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BS: One Liners

Amos 09 Feb 00 - 11:40 PM
Brendy 09 Feb 00 - 11:47 PM
catspaw49 09 Feb 00 - 11:54 PM
ddw 10 Feb 00 - 12:02 AM
Amos 10 Feb 00 - 12:03 AM
Amos 10 Feb 00 - 12:06 AM
Amos 10 Feb 00 - 12:17 AM
Amos 10 Feb 00 - 12:21 AM
fulurum 10 Feb 00 - 12:36 AM
wysiwyg 10 Feb 00 - 12:47 AM
katlaughing 10 Feb 00 - 01:07 AM
fulurum 10 Feb 00 - 01:58 AM
GUEST,Frankie 10 Feb 00 - 02:22 AM
Lady McMoo 10 Feb 00 - 03:28 AM
GUEST,Roger the skiffler 10 Feb 00 - 04:09 AM
GUEST,Roger the skiffler 10 Feb 00 - 04:25 AM
GUEST,John Gray / Australia. 10 Feb 00 - 04:26 AM
GUEST,Roger the skiffler 10 Feb 00 - 04:48 AM
Lanfranc 10 Feb 00 - 05:17 AM
GUEST,Patrish 10 Feb 00 - 05:34 AM
Midchuck 10 Feb 00 - 06:39 AM
Mbo 10 Feb 00 - 08:09 AM
Brian Hoskin 10 Feb 00 - 08:30 AM
Amos 10 Feb 00 - 08:58 AM
catspaw49 10 Feb 00 - 10:06 AM
Peg 10 Feb 00 - 10:13 AM
Bert 10 Feb 00 - 10:13 AM
GUEST,Mbo 10 Feb 00 - 10:27 AM
Midchuck 10 Feb 00 - 10:31 AM
Amos 10 Feb 00 - 10:40 AM
Blackcat2 10 Feb 00 - 10:51 AM
kendall 10 Feb 00 - 10:55 AM
InOBU 10 Feb 00 - 11:08 AM
Uncle_DaveO 10 Feb 00 - 11:31 AM
Troll 10 Feb 00 - 11:47 AM
Blackcat2 10 Feb 00 - 11:50 AM
Amos 10 Feb 00 - 11:58 AM
GUEST,Praise (at Work) 10 Feb 00 - 12:09 PM
Amos 10 Feb 00 - 12:13 PM
sophocleese 10 Feb 00 - 12:21 PM
Dharmabum 10 Feb 00 - 12:57 PM
kendall 10 Feb 00 - 02:09 PM
jeffp 10 Feb 00 - 02:21 PM
GUEST,Terry 10 Feb 00 - 02:37 PM
Cara 10 Feb 00 - 02:41 PM
Troll 10 Feb 00 - 02:41 PM
Eric the Viking 10 Feb 00 - 03:22 PM
Amos 10 Feb 00 - 03:24 PM
kendall 10 Feb 00 - 03:32 PM
Amos 10 Feb 00 - 03:33 PM
Eric the Viking 10 Feb 00 - 03:47 PM
Dharmabum 10 Feb 00 - 04:03 PM
fulurum 10 Feb 00 - 04:12 PM
Amos 10 Feb 00 - 04:13 PM
wysiwyg 10 Feb 00 - 05:53 PM
wysiwyg 10 Feb 00 - 05:53 PM
wysiwyg 10 Feb 00 - 06:15 PM
fulurum 10 Feb 00 - 06:23 PM
Lanfranc 10 Feb 00 - 06:30 PM
wysiwyg 10 Feb 00 - 06:41 PM
kendall 10 Feb 00 - 07:14 PM
Midchuck 10 Feb 00 - 07:35 PM
Uncle_DaveO 10 Feb 00 - 07:45 PM
catspaw49 10 Feb 00 - 08:01 PM
Midchuck 10 Feb 00 - 08:24 PM
catspaw49 10 Feb 00 - 08:33 PM
Troll 10 Feb 00 - 09:04 PM
Hagbardr 10 Feb 00 - 09:22 PM
catspaw49 10 Feb 00 - 09:28 PM
Troll 10 Feb 00 - 09:32 PM
Troll 10 Feb 00 - 09:37 PM
GUEST,Brendy 10 Feb 00 - 09:40 PM
Amos 10 Feb 00 - 09:41 PM
Troll 10 Feb 00 - 09:49 PM
Amos 10 Feb 00 - 10:03 PM
Troll 10 Feb 00 - 10:06 PM
Amos 10 Feb 00 - 10:53 PM
wysiwyg 10 Feb 00 - 11:18 PM
kendall 11 Feb 00 - 08:33 AM
Eric the Viking 12 Feb 00 - 06:25 AM
Callie 12 Feb 00 - 07:38 AM
wildlone 12 Feb 00 - 08:29 PM
Hagbardr 12 Feb 00 - 09:28 PM
Pene Azul 12 Feb 00 - 10:03 PM
GUEST,Frankie 13 Feb 00 - 09:01 AM
GUEST,artnsole1@aol.com 13 Feb 00 - 09:33 AM
Art Thieme 14 Feb 00 - 01:05 PM
Troll 14 Feb 00 - 01:22 PM
wysiwyg 14 Feb 00 - 01:33 PM
Fortunato 14 Feb 00 - 01:34 PM
wysiwyg 14 Feb 00 - 01:43 PM
GUEST,Jim Dixon 14 Feb 00 - 08:11 PM
kendall 15 Feb 00 - 07:44 PM
wysiwyg 15 Feb 00 - 07:52 PM
Amos 15 Feb 00 - 08:39 PM
wysiwyg 15 Feb 00 - 11:13 PM
GUEST,Jim Dixon 01 Mar 00 - 07:17 PM
Mooh 02 Mar 00 - 10:39 AM
simon-pierre 02 Mar 00 - 11:05 PM
pastorpest 04 Mar 00 - 03:17 PM
GUEST,Homeless (somewhere else) 05 Mar 00 - 01:02 AM
BlueJay 05 Mar 00 - 02:05 PM
GUEST,thomas the rhymer 05 Mar 00 - 03:06 PM
GUEST,The Beanster 05 Mar 00 - 09:46 PM
Troll 05 Mar 00 - 10:35 PM
GUEST,The Beanster 06 Mar 00 - 09:41 AM
GUEST,Jim Dixon 06 Mar 00 - 09:56 AM
wysiwyg 06 Mar 00 - 10:12 AM
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Subject: One Liners
From: Amos
Date: 09 Feb 00 - 11:40 PM

