Funniest Talking Blues Song
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Funniest Talking Blues Song

OLD MAN ATOM (Atomic Talking Blues/Talking Atom)

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Schantieman 19 Mar 04 - 05:38 AM
GUEST,Juniorfan 05 Oct 07 - 07:11 PM
Peace 05 Oct 07 - 07:36 PM
Bill D 05 Oct 07 - 07:37 PM
bobad 05 Oct 07 - 07:54 PM
bobad 05 Oct 07 - 08:07 PM
Mr Red 06 Oct 07 - 10:32 AM
Big Jim from Jackson 06 Oct 07 - 10:54 AM
GUEST,Jim 06 Oct 07 - 11:16 AM
GUEST,Warwick Slade 06 Oct 07 - 11:23 AM
Bill D 06 Oct 07 - 11:37 AM
GUEST 06 Oct 07 - 06:30 PM
Rog Peek 06 Oct 07 - 07:09 PM
Janie 06 Oct 07 - 09:05 PM
Mike Miller 07 Oct 07 - 12:47 AM
Dave the Gnome 07 Oct 07 - 10:53 AM
GUEST,Jim 09 Oct 07 - 11:35 AM
Art Thieme 09 Oct 07 - 12:34 PM
GUEST,Wayne 09 Oct 07 - 03:40 PM
GLoux 09 Oct 07 - 04:07 PM
GUEST,jim 15 Oct 07 - 06:07 PM
clueless don 16 Oct 07 - 08:35 AM
GUEST,The Magician 12 Apr 10 - 08:31 AM
GUEST,Whitby fan 07 May 11 - 12:08 PM
Beer 07 May 11 - 12:31 PM
GUEST,Rocky Folkrocker 06 Feb 13 - 11:41 AM
GUEST,Musket sans cookie 06 Feb 13 - 12:19 PM
Bettynh 08 Feb 13 - 12:40 PM
kendall 08 Feb 13 - 05:08 PM
Fossil 08 Feb 13 - 07:05 PM
voyager 09 Feb 13 - 11:49 AM
kendall 09 Feb 13 - 12:39 PM
Jim Dixon 17 Dec 17 - 01:25 PM
Jim Dixon 17 Dec 17 - 06:12 PM
ketchdana 18 Dec 17 - 01:31 AM
Tattie Bogle 18 Dec 17 - 04:48 PM
keberoxu 18 Dec 17 - 07:41 PM
Jim Dixon 24 Dec 17 - 12:37 AM
leeneia 26 Dec 17 - 11:10 AM
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Subject: RE: Funniest Talking Blues Song
From: Schantieman
Date: 19 Mar 04 - 05:38 AM

I'm surprised no-one's mentioned the TALKING FOLK CLUB BLUES as performed by Fred Wedlock back in the seventies. Maybe it's not funny ;-)


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Subject: RE: Funniest Talking Blues Song
From: GUEST,Juniorfan
Date: 05 Oct 07 - 07:11 PM

Where would I find the Chords to This song?

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Subject: RE: Funniest Talking Blues Song
From: Peace
Date: 05 Oct 07 - 07:36 PM

What song?

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Subject: RE: Funniest Talking Blues Song
From: Bill D
Date: 05 Oct 07 - 07:37 PM

??? which song? You gotta say more than that.

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Subject: RE: Funniest Talking Blues Song
From: bobad
Date: 05 Oct 07 - 07:54 PM

Uncle DaveO, in regards to the song TALKING UNDERTAKER BLUES which you mentioned in your post of 18 Mar 04 - 11:55 AM , it is a Patrick Sky song entitled "TALKING SOCIALIZED ANTI-UNDERTAKER BLUES" a recording of which is included on the compilation album "Singer Songwriter Project" issued on the Electra label as EKS 7299 which also featured Bruce Murdoch, Dick Farina, and Dave Cohen.

