mudcat.org: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
Lyrics & Knowledge Personal Pages Record Shop Auction Links Radio & Media Kids Membership Help
The Mudcat Cafeawe

Post to this Thread - Printer Friendly - Home
Page: [1] [2] [3] [4] [5] [6] [7] [8] [9] [10] [11]


BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020

Mrrzy 29 May 20 - 06:49 PM
Mrrzy 29 May 20 - 06:46 PM
Donuel 29 May 20 - 05:10 PM
An Buachaill Caol Dubh 27 May 20 - 09:00 PM
Doug Chadwick 27 May 20 - 06:36 AM
An Buachaill Caol Dubh 26 May 20 - 08:59 AM
Jim Carroll 26 May 20 - 08:43 AM
Georgiansilver 26 May 20 - 08:23 AM
Mrrzy 25 May 20 - 10:57 PM
An Buachaill Caol Dubh 25 May 20 - 10:46 PM
Donuel 25 May 20 - 10:10 PM
Steve Shaw 25 May 20 - 04:47 PM
Donuel 25 May 20 - 04:29 PM
Jim Carroll 25 May 20 - 08:42 AM
Doug Chadwick 25 May 20 - 07:55 AM
Steve Shaw 25 May 20 - 06:26 AM
Jim Carroll 25 May 20 - 06:06 AM
Donuel 24 May 20 - 09:06 PM
Steve Shaw 24 May 20 - 08:51 PM
Mrrzy 24 May 20 - 06:52 PM
Jim Carroll 24 May 20 - 01:34 PM
Steve Shaw 24 May 20 - 08:38 AM
An Buachaill Caol Dubh 24 May 20 - 07:44 AM
Donuel 24 May 20 - 07:39 AM
An Buachaill Caol Dubh 23 May 20 - 07:17 PM
Ernest 23 May 20 - 10:02 AM
An Buachaill Caol Dubh 22 May 20 - 10:50 AM
Raggytash 22 May 20 - 09:20 AM
Georgiansilver 22 May 20 - 09:03 AM
Steve Shaw 22 May 20 - 08:35 AM
Doug Chadwick 22 May 20 - 07:02 AM
Jon Freeman 22 May 20 - 06:58 AM
Doug Chadwick 22 May 20 - 06:55 AM
Roger the Skiffler 22 May 20 - 06:04 AM
Doug Chadwick 21 May 20 - 09:55 AM
Georgiansilver 21 May 20 - 07:57 AM
Jim Carroll 20 May 20 - 03:00 PM
Doug Chadwick 20 May 20 - 02:34 PM
Jim Carroll 20 May 20 - 12:42 PM
Georgiansilver 19 May 20 - 03:22 PM
Jim Carroll 10 May 20 - 08:49 AM
Doug Chadwick 10 May 20 - 08:06 AM
Jim Carroll 10 May 20 - 06:24 AM
Jim Carroll 09 May 20 - 06:11 AM
Georgiansilver 09 May 20 - 05:45 AM
Jim Carroll 07 May 20 - 03:01 PM
Bainbo 07 May 20 - 02:36 PM
Jim Carroll 07 May 20 - 01:02 PM
Georgiansilver 04 May 20 - 06:17 AM
Jim Carroll 01 May 20 - 12:16 PM
Lyrics & Knowledge Search [Advanced]
DT  Forum
Sort (Forum) by:relevance date
DT Lyrics:






Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Mrrzy
Date: 29 May 20 - 06:49 PM

What's a foot long and slippery? A slipper.

And God said to John, "Come forth and you shall be granted eternal life." But John came fifth and won a toaster.

Will glass coffins be a success? Remains to be seen.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Mrrzy
Date: 29 May 20 - 06:46 PM

What's E.T. short for? Because he's only got little legs.

What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? Phillipe Phillope.

What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.

It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs. They always take things *so* literally.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Donuel
Date: 29 May 20 - 05:10 PM

30 Target stores in Minneapolis are closed due to riots.
3 Target stores were burned or damaged.



Andy Svenson

The civil unrest in Minneapolis and St. Paul has left a trail of burned out buildings, smashed windows, and looted stores across the Twin Cities.

