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BS: A joke to share

GUEST,Roger in Baltimore 20 May 00 - 11:40 AM
mactheturk 20 May 00 - 12:15 PM
paddymac 20 May 00 - 01:13 PM
mactheturk 20 May 00 - 01:56 PM
Rick Fielding 20 May 00 - 02:36 PM
GUEST,Roger in Baltimore 20 May 00 - 03:24 PM
Rick Fielding 20 May 00 - 03:39 PM
zander (inactive) 20 May 00 - 03:45 PM
Jon Freeman 20 May 00 - 03:57 PM
Rick Fielding 20 May 00 - 04:07 PM
MK 20 May 00 - 05:11 PM
Mooh 20 May 00 - 05:58 PM
Mooh 20 May 00 - 06:02 PM
Abby Sale 20 May 00 - 10:46 PM
Rick Fielding 20 May 00 - 11:32 PM
paddyc 20 May 00 - 11:39 PM
GUEST,Embarassed 21 May 00 - 01:29 AM
Jeri 21 May 00 - 09:48 AM
GUEST,Roger in Baltimore 21 May 00 - 09:51 AM
bbelle 21 May 00 - 10:44 AM
kendall 21 May 00 - 12:36 PM
MK 21 May 00 - 12:51 PM
bbelle 21 May 00 - 01:00 PM
GUEST,Tasteless 21 May 00 - 01:00 PM
bbelle 21 May 00 - 01:17 PM
Jeri 21 May 00 - 01:43 PM
bbelle 21 May 00 - 01:53 PM
Micca 21 May 00 - 02:19 PM
kendall 21 May 00 - 05:45 PM
GUEST,poobah891 21 May 00 - 08:20 PM
GUEST 21 May 00 - 08:35 PM
Chocolate Pi 21 May 00 - 09:55 PM
Rick Fielding 21 May 00 - 10:13 PM
bbelle 21 May 00 - 10:30 PM
MK 21 May 00 - 10:48 PM
Chanteyranger 21 May 00 - 11:18 PM
bbelle 21 May 00 - 11:30 PM
paddymac 22 May 00 - 12:37 AM
Melani 22 May 00 - 12:55 AM
kendall 22 May 00 - 06:55 AM
GUEST 22 May 00 - 07:49 AM
GUEST,Mrr 22 May 00 - 11:19 AM
Midchuck 22 May 00 - 12:57 PM
BlueJay 22 May 00 - 03:06 PM
catspaw49 22 May 00 - 04:27 PM
GUEST,Christine 22 May 00 - 04:37 PM
MK 22 May 00 - 04:59 PM
Chanteyranger 23 May 00 - 02:00 AM
kendall 23 May 00 - 08:34 AM
GUEST,me 23 May 00 - 10:10 AM
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Subject: A joke to share
From: GUEST,Roger in Baltimore
Date: 20 May 00 - 11:40 AM

Click for the 'PermaThread™: List of all joke threads'


I saw Michael Smith last night, the uncommon singer-songwriter with the most common name. It was a magical evening for me. I could not resist passing on this joke he told from the stage.

Sam has written a song and he wants to record it. He thinks it's a potential hit. He doesn't have much money so he goes to Cheapo Records to make the CD. He finds the studio in a questionable part of town and up two flights of rickety stairs.

He talks to the "Producer" who seems to be an especially greasy character. Sam is assured that Cheapo Records can make him an excellent CD.

Producer: "First we'll get Previn to conduct the session."

Sam: "Andre Previn?"

Prod: "No, Stanislav Previn. He's a cousin of mine. But he can conduct. His timing is off occasionally, but he's pretty good. Besides that, he's a nice guy, I think you'll like working with him. And he works real cheap."

"We'll get Mc Cartney for bass."

Sam: "Paul Mc Cartney?"

Prod: "No, Sam Mc Cartney. He's played for me before. His intonation is a little off and he sometimes misses a beat. But he's a great guy and I'm sure you'll be happy working with him. And he works for peanuts."

"We'll get Clapton for guitar."

Sam: "Eric Clapton?"

Prod: "No, Sam Clapton. He only plays part-time. He's a plumber by day and a guitar player by night. Sometimes he's a little out of tune and he tends to break strings, but he's a nice guy. You're going to like working with him and he doesn't charge much."

"We'll get Manilow to do back up vocals."

Sam: "Barry Manilow?"

Prod: "Yeah, Barry Manilow."



