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BS: First Joke Thread for 2019

Mr Red 31 Dec 18 - 05:04 AM
Jim Carroll 31 Dec 18 - 05:17 AM
Andrez 31 Dec 18 - 11:59 PM
Mr Red 01 Jan 19 - 03:50 AM
Senoufou 01 Jan 19 - 04:30 AM
Senoufou 01 Jan 19 - 04:38 AM
Mr Red 01 Jan 19 - 06:05 PM
Jim Carroll 02 Jan 19 - 04:02 AM
Mr Red 02 Jan 19 - 04:09 AM
Jim Carroll 02 Jan 19 - 04:41 AM
Senoufou 02 Jan 19 - 05:22 AM
Jim Carroll 02 Jan 19 - 06:05 AM
Senoufou 02 Jan 19 - 06:25 AM
Jos 02 Jan 19 - 06:25 AM
Dave the Gnome 02 Jan 19 - 06:58 AM
Jim Carroll 02 Jan 19 - 07:05 AM
Jim Carroll 02 Jan 19 - 07:12 AM
Senoufou 02 Jan 19 - 08:04 AM
Dave the Gnome 02 Jan 19 - 09:12 AM
Senoufou 02 Jan 19 - 09:22 AM
Jim Carroll 02 Jan 19 - 10:04 AM
Senoufou 02 Jan 19 - 10:19 AM
Jim Carroll 02 Jan 19 - 11:18 AM
Steve Shaw 02 Jan 19 - 01:30 PM
Mr Red 02 Jan 19 - 03:17 PM
Senoufou 02 Jan 19 - 03:32 PM
Joe_F 02 Jan 19 - 10:46 PM
Senoufou 03 Jan 19 - 03:47 AM
Jim Carroll 03 Jan 19 - 08:34 AM
Senoufou 03 Jan 19 - 08:55 AM
Senoufou 03 Jan 19 - 09:01 AM
Jim Carroll 03 Jan 19 - 10:02 AM
Senoufou 03 Jan 19 - 10:23 AM
Jim Carroll 03 Jan 19 - 10:40 AM
Steve Shaw 03 Jan 19 - 07:44 PM
Jim Carroll 04 Jan 19 - 04:38 AM
Donuel 04 Jan 19 - 11:37 AM
Doug Chadwick 05 Jan 19 - 05:42 AM
Steve Shaw 07 Jan 19 - 07:58 PM
Senoufou 08 Jan 19 - 05:53 PM
Tattie Bogle 08 Jan 19 - 07:47 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 09 Jan 19 - 07:12 PM
Doug Chadwick 10 Jan 19 - 06:08 PM
Steve Shaw 10 Jan 19 - 06:33 PM
Senoufou 10 Jan 19 - 06:38 PM
Senoufou 15 Jan 19 - 09:53 AM
Georgiansilver 15 Jan 19 - 02:09 PM
Steve Shaw 15 Jan 19 - 07:45 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 16 Jan 19 - 06:25 PM
Steve Shaw 17 Jan 19 - 10:01 AM
Steve Shaw 17 Jan 19 - 10:03 AM
Dave the Gnome 17 Jan 19 - 10:09 AM
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Bee-dubya-ell 17 Jan 19 - 11:06 AM
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gillymor 17 Jan 19 - 01:39 PM
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Dave the Gnome 18 Jan 19 - 03:50 AM
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Mr Red 19 Jan 19 - 12:41 PM
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HuwG 21 Jan 19 - 05:48 AM
Senoufou 21 Jan 19 - 08:31 AM
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Mrrzy 24 Jan 19 - 09:07 AM
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Jos 25 Jan 19 - 11:05 AM
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Donuel 27 Jan 19 - 10:11 AM
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Steve Shaw 27 Jan 19 - 01:28 PM
Donuel 28 Jan 19 - 12:04 PM
Jim Carroll 29 Jan 19 - 07:02 AM
Jim Carroll 30 Jan 19 - 03:07 AM
Bee-dubya-ell 30 Jan 19 - 03:37 PM
Donuel 30 Jan 19 - 03:43 PM
Joe_F 30 Jan 19 - 06:08 PM
Jim Carroll 31 Jan 19 - 03:48 AM
Steve Shaw 31 Jan 19 - 11:22 AM
Jim Carroll 01 Feb 19 - 03:39 AM
Georgiansilver 01 Feb 19 - 02:13 PM
Steve Shaw 03 Feb 19 - 03:22 PM
Michael 03 Feb 19 - 03:45 PM
Donuel 06 Feb 19 - 05:11 AM
Steve Shaw 06 Feb 19 - 09:53 AM
Georgiansilver 06 Feb 19 - 10:01 AM
Senoufou 06 Feb 19 - 10:14 AM
Mrrzy 06 Feb 19 - 11:14 AM
MudGuard 06 Feb 19 - 03:10 PM
Senoufou 06 Feb 19 - 03:38 PM
BobL 07 Feb 19 - 03:42 AM
Mr Red 07 Feb 19 - 04:04 AM
Mrrzy 07 Feb 19 - 06:38 AM
Roger the Skiffler 08 Feb 19 - 05:32 AM
MudGuard 08 Feb 19 - 01:25 PM
Mr Red 10 Feb 19 - 04:19 AM
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Georgiansilver 10 Feb 19 - 04:41 PM
Jim Carroll 11 Feb 19 - 06:57 AM
Mrrzy 12 Feb 19 - 08:37 AM
Roger the Skiffler 12 Feb 19 - 08:55 AM
Jim Carroll 12 Feb 19 - 09:39 AM
MudGuard 13 Feb 19 - 02:55 PM
Doug Chadwick 14 Feb 19 - 05:58 PM
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Doug Chadwick 17 Feb 19 - 06:08 AM
Tradsinger 17 Feb 19 - 05:05 PM
Georgiansilver 19 Feb 19 - 05:44 AM
Jim Carroll 19 Feb 19 - 06:01 AM
Steve Shaw 19 Feb 19 - 07:47 AM
Jim Carroll 19 Feb 19 - 09:20 AM
Mrrzy 22 Feb 19 - 08:55 AM
Steve Shaw 28 Feb 19 - 08:04 PM
Mr Red 01 Mar 19 - 03:15 AM
Mr Red 02 Mar 19 - 02:30 AM
Donuel 14 Apr 19 - 12:40 PM
Steve Shaw 14 Apr 19 - 05:35 PM
Donuel 14 Apr 19 - 06:07 PM
Steve Shaw 14 Apr 19 - 06:24 PM
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Steve Shaw 14 Apr 19 - 07:44 PM
Mr Red 16 Apr 19 - 03:48 AM
Steve Shaw 16 Apr 19 - 06:31 AM
Donuel 16 Apr 19 - 09:12 AM
Donuel 16 Apr 19 - 09:31 AM
Jim Carroll 16 Apr 19 - 10:51 AM
Pappy Fiddle 16 Apr 19 - 05:51 PM
Steve Shaw 16 Apr 19 - 05:53 PM
Donuel 16 Apr 19 - 08:16 PM
Steve Shaw 16 Apr 19 - 09:07 PM
Stanron 18 Apr 19 - 04:47 AM
Steve Shaw 18 Apr 19 - 08:45 AM
Steve Shaw 18 Apr 19 - 08:48 AM
Georgiansilver 18 Apr 19 - 07:53 PM
Steve Shaw 18 Apr 19 - 08:24 PM
Mr Red 19 Apr 19 - 03:25 AM
Jos 19 Apr 19 - 08:02 AM
Neil D 21 Apr 19 - 12:13 AM
Steve Shaw 21 Apr 19 - 06:22 AM
Georgiansilver 21 Apr 19 - 03:24 PM
Mr Red 22 Apr 19 - 03:54 AM
Steve Shaw 22 Apr 19 - 04:51 AM
Georgiansilver 24 Apr 19 - 06:15 PM
Steve Shaw 24 Apr 19 - 07:45 PM
Jim Carroll 25 Apr 19 - 01:57 PM
Doug Chadwick 25 Apr 19 - 07:38 PM
Georgiansilver 29 Apr 19 - 02:16 PM
Doug Chadwick 01 May 19 - 03:48 AM
Joe_F 02 May 19 - 07:03 PM
Mrrzy 03 May 19 - 10:45 AM
Mrrzy 27 May 19 - 08:04 PM
Steve Shaw 27 May 19 - 08:37 PM
Mrrzy 28 May 19 - 10:34 AM
Steve Shaw 28 May 19 - 11:53 AM
WalkaboutsVerse 28 May 19 - 05:00 PM
Mrrzy 28 May 19 - 05:53 PM
Steve Shaw 28 May 19 - 06:12 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 15 Jun 19 - 11:12 AM
Georgiansilver 16 Jun 19 - 11:22 AM
Steve Shaw 16 Jun 19 - 11:52 AM
Doug Chadwick 16 Jun 19 - 01:36 PM
Steve Shaw 17 Jun 19 - 09:15 PM
Georgiansilver 18 Jun 19 - 11:23 AM
Doug Chadwick 20 Jun 19 - 10:04 AM
Roger the Skiffler 27 Jun 19 - 07:03 AM
WalkaboutsVerse 01 Jul 19 - 12:47 PM
Steve Shaw 31 Aug 19 - 06:50 AM
Jim Carroll 31 Aug 19 - 07:41 AM
Jim Carroll 31 Aug 19 - 10:47 AM
Georgiansilver 31 Aug 19 - 11:36 AM
Steve Shaw 31 Aug 19 - 11:46 AM
Jim Carroll 31 Aug 19 - 12:24 PM
Steve Shaw 01 Sep 19 - 09:35 PM
Jim Carroll 02 Sep 19 - 03:18 AM
Georgiansilver 02 Sep 19 - 04:58 AM
Steve Shaw 02 Sep 19 - 05:15 AM
Jim Carroll 02 Sep 19 - 06:11 AM
Dave Hanson 02 Sep 19 - 07:41 AM
Jim Carroll 02 Sep 19 - 03:40 PM
Mrrzy 02 Sep 19 - 11:11 PM
Jim Carroll 04 Sep 19 - 04:20 PM
Mrrzy 04 Sep 19 - 10:06 PM
Jim Carroll 05 Sep 19 - 03:16 AM
Jim Carroll 05 Sep 19 - 08:44 AM
saulgoldie 06 Sep 19 - 08:16 AM
Jim Carroll 06 Sep 19 - 10:10 AM
Joe_F 06 Sep 19 - 06:16 PM
Steve Shaw 06 Sep 19 - 06:46 PM
Jim Carroll 07 Sep 19 - 02:56 AM
Jim Carroll 08 Sep 19 - 11:29 AM
Joe_F 08 Sep 19 - 09:05 PM
Jim Carroll 09 Sep 19 - 03:18 AM
Doug Chadwick 13 Sep 19 - 03:28 PM
Jim Carroll 14 Sep 19 - 06:08 AM
Jim Carroll 15 Sep 19 - 04:06 AM
Georgiansilver 16 Sep 19 - 02:37 PM
Donuel 16 Sep 19 - 03:10 PM
Jim Carroll 16 Sep 19 - 03:14 PM
Donuel 16 Sep 19 - 03:51 PM
Jim Carroll 17 Sep 19 - 03:11 AM
Steve Shaw 17 Sep 19 - 04:45 AM
Jim Carroll 17 Sep 19 - 08:49 AM
Steve Shaw 23 Sep 19 - 11:00 AM
Jim Carroll 24 Sep 19 - 01:14 PM
Doug Chadwick 25 Sep 19 - 02:33 PM
Donuel 16 Oct 19 - 06:40 PM
Steve Shaw 16 Oct 19 - 07:09 PM
Joe_F 16 Oct 19 - 09:23 PM
Mrrzy 17 Oct 19 - 09:13 AM
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Mrrzy 17 Oct 19 - 03:43 PM
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Subject: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Mr Red
Date: 31 Dec 18 - 05:04 AM

April 1st


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 31 Dec 18 - 05:17 AM

Two miners getting on in years made a life-long habit of going for a drink together every Sunday morning.
One Sunday one knocked on his mate's door to accompany him down to the local
"Is Fred ready yet?" he asked when his mate's wife came to the door
I'm afraid I have some bad news", she replied, "He was in the garden last night pulling a head of cabbage for today's dinner when he had a heart attack and died"
"Jaysus missus Jones, that's awful, what will you do now ?"
"I'll have to open a tin of peas, I suppose"
Jim Carroll


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Andrez
Date: 31 Dec 18 - 11:59 PM

One of the winners in a Cliché Competition seen in the the Daily Telegraph of London some years ago was:

"I hear what you're saying but, with all due respect, it's not exactly rocket science. Basically, at the end of the day, the fact of the matter is you have got to be able to tick all the boxes. It's not the end of the world as such but, to be perfectly honest with you, when push comes to shove, you don't want to be literally stuck between a rock and a hard place.