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From: bobad
Date: 05 Oct 07 - 08:07 PM

One of my favorites is:

Song Lyrics

Well, when Woody Guthrie was sick and dying
Bob Dylan visited him as he was lying
In a hospital bed, Bob sang him songs
Woody smiled and said I'm glad you come
You belong here
Go forth and be the voice of your generation

Well, above Beverly Hills one night real late
I snuck past a security gate
Parked by a Mercedes Benz
Climbed up a barbed wire fence and over
Couple of scratches, but I'd made it
To the home of Bruce Springsteen

Well, I found the boss asleep in bed
Pillows piled up round his head
I turned on the light took off my coat
Stuck a thermometer down his throat
Said don't talk
You look pale, Boss
Not at all well

I said you look bad and I asked him could he
Think of us as Bob and Woody
I said you just rest your pretty head
As I sing to you in your hospital bed
He said what the hell you talking about
I ain't sick
This ain't a hospital
And how'd you get past the security gate?

I said I wrote you a song called Song To Bruce
With a tune I stole from one of yours
To his platinum records next I pointed
Said I just want to be anointed
Springsteen, I wrote you a song
'Bout a funny ol' world that's a coming along
Seems sick and it's tired it's hard and it's torn
It looks like it's dying and it's hardly been born
He started really looking sick
And I stopped singing

Then Patty his wife came in I said jeez
I'm sorry about your husband's incurable disease
I'm here to help any way I can
You know, Woody and Bob, Bruce and Dan
She said honey, what am I hearing?
He said baby, you know I'm in the prime of life
I said down to two million in sales last time out
Read the signs, Patty

He said some people think this record's my best
I said shhhhh, you need your rest
He said there's a madman on the loose
I said Woody and Bob, Dan and Bruce

He sprang out of his bed and said
All right, I've heard enough of this stuff
He grabbed my throat and dragged me hard
Down the hall and through the yard
Surprising strength for a dying man

Well, he threw me out the way I come
Barbed wire scraped my face and thumbs
I've been thinking ever since
Bob and Woody
Dan and the artist formerly known as Prince
Dan and Madonna
Bob and Woody-
Dan and Bob
So long, Bel Air
Howdy, Malibu

You should really hear it sung for full effect, Dan does some real funny voice caricatures of Bob and Bruce.

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Subject: RE: Funniest Talking Blues Song
From: Mr Red
Date: 06 Oct 07 - 10:32 AM

I once wrote a forgettable lyric called Talking Cow Blues about a lass known locally as Yappie Maggie. She wans't benign.

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Subject: RE: Funniest Talking Blues Song
From: Big Jim from Jackson
Date: 06 Oct 07 - 10:54 AM

One of the early proponents of talking blues was a fellow named Robert Lunn. Robert was a regular on the Grand Ol Opry in the late '30's and early '40's. At one point he received more fan mail than any other Opry performer. Starday Records issued an LP a number of years ago, but I don't know how a person could get a copy unless some 'Catter has it and would make it available by copying it. Songster Bob mentioned in a post above that The Original "TALKING BLUES" from back in the late "20's and gave a brief quote of some of the lyrics. Robert did a "cover" of that particular song. An additional part went something like:
Down in the henhouse on my knees
I thought I heard a chicken sneeze.
It was nothin' but the rooster sayin' his prayers,
Givin' out orders to the hens upstairs.
Just a preachin';
Prayin', too;
Givin' out religion.

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Subject: RE: Funniest Talking Blues Song
From: GUEST,Jim
Date: 06 Oct 07 - 11:16 AM

I forget who wrote it, but the Renovation Talking Blues was a good one.

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Subject: RE: Funniest Talking Blues Song
From: GUEST,Warwick Slade
Date: 06 Oct 07 - 11:23 AM

Remember 'LIFE GETS TEEJUS, DON'T IT?' Who did that now?

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Subject: RE: Funniest Talking Blues Song
From: Bill D
Date: 06 Oct 07 - 11:37 AM

"LIFE GETS TEEJUS, DON'T IT?" was done by Doc Watson, among others.

