BS: Rapture revoked! (?) Dog returns.

Subject: BS: My dog got raptured!!!!!!!!!!!
From: Little Hawk
Date: 21 May 11 - 07:58 PM

Okay, here it is an hour and 43 minutes past official Rapture time here in Orillia, Ontario, Canada and nothing has changed except this:

My Dachshund ascended heavenward at about 10 seconds after 6 PM.

The Dachshund and I had been keeping careful vigil for several hours and were becoming more and more tense as the prophesied hour arrived. Well, I was, anyway...the Dachshund was simply attending to a bothersome itch and seemed quite like himself, when suddenly....

I heard the strains of beautiful heavenly music, looked up, and beheld a group of shining Angels descending toward us! I was transfixed. The dog leaped up with all his hair standing on end and his little buggy eyes popping nearly out of their sockets and starting barking furiously and rushing around in circles. Before you could say "Jack Robinson", an Angel had picked him up in its celestial arms! As I watched in awe and wonder, the group of Angels, all singing rapturously, carried the struggling dog heavenward...evidently much to his distress...as he carried on barking and snarling and attempting to bite the Angelic hands that held him. He is very afraid of heights, distrusts strangers, and was clearly not happy about the situation.

His struggles were to no avail, however. They carried him off into the distance and his frantic barking finally faded beyond hearing.

So he got Raptured and I didn't. Nor has anyone else around here as far as I know.

This has got me mighty puzzled, because my Dachshund is not of particularly good character. He is a shameless thief who has committed a vast number of criminal offences in his lifetime. He robs food, knocks over garbage cans, and pees on the rug. He displays contempt for the wishes of others and strictly looks out for "number 1". He envisions becoming master of the World and lording it over all other incarnated beings. He is arrogant, greedy, lazy, selfish, and vain.

How does all this jibe with being acceptable to Heaven?

I can't figure it out, and frankly I think they've made some kind of procedural mistake "upstairs".

Subject: RE: BS: My dog got raptured!!!!!!!!!!!
From: Mrrzy
Date: 21 May 11 - 08:04 PM

I apparently slept through it. Is this heaven or hell?

Subject: RE: BS: My dog got raptured!!!!!!!!!!!
From: Little Hawk
Date: 21 May 11 - 08:14 PM

I think for you and me it's just the same old scene, Mrzzy, but what about my Dachshund? Has he accepted his new reality now? Is he looking for ways to commit petty larceny in Heaven and playing the "cuteness" factor for all it's worth?

Subject: RE: BS: My dog got raptured!!!!!!!!!!!
From: Joe Offer
Date: 21 May 11 - 08:44 PM

I think we have to wait until October, Mrr.....or 2012....or whenever.

-Joe-

Subject: RE: BS: My dog got raptured!!!!!!!!!!!
From: ranger1
Date: 21 May 11 - 09:21 PM

Poor weiner dog! Raptured against his will.

Subject: RE: BS: My dog got raptured!!!!!!!!!!!
From: frogprince
Date: 21 May 11 - 09:24 PM

Sometimes you just read the thread title, and you have no doubt at all who wrote it...

Subject: RE: BS: My dog got raptured!!!!!!!!!!!
From: Bobert
Date: 21 May 11 - 09:34 PM

Well, at least someone, ahhhhhh, some-whatever, made it...

Whew!!!

Earth didn't get blanked!!!

B~

Subject: RE: BS: My dog got raptured!!!!!!!!!!!
From: Jeri
Date: 21 May 11 - 09:42 PM

Have we all made sure nobody is missing? We should have all had "buddies". Why do I always think of these things too late?

Subject: RE: BS: My dog got raptured!!!!!!!!!!!
From: Bobert
Date: 21 May 11 - 09:47 PM

Exactly, Jeri...

I ain't seen "M.G."... Maybe he got called up to the majors???

