mudcat.org: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
Lyrics & Knowledge Personal Pages Record Shop Auction Links Radio & Media Kids Membership Help
The Mudcat Cafeawe

Post to this Thread - Printer Friendly - Home
Page: [1] [2] [3] [4] [5] [6] [7]


BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020

Doug Chadwick 31 Mar 20 - 07:29 PM
Steve Shaw 31 Mar 20 - 06:25 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 31 Mar 20 - 11:23 AM
Jim Carroll 31 Mar 20 - 03:31 AM
Jim Carroll 30 Mar 20 - 08:14 PM
Jim Carroll 30 Mar 20 - 07:25 PM
Senoufou 30 Mar 20 - 06:58 PM
Steve Shaw 30 Mar 20 - 04:49 PM
Steve Shaw 30 Mar 20 - 04:46 PM
Senoufou 30 Mar 20 - 09:26 AM
MudGuard 29 Mar 20 - 05:13 PM
Bill D 29 Mar 20 - 01:19 PM
An Buachaill Caol Dubh 29 Mar 20 - 11:10 AM
Jim Carroll 29 Mar 20 - 04:31 AM
Jim Carroll 28 Mar 20 - 07:29 PM
Raggytash 28 Mar 20 - 06:26 PM
Mrrzy 28 Mar 20 - 05:39 PM
An Buachaill Caol Dubh 28 Mar 20 - 05:19 PM
Jim Carroll 28 Mar 20 - 03:55 PM
An Buachaill Caol Dubh 28 Mar 20 - 02:54 PM
Jim Carroll 28 Mar 20 - 01:59 PM
An Buachaill Caol Dubh 28 Mar 20 - 12:14 PM
Jim Carroll 28 Mar 20 - 11:00 AM
An Buachaill Caol Dubh 28 Mar 20 - 10:21 AM
Jim Carroll 28 Mar 20 - 05:10 AM
An Buachaill Caol Dubh 27 Mar 20 - 06:32 PM
Jim Carroll 27 Mar 20 - 03:41 PM
An Buachaill Caol Dubh 27 Mar 20 - 02:35 PM
An Buachaill Caol Dubh 27 Mar 20 - 02:25 PM
An Buachaill Caol Dubh 27 Mar 20 - 01:54 PM
Jim Carroll 27 Mar 20 - 01:26 PM
Mrrzy 27 Mar 20 - 12:56 PM
Jim Carroll 27 Mar 20 - 12:41 PM
Mr Red 27 Mar 20 - 11:28 AM
Jim Carroll 27 Mar 20 - 04:09 AM
Bee-dubya-ell 26 Mar 20 - 11:04 PM
An Buachaill Caol Dubh 26 Mar 20 - 04:55 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 26 Mar 20 - 04:40 PM
Jim Carroll 26 Mar 20 - 04:17 PM
Mr Red 25 Mar 20 - 02:20 PM
Jim Carroll 25 Mar 20 - 09:14 AM
Jim Carroll 25 Mar 20 - 04:34 AM
Senoufou 25 Mar 20 - 04:13 AM
Jim Carroll 25 Mar 20 - 03:54 AM
Jim Carroll 24 Mar 20 - 11:52 AM
Jim Carroll 24 Mar 20 - 10:32 AM
gillymor 24 Mar 20 - 08:58 AM
Mrrzy 24 Mar 20 - 08:54 AM
Donuel 24 Mar 20 - 08:21 AM
Donuel 24 Mar 20 - 08:01 AM
Lyrics & Knowledge Search [Advanced]
DT  Forum
Sort (Forum) by:relevance date
DT Lyrics:






Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 31 Mar 20 - 07:29 PM

An RE teacher was listing the descendants of Adam during a lesson:-

"And Enoch begat Methuselah:
And Methuselah begat Lamech.
And Lamech begat a son: And he called his name Noah ..."

She then instructed the pupils to take out their exercise books and write a sentence using the word 'begat'. One little lad thought for a while and then wrote:-

"If you can't fight, wear a big 'at"

DC


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 31 Mar 20 - 06:25 PM

The junior school teacher wrote the word "contagious" on the blackboard, explained to the class what it meant, then said to her class, "Right, now I want you to write a sentence using the word 'contagious'!"

After a while she called up little Julie to the front and said to her, "Right, Julie, would you like to read your sentence to the class?"

