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BS: New joke thread of 2015

Mrrzy 28 Feb 15 - 09:13 PM
John on the Sunset Coast 28 Feb 15 - 10:27 PM
Don Firth 01 Mar 15 - 01:37 AM
Peter the Squeezer 01 Mar 15 - 11:15 AM
Jim Carroll 01 Mar 15 - 11:58 AM
Joe_F 01 Mar 15 - 07:50 PM
Jim Carroll 02 Mar 15 - 04:30 AM
Monique 02 Mar 15 - 05:23 AM
Jim Carroll 02 Mar 15 - 08:13 AM
Jim Carroll 02 Mar 15 - 08:47 AM
Joe_F 02 Mar 15 - 05:55 PM
Jim Carroll 03 Mar 15 - 04:01 AM
GUEST,DrWord 03 Mar 15 - 09:30 PM
Jim Carroll 04 Mar 15 - 03:52 AM
Steve Shaw 04 Mar 15 - 06:03 AM
GUEST,DTM 04 Mar 15 - 08:41 AM
Jim Carroll 04 Mar 15 - 09:19 AM
Jim Carroll 04 Mar 15 - 09:32 AM
Don Firth 04 Mar 15 - 08:51 PM
GUEST,Mrr 04 Mar 15 - 08:55 PM
Don Firth 04 Mar 15 - 09:25 PM
Mrrzy 04 Mar 15 - 11:46 PM
Jim Carroll 05 Mar 15 - 02:59 AM
Joe_F 05 Mar 15 - 06:28 PM
Jim Carroll 06 Mar 15 - 04:49 AM
Jim Carroll 06 Mar 15 - 06:20 AM
Mrrzy 14 Mar 15 - 03:02 PM
Joe_F 14 Mar 15 - 05:26 PM
Gurney 14 Mar 15 - 06:29 PM
GUEST,# 26 Mar 15 - 07:45 AM
Mr Red 27 Mar 15 - 02:46 AM
gnu 06 Apr 15 - 01:00 PM
GUEST,Pete from seven stars link 06 Apr 15 - 05:36 PM
GUEST,# 06 Apr 15 - 07:15 PM
Mrrzy 07 Apr 15 - 01:09 PM
Uncle_DaveO 16 Apr 15 - 01:23 PM
GUEST,# 16 Apr 15 - 02:07 PM
GUEST,# 16 Apr 15 - 02:27 PM
GUEST,Sol 16 Apr 15 - 03:05 PM
Uncle_DaveO 18 Apr 15 - 12:37 PM
Mrrzy 20 Apr 15 - 04:22 PM
GUEST,# 20 Apr 15 - 05:33 PM
GUEST,# 20 Apr 15 - 06:41 PM
Hamish 21 Apr 15 - 11:36 AM
GUEST 22 Apr 15 - 10:11 AM
GUEST,gillymor 22 Apr 15 - 10:14 AM
GUEST,# 23 Apr 15 - 01:55 PM
GUEST,# 29 Apr 15 - 01:22 AM
Don Firth 29 Apr 15 - 01:39 AM
GUEST,Pete from seven stars link 29 Apr 15 - 01:09 PM
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Subject: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Mrrzy
Date: 28 Feb 15 - 09:13 PM

-Mom, why does brother's beak look different?
-I was always afraid you'd ask this... well, don't tell anyone, but your brother is adapted.


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: John on the Sunset Coast
Date: 28 Feb 15 - 10:27 PM

Is that another Darwin joke?

One young ostrich says to its sibling upon seeing the mother get up from sitting on a citrus fruit: Look at the orange mama laid.


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Don Firth
Date: 01 Mar 15 - 01:37 AM

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?

Great food... but no atmosphere.

Don Firth


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Peter the Squeezer
Date: 01 Mar 15 - 11:15 AM

Like the menu in the German restaurant - the wurst is yet to come.


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 01 Mar 15 - 11:58 AM

A sweet little girl lived with her mother next door to a building site and, feeling a bit lonely, she would stand at the wire fence all day watching the men working.
One day, one of them spotted her and brought her on to the site where they found her an old chair so she could sit and watch them work in comfort.
When she came back the following day, they clubbed together, bought her a pink overall, a pink hard-hat, a pink lunchbox with a few sandwiches in it, and a little pink cup which they filled with lemonade.
At the end of the week they handed her a pink pay-packet with a pound note in it as wages.
She ran home and handed it to her mother, who said, "that's nice dear, will you be working there again next week?"
"It depends on whether those pricks at the builders merchants deliver the blocks on time", she replied.
Jim Carroll


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Joe_F
Date: 01 Mar 15 - 07:50 PM

Ah, yes. Another little girl was fascinated by the painters who were redecorating her house. At dinner she used some language she had heard from them, and her mother was scandalized. "Those are not words for a young lady to use. Go out and get a switch." "Fuck you, ma, that's an electrician's job."