Here are the reports of damage or looting that have come in since Wednesday evening. This story will be update as more reports come in:

In Minneapolis
– O'Reilly Auto Parts 35th and Nicollet: Property damage.

– Family Dollar 35th and Nicollet: Property damage.

– Pat's Tap 35th and Nicollet: Property damage.

– B-Squad Vintage 35th and Nicollet: Property damage.

– Speedway 35th and Nicollet: Property damage.

– Casablanca Foods 33rd and Nicollet: Property damage.

– Valerie's 32nd and Nicollet: Property damage.

– A Automall Inc. East Lake: Property damage, vehicles stolen.

– Speedway at 60th and Portland: Property damage.

– Broadway Clinic North Minneapolis: Property damage.

– Juxtaposition Arts North Emerson: Property damage.

– Sew Simple Nicollet and 24th: Property damage, looting.

– Park and Lake Car Wash on East Lake Street Windows broken, graffiti and some interior damage.


– Park-Nicollet Minneapolis Clinic: Property damage.

– Arby's Lake Street: Destroyed by fire.

– K-Mart Lake Street: Property damage.

– Penzey's Spices Uptown: Property damage, looting.

– Walgreens Hennepin and 27th: Property damage.

– Midori's Floating World Cafe Lake Street: Fire damage.

– GM Tobacco Lake and 27th: Fire damage.

– McDonald's Lake and 31st: Property damage.

– Walgreens Central and Lowry in Northeast: Property damage.

– Wells Fargo Lake Street: Fire and property damage.

– Ladditude Tattoo Lake and 27th: Fire damage.

– LV's Barbershop Lake and 27th: Fire damage.

– The Hub Bike Co-op Minnehaha and 30th: Property damage.

– J-Klips Lake Street: Property damage.

– 5 Guys Hennepin and 24th: Property damage.

– Holiday Hennepin and 25th: Property damage.

– Honda Town Lake and 43rd: Property damage.

– Tires Plus Lake and 34th: Property damage.

– Hennepin County Human Service Center: Property damage.

– ICC Wireless Lake Street: Property damage.

– Jackson Hewitt Tax Service: Property damage.

– Little Caesars Lake Street: Fire and property damage.

– Teppanyaki Grill Lake Street: Fire and property damage.

– Home Choice Lake Street: Fire and property damage.

– Dollar General Lake Street: Extensive fire damage.


– Twin Lake Dental: Fire and property damage.

– HD Laundry Lake Street: Fire and property damage.

– Citi Trends Lake Street: Fire and property damage.

– Total Wireless Lake Street: Fire and property damage.

– Pineda Tacos Lake Street: Property damage.

– Subway Lake Street: Property damage.

– 7 Mile Fashion Express East Lake Street: Destroyed by fire

– The Fremont Bar Uptown: Property damage, looting.

– O'Reilly Auto Parts West Broadway: Extensive fire damage.

– Broadway Liquor Outlet West Broadway: Property damage, looting.

– Quality Tobacco Lake and 1st: Extensive fire damage.

– Skol Liquor Store 27th Avenue: Property damage, looting.

– Max-It Pawn Shop Cedar Avenue: Extensive fire damage.

– Minnehaha Liquor Lake Street: Property damage, looting, extensive fire damage.

– Hexagon Bar at E 26th and 27th: Extensive fire damage.

– Target Lake Street: Looting, graffiti, property damage, fire damage.

– Wendy's Lake Street: Fire, destroyed.

– Autozone Lake Street: Fire, destroyed.

– Cub Foods Lake Street: Looting, property damage, fire damage.


Lou Raguse
?
@LouRaguse
The owners of this Cub gave me permission to show the damage inside

Embedded video
1,852
9:18 AM - May 28, 2020
Twitter Ads info and privacy
1,689 people are talking about this
– Under construction affordable housing development at 26th and 29th: Fire, destroyed.

– 7-Sigma building, 26th and 29th: Fire, extensive damage.

– Minneapolis 3rd Police Precinct: Property damage, graffiti.

– Dollar Tree off Lake Street: Property damage, looting.