This is one of those jokes that separates your audience by taste.

Enjoy!!!!

Roger in Baltimore (on yet another phantom computer)


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Subject: RE: BS: A joke to share
From: mactheturk
Date: 20 May 00 - 12:15 PM

A struggling Folksinger went to a doctor and reported on his condition, saying, "Doc, I can't go to the bathroom."

Writing out a prescription, the doctor said, "These pills will do the job."

The Folksinger left but returned a week later. "Doctor, I still haven't gone to the bathroom."

The doctor wrote a second prescription. "These are stronger. The should do the trick."

A week later the Folksinger came back, still with bad news. The doctor looked at him and said,"What do you do for a living?"

"I'm a folksinger."

"Why didn't you tell me before?" With that, the doctor wrote out another prescription....FOR FOOD !!


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Subject: RE: BS: A joke to share
From: paddymac
Date: 20 May 00 - 01:13 PM

Well, I had a mind to "tell" a riotous joke I heard a few days ago, but I don't want to be the one to drag this lovely thread to the gutter so soon.


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Subject: RE: BS: A joke to share
From: mactheturk
Date: 20 May 00 - 01:56 PM

It was the Irish who invented the bagpipe. A couple years later, they gave it to the Scots and told them it was a musical instrument...

sorry...clean, music jokes are tough...


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Subject: RE: BS: A joke to share
From: Rick Fielding
Date: 20 May 00 - 02:36 PM

Great joke Rog. Had a long talk with someone a few days ago about why some folks don't think this kind of joke is funny. I used my prime example of "musician's humour":

Guy goes to a bar, gets into a great conversation about nuclear physics with another guy....says: "Hey, you are REALLY smart, what's yer IQ"? "200" say the guy.

Same guy gets into another conversation with someone else about philosophy. "Geez yer pretty smart" he says, "what's YOUR IQ"? "Oh, about 150" says the guy.

Later in the night, the same guy is standing around and sees someone else. "Excuse me" he says, feeling a bit playful, "What's your IQ"? The other guy says "Ummm, about 50". "Hey, what kinda strings do you use"? says the first guy.

I actually had someone (not a musician, obviously) get VERY ANGRY with me regarding that joke, and they demanded an explanation of why it was funny. Tough chore. If it happens in the future, I'd better brush up on the definition of "irony".

Rick


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Subject: RE: BS: A joke to share
From: GUEST,Roger in Baltimore
Date: 20 May 00 - 03:24 PM

It is the absurd quality that some folks object to in humor. Especially when it's self-deprecating humor like Rick's joke about IQ.

A musician passes away in his sleep. He awakes and finds himself in the studio. He sees Willie Dixon over in the corner testing out a new bass. Jimi Hendrix and Duane Allman are over in the corner tuning up their guitars. Janis Joplin, John Lennon, and Elvis Presley are loudly exercising their vocal chords. He thinks to himself, "This must be music heaven."

Just then Karen Carpenter comes into the studio. She sits down behind the drum kit and says, "OK, let's take it again from the top: 'We've only just begun.'"

Big RiB


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Subject: RE: BS: A joke to share
From: Rick Fielding
Date: 20 May 00 - 03:39 PM

ROGER, THAT IS FUCKING* PRICELESS!

Rick

* I promise not to swear again this year.


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Subject: RE: BS: A joke to share
From: zander (inactive)
Date: 20 May 00 - 03:45 PM

How many folk singers doe's it take to change a light bulb? Answer: five, one to change the bulb and four to sing about how good the old one was. Well at least it's not dirty. peace and love, Dave


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Subject: RE: BS: A joke to share
From: Jon Freeman
Date: 20 May 00 - 03:57 PM

Rick, out of curiosity, what conclusion did you reach in your conversation?

Jon

(who finds "musician's humour" funny)


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Subject: RE: BS: A joke to share
From: Rick Fielding
Date: 20 May 00 - 04:07 PM

Jon. Truthfully, I just gave up. The person was almost crying they were so angry. She kept saying things like "Rick, you're NOT stupid..why do you keep criticizing yourself, etc. etc.?" When someone misses the point or the irony or the humour by THAT much, there ain't nuthin' you can do.

The only analogy I can think of is when someone is talking "computer-eeze" to me. I just DON'T relate......but I don't get mad either.