To warm the crowd up, fill in between songs, tide over a broken string: use one liners! Here are a few and there a millions waiting to flock to this l'i'l thread from all across Nudcat Flats. Bring 'em on in. We'' make a collection and send 'em to Rick FIelding!

"If we do happen to step on a mine, Sir, what do we do?" "Normal procedure, Lieutenant, is to jump 200 feet in the air and scatter oneself over a wide area." -- Somewhere in No Man's Land, BA4

You're so lazy, that if you woke up with nothing to do today, you'd go to bed with it only half done.

You might be a physics major... if you'll assume that a "horse" is a "sphere" in order to make the math easier.

Roll on, ye Cats!

A


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Subject: RE: BS: One Liners
From: Brendy
Date: 09 Feb 00 - 11:47 PM

"If you're hung for your wit, you'd die innocent."
"You're about as much use as a one legged man at an arse-kicking contest."
"Are they your own teeth, or are you breaking them in for an idiot."
"I have never heard anything more average in my life."

My 0.02
B.


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Subject: RE: BS: One Liners
From: catspaw49
Date: 09 Feb 00 - 11:54 PM

The greats often used more than one line, as exhibited here by the brilliant Gerge S. Kaufman (slightly paraphrased for "brevity"):

If you were to take the Mt. Palomar telescope and somehow mount it inside the Wilson telescope and look through this combination, you would be unable to detect any interest I might have in your problem.

Spaw


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Subject: RE: BS: One Liners
From: ddw
Date: 10 Feb 00 - 12:02 AM

A couple of my favorites in the last few days are:

"I'll try to be nicer if you'll try to be smarter,"

and one from last Friday's Royal Canadian Air Farce show, describing the beating Mike Tyson put on his British opponent, Julius Francis:

"Tyson beat Francis so badly, he though he was on a date."

In the same skit they warned viewers that what they were about to show was not pretty and they suggested viewer discretion. Then they flashed up a "before" picture of Francis, followed by an "after" shot — of Camilla Parker Bowles. I missed the next skit.

david


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Subject: RE: BS: One Liners
From: Amos
Date: 10 Feb 00 - 12:03 AM

Well, I guess, now that 'Spaw has clarified the thing, that we should include anything short enough to be told briefly, whether one line of a few. Thank you for your Wisdom, sir Spaw.

"Yesterday is a dream, tomorrow is a vision, today is a bitch."

The one allegedly uttered by a drunken W.C. Fields when an incensed Mayer was waiting at his door:

"Give him..an evasive answer...tell him to go f### himself."

Also attributed to Fields:
"You, sir, are a no-good son of a bitch. I would not piss in your ear if your brain were on fire."

Without computers, it would be virtually impossible for us to accomploiwur xow;gkc,mf(*&(

-- Dave Barry


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Subject: RE: BS: One Liners
From: Amos
Date: 10 Feb 00 - 12:06 AM

Why does moisture ruin leather? Aren't cows outside a lot of the time?
When it's raining, do cows go up to the farmhouse, "Let us in! We're all
wearing leather! Open the door! We're going to ruin the whole outfit
here!"

-- Jerry Seinfeld


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Subject: RE: BS: One Liners
From: Amos
Date: 10 Feb 00 - 12:17 AM

Whenever you read a good book, it's like the author is right there, in
the room talking to you, which is why I don't like to read good books.

-- Jack Handey


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Subject: RE: BS: One Liners
From: Amos
Date: 10 Feb 00 - 12:21 AM

From the papers of a great civilization, either ours or some other, I can't recall:

When rich speculators prosper while farmers lose their land;
when government officials spend money on weapons instead of cures;
when the upper class is extravagant and irresponsible while the poor have nowhere to turn;
all this is robbery and chaos.

-- Tao Te Ching


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Subject: RE: BS: One Liners
From: fulurum
Date: 10 Feb 00 - 12:36 AM

you may think your hot shit in a champagne glass but you ain't nothing but cold piss in a dixie cup.


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Subject: RE: BS: One Liners
From: wysiwyg
Date: 10 Feb 00 - 12:47 AM

I was born in the morning, but not this morning.

He who blushes is not yet a brute.

