard they just put out a mixture of Ginko Biloba and Viagra? It's so you can remember what the f*** you're doing!

Two engineering students meet, and one asks the other where he got the new bicycle. The one with the bike answers, saying "A girl rode up on it, got off, threw off all of her clothes and told me to take whatever I wanted. So I took the bike." His friend answers "good choice, the clothes wouldn't have fit you."

An engineer was walking along one day, when he heard a voice call him from out of a pond. When he got close, he was amazed to discover the voice came from a frog! He picked the frog up, and the frog said "Kiss me and I'll turn into a beautiful princess." The engineer started to put the frog in his pocket, when the frog yelled "Wait, you didn't hear me, I'll turn into a beautiful, rich girl, and I'll be your girlfriend." The engineer looked at the frog and said "Nah, I don't have time for a girlfriend...but a talking frog, now that's cool!"


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Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes
From: Bernard
Date: 21 Aug 00 - 07:21 PM

Charlie goes into a chemist's shop. He asks the young assistant if they sell Viagra.

She blushes, and says they do.

'Can I get it over the counter?' he asks.

The assistant blushes even more.

'You'd probably need two or three tablets!' she gasps...


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Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes
From: Naemanson
Date: 21 Aug 00 - 05:22 PM

A mechanical engineer, an electrical engineer and a civil engineer are talking about God. The mechanical engineer says God is a mechanical engineer because of the design of the body. "Look at how the blood flows and the heart pumps, without a flaw for upwards of 100 years! He has to be a mechanical engineer!"

"No," says the electrical engineer. "He is an electrical engineer because of the nervous system. All that activity is run by a system so intricate yet so precise that it runs the whole system with incredibly tiny amounts of power."

The civil engineer thinks for a minute and then says, "I know you'll agree that He is a civil engineer. Consider the groin. Who else would run a waste disposal system through a major recreational area?"


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Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes
From: The Walrus at work
Date: 21 Aug 00 - 02:31 PM

A man goes to see his Doctor "Doctor, I want to be castrated" The doctor is shocked, "Do you know what you're asking for?" he asks? "Of course I do, Iwant to be castrated !" The doctor looks him straight in the eye and tells him to go home and think about for a week or so and if he still wants to be castrated, to come back. A week later, the man is back, "Doctor, I still want to be castrated", so the doctor arranges for him to be admited to hospital. In the hospital, the man is interviewed by the surgeon, but is adamant, that he wants to be castrated so the surgeon books him into the theatre for the next day. After the operation the man comes around on the side ward, to find another man in the next bed, reading. "What are you in for?" askes the newcomer, "I've just been castrated" "Blimey, I thought it was bad enough being circumcised" "Circumcised?...oh bugger it!....That was the word I was looking for!"

Walrus


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Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes
From: Bernard
Date: 21 Aug 00 - 11:40 AM

Garage mechanic rebuilds a car engine, and realises his customer is an eminent heart surgeon.

'Why,' he cheekily suggests, 'when we both do similar work, do you get paid so much more than I do?'

Quickly, the surgeon replies 'You don't work with the engine running!'


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Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes
From: GUEST,Fedele (still in Germany)
Date: 21 Aug 00 - 07:32 AM

From my brother, he´s a Computer Engineer.

Three engineers get into a car. The one who drives tries to start the engine, but it doesn´t work.
"I think it´s the engine", says the Mechanic Engineer.
"I think it´s something electronic", says the Electronic Engineer.
They turn to the Computer Engineer, who´s still thinking, and ask, "And you, what do you think about it?"
He thinks for another few seconds. Then:
"Ok, let´s try this. Let´s get out of the car, get in again, and retry to start."


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Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes
From: Naemanson
Date: 20 Aug 00 - 04:45 PM

What is the similarity between a banjo tune and a multimillion dollar lawsuit? No one is happy until the case is closed.


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Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes
From: Pseudolus
Date: 19 Aug 00 - 01:28 PM

Hesperis, Phew!! Awful I can take. A bad joke just gets a groan, an awful joke will get told again!! Take care...

Frank


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Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes
From: Quincy
Date: 19 Aug 00 - 05:49 AM

Helen and jeffp,

I'm gonna have to get the thesaurus out now aren't I??