Going forward we all need to be on the same page and singing from the same song-sheet even if we can't see the wood from the trees. Naturally hindsight is 20/20 vision and you have to take the rough with the smooth before proceeding onwards and upwards. The bottom line is you wear your heart on your sleeve and, when all is said and done, this is all part and parcel of the ongoing bigger picture. C'est la vie (if you know what I mean)".


Sounds a bit like all the Brexit hoo haa and palaver we hear coming from Pollies in the media these days!

Cheers,

Andrez


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Mr Red
Date: 01 Jan 19 - 03:50 AM

What is made of brass & sounds like Tom Jones?


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Senoufou
Date: 01 Jan 19 - 04:30 AM

"Look, my name is Joseph of Nazareth. You've given me a box with some straw in it. I asked to speak to the MANAGER!"


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Senoufou
Date: 01 Jan 19 - 04:38 AM

"Yes, it's a Yuletide log. I'll flush the toilet again in a minute."

Well, I've plucked the duck and covered it in grease. But now we need to leave the park."

(I get these from Mock The Week, which always has me in stitches)


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Mr Red
Date: 01 Jan 19 - 06:05 PM

the Catalan version of the Yule log is "caga Tio"
A log with a face at one end, and presents inside. Kids have to beat it with sticks while singing a special song.

Literal translation is "shit log". I had to ask when I was there - didn't I?


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 02 Jan 19 - 04:02 AM

"What is made of brass & sounds like Tom Jones?"
What.... driving me mad ?

What's brown and sounds like a bell
DUNG
Jim Carroll


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Mr Red
Date: 02 Jan 19 - 04:09 AM

TROMBONES


Wha, Wha, Wha, Whaaaaaaaaaaaa.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 02 Jan 19 - 04:41 AM

That's a relief - thanks

A climber in the Swiss alps is hastily making his way down the foothills before the winter sets in when he falls and breaks his ankle and is rescued by a mountain shepherd
As it's too far from civilisation to get help, the shepherd takes him home, where he and his wife and daughter dress his ankle, feed him and give him a bed or the winter
Not having a radio or TV, they sing songs, tell stories, play games and keep him entertained throughout the winter until the snows begin to melt the following spring; they make a special effort to teach him their local tradition of yodeling

Come the spring, the farmer goes out daily to see how far he can get down he mountain while the climber and the wife and daughter wait at home for the news - the ankle is all but healed by this time
One day the farmer returns to find the climber in bed with his daughter
The climber flees, pulling up his trousers and the farmer begins to chase him down the mountainside shouting: "I took you in, healed you, fed you, gave you a bed and entertained you right through the winter - I even taught you how to yodel - and how do you repay me - you seduce my young daughter".
"And your old lay-ee-dee" sang back the climber
Jim Carroll


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Senoufou
Date: 02 Jan 19 - 05:22 AM

Hahahahaaaaaaaaagh!!!! These are making me die!!!!! :)

Oh please do some more you lot!!!


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 02 Jan 19 - 06:05 AM

Hi Sen' Happy New YEAR

"the Catalan version of the Yule log is "caga Tio""
THIS ALWAY MAKES ME SMILE THIS TIME OF YEAR
Jim


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Senoufou
Date: 02 Jan 19 - 06:25 AM

Happy New Year to you too Jim!
I've been to Barcelona quite a lot (years ago) and always giggled at the caganer.
I want that Trump one!!


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jos
Date: 02 Jan 19 - 06:25 AM

They're not very good likenesses, are they?
The only one I recognised immediately was the Star Wars storm trooper (and I've never seen Star Wars; until recently I thought a light sabre was a 'light saver' - very ecological).


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 02 Jan 19 - 06:58 AM

I went to the doctors the other day and told him I could not stop singing "The green, green grass of home"

He said I had Tom Jones syndrome.

I asked if that was rare.

He replied "It's not unusual"


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 02 Jan 19 - 07:05 AM

Not moving too far from this fundamental theme:
I discovered a new word from my local newsagent a couple of weeks ago
He is a native of Kilkee, a resort on the southern coast of this county, Clare, which was once the Summer watering-hole of the English landowners and rich farmers
Down there, they refer to tourists as 'Rookahs' - ,Rua' being a reference to 'red' (red haired') and ca, the childish word for 'shit (ca-ca)
In the big houses in Kilkee, it was the duty of the chambermaids to empty the chamber-pots over the cliffs into the sea
As only the wealthy in those days were the only ones who could afford red meat, the contents of the chamber-pots were invariably red in colour, so the tourists became known as 'rookahs' Red shits'
Bon appetít
Jim


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 02 Jan 19 - 07:12 AM

A man goes to the doctor complaining of flatulence
The doctor told him that, while embarrassing, it wasn't really serious
"This is a little different" said the man, "listen"
He bent over and let of an enormous fart which, intead of the usual sound, came out as "hondah"
"Strange" says the doctor, "drop your trousers and I'll examine you" - he did
Straightening up, the doctor said, "not too serious, you have an abscess"   
"What difference does that make?"
"Well" replied the doctor, "you mus know the old saying - abscess makes the fart go "hondah"
Jim


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Senoufou
Date: 02 Jan 19 - 08:04 AM

Gary Delaney is really very funny, even if a bit crude.

"I decided to try and improve my lovemaking technique, so I got a DVD about it. Skipped the bit about foreplay though - too boring."

"Today I had beef casserole with big dumplings. I shouldn't really call her that, but she is a big girl."

"This morning I went to my Premature Ejaculation meeting. Unfortunately it's tomorrow."


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 02 Jan 19 - 09:12 AM

The big dumplings one reminded me of Ronnie Barker in "Porridge".

They were talking about Pan's People and he commented there was one in particular that he liked.

"Lovely Babs. Can't remember her name..."


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Senoufou
Date: 02 Jan 19 - 09:22 AM

Humour was so much less inhibited then wasn't it? Before the PC lot got going.
I'd be very amused at being labelled 'Big Dumplings' or 'Lovely Babs'. I certainly wouldn't burst into tears or fan my face with my hand like today's snowflakes.

There's a food stall in Hellesdon, Norfolk which always gives me a smile. It's called 'Big Baps' Burger Bar'. (and the apostrophe is in the right place!) The lady behind the counter has certainly got both the credentials...


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 02 Jan 19 - 10:04 AM

I think there's a little difference between PC and actually giving offence - a fine line
I remember the problems over a character on Children's radio entitled 'Big Fat Rosie' where it was thought very funny when she jumped into a swimming pool and emptied it - did a lot of damage to some children with a weight problem who were awarded the name as a taunt at school
I think that in some cases "P.C." has become the refuge for bigots to strut their stuff
Sorry - didn't meant to inject an air of seriousness into this so-far pleasant thread

My favourite anti-racist joke (though it doesn't appear to be such at first):
A West Indian Londoner is told he is dying and the doctor asked him would he donate his heart to the local hospital
He agrees on the condition that he be told the name of the recipient, to which the doctor reluctantly acquiesces   
The donor knocks on the door of the recipient and is faced with a huge skinhead - swastika tattoos, pins in nose, spiky haircut - the lot.
Looking down at him, the skinhead demands, "What the **** do you want Sambo?"
Timidly, the man says, "I've been told I'm dying and you're going to get my heart"
"Thank **** for that", said the skinhead, "I thought you were coming to live next door"

And the Irish one:
A newly arrived Irish immigrant applied for a job as a builder with a high-class building firm and was offered the job on condition that he would prove his abilities by sitting a short oral test.
He was asked, "What's the difference between a joist and a girder
He answered, The First wrote Ulysses the second wrote Faust
Jim Carroll


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Senoufou
Date: 02 Jan 19 - 10:19 AM

Hahahahaaaa Jim! Love those two!

I was nicknamed 'Skinny Lizzie' at school (I was like a skeleton) after a character in Dandy comic called Tin Lizzie. Also the 'Galloping Hairpin' after the old footballer Jim Hammond. I quite liked these names.
Here's another Gary Delaney one:

"My grief counsellor died yesterday. Fortunately he was so good, I didn't give a shit."


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 02 Jan 19 - 11:18 AM

A lady elephant was making her way through the jungle when a rotten tree fell, trapping her trunk against the ground
Try as she might, she couldn't free herself and after a while she begins to worry she might starve to death
After many hours, along comes a mouse and, seeing her plight, begins to dig frantically until, late the following day, she manages to pull herself free
Beside herself with gratitude, she thanks the mouse profusely and asks him if there's any way she can repay him
He thinks hard and finally says; "Well, as ridiculous as it may sound, I've always wanted to make love to an elephant"
She immediately agrees, and the mouse begins to make passionate love to her
He almost reaches climax when a rotten branch falls from the tree they are under, giving her a sever blow on the head
She lets out a deafening roar, and the mouse asks "Sorry, am I hurting you?"
Jim


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 02 Jan 19 - 01:30 PM

There's a tea caravan between Camelford and Wadebridge on the A39 called Nice Baps.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Mr Red
Date: 02 Jan 19 - 03:17 PM

is it possible make a dodgy pun out of cobs or barm cakes?


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Senoufou
Date: 02 Jan 19 - 03:32 PM

Jim, I told my husband your joke about the heart transplant donor and he's still laughing!
But he also said he's very glad our village neighbours accepted him 'living next door' from the first day we arrived. He often parodies Little Britain ('only gay in the village) and has a laugh with our neighbour by saying, "I'm the only black man in the village!" with quite a credible Welsh accent.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Joe_F
Date: 02 Jan 19 - 10:46 PM

The first black man to move into a white neighborhood was out on a Saturday morning mowing the front lawn. A neighbor happened by & asked "Hey, boy, how much do you get for mowing that lawn?" He answered, "I don't actually get paid, but the lady of the house lets me sleep with her once in a while."


