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BS: One Liners

Amos 09 Feb 00 - 11:40 PM
Brendy 09 Feb 00 - 11:47 PM
catspaw49 09 Feb 00 - 11:54 PM
ddw 10 Feb 00 - 12:02 AM
Amos 10 Feb 00 - 12:03 AM
Amos 10 Feb 00 - 12:06 AM
Amos 10 Feb 00 - 12:17 AM
Amos 10 Feb 00 - 12:21 AM
fulurum 10 Feb 00 - 12:36 AM
wysiwyg 10 Feb 00 - 12:47 AM
katlaughing 10 Feb 00 - 01:07 AM
fulurum 10 Feb 00 - 01:58 AM
GUEST,Frankie 10 Feb 00 - 02:22 AM
Lady McMoo 10 Feb 00 - 03:28 AM
GUEST,Roger the skiffler 10 Feb 00 - 04:09 AM
GUEST,Roger the skiffler 10 Feb 00 - 04:25 AM
GUEST,John Gray / Australia. 10 Feb 00 - 04:26 AM
GUEST,Roger the skiffler 10 Feb 00 - 04:48 AM
Lanfranc 10 Feb 00 - 05:17 AM
GUEST,Patrish 10 Feb 00 - 05:34 AM
Midchuck 10 Feb 00 - 06:39 AM
Mbo 10 Feb 00 - 08:09 AM
Brian Hoskin 10 Feb 00 - 08:30 AM
Amos 10 Feb 00 - 08:58 AM
catspaw49 10 Feb 00 - 10:06 AM
Peg 10 Feb 00 - 10:13 AM
Bert 10 Feb 00 - 10:13 AM
GUEST,Mbo 10 Feb 00 - 10:27 AM
Midchuck 10 Feb 00 - 10:31 AM
Amos 10 Feb 00 - 10:40 AM
Blackcat2 10 Feb 00 - 10:51 AM
kendall 10 Feb 00 - 10:55 AM
InOBU 10 Feb 00 - 11:08 AM
Uncle_DaveO 10 Feb 00 - 11:31 AM
Troll 10 Feb 00 - 11:47 AM
Blackcat2 10 Feb 00 - 11:50 AM
Amos 10 Feb 00 - 11:58 AM
GUEST,Praise (at Work) 10 Feb 00 - 12:09 PM
Amos 10 Feb 00 - 12:13 PM
sophocleese 10 Feb 00 - 12:21 PM
Dharmabum 10 Feb 00 - 12:57 PM
kendall 10 Feb 00 - 02:09 PM
jeffp 10 Feb 00 - 02:21 PM
GUEST,Terry 10 Feb 00 - 02:37 PM
Cara 10 Feb 00 - 02:41 PM
Troll 10 Feb 00 - 02:41 PM
Eric the Viking 10 Feb 00 - 03:22 PM
Amos 10 Feb 00 - 03:24 PM
kendall 10 Feb 00 - 03:32 PM
Amos 10 Feb 00 - 03:33 PM
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Subject: One Liners
From: Amos
Date: 09 Feb 00 - 11:40 PM

To warm the crowd up, fill in between songs, tide over a broken string: use one liners! Here are a few and there a millions waiting to flock to this l'i'l thread from all across Nudcat Flats. Bring 'em on in. We'' make a collection and send 'em to Rick FIelding!

"If we do happen to step on a mine, Sir, what do we do?" "Normal procedure, Lieutenant, is to jump 200 feet in the air and scatter oneself over a wide area." -- Somewhere in No Man's Land, BA4

You're so lazy, that if you woke up with nothing to do today, you'd go to bed with it only half done.

You might be a physics major... if you'll assume that a "horse" is a "sphere" in order to make the math easier.

Roll on, ye Cats!

A


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Subject: RE: BS: One Liners
From: Brendy
Date: 09 Feb 00 - 11:47 PM

"If you're hung for your wit, you'd die innocent."
"You're about as much use as a one legged man at an arse-kicking contest."
"Are they your own teeth, or are you breaking them in for an idiot."
"I have never heard anything more average in my life."

My 0.02
B.