"Yes, miss," said Julie, "My dad saw the man next door painting his house with a two-inch brush, and he said that it would take the contagious."


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 31 Mar 20 - 11:23 AM

It is exactly as hard to intentionally lose a game of Rock-Paper-Scissors as it is to win it.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 31 Mar 20 - 03:31 AM

A zebra was sent on an exchange visit to an English farm - he was warmly welcomed and introduced to all the stock one by one
It first met the chickens - "You're strange looking birds' what do you do?"
"We're chickens - we lay eggs for the farm and eventually, our meat is sold to feed the people and our feathers used to stuff pillows"
"Very good" he moved on
Next he met the pigs - "We're pigs, the farmer tends and feeds us and in return, when we die, our meat is sold off and our skin is used for various things"
"Very commendable" - on to the sheep, a similar story
Then on to the cows
"We're cows - we give milk for the farmer which brings him a good living, we produce babies regularly which increase his prosperity, and at the end of our practical usefulness, we are sold at the local mart, our meat goes to feed the nation and our hides are used for the manufacture of clothes"
"you really are valuable creatures, aren't you ?"

Tiring a little and hungry, he wanders off to the outskirts of the farm to find somewhere to graze - in the far distance he spots an enormous, well endowed magnificent bull tethered in a field
Intrigued, he trots over - "I suppose your another cow ?"
"**** off - I'm a bull"
"What do you do ?"
"Get those ****** pyjamas off and I'll show you"
Jim


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 30 Mar 20 - 08:14 PM

This is true and I have to confess I didn't find it funny in at the time - takes a bit of time to tell - sorry
I used to be petrified of going to the dentist and as a result, had a lot of teeth problems when I was younger
On my first job on London I started having really bad pain - when I told my boss, he recommended me to "a very attractive young South African woman Dentist" nearby - "you'll enjoy a visit to her" he said "she's very well-built and has a habit of leaning very close over you when she examines you"
To my shame, this did much to overcome my fears, so I contacted her and made an appointment - when I explained my nervousness, she was very understanding and assured me she would render me unconscious before she did her work, if it was necessary - she told me to arrange for someone to get me home
   
At the time I was paired with an electrician who happened to be known as a practical joker, on the day I had arranged with him that I would not be in work on the day because of having to be knocked out for dental work
Earlier that week we had been working at a local farm where he had been given a frozen chicken and asked me did I want one if he could get another - a said I did

On the day, Pat agreed to pick me up from the Dentist, which she did - I was in a stupor, so when she took me home she had to lead me up the three fights of steep, winding stairs to our self-contained top floor flat - she left me slumped in a chair and returned to work
Shortly afterwards the front door ball reng and I made my way carefully down stairs and opened the front door to find there was nobody there but there was a cardboard box on the doorstep
I brought it inside, closed the front door and opened the box
A live chicken flew out   
I chased that poor bird up and down the stairs for an hour before I finally got it back into the box - when Pat got home she found chicken-shit covering the stairs from top to bottom
Jim


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 30 Mar 20 - 07:25 PM

A visitor was being shown around a farm and they came to a sty with a pig inside with a wooden leg
The visitor bagan to laugh and the farmer protested saying, "Don't you dare laugh; that's a very brave animal - it saved my life three times"
"How do you mean ?"
"Well", he was told", last month a rabid dog came into the yard and attacked me - it cornered me against the sty there - That pig leapt over the fence and fought the dog off until help came"
"Amazing" said the man"
That's not all; shortly afterwards I was coming home drunk from the pub and I staggered and fell into the pond; I was too drunk to swim and the pig came to my rescue, grabbed my by the collar and hauled me out"
"That's unbelievable"
"That's nothing - I was working on that slope with the tractor; it overturned and the pig ran up, scraped me out with it's trotters then ran off to find help"
"That really is a magnificent beast" said the man, but why has it got a wooden leg ?"
"You don't eat an animal like that at one meal" he was told
Jim


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Senoufou
Date: 30 Mar 20 - 06:58 PM

A young woman took the Pill washed down with pond water. It's just been confirmed she's three months' stagnant.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 30 Mar 20 - 04:49 PM

I've just got back from a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what: never again...


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 30 Mar 20 - 04:46 PM

My wife said to me, "Cor, these new slippers of mine are really uncomfortable!"