– Metro by T-Mobile Lake Street: Fire, extensive damage.

– Hi Lake Liquor: Property damage, looting.

– Speedway East Lake Street: Property damage.

– East Lake Library: Windows smashed, graffiti.

– Precision Tune Auto Care Lake Street: Property damage.

– U.S. Bank Lake Street: Property damage, graffiti.

Sign up for our BREAKING NEWS newsletters

– Dairy Queen East Lake Street: Property damage.

– Papa Murphy's Pizza East Lake Street: Property damage.

– Planet Fitness on Lake: Property damage.

– Domino's Pizza 26th and 28th: Property damage.

– Urban Forage Winery and Cider House, Lake and 29th: Property damage, looting.

– Gandhi Mahal Restaurant, 27th and Lake: Window smashed.


Evan Frost
@efrostee
Some businesses like Gandhi Mahal have put up signs that they are minority owned, in hopes of not being looted. Still windows broken.

View image on Twitter
348
11:01 AM - May 28, 2020
Twitter Ads info and privacy
154 people are talking about this

– Car-X Tire & Auto East Lake Street: Property damage, vehicle smashed through windows.

– Frattelone's Ace Hardware East Lake Street: Property damage.

– MN Transitions Charter School: Property damage.

– Laundro Max East Lake Street: Window smashed.

– Soderberg's Floral & Gift East Lake Street: Property damage.

– East Lake Clinic: Property damage.

– Seward Pharmacy: Window smashed, graffiti.

– Electra Tune Auto Care on Lake St: Property damage, vehicle stolen.

– Walgreens at 43rd and Chicago: Property damage, looting.

– Elevated Beer Wine & Spirits, Hiawatha Ave: Property damage, looting.

– Schooner's Tavern, barbershop next door: Fire, property damage.

– Seward Co-op, 28th and Franklin: Window smashed, attempted theft of ATM.

– Midtown Global Market: Property damage, looting.

Screen Shot 2020-05-28 at 9.16.39 AM
Seward Community Co-op, Facebook

– Briva Health Lake Street: Window smashed.

– Foot Locker East Lake Street: Property damage, looting.

– BMO Harris East Lake Street: Property damage.

– TCF Bank at 38th and Minnehaha: Property damage.

– Studiiyo23 Hennepin Avenue, Uptown: Property damage, looting.

– DTLR, Broadway, North Minneapolis: Property damage, looting.

– Uptown Pawn: Property damage, looting.

– La Familia Skate Shop: Property damage.

– Target Uptown: Property damage, looting.

Target Uptown
Spencer Wallman

– Chicago & Lake Liquor: Property damage, looting.

– East Lake Liquor: Property damage, looting.

– Ingebretsens on Lake: Property damage, windows smashed.

– Freewheel Bike: Property damage, windows smashed.

– Hamdi Restaurant, Midtown: Property damage, graffiti.

– Hudson's Hardware, East 42nd Street: Property damage and looting.

– Birchwood Cafe, East 25th Street: Property damage.


– CVS Uptown: Property damage, looting.

– Timberland Uptown: Property damage, looting.

– Sunnys Wigs 29th and Lyndale: Property damage.

– Thurston Jewelers West Lake Street: Property damage.


– Banadir Pharmacy West Lake Street: Property damage and looting

– Sephora Uptown: Property damage.

– Gamestop Uptown: Property damage, looting.

– Indulge and Bloom, Uptown: Property damage.

– H&M Uptown: Windows smashed.

– Apple Store Uptown: Windows smashed., looting.

– Urban Outfitters Uptown: Door window smashed.

– Smokeless Northeast: Vandalized, closed till further notice.

– AutoZone at 501 West Broadway, North Minneapolis: Unconfirmed report of looting, property damage.

– Buzzmart, downtown Minneapolis: Property damage.

– Town Talk Diner, Lake Street: Extensive property damage.


Miguel Otαrola
@motarola123
Charles Stotts took me inside Town Talk Diner, which he has owned on Lake Street for four years. It's destroyed. #GeorgeFloyd

Embedded video
235
9:04 AM - May 28, 2020
Twitter Ads info and privacy
195 people are talking about this
In St. Paul
– Turf Club: Property damage.

