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BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011

Wilfried Schaum 04 Jul 11 - 05:13 AM
Uncle_DaveO 03 Jul 11 - 12:54 PM
Uncle_DaveO 30 Jun 11 - 09:56 AM
Mrrzy 29 Jun 11 - 09:51 PM
Uncle_DaveO 29 Jun 11 - 04:36 PM
frogprince 29 Jun 11 - 11:43 AM
Michael 29 Jun 11 - 08:06 AM
DrugCrazed 29 Jun 11 - 04:37 AM
MGM·Lion 29 Jun 11 - 03:28 AM
Uncle_DaveO 28 Jun 11 - 10:08 AM
GUEST,DaveA 27 Jun 11 - 03:49 AM
Uncle_DaveO 26 Jun 11 - 09:25 PM
GUEST,Pseudolus at work 24 Jun 11 - 02:18 PM
MGM·Lion 22 Jun 11 - 04:00 PM
Uncle_DaveO 22 Jun 11 - 09:13 AM
Wilfried Schaum 21 Jun 11 - 10:19 AM
Uncle_DaveO 15 Jun 11 - 06:49 PM
frogprince 09 Jun 11 - 10:55 AM
Uncle_DaveO 09 Jun 11 - 09:28 AM
Donuel 08 Jun 11 - 03:20 PM
John MacKenzie 08 Jun 11 - 02:35 PM
Uncle_DaveO 08 Jun 11 - 08:56 AM
Uncle_DaveO 28 May 11 - 11:46 AM
Donuel 26 May 11 - 02:25 PM
MGM·Lion 26 May 11 - 04:42 AM
GUEST,Jim Dixon, at the Burnett County WI library 25 May 11 - 03:40 PM
GUEST,Jim Dixon, at the Burnett County WI library 25 May 11 - 03:15 PM
MGM·Lion 25 May 11 - 01:43 PM
Mrrzy 25 May 11 - 11:45 AM
Mrrzy 24 May 11 - 01:43 PM
Wilfried Schaum 24 May 11 - 06:35 AM
Wilfried Schaum 24 May 11 - 06:24 AM
Wilfried Schaum 24 May 11 - 06:22 AM
Bill D 23 May 11 - 10:22 PM
Mrrzy 23 May 11 - 12:58 PM
autolycus 23 May 11 - 06:14 AM
paul vaughan 20 May 11 - 03:57 PM
Peter the Squeezer 20 May 11 - 01:43 PM
Peter the Squeezer 20 May 11 - 01:35 PM
breezy 15 May 11 - 09:35 AM
MGM·Lion 15 May 11 - 02:36 AM
frogprince 14 May 11 - 09:17 PM
Uncle_DaveO 14 May 11 - 07:53 PM
Uncle_DaveO 13 May 11 - 09:58 AM
Uncle_DaveO 11 May 11 - 05:55 PM
GUEST,999--rec'd from a friend 09 May 11 - 03:10 PM
Jim Dixon 09 May 11 - 10:14 AM
DMcG 08 May 11 - 02:43 AM
Uncle_DaveO 07 May 11 - 09:30 PM
Wesley S 05 May 11 - 03:56 PM
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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Wilfried Schaum
Date: 04 Jul 11 - 05:13 AM

To 2nd joke thread of 2011

Hey, I'm good! Didn't forget my basic html class. Wilfried


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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 03 Jul 11 - 12:54 PM

Time to shift to "2nd Joke Thread of 2011". Let's put
the new ones there.


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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 30 Jun 11 - 09:56 AM

I was out walking with my Grandson. He picked up something off the ground and started to put it in his mouth. I took the item away from him and I asked him not to do that.

"Why" my Grandson asked.

"Because it's been on the ground; you don't know where it's been, it's dirty, and probably has germs, and sometimes germs make little boys sick and not feel good" I replied.

At this point, my Grandson looked at me with total admiration and asked, "Grandma, how do you know all this stuff? You are so smart."

I was thinking quickly and said to him. "All Grandmas know stuff. It's on the Grandma Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Grandma."

We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but he was evidently pondering this new information.

"Oh....I get it!" he beamed. "So if you don't pass the test you have to be the Grandpa."

"Exactly," I replied with a big smile on my face.