I looked at her and said, "But you've got them on the wrong feet!"

She said, "But these are the only feet I've got..."


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Senoufou
Date: 30 Mar 20 - 09:26 AM

What type of dog is best at magic tricks?
A labracadabrador.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: MudGuard
Date: 29 Mar 20 - 05:13 PM

Three men are sentenced to death by the firing squad.

The first one is tied to the pole, the firing squad marches into position.
At the moment they take aim, the sentenced man calls out "Earthquake!", and the firing squad flees in panic.
The man is released, as no one ever before had the idea of using that idea.

The second one is tied to the pole, the firing squad marches into position.
At the moment they take aim, the sentenced man calls out "volcano outbreak!", again the firing squad flees in panic.
The second man is released as well, same reason - no one before had the volcano idea.

So the third one gets tied to the pole, again the firing squad marches into position.
The third man thinks hard what catastrophy he could use to get free as well, but can't think of anything.
So the firing squad takes aim, and in that moment, the third man at last has an idea, and he calls ...

"Fire!"


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Bill D
Date: 29 Mar 20 - 01:19 PM

...so, there was this well to do old farmer who managed to snare himself a pretty young wife. He was a likeable sort, and folks just shrugged. They knew she sort of expected to inherit a nice farm in a few years, but he knew what he wanted.

So, one day he was in town for his annual checkup, and told the doc he had a serious question.

"Doc, you know I ain't as young as I usta be, and them romantic feelings..*wink, wink* are a bit scarcer than they were 30 years ago...Now, when I'm plowing down in the south 40, sometimes I get the urge...but by the time I get back up to the house,I'm so tired it's gone again. You got any ideas?"

"Hmmmm, John", says the doc, "you know, your place is pretty isolated. Why don't you just take a blanket and your shotgun with you on the tractor, then when you feel in the mood, you can fire off the gun as a signal to Sally to come down to YOU!...She's a bit younger"

"Well, durn Doc, that's a fine idea! I'll try it!"

So....several months later, the doctor meets old John on the street, and can't resist asking..."Hey, John, how did that idea work out...about taking the blanket and shotgun down with you during plowing?"

"Waaal, you know, Doc....that worked pretty damn good...for about 2-3 weeks....then huntin' season started, and I ain't seen her since!"


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: An Buachaill Caol Dubh
Date: 29 Mar 20 - 11:10 AM

It will come as no surprise at all to learn first that I heard a version of that as a child (!), and secondly, that it was in the form of a "Scotsman, Englishman and Irishman" joke. Guess who had the line attributed above to the lad from Kerry? An alternative way, avoiding the slight awkwardness of having that necessary choice, involves the Third Stooge, as it were, saying, "I'm not having anything to do wi' thon yoke, it's not working...".

Not really a joke, but connected with failures in the supposedly foolproof Guillotine, is Lord Byron's account of a multiple execution in France, obviously c. 1802 or after 1815. There must have been some irregularity in the mechanism, or the first prisoner struggled, but whatever the cause the blade did not cut through the neck, but right into the skull, obviously sticking half-way through. This produced quite an effect on the crowd and on the other prisoners, not to mention the skull. Byron wrote that he could barely bring himself to watch proceedings any further; "I do confess that the Opera Glasses fairly quivered in my hand".


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 29 Mar 20 - 04:31 AM

Heard in my local just before they all closed
Three Irishmen, a Cork man, a limerick man and a Kerry man were caught taking part in a bank raid in Paris where someone was shot
They were found guilt and sentenced to be guillotined
They were given the choice whether to lie face down or face up on the fatal day
The Cork man opted to lie face down, he did so and listened to the blade slide down towards his beck - suddenly it jammed an inch before it hit the fatal spot
He was taken down and reprieved by French law
The limeric man made the same choice and opted for face down - the same thing happened, the blade jammed and he was reprieved
When it was his turn, the Kerryman chose to face his fate bravely and was placed ready
As he waited, he stared up at the blade and said, "Hang on a minute, I think I can see what's wrong with this yoke"
Jim