Ineffable and insurmountable......I'm impressed!!

Well done!!!!!
best wishes, Yvonne


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Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes
From: Helen
Date: 19 Aug 00 - 03:55 AM

Quincy,

I once found a list of what was purported to be the hardest cryptic crossword clues in the world. One of my favourites was:

Q. She, too great for words, can never have children. A. Ineffable

Helen


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Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes
From: Bernard
Date: 18 Aug 00 - 02:04 PM

Fred went to visit his mate Charlie in hospital. As the operation was on his throat, Charlie was unable to talk, and was breathing through a tube.

Fred had only been there a few minutes, when Charlie began to get very excited, waving his arms about.

Fred couldn't understand the fuss, so gave Charlie a piece of paper and a pen to write with.

The message read 'You are standing on my air tube!'


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Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes
From: hesperis
Date: 18 Aug 00 - 12:27 PM

Pseudolus, I said "awful" not "bad". The jokes I mentioned were good, the subject matter...

Weeeeeeeeeeeeellllllllllllllllll,
    um...
No.

hesperis


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Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes
From: Quincy
Date: 18 Aug 00 - 10:26 AM

LOL. Jeffp you must have been there when the Murphy twins arrived later to give their definitions!!!!

Yvonne


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Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes
From: jeffp
Date: 18 Aug 00 - 10:00 AM

It could be that she's insurmountable and impenetrable!


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Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes
From: Quincy
Date: 18 Aug 00 - 09:35 AM

A conversation overheard in a bar....

"Tis a terrible thing, began Michael, but me dear darlin' wife is unable to have any children. Ah! She's inconceivable!"

"You've got it all wrong," interjected Sean. "It's not inconceivable that yer mean. What it is, is that she's impregnable!"

"No, no, no, you both of yers a mile wide!" says Patrick with definitive authority.
If the woman can't have any children at all, what yer wanting to say is that she's unbearable!!"

Yvonne


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Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes
From: Helen
Date: 18 Aug 00 - 08:37 AM

Sorry, ignore the last two lines - I forgot how the joke went and started rewriting it but forgot to delete the bits that were wrong. How to spoil a joke!! Also, this one may not work so well in written form.

This is how it should read:

Two men are sitting at a bar talking.

Jack: "L-l-l-lovely, w-w-weather l-l-late-l-ly."

Jim: "Y-y-y-yes, s-s-s-strange f-f-for th-th-this t-t-time of y-y-year."

Jack: "Y-y-you r-r-ready f-f-for an-n-nother d-d-drink?"

Jim: "Y-y-yes, it's m-m-my sh-sh-shout" so he turns to the bartender and says "Two beers, thanks mate"

Jack says indignantly, "Are y-y-you t-t-taking th-th-the m-m-mickey out of m-m-me?"

Jim: "N-n-n-no, I'm t-t-taking the m-m-mickey out of h-h-him."


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Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes
From: Helen
Date: 17 Aug 00 - 08:10 PM

Songster Bob,

Another one for you:

Two men are sitting at a bar talking.

Jack: "L-l-l-lovely, w-w-weather l-l-late-l-ly."

Jim: "Y-y-y-yes, s-s-s-strange f-f-for th-th-this t-t-time of y-y-year."

Jack: "Y-y-you r-r-ready f-f-for an-n-nother d-d-drink?"

Jim: "Y-y-yes, it's m-m-my sh-sh-shout" so he turns to the bartender and says "Two beers, thanks mate"

Jack says indignantly, "Are y-y-you t-t-taking th-th-the m-m-mickey out of m-m-me?"

Jim: "N-n-n-no, I'm t-t-taking the m-m-mickey out of h-h-him."

and one orders the first drinks, "T-t-t-two b-b-beers, th-th-thanks, m-m-mate!'

They drink the first lot and the second man orders,


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Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes
From: Pseudolus
Date: 17 Aug 00 - 03:17 PM

Helen, loved the worm joke!

Hesperis, Bad jokes? I'm crushed..... I mean, it's true but I'm still crushed!! :)

I need to try to redeem myself, how's this....