– Gordon Parks High School: Property damage.

– Trader Joe's St. Paul: Property damage, looting.

– A1 Lock Service on Snelling: Property damage

– Holiday Station at Wabasha and Plato: Property damage and looting.

– Gold'n Treasures on Grand Ave: Property damage and looting.

– Speedway at Grand and Cleveland: Extensive fire damage.

– T-Mobile at Excelsior and Grand: Property damage, looting.

– 1st Grand Avenue Liquors on Grand and Milton: Property damage, looting.

– Foot Locker Midway: Extensive fire damage.

– GameStop Midway: Extensive fire damage, looting.

– To New York Midway: Property damage.

– Peking Garden Midway: Property damage.

– Lloyd's Pharmacy Snelling and Minnehaha: Destroyed by fire.

– Target Midway: Property damage, looting.

– CVS University Avenue: Property damage, looting.

– Max It Pawn Shop University Avenue: Property damage, looting.

– Verizon Store Hamline Avenue: Property damage.

– Noodles & Co Hamline Avenue: Property damage.

– Vitamine Shoppe Hamline Avenue: Property damage.

– Big Top Liquors Midway: Property damage.

– TJ Maxx Midway: Property damage, small fire.

– Sprint store Midway: Property damage, looting.

– Midway Tobacco Outlet Plus: Property damage

– NAPA Auto Parts University Avenue: Property damage, fire.

– T-Mobile on Arcade and York: Property damage, looting.

– LeeAnn Chinn Midway: Property damage, graffiti.


– America's Best Contacts & Eyeglasses Midway: Property damage, graffiti.

– Furniture Barn Midway: Property damage, graffiti, fire.

– BP on University Avenue: Property damage.

– Walgreens on Randolph and Snelling: Property damage, looting.

– Discount Tire Co. Midway: Property damage.

– O'Reilly Auto Parts Lexington: Property damage, fire.

– TCF Bank Lexington and University: Property damage.

– Lululemon Grand Avenue: Property damage, looting.

– Speedway University Ave: Property damage, fire.

– Ananya Dance Theater University Ave: Property damage.

– Springboard for the Arts University Ave: Property damage, fire.

– 7-Mile Sportwear University Ave: Property damage, looting.

– Fire n Ice Chicken: Property damage.

– Liquor Barrel on West 7th: Property damage, looting.

– Moellers Jewelry, Highland: Property damage.

– The Fixery, Highland: Property damage.

– Bole Ethiopian Restaurant: Fire.

– Enterprise University Avenue: Fire.

Twin Cities suburbs
– The Jewelers Saint Anthony: Property damage.

– GameStop Brooklyn Center: Property damage, looting.

– Walmart Brooklyn Center: Property damage, looting

.– T-Mobile Store Brooklyn Center: Property damage.

– Family Dollar Brooklyn Center: Property damage.

– Walgreens 63rd and Brooklyn Blvd., Brooklyn Center: Property damage.

– Western Service Center, Apple Valley: Propert, fire, and water damage.

TAGSAUTOZONEMINNEAPOLIS RIOTSST. PAULMINNESOTALOOTINGGEORGE FLOYDTARGET
BY ADAM UREN damaged


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: An Buachaill Caol Dubh
Date: 27 May 20 - 09:00 PM

A long time ago, a country doctor was consulted by a woman who thought she might be pregnant, but, taking account of her age, this doctor also diagnosed trapped wind. She went on her way and the doctor didn't see her for something over a year; she was wheeling a pram, and it contained a baby (being designed for the purpose).
"Oh... I see you were pregnant after all," he said, in some surprise.
"Not at all," she responded, "thon's jist a fart wi' a hat on it."

Based on a True Story.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 27 May 20 - 06:36 AM

A doctor arrived at his surgery one morning to find a large bag on the doorstep. He looked inside and found a new born baby with a note saying "Please look after my child". As a medical professional, he knew that it was a responsibility he could not shirk but there would be so many forms to fill in and he had patients waiting. He took it inside and examined it. As the baby seemed in good health, he decided to deal with his morning patients before handing it over for further care.