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 28 Mar 20 - 07:29 PM

"Born in Glasgow but was 'Liverpool Irish' how on earth does that work?"
Both of my parent's families were born in Ireland - they moved to Liverpool -and were 'Liverpool Irish'
My father was born in Glasgow because his parents were market traders who travelled the country selling their wares (selff manufactured glue) and that's where they happened to be when my dad was born
They moved back to Liverpool where my dad was brought up
Wasn't it the Duke of Wellington who said "Because you were born in a stable that doesn't make you a horse"
I don't consider myself Irish or Anglo Irish, but now I live here I feel a greater affinity to it than I do England
'What's born in the blood..." as they say
I've got a tee-shirt saying "I'm a blow-in somewhere"

Your story's reminiscent of my mother-in-law's Jewish employer's experienced in Norther Ireland during the troubles
He was stopped at an unofficial checkpoint by armed, hooded men and asked
"Are you a Catholic or a Protestant?"   
"I'm a Jew", he replied
Afret a slightly bemused pause and a whispered conversation between the men, he was asked, "Are you a Protestant Jew or a Catholic Jew ?"
Jim


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Raggytash
Date: 28 Mar 20 - 06:26 PM

Born in Glasgow but was 'Liverpool Irish' how on earth does that work?

No more Irish than I am and I've no Irish in me at all that I can find.

Love the country, love the people. I even live in the country but would never even try and claim to be Anglo-Irish.

I'm a blow-in and always will be.

Anyhow ………… back in the 70's a young lad from Clifden out on the Connemara was on his way North to visit some friends. He got stopped by squaddies at the border "Whats you name" …… Patsy O'Donaghue was the answer. "Where're you from" ……… Clifden "where's that" ……… the Connemara "where's that" ……….. County Galway "Why didn't you tell us that" .. I just did "where are you going" ….. Derry " you mean London derry" ……..... No I mean Derry.

Pull into that layby and turn your engine off. So he pulls into the layby and 20 minutes later the squaddies return. "whats you name" .. Patsy O'Donaghue" "where're you from" ………. Clifden ………… it goes on as before ……….. "where are you going" ……… Derry "you mean Londonderry" .. No I mean Derry.

"wait here, take your keys out of the ignition.

Another 20 minutes pass and the squaddies return .

"what's your name" …………… ah fuck it thinks the lad "I'm Patsy O'Donaghue and I'm going to Belfast!!"


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Mrrzy
Date: 28 Mar 20 - 05:39 PM

So the two found a deep-looking hole. One tosses a pebble in, but they never hear it hit bottom. So they llok around and find a big rock and toss that in- no sound. So the hunt more and find a railroad tie and chuck that in- nothing. So they scout around to find a boulder, when along comes a goat, runs full-tilt into the hole... Still no sound of anything hitting bottom. They are trying to wrestle a boulder over when a farmer comes up and asks, seen a goat anywhere? Well, the two say embarrassedly, I think your goat just jumped into that there hole. Oh, no, says the farmer, that wasn't *my* goat.

*My* goat was tied to a railroad tie.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: An Buachaill Caol Dubh
Date: 28 Mar 20 - 05:19 PM

An open razor is also good for sharpening pencils, though.

One time, on a crowded train in Glasgow, I and others listened with interest to a wee jakie singing, loudly and not entirely tunelessly, a couple of songs associated with one local football team. Otherwise, he was chiefly remarkable for a network of healed slashes across cheeks and jawline. He didn't have much interest in fashionable, or even clean clothes either. The drink had encouraged his compulsion to perform, and evidently diminished his instinct for survival, since it was the weekend and, at the time, the compartment was crowded mainly with supporters of the other major local team. The wee Glesga Kamikaze sung on regardless. At an opportune pause for breath, someone asked loudly, "hi, pal? 'sat how ye goat yir face like that?"
Rerr chanter, but.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 28 Mar 20 - 03:55 PM

I remember the book - I read it in my youth (mis-spent youth)
Maybe that's where my dad got it - he was Liverpool Irish but was born in Glasgow - I'm pretty sure he only used razors for shaving though !!
Jim


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: An Buachaill Caol Dubh
Date: 28 Mar 20 - 02:54 PM

Jim, since I know from other threads you like tracing things back to "original versions" (hah!), it may be of interest to know that a variant of that situation occurs at the beginning of the famous Glasgow book, "No Mean City". It's not a joke, either (not many laughs in the Gorbals). A third variant was the way I heard it, a man complaining that his wife was lazy &c.; "and there's always dishes in the sink when I go furra p-sh".