A devoted wife had spent her lifetime taking care of her husband. Now he was slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side...You know what?"

What dear?" She asks gently.

I think you're bad luck."

Frank


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Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes
From: Bernard
Date: 17 Aug 00 - 02:09 PM

Jock?

Aye, Lassie?

Whit's under yer kilt?

Och, stick her hand up and find oot!

Och, Jock, it's gruesome!

Stick yer hand up again, lassie, and ye'll find it's grew some more...


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Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes
From: hesperis
Date: 17 Aug 00 - 01:32 AM

Oh, shheeeeshh!
I just remembered my ALL-TIME favorite funny story. Must-post, must-read!
(I'm going to have to find a clean joke now, or my rep will be in the gutter... Along with my mind...)

This
is
the
story
of
Coyote Dick

(From 'Women Who Run With The Wolves' by Clarissa Pinkola Estés.)

Once upon a time there was Coyote Dick, and he was both the smartest and the dumbest creature you could ever hope to meet. He was always hungry for something, and always playing tricks on people to get what he wanted, and any other time he was always sleeping.

Well, one day while Coyote Dick was sleeping, his penis got really bored and decided to leave Coyote and have an adventure on its own. So the penis disattached itself from Coyote Dick and ran down the road. Actually it hopped down the road, having just one leg and all.

So it hopped and it hopped, and it was having a good time and it hopped off the road and out into the woods, where---Oh no!---it hopped right into a grove of stinging nettles. "Ouch!" it cried. "Ow, ow, ow!" it screetched. "Help! Help!"

The sound of all this crying woke Coyote Dick, and when he reached down to start his heart with the accustomed crank, it was gone! Coyote Dick ran down the road holding himself between the legs, and finally came upon his penis in the worst trouble you can imagine. Gently, Coyote Dick lifted his adventurous penis out of the nettles, patted him and soothed him down, and put him back where he belonged.

*

*

*

Well, the real ending of this story is the moral.

The moral is - I don' know if I can write this here, it's really bad!

The moral is - damn, I'm laghing too hard to type it!

The moral is that those nettles,
even once Coyote Dick got out of them,
made his cock itch like crazy forever after.

And that is why men are always sliding up to women,
and wanting to rub up against them with that "I'm so itchy" look in their eyes.
You know, that universal cock has been itching
ever since the first time it ever ran away.

So, which ending didja find the most funny?

~*sirepseh*~


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Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes
From: CamiSu
Date: 17 Aug 00 - 12:59 AM

Remembered this one last night, and I probably really only have to post the punch line, but just in case...

Three women of the village were leaving the dance when they came upon one of the men lying in the ditch with his kilt over his head. The two older women both looked and said "Not my husband". Then the youngest lass comes up to look and says "Why he's not even from our village!"

Also from my tall kilt wearing friend.

What's worn under your kilt?

Nothing, lass. It's all in perfect working order!


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Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes
From: hesperis
Date: 16 Aug 00 - 11:05 PM

If Little Hawk and Pseudolus can post those awful jokes, I am posting this to represent the half of humanity on the other side of the bed...

... Figuratively speaking. *BG*

---------------------------------------------
A new two-year degree is being offered at the community college that many of you should be interested in:

"Becoming a Real Man"

That's right, in just six semesters, you too can be a real man AND earn an MA degree (Male Arts) as well.

Please take a moment to look over the program outline.

FIRST YEAR
Semester One:
MEN 101 Combating Stupidity
MEN 102 You, Too, Can Do Housework
MEN 103 PMS-Learn When to Keep Your Mouth Shut
MEN 104 We Do Not Want Sleazy Underthings for Christmas
MEN 110 Wonderful Laundry Techniques
Plus one elective (see below)

Semester Two:
MEN 111 Understanding the Female Response to Getting in at 4am.
MEN 112 Parenting: It Doesn't End with Conception
EAT 100 Get a Life, Learn to Cook
EAT 101 Get a Life, Learn to Cook II
Plus Two electives (see below)

Semester Three:
ECON 101A What's Hers Is Hers
ECON 101B What's His Is Hers
ECON 101C What's Theirs Is Hers
MEN 120 How NOT to Act Like a Buttface When You're Wrong
MEN 121 Understanding Your Incompetence