OK, they aren't one liners, but sometimes a snide retort is more fun for the teller, think of these as anti-heckler lines for all those hecklers out front. I know you think folkies don't get hecklers but that's only a sign you aren't playing in enough nursing homes or that there's no liquor license where you play.

This thread needs to include our self-deprecating band introductions that are so funny (to us).

Ours is,

"Hi, we're the Good News-Goodtime Band. We specialize in playing for deaf people who can't leave and tonight it's your turn. We're not performers, which you'll find out shortly, but we're loud and we're here to lead the fun-- and you'll need to sing with us so we'll sound a lot better. That's the Goodtime. The Good News is there'll only be one set."


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Subject: RE: BS: One Liners
From: katlaughing
Date: 10 Feb 00 - 01:07 AM

She got her good looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon. Groucho Marx

This strange beating together of hands has no meaning. To me it is very disturbing. We try to make sounds like music, and then in between comes this strange sound. Leopold Stokowski

My heart is pure as the driven slush. Tallulah Bankhead

Miami Beach is where neons go to die. Lenny Bruce

Lead me not into temptation; I can find the way myself. Rita Mae Brown


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Subject: RE: BS: One Liners
From: fulurum
Date: 10 Feb 00 - 01:58 AM

there was a singer the other night in our town who ended his show with this, "if you had half the fun that I did tonight, then I had twice as much fun as you did."


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Subject: RE: BS: One Liners
From: GUEST,Frankie
Date: 10 Feb 00 - 02:22 AM

If this world made any sense men would ride side saddle. -Rita Mae Brown

Your parents ruin the first half of your life and your children ruin the second. - WJ Bryan

Moderation in ALL things? Isn't that a bit extreme?

It's no fun to drink alone until you've had a few.


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Subject: RE: BS: One Liners
From: Lady McMoo
Date: 10 Feb 00 - 03:28 AM

For the older performer:

"Thank you...thank you ...you've made an old man very happy...!" (Aside to a unsuspecting audience member in the front row "You are happy aren't you sir....?")

For a knuckle-dragger audience:

"I'd rather have a full bottle in front of me than a full frontal lobotomy..."

mcmoo


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Subject: RE: BS: One Liners
From: GUEST,Roger the skiffler
Date: 10 Feb 00 - 04:09 AM

"I've emptied bigger rooms than this" RtS
"Don't clap too loud it's a very old building" 'Archie Rice' in John Osborne's The Entertainer
"Let's all join hands and try to conbtact the living" Ronnie Scott
RtS


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Subject: RE: BS: One Liners
From: GUEST,Roger the skiffler
Date: 10 Feb 00 - 04:25 AM

And the old standby in two alternatives:
You've been a wonderful audience-not tonight, obviously, but I'm sure you have been some time"
OR
Thank you, Wembley (as if!)I've had a wonderful time, not tonight, obviously, but I have had a wonderful time."
RtS


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Subject: RE: BS: One Liners
From: GUEST,John Gray / Australia.
Date: 10 Feb 00 - 04:26 AM

I joined the navy for wine, women and song, and all I ended up with was rum, bum and broken gramophone records.

You've got teeth like the keyboard on a navy piano, one black, one white, and one missing.

JG / FME


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Subject: RE: BS: One Liners
From: GUEST,Roger the skiffler
Date: 10 Feb 00 - 04:48 AM

THREAD CREEP WARNING: and if you need longer time to change string, instrument, get your breath back, have a drink, there's this shaggy dog story, intended as a lead in to Blue Suede Shoes but can be adapted:
Fame is largely dependent on what the media tells us, for example the Pope visited Cuba recently. Tight news blackout to avoid encouraging Catholic enthusiasm so rumours spread that someone famous was coming but they didn't know who. Plane land, Pope kisses tarmac, met by Foreign Minister: "Welcome to Cuba, Mr Presley". Pope "I'm not Elvis Presley, I'm the Pope". FR "Oh, Sorry, your Holiness" [pad story out with similar encounters on way to hotel]. Pope gets to hotel taking shower,knock at door, goes to door in towel [funny place for door -Oh,do get on with it, Roger] opens door,sees beautiful Cuban temptress, long black hair all down her back [none on her head, just down her back Roger! I've warned you..], short red dress, lovely brown eyes: "Oh, Mr Presley, I've always wanted to meet you!". Pope :" My child,[sings] It'sa one for the money, two for the show...."
Exit Skiffler in hail of coins (small denomination) bermugs and chairs
Tara a bit
RtS (I have to keep on the move, a new audience is easier to find than new jokes)


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Subject: RE: BS: One Liners
From: Lanfranc
Date: 10 Feb 00 - 05:17 AM

"Thank you for your support, I shall always wear it!" - Ronnie Scott (Diz Disley et al)

"I have nothing to declare but my genius!" - Oscar Wilde

"If wit was sh** you'd be constipated" - Anon

"Good evening, ladies, gentlemen, and those of you who have had the operation" - Redd Sullivan

||More


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Subject: RE: BS: One Liners
From: GUEST,Patrish
Date: 10 Feb 00 - 05:34 AM

Ah, I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.
It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial
Patrish


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Subject: RE: BS: One Liners
From: Midchuck
Date: 10 Feb 00 - 06:39 AM

"This next song was originally done by the Kingston Trio...Any Kingston Trio fans here?

(If any hands are raised): "It's your bedtime!"

(Lifted from Woods Tea Co.)

Peter.