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Senoufou
Date: 03 Jan 19 - 03:47 AM

Hahahahaaaagh Joe F!! That could so easily apply to us! :)

These jokes are making a dull, dark January much brighter.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 03 Jan 19 - 08:34 AM

A joke from wartime Liverpool
During World War two, two friends ran a chip-shop on Lime Street, which was a notorious red-light district.
Due to wartime conditions, potatoes were hard to come by and expensive and fish was virtually ungettable because of U-Boat activity in the North Sea, so trade dwindled to almost nothing
On night wile closing up one of the friends said to his mate; "I think we have to rethink how we are going about things; maybe we should close this down and open a brothel"
"Don't be daft", says his mate, "if we can't sell fish and chips, we're never going to be able to sell soup"
   
Sen;
Again, at the risk of spoiling a highly-enjoyable thread, can I say that you are among the lucky ones and I wish you every success in that.
I lived in areas where foreigners were not so lucky and where personal abuse, vandalism and even physical attacks were commonplace - I knew several friends who were victims
Personally, I would rather err on the side of PC than stay silent when racism and sexism in the form of humour raises their ugly heads   
They may appear harmless, but they tend to make acceptable abuse that can and often is both hurtful and harmful
Sorry 'bout that
Jim


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Senoufou
Date: 03 Jan 19 - 08:55 AM

We are very lucky indeed Jim. Been in Norfolk for over forty years now, and I do realise it's not like other more urban areas, where racism and bigotry may be found. It's a little bubble of happiness here!
Our neighbours truly love my husband and don't patronise him. They have that dry Norfolk humour which outsiders might find a bit odd. He and they can laugh together, and he can imitate the Norfolk accent, which makes them die.
There is a very fine line between humour and nastiness, and I can see that being PC is an honest attempt to minimise the latter.
It's just that I come from a past generation when the world was a very different place!


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Senoufou
Date: 03 Jan 19 - 09:01 AM

Here's another rude joke from Mock The Week:

Things not heard on TV adverts:
"Tesco penis extensions. 'Cos every little helps."
and:
"Four hoof-marks and a pile of poo. It's the sign of the Black Horse..."
"Is your lovely cat annoying you by being too affectionate? Have a break, have a shit cat."


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 03 Jan 19 - 10:02 AM

A Stranger sitting in a Mexican cantina overhears two farmers discussing the recent outbreak of banditry in the area at the next table.
Suddenly one of the men asks him, "Have you ever heard of Pedro the Bandit, stranger?"
"Have I heard of Pedro the bandit? he replies, last week I was riding in the mountains when suddenly a masked stranger jumps out in front of me holding two guns.
"Put up your hands", he says - he has two guns, I have none, I put up my hands
"Now, give me all your money" he says, what choice do I have, I give him all my money.
"Now drop your trousers" he says, I don't hesitate, I drop my trousers.
"Now shit" he says, he doesn't have to tell me twice, I'm halfway there already
"Now eat it" - I don;'t think twice, I eat it.
Suddenly the masked man drops his guard, so I grab his gun and point it at him
"Put up your hands", I say - what choice does he have - he puts up his hands
"Now give me all your money" - like a shot he gives me all his money
"Now drop your trousers" - he obeys instantly and drops his trousers.
"Now shit" I say, I don't have top tell him, he has already done so
"Now eat it" he eats it as if he hadn't had a square meal for a week.

Do I know Pedro the Bandit? - didn't I have lunch with him only last week
Jim Carroll


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Senoufou
Date: 03 Jan 19 - 10:23 AM

Bleur yuk Jim!!!! Heh heh :)

That sounds like Kevin Bloody Wilson, the Australian comedian/singer. He sings 'Manuel the Bandito' and it's much the same story. (On Youtube)

My all-time favourite of his is 'Santa Claus you c***!!! Where's me f****** bike?' Very crude but makes me scream.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 03 Jan 19 - 10:40 AM

A seminarian about to become a full pries is walking through the seminary grounds when he comes to a stile, slips and falls face down in the mud
He looks at he mud covered clothes and says "Oh shit"
He slaps his hands to his mouth and says, "Fuck, I said shit"
He thinks about whe he has said and says, "shit, I said fuck"
Then he turns round and walks away in disgust saying "Ah bollocks, I didn't want to be a priest anyway"
Jim


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 03 Jan 19 - 07:44 PM

From that spam telephone thread:

Tommy Cooper said that he rang someone up and said "Who's speaking, please?" A voice said to him "You are." :-)

Another of his: "I went to the ticket office at the station and said, can I have a return, please? The chap said, where to? I said, Here."

Another: "I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from."


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 04 Jan 19 - 04:38 AM

Tommy Cooper again
A man called on his mate to see if he was going for a pint - his mates wife said, Frank died of a heart attack last night
The caller paused a few seconds and said, "Did he say anything about a tin of paint?"

Did you know Beethoven was so deaf the thought he was a painter?
Jim


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Donuel
Date: 04 Jan 19 - 11:37 AM

I hate false advertising that wastes my time. Youv'e seen those Suicide Help Hotlines. They won't help you do it.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 05 Jan 19 - 05:42 AM

After overeating very rich food during the Christmas period, a woman is suffering with severe flatulence. She goes to the doctor's and tells him "I can't stop farting Doctor ...bbrrrpp... It's not really smelly but ...bbrrrpp...the noise is really embarrassing".
"I see" said the doctor. "I'll give you a prescription for some tablets. Take one a day and come back and see me in two weeks".

When she goes back, she tells him "Those tablets made it worse. I'm still farting as much but now they absolutely stink".
"Good!" says the doc. "Now your sense of smell has been sorted out, we can work on the flatulence".

DC


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 07 Jan 19 - 07:58 PM

A middle-aged woman has just got out of the shower and is looking at herself naked in the full-length bedroom mirror.

"Oh my God!" she laments to her husband. "Just look at me! Sagging tits, bum like a burst bag of broad beans, bat's wings, crow's feet, everything wrinkled...I'm a total wreck! For God's sake say something good about me and cheer me up!"

"Sure!" says he. "You have perfect eyesight..."


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Senoufou
Date: 08 Jan 19 - 05:53 PM

Aaaagh! That could be describing me Steve!!

This isn't a joke, but a 'things children say' which I saw in the paper:-

A lady took her three year-old grandson for some lunch in a cafe. The waitress called out her order to the cook, "One bacon and egg, and one baked bean on toast." The child shouted, " But Nanny, I want a LOT of baked beans, not just one!"
This made me smile :)


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Tattie Bogle
Date: 08 Jan 19 - 07:47 PM

Cracker jokes are usually rubbish or total groan, but this one made me and a lady in a care home laugh (we'd gone to play them some jolly pre-Christmas music!)
"What did Cinderella say when her photos didn't come back?"
"Some day my prints will come".


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 09 Jan 19 - 07:12 PM

A woman visited her doctor for a minor ailment and, while there, expressed concern about her husband's recent behavior. It seemed that when he got the urge for a snack, instead of cookies, ice cream, or whatever, he would eat three or four dog biscuits. The doctor said that, while such behavior was unusual, it probably didn't pose any real health risks since pet products are inspected. As long as he was happy eating dog biscuits, there shouldn't be any need for concern.

About six months later, the woman returned to the same doctor for another minor problem. After the visit, the doctor asked how her husband was doing.

"Oh." said the woman, "He died a couple of months ago."

"Oh no!" exclaimed the doc, "It wasn't from eating dog biscuits was it?"

"No." replied the woman, "He was just sitting in the middle of the street licking his balls and a car ran over him."


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 10 Jan 19 - 06:08 PM

A resident of a retirement home, bored with the quiet life and looking for a little excitment, decided to do a streak around the garden. She stripped off and headed off at a run across the lawn, waving her hands in the air and sqeauling with glee. Two gentlemen sitting on the veranda looked up from their newspapers as they heard the noise.
"Good Heavens" said the first. "Wasn't that Marjory Pensworth?"
"Yes, I believe it was" said the second.
"What on Earth was she wearing?"asked the first.
Back came the reply "I don't know but whatever it was, it needed ironing".

DC


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 10 Jan 19 - 06:33 PM

A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends £15,000 and looks sensational.

On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.

‘About 32,’ is the reply.’

‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’

Now she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops at a candy shop on her way down the street.

She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the assistant the same burning question.

The clerk responds, ‘Oh, I’d say 30.’

Again she proudly responds, ‘I’m 50, but thank you!’

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.

He replies, ‘Lady, I’m 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra Then, and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.’

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her. She finally blurts out, ‘What the hell, go ahead.’

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, ‘Okay, okay.....How old am I?’

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, ‘Madam, you are 50.’

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, ‘That was incredible, how could you tell?’

‘I was behind you at McDonalds’.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Senoufou
Date: 10 Jan 19 - 06:38 PM

Hahahaaaaaagh! These jokes are all excellent!:)

Q. How do you keep an idiot in suspense?
A. I'll tell you later.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Senoufou
Date: 15 Jan 19 - 09:53 AM

Not a joke as such, but this morning I saw that there was a day this week when lots of people went on the Tube (London Underground) with no trousers on!! It's called 'No Trousers Tube Ride' and it's now an annual event in early January.

Men and women wore only their underpants on their lower half, and ordinary clothes on the top. Nothing rude showing, but lots of photos on the internet of carriages with bare legs everywhere, and people's expressions perfectly normal and detached. So British!

I laughed and laughed - I've never seen anything so funny and quirky. Shades of Monty Python.
Just what's needed to brighten up the miserable, dreary January days!


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 15 Jan 19 - 02:09 PM

Apparently the man who invented predictive text has passed away. His funfair is on Monkey.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 15 Jan 19 - 07:45 PM

Went to see Stan & Ollie tonight at the flicks. There were plenty of gentle gags, but I liked this one near the beginning, when Stan and Ollie were bemoaning their respective divorce experiences with regard to the amount of dough they'd had to pay out. Stan sez to Ollie, "I'm not getting married any more. I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just buy her a house."


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 16 Jan 19 - 06:25 PM

Why is a divorce so expensive?

Because it's worth it.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 17 Jan 19 - 10:01 AM

Rudolph can't have been Christian. He was a communist, Rudolph the Red. Tsk.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 17 Jan 19 - 10:03 AM

Blimey, even though I thought that was funny I'm still in the wrong thread! :-)


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 17 Jan 19 - 10:09 AM

Did I tell you the deja vu joke before?


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 17 Jan 19 - 10:14 AM

Rudolph Popov, weather forecaster for State TV in communist USSR was always accurate with his wet weather forecasts. After all, Rudolph the red knows rain, dear.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 17 Jan 19 - 11:06 AM

Same joke, different setting:

The famous Viking explorer, Erik the Red, had a cousin named Rudolf the Red. Rudolf often sailed on voyages with Erik, serving as lookout.

On a voyage carrying settlers from Norway to Greenland, a mass of thunderclouds built up on the horizon and it looked like the longship was going to sail directly into them unless they changed course. Erik was about to instruct the helmsman to steer to the south when Rudolf pulled Erik aside and told him not to worry, that the rain would fall a bit to the north of their present course. So, the ship maintained course and, sure enough, the storm moved to the north, leaving them totally unscathed.

After the seeming narrow escape, a female settler approached Erik and asked how he knew the storm would narrowly miss them. "Well," replied Erik, "it was actually my cousin Rudolf who made the call. I always take his advice in such matters because Rudolf the Red knows rain, dear."


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Donuel
Date: 17 Jan 19 - 11:20 AM

"We are going into month two of the government shutdown. I miss the good old days when at least we were governed by a mad English king"


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Donuel
Date: 17 Jan 19 - 11:27 AM

"Republicans don't want to keep the government shut down, they want to end this stalemate and get back to the important work of crippling the government, courts and FBI."


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 17 Jan 19 - 01:14 PM

Why interrupt a perfectcly good joke thread, Donuel, with unfunny political comment?

DC


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: gillymor
Date: 17 Jan 19 - 01:39 PM

It got so cold in Maine last week that the nudist camp put out a sign, “We are open but we are clothed.”