Rick


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Subject: RE: BS: A joke to share
From: MK
Date: 20 May 00 - 05:11 PM

I once got a call from a hyper musician friend, who was expecting delivery of a reconditioned Steinway Baby Grand that he'd been waiting months for.

When it finally arrived he spent the entire day and night trying to debate where to put it in his home and I guess out of sheer excitement and frustration had the audicity to phone me at 4 o'clock in the morning, and wake me up, to ask me "where should I put the piano?"

Still 3/4s asleep, without missing a beat, my answer to him was "next to the bass player", as I hung up the phone and fell back asleep.


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Subject: RE: BS: A joke to share
From: Mooh
Date: 20 May 00 - 05:58 PM

Dear R in B,

I have never heard a joke that so encapsulated my thinking! I almost wet myself laughing. Thanks!

Peace Mooh.


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Subject: RE: BS: A joke to share
From: Mooh
Date: 20 May 00 - 06:02 PM

I forgot to add mine own...

How many folk musicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One to hold the bulb and any number of others to drink until the room spins.

Mooh.


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Subject: RE: BS: A joke to share
From: Abby Sale
Date: 20 May 00 - 10:46 PM

Well, now. I have to take a considerable interest in this thread. I post a monthly "Folking Around" in Central Florida. Just a listing of all the folk venues & events. The darn thing's gotten too long so I got in the habit of putting a folk-related joke at the top & the bottom. Theory being, of course, that the jokes are so good people will read to whole post just to get to them. (One reader even said that was true.) Thing is, I find it very hard to find actual folk-related jokes or stories. Pretty much gone through the available ones. The above good stories reflect this & rarely specify strictly folkish themes. I'd rather quit than be reduced to using those cheap-shot instrument bits. (Well, any more of them...) I'd rather use uplifting, generally humorous, non-spiteful ones. Or else really dirty ones. So I'll be reading this thread hoping for good material.

I find I have a few surplus musical jokes that are not folkish. Since I can't use them in my post, I reckon this is a good place to get rid of one & clean my hard drive thereby. A friend at Scottish Parliament sends:

Doc, I can't stop singing "The Green Green Grass of Home." That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. Is it common? It's not unusual.


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Subject: RE: BS: A joke to share
From: Rick Fielding
Date: 20 May 00 - 11:32 PM

Abby, what's the definition of a "minor second"?

Two celtic fiddlers playing in unison!

Rick


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Subject: RE: BS: A joke to share
From: paddyc
Date: 20 May 00 - 11:39 PM

What's the difference between a bodhran player and a drum machine? You only have to punch the drum machine once to get the right rhythm.


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Subject: RE: BS: A joke to share
From: GUEST,Embarassed
Date: 21 May 00 - 01:29 AM

Before I say anything, just keep in mind the old adage- the only stupid question is the one that you don't ask.

I may be the only one, but I don't get the music heaven joke you told, Roger. Can you explain it to me?

Em


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Subject: RE: BS: A joke to share
From: Jeri
Date: 21 May 00 - 09:48 AM

Dear Em, Jimi, Janis, etc, rocked. They kicked bootie, so to speak. Karen Carpenter was laid back and mellow. If you happen to like kick-ass music, then what the joke means is that the musican isn't in heaven, he's in the other place. Could be stolen ...er, adapted for folk music:

Imagine an accoustic/trad folkie dies and wakes up in a place to find Woodie Guthrie, Robert Johnson, Stan Rogers, and a host of other departed masters. "Ah," he thinks, "folkie heaven." They bring him a chair and a vintage Martin. He sits in wonder, waiting for the for the incredible music to begin. Peering over the heads of those in front of him, he can see a figure has entered and is standing in the front of the room. Then, as a bubble or two lands on his nose, he hears "OK, from the top - an' a one, an' a two..."


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Subject: RE: BS: A joke to share
From: GUEST,Roger in Baltimore
Date: 21 May 00 - 09:51 AM

Gee Em, I don't know if your request is just leading me on or not. Well, I believe the concrete approach to requests is the best so here goes. The first artists mentioned are uniformly considered icons on their respective instruments. Many expect they are playing "rock and roll" in heaven.

Karen Carpenter, on the other hand, was a capable drummer, but no stand out. Many musicians would not expect the other stars to be very happy playing Carpenter tunes (Like 'We've Only Just Begun"). In fact, it might be pure Hell for them to have to do so over and over again.