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Subject: RE: BS: One Liners
From: Mbo
Date: 10 Feb 00 - 08:09 AM

"You know, in Celtic countries, we have songs about very beautiful and highly unattainable women--and we call these 'love songs.' And we have songs about beautiful, and very stong, and highly obtainable drink--and we call these 'love songs.'"
--Andy M. Stewart


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Subject: RE: BS: One Liners
From: Brian Hoskin
Date: 10 Feb 00 - 08:30 AM

"Smile" they said "It could be worse"

I did, and it was!


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Subject: RE: BS: One Liners
From: Amos
Date: 10 Feb 00 - 08:58 AM

That's my lads! Whatta witty community. I am impressed. More!

A


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Subject: RE: BS: One Liners
From: catspaw49
Date: 10 Feb 00 - 10:06 AM

That's because you are, quite obviously, easily impressed. For instance, that that pair of pants you had pressed last were done by a Sherpa on oxygen overload and the wrinkles were overlooked because of your interest as to why he left Nepal to live in California.

Spaw


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Subject: RE: BS: One Liners
From: Peg
Date: 10 Feb 00 - 10:13 AM

the classic, to a well-lubricated (by drink) audience at the end of the night: Look, you don't have to go home, but you can't stay here...

At the Burren, Karan Casey said, when the audience kept applauding and, naturally, wanting more: "Have you not homes to go to?"


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Subject: RE: BS: One Liners
From: Bert
Date: 10 Feb 00 - 10:13 AM

I sometimes start a performance showing off my 'birdseye maple' guitar (Your expensive Martin or Gibson would work just as well). Saying "I bought this using 'Peter's Placebo', you remember - An ounce of image is worth a pound of performance"


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Subject: RE: BS: One Liners
From: GUEST,Mbo
Date: 10 Feb 00 - 10:27 AM

Peg, Semisonic uses that line in their song "Closing Time." "Closing time, every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end." Ahhh...now there's a one liner. And a very important thought in my book. BTW another good Andy M. Stewart one-liner is "Everytime I come to America it rains. How do you people manage to live in a place like this?"

--Mbo


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Subject: RE: BS: One Liners
From: Midchuck
Date: 10 Feb 00 - 10:31 AM

A husband-and-wife duo we used to go to see a lot had a thing they would do for their own satisfaction, rather than the audience's, when they were playing a bar gig in a noisy bar, where only a handful of us sitting right up front were listening. At the end of the evening, as they closed up, the lady would smile radiantly at the audience, and say, very warmly, "F*** you, f*** you very much!"

No one whom it was intended for ever noticed.

Peter.


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Subject: RE: BS: One Liners
From: Amos
Date: 10 Feb 00 - 10:40 AM

Yer right, 'Spaw, but how did you know??

He told me why, too! Pretty women and no snow. Interested?

A


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Subject: RE: BS: One Liners
From: Blackcat2
Date: 10 Feb 00 - 10:51 AM

Classic from the Blues Brothers - "Good night - you don't have to go home, but you can't stay here!"

From Tom Waits, Spider Robinson, T-Bone Stankus etal : I'd rather have a free bottle in front of me than a pre-frontal lobotomy. (to me, a wonderful variation of that line)

From Liam Clancy to an audience - "Why don't we all join hands and contact the living?"

From Jeff Howell (local Orlando performer): "This next song is my favorite damn song!" (spoken before launching into about a third of the songs in each set.)

also from Jeff: "This is a song I wrote by the Beatles." (or by Jim Croce or whoever wrote the song.)

W.C. Fields when an ignorant fool asked if he'd like his whiskey with water: "Water ugnh! Fish fuck in it!"

"This is one of your favorite songs and I hope it's one of mine."

pax yall


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Subject: RE: BS: One Liners
From: kendall
Date: 10 Feb 00 - 10:55 AM

You would be over your head in a parking lot puddle.
He has given sodomy a bad name. (Winston Churchill)
He would screw up a wet dream.

After a particularlary inane intro, I said "Of all the introductions I have had, that is the most recent."


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Subject: RE: BS: One Liners
From: InOBU
Date: 10 Feb 00 - 11:08 AM

Groucho Marx : I have nothing but comfidence in you, and very little of that...
Fred Allan about Jack Benny: Benny was born ignorant, ... and has been loosing ground ever since... He is so cheap he wont eat in the sun, he is afraid his shadow might ask for a bite...
Larry


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Subject: RE: BS: One Liners
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 10 Feb 00 - 11:31 AM

W.C.Fields: Start each day with a smile--AND GET IT OVER WITH!


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Subject: RE: BS: One Liners
From: Troll
Date: 10 Feb 00 - 11:47 AM

For hecklers: Why don't you save your breath for your inflatable date.

You were here last night. I never forget a shirt.

Wrer you born stupid or did you take lessons?

For the crowd :

We'll take a short break. The bar is open so drink up. The more you drink, the better we sound.

When we start this next song, a little voice inside is going to say "Sing! Sing!". Don't listen to it.

troll


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Subject: RE: BS: One Liners
From: Blackcat2
Date: 10 Feb 00 - 11:50 AM

I often encourage people to sing along - and tell them the louder they sing the better I sound.


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Subject: RE: BS: One Liners
From: Amos
Date: 10 Feb 00 - 11:58 AM

From (I think) John Wayne in a military adventure:

"Life is tough. It's tougher if you're stupid."

A


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Subject: RE: BS: One Liners
From: GUEST,Praise (at Work)
Date: 10 Feb 00 - 12:09 PM

It takes longer if you don't start!