B~

Subject: RE: BS: My dog got raptured!!!!!!!!!!!
From: Amergin
Date: 21 May 11 - 10:05 PM

With any dachshund it would be the Rapture of Red Chief all over again....

Subject: RE: BS: My dog got raptured!!!!!!!!!!!
From: gnu
Date: 21 May 11 - 10:14 PM

Bobert... M.G. went to hell in a hand basket long ago. I hope he's warm and snuggled in for a LONG STAY.

Subject: RE: BS: My dog got raptured!!!!!!!!!!!
From: Rapparee
Date: 21 May 11 - 10:17 PM

Actually, everything that was predicted happened. We just won't know about it for some time yet.

Subject: RE: BS: My dog got raptured!!!!!!!!!!!
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 21 May 11 - 11:13 PM

They weren't angels, Little Hawk, and the dog wasn't raptured. They were workers for Animal Control. They were responding to a call about a drunken chimpanzee making obscene gestures and flinging feces at passing motorists. Unfortunately, the guys who responded are second cousins of Shane McBride and they inherited the same fuckup gene. Just take 'em a 12-pack and tell 'em you'll trade it for you dog. The little wiener dog will be home by midnight.

Subject: RE: BS: My dog got raptured!!!!!!!!!!!
From: Amos
Date: 21 May 11 - 11:14 PM

Strange stuff, Hawk. Mebbe he said the Pater Noster at just the right time?

Subject: RE: BS: My dog got raptured!!!!!!!!!!!
From: Ebbie
Date: 21 May 11 - 11:22 PM

Our handyman at this building reported today that 'nobody is answering their phones today'. When I suggested they had all been 'raptured', for a moment he looked startled.

Subject: RE: BS: My dog got raptured!!!!!!!!!!!
From: GUEST,leeneia
Date: 22 May 11 - 12:46 AM

"The Rapture of Red Chief."

Good one, Amergin.

Subject: RE: BS: My dog got raptured!!!!!!!!!!!
From: GUEST,leeneia
Date: 22 May 11 - 12:48 AM

AMergin has me thinking along the lines of kidnappers.

What do you have that heaven doesn't, Little Hawk?

Are those angels after Tim Horton doughnuts? Have you a particularly good local beer?

Keep the phone lines open.

Subject: RE: BS: My dog got raptured!!!!!!!!!!!
From: Little Hawk
Date: 22 May 11 - 01:34 AM

(sigh) It's 1:26 AM here and I have just gotten back out of bed. I couldn't sleep. It's lonely here without my little wiener dog around! I sure hope he's doing okay in Heaven and hasn't peed on the celestial rug or bitten the hand that feeds him.

I went to Tim Horton's yesterday, by the way, and the parking lot there was more crowded than I've ever seen it before. It was a madhouse. I think everyone must have been out trying to get a last Tim's coffee and donut before "The End". Their corporate profit line is going to show a spike for late May/11. They should send Harold Camping a gift certificate or something.

Subject: RE: BS: My dog got raptured!!!!!!!!!!!
From: Ebbie
Date: 22 May 11 - 02:14 AM

May I say, Little Hawk, that if your little wiener really has departed you might have put a better spin on it. It could have been a happy story.

Commiserations in any case.

Subject: RE: BS: My dog got raptured!!!!!!!!!!!
From: Little Hawk
Date: 22 May 11 - 03:22 AM

It may be a happy story from his point of view, Ebbie. What he would want out of heaven is unlimited food, lots of vile smelly stuff to roll in, universal admiration, and access to hundreds of (canine) virgins.

We can only hope that his demands are met. If not, there will be trouble.

Subject: RE: BS: My dog got raptured!!!!!!!!!!!
From: Musket
Date: 22 May 11 - 06:49 AM

My dog has no balls, being a jaffa and all that.

yet amazingly, he has started to lick where they used to be!

He must have been raptured (and got his balls back) and then God found out he fell in the pond the other day after I told him to stop drinking from it, and God agreed with me that he is a naughty greyhound and so forfeits his right to be raptured.