Big RiB


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Subject: RE: BS: A joke to share
From: bbelle
Date: 21 May 00 - 10:44 AM

Musician jokes are funny and it's our way of poking a little fun at ourselves, especially, since we can sometimes be a little sensitive! I have people telling me JAP and Jewish jokes all the time ... I love 'em and retell them. But if you overanalyze ... the point is lost. Not being in the trenches, these days, I don't hear many musician jokes, but a couple of my favorite JAP jokes are:

What's the difference between a JAP and a bowl of Jello? Jello moves when you eat it.

What's the sound you hear in the background, when you're making love to a JAP? The sound of an emery board while she's doing her nails.

Shalom ... Jenny


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Subject: RE: BS: A joke to share
From: kendall
Date: 21 May 00 - 12:36 PM

How can you tell when a J.A.P. has an orgasm? She drops her nail file.


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Subject: RE: BS: A joke to share
From: MK
Date: 21 May 00 - 12:51 PM

Okay more JAP jokes then.


What does a JAP make for dinner?
Reservations.

How does a JAP call the family to dinner?
"Get in the car."

JAP's definition of natural childbirth.
Having a baby, and wearing no makeup.

How can you tell when a JAP is having an orgasm?
She screams out her name....(or, answer #2....she drops her nail file.)

What did the JAP say after making love?
So....you guys like part of a team or what?

A JAP'S definition of why God invented Gentiles?
..somebody has to pay retail.


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Subject: RE: BS: A joke to share
From: bbelle
Date: 21 May 00 - 01:00 PM

Thank you, Kendall, I have a whole drawer full of nail files! Haven't had them out in a while, though ... maybe the drawer's stuck?

My favorite Jewish joke:

The priest, the minister, and the rabbi were sitting around discussing when life begins. The priest says "In my religion, we believe life begins at the point of conception." The minister says "In my religion, we believe life begins at birth." The rabbi says "Oy, we believe life begins when the dog dies and the kids leave home."

Another favorite:

The moyul has been doing bris and saving foreskins for 50 years. The day he retires he takes them to the luggage-maker to have him make a suitcase from the fruits of his labors. The luggage-maker tells him "no problem" and to check back in two weeks. The moyul dutifully, and with much excitement, goes back to the luggage-maker in two weeks to pick up his suitcase. When the luggage-maker brings it out to show the moyul, it is a small wallet. The moyul is outraged. He says "For 50 years I've collected and all I get in return is a wallet?" The luggage-maker says "Rabbi, calm down ... all you have to do is stroke it a few times and it grows."

Jenny


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Subject: RE: BS: A joke to share
From: GUEST,Tasteless
Date: 21 May 00 - 01:00 PM

What's the difference between an Italian woman and an elephant?

50 lbs. and a black dress.


What's the difference between an East Indian woman, and a bowling ball.?

You could eat the bowling ball if you had to.


Definition of Polish blues chords?

Major 7ths.


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Subject: RE: BS: A joke to share
From: bbelle
Date: 21 May 00 - 01:17 PM

Michael ... we must be cross-posting. thanks ... some I knew ... some I didn't! Having been called a JAP a few times in my life ...

What is a JAP's favorite wine? "When are we going to Palm Beach?"

I'll have to locate my JAP Handbook ... I'm getting the urge ...

Jenny


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Subject: RE: BS: A joke to share
From: Jeri
Date: 21 May 00 - 01:43 PM

NORTHEAST PASSAGE:
Ah, for just one time I would take a northeast passage
To find a Jewish princess reaching for my wallet thin,
With her well-coiffed hair and her extra-long eyelashes
And a Mother, waiting, eager to move in.

For those of you in other countries such as the UK, Australia and Texas, a "JAP" is a "Jewish American Princess."


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Subject: RE: BS: A joke to share
From: bbelle
Date: 21 May 00 - 01:53 PM

Jeri ... good! very good!

Jenny


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Subject: RE: BS: A joke to share
From: Micca
Date: 21 May 00 - 02:19 PM

Welcome to hell Mr Von Karajan, heres your banjo.
and the Folkies/light bulb one I heard, was 7 1 to change it, 4 to sing about how good the old one was and 2 to complain that its electric.


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Subject: RE: BS: A joke to share
From: kendall
Date: 21 May 00 - 05:45 PM

Moonchild..I told the Moyle story to Sara Grey and Joan Sprung as we were entering a restaurant, and, we nearly got kicked out. The way I heard it was..."If you stroke it, it turns into a suitcase."