When you're finished laughing, send this to another Grandma!!


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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Mrrzy
Date: 29 Jun 11 - 09:51 PM

So the hunters are strolling through a clearing when they find a large hole. Curious to find out how deep it is, they chuck in a pebble... nothing. So they chuck in a rock... nothing. They look at each other. The scout around and find a really big rock it takes both of them to lift, and they chuck *that* in. Nothing. So they scout around and can't find anything, and they split up, and finally one of'm hollers "I found a railroad tie!" so they chuck THAT in. Nothing. They look at each other. Then along comes a goat, runs up and jumps straight into the hole. They look at each other some more. They decide to just leave, and head off towards the other side of the clearing, when along comes a farmer saying, have you seen a goat around anywhere? And the hunters look at each other and say, well, ma'am, the only goat we saw ran over and jumped into that hole over there. Oh, that couldn't be MY goat, says the farmer. Mine was tied to a railroad tie.


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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 29 Jun 11 - 04:36 PM

"Funny Court Case"

"Your Honor, I want to bring to your attention how unfair
it is for my client to be accused of theft. He arrived in
New York City a week ago and barely knows his way
around. What's more, he only speaks a few words of
English."

The Judge looked at the defendant and asked, "How
much English can you speak?"

The defendant looked up and said, "Give me your
wallet!"


-------------


"Nice Car"

The hotshot executive goes out and buys a Ferrari GTO.
It is the best and most expensive car in the whole world,
costing about $500,000.

He takes it out for a spin, and while he stops it for a red
light, an old man on a Moped (both looking about 90
years old) pulls up next to him. The old man looks over
the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks, "What kind
of car ya got there, sonny?"

The executive replies, "A Ferrari GTO. They cost about a
half million dollars!"

"That's a lot of money," says the old man, shocked. "Why
does it cost so much?"

"Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states
the cool guy proudly.

The moped driver asks, "Can I take a look inside?"

"Sure," replies the owner.

So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks
around. Leaning back on his Moped, the old man says,
"That's a pretty nice car, all right!"

Just then, the light changes so the guy decides to show
the old man what his car can do. He floors it, gets on
Interstate 66, and within 30 seconds the speedometer
reads 320 mph.

Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems
to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could
be and suddenly, whhhoooossshhhh! Something whips by
him, going much faster! "What on earth could be going
faster than my Ferrari?" the young man asks himself. Then
ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him.
Whooooooosh! It goes by again, heading the opposite
direction! And it almost looked like the old man on the
Moped. "Couldn't be," thinks the guy. "How could a Moped
outrun a Ferrari?" Again, he sees the dot in his rear view
mirror, getting bigger!

Whooooooosh! Ka-BbblaMMM! It plows into the back of
his car, demolishing the rear end. The executive jumps out,
and it IS the old man! Of course, the Moped and the old
man are hurting' bad. He runs up to the old man and says,
"You're hurt badly! Is there anything I can do for you?"

The old man moans and replies, "Yes..... Unhook my
suspenders from your side view mirror!"


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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: frogprince
Date: 29 Jun 11 - 11:43 AM

Mike. fortheluvagod, pay attention! ordinary merangue doesn't return; only boomerangue returns.
                   : )


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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Michael
Date: 29 Jun 11 - 08:06 AM

So have I got this right; crispy egg whites come back when thrown?
A meringue?

Mike


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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: DrugCrazed
Date: 29 Jun 11 - 04:37 AM

I've just returned from America, and I learnt some Aboriginal words, like "boo", which means "To Return".

Because when you throw an ordinary meringue...

----

I was in India, and I heard a talking string instrument that made jokes about the recent election. Got to love Political Sitar.


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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 29 Jun 11 - 03:28 AM

Doctor: Big breaths.

Patient: Yeth; and I'm only thixteen.

~M~


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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 28 Jun 11 - 10:08 AM

"Bachelor Cooks"

Two confirmed bachelors sat talking, and their
conversation drifted from politics to cooking.

"I got a cookbook once," said one, "but I
could never do anything with it."

"Too much fancy work in it, eh?" asked the
other.

"You said it. Every one of the recipes began the
same way: 'Take a clean dish...'"