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Senoufou
Date: 17 Jan 19 - 02:03 PM

'My girlfriend's dog died, and to cheer her up I got her another, identical one. She was furious. She said, "What am I going to do with TWO dead dogs?"


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Donuel
Date: 17 Jan 19 - 04:22 PM

Old lady to her friend, "Relax Helen ol Dougie did not whistle at you,
he's wheezing."


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 18 Jan 19 - 03:50 AM

Two old chaps on the tube.

"Is this Wembley?"
"No it's Thursday."
"So am I. Lets get off and have a drink."


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: G-Force
Date: 18 Jan 19 - 01:53 PM

I like the advert for viagra: it might not make you James Bond, but it'll make you Roger Moore.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Mr Red
Date: 19 Jan 19 - 12:41 PM

An in the UK you can get it over the counter now.




If you buy enough......


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 19 Jan 19 - 01:44 PM

A man walks into a bar and orders a pint of Guinness, takes a swig, spits it out and empties it on the floor and says "piss"- he then spins on his heel and storms out
The next night he does the same, orders a Guinness, takes a swig, spits, empties o the floor, says "piss" and storms out
The third night the same man walks into the same bar
The barman, spotting him, says "piss off"
"In that case pull me a pint of bitter"
Jim Carroll


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 19 Jan 19 - 02:29 PM

A travelling circus moving around The West Country stopped in Exeter - they hadn't set up their equipment when the lion tamer fell ill and was rushed to hospital
In a panic, they advertised in the local shop windows for a replacement and shortly an out-of-work farm labourer applied for the job, explaining he had never done this work before
"No problem" says the boss, "we'll train you - it shouldn't take long"
They showed him how to use the whip and cape and taught him the commands, without the lion of course, till they finally decided he was ready
Nervously, the man prepared to go into the cage and timorously asked, "what if he doesn't obey and goes for me?"
"In that case" he is told, "you slowly back towards the gate, speaking calmly to him and, when you reach the gate you drop the whip and cape, point straight at him and command himn to stop - that should give you enough time to open the gate and escape"
"but what if he still keeps coming at me?"
"In that case, you reach behind you, pick up a lump of shit, and throw it at him, aiming straight between the eyes"
"But what if there's no shit?" he asks.
"Oh, there will be"
Jim Carroll


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 19 Jan 19 - 02:29 PM

A travelling circus moving around The West Country stopped in Exeter - they hadn't set up their equipment when the lion tamer fell ill and was rushed to hospital
In a panic, they advertised in the local shop windows for a replacement and shortly an out-of-work farm labourer applied for the job, explaining he had never done this work before
"No problem" says the boss, "we'll train you - it shouldn't take long"
They showed him how to use the whip and cape and taught him the commands, without the lion of course, till they finally decided he was ready
Nervously, the man prepared to go into the cage and timorously asked, "what if he doesn't obey and goes for me?"
"In that case" he is told, "you slowly back towards the gate, speaking calmly to him and, when you reach the gate you drop the whip and cape, point straight at him and command himn to stop - that should give you enough time to open the gate and escape"
"but what if he still keeps coming at me?"
"In that case, you reach behind you, pick up a lump of shit, and throw it at him, aiming straight between the eyes"
"But what if there's no shit?" he asks.
"Oh, there will be"
Jim Carroll


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 20 Jan 19 - 07:00 AM

On a similar theme   
A down at heel travelling circus had one big attractions – a magnificent Mountain Gorilla who roared, thumped its chest and swung about the cage with such power, energy and charisma that people came for miles to see it strut its stuff
One morning its owner went to feed the beast and he saw it hunched down in the corner of its cage on its haunches, looking very miserable and lifeless
They tried everything to revive it – nothing worked – so they finally called in the vet who, after careful examination, declared that it desperately needed companionship, preferably of the opposite sex
Way out in the sticks, they couldn’t imaging where they should get such a companion so finally, they visited a theatrical costumiers in the nearby town, acquired a Gorilla costume and advertised locally for a volunteer to put it on and climb into the cage with the suffering animal
Eventually someone applied, but demanded a very high fee and a guarantee that he wouldn’t be hurt
A fee was agreed and he was assured that skilled staff would be on hand with nets and poles, should anything go amiss
The man climbed into the cage and sat quietly in the centre – the gorilla edged over, sniffed, shambled around, prodded curiously and slipped its arm over the man’s shoulders
Eventually, it began to stroke and fondle the man passionately and it became very, very obvious that it wished to the relationship to the next stage
The man leap up and began to shout “Take it off, take it off”
The observers standing by rushed into the cage and began to force the animal into the corner
The man said, “No, no, I meant take off the suit; I want to kiss it”
Jim Carroll


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: HuwG
Date: 21 Jan 19 - 05:48 AM

Last Valentine's Day, I was driving home and suddenly remembered I hadn't bought my girlfriend any flowers. So I dived into the nearest garage, grabbed a bunch and tried to buy them. Arrgh! the card reader was out of order, and I had hardly any cash on me. I suggested to the assistant that I take the flowers, leaving my spare tyre as collateral, and sort matters out the next day.

It's been a Goodyear for the roses.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Senoufou
Date: 21 Jan 19 - 08:31 AM

What's square and blue?
A banana in disguise.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 23 Jan 19 - 01:01 PM

When I told my friends I was going to be a comedian, they all laughed at me …Well I am one!!! and they’re not laughing now!!!!


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 24 Jan 19 - 07:46 AM

A gambling addict who lost almost all his money on greyhounds decided to take his last few quid and lay them on one big race.
As he made his way to the booth he was accosted by a man who told him of this wonderful dog who was so fast it could out-run everything on the track - he qualified this by explaining one fault - it was used to a clockwise track and this was an anti-clockwise one, "but have no doubt it can overcome this, he's so fast"
Sure enough, the race started and at the first bend, where he was way out in front, the dog turned into the crowd rather than following the track, but immediately spun round and shortly overtook the other dogs - second bend the same, and the third.... right to the end of the race
At he finishing post the dog was a nose behind the winner due to his problem
The punter was in despair as he left the stadium and the tipster caught him up and apologised profusely.
"Not you fault", says the punter, "He's an amazing dog"
"That fault could be curd easily" he added," they could put a small piece of lead in his ear; that'd cure it"
"Wouldn't it fall out" says the tipster?
"Not if the put it in properly - they'd have to use a ****** gun"
Jim Carroll


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Mrrzy
Date: 24 Jan 19 - 09:07 AM

Senoufou, you reminded me of an old joke, what goes black&white, black&white, black&white, and then turns purple?

A nun falling down the stairs.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Senoufou
Date: 25 Jan 19 - 08:58 AM

Hahahaaaaagh Mrrzy!! I like that one!

There's a funny cartoon in the paper this morning.
Some men on board a ship, wearing bandanas and big earrings. They're doing strenuous exercises.
The caption reads, "Pilates of Penzance" !


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jos
Date: 25 Jan 19 - 09:04 AM

I've got the Pilates pun and drawing on my Steve Drew calendar - I wonder if two people came up with the same idea, or someone was 'influenced'. (Unless, of course, your cartoon is by Steve Drew.)


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Senoufou
Date: 25 Jan 19 - 09:33 AM

I've just had a look Jos (It was the Daily Mail, but don't tell Steve Shaw, he'll be sick!) It says Odd Streak by Tony Lopes.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jos
Date: 25 Jan 19 - 11:05 AM

Apologies, Steve Drew's drawing is 'Pilates of the Caribbean' - maybe it's just a case of two minds thinking [almost] alike.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: DMcG
Date: 25 Jan 19 - 11:21 AM

Another non-joke but "things children say". We were taking my grandson out as said we were going to a park he had been to before. He said he hadn't because he was three.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 25 Jan 19 - 12:11 PM

Children's story

An extremely vexatious child refused to eat its meal, dismissing all the different dishes put before him
In despair, the mother finally demanded of the little horror, "Well, what DO you want ?"
"Worms" came the snapped reply.
His mother protested, but at last gave in, went into the garden and returned with a bowl-ful of worms which she carefully washed under the tap and finally set them before the fractious little brat,
He stared at them and demanded "Want them warmed up"
Reluctantly she obliged and placed them in warm water and gently heated them, finally placing them before him"
"Want some custard on them" he grunted; again she obliged and once more set the worms before him
"You taste them first", he demanded, the harassed mother protested that she would do no such thing until, once again, she finally gave in, screwed up her face, took a spoonful of worms and shoveled them down
The child let out a loud scream and burst into floods of tears.
At her wit's end, the poor mother demanded "I've given you everything you asked for, what's the matter now?"
"You've eaten the bit I wanted", the child howled in reply
Jim


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Mrrzy
Date: 26 Jan 19 - 02:56 PM

What is black&white & red all over and can't turn around in the elevator?

A nun with a spear through her head.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Senoufou
Date: 26 Jan 19 - 03:15 PM

Another 'things children say' account by a real-life grandmother (letter in the paper):-

Granny had taken her little grandson out for tea and it was time to take him home. He didn't want to go home yet and kept trying to delay things.
They passed a building with a sign outside, and he piped up,
"Oh look Granny, ice creams! Can we stop there?"
"No dear, it's not an ice-cream shop, it's a care home for very old people."
"Well, we could go in and look at them couldn't we?"


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Donuel
Date: 27 Jan 19 - 10:11 AM

I woke up in the hospital and police said they had investigated my incident. They thought the other driver had a speed reading related text accident.

I'm getting more into astronomy so I installed a sky light.
My upstairs neighbors were furious.

I got an answering machine so I programed it with a recording of a busy signal.

I lost a button hole?!

I parked my car in a tow away Zone at Twillight. When I came back the whole area was gone.

I have a switch that doesn't turn on lights or anything so I switch it back and forth to keep checking it. A woman from Sussex emailed me "cut it out!".

I've written several children's books but not on purpose. They were supposed to be Cosmology.

The FBI are investigating me because I emailed Roger Stone, Manifort and Robert Durst back in 2016. Now I'm the only one not in jail.

I saw a beautiful woman in Walmart so I chatted, "would you like to have a coffee with me". She said "I only go out with Jewish cowboys". I said its nice to meet you, my name is Bucky Goldstein.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Donuel
Date: 27 Jan 19 - 12:15 PM

I caught a bad case of HDADD. I don't pay attention but when I do the detail is amazing. I saw for the first time the Earth is bi-polar.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 27 Jan 19 - 01:28 PM

I've just got back from a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what: never again...


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Donuel
Date: 28 Jan 19 - 12:04 PM

"I'm glad to hear it."
Shauden Freuda


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 29 Jan 19 - 07:02 AM

Visual joke
Just after WW2 a man walked into a pub like this (right hand pulled up into sleeve)
The barman said - "where did you get that ?"
"Dunkirk", came the reply
The barman pulled hi a free pint
Shortly after, a man walked in like this (left hand pulled into sleeve)
The barman asked him "Where did you get that"
"Anzio" came the reply
Another free pint
An hour late yet another man came in like this (both hands pulled into sleeves)
"Where did you get that?" asks the barman
"Burton's - it's ****** going back in the morning"   
Jim Carroll


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 30 Jan 19 - 03:07 AM

Was going to put this up on 'A Cautionary Tale' but probably bad taste

Presidentof Ireland, Eamon DeValera was visiting a mental institution when he was intoduced to a timid-looking man sitting alone gazing out of the window
They became engaged in deep conversation and the man began to explain how it was all a dreadful mistake for him to be incarcerated in the institution as there was nothing wrong with his mental health
After half-an-hour he managed to persuade Dev of his case - the President promised solemnly that he would look into the matter as soon as possible
When he turned to go the man picked up his chair, smashed it over Dev's head and said, "Don't forget your promise now, will you?"
Jim Carroll


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 30 Jan 19 - 03:37 PM

A young woman, obviously a member of the of the oldest profession, took a seat on a stool beside a man at a bar, leaned over and whispered in his ear, "If you can say it in three words, I'll do it for a hundred dollars."