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Subject: RE: BS: A joke to share
From: GUEST,poobah891
Date: 21 May 00 - 08:20 PM

So, the Grasshopper walks into a bar and the bartender says to him---hey, amazing; they named a dring after you.

The Grasshopper says: "They named a drink Bob?".

But, on the other hand---there are, hopefully, 5 fingers.

And, let us not forget about the Priest, the Minister, and the Rabbi playing poker for money. When the police raid the establishment and ask the Priest if he is playing for money he says ( after saying Lord forgive him) ---NO. The Minister---same thing. The Rabbi is asked by the constabulary the same question. Response---With Who?


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Subject: RE: BS: A joke to share
From: GUEST
Date: 21 May 00 - 08:35 PM

Irish catholic boy of 40 was allowed by his mother to go to mass without her as a birthday present

Came back with a black eye so mother ask what happened

"Well a girl in front of me stood up, and when she did her pleated skirt got caught in the cheeks of her, eh, butt, so, being ever helpful I leaned forward and gently release the skirt"

Son was not allowed attend mass on his own for six months.

He returned six months later with another black eye.

Mother was furious and asked what happened

"Well the same girl stood up, the same thing happened and the guy beside me gently released the skirt. I knew she did not want the skirt released so I gently re-tucked it between her, eh, butt.

He was never allowed to attend mass on his own agian.

Paddy(1)


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Subject: RE: BS: A joke to share
From: Chocolate Pi
Date: 21 May 00 - 09:55 PM

well, there's always the one about the folkie who goes in to see the shrink, lies down on the couch, and says, "Doc, I dreamed I saw Joe Hill last night."


Chocolate Pi


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Subject: RE: BS: A joke to share
From: Rick Fielding
Date: 21 May 00 - 10:13 PM

Good man Roger. Your explanation techniques are exquisite.

Guest, Tasteless: Your humour certainly is, but your knowledge of jazz chords is pretty fair.

From Scotland: Did ya ever hear the Scottish version of that famous Rolling Stones' song?

HEY MacCLEOD! GET OFFA MY EWE!

Rick


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Subject: RE: BS: A joke to share
From: bbelle
Date: 21 May 00 - 10:30 PM

OK ... you asked for it!! And old, old hippie joke ...

Two hippies go before the judge. They both have on boots, bellbottoms, and tshirts, and they both have hair to their waist. They are virtually indistinguishable. The judge is in a quandary trying to decide which is male and which is female. So, he asks ... "Which one of you has the menstrual cycle?" The two hippies look at each other and one says to the judge ... "It must be her, I drive a Harley."

Jenny


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Subject: RE: BS: A joke to share
From: MK
Date: 21 May 00 - 10:48 PM

A couple (two gay men), decide to have an afternoon outing and visit the local Metropolitan Zoo. They are leisurely walking through the grounds exploring all the various animal exhibits.

Finally they come to the Gorilla pavilion...and are gazing through the bars at the gorillas. Without warning, the largest gorilla suddenly lashes out towards the bars and grabs one of the men by the throat, and literally pulls him through the bars into his domain.

Immediately the gorilla overpowers the man, rips all of his clothes off of him, beats the crap out of him, and then brutally sodomizes him for about 20 minutes. Finally, finished with him the gorilla tosses the victim back through the bars.

An ambulance is immediately called, and the man is rushed to the hospital, barely alive.

Three days later, his partner, is finally allowed to visit him at the hospital, and upon entering his room, sees him sitting at the edge of his bed, covered from head to toe in bandages, weeping unconsolably.
He walks around and faces his bandaged friend and says gently, "Hey there! It's me! How are you? How are you feeling? How's your prognosis? What did the doctors say?"

His friend, still sobbing, answers,
"You know? He doesn't phone! he doesn't write!................"


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Subject: RE: BS: A joke to share
From: Chanteyranger
Date: 21 May 00 - 11:18 PM

3 couples want to convert to Christianity and join a church. The minister has them go to services, meet the congregation, go to socials, etc. After a few months, he tells them "The last part of this process, to really test your commitment to god and to our church, is for you to not have any sex for the next two weeks, then come back to my office and we'll talk about it and see how you fared. After two weeks, they return to the minister's office. He asks them how it went. The first couple, in their 70's, tell him it was not much of a problem, and the minister welcomes them. The second couple, in their 40's, tell him that it was difficult, and by the fourth day they had to sleep in separate rooms, but somehow managed to get through without having sex. The minister congratulates them and welcomes them into the church. The third couple, 20-something newlyweds, complain to the minister, and the husband says: "On the third day, my wife was reaching up to the top shelf for some lightbulbs and dropped them. When she bent over to pick them up I couldn't take it anymore and we made love on the floor right then and there!" The minister, quite shocked, says: "You know this means you're not welcome in this church." The wife say's: "Yeah, that's too bad, but you know what's worse? we're not welcome back in Safeway either!"