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Subject: RE: Funniest Talking Blues Song
Date: 06 Oct 07 - 06:30 PM

"TALK BACKWARDS" - by Steve Goodman

"A LITTLE BIT LATE" - Lewie Wickham

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Subject: RE: Funniest Talking Blues Song
From: Rog Peek
Date: 06 Oct 07 - 07:09 PM


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Subject: Lyr Add: TALKIN' HARVEST TIME BLUES (S Davis)
From: Janie
Date: 06 Oct 07 - 09:05 PM

Keep waitin' for somebody to mention Stephanie Davis'


Well, it starts with a catalogue that comes in the mail
In the middle of the winter, when you've had it with those pale
Thick-skinned, store-bought, sorry, hard-as-rock
Excuses for tomatoes with the flavor of a sock

And there on the cover sits THE juicy, red, ripe
Homegrown tomato you've had dancing in your head
Never mind you said last August that you'd had it up to here
With the hoeing and the weeding--that's what you say every year!

So, you fix a cup of cocoa, sink into your favorite chair
Put your feet up and you thumb through the pictures and compare
Big Boys, Better Boys, Early Girls, Romas
The new disease and drought-resistant hybrid from Sonoma!

Then it's on to peas and carrots, lima beans and beets and kale
And you've never tried kohlrabi--say, the lettuce is on sale!
What's a garden without sweet corn?--better plant some marigolds
And you just read in "Prevention" 'bout how garlic's good for colds!

So, you phone an order in that nearly melts your Visa card
Then stare out at the foot of snow that blankets your backyard
And visualize your garden, oh, so peaceful and serene
Until at last you close your eyes and slip into a dream about:

CHORUS: Harvest time (bushels of red, ripe tomatoes!)
Harvest time (sweet corn that melts in your mouth!)

Well, the days turn to weeks and the next thing you know
There's a robin at the feeder and the last patch of snow
Disappears 'bout the time that a UPS truck
Backs up to your house and you stand there, awestruck

As 47 "Perishable--Plant Right Away"-
Marked boxes are unloaded on your porch as you say,
"Are you sure?" "Yes, ma'am, need your signature here?
Looks like someone's gonna have 'em quite a garden this year!"

Well, you watch him drive away, then you sink to your knees
'Cause you feel a little woozy: Forty-seven boxes--Please!
God, I know I've got a problem and we've had this talk before
But help me this one last time--I won't order anymore!

Just then, as if in answer to your prayer, your sister's van
Pulls up into the driveway with Aunt Martha, Uncle Stan,
Two nephews and a cousin, who just stopped to say hello
But soon are sporting calluses as up and down each row

You, their warden, push 'em; it's a scene from "Cool Hand Luke":
"Over there--those clods need breaking! Leave more space around that cuke!
See those bags of steer manure? Bring a dozen over--fast!
Yes, I know you have lumbago, but you'll thank me when at last (it's)

CHORUS: Harvest time (show you what a real strawberry tastes like!)
Harvest time (might even let you help me dig potatoes!)

Well, that night it starts to sprinkle and you can't help feeling smug
'Cause your garden's in the ground and getting watered while you're snug
Underneath the covers, or at least until midnight
When the temperature starts dropping and in no time you're smack right

In the middle of your garden, in your jammies, on your knees
With a headlamp and a hammer and some tarps and jeez Louise
It's cold but you keep working 'till the last plant's safe from harm
And there's holes in your new jammies and bursitis in your arm

"Cause by gosh, you're a gardener right down to your muddy clogs
And even when the rabbits take your lettuce and stray dogs
Pee on your zucchini and a fungus coats your kale
"Cause it's rained for two weeks' solid--do you falter? Do you fail?

Yep. You throw your hoe down, stamp your feet and call it quits
Declare to all the neighborhood that gardening is the pits
And you'll never plant another and this one can bloody rot
Then suddenly the sun breaks through the clouds and, like as not

You see a couple weeds you must have missed the last go-round
And shake your head and meekly pick your hoe up off the ground
And hoe and keep on hoeing 'till your romas dangle red,
Ripe and juicy on the vine, sweet corn towers overhead,
Beans hang from their trellis, big orange pumpkins sprawl about
And you get that satisfying feeling once more when you shout:

CHORUS: Harvest time (Break out the canning jars!)
Harvest time (Man the pressure cooker!)
Harvest time (You have to take zucchini--we're related!)
Harvest time (Now THIS is a tomato!)