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 02 Mar 15 - 04:30 AM

A young man training to be a priest was walking around the grounds of the seminary and, coming to a stile, he climbs, trips and lands face down in the mud.
"oh shit!"
"Oh fuck! I said shit".
"Oh shit, I said fuck!"
"Ah bollocks! I didn't want to be a priest anyway".
Jim Carroll


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Monique
Date: 02 Mar 15 - 05:23 AM

Dawn is getting near. Vampires are back in their crypt. "I haven't had my fill of blood, I must go back" "Don't be a fool, it's too late!" "I'll be quick, just a couples of minutes". A couple of minutes later, he's back, his mouth dripping with blood. "Wow! You were fast! Where did you go?" "See that lamp post over there?" "Yes" "I didn't".


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 02 Mar 15 - 08:13 AM

A visitor being taken around a farm spots a pig with a wooden leg and bursts out laughing.
The farmer turns on him and berates him for mocking the poor animal
"Don't laugh at that pig - it save my life twice. Last year I was coming home having had too much to drink and I fell in the pond - like a shot it jumped in and pulled me out by the collar.
Then a few months later, my tractor overturned in the top field with me under it and that pig ran over, scraped the earth from underneath me and dragged me out - I was in hospital for a month and would have died if it hadn't saved me."
The visitor apologied profusely and asked, " But why has it got a wooden leg?"
"You don't eat an animal like that all in one go!"
Jim Carroll


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 02 Mar 15 - 08:47 AM

While I'm still in a good mood
A younfg man was driving his girl home after a dance when she suggests that they stop somewhere quiet for a while - so he pulls up inside the open gate of a field and they begin kissing and fondling.
After a while he whispers to her, "get in the back" - he replies "no".
They go on doing what they're doing for a while, till he tries again, "get in the back" - same reply, "no".
A third time he tries with the same result, so, in fury and highly frustrated and over-heated, he slams the car into gear and drives her home.
When they arrive at her home, he reaches across and opens the door, still in a fury and she gets out, extremely upset.
"Why didn't you want to get in the back?", he asked, as she walks away.
"I wanted to stay in the front with you", she replied.
Jim Carroll


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Joe_F
Date: 02 Mar 15 - 05:55 PM

Jim Carroll: Perhaps the most amiable of the dirty-word jokes:
A sailor home on leave enlivened the dinner table by asking someone to pass the goddamn butter. He was so embarrassed that he didn't say a word the rest of the meal. Afterward his mother said, "Don't be crushed. We all know how sailors talk." He said, "I know, Ma, it's just that I'm sure the next time I open my mouth, I'll fuck up again."


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 03 Mar 15 - 04:01 AM

We spent time over a couple of years in London with an elderly traditional singer/dancer who had left his home in County Clare in Ireland as a young man and never returned, but he brought away a whole load of stories and songs which he generously allowed us to record, among them being many dozens of rural 'yarns' which were, in fact reduced folk tales.
"An old farmer and his wife living high up on the Burren, a vast isolated limestone area in North Clare, spent their lives living alone, tending their small farm and doing little else other than when, each Friday, the wife would take the ass and cart into the local town of Lisdoonvarna for necessary supplies; other than that, one day was pretty much the same as another.
One morning, quite uncharacteristically, the farmer's wife carefully made herself, combed her hair, put on her best dress and announced she was going into town.
The farmer thought to himself, "it must be an anniversary or something - maybe my luck's in tonight"
So, when she left, he set about cleaning the house from top to bottom, laying the table with the best crockery and cutlery and placing candles all round the kitchen.
He ended by paying especial attention to the bedroom, where he re-made the bed with the freshest linen, plumped up the pillows, went out to the field and picked a Gentian flower and carefully laid it on top of the bed - again he placed candles around the room to produce a romantic atmosphere.
Just as he was finishing, he happened to look under the bed, where he saw a wooden box he had never seen before, which he took out, placed on the bed and opened, inside he found a wad of paper money, on the of which were neatly set two hens eggs.
When she returned home, he confronted her with the box.
She slumped down in a chair, hung her head and confessed, "I have to tell you Mike, I've been unfaithful to you, and every time I was, I went into the yard, took an egg from under the hen and placed it in the box to remind me not to do it again"
He stood stunned for a minute, then he said, "Well, after thirty years marriage, hard work and living up here alone together, I suppose that the two times you have been unfaithful is understandable, but what's all this money, there must be hundreds of pounds?"
"Well", she said, "whenever the eggs got to a dozen, I took them down into town, sold them to the shop and put the money by for our old age"".
Jim Carroll