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Subject: RE: BS: One Liners
From: catspaw49
Date: 09 Feb 00 - 11:54 PM

The greats often used more than one line, as exhibited here by the brilliant Gerge S. Kaufman (slightly paraphrased for "brevity"):

If you were to take the Mt. Palomar telescope and somehow mount it inside the Wilson telescope and look through this combination, you would be unable to detect any interest I might have in your problem.

Spaw


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Subject: RE: BS: One Liners
From: ddw
Date: 10 Feb 00 - 12:02 AM

A couple of my favorites in the last few days are:

"I'll try to be nicer if you'll try to be smarter,"

and one from last Friday's Royal Canadian Air Farce show, describing the beating Mike Tyson put on his British opponent, Julius Francis:

"Tyson beat Francis so badly, he though he was on a date."

In the same skit they warned viewers that what they were about to show was not pretty and they suggested viewer discretion. Then they flashed up a "before" picture of Francis, followed by an "after" shot — of Camilla Parker Bowles. I missed the next skit.

david


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Subject: RE: BS: One Liners
From: Amos
Date: 10 Feb 00 - 12:03 AM

Well, I guess, now that 'Spaw has clarified the thing, that we should include anything short enough to be told briefly, whether one line of a few. Thank you for your Wisdom, sir Spaw.

"Yesterday is a dream, tomorrow is a vision, today is a bitch."

The one allegedly uttered by a drunken W.C. Fields when an incensed Mayer was waiting at his door:

"Give him..an evasive answer...tell him to go f### himself."

Also attributed to Fields:
"You, sir, are a no-good son of a bitch. I would not piss in your ear if your brain were on fire."

Without computers, it would be virtually impossible for us to accomploiwur xow;gkc,mf(*&(

-- Dave Barry


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Subject: RE: BS: One Liners
From: Amos
Date: 10 Feb 00 - 12:06 AM

Why does moisture ruin leather? Aren't cows outside a lot of the time?
When it's raining, do cows go up to the farmhouse, "Let us in! We're all
wearing leather! Open the door! We're going to ruin the whole outfit
here!"

-- Jerry Seinfeld


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Subject: RE: BS: One Liners
From: Amos
Date: 10 Feb 00 - 12:17 AM

Whenever you read a good book, it's like the author is right there, in
the room talking to you, which is why I don't like to read good books.

-- Jack Handey


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Subject: RE: BS: One Liners
From: Amos
Date: 10 Feb 00 - 12:21 AM

From the papers of a great civilization, either ours or some other, I can't recall:

When rich speculators prosper while farmers lose their land;
when government officials spend money on weapons instead of cures;
when the upper class is extravagant and irresponsible while the poor have nowhere to turn;
all this is robbery and chaos.

-- Tao Te Ching


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Subject: RE: BS: One Liners
From: fulurum
Date: 10 Feb 00 - 12:36 AM

you may think your hot shit in a champagne glass but you ain't nothing but cold piss in a dixie cup.


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Subject: RE: BS: One Liners
From: wysiwyg
Date: 10 Feb 00 - 12:47 AM

I was born in the morning, but not this morning.

He who blushes is not yet a brute.

OK, they aren't one liners, but sometimes a snide retort is more fun for the teller, think of these as anti-heckler lines for all those hecklers out front. I know you think folkies don't get hecklers but that's only a sign you aren't playing in enough nursing homes or that there's no liquor license where you play.

This thread needs to include our self-deprecating band introductions that are so funny (to us).

Ours is,

"Hi, we're the Good News-Goodtime Band. We specialize in playing for deaf people who can't leave and tonight it's your turn. We're not performers, which you'll find out shortly, but we're loud and we're here to lead the fun-- and you'll need to sing with us so we'll sound a lot better. That's the Goodtime. The Good News is there'll only be one set."


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Subject: RE: BS: One Liners
From: katlaughing
Date: 10 Feb 00 - 01:07 AM

She got her good looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon. Groucho Marx

This strange beating together of hands has no meaning. To me it is very disturbing. We try to make sounds like music, and then in between comes this strange sound. Leopold Stokowski

My heart is pure as the driven slush. Tallulah Bankhead

Miami Beach is where neons go to die. Lenny Bruce

Lead me not into temptation; I can find the way myself. Rita Mae Brown


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Subject: RE: BS: One Liners
From: fulurum
Date: 10 Feb 00 - 01:58 AM

there was a singer the other night in our town who ended his show with this, "if you had half the fun that I did tonight, then I had twice as much fun as you did."