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Subject: RE: BS: One Liners
From: Amos
Date: 10 Feb 00 - 12:13 PM

Good point! And along with it,
"You have to change what is, if you want it to be different!"

A


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Subject: RE: BS: One Liners
From: sophocleese
Date: 10 Feb 00 - 12:21 PM

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

A day without sunshine is, like, night.

The early bird may get the worm but the second mouse gets the cheese.


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Subject: RE: BS: One Liners
From: Dharmabum
Date: 10 Feb 00 - 12:57 PM

The object in raising children is not to win or lose, but to minimize your losses. I started out with nothing, and still have most of it left. I'm trying to look at things from your point of view,but I can't get my head that far up my ass.


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Subject: RE: BS: One Liners
From: kendall
Date: 10 Feb 00 - 02:09 PM

that idiot would cross thread a wood screw (Gordon Bok)


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Subject: RE: BS: One Liners
From: jeffp
Date: 10 Feb 00 - 02:21 PM

What I wouldn't give for a tall cold beer and a short warm blonde!


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Subject: RE: BS: One Liners
From: GUEST,Terry
Date: 10 Feb 00 - 02:37 PM

"You must be mistaking me for someone who actually gives a shit".

"Have'nt I seen you on television? - interference!"


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Subject: RE: BS: One Liners
From: Cara
Date: 10 Feb 00 - 02:41 PM

said at the end of an evening--

"If you don't live here, work here, or sleep with someone who lives or works here, ya gotta go!"


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Subject: RE: BS: One Liners
From: Troll
Date: 10 Feb 00 - 02:41 PM

Me brudders a street missionary,

He saves wayward women from sin.

He'll save you a blond for five dollars.

My God how the money rolls in.

You'll have to find the beer on your own jeffp.

And remember , if you are baroque, it just means that you are out of monet. ( Who started this thread? Somebody stop me before I come up with another one. AAAARGH)

troll


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Subject: RE: BS: One Liners
From: Eric the Viking
Date: 10 Feb 00 - 03:22 PM

After a heavy night- "God , he had eyes like battling dogs bollocks- a mate used to say" I have been known to describe people as "a waste of skin" Oh well, I'll put me head back in the bucket! Cheers Eric


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Subject: RE: BS: One Liners
From: Amos
Date: 10 Feb 00 - 03:24 PM

You can tell his legs are too long -- he had to fold them over at the end and its beginning to fray!


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Subject: RE: BS: One Liners
From: kendall
Date: 10 Feb 00 - 03:32 PM

she's so tall, if she grows another inch, she'll fork again


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Subject: RE: BS: One Liners
From: Amos
Date: 10 Feb 00 - 03:33 PM

LOL!! You guys are funny!!

A


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Subject: RE: BS: One Liners
From: Eric the Viking
Date: 10 Feb 00 - 03:47 PM

Oh another one or two- Is THAT your arm? I thought it was a pencil! Call them legs? They look like two bits of string hanging from your skirt! Eric


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Subject: RE: BS: One Liners
From: Dharmabum
Date: 10 Feb 00 - 04:03 PM

Been wading in the shallow end of the gene pool again I see.


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Subject: RE: BS: One Liners
From: fulurum
Date: 10 Feb 00 - 04:12 PM

are troll and art thieme the same person?


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Subject: RE: BS: One Liners
From: Amos
Date: 10 Feb 00 - 04:13 PM

I thought "Troll" was JeffPee, a well known Tavern delicacy.


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Subject: RE: BS: One Liners
From: wysiwyg
Date: 10 Feb 00 - 05:53 PM

from a friend:

Seems that a while ago, some Boeing employees in the field decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. When they took it for a float on the Stilliguamish River, they were quite surprised by a Coast Guard helicopter homing in on the emergency locator that is activated when the raft is inflated. They are no longer employed at Boeing. ***************************************

I saw a lady at work today putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. I inquired as to what she was doing. She said she was shopping on the Internet, and they asked for a credit card number so she was using the ATM "thingy."


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Subject: RE: BS: One Liners
From: wysiwyg
Date: 10 Feb 00 - 05:53 PM

Since we've gone far beyond one liners and are obviously having great fun, here are some ticklers from a friend:

Seems that a while ago, some Boeing employees in the field decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. When they took it for a float on the Stilliguamish River, they were quite surprised by a Coast Guard helicopter homing in on the emergency locator that is activated when the raft is inflated. They are no longer employed at Boeing. ***************************************

I saw a lady at work today putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. I inquired as to what she was doing. She said she was shopping on the Internet, and they asked for a credit card number so she was using the ATM "thingy."


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Subject: RE: BS: One Liners
From: wysiwyg
Date: 10 Feb 00 - 06:15 PM

I don't know why so many of my postings are doubling up, maybe I need to toss a drink into the face of the CPU?


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Subject: RE: BS: One Liners
From: fulurum
Date: 10 Feb 00 - 06:23 PM

I just thught you were trying to be as twice as funny as everyone else.


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Subject: RE: BS: One Liners
From: Lanfranc
Date: 10 Feb 00 - 06:30 PM

Lady(?) to Winston Churchill - "Mr Churchill, you're drunk!"

WC to Lady - "Yes, madam, and you are ugly. When I wake tomorrow, I will be sober, but you will still be ugly!"