-------


"Just Double It"

Mr. & Mrs. Smith have been back from their honeymoon
for two weeks when Mr. Smith comes home from work
and says that he has invited four of his friends from the office
home for dinner on Friday night.

The Mrs. is a bit apprehensive, and asks if she must
cook a meal for the four.

Mister explains that there will be eight coming because
each will bring his wife or a date. Since this is their
first party, Mister consoles her by saying that all she
has to do is get some Chinese food in, and perhaps she
can bake a cake.

This sounds like a good idea, and they sit down and
decide what Chinese food to get.

Friday morning wife calls the office in tears. She
explains that the only cake recipe she has will only
feed six.

Hubby says, "Why don't you just double the recipe?" She
decides that is a good idea.

At four, hubby gets another phone call -- this time
quite frantic.

"I just can't do it," wifey weeps. "It's impossible."

"Now, now, what's the matter?"

"Well, their recipe calls for two eggs..."

"So, you use FOUR eggs. Don't you have them?"

"Yes. And then it needs four cups of flour."

"Well," hubby says rather testily, "you will have to
use eight cups of flour. What's the problem?"

"It isn't the ingredients," wife sobs. "It says that
the cake must be baked at 350 degrees, and I have
checked the oven and I can't turn the heat up to
700 degrees!"


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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: GUEST,DaveA
Date: 27 Jun 11 - 03:49 AM

Woops - too quick on the draw....

A grade three teacher is giving a lesson on nutrition, and she decides to ask her students what they had for breakfast.
To add a spelling component, she asks the students to also spell their answers.
Susan puts up her hand and says she had an egg,   'E-G-G'.
'Very good', says the teacher.
Peter says he had toast 'T-O-A-S-T'.
'Excellent.'
Johnny has his hand up and the teacher reluctantly calls on him.
'I had bugger all', he says, ' B-U-G-G-E-R-A-L-L'.
The teacher is mortified and scolds Johnny for his rude   answer.

Later when the lesson turns to geography, she asks the students some rudimentary questions.
Susan correctly identifies the Capital of Canada. Peter is able to tell her which ocean is off Canada 's east coast.


When it's Johnny's turn, the teacher remembers his rude answer from the nutrition lesson, and decides to give him a very difficult question.
Johnny, she asks, 'Where is the Pakistani border?'
Johnny ponders the question and finally says, 'The Pakistani boarder is in bed with my mother.
That's why I got bugger all for breakfast'.


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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 26 Jun 11 - 09:25 PM

"Getting into Heaven"

Little Willie asked his mother: "Mama, don't
soldiers ever go to heaven?"

"Of course they do!" protested his mother.
"What makes you ask?"

"There are so many soldiers with beards, but I
never saw any pictures of angels with beards."

"Oh, that's because most MEN who go to Heaven
get there by a close shave."

-------

"Jose And Carlos"

Jose and Carlos are panhandlers. They panhandle
on different areas of town.

Carlos panhandles just as long as Jose but only
collects 2 to 3 dollars every day.

Jose brings home a suitcase FULL of $10 bills,
drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage free house
and has a lot of money to spend.

Carlos says to Jose, "I work just as long and hard
as you do, but how do you bring home a suitcase
full of $10 bills every day?"

Jose says, "Look at your sign; what does it say?"

Carlos sign reads, "I have no work, a wife and 6
kids to support."

Jose says, "No wonder you only get $2-3 dollars."

Carlos says, "So what does your sign say?"

Jose shows Carlos his sign......

It reads, "I only need another $10.00 to move back
to Mexico."


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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: GUEST,Pseudolus at work
Date: 24 Jun 11 - 02:18 PM

A man walked into a piano bar to audition to be the new piano player they were advertising for. He told them he played all original songs. After playing the first one the bar owner was amazed and LOVED the song. "What do you call that one?" he asked. The piano player said, "I call that one, "You have beautiful tits and I'd love to squeeze em". The bar owner was dissappointed in the name because it was a family place so he asked for another. He liked this song just as much and asked the name. The piano player told him it was called "I like to do it doggie style, how about you?". He was unsure about the whole thing but he made the piano player agree not to announce the names of the songs. So, the first night comes and the guy is a huge hit, the entire place loves him. During his first break he uses the mens room but forgets to zip up his fly. The bartender calls to him and says, "hey Buddy, do you know your fly is down and your weiner is hanging out?" The piano player responds, "Know it? I wrote it!!!"