The first patient was the local vicar, a hypochondriac whom the doctor knew well. He had suffered every disease known to man and, this morning, was complaining of acute stomach pains. The doctor suspected trapped wind but thought that if, this time, he could convince him that it really was something serious, it might shock him out of his hypochondria. The situation gave him the opportunity to kill two birds with one stone.

He told the vicar to drop his trousers, lie on the examination table and open his legs. The doctor then pressed on the vicar's belly, causing him to let out a long fart. The doctor picked up the baby and said "Congratulations! You have given birth to a healthy boy".
"B..b..but I can't have done" stammered the vicar, "It's not possible!"
"God moves in mysterious ways" replied the doctor.

The vicar, being a good Christian, accepted his apparent responsibilities a brought the child up as his own. When the boy reached the age of 18, the vicar thought that it was time that he knew the truth. It was a difficult conversation but it had to be done. He said "You have always been my son and always will be. You have grown up calling me Dad but, in fact, I am not ACTUALLY you father.

Looking rather shocked at the news, the young man asked "Then who is my father?"

In an anguished tone, the vicar replied "The bishop!"


DC


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: An Buachaill Caol Dubh
Date: 26 May 20 - 08:59 AM

And that craves wary washing.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 26 May 20 - 08:43 AM

Forgotten about that GS - thanks
Jim


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 26 May 20 - 08:23 AM

Jim Carroll,,,, You added    'Mathematicians favourite bathtime pastime !
To fart in the bath and count the bubbles' .... Just to let you now that they are collectively known as 'Puff adders'.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Mrrzy
Date: 25 May 20 - 10:57 PM

Hahahahahahahaha *snort* heehee!


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: An Buachaill Caol Dubh
Date: 25 May 20 - 10:46 PM

Maybe this one's a bit derivative in form:

What's red, white and blue, with a long wooden pole, and still looked up to by many people in India?
Mother Teresa with a spear through her skull.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Donuel
Date: 25 May 20 - 10:10 PM

I know bad jokes are good and good jokes aren't bad.
I even understand your dad was a great joke teller and honouring 'the joke thread' is like honouring your dad and there isn't anything bad about that. Bad jokes were never meant to harm. You should excuse the bad jokes because one mans joke is another mans shining diamond stuck in a goats ass.
Jim often polishes up the archeaic joke which is historicly interesting.
Robin Williams had more bad jokes than George Carlin but they were both funny.
If you don't like a show, change the channel. If you hate a joke, don't laugh but being the humor gestapo is imo offensive.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 25 May 20 - 04:47 PM

You appear to not understand humour. Over and out.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Donuel
Date: 25 May 20 - 04:29 PM

Steve Shaw - SS officer of jokes
I don't think there is a good tasting joke here.
Thats what makes them jokes. There are delicious jokes but they are rare. To me what is funny is an oblique take on the unspeakable truth.
Instead of clogging YOUR thread up with vindictives try a PM pal.
btw I am glad you are begining to think.

Aren't most the jokes about; farts shit piss sex death hypocrisy and ignorance
- and what tastes good about those?
The way they are told I suppose.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 25 May 20 - 08:42 AM

I'll have to wipe my grin off before I go into town Doug - might bump into the local Canon

My dad (a excommunicated Catholic) used to joke about the name of a popular tobacco, 'Three Nuns' "Nun today, nun tomorrow, nun next week'

A prank rather than a joke
Our local beauty spot by the sea used to house a very active convent and school and also a smell popular thatched hotel (now the massive modern Armada Hotel)
They were re-roofing the small hotel at one time using English workers who used to drink in our local music pub Friel's where many of the clientele ans the publican couple spoke Irish
One night they decided to teach the roofers Irish - the phrase “Pog Mo Thoin,” (pron. poge mahone meaning "kiss my arse" was the favourite) - they were persuaded it meant "good morning"
Totally unaware, the lads would shout in Irish at the passing nuns "kiss my arse" until some humanitarian explained the joke
Jim


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 25 May 20 - 07:55 AM

Two nuns had just been brought sharply to task by the Mother Superior for some minor indiscretion. As she walked away, one nun said "The Reverend Mother seems to have got out of the wrong side of the bed this morning". "That's true enough" said the other. "She's wearing Father O'Brian's boots".