The way that jokes &c. re-appear, often with slight changes, would be an interesting "minor key" accompaniment to discussions about what I've heard called "parallel versions" of songs (whether or no they were noted down by Child or anyone).Good Luck.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 28 Mar 20 - 01:59 PM

"Read that one, almost word for word really, in a Student Magazine from about 1980! "
Really ? - my dad told me that when I was at school (he died in 1965)
Funny how they get around !!

Another from him
Two navvies in a pub - one asked the other "How's your digs (accommodation)?"
"Terrible", came the reply, "You can't get a piss in the sink for dirty dishes"


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: An Buachaill Caol Dubh
Date: 28 Mar 20 - 12:14 PM

Read that one, almost word for word really, in a Student Magazine from about 1980! Another in the same publication involved neighbours, one young man and a similarly single young woman, in the days when houses were small and simply furnished, and while they may have had inside plumbing with a sink and tap there was nothing like washing-machines, far less dishwashers. There were not any inside toilets either, but each of these neighbours had a little outhouse at the end of the yard.
    The young man wished often to speak with the young lady, but seldom had the opportunity and in any case became awkward and tongue-tied in her presence. Anyway, as far as I recall, he decided "Dutch courage" was called for, and fortified himself with a shot or two of [insert proprietary brand] whiskey. Maybe he overdid it, because when he looked from his window and saw the young lady making her way elegantly across her yard, he stumbled slightly as he hastened to speak to her over the wall, but recovered himself sufficiently to say hello and try to pass the time of day. She was pleasant enough, which must have caused his shyness to resurface. He couldn't think what to say to continue the conversation. He glanced round desperately for ideas. He scanned the house, the yard, the gate, the outhouse, the little patch of worn grass..
      It was but a moment till inspiration struck. Pleasantly, politely, he enquires, "So, ye gaun' furra sh-te, then?"


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 28 Mar 20 - 11:00 AM

A young 'nipper' (tea lad) working on the road outside Doncaster went into town to a dance one Saturday night and became very friendly with a local girl
He walked her home and she asked him would he like to come in for a while
"You'll have to be very quiet and not wake up my parents" she told him
They both quietly slipped in, got comfortable on the sofa and started to.... what young people do
After a half hour he whispered, "Can I use your toilet ?"
"Would the kitchen sink do ?" she asked, "I daren't let you go upstairs"
"That'll do fine", he said
He disappeared into the kitchen and, after a while he popped his head around the kitchen door and whispered, "Have you got any paper ?"
Jim


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: An Buachaill Caol Dubh
Date: 28 Mar 20 - 10:21 AM

Some months later, I understand the same gentleman lost an ear in an accident involving a blade on the end of a plumb-line. A quick search found a bleeding ear, but the injured and bleeding workie said it couldn't be his. He always had a pencil tucked behind his.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 28 Mar 20 - 05:10 AM

Another of my dad's stories
The sanitary conditions (when there were any) on the sites he worked on consisted of digging a large hole, placing a plank balanced on two oil drums across it and then dropping a shed over it
When the hole was full it was moved elsewhere and the old one filled in
My dad went in to one of these sheds at one time and found a workmate up his knees in the mess, fishing around with his arm
"What are you doing down there Tommy ?" he asked
"Well Jimmy; I came in to make myself comfortable, took my jacket off and hung it over the plank and it fell in - I'm trying to find it"
"You couldn't possibly wear it after it's been in there" said my dad
"I know that, but my sandwiches are in the pocket"
Jim


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: An Buachaill Caol Dubh
Date: 27 Mar 20 - 06:32 PM

I haven't heard the song re. "Oul' de Valera" and the (uncharacteristically generous) bounty per child, though I've heard others in a similar vein delivered by those who can do them justice. Many of the jokes I heard of the kind instanced above are really the records, probably improved in the telling, of witty ripostes made ex tempore by various local characters ("Worthies" as they would once have been called in Scotland).

One such was "Tramp McG-----", born in the year of 1848 and living till he was "well over the hundred"; he said he was starting the second century a hell of a lot healthier than he started the first. Anyway, he is said to have asked a Nun about the ring on her finger, and got the conventional reply about being married to Christ. "The dear-me-save-us!" said he, as he always does in these short tales, "but ye aimed high for a husband."

Good Luck,
ABCD.