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Subject: RE: BS: One Liners
From: GUEST,Frankie
Date: 10 Feb 00 - 02:22 AM

If this world made any sense men would ride side saddle. -Rita Mae Brown

Your parents ruin the first half of your life and your children ruin the second. - WJ Bryan

Moderation in ALL things? Isn't that a bit extreme?

It's no fun to drink alone until you've had a few.


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Subject: RE: BS: One Liners
From: Lady McMoo
Date: 10 Feb 00 - 03:28 AM

For the older performer:

"Thank you...thank you ...you've made an old man very happy...!" (Aside to a unsuspecting audience member in the front row "You are happy aren't you sir....?")

For a knuckle-dragger audience:

"I'd rather have a full bottle in front of me than a full frontal lobotomy..."

mcmoo


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Subject: RE: BS: One Liners
From: GUEST,Roger the skiffler
Date: 10 Feb 00 - 04:09 AM

"I've emptied bigger rooms than this" RtS
"Don't clap too loud it's a very old building" 'Archie Rice' in John Osborne's The Entertainer
"Let's all join hands and try to conbtact the living" Ronnie Scott
RtS


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Subject: RE: BS: One Liners
From: GUEST,Roger the skiffler
Date: 10 Feb 00 - 04:25 AM

And the old standby in two alternatives:
You've been a wonderful audience-not tonight, obviously, but I'm sure you have been some time"
OR
Thank you, Wembley (as if!)I've had a wonderful time, not tonight, obviously, but I have had a wonderful time."
RtS


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Subject: RE: BS: One Liners
From: GUEST,John Gray / Australia.
Date: 10 Feb 00 - 04:26 AM

I joined the navy for wine, women and song, and all I ended up with was rum, bum and broken gramophone records.

You've got teeth like the keyboard on a navy piano, one black, one white, and one missing.

JG / FME


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Subject: RE: BS: One Liners
From: GUEST,Roger the skiffler
Date: 10 Feb 00 - 04:48 AM

THREAD CREEP WARNING: and if you need longer time to change string, instrument, get your breath back, have a drink, there's this shaggy dog story, intended as a lead in to Blue Suede Shoes but can be adapted:
Fame is largely dependent on what the media tells us, for example the Pope visited Cuba recently. Tight news blackout to avoid encouraging Catholic enthusiasm so rumours spread that someone famous was coming but they didn't know who. Plane land, Pope kisses tarmac, met by Foreign Minister: "Welcome to Cuba, Mr Presley". Pope "I'm not Elvis Presley, I'm the Pope". FR "Oh, Sorry, your Holiness" [pad story out with similar encounters on way to hotel]. Pope gets to hotel taking shower,knock at door, goes to door in towel [funny place for door -Oh,do get on with it, Roger] opens door,sees beautiful Cuban temptress, long black hair all down her back [none on her head, just down her back Roger! I've warned you..], short red dress, lovely brown eyes: "Oh, Mr Presley, I've always wanted to meet you!". Pope :" My child,[sings] It'sa one for the money, two for the show...."
Exit Skiffler in hail of coins (small denomination) bermugs and chairs
Tara a bit
RtS (I have to keep on the move, a new audience is easier to find than new jokes)


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Subject: RE: BS: One Liners
From: Lanfranc
Date: 10 Feb 00 - 05:17 AM

"Thank you for your support, I shall always wear it!" - Ronnie Scott (Diz Disley et al)

"I have nothing to declare but my genius!" - Oscar Wilde

"If wit was sh** you'd be constipated" - Anon

"Good evening, ladies, gentlemen, and those of you who have had the operation" - Redd Sullivan

||More


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Subject: RE: BS: One Liners
From: GUEST,Patrish
Date: 10 Feb 00 - 05:34 AM

Ah, I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.
It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial
Patrish


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Subject: RE: BS: One Liners
From: Midchuck
Date: 10 Feb 00 - 06:39 AM

"This next song was originally done by the Kingston Trio...Any Kingston Trio fans here?

(If any hands are raised): "It's your bedtime!"