Semester Four:
MEN 122 YOU, the Weaker Sex
MEN 123 Reasons to Give Flowers
ECON 001C What WAS Yours is Hers Too
SEX 101 You CAN Fall Asleep without It
SEX 102 Morning Dilemma: If It's Awake, Take a Shower

Semester Five:
SEX 103 How to Stay Awake After Sex
MEN 201 How to Put the Toilet Seat Down
MEN 210 The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency
MEN 211 How to Not Act Younger than Your Children
MEN 212 You, Too, Can Be a Designated Driver
MEN 213 Honest, You Don't Look Like Tom Cruise

Semester Six:
MEN 230A Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important I
MEN 220 Omitting %&*! from Your Vocabulary (Pass/Fail Only)
MEN 221 Fluffing the Blanket After Farting Is Not Necessary
MEN 222 Real Men Ask for Directions
MEN 223 Thirty Minutes of Begging is NOT Considered Foreplay
MEN 230B Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important II

Course Electives:
EAT 101 Cooking with Tofu
EAT 102 Utilization of Eating Utensils
EAT 103 Burping and Belching Discreetly
MEN 231 Mothers-in-law
MEN 232 Appear to Be Listening
MEN 233 Just Say "Yes, Dear"
ECON 001C Cheaper to Keep Her


--------- End Forwarded Message ---------

I wanted the 101 spot for this! ::Pout::

~*sirepseh*~


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Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes
From: bflat
Date: 16 Aug 00 - 10:17 PM

Bernard, Holy Mackerel! That was a whale of a joke!

Love,

Shelley Altuna, PA


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Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes
From: Bernard
Date: 16 Aug 00 - 09:48 PM

Looks like I get the hundred!

What about the crab who went to a dance and pulled a mussel?


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Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes
From: Bernard
Date: 16 Aug 00 - 09:46 PM

One day two prawns called Jack & Christian were happily trawling along on the bottom of the ocean when a large shark swam by. Jack turned to Christian and said 'I wish I was one of them'.

Lo and behold the fairy Godcrab turned up and said 'Your wish is granted' and turned Jack into a shark.

Jack was delighted and for a few weeks was happy cruising the ocean eating his friends and enemies alike until he suddenly realised that he was lonely. He had eaten most of his friends and those he hadn't eaten were avoiding him.

He wished as hard as he could to be the way he was before and the Fairy Godcrab heard him and again granted his wish.

As fast as he could Jack hurried to find his friend Christian who was hiding in a large shell. Jack knocked on the shell but his friend shouted 'No! Go away! You'll eat me!'

'No,no I won't' replied Jack, 'It's alright, I'm a prawn again, Christian'.!!!


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Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes
From: Songster Bob
Date: 16 Aug 00 - 04:23 PM

Two guys were out walking. One of them, who had a stuttering problem, said,

"H-h-h-ey! L-l-l-look at that M-m-m-m-m-maserati!"

"Where?" said his friend.

"Oh, it's g-g-g-gone now."

Later, it was, "W-w-w-wow! L-l-l-l-l-look at the t-t-t-t-tits on that w-w-w-woman!"

"Where?"

"Oh, she's g-g-g-gone now."

"Damn!"

Finally, "D-d-d-did y-y-y-ou s-s-s-see...?"

"I saw it, I saw it!"

"Then wh-wh-wh-why d-d-d-d-did y-y-you s-s-step in it?"

- - - -

I like this one because the guy with the "handicap" isn't the butt of the joke, while the "normal" guy, who is impatient with his friend, gets stuck.

Bob Clayton


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Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes
From: Bernard
Date: 16 Aug 00 - 11:00 AM

What's yellow and white and travels at 100mph?

Train driver's egg butty!

(That's 'sandwich' for you Colonials...)


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Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes
From: P05139
Date: 16 Aug 00 - 08:49 AM

Kids joke: What goes "Now you see me, now you don't"?

A black cat on a zebra crossing!