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Subject: RE: BS: A joke to share
From: bbelle
Date: 21 May 00 - 11:30 PM

Three nuns arrive at the Pearly Gates and are greeted by Saint Peter. Saint Peter says:

"Sisters ... all three of you have led such exemplary lives that I am going to send you back to Earth for one day and you can choose to be anyone you want."

The first nun says:

"I've always admired Mother Theresa and would like to go back to Earth as her."

Saint Peter says: "Good choice. Granted."

The second nun says:

"Well ... I've always admired Margaret Thatcher and would like to go back to Earth as her."

Saint Peter says: "Good choice, sister. Granted."

So Saint Peter says to the third nun:

"Okay, sister, have you made your choice?"

"Yes, I have. I want to go back to Earth as Sara Pippelinni."

Saint Peter says:

"Sister, I've never heard of Sara Pippelinni," whereupn the third nun starts rumbling around in her pockets, where she pulls out an old, yellowed piece of newspaper and hands it to Saint Peter.

Saint Peter says:

"Sister, this says the Sierra Pipeline was laid in 2 weeks by 3,000 men."

To which the nun replies:

"Yep ... that's who I want to be."

"Sister ... this says the Sierra P


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Subject: RE: BS: A joke to share
From: paddymac
Date: 22 May 00 - 12:37 AM

A music joke, sorta cleaned up-

A bar long past its prime had an equally aged signe in the window: "Piano Player Wanted". One evening a scruffy sort of character staggered into the joint, approached the barkeep and said: "I'll play you a song for a beer". The barkeep was a bit skeptical but thought, "why not?". He served the guy a draft, which he promptly chugged. He then teetered over to the piano and played the most soulful, moving slow piece imaginable. He had the whole house in tears. He ambled back over to the bar and the keep said "That was beautiful. What's it called?" The player amswered: "That's a little something I wrote when my wife died. I call it 'We can't screw no more' ".

Well, the barkeep gave him another beer and asked him to play something a little more lively and up beat. The player chugged the beer, went back to the piano and banged out an incredilbe fast-paced piece that had the whole joint jumping. When he finished, he got up and wobbled his way to the gent's room. He'd had enough that when he finished, he forgot to put his t'ing away.

Well, he ambled back to the bar. The barkeep saw him coming with his t'ing hanging out and said: "Hey, man, do you know your fly's open and your t'ing is hanging out?" The player looked at him and said: "Know it? Hell, man, I wrote it!"


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Subject: RE: BS: A joke to share
From: Melani
Date: 22 May 00 - 12:55 AM

A boy said to his father, "Dad, I want to be a musician when I grow up." His father replied, "You can't do that! It's one OR the other!"


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Subject: RE: BS: A joke to share
From: kendall
Date: 22 May 00 - 06:55 AM

The Rabbi was in his office when the phone rang.."This is agent Smith with the IRS. Do you know a Bill Cohen?" Rabbi says "Yes I do." IRS agent "Did he donate $10,000 to your synagog?" Rabbi says "He will."


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Subject: RE: BS: A joke to share
From: GUEST
Date: 22 May 00 - 07:49 AM

A Musician dies and ends up in the afterlife. He's naturaly a bit dazed and can only make up vague shapes.

He askes the nearest shape - "Is this heaven or Hell"

The shape replies - "I don't know mate but here's your accordian."

Julie


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Subject: RE: BS: A joke to share
From: GUEST,Mrr
Date: 22 May 00 - 11:19 AM

OK, I'm chipping in.
Q: What's the difference between a JAP, a nymphomaniac, and a prostitute?
A: After, the prostitute says That's All!; the nympho says Is that All? And the JAP says (looking up blankly at ceiling)...peach; I think I'll paint it peach.


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Subject: RE: BS: A joke to share
From: Midchuck
Date: 22 May 00 - 12:57 PM

Frog Loan A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her name plate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack. So he says, "Ms. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation." Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow. The frog says $30,000. The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's OK, he knows the bank manager. Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan.