* It's often said that there's not a road in Ireland named after "The Chief" because none could be found that is long enough and crooked enough. Actually there's a Bothar de Valera in Letterkenny. Donegal is different.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 27 Mar 20 - 03:41 PM

Thanks for that B - and the story
I suppose you know about Government 'Half Crown' award to all families who produced children which gave a new significance to "making a half Crown"
HERE
More tomorrow - only just got started
Jim


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: An Buachaill Caol Dubh
Date: 27 Mar 20 - 02:35 PM

The story about the recently arrived immigrant reminds me of other such tales originating in this shared experience. One involved the Irishman who lost his footing on the wet cobbles of the street in Liverpool, slipped, and sat down heavily and no doubt painfully, but amusingly to two local Polis. The Sergeant said, "ah, Paddy, you'll find the streets of Britain are tricky of themselves", to which our hero responded, "Tricky and all as they are, I made them kiss my arce".
That's not a "typo", but an authentic spelling from a local (an aunt spelled it thus in a letter. To my mother).


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: An Buachaill Caol Dubh
Date: 27 Mar 20 - 02:25 PM

Don't know what happened there! Anyway, re. the "good bottom" to the river, the source for that is Donegal (told to me in late 1970s, maybe early 1980s, but going back to the Thirties). Same source, more or less the same time:

At a time, there was this scheme to charge a licence fee for dogs. I see it's come back again, since the Irish Government is among the finest examples of the dictum that the one thing every government learns from its predecessor is the art of extracting money from the population. But, to our tale. Some kind of an official, a warden or inspector or member of the Council was, in pursuit of dogs, a man goin' round takin' names. Farmers were, as usual, particularly targeted. The Dog-Man came to the same JD, and, on asking him did he know of any dogs in the area, was immediately informed that he knew of at least half-a-dozen. Eagerly, the official asked, officially, where these doggies were.
JD didn't even need to speak, just indicated the river....


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: An Buachaill Caol Dubh
Date: 27 Mar 20 - 01:54 PM


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 27 Mar 20 - 01:26 PM

An Italian millionaire had a mansion built in Millionaire's Row in London
When it was finished he was highly pleased with everything but he demanded of the site manager "Where's the Halo Statue"
Puzzled, the man went out and purchased a large stature of The Virgin Mary
"No, no, no!!" screamed the man, holding his hand to his ear "Halo 's t'at you"
Jim


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Mrrzy
Date: 27 Mar 20 - 12:56 PM

I am reminded of my mom, whose Hungarian accent lightly overlaid with German, Serbian and French, made her English, shall we say, interesting. An interested cabbie once asked her where her accent was from, and she said, Eet comes frrom trrrying to speak Eenglish!


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 27 Mar 20 - 12:41 PM

" "there is a good bottom to it, ye're just not at it yet". (c. 1930)"
Bee interested to know where that came from

My family were among those who fled the Famine and they still told (surprisingly humourous stories of those times
A Connemara man, naving been told that the streets of England were lined with gold, set out on the great journey
Landing in Liverpool, he was walking up the Floating Roadway when he say a half crown gleaming on the floor
He bent to pick it up, paused, straightened and kicked it in The Mersey saying "Feck it - I'll start in the morning"

My dad wa a reluctant navvy and he spent a great deal of time helping organise the men for winning better conditions on the sites
When he left, after my twin sisters were born, he kept in touch with his former mates who were constantly asking his advice
We were living in Kirkby, not far from The East Lancashire Road so one day two of them working there knocked on the door asking him could he help organise a meeting
He went to the local Priest who was sympathetic and got permission to use the local Church Hall - on the night of the meeting, he went with his mates - this was around the time that the church were using Bingo sessions to raise money
My day came home from the meeting and told the family, "They've got a new game over there - the proest hands outt cards with numbers on them and then calls out a series of number - if you get the right ones, you win a prize,
He's calling the numbers out in Irish so the Protestants can#'t win
Jim


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Mr Red
Date: 27 Mar 20 - 11:28 AM

quote of Fakebook - ironical - waht?

We didn't have a fake News until we had a Fake President...