The man looked at her and said, "Paint my house."


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Donuel
Date: 30 Jan 19 - 03:43 PM

I asked some guys drinking beer why they like beer so much.
An English guy said because beer makes me a jolly good fellow.
The American said I like em when they are cold and tall.
A weaving guy said, cuz I'm good at it, thats all.
A Republican said, I like beer like my women, on the edge of unconsciousness.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Joe_F
Date: 30 Jan 19 - 06:08 PM

Patient: "My friends made this appointment. They said I need help because I like pancakes."
Psychiatrist: "Really! There's nothing wrong with liking pancakes. I like pancakes myself."
"Do you? You must come up to my apartment sometime. I have a whole trunk full."


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 31 Jan 19 - 03:48 AM

"The man looked at her and said, "Paint my house.""
A wealthy man came out of his front door to find the painter he had hired had painted his expensive classic car with weatherproof paint
He spun on him and snapped, I said paint the porch, you feckin' eejit"
Jim Carroll


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 31 Jan 19 - 11:22 AM

Hear about the chap with five willies?

His underpants fit him like a glove...


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 01 Feb 19 - 03:39 AM

A mouse was crossing Lime Street in the days when it was at its height as Liverpool's red-light district.
As it crossed the tramlines it mis-timed it and its tail was cut off by the front wheels of a passing tram
It turned around to rescue the tail, thinking it could be sewn back on, when the back wheels cut it's head off cleanly
Moral of the story:
Never lose your head when you're looking for your tail in Lime Street
Jim Carroll


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 01 Feb 19 - 02:13 PM

Last year, I joined a support group for anti-social people. We haven’t met yet!


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 03 Feb 19 - 03:22 PM

Went to the doctor's this morning. What's up with me, doc? I asked. You've got hypochondria, he said. I'm not surprised, I said, I've had everything else...


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Michael
Date: 03 Feb 19 - 03:45 PM

"Saw the doctor this morning." "Oh, what did he say?" "Nothing he didn't see me, I was hiding."

Monty Python


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Donuel
Date: 06 Feb 19 - 05:11 AM

If I melted dry ice in an empty pool could I go swimming without getting wet?


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 06 Feb 19 - 09:53 AM

Dry ice doesn't melt. Duh.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 06 Feb 19 - 10:01 AM

A warning to all in our area folks. Be careful about drink driving as police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many beers and then went on to wine. Not a good idea. Knowing I was over the limit I decided to leave my car at the bar and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, Because I was in a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accident, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before and I am not even sure where I got it from !!!!!


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Senoufou
Date: 06 Feb 19 - 10:14 AM

(This is an old one)

Review of a restaurant on the moon:
'Great food. No atmosphere.'


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Mrrzy
Date: 06 Feb 19 - 11:14 AM

While we are in the recycling bin...

What's the best time to go to the dentist?
2:30.

[Say it slowly...]


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: MudGuard
Date: 06 Feb 19 - 03:10 PM

Senoufou, shouldn't that - regarding moon's weak gravity - be

"Light food. No atmosphere."?


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Senoufou
Date: 06 Feb 19 - 03:38 PM

Haha MudGuard, that's true!

Mrrzy, that sounds like a Chinaman needing the dentist :)


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: BobL
Date: 07 Feb 19 - 03:42 AM

I'm reminded that many years ago the Good Beer Guide reviewed some TV ads by brewers, one of which featured astronauts on the Moon. Their comment:
"It's bleak, it's barren and there's no atmosphere. Yes, it's a Watney's pub."


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Mr Red
Date: 07 Feb 19 - 04:04 AM

What's the best time to go to the dentist?
2:30.


A local dentist that put on a few ceilidhs told me when they installed a new alarm system the release code number was - you guessed it.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Mrrzy
Date: 07 Feb 19 - 06:38 AM

Ha ha! Ok, how do lawyers sleep? Well, first they lie on one side, then they lie on the other...


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Roger the Skiffler
Date: 08 Feb 19 - 05:32 AM

Batman and Robin left the Batcave for the Batgarage to go to the Batshops. The Batmobile wouldn't start, so Batman looked under the Bathood. "It's the battery, Robin" said Batman. "What's an Attery?" asked Robin.
RtS


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: MudGuard
Date: 08 Feb 19 - 01:25 PM

What's a "tery", Robin should have asked, as it wasn't the "batattery".


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Mr Red
Date: 10 Feb 19 - 04:19 AM

if one cylinder went sick it would sound like a batattery!


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 10 Feb 19 - 12:12 PM

Some recently deceased people were queuing at the gates of Heaven to get in. St Peter said to the first man "All you thought about in your time on Earth was money, money, money. Even your wife's name was Penny. I'm sorry, you can't come in. You'll have to go to the other place.

As the second man stepped forward, St Peter said "I'm afraid you succumbed to the demon drink. You were never sober. You even married a girl called Sherry. Go to Hell!"

A couple standing at the back of the queue overheard the conversations. The husband turned to his wife and said " Come on Fanny, we're not hanging round here to be insulted".

DC


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 10 Feb 19 - 04:41 PM

On the subject of dentists. I need to see mine this week... I hate seeing her... she always looks down in the mouth!


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 11 Feb 19 - 06:57 AM

A young feller starts work on a sheep farm in the Outback - after the first few weeks be begins to feel the lack of female company
On enquiring he is told be his workmates, "There's always the sheep"
He protests, outraged and is told, "We all do it"
Eventually he comes around to the idea, climbs into the pen, selects a ewe and starts giving it the business
He looks up to see all his mates standing around the fence splitting the guts laughing.
"What are you laughing at - you said you all do it?"
"We do, but did you have to pick the ugliest one?"
Jim Carroll


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Mrrzy
Date: 12 Feb 19 - 08:37 AM

There is a version of that with camels, where he was supposed to ride it to town to the whorehouse...!


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Roger the Skiffler
Date: 12 Feb 19 - 08:55 AM

Gag recycled from sax player Alan Barnes:
If it wasn't for pickpockets I wouldn't have a sex life.
RtS


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 12 Feb 19 - 09:39 AM

"Camels"
During WW2 a Tommy was loaned a camel by an Arab driver to help him carry out his duties
He was unable to get the beast to move so he sought assiatance from his benefactor
He was told, "You get behind the beast with two stones in your hands - you'll find its balls protrude behind it so you take the stones and slap them together catching the balls between them"
The soldier winced and asked; "doesn't that hurt?"
"Not if you don't trap your fingers, it doesn't".
Jim


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: MudGuard
Date: 13 Feb 19 - 02:55 PM

A mathematician is offered a choice by a fairy:
he may either get a bacon-lettuce-tomato-sandwich, or everlasting happiness.

What does he choose?

Obviously, he takes the sandwich!


Why?










.



.



.




.




.




.





Because:

nothing is better than everlasting happiness,
and one BLT-Sandwich is better than nothing ...


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 14 Feb 19 - 05:58 PM

Does a drive-in cinema have wall-to-wall car petting?

DC


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 14 Feb 19 - 06:28 PM

The new local cinematorium
Is not only a super sensorium.
But a highly effectual,
Heterosexual,
Mutual masturbatorium.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Joe_F
Date: 15 Feb 19 - 05:52 PM

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing their, you don't appreciate the gravity of the situation.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 17 Feb 19 - 06:08 AM

A man comes home late one evening and says to his wife "Cancel the milk. I've just heard from some blokes in the pub that our milkman has a terrible reputation. When the men are out at work, he visits the houses on his round and plays fast and loose with their wives. Apparently, he's been boasting that he's had every woman in our street except one".

"Really?" said his wife. "I'll bet it's that stuck-up Mrs Jones from number 15".

DC


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Tradsinger
Date: 17 Feb 19 - 05:05 PM

Two vicars were talking. One says "I think all this premarital sex is disgusting. I never made love to my wife before we were married, did you?" The other vicar replies "I'm not sure. What was her name?"

Man walks into a bar - orders 3 pints and a double whisky and says to the barman "I shouldn't really be drinking all this with what I've got." The barman asks "Why, what have you got?" The man says "25p".


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 19 Feb 19 - 05:44 AM

Bought a brand new 50 inch television today. It was reduced to only £200 but the volume button won’t work and it’s stuck on high. At that price how could anyone turn it down.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 19 Feb 19 - 06:01 AM

A teacher in Liverpool once asked be as I was approaching school leaving age - "What do you want to bee or a wasp?"
Jim Carroll


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 19 Feb 19 - 07:47 AM

I knew one teacher who, when telling a kid off, would roar in his face " Don't you DARE open your mouth when you're talking to ME, boy!"


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 19 Feb 19 - 09:20 AM

The teacher comes into class one morning to find someone has left a steaming turd in the middle of his desk
He demands to know who has left in there, nobody owns up
He threatens to keep the entire class in after school until somebody confess , still nobody confesses
At his wits end, he tells the class, "Right, what I'll do, I'll draw the blings, leave the room and stay out for five minutes and will forget all this happened if someone just removes it.
He turns to find another turd next to the turd and a message scrawled on the blackboard, "The phantom arsehole strikes again".   
Jim Carroll


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Mrrzy
Date: 22 Feb 19 - 08:55 AM

Movie critic: performances in this film were uniformly outstanding! I had to turn off the tube and cogitate.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 28 Feb 19 - 08:04 PM

We were on the Big Dipper at Blackpool Pleasure Beach when my girlfriend broke up with me. I was devastated. It was an emotional roller coaster.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Mr Red
Date: 01 Mar 19 - 03:15 AM

Septimus Glutinus Maximus (Gladiator) Strolls into a bar in downtown Herculaneum

"I'll have a Martinus, barman"

"Don't you mean a Martini?"

"If I'd wanted a double, I would have asked for one"


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Mr Red
Date: 02 Mar 19 - 02:30 AM

Yesterday on Radio 4 (Uniquely British railway references)

<TANNOY ECHO=ON>
the British Government apologise for the delay of a Brexshit decision, because of leavers on the line, there was a no points failure and it was the wrong kind of no
</TANNOY>


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Donuel
Date: 14 Apr 19 - 12:40 PM

Mohammed bin Salman joined Trump and Kim Jung Un in a round of golf on a recent nuclear summit. Kim has many exotic animals in and around the golf course. Trump, having just taken a generous relief from a pile of animal crap, sees a llama and says "there'sa llama in th'lake Kim".
Salman says "peace be upon him" and Kim says "What Rake"


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 14 Apr 19 - 05:35 PM

I don't suppose you have any actual JOKES, Donuel...?


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Donuel
Date: 14 Apr 19 - 06:07 PM

Jokes I write my self are original, I know you like traditional.
Lay down your hate for the sake of a language that divides cultural and diverse genres of humor. Your case of egoitis is not getting better.

VP Pence is so homophobic he eats bananas from the middle.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 14 Apr 19 - 06:24 PM

No hate, Donuel. When I click on a joke thread I sort of expect a laugh. You are obsessed with Trump et al and your "jokes" are the most unfunny confections ever. We live in a vale of tears, Donuel, and we need a laugh. Even a groan. We don't need you infesting joke threads with quasi-tragedy. Nighty night.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Donuel
Date: 14 Apr 19 - 06:52 PM

Yes I am obcessed with the instigators and tools of genocide. It is a veil that can be pierced with effort. I am less obcessed than Bill Mahre.