She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral. The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an Inch tall. Bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says:

"There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. And he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what the heck is this?"

(Are you ready ???) The bank manager looks back at her and says:"It's a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone".


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Subject: RE: BS: A joke to share
From: BlueJay
Date: 22 May 00 - 03:06 PM

Midchuck, that's a great one. I'll remember it!

So Ted Koppel, Ted Turner and Bill Gates were playing a round of golf. All of a sudden, Ted Koppel sticks his thumb in his ear, and starts talking into his little finger. His friends were startled, so he explained: "I've had a speaker implanted in my thumb, and a microphone in my little finger so ABC newscan contact me at any time".
A few minutes later, Ted Turner starts seemingly having a conversation with someone. He explained: "I had a speaker implanted in my inner ear, and a microphone implanted in one of my teeth, so the office can contact me at any time.
Later, Bill Gates suddenly pulls a roll of toilet paper out of his golf bag, and pulls down his pants. "Excuse me", he says, "I'm expecting a fax".


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Subject: RE: BS: A joke to share
From: catspaw49
Date: 22 May 00 - 04:27 PM

Guy walks into a bar and orders a triple Scotch. Bartender asks him if he has a problem and the guy says,

"I sure as hell do. I found my wife in bed with my best friend!"
"What'd you do?" ask the bartender.
"Well I went staright over to my wife, looked her right in the eye and said "Pack up and Get Out!!!'"
"Sounds right to me," said the barkeep. What about your best friend?"
"Well I walked right over to him, looked him right in the eye too, and said, 'BAD DOG!!!'"

(Received from Banjer awhile ago)

Spaw


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Subject: RE: BS: A joke to share
From: GUEST,Christine
Date: 22 May 00 - 04:37 PM

A man meets a beautiful woman in a bar and happens to notice her tattoo, "What does it stand for" he asked. She says, " I am a member of the Nymphomanics of America Club" "in that case let me ask you a a question" What kind of man does a nympho really like?"

"Well, I really like native american men, becuase they are so close to nature, so primitive and animalistic. but I also like jewish men, because they make good money, you can wrap them around your little finger and they will happily become your love slave. Southern men turn me on to, because they are so polite and really know to treat a lady." "I see" he said "By the way, what is your name" she asked.

"Me?? My name is Tonto Goldstein, but you can call me Bubba1"


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Subject: RE: BS: A joke to share
From: MK
Date: 22 May 00 - 04:59 PM

It's the peak of summer. A mid afternoon day. It's 90 degrees out and hardly a cloud in the sky. A policeman is patrolling his beat in the downtown corridor (any city you like), and notices a 90-something year old man sitting on a park bench near a bus stop, crying his eyes out.

Policeman walks over to the man, and says "Hey there my friend. It's such a beautiful day today! What's the problem? What's got you down?"

90ish guy looks up and in between sobs, starts ranting to the cop: "Last year, my wife who I was married to for nearly 70 years passed away. 6 weeks ago, I got remarried to the most amazing woman in the world. She's 23, blonde, busty--with a body to die for, and every morning when I wake up she makes me a breakfast fit for a king, then when I finish, she screws my brains out, and then goes to work. At lunchtime, she comes home from work, makes me a fantastic lunch, screws my brains out some more, and then goes back to work. At the end of the day, she comes home from work, fixes me a 5 course gourmet dinner and then later, screws my brains out till I fall asleep."

Then he puts his head back in his hands and just starts balling like a baby.

Policeman says to him "There there old fella. Sounds to me like you've got it made!!!!! I don't get it. Why are you crying????"

Man looks at the Policeman and yells "because I can't remember where I live!!!!"


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Subject: RE: BS: A joke to share
From: Chanteyranger
Date: 23 May 00 - 02:00 AM

Two nuns are driving in the South of France. One says, "I've never come here before." The other says, "Must be the cobblestones."


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Subject: RE: BS: A joke to share
From: kendall
Date: 23 May 00 - 08:34 AM

Young girl goes into a store, dumps a bag of quarters on the counter. Storekeeper says "You hoard all of those?" girl says "No, my sister hoard some of them."


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Subject: RE: BS: A joke to share
From: GUEST,me
Date: 23 May 00 - 10:10 AM

okay, you talked me into it...

How did the Germans conquer Poland?

They marched in backwards and told them they were leaving.


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Mudcat time: 26 September 2:30 PM EDT

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