DC


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 25 May 20 - 06:26 AM

Donuel, it's not funny, it's in terrible taste, it's not about me and it's squirm-making. It's a frank non-joke in a joke thread. I think that's a pity, but hey ho. And please stop personalising it when I express an opinion. I'm beginning to think that there's something seriously wrong with you.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 25 May 20 - 06:06 AM

Mathematicians favourite bathtime pastime !
To fart in the bath and count the bubbles
Jim


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Donuel
Date: 24 May 20 - 09:06 PM

Its a joke. Its nuttier than squirrel shit but its a joke.
Honest Steve its not about you. At least I hope not.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 24 May 20 - 08:51 PM

That's not a joke.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Mrrzy
Date: 24 May 20 - 06:52 PM

Hey ma? Got any pictures of me as a kid? Maybe in the tub? asked the narcissistic pedophile.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 24 May 20 - 01:34 PM

Oh (John Deer(ing) Steve

A farming couple lived and worked together for years without having, sex despite the growing desires of the lady
One day he was ploughing the top field with his two horses when a fairy godmother landed and asked him why he was looking so gloomy
“I don’t like sex anymore”, he said, “I seem to have lost interest, but my wife is desperate for it”
She says, “Tell you what I’ll do; I’ll give you the sex drive of one of these fine animals, if you pick out the one you want”
He thinks for a second then picks one
She taps the horse on the flank, the farmer on the shoulder, and flies off
He feels nothing until he returns home and sees his wife bending over the stove
He takes her around the waist, guides her into the bedroom and they make love – it lasts a couple of hours, at the end of which she gasps, “What’s come over you Tommy?”
He tell her exactly what happened, “Why, didn’t you like it?”
“That was wonderful” she gasps, “But would you mind going back to her and asking can you pick the bigger horse this time”
Jim


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 24 May 20 - 08:38 AM

I used to live in Crete. I'm ex-Cretian...

I used to like tractors, but no more. I'm an ex-tractor fan.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: An Buachaill Caol Dubh
Date: 24 May 20 - 07:44 AM

If you set out deliberately to fail, and you manage to do so, have you failed or succeeded? I'm neither a Cretan nor (American pronunciation) a cretin.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Donuel
Date: 24 May 20 - 07:39 AM

Why did the unity of purpose (UP) meeting become a chaotic riot?
They agreed to disagree.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: An Buachaill Caol Dubh
Date: 23 May 20 - 07:17 PM

You mean, it depends on the person, not his companion?

""*[//]) {> ::::


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Ernest
Date: 23 May 20 - 10:02 AM

@ An Buachail Caol Dubh:
So its just like the difference between a violin and a fiddle.... ;0)


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: An Buachaill Caol Dubh
Date: 22 May 20 - 10:50 AM

Difference between a Drunk and an Alcoholic?
A Drunk enjoys it.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Raggytash
Date: 22 May 20 - 09:20 AM

I'm not an Alcoholic, I'm a drunk.

Alcoholics go to meetings!


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 22 May 20 - 09:03 AM

Well you might as well have the whole collection............                                                                   Last year, I joined a support group for anti-social people. We haven’t met yet!

I went to my first meeting for people with low self esteem today. Sign at front of building read ‘’Low self esteem group, use the back door’’

I joined a support group for people with memory loss which was supposed to meet at 2pm on Monday. Nobody turned up!!

I went to the anger management support group today but they were shouting so much I just left!

The asthma support group I went to today was so good it really took my breath away.

I was going to the Chronic Fatigue Syndrome support group today but I couldn’t get out of bed.

I was going to the ‘Dizzyness’ support group today but I fell over on the way.

Was going to the exercise addiction support group today but ended up running past it.

Went to the Gambling Addiction support group today and it made me a little better.

Went to the Infertility support group today. Most of them were from my family.

Went to the Insomnia support group today but missed it all as I fell asleep.

Went to the Irritable bowel syndrome support group today but got fed up with all the bellyaching.