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 27 Mar 20 - 04:09 AM

A woman getting on in years was delivered of her tenth child
The doctor took her aside and told her that, at her age, maybe it was time she stopped having children
"I kniow doctor" she said, "it's all because of my being hard of hearing"
"How do you mean" asks the doctor ?
"Well", she says, "Each night we go to be bed he asks, ""Shall we go to sleep or what ?"" - I always say ""What?""
Jim Caarroll


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 26 Mar 20 - 11:04 PM

A Russian woman married a Canadian gentleman and they lived happily ever after in Toronto. The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.

One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, so, in desperation, she clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message and gave her the chicken legs.

Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it, so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again and gave her some chicken breasts.

On the third day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store, where he...






...ordered a dozen sausages in perfectly intelligible English.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: An Buachaill Caol Dubh
Date: 26 Mar 20 - 04:55 PM

It seems that tourists are particularly liable to ask the wrong question of the wrong peasants. Coming to a ford similar to that mentioned above, one visitor to the area asked a nearby local, one J---- D----, whether there were "a good bottom to it" (and therefore safe to cross). He was assured that there was indeed a good bottom.

Emerging, predictably and spluttering from the water, which was much deeper than expected, he roared at the local, "you said it had a good bottom to it!" In response, he was calmly told, "there is a good bottom to it, ye're just not at it yet". (c. 1930)


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 26 Mar 20 - 04:40 PM

Boy in Catholic confessional: "Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"

"Yes, Father, it is."

"And who was the girl you were with?"

"I can't tell you Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"

"I'll never tell."

"Was it Nina Capelli?"

"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."

"Was it Cathy Piriano?"

"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"

"Please, Father! I cannot tell you!”

The priest sighs in frustration. “You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for four months. Now you go and behave yourself."

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"

"Four months vacation and five good leads ..."


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 26 Mar 20 - 04:17 PM

An Amrican tourist drving a big car touring Devon, turned off the main roads and becan to explore the rural back lanes
Not noticing how narrow they were getting, he eventually found himself inable to go back and had to proceed forwward untileventually he reached a stream which crossed the road as a ford
Worried at the possible depth, he degts out of the acr and spaeks to an elderly farmer leaning on his gate
On asking him how deep it was he was told, somewhat laconically, "You'll be all right sir"
He climbs back in and proceeds - the river rises over the tyre level and eventually begins to flood into the car
Furious, he gets out, wades ashore, and storms back to the farmer
"I thought you said I'd be all right" he shouted
"Well sir, it only comes half-way up my ducks", came the reply
Jim


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Mr Red
Date: 25 Mar 20 - 02:20 PM

Richard Feynman talk, "Los Alamos From Below"

1.3 hours, 10 laughs a minute. Yet very inspiring, he was a comedy genius as well one of the best physicists of his era. If you are self-isolating well worth waiting for the story of the safes at the end.

Enjoy


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 25 Mar 20 - 09:14 AM

A man with a long term problem of a dripping willie gets fed up of the embarrassment and ruined clothes and goes to the doctor for advice
He is told, "there's no regular cure, but I have a colleague who believes he's come up with the answer"
The man goes to see him and the colleague explains, "I'm pretty sure it works but the operation is pretty painful; I have to take a hair from your nose and insert it as far up your penis as I can manage"
He agrees and undergoes the very uncomfortable process and is told, "now go off and try it"
He does so, has a pee and waits; he is dismayed to see a large dewdrop appear
It hangs there; he waits and waits and waits, until finally his willie gives a huge "sniffff"
Jim


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 25 Mar 20 - 04:34 AM

I know I've told this numerous times - my favourite, told to us by a retired building worker from Clare, an ex farmer, fisherman and curragh maker living in Deptford
A Clare farmer was working in the fields when he caught his leg on a piece of rusty barbed wire
He did nothing about in until, after a few weeks, it began to redden, get sore and swell
It became so bad he was forced finally to go to Ennis hospital where he was told it had become gangrenous and would have to be removed
A neighbour came to see him the day after the operation and asked, "How did it go Tommy?"
"Bad and good" he replied, "they cut the wrong leg off"
"That's terrible" the neighbor said
"Not too bad, the other one's getting better"
Jim


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Senoufou
Date: 25 Mar 20 - 04:13 AM

A chap with a wooden leg was hopping down the High Street, and as he progressed he was seen pouring melted caramel over his head.
Turns out he was on his way to a fancy dress party, going as a toffee apple.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 25 Mar 20 - 03:54 AM