Stephanie Davis
Recluse Music (BMI)
(970) 870-3112
All Rights Reserved

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Subject: RE: Funniest Talking Blues Song
From: Mike Miller
Date: 07 Oct 07 - 12:47 AM

Back in the day, when the Left was able to poke fun at itself, the two headed radical that was Dave VanRonk and Roy Berkeley put together a parody of The People's Songbook which they called The Boss's Songbook. It was more dangerous times for liberals. There was the HUAC and the ever popular Sen. Joseph McCarthy and his pocketful of inuendo. Still, folks, back then, were secure enough to laugh at the situation. One of the selections was a takeoff on Pete's "Talking
Union Blues". As I recall it started out like this.

Listen here, boy, what's this I see?
It seems you're makin' more than me.
It's plain to see we need a change.
Let's find out what we can arrange.
We need a union
How 'bout the Soviet Union?

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Subject: RE: Funniest Talking Blues Song
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 07 Oct 07 - 10:53 AM

I am trying to remember the one [TALKING FOLK CLUB BLUES] Fred Wedlock used to do (and now Spot the Dog does it)- Let me see if I can get most of it...
(Bracketed) bits are asides. ....'s are forgotten bits.

I was travelling down the M64
Doing a ton or maybe more
When I passed a sign saying {wherever} town
And said, man, I'd better slow it down.
(I was developing transverse epicyclic thrust in my torque-driven condenser unit. And my horn hadn't worked in weeks.)

Well, I stopped outside the nearest pub
A sign outside said 'Folk-in club'
Load of scruff-bums standing there
Like a fashion parade from the Army surplus store.
(Yea, man, hear it surp.)

Well, it was so dark and smokey in there
I came a cropper down the stair.
Man said 'Miss a step there son?'
I said 'No, I hit every bloody one'
(Something about smash violence and kill the warmongers.
We are having a peace riot is said aside - can't remember it.)

Well, I saw a groupie standing there
All bosom and bum and long blonde hair
I was feeling randy and fancied a bit
So I wandered over and squeezed her elbow.
(I said, 'Hey, love, fancy a drink?'
She said, 'You don't expect me to drink with a child do you?'
I said, 'Sorry, love. Didn't know you was pregnant.'
I said, 'No, seriously, what do you fancy. Cider or Guinness?'
She said, 'Cider! The distillation of the forbidden fruits of Paradise. When raised to my purple stained lips doth loosen my libido and send me into realms of ethereal delights. It loosens my cosmic consciousness. Oh, yea, man'
I said, 'Bloody hell! How do you rate Guinness then?'
She said 'It's a drag, man. Makes me fart.')

Then a man called Stefan Dyllon-Bjorn
Sang this epic song
His guitar was Japanese, I'll wager
With overdrive in E-flat major.
Fuel injected tuning pegs
And a hole for slicing hard-boiled eggs.

Played his guitar funny kind of way.
With all the strings tuned up to A.
(Out of tune guitar)

Then the barman started doing his bit for culture.
Playing 'Sunshine of your love'
On B-flat cash register and smokey-bacon maracas
And I thought.

This here folk music might be rubbish.
But, By Jingo
It's British rubbish!

If I can get Spot to come on I am sure he will fill in the gaps.



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Subject: Lyr Add: THE ALL AMERICAN BOY (Parsons/Lunsford)
From: GUEST,Jim
Date: 09 Oct 07 - 11:35 AM

The All American Boy
words and music by Bill Parsons and Orville Lunsford

Singer on the 45 single was really future country star Bobby Bare. He'd been
drafted into the Army in 1958 and left this demo behind. It was inadvertently
released as being sung by one of its writers, Bill Parsons.


Gather 'round, cats, and I'll tell you a story
About how to become an All American Boy
Buy you a gittar and put it in tune
You'll be rockin' and rollin' soon.
Impressin' the girls, pickin' hot licks, and all that jazz

I-I bought me a gittar a year ago
Learned how to play in a day or so
And all around town it was well understood
That I was knockin' 'em out like Johnny B. Goode
Hot licks, showin' off, ah number one.