When VP Pence sees a rainbow he yells be gone gay air!


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 14 Apr 19 - 07:44 PM

I don't care who you're obsessed with. It's a joke thread. So, within the spirit of the thing:

"I went to the doctors. He said ‘I’d like you to lie on the couch’. I said ‘What for?’ He said ‘I’d like to sweep the floor’."


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Mr Red
Date: 16 Apr 19 - 03:48 AM

You are obsessed with Trump et al and your "jokes" are the most unfunny confections ever.

As the originator of the thread, I wouldn't dare declare what is and isn't a joke. But just to highlight how personal humour is, I smiled at Donuel's quips. And not at the last post - recognisable as a joke, but far from ROTFLMAO it is predictable and predictable ain't funny**. Unless you are Gerrard Hoffnung.

**Any analysis of humour would end up referring to the way it sets up a conflict in your brain and the logic that makes it true and the logic that says it isn't, is pleasing. When you have already arrived at the two logics, there is no conflict, there is no pleasing. And logic pre-supposes a lifetime of personal experience/data/exposure.

Humour is never funny when you analyse it.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 16 Apr 19 - 06:31 AM

Well that's all a bit convoluted. As far as I'm concerned, a joke should make me laugh, smile, smirk or groan. And if you find Donuel's "jokes" amusing, but not the Tommy Cooper one that I presented to you, then I can reach only one conclusion: you're a yank.

(Was that a joke...?)


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Donuel
Date: 16 Apr 19 - 09:12 AM

Thank you for coming Fire Chief Reynolds.
Thank you Rachel, Even the capitol Building of Maryland has a fire suppression system that protects the wood and gold gilded dome and building that would make any fire Lester Maddox than the Notre Dame fire. PVC tubes spreads water into areas that makes the possibility of fire Lester Maddox. An original lightning rod made by Benjamine Franlin also makes lighting fire propogation Lestor Maddox.

EXCUSE me Chief Reynolds but what does a historic racist bigot from Georgia have to do with Notre Dame or fire safety??

I don't know but even the White House has a fire suppresson system to make fires less dramatic.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Donuel
Date: 16 Apr 19 - 09:31 AM

A combination of yank and UK style jokes.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 16 Apr 19 - 10:51 AM

Liverpudlian's chat-up line - "Guess what I had in my hand when I woke up this morning?"
Jim Carroll


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Pappy Fiddle
Date: 16 Apr 19 - 05:51 PM

At an Irish wedding reception, the DJ called out, "Would all the married men please stand next to the one person who has always been there for them, listened to all their woes, made their life worth living."

The bartender was almost crushed to death.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 16 Apr 19 - 05:53 PM

Now you're talking, chaps! :-)


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Donuel
Date: 16 Apr 19 - 08:16 PM

My wife didn't get my joke even after explanation.
Lester Maddox is too long dead and I am too old, but I still look as good as Dave Barry.
I will no longer put skits in the UK joke thread, besides you don't like yanks as it is.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 16 Apr 19 - 09:07 PM

We love yanks. And we recognise that a very few of you are at last beginning to achieve "a sense of humour." It's been a struggle and we might have to give it another thousand years, but we Brits never give up...


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Stanron
Date: 18 Apr 19 - 04:47 AM

Here's a good one. Mr Red starts a thread for jokes 2019 and one of the usual suspects starts an argument!


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 18 Apr 19 - 08:45 AM

Posting tedious non-jokes in a joke thread, thinking that they're jokes, is a brilliant way to start an argument. Think I'll toddle off and watch that Monty Python sketch in an argument clinic:

"Palin then enters Cleese's room, where Cleese immediately starts an argument, claiming that Palin has already been told that it is the right room. The argument is petty, and consists primarily of the two men contradicting each other. Eventually, Cleese rings a bell signifying the end of the argument, and after Palin pays for another five minutes, Cleese claims that he hasn't. Palin leaves in frustration."


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 18 Apr 19 - 08:48 AM

Anyway.

My wife complained that her feet hurt. I said: “You’ve got your shoes on the wrong feet.” She said: “But these are the only feet I’ve got.”


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 18 Apr 19 - 07:53 PM

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Salford University UK.
On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Pete approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Pete worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.
The elephant turned to face Pete and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Pete stood frozen, thinking he might be attacked. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away. Pete never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later, Pete was walking through a Zoo with his teenage son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son David were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Pete, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at Pete.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Pete could not help thinking that this was the same elephant. He summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared at it in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Petes’ legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.
Probably wasn't the same elephant.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 18 Apr 19 - 08:24 PM

:-)


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Mr Red
Date: 19 Apr 19 - 03:25 AM

there you go. saw it coming, didn't laugh.
Just shows you how personal humour is. And how finding things funny depends on not seeing the punchline before it is delivered.

Yes, Yes we can see how someone else finds things funny. Like slipping on a banana skin - depends on who sees it, or does it. Not all of the above laugh.


FWIW and it is curious rather than funny BUT: the banana skin joke is a Hollywood metaphore for Horse Shit, because in the early days of film Horses were THE mode of transport and they shit everywhere. And propriety demanded they found an analogue for something that everyday people would have had to avoid or slip upon.

AND dare we say - it is the way you tell 'em. Tommy Cooper told them, visually, he didn't write them down!


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jos
Date: 19 Apr 19 - 08:02 AM

Whatever do they feed the horses on round your way, Mr Red, to make it slippery. Are you sure it wasn't cows causing the problem?


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Neil D
Date: 21 Apr 19 - 12:13 AM

A priest and a nun are crossing the desert on a camel which proceeds to up and die. Sitting there next to the dead camel, out of water in the middle of the desert, the priest says "sister I believe were going to die. Before we do there's something I always wanted to try." He pulls out his penis and the nun, gasping , says "father, what is that?" The priest says "sister this is that which gives life". The nun thinks for a moment and asks "Why don't you stick it in that camel so we can get the hell out of here?"


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 21 Apr 19 - 06:22 AM

I went to the zoo yesterday, but all it had was one little dog. It was a Shih tzu.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 21 Apr 19 - 03:24 PM

I said 'I'm leaving you'!! ..........She asked 'Why'?........... I said because I'm homesick'.            She said 'But this is your home'.             I said 'I know and I'm sick of it'!!!


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Mr Red
Date: 22 Apr 19 - 03:54 AM

Whatever do they feed the horses on round your way, Mr Red, to make it slippery. Are you sure it wasn't cows causing the problem? in India maybe.

In Hollywood & the UK there were far less cows pulling toffs in hansom cabs AKAIK. And whatever you feed horses on, it just melts when it rains. And UK weather ................

There was a Victorian trade of "crossing sweeper" (& I presume Hollywood had reached the reached such sophistication if not yet the degredation) to clean the road in an informal "cross walk" for toffs and ladies in long skirts to cross in relative ease. A bit like squeegie bandits at junctions these days, they did it for the tips.

And we thought pollution was a recent phenomenon! Solved by the motor car! Begs the question, what downside will electric vehicles produce as they solve the current problemo? I predict it will be the re-cycling of batteries. But predicting the future is a joke. Not funny but .................


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 22 Apr 19 - 04:51 AM

All this talk of horses pulling things....What is this? Some kind of a yoke thread...?


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 24 Apr 19 - 06:15 PM

The man who invented the ‘Hokey Pokey’ died last week. Things went OK until they tried to put him in his coffin…. ‘’They put his left leg in’’


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 24 Apr 19 - 07:45 PM

And he overdosed on Viagra just before he died so that he wouldn't roll over as they carried his coffin...


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 25 Apr 19 - 01:57 PM

During the occupation of France a Nazi officer swaggered into a Paris brothel, grabbed the most attractive woman and dragged her up to an upstairs room where the tore off her clothes, threw her on the bed and brutally ravished her
When he finished, he boasted lodly, "In nine months time you will give birth to a handsome blond child; you may call him Adolf - Heil Hitler"
She replied "In a few days time your willie will begin to itch, and will become covered with festering sores - You may call it a skin infection - Vive La France"
Jim Carroll


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 25 Apr 19 - 07:38 PM

Dad was putting his daughter to bed when, putting her hands together and closing her eyes, she said "God bless mummy; God bless daddy; God bless grandma; goodbye grandad". The next morning, grandad was about to tuck into a hearty breakfast when he clutched his chest and collapsed. He died before the ambulance arrived.

A few weeks later, the little girl was again saying her prayers when she said "God bless mummy; God bless daddy; goodbye grandma". The next morning, grandma was found dead in bed. Of course, it could have been just a coincidence - or was there something more to it? He decided to keep it to himself rather than upset his wife at what was already a stressful time.

Some months went by without event until one evening she said "God bless mummy; goodbye daddy". Much as he decided to dismiss it from his mind, he nevertheless decide to go into work by public transport rather than risk driving. At the office, he took the stairs rather than the lift. He passed on eating lunch and by the afternoon he couldn't concentrate on any of his work. The journey home was a torture and, by the time he arrived home, he was a bag of nerves. He closed the door behind him and saw his wife standing in the hallway.

"I've had a terrible day" he said, almost crying.

"You think you've had a terrible day?" she replied. "What about me? The milkman dropped dead on the step this morning".

DC


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 29 Apr 19 - 02:16 PM

I went to the house of some friends this afternoon. There was a note saying ‘’Out! please hide in garage’’. Was in there two hours and my friend came in . He said what on Earth are you doing in here? I said ‘’I read your note and hid in here’’. He said ‘’You fool, the note was for our delivery man’’.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 01 May 19 - 03:48 AM

At an army training camp, news comes through that the father of one of the recruits has passed away. The officer in charge, wishing to pass the buck, informs the sergeant major, saying "You're closer to the men Sergeant Major. Perhaps it would be better coming from you."

"Yes sir" replies the sergeant major with a smart salute.

He steps out onto the parade ground and bellows "TOMKIN, HERE! NOW!!". He dashes up and the sergeant major says "The CO says your father's dead. Carry on Tomkin".

"Sergeant Major" protests the officer. "That was a little, erm, insensitive".

Two weeks later news comes through that, sadly, Tomkin's mother has also passed away. The officer calls the sergeant major and says "This time, I want you to break the bad news more gently. Try to be - how shall I put it? - a little less direct".

"Very good sir" replies the sergeant major. "Right you lot! Get yourselves fell in - AT THE DOUBLE. Anyone with at least one parent living, fall out to the canteen. WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU'RE GOING TO, TOMKIN?"

DC


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Joe_F
Date: 02 May 19 - 07:03 PM

Scarcely had the marriage been consummated, when the husband succumbed to jealousy. He fell into a troubled sleep, and dreamed that an angel had come down to relieve his anxiety. The angel gave him a ring, and told him that as long as he wore it, his wife was certain to be faithful. But as soon as he put the ring on, it began jerking violently as if trying to pull itself off. During the struggle, he heard his bride's voice yelling "Stop that!" and awoke to find his finger you must not imagine where.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Mrrzy
Date: 03 May 19 - 10:45 AM

AaaaaaAaaaAaaaargh! (News of Chewy's death)


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Mrrzy
Date: 27 May 19 - 08:04 PM

What is ET short for?
Um, extraterrestrial?
Nah, it's so he can fit into his tiny little spaceship.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 27 May 19 - 08:37 PM

What is ET short for?

Cos he's only got little legs...


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Mrrzy
Date: 28 May 19 - 10:34 AM

Now I must punish you.

Knock, knock!
Who's there?
Smellmop.
(Then laugh if they give the expected response.)