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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 22 Jun 11 - 04:00 PM

W Schaum's above reminds me of the sign at entrance to garage section of flats where I used to live in Cambridge: CAUTION! CHILDREN PLAYING. Something to be very careful of indeed.

And a woman I know, finding on a bottle the instructions "Keep away from children" -- "Do not drink", remarked that she would find the second injunction easier to obey if she could find some way of managing to contrive obedience to the first.

~M~


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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 22 Jun 11 - 09:13 AM

"A Dog's Life"

I Lie belly-up
In the sunshine, happier than
You will ever be.

Today I sniffed
Many dogs' behinds - I celebrate
By kissing your face.

I sound the alarm!
Paper boy come to kill us all.
Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!

I sound the alarm!
Garbage man come to kill us all.
Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!

I lift my leg and
Whiz on each bush. Hello, Spot -
Sniff this and weep.

My human is home!
I am so ecstatic I have
Made a puddle.

I hate my choke chain.
Look, world, they strangle me!
Ack! Ack! Ack! Ack! Ack! Ack!

Look in my eyes and
Deny it. No human could
Love you as much as I do.

The cat is not all bad
She fills the litter box
With tootsie rolls.

My owners' mood is
Romantic - I lie near their
Feet, I rip a big one.


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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Wilfried Schaum
Date: 21 Jun 11 - 10:19 AM

Near a school there is a big placard: DRIVE CAREFULLY! Don't run over the children!

Below it, in a child's scrawl: Wait for the teachers!


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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 15 Jun 11 - 06:49 PM

"A Teenager Is..."

-A person who can't remember to walk the dog
but never forgets a phone number.

-A weight watcher who goes on a diet by giving
up candy bars before breakfast.

-A youngster who receives her allowance on Monday,
spends it on Tuesday, and borrows it from her best
friend on Wednesday.

-Someone who can hear his favorite singer 3 blocks
away but not his mother calling from the next room.

-A whiz who can operate the latest computer without
a lesson but can't make a bed.

-A student who spends 12 minutes studying history and
12 hours studying for her driver's license.

-A connoisseur of 2 kinds of fine music--loud and
very loud.

-An enthusiast who has the energy to bike for miles
but is usually too tired to dry the dishes.

-A young woman who loves the cat and tolerates
the brother.

-A romantic who never falls in love more than once
a week.

-A budding beauty who never smiles until her braces
come off.

-A boy who can sleep till noon on any Saturday he
suspects the lawn needs mowing.

-An original thinker who is positive that her mother
was never a teenager.


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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: frogprince
Date: 09 Jun 11 - 10:55 AM

Dave, that's not a joke, that's a documentary! I just got my wife to read it. : )


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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 09 Jun 11 - 09:28 AM

"Divorce Whisperer"

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding
her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the
grounds for your divorce?"

She replied, "About four acres and a nice little
home in the middle of the property with a stream
running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of
this case?"

"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she
responded.

"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations
like?"

"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town,
and so do my husband's parents."

He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"

"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport
and have never really needed one."

"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in
your marriage?"

"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets.
We don't necessarily like the music, but the
answer to your questions is yes."

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"

"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he
gets up earlier than I do."

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady,
why do you want a divorce?"

"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've
never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He
said he can't communicate with me."


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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Donuel
Date: 08 Jun 11 - 03:20 PM

High praise to Uncle Dave

not that there is anything wrong with John.


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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 08 Jun 11 - 02:35 PM

Why did the chicken commit suicide?




To get to the other side!


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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 08 Jun 11 - 08:56 AM

"Lingo Beautiful"

The teacher says, "Children, today I will ask each of you
to come to the front of the class and use a word in a
sentence. Today's word is 'beautiful'. Little Sally, would
you please come up here and use 'beautiful' in a
sentence?"

Little Sally walked to the front of the room, thought for
a moment and said, "Teacher, my mom is the most
beautiful woman in the world."

The teacher says, "Very good, Sally, you may sit. "Little
Frankie, your turn."