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: GUEST,DrWord
Date: 03 Mar 15 - 09:30 PM

Jim - Thanks for sharing.

dennis


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 04 Mar 15 - 03:52 AM

You're welcome, plenty more where that came from
From the same source
An old farmer working in his field, jagged his leg on a piece of rusty barbed wire.
He didn't do anything about it and after while it became so painful that he was forced to go to Ennis Hospital - the wound was so bad that they immediately admitted him.
He was told that the leg had become gangrenous and would have to be removed.
After the operation he was visited by his neighbour, who asked how he was.
"Good and bad" he replied.
"How do you mean, good and bad?"
"They operated last night, but they cut the wrong leg off"
"That's terrible."
"Not too bad, the other one's getting better".
Jim Carroll


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 04 Mar 15 - 06:03 AM

Keep ' em coming, Jim. I've had me owld mum in stitches on the other end of the phone three times already!


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: GUEST,DTM
Date: 04 Mar 15 - 08:41 AM

To follow Jim's last joke......

(Similar situation)

"The bad news is, sorry, we've cut of the wrong leg".
"But the good news is the guy in the next bed wants to buy your slippers".


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 04 Mar 15 - 09:19 AM

Listoonvana, in North Clare, on the edge of the Burren, holds an annual Matchmaking festival, where elderly farmers come in looking for wives - all good fun nowadays, but at one time, an essential part of rural life here.
One elderly farmer used to come in regularly on his ass and cart for supplies - he lived in a particularly isolated spot along one of the 'Green (undeveloped) roads
On morning, he rode to the town to pick up his necessities, forgetting it was 'Matchmaking day'
He did all his shopping, loaded it up onto the cart, and, as an afterthought, he stopped to 'make a match' with a 'young one' who was standing at the side of the road 'looking for a man'.
They quickly made their bargain and he sits her up on the back of the cart among the flour and potatoes and all the other groceries.
Eventually, they turn off the main road and onto the'Green' road up to his farm.
They hadn't gone half a mile when the poor animal stumbles.
"That's one", says the farmer.
Another mile and the ass stumbles again.
"That's two", he says.
A few miles later the poor beats stumbles again.
That's three" he says, and turning around, he takes an ash plant (club), he walks around to te front of the animal and strikes it a might blow between the eyes, killing it stone dead.
Well - the young one leaps off the cart and lets fly with a mouthful of verbal abuse;
"What did you do that for - the poor animal didn't deserve that - you loaded the cart up far too heavy for a beast that old to manage, and anyway, what are we going to do now - it's getting dark and it looks like its coming on to rain and there's no sign of a house in sight........"
"That's one".
Jim Carroll


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 04 Mar 15 - 09:32 AM

Then there's the story of a young couple cycling along a road in Kirkby (Liverpool - where I was brought up) on a tandem, when a dog ran out of a block of flats and threw a bucket of water over them
Jim Carroll


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Don Firth
Date: 04 Mar 15 - 08:51 PM

It was the custom among women of a particular tribe of North American plains Indians that when a pregnant woman's time was due, she would take the skin of large animal, go out into the wilderness, lie down on the skin, and give birth to a new member of the tribe.

On this occasion, in the fullness of time, three women came due at the same time, so the three of them trekked out into the wilderness to have their babies.

One lay down on a buffalo skin, one lay down on a bear skin, and on lay down on a hippopotamus hide.

The one on the buffalo skin gave birth to a baby boy. The one on the bear skin gave birth to a baby girl. The one on the hippopotamus hide gave birth to twins, a boy and a girl.

This proves the Pythagorean theorem that "the squaw on the hippopotamus is equal to the squaws on the other two hides…."