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 28 May 19 - 11:53 AM

Knock knock

Who's there?

Control freak - now you say "control freak who?"


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: WalkaboutsVerse
Date: 28 May 19 - 05:00 PM

2 golfers were in the middle of their round when an electric storm started. When 1 pulled out a 1-iron & held it up high, his partner asked "what on EARTH are you doing? There's lightening about!" To which he calmly replied "not even God can hit a 1-iron"; my song, from WalkaboutsVerse, "Lingolf"


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Mrrzy
Date: 28 May 19 - 05:53 PM

Why did da Danes put bar codes on all deir ships? So dey could scan da navy in.

Remember the Interruption Cow knockknock joke? Interruption Giraffe works the same, but you stick your tongue out instead of mooing...


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 28 May 19 - 06:12 PM

I've said it before and I'll say it again.

Knock knock.

Who's there?

M. A. B. it's a big horse.

M. A. B. it's a big horse who?

M. A. B. it's a big horse I'm a Londoner...


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 15 Jun 19 - 11:12 AM

Why is it hard to tell when a pterodactyl is using the loo?






Because the pee is silent.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 16 Jun 19 - 11:22 AM

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as the ball headed directly towards four men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one man and he clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed to the man, and apologised. ‘'Please let me help. I'm a Physiotherapist and I know I could Relieve your pain if you'll let me’' she told him. 'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' he replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the foetal position, still clasping his hands at his groin. At her persistence, however, he agreed to let her help.
She moved his hands to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She provided tender and artful massage for several long minutes. ‘'How does that feel?’’ she asked. He replied: ‘'It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken’’.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 16 Jun 19 - 11:52 AM

A man rushed up to me in the street and cried "Quick! Quick! Have you seen a policeman around here?"

"No," I replied.

"Good!" he said, "Stick 'em up..."


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 16 Jun 19 - 01:36 PM

The dinner party was in full swing with both wine and conversation flowing freely when the dining room door opened and in walked the six year old daughter of the house. As she stood there in dripping wet pyjamas, she cast an accusing glance at the men around the table. She pointed at each in turn, saying:
    "Either YOU or YOU or YOU left the toilet seat up and I FELL IN!"

DC


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 17 Jun 19 - 09:15 PM

Georgiansilver, that's a bloody cracker. I told it to my 90-year-old mum today and she laughed so much I thought I was going to have to call for a paramedic...


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 18 Jun 19 - 11:23 AM

Thanks Steve Shaw....... Here's another for you to tell your mum.       A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there. "But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked. He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write 'spaghetti' on the back. I'll take care of expenses." Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy. Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and explained, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means." The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you." Later that evening, the doctor came home, read the postcard, fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest. So the wife picked up the card and read, "'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage and meatballs, two without.'"


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 20 Jun 19 - 10:04 AM

A clergyman was pleased to secure a post as vicar to an island parish. It was the ideal rural position, far from the violence and crime surrounding his previous inner-city church. He was a popular preacher and the church was always full, with people from all over the island attending.

One day, however, his faith was shaken when he found that his bike had gone missing from the vicarage garden. With no visitors to the island and the ferry not due until the weekend, it had to be one of the locals. What hypocrites, he thought to himself, sitting there all prim and proper on Sundays while doing the Devil's work during the week.

He decided that, on the coming Sunday, he would base his sermon on the ten commandments. When he got to "Thou shalt not steal", he would stare at each member of the congregation in turn, as if looking into their souls. Even if no-one owned up, he was confident that his bike would reappear in the vicarage garden, no questions asked.

All was going well until he reached "Thou shalt not commit adultery" when he remembered where he had left his bike.

DC


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Roger the Skiffler
Date: 27 Jun 19 - 07:03 AM

A First Nation man married a Chinese-American woman. They were nervous about a cross-cultural wedding but both sets of parents were supportive. The man's parents gave them a voucher for 2 weeks residency every year at the family holiday teepee on Lake Kitchikoomie and the wife's parents gave them a pair of Dogs of Fu. All went well and they were expecting their first child, a boy. The husband said he wanted a traditional name for the boy but nothing common like Crazy Horse or Running Bear and he didn't want to upset his wife's family. "I've got it" he said, "we'll call him "Two Dogs Fu." "Are you crazy?" his wife said...
(wait for it)

..."our surname is King"

(I'll get me coat)

RtS


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: WalkaboutsVerse
Date: 01 Jul 19 - 12:47 PM

No kidology, InternationalJokeDay is trending on Twitter.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 31 Aug 19 - 06:50 AM

Man chatting up young woman who he's just met asks her, what's your name then? Carmen, she sez. That's a nice name, he sez. What does it mean? It means I like cars and I like men, sez she. So what's YOUR name then? Sez he, Beershag...


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 31 Aug 19 - 07:41 AM

A couple going home one night in a car after a dance stop in a country lane for a snog - one thing leads to 'the other', but she hesitates and tells him he'll "have to wear one"
"One what", he asks?
She explains what she means and he looks puzzled saying, "I've never heard of one of those - where can I get one ?"
"As it happens" she says, "I've got one in my handbag"
"What do I do with it" he asks ?
Sighing, she takes it out, holds up her thumb, rolls it into place and tells him "like that" - then she takes it off and hands it to him - "now you do it".
They get down to the business and, after a few minutes she says, "Are you sure you've got it on right - "I'm all wet".
"I think so", he says, holding up his thumb
Jim Carroll


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 31 Aug 19 - 10:47 AM

What's the difference between a Born-Again Christian and The Pope in the bath ?
One has hope in his soul, the other has soap.....
Jim


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 31 Aug 19 - 11:36 AM

Apparently the man who invented predictive text has passed away. His funfair is on Monkey.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 31 Aug 19 - 11:46 AM

From the Tim Vine radio show. If you have groans, prepare to shed them now:

Two tapeworms were chatting inside the intestine of a high-ranking army officer. One said to the other, "You look a bit miserable today. Everything okay?"

"Oh, it's nothing in particular," sighed the other, "just life in general..."


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 31 Aug 19 - 12:24 PM

We live a few miles south of the Burren, in County Clare - this weekend sees the end of the annual Matchmaking Festival at Lisdoonvarna, where elderly farmers used to go to find young wives to be their housekeepers (among other things!)
This is one of the stories connected with the custom (also told in the Appalachians, by the way)

An old bachelor farmer working his farm in one of the most remote areas of the Burren, used to go regularly into Lisdoon to stock up on supplies when they ran out
One Saturday he set out into town on his donkey and cart to stock up for the Autumn, forgetting that the Matchmaking was still in fill spring
Down the long narrow rock road he went until he arrived in the town; he was a little puzzled to see the hundreds of people crowding the streets of the normally quiet towneen
He bought what he needed, carried them out and piled them high onto the back of the cart.
As the poor beast dragged the overloaded cart out of town, the farmer spotted a young one standing on the side of the street looking to be hired for the season - the farmer, remembering what time of year it was,strode over to her and made his bargain - the two walked back to the cart and he lifted up to sit on the pile of goods
They drove along the Ennistymon Road until they came to the farmer's turn-off and began to make their way up the steep, stony track - a half mile into the journey, the donkey stumbled - "That's one" said the farmer - the girl sat there bemused, but said nothing.
A mile further the poor beast stumbled again: "That's two" said the farmer - again, the woman, held her peace.
A mile further the animal stumbled a third time.
"That's three" said the farmer and walked around the back of the cart, scrabbled under the goods and pulled out a large, thick blackthorn stick; walking around to the front, he struck the donkey a mighty blow between the eyes, killing it stone dead
Well - your wan was horrified - she leapt down off the cart and screamed at the man: "Why did you do that - it wan't the poor creature's fault you overloaded the cart - what are we going to do now; we're nowhere near a house, it's getting cold and dark, its beginning to rain and I only have light shoes..... how are we going to get home?
The farmer looked at her coldly and said quietly - "That's one"
Jim Carroll


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 01 Sep 19 - 09:35 PM

I went on the Big Dipper at Blackpool Pleasure Beach. For half the ride I was laughing my head off, but for the other half I was in floods of tears.

It was an emotional roller-coaster...


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 02 Sep 19 - 03:18 AM

Funny girl - we went to bed, I put my p.... in her hand and she said, "I'll put it under the pillow and smoke it in the morning"
Jim Carroll


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 02 Sep 19 - 04:58 AM

Last year, I joined a support group for anti-social people. We haven’t met yet!
I joined a support group for people with memory loss which was supposed to meet at 2pm on Monday. Nobody turned up!!
Went to the Loneliness support group today but no-one else came.
Was going to the Vegan support group today but realised it could be a missed steak.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 02 Sep 19 - 05:15 AM

Was thinking of going to the Hernia Support Group yesterday but I didn't want to be held up.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 02 Sep 19 - 06:11 AM

They have refused to allow the entry of men wearing trusses into taking part in 'Come Dancing' - they said it restricts the ballroom
Jim Carroll


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Dave Hanson
Date: 02 Sep 19 - 07:41 AM

An epitaph from the 18th century, its' called ' On Aberdeen '

Here lies the body of Elizabeth Charlotte,
Born a virgin, died a harlot,
A virgin still a 17,
A remarkable thing for Aberdeen.

Dave H


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 02 Sep 19 - 03:40 PM

Reminded by the greyhound thread - probably told this before but so may jokes - so little time

A gambling addict down to his last few sheckles decides to blow them all on one last race so he sets off for Wimbledon Dog Track
Going through the main gate he is accosted my a man who tells him about this wonderful dog which is guaranteed to win every race it enters - affret listening patently for a few minutes, the gambler is completely sold on the idea the dog cannot possibly lose
"One slight problem" says teh tipster, "The animal is used to clockwise courses and this one is anti-clockwise; but I have no doubt he's fast enough to overcome that"
The punter puts all hsi money on teh dog and stands patently for te race to start.
The rece begins and, before the first bend the dog in gards in front of teh rest of the field, but, when it comes to the turn, the dog goes off to the right instead of the left
Righting itself, the dog gets back on course and quickly overtakes the rest of the field until the same happens at the second bend until the dog sorts itself out again.
This happens throughout the race until, at the finishing post, the dog crosses the finishing line a nose behind the winner
In despair, the punter throws away his ticket and heads towards the gate when he is once more accepted by the tipster who apologises profusely
"No problem" says the punter, these things happen"
You know that fault with your dog can be easily cured" he tells the tipser
"How ?" the man asks anxiously
"You just have to put a little piece of lead in its ear" he is told
"But surely it'll fall out ?"
Not if you put it in properly - try using a ***** gun"
Jim Carroll


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Mrrzy
Date: 02 Sep 19 - 11:11 PM

If you're looking for the Time Travelers Anonymous group, we meet last Thursday.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 04 Sep 19 - 04:20 PM

A wealthy man steps out of his front door just in time to see the painter he had hired putting the finishing touches to his classic car with weatherproof exterior paint
"I said the porch, you stupid bastard, the porch"
Jim Carroll


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Mrrzy
Date: 04 Sep 19 - 10:06 PM

What's that pig doing in the hot, dry desert?

Bakin' [might need American accent]...