Well , I 'd practice all day and up into the night
My papa's hair was turnin' white
Cause he didn't like rock'n'roll
He said "You can stay, boy, but that's gotta go."
He's a square, he just didn't dig me at all

So I took my gittar, picks and all
And bid farewell to my poor ole pa
And I split for Memphis where they say all
Them swingin' cats are havin' a ball
Sessions, hot licks and all, they dig me

I was rockin' and boppin' and I's a gettin' the breaks
The girls all said that I had what it takes
When up stepped a man with a big cigar
He said "come here, cat--I'm gonnna make you a star."
"I'll put you on Bandstand, buy ya a Cadillac, sign here, kid."

I signed my name and became a star
Havin' a ball with my gittar
Driving a big long Cadillac and fightin' the girls off ma back
They just kept a'comin', screamin', yeah-they like it

So I'd pick my gittar with a great big grin
And the money just kept on pourin' in
But then one day my Uncle Sam
He said (sound of 3 footsteps) "Here I am"
"Uncle Sam needs you, boy
I'm-a gonna cut your hair
ah-Take this rifle, kid
Gimme that gittar"               yeah.

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Subject: RE: Funniest Talking Blues Song
From: Art Thieme
Date: 09 Oct 07 - 12:34 PM

Mr. Paxton wrote "TALKING POP ART" on the day our son was born.

I always appreciated that!!


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Subject: RE: Funniest Talking Blues Song
From: GUEST,Wayne
Date: 09 Oct 07 - 03:40 PM

Tom Pacheco's TALKING GLUE is my favourite. It's on his debut album Turn Away From The Storm (1965). His BIRDSEYE HEAVEN is hilarious, too.



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Subject: RE: Funniest Talking Blues Song
From: GLoux
Date: 09 Oct 07 - 04:07 PM

I'm pretty sure "LIFE GETS TEEJUS, DON'T IT?" was written by Carson Robison and that's where Doc Watson got it...


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Subject: RE: Funniest Talking Blues Song
From: GUEST,jim
Date: 15 Oct 07 - 06:07 PM

I don't remember who sang it, but when I was a kid, my neighbours had a gramophone that played cylinder recordings and one of them was LIFE GETS TEEJUS, DON'T IT? Another was Hallelujah I'm A Bum.

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Subject: RE: Funniest Talking Blues Song
From: clueless don
Date: 16 Oct 07 - 08:35 AM



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Subject: RE: Funniest Talking Blues Song
From: GUEST,The Magician
Date: 12 Apr 10 - 08:31 AM

I was sittin' with ma guitar playing the blues,
see the mailman comin' he was bringin' bad news.
It said "Get on out of that civilian rut
we got a vacant bunk in an army hut".
Being a man of few words I didn't say much; I just fainted.

When I came too I told Ma an' Dad
they didn't seem to take it so bad,
Dad said "Son, you'll get by,
just keep ya boots polished and ya powder dry",
Went to the station to catch the train
said "G'bye" to Ma, Pa, and Jane
Jane said she'd Wait till all hell froze; sure must've been a cold winter.
Got t'other end without any harm
was met by a feller with MP on his arm,
sure didn't look like no member of parliament ta me.
He said "Hey you thar country hick, you lookin' for [I'VE FORGOTTEN THE REST CAN ANYBODY HELP???]

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Subject: RE: Funniest Talking Blues Song
From: GUEST,Whitby fan
Date: 07 May 11 - 12:08 PM

Does anyone have the lyrics to The Flat Pack Furniture Blues please.

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Subject: RE: Funniest Talking Blues Song
From: Beer
Date: 07 May 11 - 12:31 PM

Jerry Jeff Walker RAMBLIN', SCRAMBLIN'

Tryin' to get my mind untangled....
Ain't never seen nothin' in the whole wide world
That give more trouble than to try 'n love a girl.


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Subject: RE: Funniest Talking Blues Song
From: GUEST,Rocky Folkrocker
Date: 06 Feb 13 - 11:41 AM

The best has got to be "LIFE GETS TEEJUS, DON'T IT?"

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Subject: RE: Funniest Talking Blues Song
From: GUEST,Musket sans cookie
Date: 06 Feb 13 - 12:19 PM

Mike Harding's TALKIN' BLACKPOOL BLUES always made me chuckle.