Don Firth


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: GUEST,Mrr
Date: 04 Mar 15 - 08:55 PM

The squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the SONS of the squaws of the other 2 hides. Get your math right!


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Don Firth
Date: 04 Mar 15 - 09:25 PM

Mrr, nobody likes a smartass.

Don Firth


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Mrrzy
Date: 04 Mar 15 - 11:46 PM

Pedant, pedant (to the Pink Panther tune)


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 05 Mar 15 - 02:59 AM

A couple getting on in years went to the hospital to have their 12th child delivered.
The doctor took the woman aside and said, "Look Mary, you are getting on in years and if you have any more children it will be a serious risk to your health"
"I realise that doctor", she replied, "but the problem is that I'm getting very hard of hearing".
"How do you mean?" he asked.
"Well, when we go to bed at night, he's got into the habit of saying, ""Shall we go to sleep, or what"", I always say ""What?""
Jim Carroll


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Joe_F
Date: 05 Mar 15 - 06:28 PM

TB or not TB, that is the question. Consumption be done about it? Of coughs, of coughs, but not for a lung, lung time.


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 06 Mar 15 - 04:49 AM

Or
I used to be a werewolf, but I'm alright nooooooooooow
or did you here about the leper playing poker and threw his hand in?

Oh dear - said I wasn't going to do this
Jim Carroll


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 06 Mar 15 - 06:20 AM

A stranger walks into a large village pub and finds the public bar totally empty, but for the noises coming from behind the counter.
He peeps over and finds a barman and a barmaid having it off on the floor.
A little frustrated, he goes into the lounge, again to find it empty except for a barman and a lady customer making 'the beast with two backs' on one of the long seats.
He storms out into the street, only to find two dogs on the pavement, stuck together after a heavy bout of 'the other'
He scoops them up in his arms, walks back into the pub, plonks them down in the bar and calls out, "Eh mate, your sign's fallen down".
Jim Carroll


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Mrrzy
Date: 14 Mar 15 - 03:02 PM

Old: one man's Mede is another man's Persian.
New: one man's fish is another man's poisson.


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Joe_F
Date: 14 Mar 15 - 05:26 PM

What happens if you don't pay your exorcist's bill?
You get repossessed.


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Gurney
Date: 14 Mar 15 - 06:29 PM

Years ago I used to visit a site just called 'Ass.'
I couldn't read most of it as they used a cyrillic alphabet, but they had an English-language joke page that was hilarious, possibly because they were translated local jokes and not published elsewhere, so I'd never heard them before.
I'd like to find it again, if it still exists.
I've heard most of the jokes coming up here, or variations thereof, after liking jokes for about 65 years.
I just skimmed through everything that came up when I searched for ass.
If anyone knows the site, or a search engine that might help, please tell me.


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: GUEST,#
Date: 26 Mar 15 - 07:45 AM

Rec'd from a friend via email.

'You just have to love little Thelma

Little Thelma comes home from first grade and tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day. And, "Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," she asks, "Will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?"

Thelma's father thinks a bit then says "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?"

"The Isis group," she says.

"Why them," her father asks in shock?

"Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give them a valentine, they might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and then they sent valentines to them, they'd love everyone a lot. And then they'd start going all over the place telling everyone how much they loved them and how they didn't hate anyone anymore."

Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with newfound pride. "Thelma, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."

"I know," Thelma says, "and once that gets them out in the open, the Marines could blow the shit out of them." '


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Mr Red
Date: 27 Mar 15 - 02:46 AM

Gurney
don't think this is the website you thought of but it serve a similar purpose. lonweb.org

Rabinovich fills out a job application form. The official is skeptical: "You stated that you don't have any relatives abroad, but you do have a brother in Israel." / "Yes, but he isn't abroad, I am abroad!"

Since the election of Vladimir Putin, all jokes about Vovochka shall be considered political. "Vovochka" is a diminutive form of Vladimir, creating the "little Johnny" effect

The teacher asks the class to produce a word that starts with the letter "A"; Vovochka happily raises his hand and says "Asshole!" The teacher, shocked, responds "For shame! There's no such word!" "That's strange," says Vovochka, "the asshole exists, but the word doesn't!"


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: gnu
Date: 06 Apr 15 - 01:00 PM

And old geezer, who had been a retired farmer for a long time, became2015-04-06_0752
very bored and decided to open a medical clinic. He put a sign up outside that
said: "Get your treatment for $500, if not cured get back $1,000."