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 05 Sep 19 - 03:16 AM

A young French mother was walking her young child though Paris Zoo when they stopped to watch the elephants - one male bull's enormous penis, on-heat and ready for action, was hanging down full length beneath him.
The child pointed and asked "what's that mummy"
Thoroughly embarrassed, the young woman hastily replied, "It's nothing dear".
A passing Frenchman told her, "Madam is blasé".
Jim Carroll


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 05 Sep 19 - 08:44 AM

"I offer my honour, sir knight " said the fair maiden.
"I honour your offer" said the the gallant knight.
And all night long he was ohn her and off her
Jim Carroll


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: saulgoldie
Date: 06 Sep 19 - 08:16 AM

On a tombstone:

Here lies the body of Les Moore.
No les.
No moore.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 06 Sep 19 - 10:10 AM

Paddy Murphy, the Irishman decides that before he gets too old he would like to see some of the world, so he jumps into a rowing boat and rows over to Scotland, then sets off walking through the country, down into England and then through Wales
Pretty soon news of his epic trek is reported in all the newspapers and on the local radio ND his affable, easy going nature makes him friends wherever he goes - he is constantly invited in to people's homes where he is fed and given a bed for the night
Eventually, he crosses into France, then through Germany, Switzerland, and eventually Italy, still making friends and winning hearts everywhere.
He finally decides to end his journey with a visit to the Vatican.
He is standing in St Peter's Square along with the thousands of others hoping to catch a glimpse of the Pope, when the very man he wishes to see comes out into the crowd and begins to bless them
Spotting Paddy, he comes over and says, "I've been reading of your adventures my son - I'm delighted to meet you; tell me, which part of Ireland do you come from?"
"Belfast, you Papish bastard"
Jim Carroll


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Joe_F
Date: 06 Sep 19 - 06:16 PM

"Father, forgive me. I have sinned. I've become a prostitute."
"You've become *what*?"
"A prostitute, father."
"God be praised! I thought at first you said a Protestant."


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 06 Sep 19 - 06:46 PM

I saw six blokes wandering around a cemetery for four hours with a coffin on their shoulders. I thought to myself, these guys have really lost the plot...


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 07 Sep 19 - 02:56 AM

This was told to me as a true story by my father, who was a navvy, very involved in getting the appalling conditions improved on the sites he worked on
When a site was set up, a large hole was dug somewhere, two oil drums were placed on each side and a plank laid across - then a wooden hut would be lowered over it - that constituted the site toilet
My father said he walked into one of these constructions to find one of his mates down in the pit, up to hi knees in the 'mixture' fishing around with his arm buried in it.
He asked, "What the **** are you doing in there Tommy?"
The man replied, "I came in here to do my business, I took my jacket off and hung it over the end of the plank and it fell in - I'm trying to find it".
"You can't wear your jacket after it's been in that stuff", said my dad.
"I know that Jimmy", came the reply, " but my sandwiches are in the pocket"
Jim Carroll


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 08 Sep 19 - 11:29 AM

A young lad is the sole survivor of a shipwreck in the Pacific an is washed up on an idyllic desert island where he finds he is able to survive on fruit and some root vegetables and a spring of fresh water.
Being hardly more than a child, he gradually grows to maturity unrescued lacking only company
As he develops he begins to notice the thing hanging between his legs and begins to experiment to try to find out what it is for - he finds that, if he touches it, it stiffens, so he devises a game, using it to flick stones down the beach as far as he can manage - gradually he increases the distance considerably
One day he is so engrossed in practicing that he doesn't notice the beautiful young girl, another survivor of another shipwreck, satnding watching him curiously
"What are you doing?" she asks.
Getting over his fright, he explains.
"I'm sure we can find something far more interesting to do with that", she says, and, sitting down on the sand beside him she gently pushes him down and, after a little tutoring, they begin making mad, passionate lust.
After a long period, they both sit up gasping for breath.
"There, what did you think of that?" she demands.
"That was amazing," he replies, "but I suppose you know you've ruined my flicker"
Jim Carroll


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Joe_F
Date: 08 Sep 19 - 09:05 PM

A farmer noticed that his cow had turned cross-eyed, and wondered if that meant anything bad. So he called in a veterinarian, who asked for a rubber hose. The farmer brought one, and the vet stuck one end up the cow's ass and blew hard on the other end. Sure enough, the cow's eyes straightened out. The farmer paid the vet and thanked him for showing the cure.
In a week or so, the cow was cross-eyed again. The farmer tried the same treatment, but it didn't work. So he called the vet again, repeated the treatment, and said "Show me what I did wrong". The vet took the hose out and put the other end up the cow's ass. "What good will that do?" "Did you expect me to use the end you had had in your mouth?"


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 09 Sep 19 - 03:18 AM

A policeman walkig his beat comes across two men on the pavement - one lying face down with hi trousers around his ankles the other with his finger up his companion's arse
"What do ui think you're doing?", asks the Bobby
"My mate's had too much to drink and I'm trying to make him sick", came the reply
"You'll never make him sick by putting your finger up his arse" says the Booby
"I will when I put it in his mouth", came the reply

Similar situation - same Bobby
Same two men on the pavement, one flat on his back with his flies open, the other sucking and blowing his mates's penis
In reply to the Booby's question, the man says, "I'm giving him the kiss of life"
""You do that mouth-to-mouth" says the Bobby
"Have you smelt his breath?"
im Carroll


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 13 Sep 19 - 03:28 PM

In a small town in Northern Ireland, close to the border with the Republic, the local traffic policeman has managed to book every Catholic except one - the priest. But he has a plan.

The Catholic church is a the top of a steep hill and the priest's house is a the bottom. Half way up is a set of traffic lights. Each day, the priest struggles up the hill by bike. On the way home, however, he tucks his cassock up and rides down the hill at breakneck speed, peddling for all he's worth. One afternoon, the policeman opens up the control box and sets the traffic lights to manual. As he sees the priest hurtling down the hill, he flicks the lights to stop and gets ready to issue a ticket for running a red light. The priest slams on the brakes and puts both heels on the ground. He comes to a stop just half an inch from the stop line, smoke coming from the brake blocks, his shoes almost worn through. The policeman is amazed and, if truth be told, impressed.

"I don't know how you managed that" said the policeman.

"Ah, God was with me" replied the priest.

"Right, I've got you." said the policeman. "Two on a bike!".


DC


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 14 Sep 19 - 06:08 AM

Again - told as a true family story
When my dad ceased to become a navvy, our house was regularly visited by former workmates seeking his advice on how to improve site conditions
One day a couple of them working on the nearby East Lancashire Road called to ask if he could find them a venue for a meeting
As a devout excommunicated Catholic, he went to the local very approachable priest who gave him permission in the local hall, St Columbas - this was the time when bingo was becoming a popular fundraising event
He returned from the meeting and told the family, "They have a new game over there - the priest stand up and reads numbers and if the people have the same numbers on their cards they win a prize - the bugger reads the numbers out in Irish so the Protestants can't win"
Jim Carroll


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 15 Sep 19 - 04:06 AM

Trump was attending a Royal dinner at Buck House when Madge lets off a skirt-lifter of a fart
A gentleman a few seats down the table stood up hurriedly, apologised profusely and quickly walked out of the room
Trump whispered (loudly) to his neighbour, "What's with him - she dropped it?"
He was told, "On occasions such as this, a gentleman always takes responsibility for such mishaps".
Five minutes later Madge drops another one.
Trump stands up and says, "It's OK ma-am - this one's on me"
Jim Carroll


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 16 Sep 19 - 02:37 PM

Steve Shaw ... on the subject of hernia. A friend of mine had a calculator built into his truss so he could always count on his own support!


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Subject: RE: Joe- bituary for 2019
From: Donuel
Date: 16 Sep 19 - 03:10 PM

Joe Bituary

At first I thought it was Rap.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 16 Sep 19 - 03:14 PM

When I moved to London, John Faulkner and Sandra Kerr took me under their wings and invited me to many of their out of town bookings
To keep ourselves awake we divide a word game by adapting titles of folk songs
For instance - Folk vegetables - The Dowie Dens of Marrow
Or, folk dishes - The Bonny Scouse of Airlie

Your starter for ten....

Back with more tomorrow


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Donuel
Date: 16 Sep 19 - 03:51 PM

Another Joe Bituary


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 17 Sep 19 - 03:11 AM

More
Alan Tyne of Marrow
The Unquiet Gravy
The Grey Coc Au Vin
(Hang Down Your Head) Tandoori

Folk creatures
The False Kite on the Toad
Terrapin Hero
Jim Carroll


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 17 Sep 19 - 04:45 AM

A small sample of altered names when we had a problem finding enough "English" material for a St George's Day gig, as nearly everything thing we did was Irish:

The Fields of Hythe and Rye

Follow Me Up to Harlow

The London Bury Air

I don't think too many people fell for it...


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 17 Sep 19 - 08:49 AM

Peggy Seeger wrote a beautiful song about immigrants - "Hello Friend", the first line of which is;
"Hello Friend, I see you're a stranger"
In the hands of Northern Irelander, Dave Scott it became;
"Hello fiend, I see you're a strangler"

We never sang it to Peggy
Jim Carroll


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 23 Sep 19 - 11:00 AM

Hear about the woman who accidentally sat on some superglue?

Disarsed 'er...


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 24 Sep 19 - 01:14 PM

May as well put this here too

A Sergeant major Major during National Service, reputed for his tactlessness was sent to inform one of his men that his mother had died
He assembled the men on the parade ground, lined them up and roarded - "Jenkins - your mother's dead"
The recruit collapsed with the shock
His superiors got to hear of it, called him in and reprimanded him severely
Not long afterwards he was given the task of informing one of the men that both of his parents had died in a car crash
He assembled the men on the parade ground, lined them up and roared:
"Every man with two parents still living take one step NOW - not so fast Harris"
Jim Carroll


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 25 Sep 19 - 02:33 PM

A man is walking into a pub and has to pass a woman dressed in a Salvation Army uniform who is standing just outside the door.

"Give up the demon drink" she advises him, "It will lead you down the path to damnation".

Instead of ignoring her, he decides to confront her; "How can you say that if you never tried it? Come in with me and I'll buy you a drink. Then you can decide if you still think it's wrong."

"Oh, I couldn't possibly go into a public house" she replied.

"Alright then" he says, "I'll bring a drink out to you."

Realising that he had a valid argument, she reluctantly agrees but adds "As I'm wearing my uniform, do you think I could have it in a paper cup, please?"

He goes into the pub and straight up to the bar to order the drinks. "A pint of bitter please and, I know this might sound unusual, a gin and tonic in a paper cup."

The barman sighs and says "Is that bloody Salvationist outside again?"


DC


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Donuel
Date: 16 Oct 19 - 06:40 PM

What is sis boom bah?

its the sound exploding sheep make


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 16 Oct 19 - 07:09 PM

It's supposed to be a joke thread, Donuel.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Joe_F
Date: 16 Oct 19 - 09:23 PM

"Waiter! Come here and taste this soup."
"Where's the spoon?"
"A-*ha*!"


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Mrrzy
Date: 17 Oct 19 - 09:13 AM

Ooh I used to know an It's the sound of some animal exploding joke but it wasn't that. Maybe it was How do you make a cat go Woof? Gasoline and a match...


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Donuel
Date: 17 Oct 19 - 09:14 AM

Ah I still remember Johnny Carson* as Karnac who was asked what is
sis boom baaaa?


* Beloved American comedian of the Tonight Show and Gate Keeper of 2 generations of new comedians. Millions of Americans went to bed with Johnny every nite.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Donuel
Date: 17 Oct 19 - 10:17 AM

Raw Raw Raw Boom D A

sounds like an exploding sushi bar

now back to our regularly scheduled Benny Hill English sterotyped humour and prat falls.   yakity Sax...
Stay tuned for Mr. Bean goes to India
and the world of cheese with John Cleese at midnight.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Mrrzy
Date: 17 Oct 19 - 03:43 PM

Wait, Johnny Carson has to be explained? Sad.


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