(Lifted from Woods Tea Co.)

Peter.


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Subject: RE: BS: One Liners
From: Mbo
Date: 10 Feb 00 - 08:09 AM

"You know, in Celtic countries, we have songs about very beautiful and highly unattainable women--and we call these 'love songs.' And we have songs about beautiful, and very stong, and highly obtainable drink--and we call these 'love songs.'"
--Andy M. Stewart


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Subject: RE: BS: One Liners
From: Brian Hoskin
Date: 10 Feb 00 - 08:30 AM

"Smile" they said "It could be worse"

I did, and it was!


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Subject: RE: BS: One Liners
From: Amos
Date: 10 Feb 00 - 08:58 AM

That's my lads! Whatta witty community. I am impressed. More!

A


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Subject: RE: BS: One Liners
From: catspaw49
Date: 10 Feb 00 - 10:06 AM

That's because you are, quite obviously, easily impressed. For instance, that that pair of pants you had pressed last were done by a Sherpa on oxygen overload and the wrinkles were overlooked because of your interest as to why he left Nepal to live in California.

Spaw


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Subject: RE: BS: One Liners
From: Peg
Date: 10 Feb 00 - 10:13 AM

the classic, to a well-lubricated (by drink) audience at the end of the night: Look, you don't have to go home, but you can't stay here...

At the Burren, Karan Casey said, when the audience kept applauding and, naturally, wanting more: "Have you not homes to go to?"


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Subject: RE: BS: One Liners
From: Bert
Date: 10 Feb 00 - 10:13 AM

I sometimes start a performance showing off my 'birdseye maple' guitar (Your expensive Martin or Gibson would work just as well). Saying "I bought this using 'Peter's Placebo', you remember - An ounce of image is worth a pound of performance"


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Subject: RE: BS: One Liners
From: GUEST,Mbo
Date: 10 Feb 00 - 10:27 AM

Peg, Semisonic uses that line in their song "Closing Time." "Closing time, every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end." Ahhh...now there's a one liner. And a very important thought in my book. BTW another good Andy M. Stewart one-liner is "Everytime I come to America it rains. How do you people manage to live in a place like this?"

--Mbo


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Subject: RE: BS: One Liners
From: Midchuck
Date: 10 Feb 00 - 10:31 AM

A husband-and-wife duo we used to go to see a lot had a thing they would do for their own satisfaction, rather than the audience's, when they were playing a bar gig in a noisy bar, where only a handful of us sitting right up front were listening. At the end of the evening, as they closed up, the lady would smile radiantly at the audience, and say, very warmly, "F*** you, f*** you very much!"

No one whom it was intended for ever noticed.

Peter.


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Subject: RE: BS: One Liners
From: Amos
Date: 10 Feb 00 - 10:40 AM

Yer right, 'Spaw, but how did you know??

He told me why, too! Pretty women and no snow. Interested?

A


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Subject: RE: BS: One Liners
From: Blackcat2
Date: 10 Feb 00 - 10:51 AM

Classic from the Blues Brothers - "Good night - you don't have to go home, but you can't stay here!"

From Tom Waits, Spider Robinson, T-Bone Stankus etal : I'd rather have a free bottle in front of me than a pre-frontal lobotomy. (to me, a wonderful variation of that line)

From Liam Clancy to an audience - "Why don't we all join hands and contact the living?"

From Jeff Howell (local Orlando performer): "This next song is my favorite damn song!" (spoken before launching into about a third of the songs in each set.)

also from Jeff: "This is a song I wrote by the Beatles." (or by Jim Croce or whoever wrote the song.)

W.C. Fields when an ignorant fool asked if he'd like his whiskey with water: "Water ugnh! Fish fuck in it!"

"This is one of your favorite songs and I hope it's one of mine."

pax yall


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Subject: RE: BS: One Liners
From: kendall
Date: 10 Feb 00 - 10:55 AM

You would be over your head in a parking lot puddle.
He has given sodomy a bad name. (Winston Churchill)
He would screw up a wet dream.

After a particularlary inane intro, I said "Of all the introductions I have had, that is the most recent."