Went to the Kleptomaniacs support group today and came home with a lovely pair of silver candlesticks.

Went to the Loneliness support group today but no-one else came.

Would have gone to the Migraine sufferers support group today but came home with a headache last time, so gave it a miss.

Went to the Paranoia sufferers support group today. They all seemed to hate me so I left.

Was going to go to the Phobia support group today but was too frightened to go.

Was on my way to the Shopping addiction support group today but didn’t get there as M&S was open.

Was going to the Vegan support group today but realised it could be a missed steak.

First visit to the Unemployed support group today.. it was just the job.

The next time travellers support group meeting will be last Thursday at 2pm.

I went to the ‘Hernia sufferers group’ today but I found no support there.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 22 May 20 - 08:35 AM

Humility is my middle name, and I don't mind shouting it from the rooftops.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 22 May 20 - 07:02 AM

Modesty is one of my many qualities.

DC


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jon Freeman
Date: 22 May 20 - 06:58 AM

I used to be conceited but now I'm perfect.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 22 May 20 - 06:55 AM

I have an appointment as the memory clinic but I can't remember where or when.

DC


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Roger the Skiffler
Date: 22 May 20 - 06:04 AM

I went to my anger management group this week. They said I can't go back next week, just because I threw the facilitator out of the window.
RtS


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 21 May 20 - 09:55 AM

A woman, booked into a large hotel, called the reception to complain about a man exposing himself. When the manager arrived, she pointed out of the window to the block opposite, saying "Look! He's walking around completely naked with the curtains open."

"To be fair, Madam", said the manager, "you can only see him from his chest up".

Back came the shrill reply "Stand on the table. STAND ON THE TABLE!"

DC


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 21 May 20 - 07:57 AM

Went to the Paranoia sufferers support group today. They all seemed to hate me so I left.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 20 May 20 - 03:00 PM

Shit - sorry - - a senior moment I'm going to have
Jim


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 20 May 20 - 02:34 PM

Jim, I presume you comment was about travellers. The joke was about time-travellers, as in Dr Who.

DC


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 20 May 20 - 12:42 PM

Too true I'm afraid - they are experiencing a touch of ethnic cleansing at the moment - not funny, I know
Jim


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 19 May 20 - 03:22 PM

The next time travellers support group meeting will be held last Thursday at 2pm.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 10 May 20 - 08:49 AM

Story recorded from Caherciveen Traveller, Mikeen McCarthy in the 1970s
Jim

M Mc The traveller that’s how they got their living like d’y know supposed to be terrible liers, but their was never a traveller told the truth. That’s in dealing like in horses an all that which it was different if you got down to conversation they wouldn’t tell you no lies them. To avoid the guards and the police and everything like that, they’d tell you a world of lies.

But there was an old guard anyway an he came on with a bicycle. An there was a man by the name of Tom Brien and there was two horses wandering up the road, and on came the guard, Tom he said is it you own the horses up the road. Oh no ses Tom not me at all he said they belong to a farmer up the road or something. So the old guard goes on with his bicycle an here he’s trying this farm and that farm, he couldn’t find no one up for the horses. So he came back down, an when he came back down Tom had the two horses tied up with a rope up the village, that’s they call the head stand. Now when he had the horses tied up like the guard couldn’t summons him. He came the way, Tom he said you’re an awful bloody lier he said. How’s that said Tom? You told me a while ago you didn’t own them horses. Well he said during the time you were gone, he said, and the time you came back tis then I found out I owned em he said. Jeekers Tom he said you’re an awful lier, he said, tell me Tom he said, did a tinker ever go to heaven? Oh they did ses he, one went he said, and when he went in he left down his budget, that’s was his bud for bringing the tin and the tools and all that. And he started making tin wear in the side of the streets in heaven, he said, and the first money he got, he said, he went into the first pub, he said and he got drunk, and he started fighting with all the angels above in heaven he said. And would you believe me they search all heaven for a guard to put him out and they couldn’t find one.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 10 May 20 - 08:06 AM

An Inuit hunter is sitting by an ice hole, fishing, but is starting to get cold. Not wanting to go to the bother of building an igloo, he decides to make a fire with washed-up drift wood and some seal blubber. The trouble is, every time the fire gets going, it melts the ice and puts the flames out. Being a resourceful chap, he constructs a platform in the cockpit of his canoe and builds his fire on that. His plan is all too successful and the heat burns a hole in the bottom of the boat which promptly sinks. Which just goes to show:- you can’t have your kayak and heat it.