...#


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Subject: RE: BS: One Liners
From: wysiwyg
Date: 10 Feb 00 - 06:41 PM

No, and it wasn't that I thought you all have such short attention spans either.


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Subject: RE: BS: One Liners
From: kendall
Date: 10 Feb 00 - 07:14 PM

I saw Phyllis Diller on the beach the other day. With a full tan, she looked like a used pipe cleaner". Bob Hope


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Subject: RE: BS: One Liners
From: Midchuck
Date: 10 Feb 00 - 07:35 PM

The one about Churchill reminded me.

George Bernard Shaw was, so it is told, accosted by one of the social belles, who said "Mr. Shaw, we should have a child together. Think what a wonderful child it would be, with your brains and my beauty!"

Shaw repied, of course, "Yes, madam, but what if it turned out to have your brains and my beauty?


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Subject: RE: BS: One Liners
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 10 Feb 00 - 07:45 PM

The early worm gets the bird!


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Subject: RE: BS: One Liners
From: catspaw49
Date: 10 Feb 00 - 08:01 PM

Dorothy Parker, upon the death of her husband, was asked by some poor woman, "Is there anything I can get you?" She replied, "Another man." The woman was appalled (she must not have known Dorothy Parker) and showed her displeasure to which Parker responded, "OK then, get me a ham sandwich."

Geeziz, I would have given anything to have been a fly on the wall at the Algonquinn Round Table. Those people had sarcastic wit down to a science. Woolcott, Parker, and of course, the quickest wit that may ever have lived, George Kaufman.

He was at a dinner party with another boring and chatty female guest. When she paused (briefly) in her ramblings, Kaufman asked, "Madam, do you have any UN-expressed thoughts?" Even as a child he had it. Someone he disliked, a relative I believe, was coming for a visit and his mother said (as all parents do), "It wouldn't hurt to be nice to her." George responded, "Well, that would depend upon your threshold of pain."

Spaw


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Subject: RE: BS: One Liners
From: Midchuck
Date: 10 Feb 00 - 08:24 PM

Here (in Rutland County, VT) we have Lake Bomoseen, in which lies Neshobe Island. Wolcott used to own it, and the whole Round Table vacationed there. One story is that Dorothy Parker arrived with no luggage except a large hat box, containing a large sun hat, which was her costume for the weekend.

The other legend is that Harpo Marx took it upon himself to protect the group from trespassers - people who landed boats on the island to see what was going on. He did this by leaping out of the bushes and running at them, naked and howling abuse.

There's a song there. Someday I'll get it written.

Peter.


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Subject: RE: BS: One Liners
From: catspaw49
Date: 10 Feb 00 - 08:33 PM

I think the Harpo story is more true than apocryphal. The Marx's were incredible characters. Always found it interesting that Woolcott and Harpo were such buddies. Opposites do attract.

Spaw


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Subject: RE: BS: One Liners
From: Troll
Date: 10 Feb 00 - 09:04 PM

Fulcrum. troll and art are NOT the same person .Neither are troll and Jeffpee the same,Amos. troll is troll . When he was born the doctor took a look and slapped his mother. troll is also the alter ego of John, a mild mannered postal worker in sunny Florida. John would never make bad jokes and especially not in a public forum. But troll would. Actually, John is retired from the PO. He was starting to worry them. He smiled a lot. They thought he was up to something. He wasn't. He had merely gotten the joke.

troll


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Subject: RE: BS: One Liners
From: Hagbardr
Date: 10 Feb 00 - 09:22 PM

Amazing! You can have your head in the clouds AND your mind in the gutter!

Seen on a bumber sticker: Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?

Hagbard


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Subject: RE: BS: One Liners
From: catspaw49
Date: 10 Feb 00 - 09:28 PM

Ita Ok Troll...Amos can act oddly at times. The aliens didn't remove their anal probe.

Spaw


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Subject: RE: BS: One Liners
From: Troll
Date: 10 Feb 00 - 09:32 PM

Thanks Spaw. I kinda wondered about it is all. You can find goddesses all over the place but a good bike doesn't come along every day.

troll


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Subject: RE: BS: One Liners
From: Troll
Date: 10 Feb 00 - 09:37 PM

Damn! Wrong thread! I need to get more rest. And up my medication. that reply should have been on hte tavern thread.

(a very red-faced)

troll


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Subject: RE: BS: One Liners
From: GUEST,Brendy
Date: 10 Feb 00 - 09:40 PM

Offended lady, on spotting that Oscar Wilde's trousers were not totally buttoned up.

"Mr. Wilde, your penis is sticking out!!"

"You flatter yourself Madame, it is hanging out."

"If my dog had a face like yours, I'd shave it's arse and teach it to walk backwards." - not O. Wilde
B.


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Subject: RE: BS: One Liners
From: Amos
Date: 10 Feb 00 - 09:41 PM

Naaa, you guys just haven't been enchanted; besides, with the kind of dough she must have in the Goddess business, if I play my cards right in the limo, I'll get me a like-new Indian. Whoooeee. :>)

You gotta know I couldn't have made that jump with a D-28 and an anal probe.

A


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Subject: RE: BS: One Liners
From: Troll
Date: 10 Feb 00 - 09:49 PM

Amos I'm gonna let you have this one for free and it ain't often that I pass up a straight line like that. I must be gettin soft in my dottage.

troll


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Subject: RE: BS: One Liners
From: Amos
Date: 10 Feb 00 - 10:03 PM

ROFLMAO, Troll -- deal -- I'll letcha drive the Injun soon...