Doctor "Young," who was positive that this old geezer didn't know
beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000.
So he went to Dr. Geezer's clinic.

This is what transpired.

Dr. Young: — "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth." can you please help me ??
Dr. Geezer: — "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth."

Dr. Young: — Aaagh !! — "This is Gasoline!"

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."

Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.

Dr Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."

Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."

Doctor Young: "Oh no you don't, — that is Gasoline!"

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."

Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.

Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak — I can hardly see !!!!

Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so — " Here's your $1000 back."

Dr. Young: "But this is only $500…"

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500."

Moral of story — Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you can outsmart an old "Geezer " !!!!


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: GUEST,Pete from seven stars link
Date: 06 Apr 15 - 05:36 PM

Good one gnu, made me laugh.


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: GUEST,#
Date: 06 Apr 15 - 07:15 PM

Just in from a friend on email.

A teenager says, "Grandma, have you seen my pill container? It's labelled L.S.D."

Grandma replied, "Forget that. Have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?"


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Mrrzy
Date: 07 Apr 15 - 01:09 PM

Dr. to old patient, I have good news and bad news. Patient: What's the good news? Dr: You have Alzheimers. Patient (screams) what's the bad news? Dr: You have AIDS. Patient, relieved: Well, at least I don't have Alzheimers.


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 16 Apr 15 - 01:23 PM

This may be a duplication, but here it is:

"Henpecked?"

Up in Heaven there were two lines: One with a sign that
says, "If you were Henpecked, line up here", the other
saying, "If you weren't henpecked, stand here."

One day St. Peter was looking at the new arrivals, and
he saw the "Henpecked" line going on forever, while the
"Non-henpecked" line only had one guy standing in it.

St. Peter walked up to him and said, "You mean to tell me
you were never henpecked in your whole life?"

The guy said, "Well I guess not; this is where my wife told
me to stand."

and an Oldie but a Goldie:

"Do You Have Control?"

There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them were talking
about the amount of control they have over their wives, while
the third remained quiet.

After a while one of the first two turned to the third and
said, "Well, what about you? What sort of control do
you have over your wife?"

The third fellow said, "I'll tell you. Just the other night
my wife came to me on her hands and knees."

The first two guys were amazed. "Wow! What
happened then?" they asked.

The third man took a healthy swallow of his beer, sighed and uttered,
"She said, 'Get out from under the bed and fight like a man.'"


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: GUEST,#
Date: 16 Apr 15 - 02:07 PM

A grandmother was minding her teenage grandson. He walked over to her and said, "Gran, have you seen my 'medication' container? It has LSD written on it." The gran replied, "Forget that. Have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?"


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: GUEST,#
Date: 16 Apr 15 - 02:27 PM

Dang. Old age, aluminium and lack of omega 3 fatty acids Sorry 'bout that.


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: GUEST,Sol
Date: 16 Apr 15 - 03:05 PM

^
      ^
      ^
Anybody on her from Bletchley Park?


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 18 Apr 15 - 12:37 PM

Father and Son Relationship

I was reading an article last night about fathers and sons, and memories came flooding back of the time I took my son out for his first drink.

Off we went to our local bar, which is only two blocks from the house.
I got him a Guinness. He didn't like it – so I drank it.

Then I got him a Samuel Adams, he didn't like it either, so I drank it.

It was the same with the Coors and the Bud.

By the time we got down to the John Jameson Dublin Irish whiskey,
I could hardly push the stroller back home.


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Mrrzy
Date: 20 Apr 15 - 04:22 PM

The urge to sing The Lion Sleeps Tonight is never more than a whim away, a whim away...

(ducking and running for cover)


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: GUEST,#
Date: 20 Apr 15 - 05:33 PM

You hear about the guy with a premature ejaculation problem? He came out of nowhere.


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: GUEST,#
Date: 20 Apr 15 - 06:41 PM

I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Hamish
Date: 21 Apr 15 - 11:36 AM

People in Dubai don't like The Flintstones. But those in Abu Dhabi do.


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: GUEST
Date: 22 Apr 15 - 10:11 AM

Probably all of us can understand this frustration!


Please enter your new password:

"cabbage"

Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.

"boiled cabbage"

Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character.

"1 boiled cabbage"

Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces.

"50bloodyboiledcabbages"

Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character.