Little Frankie walked to the front of the room, thought
for a moment and said, "Teacher, the sunrise this
morning was the most beautiful sunrise I have ever
seen."

The teacher says, "Very good, Frankie, you may sit. Little
Johnny, it's your turn."

Little Johnny walked to the front of the room, thought
for a moment and said, "Teacher, last night my big sister
told my dad she was pregnant and he said, 'Beautiful!
Just freaking beautiful...'"


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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 28 May 11 - 11:46 AM

Will Rogers, who died in a 1935 plane crash, was one of the
greatest political sages this country has ever known.

Enjoy the following:
1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.

2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.

3. There are two theories to arguing with a woman.
Neither works.

4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

5. Always drink upstream from the herd.

6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.

7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it
and put it back into your pocket.

8. There are three kinds of men:
The ones that learn by reading.
The few who learn by observation.
The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence
and find out for themselves.

9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

10. If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then
to make sure it's still there.

11. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back.

12. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring.
He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him.
The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.


ABOUT GROWING OLDER...

First ~Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying
about your age and start bragging about it.

Second ~ The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

Third ~ Some people try to turn back their odometers.
Not me; I want people to know 'why' I look this way.
I've traveled a long way, and some of the roads weren't paved.

Fourth ~ When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth,
think of Algebra.

Fifth ~ You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

Sixth ~ I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.

Seventh ~ One of the many things no one tells you about aging
is that it's such a nice change from being young.

Eighth ~ One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.

Ninth ~ Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

Tenth ~ Long ago, when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks,
it was called witchcraft.
Today it's called golf.

And, finally ~ If you don't learn to laugh at trouble,
you won't have anything to laugh at when you're old.


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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Donuel
Date: 26 May 11 - 02:25 PM

"I now pronounce you man and wife

Please Rise,
Let us now all give a joyous blessing to the loving bond of this couple.
These two minds, bodies and souls are entering a lifetime of shared dreams, shared questions and shared exploration of the ineffable mysteries of life itself.
We bless their continuing exploration of these eternal questions of life and love ... questions like "where are my socks?", "What did you do with my keys?" and "Do you know what day this IS ?"
May the bond of their love answer these questions with joy and tolerance from this day forward.

I now present to you Mr and Mrs. Chen



(actual wedding ceremony I was asked to write this week)


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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 26 May 11 - 04:42 AM

"Oi, Hymie, the doctor says our little Solly has an Oedipus complex."

"Oedipus Schmoedipus. What does it matter so long as he loves his mother!"


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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: GUEST,Jim Dixon, at the Burnett County WI library
Date: 25 May 11 - 03:40 PM

If you can't afford a doctor, go to an airport. You'll get a free x-ray and a breast exam, and if you mention Al Qaieda, you'll get a free colonoscopy.


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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: GUEST,Jim Dixon, at the Burnett County WI library
Date: 25 May 11 - 03:15 PM

As long as we're doing old jokes, here's one from Henny Youngman:

Patient (flexing his elbow): Doc, it hurts when I do this.

Doctor: Don't do that!


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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 25 May 11 - 01:43 PM

"Have you seen a policeman round here?"

"No."

"Stick 'em up!"

----------------------------

"Stick 'em down!"

"Don't you mean 'Stick 'em up'?"

"That's why I'm not making any money!"


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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Mrrzy
Date: 25 May 11 - 11:45 AM

If you can't think of a good Rapture joke, don't worry, it isn't the end of the world.


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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Mrrzy
Date: 24 May 11 - 01:43 PM

Where did you get that black eye? I got hit with some tomatoes. How did that give you a black eye? These tomatoes were in a can.

(James Thurber)


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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Wilfried Schaum
Date: 24 May 11 - 06:35 AM

Correction ... I'll use the preview in future.

but now another joke:
man enters the bar with a black eye. his friend: "where did you get it?" - "by my wife." - "why?" - "for saying you." - "???" - "she told me: do you realize that we hadn't any sex for about four weeks? and I answered: yeah, you!"


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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Wilfried Schaum
Date: 24 May 11 - 06:24 AM

Crrection: I've heard ..


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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Wilfried Schaum
Date: 24 May 11 - 06:22 AM

I've hard it the other way round (6 days war): Now the wife walks some 20 meters befoethe husband. - Why? - landmines.