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Subject: RE: BS: One Liners
From: Troll
Date: 10 Feb 00 - 10:06 PM

Yer on. I'll bring the drinks.

troll


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Subject: RE: BS: One Liners
From: Amos
Date: 10 Feb 00 - 10:53 PM

Burble burble burble vroom


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Subject: RE: BS: One Liners
From: wysiwyg
Date: 10 Feb 00 - 11:18 PM

Troll, if your dottage is soft you need another thread entirely. Perhaps the effects of being too long in the tavern have taken their toll. troll.

Now is it REALLY toll or troll the ancient yuletide carol?

You must tell us!

Why would anyone go trolling for Carol?


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Subject: RE: BS: One Liners
From: kendall
Date: 11 Feb 00 - 08:33 AM

Clearly, some of you are not threaded all the way on.


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Subject: RE: BS: One Liners
From: Eric the Viking
Date: 12 Feb 00 - 06:25 AM

Hermione Gingold I believe was being upstaged by another actress and apparently has (in the play) to place her empty champagne glass on the table- she put a spot of gum underneath the glass and put the glass overhanging the edge of the table- for the rest of the play all eyes were on the glass waiting for it to fall! Wasn't she also the woman that met a famous writer who had used the word "fudge" in his book as a swear word and said to him "So you are the young man that can't spell fuck"? Eric


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Subject: RE: BS: One Liners
From: Callie
Date: 12 Feb 00 - 07:38 AM

2 insults:

You're as dumb as a box of hair.

You're so dumb it's like the wheel is spinning but the hamster's dead.

Callie


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Subject: RE: BS: One Liners
From: wildlone
Date: 12 Feb 00 - 08:29 PM

There stands Ladies and Gentlemen,a person who tried to join the human race,and failed.
dave


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Subject: RE: BS: One Liners
From: Hagbardr
Date: 12 Feb 00 - 09:28 PM

Insults somewhat disguised as compliments:

You're as tough as nails and twice as smart! You're as smart as you are handsome!

Hagbard


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Subject: RE: BS: One Liners
From: Pene Azul
Date: 12 Feb 00 - 10:03 PM

"Jazz is not dead—it just smells funny."
Frank Zappa (1973)


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Subject: RE: BS: One Liners
From: GUEST,Frankie
Date: 13 Feb 00 - 09:01 AM

Writing about music is like dancing about architecture.- laurie anderson

You can lead a whore to culture but you can't make her think. - Dorothy Parker (this in no way represents my opinion of practitioners of the oldest profession. I just like her clever twist on an old saw.) F


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Subject: RE: BS: One Liners
From: GUEST,artnsole1@aol.com
Date: 13 Feb 00 - 09:33 AM

ithink it was bessie braddock who said that to w.churchill she also said that "if i was your wife i'd poison you" to which he replied "if i was your husband i'd drink it"


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Subject: RE: BS: One Liners
From: Art Thieme
Date: 14 Feb 00 - 01:05 PM

Death is natures way of getting your family off your back!!!!!!!!! ;-)

Art


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Subject: RE: BS: One Liners
From: Troll
Date: 14 Feb 00 - 01:22 PM

It is not troll the ancient yuletide carol, but troll the ancient. If I went trolling for Carol, my wife would have my head on a platter a'la John the Baptist! And I have paid my toll thank you very much!

Death is natures way of telling you to slow down. More for hecklers. (I've played some tough places)

I'm trying to imagine you with a personality. You must use that personality for birth control. If I throw a stick, Will you leave? I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public. And lastly: I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

troll


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Subject: RE: BS: One Liners
From: wysiwyg
Date: 14 Feb 00 - 01:33 PM

From the mouth of an Alabamian:

She was so ugly she coudn't sneak up on a stump.

They hit him with the ugly stick, and they used the whole tree.

She ain't wrapped too tight.

Don't get your panties in a wad. (Other regions' variants, knickers in a twist, etc.)

From my mother: When they were handing out brains, she thought they said trains, so she asked for a slow one. (There are hundreds of variants)

An old one: Did you hear about the [ethnic group] [or hair color] bank robber? S/he tied up the safe and blew the guard.


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Subject: RE: BS: One Liners
From: Fortunato
Date: 14 Feb 00 - 01:34 PM

Here's a few: You're so lazy, that if you woke up with nothing to do today, you'd go to bed with it only half done.

It's no fun to drink alone until you've had a few.

Good evening, ladies, gentlemen, and those of you who have had the operation

The early bird may get the worm but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I'm trying to look at things from your point of view, but I can't get my head that far up my ass.

And remember, if you are baroque, it just means that you are out of Monet.

I remember the first time I kissed a girl; we were seventeen. Seventeen? Yes. She was eight and I was nine, and that made us seventeen

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

Marriage (Divorce) has allowed me to I work myself up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.

On our second honeymoon my wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night. Only this time, I stayed in the bathroom and cried.

The drummer's girl friend had long blonde hair. It was a foot long and grew out of her left nostril. She caught a cold and almost flogged herself to death.

I don't like to drink...but it's the only way I can get it down.

Cheers, Fortunato


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Subject: RE: BS: One Liners
From: wysiwyg
Date: 14 Feb 00 - 01:43 PM

The big D, the gift that keeps on giving.