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Subject: RE: BS: One Liners
From: InOBU
Date: 10 Feb 00 - 11:08 AM

Groucho Marx : I have nothing but comfidence in you, and very little of that...
Fred Allan about Jack Benny: Benny was born ignorant, ... and has been loosing ground ever since... He is so cheap he wont eat in the sun, he is afraid his shadow might ask for a bite...
Larry


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Subject: RE: BS: One Liners
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 10 Feb 00 - 11:31 AM

W.C.Fields: Start each day with a smile--AND GET IT OVER WITH!


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Subject: RE: BS: One Liners
From: Troll
Date: 10 Feb 00 - 11:47 AM

For hecklers: Why don't you save your breath for your inflatable date.

You were here last night. I never forget a shirt.

Wrer you born stupid or did you take lessons?

For the crowd :

We'll take a short break. The bar is open so drink up. The more you drink, the better we sound.

When we start this next song, a little voice inside is going to say "Sing! Sing!". Don't listen to it.

troll


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Subject: RE: BS: One Liners
From: Blackcat2
Date: 10 Feb 00 - 11:50 AM

I often encourage people to sing along - and tell them the louder they sing the better I sound.


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Subject: RE: BS: One Liners
From: Amos
Date: 10 Feb 00 - 11:58 AM

From (I think) John Wayne in a military adventure:

"Life is tough. It's tougher if you're stupid."

A


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Subject: RE: BS: One Liners
From: GUEST,Praise (at Work)
Date: 10 Feb 00 - 12:09 PM

It takes longer if you don't start!


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Subject: RE: BS: One Liners
From: Amos
Date: 10 Feb 00 - 12:13 PM

Good point! And along with it,
"You have to change what is, if you want it to be different!"

A


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Subject: RE: BS: One Liners
From: sophocleese
Date: 10 Feb 00 - 12:21 PM

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

A day without sunshine is, like, night.

The early bird may get the worm but the second mouse gets the cheese.


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Subject: RE: BS: One Liners
From: Dharmabum
Date: 10 Feb 00 - 12:57 PM

The object in raising children is not to win or lose, but to minimize your losses. I started out with nothing, and still have most of it left. I'm trying to look at things from your point of view,but I can't get my head that far up my ass.


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Subject: RE: BS: One Liners
From: kendall
Date: 10 Feb 00 - 02:09 PM

that idiot would cross thread a wood screw (Gordon Bok)


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Subject: RE: BS: One Liners
From: jeffp
Date: 10 Feb 00 - 02:21 PM

What I wouldn't give for a tall cold beer and a short warm blonde!


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Subject: RE: BS: One Liners
From: GUEST,Terry
Date: 10 Feb 00 - 02:37 PM

"You must be mistaking me for someone who actually gives a shit".

"Have'nt I seen you on television? - interference!"


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Subject: RE: BS: One Liners
From: Cara
Date: 10 Feb 00 - 02:41 PM

said at the end of an evening--

"If you don't live here, work here, or sleep with someone who lives or works here, ya gotta go!"


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Subject: RE: BS: One Liners
From: Troll
Date: 10 Feb 00 - 02:41 PM

Me brudders a street missionary,

He saves wayward women from sin.

He'll save you a blond for five dollars.

My God how the money rolls in.

You'll have to find the beer on your own jeffp.

And remember , if you are baroque, it just means that you are out of monet. ( Who started this thread? Somebody stop me before I come up with another one. AAAARGH)

troll


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Subject: RE: BS: One Liners
From: Eric the Viking
Date: 10 Feb 00 - 03:22 PM

After a heavy night- "God , he had eyes like battling dogs bollocks- a mate used to say" I have been known to describe people as "a waste of skin" Oh well, I'll put me head back in the bucket! Cheers Eric


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Subject: RE: BS: One Liners
From: Amos
Date: 10 Feb 00 - 03:24 PM

You can tell his legs are too long -- he had to fold them over at the end and its beginning to fray!


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Subject: RE: BS: One Liners
From: kendall
Date: 10 Feb 00 - 03:32 PM

she's so tall, if she grows another inch, she'll fork again


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Subject: RE: BS: One Liners
From: Amos
Date: 10 Feb 00 - 03:33 PM

LOL!! You guys are funny!!

A


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Mudcat time: 26 September 3:35 PM EDT

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