Still, think of the saving in dog food if God had used his infinite wisdom and forgave him?

Sorry to hear about your dog. After a short time, get another. They are an addictive drug, but the only way to get over a dog is to get another.

Subject: BS: Rapture revoked! (?) Dog returns.
From: Little Hawk
Date: 22 May 11 - 10:38 AM

I was awakened early this morning by a loud clap of thunder. I looked outside. No sign of rain. Then I heard a familiar and imperious barking at the back door. It was my Dachshund, returned from the heavenly regions by some mysterious process. When I opened the door he greeted me in that typical mad reuniting frenzy that dogs go into when they haven't seen you in an eternity (meaning anywhere from 5 minutes to 5 years). After the happy reunion he rushed to the kitchen, drank ravenously from his water dish and demanded food. They must be short on rations in Heaven, I guess. He seemed to be famished and appeared to have lost a few pounds overnight. He's looking much more svelte than when I last saw him being hoisted heavenward by Guardian Angels.

It seems that his Rapture has been revoked. I can't say I'm entirely surprised, given the fact that he's never shown any respect for the Gospels nor been inclined to turn the other cheek.

So...things are getting back to abnormal around here, and we can relax and enjoy our Sunday. Too bad we can't say the same about Harold Camping. I think he must be under a bit of pressure at the moment from disgruntled affiliate members.

Subject: RE: BS: Rapture revoked! (?) Dog returns.
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 22 May 11 - 10:45 AM

That's funny - if my dogs went anywhere overnight, they seem to have also been ejected from that ethereal domain. They were there at the back door this morning. Probably had something to do with chasing the wildlife up there. I did catch a whiff of skunk smell in the yard.

SRS

Subject: RE: BS: Rapture revoked! (?) Dog returns.
From: Charley Noble
Date: 22 May 11 - 11:11 AM

LH-

Your dog's rapture was not revoked.

It was curtailed!

Cheerily,
Charley Noble

Subject: RE: BS: Rapture revoked! (?) Dog returns.
From: artbrooks
Date: 22 May 11 - 11:13 AM

I cannot believe that anyone here would harbor a cur.

Subject: RE: BS: Rapture revoked! (?) Dog returns.
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 22 May 11 - 11:14 AM

There's no shortage of food in heaven. Your dog's just manna intolerant

Subject: RE: BS: Rapture revoked! (?) Dog returns.
From: Stringsinger
Date: 22 May 11 - 12:16 PM

Originally from the Calvinist Doctrine by John Nelsen Darby, a Dispensationalist:

Wiki:
"As there was no Christian teaching of a "rapture" before Darby began preaching about it in the 1830s, he is sometimes credited with originating the "secret rapture" theory wherein Christ will suddenly remove His bride, the Church, from this world before the judgments of the tribulation. Dispensationalist beliefs about the fate of the Jews and the re-establishment of the Kingdom of Israel put dispensationalists at the forefront of Christian Zionism, because "God is able to graft them in again," and they believe that in His grace he will do so according to their understanding of Old Testament prophecy. They believe that, while the ways of God may change, His purposes to bless Israel will never be forgotten, just as He has shown unmerited favour to the Church, He will do so to a remnant of Israel to fulfill all the promises made to the genetic seed of Abraham."

So, don't worry everyone. The world isn't coming to an end. Unless it happens in the Middle East first. (I think I'm kidding)...............

Subject: RE: BS: Rapture revoked! (?) Dog returns.
From: Charley Noble
Date: 22 May 11 - 12:17 PM

Bee-dubya-ell-

"Your dog's just manna intolerant"

Are you suggesting that LH's dog was not an epicur?

Cheerily,
Charley Noble

Subject: RE: BS: Rapture revoked! (?) Dog returns.
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 22 May 11 - 01:35 PM

Not only is he not an epicur, he's not a grrrrmet.