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Subject: RE: Funniest Talking Blues Song
From: Bettynh
Date: 08 Feb 13 - 12:40 PM

When I searched my Itunes for talking blues, Gamble Roger's "CAPE CANAVERAL TALKING BLUES" popped up. You can listen to a sample here. Click on the jukebox, it's on the album "Oklawaha County Laissez-Faire." The words are a bit dated but lordy that man could play a guitar.

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Subject: RE: Funniest Talking Blues Song
From: kendall
Date: 08 Feb 13 - 05:08 PM

I recorded LIFE GETS TEEJUS, DON'T IT? on Folk Legacy back in 1974 I think it was. I learned it from Carson Robison.

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Subject: RE: Funniest Talking Blues Song
From: Fossil
Date: 08 Feb 13 - 07:05 PM

"TALKING GUITAR BLUES" by the great Lonnie Donegan. Still in my repertoire for open mic nights and still gets laughs. Has one of the best lines ever, I reckon:-

" pa, he took it a different way,
said - you c'n turn yer ma's hair grey,
drive yer sister away from home,
but you or me boy, gonna roam,
and I ain't leaving - you work it out..."

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Subject: RE: Funniest Talking Blues Song
From: voyager
Date: 09 Feb 13 - 11:49 AM

For consideration by the Academy -

MOOSE TURD PIE (U. Utah Phillips)

and my own original Talking Blues -


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Subject: RE: Funniest Talking Blues Song
From: kendall
Date: 09 Feb 13 - 12:39 PM

Utah did MOOSE TURD PIE as a story. I did it as a song which I learned from Joe Hickerson

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Subject: Lyr Add: TALKING HARD WORK (Woody Guthrie)
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 17 Dec 17 - 01:25 PM

This is spoken over guitar accompaniment, but there seems to be no connection between the rhythm of the spoken words and the music. Placement of the line breaks is kind of arbitrary, but I tried to put them where Woody punctuates his speech with little pauses or inflections.

As recorded by Woody Guthrie

    While we're on the subject of hard work, I just want to say that I always was a man to work.
    I was born working and worked my way up by hard work.
    I ain't never got nowhere yet, but I got there by hard work, work of the hardest kind.
    I've been down and I've been out.
    I've been disgusted and busted and I couldn't be trusted.
    I worked my way up and I worked my way down.
    I've been drunk and I've been sober, and I've been baptized and I got hijacked.
    I've been robbed for cash and I've been robbed on the credit.
    Worked my way in jail and I worked my way out of jail.
    Woke up a lot of mornings, didn't know where I was at.
    The hardest work I ever done was when I was trying to get myself a worried woman to help ease my worried mind.
    I'm gonna tell you just how much work I had to do to get this woman I was telling you about.
    I shook hands with 97 of her kinfolks and her blood-relatives and I done the same with 86 people that was just her friends and her neighbors.
    I kissed 73 babies and I put dry pants on 34 of them as well as others.
    Done the same thing several times as well as a lot of other things just about like this.
    I held 125 wild horses and I put saddles and bridles on more than that.
    I harnessed some of the craziest and wildest teams in that whole country.
    I rode 14 loco broncos to a standstill and I let 42 hound dogs lick me all over.
    Seven times I was bit by hungry dogs and I was chewed all to pieces by water moccasins and rattlesnakes on 2 river bottoms.
    I chopped and I carried 314 armloads of stove-wood, 109 buckets of coal,
    Carried a gallon of kerosene 18 miles over the mountains,
    Got lost,
    Lost a good pair of shoes in a mud-hole,
    And I chopped and I weeded 48 rows of short cotton,
    Thirteen acres of bad corn,
    I cut the sticker-weeds out of 11 back yards,
    All on account of 'cause I wanted to show her I was a man that liked to work.
    I cleaned out 9 barn lofts, cranked 31 cars, all makes and models,
    Pulled three cars out of mud-holes and 4 or 5 out of snowdrifts.
    I dug 5 cisterns of water for some of her friends,
    Run all kinds of errands.
    Played the fiddle for 9 church meetings,
    I joined 11 separate denominations.
    I joined up and I signed up with 7 of the best trade unions I could find.
    Paid my dues six months in advance.
    I waded 48 miles of swamps and 6 big rivers.
    Walked across 2 ranges of mountains, crossed 3 deserts.
    I got the fever, sunstroke, malaria, flu, moonstruck, skeeter-bit, poison ivy, seven-year itch, and the blind staggers.
    I was give up for lost and dead a couple of times,
    Struck by lightning, struck by Congress, struck by friends and kinfolks as well as by 3 cars on highways and a lot of times, people's hen-houses.
    I've been hit and run down, run over, and walked on, knocked around.
    I'm just setting here now trying to study up what else I can do to show that woman I still ain't afraid of hard work.