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Subject: RE: BS: One Liners
From: GUEST,Jim Dixon
Date: 14 Feb 00 - 08:11 PM

My favorite source of one-liners (and two-liners) is comedian Steven Wright. Examples:

"The sign in the restaurant said, 'Breakfast any time', so I said 'I'll have French toast during the Renaissance.'"

"Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before."

"I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically."

There are dozens of web sites that list these. Use your search engine to find them.


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Subject: RE: BS: One Liners
From: kendall
Date: 15 Feb 00 - 07:44 PM

She was so ugly, the tide wouldn't take her out.


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Subject: RE: BS: One Liners
From: wysiwyg
Date: 15 Feb 00 - 07:52 PM

And she was waiting for the tide at the Mudcat Island Folk Festival...

Where she lingers longingly on the languid shore,

yet knowing her ship won't come in no more.


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Subject: RE: BS: One Liners
From: Amos
Date: 15 Feb 00 - 08:39 PM

Never ye mind, pretty Praise...you can use ours.


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Subject: RE: BS: One Liners
From: wysiwyg
Date: 15 Feb 00 - 11:13 PM

Aw, I do thank ye, kind sir, but no, I'll be goin' home with the gent what brung me, and it's prayin' f'yer souls we'll be too!

The gel ye thought were me on the shore's but a shadow of me former self, which now's a lass o'light from deep inside.

So I'll thank ye and yer kind lads to keep yer good shi* ta yersel's!


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Subject: RE: BS: One Liners
From: GUEST,Jim Dixon
Date: 01 Mar 00 - 07:17 PM

So long, folks! If I don't see you in the future, I'll see you in the pasture.


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Subject: RE: BS: One Liners
From: Mooh
Date: 02 Mar 00 - 10:39 AM

My old friend, teacher, and fishing buddy, George, now sadly passed on, used to say of those he thought may have used bad judgement, "He's put his nose where I wouldn't put a stick." He also valued hindsight...


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Subject: RE: BS: One Liners
From: simon-pierre
Date: 02 Mar 00 - 11:05 PM

The world is a stage, said Shakespeare. What a bad casting! - Felix Leclerc


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Subject: RE: BS: One Liners
From: pastorpest
Date: 04 Mar 00 - 03:17 PM

Sorry to throw in a serious one from a philosopher, Neitsche, whom I don't even care for, but I like the one liner.

Life with out music would be a mistake.


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Subject: RE: BS: One Liners
From: GUEST,Homeless (somewhere else)
Date: 05 Mar 00 - 01:02 AM

How many times do I have to flush before you go away?


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Subject: RE: BS: One Liners
From: BlueJay
Date: 05 Mar 00 - 02:05 PM

W.C.Fields, on his deathbed, was seen to be reading The Bible. When asked what he was doing, he replied, "Looking for loopholes".

Harold Ross, possibly to James Thurber, interviewing for a position at The New Yorker: "...and don't think you'll be starting as a reporter. You'll begin as Managing Editor like everyone else".

The Dorothy Parker line listed in GUEST, Frankie's post was her response when asked to use the word "horticulture" in a sentence: "You can lead a horticulture but you can't make her think".

A lady remarked to James Thurber that his stories seemed even funnier in French than in English. He said, "Yes, I always seem to lose something in the original".

At first, I was hesitant to join The Mudcat Cafe. As Groucho Marx so aptly put it: "I would never belongto any club that would allow me as a member".


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Subject: RE: BS: One Liners
From: GUEST,thomas the rhymer
Date: 05 Mar 00 - 03:06 PM

He was so thin, he had to jump around in the shower,... just to get wet.

cocaine is GOD's little way of telling you that you've got too damn much money.

jack sprat could eat no fat, his wife could eat no lean,.. so whatdoyaknow between them both they licked the platter clean...

why, that's so simple, an eight year old kid could figure it out,... so,..... whatareyastandinaround for?... go get an eight year old kid, and we"ll be done before you know it!


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Subject: RE: BS: One Liners
From: GUEST,The Beanster
Date: 05 Mar 00 - 09:46 PM

Catspaw49, Thanks for the chuckle! I actually giggled out loud when I read your little telescope joke. Too funny!


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Subject: RE: BS: One Liners
From: Troll
Date: 05 Mar 00 - 10:35 PM

Life is something to do when you can't get to sleep.

Sex: The thing that take up the least amount of time and causes the greatest amount of trouble. John Barrymore

troll


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Subject: RE: BS: One Liners
From: GUEST,The Beanster
Date: 06 Mar 00 - 09:41 AM

If sex took John Barrymore "the least amount of time," no wonder it caused him trouble.


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Subject: RE: BS: One Liners
From: GUEST,Jim Dixon
Date: 06 Mar 00 - 09:56 AM

Our first CD was a million-seller. Yeah, we still have a million copies down in the cellar.

We just signed a big contract with Columbia Records. [Wait for applause.] Yeah, we only have to buy 6 CD's in the next two years, and we get 12 free ones.


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Subject: RE: BS: One Liners
From: wysiwyg
Date: 06 Mar 00 - 10:12 AM

KORF'S JOKE

Korf has invented a new kind of joke:
The point comes only many hours after.
All listen to them with disdain and boredom.

But like the light that shineth in the darkness
They rouse you from your slumbers wildly gurgling,
Holding your sides and laughing like a drain.

Christian Morgenstern
(trans. RFC Hull)


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This Thread Is Closed.


Mudcat time: 21 September 6:34 AM EDT

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