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Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes
From: ol'troll
Date: 16 Aug 00 - 08:44 AM

Tee-shirt: I am a bomb technician. If you see me running, try to keep up." (grin)

troll


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Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes
From: CarolC
Date: 16 Aug 00 - 07:50 AM

A male friend of mine picked up a female hitch-hiker on a country road out in the middle of nowhere. As these things sometimes happen, they ended up in the back of his van, enjoying each other's company.

Part way through their activities, she reaches out the window, breaks off the radio antenna and starts whacking him across the back with it. He figures, "Ok, so she's a little kinky". He decides not to worry about it and they get on with the fun.

A couple of days later, my friend goes to the doctor's office for a routine examination. The doctor sees the welts on his back, shakes his head sympathetically, and says, "Man, that's the worst case of van-aerial desease I've ever seen".


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Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes
From: Fedele
Date: 16 Aug 00 - 05:15 AM

A man drives his car in the countryside, he passes over a farm, he sees a group of sheeps and a man is having sex with one of the sheeps!
So he quickly drives to the farm and he knocks at the door. A child opens the door.
"Hey, boy, there´s a man fucking one of your sheeps!

"Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeah, thaaaaaaat´s my daaaaaaaaaad!"

(Don´t know how to tell jokes in English, but I think it´s cool...)


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Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes
From: GUEST,sajumikey
Date: 15 Aug 00 - 09:08 PM

A man came to where I work for a job, the interview went well until at the end the interviewee says " Look I must tell you that I had testicular cancer and had to have them both removed" and the boss say's "No problem, come in at 10 tomorrow and you'll be fine" So the other man say's "but I thought it was a six oclock start here" and the boss says " It is but the lads only stand around and scratch their balls for the first four hours"


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Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes
From: Helen
Date: 15 Aug 00 - 07:35 PM

For Pseudolus:

A woodworm goes into a bar and asks "Is the bartender here?"


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Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes
From: Pseudolus
Date: 15 Aug 00 - 04:14 PM

A similar yoke......

What food can you feed a woman to totally take away her sex drive? Wedding Cake!

Frank


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Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes
From: Naemanson
Date: 15 Aug 00 - 04:07 PM

The rumors are true! At least in my experience....

Safe to say this, we divorced five years ago!


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Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes
From: Little Hawk
Date: 15 Aug 00 - 03:08 PM

How do you get a woman to stop bugging you for sex all the time?

Marry her!

(Don't blame me for this one...I have never been married, technically speaking. But I have heard rumours...)


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Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes
From: Pseudolus
Date: 15 Aug 00 - 10:48 AM

Two guys walk into a bar, you'd think one of 'em woulda seen it!!

A skeleton walks into a bar. Orders a beer and a mop...

Frank


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Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes
From: mactheturk
Date: 15 Aug 00 - 08:49 AM

A man hears a knock at his door. Upon opening the door he sees a snail on his porch. So the man picks up the snail and tosses it into the garden.

Two years later he hears a knock on the door. He opens the door and there's the same snail, who says "What was that all about?"


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Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes
From: GUEST,Roger the skiffler
Date: 15 Aug 00 - 08:37 AM

Cut 'n' pasted from today's Independent

How many nationalities can you offend in one joke?

On a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere, the following people are stranded:

2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman 2 French men and 1 French woman 2 German men and 1 German woman 2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman 2 English men and 1 English woman 2 Polish men and 1 Polish woman 2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman 2 American men and 1 American woman 2 Australian men and 1 Australian woman 2 New Zealand men and 1 New Zealand woman 2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman

One month later, the following things have occurred:

One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman. The two French men and the French woman are living happily together having loads of sex. The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they alternate with the German woman. The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them. The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman. The Polish men took a long look at the endless ocean and one look at the Polish woman and they started swimming. The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide, while the American woman keeps on bitching about her body being her own, the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything that they can do, about the necessity of fulfilment, the equal division of household chores, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her much nicer and how her relationship with her mother is improving. But at least the taxes here are low and it is not raining. The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are waiting for instructions. The two Australian men beat each other senseless fighting over the Australian woman, who is checking out all the other men, after calling them both 'bloody wankers". Both New Zealand men are searching the island for sheep. The Irish began by dividing the island into North and South and setting up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few litres of coconut whiskey, but they are satisfied in that at least the English aren't getting any
RtS


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