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From: Jim Dixon
Date: 17 Dec 17 - 06:12 PM

As recorded by Dan Bern on "dog boy van" (1997)

I don't know what made me go out that night.
At that hour I'd normally been in bed,
But I found myself lookin' up at the sky
At a very bright light straight overhead.
It flashed green,
And then red:
Santy Claus colors.

I stood there frozen in that light,
Then I started hearin' this kind of a whir.
The lights got louder and the noise got brighter [sic]
And I felt a sudden chill. Brr!
It was cold.
Shouldn't 'a' gone out without a coat.
My mom was right again.

This big ol' spaceship floated down
And hovered three feet above the earth.
Never been so scared in all o' my life.
Could 'a' given spontaneous birth,
If I was a woman,
And pregnant.

Well, these two little guys about four feet tall
Jumped off this space-age Greyhound bus.
They grabbed me by the arms and said:
"Start walkin', Dan; you're comin' with us."
They didn't actually speak but I understood 'em.

They strapped me down in this metal crate,
Took out this thirty-five-foot-long hose.
They said: "Don't worry; this won't hurt,"
Then they stuck that sucker up my nose:
All the way up!
I knew my nose was long but this was a surprise.

They examined me from head to toe,
Stuck prods in ev'ry orifice.
This coal-gray box come gave me a kiss
And extracted a couple o' quarts o' piss.
I felt dehydrated.

Then they waved this wand all round my brain,
Said: "Now we're readin' your brain, you see.
You got an awful lot o songs in there.
It seems they're all in the key o' G."
"So what about 'Marilyn?' That's in D."
They said: "D-flat, actually."
I said: "Well, yeah, 'cause I tuned down a half-step. What about 'Hannibal'?"
They said: "What about 'Hannibal'?"
I said: "Well, technically it's in G but it's really a drop-D tuning capoed up."
They said: "How come you don't play the harmonica more?"
I said: "How come I'm in a spaceship talkin' to aliens about my act?"
They said: "We'd rather talk physics but you're illiterate there."
I couldn't argue.

They dropped me someplace in Brazil.
Took a month to get back to the USA.
When I told my friends what I'd been through,
No one believed what I had to say.
That sucked.
It's to be expected though; most people think "Hannibal's" in straight tuning.

Well. my life's back to normal now.
I do the things I always do.
But once a week I meet with twelve other folks
Who've been abducted too.
I tell my story.
They tell theirs.
I don't believe them though.

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Subject: RE: Funniest Talking Blues Song
From: ketchdana
Date: 18 Dec 17 - 01:31 AM

Don't know about funniest. More of a "so true", from the sixties.

Talking "FOLK GUITAR PLUS" Blues

Well, a lady on the TV screen named Laura
Claimed she could teach me to play the guitar-a,
Could do it, in fact, without much fuss
If I'd watch her program, "Folk Guitar Plus".
    (plus banjo . . . plus recorder . . .
    not to mention the auto-harp.)

So I sent for the book, followed along,
Played "Aunt Rhody", mostly wrong,
But I kept right at it, day and night.
Only took a month to get it right.
    (Life of the party now . . . If only
    someone would request Aunt Rhody.)

The songs and the pickin' gets complicated
But I wait for each show with breath all bated,
'Cause just when I'm ready to give up tryin',
She smiles and says "You're doin' fine."
    (A little more pressure there . . .
    That's goo-, uh, better.)

I'm learning to pick the syncopated strum
And tie together chords, runs with the thumb.
Even readin' that tablature,
But my fingers are sore, that's for sure.
    (Look, Ma, hammerin' on . . .
    Now Ma, there's no call to say that.)