"50BLOODYboiledcabbages"

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"50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourArse,IfYouDon'tGiveMeAccessnow"

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"ReallyPissedOff50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourArseIfYouDontGiveMeAccessnow"

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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: GUEST,gillymor
Date: 22 Apr 15 - 10:14 AM

LOL


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: GUEST,#
Date: 23 Apr 15 - 01:55 PM

"Not Much Assurance About Insurance
CALL CENTER | KANSAS CITY, KS, USA | CRAZY REQUESTS, EXTRA STUPID, TRANSPORTATION

(I work for a call center for a nationally known insurance company handling investigations for claims filed on policies that are no longer active.)

Me: "Hello, I'm calling from [Company] regarding the claim you filed for your auto accident. Am I speaking to [Customer]?"

Customer: "Yes."

Me: "Good afternoon, I was calling to discuss your policy with you. Your claim was filed for an accident that happened yesterday, however it looks like your policy with us ended last year."

Customer: "What do you mean, it ended? I thought I had insurance with you guys!"

Me: "Well, according to our records, your policy expired in June of last year and you never sent in a payment to restart your policy when we sent you our offer to renew."

Customer: "So?"

Me: "Since you didn't ever send in a payment, then your policy wouldn't restart."

Customer: "What do you mean? I never knew I had to send in a payment!"

Me: "Well, let me check on something. Is your address [address on file]?"

Customer: "Yes."

Me: "Was that your address last year as well?"

Customer: "Yes."

Me: "I am showing that we sent the offer to that address. Do you recall if you received anything from us?"

Customer: "Yeah, I used to get things from you guys all the time, but then they just stopped."

Me: "Well, did you read any of them?"

Customer: "No! Why would I read your junk mail? I'm already a customer!"

Me: "That wasn't junk mail! That was your policy paperwork and your bill."

Customer: "How was I supposed to know that?"

Me: "The envelope says on the outside that there is important information inside pertaining to your policy and even says on the back to not discard the letter until you've read it."

Customer: "I don't pay attention to any of that; it's all junk mail. You're just trying to get me to buy new things!"

Me: "In this case, we were trying to prevent your policy from ending."

Customer: "Why didn't you say something to me?"

Me: "We did! In fact, we send the first notice two months out to give you a warning that the policy is going to end soon, then another one a month out giving you a 30 day notice…Then we sent one after it ended to remind you to purchase new insurance or to contact us to restart your policy with us. I also show that your agent called you twice before it ended to see if you wanted to come by his office to pay it."

Customer: "Well, I never got any of them!"

Me: "You just told me that you had, but you didn't read them."

Customer: "I didn't! So, I never got them, because I didn't know that's what they were!"

Me: "I'm sorry… but you're saying that because you threw away our letters reminding you to pay that it means you never got them?"

Customer: "Exactly! I shouldn't have to read mail from you guys. You should just tell me when I need to pay something!"

Me: "We did… like I said, your agent also called you. Did you get his calls?"

Customer: "I was busy, so I never called him back."

Me: "And this was all a year and a half ago. Your insurance card says that the policy period would end."

Customer: "I thought it was just old, but that you'd send me a new one."

Me: "If you don't open our mail, how would we send you a new one?"

Customer: "By CALLING me first and telling me you were sending it."

Me: "But you hadn't paid, and you weren't returning the agent's calls!"

Customer: "So? It's not my fault that you guys don't know how to get it to me!"

Me: "I'm sorry, sir, but we're not going to be able to cover this. You haven't had insurance with us for almost a year and a half. You've confirmed that you got our mail, you got the agent's calls, and you never responded. You've not been paying insurance with us."

Customer: "And?"

Me: "So, we're going to be denying this. I suggest you contact your agent if you want to restart your policy, but we cannot do anything for this accident."

Customer: "So what about my car? Can I get it fixed now?"

(Face to desk.)"

from

http://notalwaysright.com/


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: GUEST,#
Date: 29 Apr 15 - 01:22 AM

Saw this one on FB.


After Monday and Tuesday, even the calendar says W T F.


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Don Firth
Date: 29 Apr 15 - 01:39 AM

Seen scrawled on a wall in the men's room of a tavern back sometime in the '60s:

"In case of nuclear attack,
dive under the urinal.
It hasn't been hit yet!"

Don Firth


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: GUEST,Pete from seven stars link
Date: 29 Apr 15 - 01:09 PM

Nice one don.   Reminds me of signs I used to see in cafés.   ....if the floor is full, please do not hesitate to use the ash tray...


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