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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Bill D
Date: 23 May 11 - 10:22 PM

"Barbara Walters, of 20/20, did a story on gender roles in Kabul,Afghanistan , ..."

*sigh*...No, she didn't. I heard that 'joke' 45+ years ago, told about Korea....and later about Vietnam. It resurfaces regularly.


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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Mrrzy
Date: 23 May 11 - 12:58 PM

Guy is in a bar after the Rapture.... Hey, anybody seen that priest I walked in here with? Anybody? Hellooo...?


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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: autolycus
Date: 23 May 11 - 06:14 AM

A revision of an earlier joke, which needs a bigger build-up.

Mr.Goldberg has been going to the same restaurant for twenty years, and has always started with chicken soup.

One day, he sits down, the waiter brings his soup, and Mr. Goldberg says,

"Taste this soup!"

The waiter says,
"Is there something wrong?"

"Just taste this soup!"

"But mr. Goldberg, you always start wi...."

"Just taste it!"

"Yes mr. Goldberg. Um, where's the spoon?"

"Aaaaaaah - ha!!"


***********

One I got from the Beeb some years ago.

Did you hear about the bloke who looked up "paranoid" in the dictionary? It said "Whaddya wanna know for?"



Ivor


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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: paul vaughan
Date: 20 May 11 - 03:57 PM

Went to the gym today. As I went in I saw the most stunning woman I'd seen in my life!!
I said to my trainer "Which machine do you think I should use to get a date with her?" He looked me over and said "The cash machine you fat b*****d!!"


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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Peter the Squeezer
Date: 20 May 11 - 01:43 PM

WOMEN WHO KNOW THEIR PLACE

Barbara Walters, of 20/20, did a story on gender roles in Kabul,Afghanistan , several years before the Afghan conflict.

She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands.

She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind their husbands.

Despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women now seem happy to maintain the old custom.

Ms Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked,

'Why do you now seem happy with an old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?'

The woman looked Ms Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation said,





"Land mines."







Moral of the story is (no matter what language you speak or where you go):

BEHIND EVERY MAN, THERE'S A SMART WOMAN (OR MAYBE THREE!)


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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Peter the Squeezer
Date: 20 May 11 - 01:35 PM

Got the right thread this time (maybe)?

From my daughter (13)

What do you call an Eskimo Chav?

Innuinnit


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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: breezy
Date: 15 May 11 - 09:35 AM

Thats isolationism


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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 15 May 11 - 02:36 AM

Hey ~ where is this party? Why wasn't I invited!


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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: frogprince
Date: 14 May 11 - 09:17 PM

No, public relations is when you walk up to the guy at the party, take off your clothes, and jump him.


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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 14 May 11 - 07:53 PM

Marketing Explained, for Women

The buzz word in today's business world is marketing. However, people often ask for a simple explanation of the concept.

Well, here it is -- everything you need to know about marketing.

You're a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed."

That's Direct Marketing.

You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of your friends goes up to him and, pointing at you, says, "She's fantastic in bed."

That's Advertising.

You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed."

That's Telemarketing.

You see a guy at a party, you straighten your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say, "May I?" and reach up to straighten his tie, brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed."

That's Public Relations.

You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed."

That's Brand Recognition.

You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He fancies you, but you talk him into going home with your friend.

That's a Sales Representative.

Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you.

That's Tech Support.

You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome men in all these houses you're passing. So you climb onto the roof of one situated towards the center and shout at the top of your lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!"

That's Spam.


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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 13 May 11 - 09:58 AM

"Lightning"

A little girl walked daily to and from school. Though
the weather that morning was questionable and
clouds were forming, she made her daily trip to
school.

As the afternoon progressed, the winds whipped up,
along with thunder and lightning. The mother of the
little girl felt concerned that her daughter would be
frightened as she walked home from school, and she
herself feared the electrical storm might harm her child.

Following the roar of thunder, lightning, like a flaming
sword would cut through the sky. Full of concern, the
mother quickly got in her car and drove along the
route to her child's school.

As she did so, she saw her little girl walking along, but
at each flash of lightning, the child would stop, look
up and smile.