DC


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 10 May 20 - 06:24 AM

Just remembered this - was told it by a Jewish friend in Manchester a lifetime ago

A Japanese man applies to become a Rabbi - after much debate he was given a chance - He passed the exams with flying colours and was given a congregation to minister to
After a time he received a summons from the head Rabbi - he attended and was told:
"Look- we're all very impressed that someone from your background should take up our faith and do so well, with one exception - your circumcisions - this "Ah so" (with chopping gesture) simply isn't going down well with the parents"
Jim


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 09 May 20 - 06:11 AM

"or I would have smashed it."
And you have noticed the pain of falling off your bike

Just told this on the 'fell off my bike" thread a story told of my home town of Kirkby - a rough estate near Liverpool
A young couple were cycling along a Kirkby street on a tandem when dog ran out and threw a bucket of water over them

Another similar
A man was driving through Kirkby when his car brole down - he got out and lifted the bonnet to see if he could find what was wrong
A minute later two men ran out of a nearby block of flats carrying a jack, and began to jack up the car
"What are you doing" shouted th driver
"Feck off", came the reply, "If you're having the engine we'll have the wheels"

Precious memories
Jim


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 09 May 20 - 05:45 AM

I went to a shop yesterday, on my bicycle, to buy some whisky. Having bought it I was just about to get on the bike to go home when I thought 'What if I fall off'?? Of course the bottle would likely smash..... so I drank the whisky before riding home to be safe. Sure enough.... I fell off my bike 7 times on the way home.... So glad I drank that whisky when I did or I would have smashed it.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 07 May 20 - 03:01 PM

"Rape “not quite PC”."
I was aware os that - apologies
My bad upbringing creeping to the fore again, I'm afraid
Jim


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Bainbo
Date: 07 May 20 - 02:36 PM

Rape “not quite PC”.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 07 May 20 - 01:02 PM

Just when you thought it was safe to fo in the water - not quite PC
A man walking through the forest sees a little man standing with his arms around a tree - inrrigued, he asks him wjat he is doing
He is told, "I'm a tree-measurer for the Forestry Commission - it's my job to measue and record the girth of all these trees
The man asks, "Can I have a go ?"
"You can, of course"; he stands aside and lets the stranger take fis place; when he wrapps his arms around the tree, the little man whips outt a pair of handcuffs, slaps tem around his wrists, drops he trousers and gives him a good seeing to - then walks off
The amn is left distraught, with his trosers around his ankles for a couple of hours, when another stranger comes along - he explains his predicament
The man unbuttons his flies and says, "Aren't you a little old to believe such nonsense from strange men ?"
Jim


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 04 May 20 - 06:17 AM

The man who invented speedboats died on Monday. His funeral, tomorrow, is followed by a ‘wake’.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 01 May 20 - 12:16 PM

A German officer strode into a Paris brothel during the occupation, grabbed the first girl that took his fancy, dragged her roughly to a side room, threw her on the bed and roughly ravished her
When he'd finished, he stood up, buttoned his flies, smoothed himself down and said, "In a few month's time fraulein your belly will begin to swell and after nine months you will give birth to a beautiful blond boy - you may call him Adolph - Heir Hitler"
She replied, "In a few days time your prick will begin to itch, then it will become red and painful and begin to swell and soon it will break out is red sores - you may call it a rash - Viva la France"
Jim


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate
Next Page

 


You must be a member to post in non-music threads. Join here.


You must be a member to post in non-music threads. Join here.



Mudcat time: 3 June 11:02 PM EDT

[ Home ]

All original material is copyright © 1998 by the Mudcat Cafι Music Foundation, Inc. All photos, music, images, etc. are copyright © by their rightful owners. Every effort is taken to attribute appropriate copyright to images, content, music, etc. We are not a copyright resource.