Subject: RE: BS: Rapture revoked! (?) Dog returns.
From: Bill D
Date: 22 May 11 - 01:40 PM

They could at least have returned an Afghan, or a St. Bernard....(something that can climb stairs under ALL circumstances)

Subject: RE: BS: Rapture revoked! (?) Dog returns.
From: gnu
Date: 22 May 11 - 03:02 PM

Would that be an ATD Bill?

Subject: RE: BS: Rapture revoked! (?) Dog returns.
From: GUEST,Eliza
Date: 22 May 11 - 04:29 PM

Well, Smokey my Siamese cat, stayed out all night although he's not normally allowed to. Maybe he was hoping to be Raptured. But he obviously failed the test, as he's back today. The other two, Minty and Murphy, didn't go anywhere. I'm glad, as I adore all three, and would rather we all went together when the time comes for Rapturing! My husband the African muslim, doesn't believe in any of this stuff. He also doesn't subscribe to the fundamentalist ideas about hordes of tasty virgins awaiting the blessed up there. Who knows when or how we'll go. Meanwhile, let's all have a nice time!

Subject: RE: BS: Rapture revoked! (?) Dog returns.
From: Amergin
Date: 22 May 11 - 04:51 PM

LH, they probably kicked him out because he ate all their food.

Subject: RE: BS: Rapture revoked! (?) Dog returns.
From: Little Hawk
Date: 22 May 11 - 05:45 PM

That is a distinct possibility.

Subject: RE: BS: Rapture revoked! (?) Dog returns.
From: Rapparee
Date: 22 May 11 - 06:35 PM

Probably met Gluon and learned to hump the cushions on the Celestial Throne.

Subject: RE: BS: Rapture revoked! (?) Dog returns.
From: Bobert
Date: 22 May 11 - 08:04 PM

I told you that St Peter wasn't going to buy that "Well, I only pee'd on Little Hawk's couch once" story...

B~

Subject: RE: BS: Rapture revoked! (?) Dog returns.
From: GUEST,Eliza
Date: 23 May 11 - 04:52 AM

No, Little Hawk, I think the Almighty, in His infinite kindness, knew how lost you'd be without your little Dachsie and sent him back pronto.

Subject: RE: BS: Rapture revoked! (?) Dog returns.
From: Charley Noble
Date: 23 May 11 - 08:46 AM

LH-

As far as I'm concerned it's never too early for more "hair of the dog."

Better late than never!

Cheerily,
Charley Noble

Subject: RE: BS: Rapture revoked! (?) Dog returns.
From: GUEST,Patsy
Date: 23 May 11 - 10:56 AM

Mind you it was going to be true for some people/animals on this planet. The Pilot whales around Scotland's shore have been having their own Rapture experience.

Subject: RE: BS: Rapture revoked! (?) Dog returns.
From: DrugCrazed
Date: 23 May 11 - 11:40 AM

To steal a joke from last night

"That's odd, I haven't seen any of my muslim friends recently..."

Subject: RE: BS: Rapture revoked! (?) Dog returns.
From: JennieG
Date: 23 May 11 - 10:13 PM

Glad to hear that, L.H......you have no idea how worried I was to think of you there in the Canadian wilderness, alone and friendless without your little doggie.......

Cheers
JennieG

Subject: RE: BS: Rapture revoked! (?) Dog returns.
From: GUEST,Jonathan Berman
Date: 28 Jun 11 - 08:46 AM

Charley, I saw you posted the lyrics to Princes of the Skies at one time.

I knew a guy in Mountain View, Ca at a coffee house who would perform the song on guitar around 1991, and I've looked for the song ever since, but it is strangely unavailable...

Do you know where one can find a copy of this song?

Feel free to email me at [e-mail]

THANKS

Subject: RE: BS: Rapture revoked! (?) Dog returns.
From: Little Hawk
Date: 28 Jun 11 - 09:58 AM

Arf!