Another and another were to follow quickly, each
with the little girl stopping, looking up and smiling.
Finally, the mother called over to her child and asked,
"What are you doing?"

The child answered, "Smiling! God just keeps taking
pictures of me."


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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 11 May 11 - 05:55 PM

One-Liner Time Again!


In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.

I am a nutritional overachiever.

I am having an out of money experience.

I plan on living forever. So far, so good.

Practice safe eating-always use condiments.

A day without sunshine is like night.

If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have
in-laws.

It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but
nobody bothers to ask you the questions.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right
thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the
wrong thing at the tempting moment.

Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells
live forever.

Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age
comes alone.

You don't stop laughing because you grow old, you
grow old because you stopped laughing.

I started out with nothing...I still have most of it.

When did my wild oats turn to prunes and all bran?

I finally got my head together, now my body is
falling apart.

Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.

If all is not lost, where is it?

It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

If at first you do succeed, try not to look too
astonished.

The first rule of holes: If you are in one, stop digging.

I went to school to become a wit, only got halfway
through.

It was all so different before everything changed.

Some days you're the dog, some days the hydrant.

Nostalgia isn't what is used to be.

I wish the buck stopped here. I could use a few.

It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the
sudden stop at the end.

Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free
trip round the Sun.

The only time the world beats a path to your door is
if you're in the bathroom.

If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have
put them on my knees.

When you're finally holding all the cards, why does
everyone else decide to play chess?

There are two kinds of pedestrians...the quick and the
dead.

A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Being healthy is merely the slowest possible rate at
which one can die.

It's not hard to meet expenses...they're everywhere.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the
depth.

The good part about being bald is that when someone
walks in the room all you have to do is fix your tie.

Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings.
They did it by killing all those who disagreed with them.

The only thing wrong with a perfect drive to work is
that you end up at work.

Americans are getting stronger. Twenty years ago, it
took two people to carry ten dollars' worth of
groceries. Today, a five-year-old can do it.


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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: GUEST,999--rec'd from a friend
Date: 09 May 11 - 03:10 PM

A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6."

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.

The wife asks him, "Why the hell did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"

He replied, "They had eggs."


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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 09 May 11 - 10:14 AM

I just got this message from a friend:

[My wife] never allows my words [when we play Scrabble]. She keeps saying there's no such word. Stiffles creativity.


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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: DMcG
Date: 08 May 11 - 02:43 AM

Speaking as a male! On one occasion I was in deep conversation with my son while using an ATM. When my card was returned we left and had gone about 10 steps before I realised I hadn't actually taken for the money. We went back immediately but not surprisingly the notes had already evaporated. Anyway, I used an ATM yesterday and noticed that the final screen said

PLEASE TAKE YOUR CARD
AND WAIT FOR YOUR MONEY

Yes, the final line IS in bold! It obviously happens fairly often.


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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 07 May 11 - 09:30 PM

Procedure at the Drive-Through Bank Machine
   
    A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:

    'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.

    Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.

    After months of careful research, "MALE & FEMALE" procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender.'
   

    *******************************
    MALE PROCEDURE:
    1. Drive up to the cash machine.
    2. Put down your car window.
    3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
    4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
    5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
    6. Put window up.
    7. Drive off.

    *******************************

    FEMALE PROCEDURE:
    (What is really funny is that most of this part is the truth!!!!)

    1. Drive up to cash machine.
    2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
    3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
    4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
    5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
    6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
    7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
    8. Insert card.
    9. Re-insert card the right way.
    10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
    11. Enter PIN.
    12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
    13. Enter amount of cash required.
    14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
    15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
    16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
    17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of check book.
    18. Re-check makeup.
    19. Drive forward 2 feet.
    20. Reverse back to cash machine.
    21. Retrieve card.
    22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
    23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
    24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
    25. Re-dial person on cell phone.
    26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
    27. Release Parking Brake.

    SEND THIS TO A MAN WHO NEEDS A LAUGH, AND TO THE LADIES who can handle it.... A lady sent it to me. She was laughing, too.


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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Wesley S
Date: 05 May 11 - 03:56 PM

Have you heard about the Osama Bin Laden drink?

Two shots and a splash of water......


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Mudcat time: 6 August 11:02 PM EDT

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