Queen Victoria at Chatham again
She prided herself on her stoicism and was determined not to comment on the horrors she was shown, no matter how bad
As her visit proceeded she suspected she was being sheltered from some of the worst, so she demanded to see them all
Reluctantly her hosts conducted her to a locked room at the back of the hospital where they treated some of the very worst cases - missing limbs, some limbless, blindness, maiming beyond belief.... everything imaginable
She never commented
She noticed a curtained-off section at the very back and demanded to be shown what it contained - they attempted to argue, but she demanded her royal right
In the room was a single bed that, at first appeared to be empty - when they drew back the covers there was a single ear on the pillow
She gasped and drew back in horror- "that's awful", she said
"I know Your Majesty", said the doctor, "and it's deaf"
Jim


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 24 Mar 20 - 11:52 AM

I was told this by a Liverpool docker we recorded who fought in the trenches in WW1
He was worried I would take it as being racist - it wasn't, of course, neither was he
A West Indian living in Liverpool was told by the doctor he was dying and was asked would he like to donate his body parts - he said he would, but only if they would tell him who was getting his heart
Reluctantly, the doctor agreed and gave him the name and address of the recipient, somewhere in Toxteth, on the east side
He went along to the address and knocked at the door; out came a huge, beer-bellied thug, body, piercing, skinhead haircut, Union Jack tee-shirt, the lot
"What the ***** do you want ?" he was asked.
"To tell you the truth, I've found out I'm dying and have donated my body to medical science - you're going to get my heart"
"Thank **** for that" came the reply, "I thought you were coming to live next door"


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 24 Mar 20 - 10:32 AM

A couple of 'Lime Street' jokes - probably told them before, but I need cheering up
AS friends of 'Maggie May' will know, Lime Street was once the notorious Liverpool 'Red Light' district, particularly in wartime and when Liverpool was a major seaport
Two friends ran a fish and chip shop on Lime Street but when WW2 came, what with the difficulty of fishing because of the UBoats and the rationing of potatoes, it became nearly impossible to get supplies and custom dropped to a standstill
One day one of them said to his mate, "Let's pack in the shop and open a brothel"
"Don't be daft", said his mate, "If we can't sell fish and chips how are we going to sell soup ?"

A mouse was crossing the tramlines on Lime Street one night - as he reached the centre the tram's front wheels ran over his tail and cut it clean off
As he turned to see if he could find it, the back wheels cut his head off
The moral of the story - Don't lose your head when you're looking for your tail in Lime Street
Jim


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: gillymor
Date: 24 Mar 20 - 08:58 AM

Not funny, not clever, wtf are they doing on a joke thread.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Mrrzy
Date: 24 Mar 20 - 08:54 AM

Then, um, why are they here?


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Donuel
Date: 24 Mar 20 - 08:21 AM

(the heart goes on)

Every night on TV
I see it, I hear it
That's how I know Covid goes on
Far across the distance
And spaces between us
You have come to show you go on
Here, there, wherever you are
I believe that the virus goes on
Once more you open the door
And you're here in my nose
And my cough will go on and on
Covid can touch us one time
And last for a lifetime
And never let go 'til we're gone

Once more…you open the door...


These are not meant to be funny in case you didn't know


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Sweet Caroline
From: Donuel
Date: 24 Mar 20 - 08:01 AM

Where it began, I can't begin to knowing
But then I know it's growing strong
Was in the spring
And spring became the summer
Who'd have believed it would come along
Hands, not touching hands
Reaching out, not touching me, not touching you

Sweet Quarantine
Good times never seemed so bad
I've been inclined
To believe we never could
But now I
Look at the night and it don't seem so lonely
We filled it up with only two
And when I hurt
Hurting runs off my shoulders
How can I hurt without holding you
One, not touching one
Reaching out, not touching me, not touching you…
Sweet Quarantine...








Source: LyricFind


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate
Next Page

 


You must be a member to post in non-music threads. Join here.


You must be a member to post in non-music threads. Join here.



Mudcat time: 31 March 11:21 PM EDT

[ Home ]

All original material is copyright © 1998 by the Mudcat Cafι Music Foundation, Inc. All photos, music, images, etc. are copyright © by their rightful owners. Every effort is taken to attribute appropriate copyright to images, content, music, etc. We are not a copyright resource.