Someday I'll be a guitar player
But folk guitarists are no longer rare.
You meet them everywhere you go,
'Cause a million other people are watchin' that show.
    (Don't know any mor'n they do . . .
    Nor any less.)

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Subject: RE: Funniest Talking Blues Song
From: Tattie Bogle
Date: 18 Dec 17 - 04:48 PM

I'd have to nominate one of my friends, Jim Weatherston, of Newtongrange Folk Club - don't have all the words, nor can I remember them all, but always had us in stitches (sutures?) for his "Talking Pharmacy Blues"! Will see if he'll release the lyrics to the Mudcat world!

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Subject: RE: Funniest Talking Blues Song
From: keberoxu
Date: 18 Dec 17 - 07:41 PM

I've heard Woody Guthrie's recording of Talking [Blues] Hard Work.

There is only one place, Jim Dixon et alia,
where Guthrie's delivery of the words
is emphatically coordinated with the guitar strumming (mostly I V I chords, in the major mode).

To emphasize each disclosure, Guthrie marches the terms, one term at a time, through rhythmic guitar strumming. So that one special line of text sounds like:

(I - got - the)
Skeeter [mosquito?] - bit!
Poison Ivy!
Seven-Year Itch!
    -- and - the -
Blind Staggers!

(guitar goes on strumming during significant pause for breath)

I haven't heard it in years and years,
but that bit right there
is the part I remember best to this day.

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Subject: Lyr Add: TALKIN' KARATE BLUES (Townes Van Zandt)
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 24 Dec 17 - 12:37 AM

Somebody (I can't remember who) recommended this, and I expected I would like it, because I've liked several other songs by TVZ, but I must say, I'm disappointed with the way this descends into racial stereotypes. I think he even mixes up Japanese with Chinese stereotypes. I wouldn't recommend performing this song without doing some major surgery on it.

As recorded by Townes Van Zandt on "For the Sake of the Song" (2007)

Well, I ain't very big for twenty-one,
An' it seems like I never could have any good clean fun,
'Cause ev'ry time I'd go outside, some great big ol' bully'd come along,
An' he'd hit me in the face an' he'd knock me to the ground,
An' he'd start to kickin' me all around,
An' that ain't exactly fair, friends; that's wrong.

So I got me a paper the other night,
An' I crawled up on the sofa an' I turned on the light,
An' I flipped through the pages till I found the classified ads.
Said: "Take karate from Lee Hung Chow.
Man, make your first appointment now.
This course is guaranteed to make you bad."

Well, the next day I drove to the address,
An' by the Japanese design I was real impressed.
It looked like a reg'lar House o' the Rising Sun.
I walked inside; I was all alone.
I had a nervous feelin' down in my bones.
I's kind o' sorry I'd ever even come.

Then a giant Jap came through the door.
He must 'a' been at least 'bout seven foot four,
An' he looked like he's prone to easy aggravation.
He said: "Lee Hung Chow, ah kee dung!"
That's Japanese for "Fee fie fo fum."
I tried to explain my entire situation.

He said: "Number one course, Yankee: self-defense.
Two hundred dollars an' twenty-five cents."
I said: "Uh, what's the twenty-five cents for?" an' he said: "Repairs."
I said: "Repairs to what?" 'n' he said: "To you."
An' I thought to myself: "Man, that won't do."
I felt about a half-inch tall underneath that ol' slanted stare.

Oh, you think he was yella.

I said: "I b'lieve I better go check another place."
He said: "Ah so! Yankee don't like my race."
I said: "Now, there's a mistake, man, an' that's true.
Well, I been for you Japanese all along.
You Japanese just can't do no wrong,
An' I thought you got a mighty dirty deal in World War Two."

Well, he grabbed me by the hand an' he gave a heave,
An' I figured there's a pretty good time to leave,
Before he had a chance to do me any definite harm,
But m' plan worked out in the end, you see.
Now no bully's gonna pick on me.
Who's gonna hit a fella with just one arm?

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Subject: RE: Funniest Talking Blues Song
From: leeneia
Date: 26 Dec 17 - 11:10 AM

'The Chicken Cordon Blues' recorded, and perhaps written by Steve Goodman. It's about a guy who's unhappy because his sweetie wants him to be a vegetarian.

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