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BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!

manitas_at_work 22 May 09 - 03:06 AM
Peace 21 May 09 - 09:35 PM
Uncle_DaveO 17 May 09 - 04:58 PM
Uncle_DaveO 15 May 09 - 07:09 PM
MudGuard 15 May 09 - 02:39 PM
Uncle_DaveO 15 May 09 - 09:07 AM
Joe_F 14 May 09 - 10:17 PM
CapriUni 14 May 09 - 02:22 PM
Naemanson 12 May 09 - 04:35 AM
Bert 12 May 09 - 03:06 AM
Uncle_DaveO 11 May 09 - 04:09 PM
GUEST,Guest 10 May 09 - 11:32 PM
Michael 08 May 09 - 02:43 PM
Folkiedave 08 May 09 - 12:48 PM
Uncle_DaveO 07 May 09 - 05:58 PM
Tug the Cox 07 May 09 - 06:08 AM
Tug the Cox 07 May 09 - 05:56 AM
Uncle_DaveO 06 May 09 - 03:53 PM
Joe_F 05 May 09 - 09:53 PM
Uncle_DaveO 05 May 09 - 05:44 PM
Donuel 04 May 09 - 12:14 PM
Gurney 04 May 09 - 02:12 AM
Georgiansilver 03 May 09 - 01:41 PM
Mrrzy 03 May 09 - 01:07 PM
Georgiansilver 03 May 09 - 11:14 AM
Uncle_DaveO 03 May 09 - 10:06 AM
Uncle_DaveO 02 May 09 - 08:10 PM
Steve Shaw 02 May 09 - 04:35 PM
Uncle_DaveO 02 May 09 - 03:01 PM
Gurney 02 May 09 - 12:53 AM
Uncle_DaveO 01 May 09 - 10:04 AM
Keith A of Hertford 01 May 09 - 07:25 AM
Fergie 30 Apr 09 - 03:46 PM
Uncle_DaveO 30 Apr 09 - 02:30 PM
Wesley S 30 Apr 09 - 12:32 PM
Uncle_DaveO 29 Apr 09 - 03:12 PM
Donuel 27 Apr 09 - 11:42 AM
Uncle_DaveO 27 Apr 09 - 09:43 AM
Uncle_DaveO 26 Apr 09 - 12:23 PM
Joe_F 25 Apr 09 - 08:09 PM
Uncle_DaveO 25 Apr 09 - 07:46 PM
Mrrzy 25 Apr 09 - 03:54 PM
Joe_F 24 Apr 09 - 09:31 PM
Uncle_DaveO 24 Apr 09 - 03:56 PM
jeffp 24 Apr 09 - 03:03 PM
CapriUni 24 Apr 09 - 02:17 PM
Uncle_DaveO 24 Apr 09 - 09:44 AM
Uncle_DaveO 23 Apr 09 - 09:38 AM
Michael 23 Apr 09 - 05:57 AM
Joe_F 22 Apr 09 - 09:42 PM
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Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: manitas_at_work
Date: 22 May 09 - 03:06 AM

I think the link is broken


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Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Peace
Date: 21 May 09 - 09:35 PM

NEVER let an ad out before it's checked by a native speaker who's familiar with slang. A good friend sent me this because he knows I taught English for decades and am still a firefighter. It's a hoot.


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Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 17 May 09 - 04:58 PM

Please see the 2nd Joke Thread of 2009. This one is too long already.

Emphasis added. --JoeClone 22-May-2009


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Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 15 May 09 - 07:09 PM

A Heartwarming Senior Citizen Letter

Just when you have lost faith in human kindness, someone who teaches at Kean Elementary in Wooster, Ohio forwarded the following letter.
            
The letter was sent to the Principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly. An old lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door prize and was writing to say thank you.

This story is a credit to all humankind. Forward to anyone you know who might need a lift today.



   
Dear Kean Elementary:

God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizens luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the Sprenger Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away. I am all alone now and it's nice to know that someone is thinking of me. God bless you for your kindness to a old forgotten lady.

My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio, but before I received one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping.

The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. Her distress over the broken radio touched me and I knew this was God's way of answering my prayers.

She asked if she could listen to mine, and I told her to kiss my ass.

Thank you for that opportunity..

Sincerely,
Agnes Baker


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Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: MudGuard
Date: 15 May 09 - 02:39 PM

For Joe F:

Royal Mail Officer: "This letter is too heavy, you need to put another stamp on it!"
Customer: "If you think the letter gets lighter then ... "


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Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 15 May 09 - 09:07 AM

"Become A Rebel At The Barber Shop"

A man entered a barber shop and said, "I am tired
of looking like everyone else! I want a change!
Part my hair from ear to ear!"

"Are you sure?"

"Yes!" said the man.

The barber did as he was told and a satisfied
customer left the shop.

Three hours passed and the man reentered the
shop. "Put it back the way it was," he said.

"What's the matter?" asked the barber. "Are you
tired of being a nonconformist already?"

"No," he replied, "I'm tired of people whispering
in my nose!"


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Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Joe_F
Date: 14 May 09 - 10:17 PM

"The plains Indians had bows so powerful that they could shoot an arrow into a buffalo right up to the feathers."
"Buffaloes don't have feathers."

*

"Close the window. It's cold outside."
"So, if I close the window, is it going to be warm outside?"


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Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: CapriUni
Date: 14 May 09 - 02:22 PM

Well, this is the first actual joke I remember my mother teaching me (as opposed to knock-knock jokes and conundrums), when I was about three or four years old.




Man goes into the doctor's office, and the doctor asks what's wrong.

"Well, I feel fine," the man said, but when I woke up this morning, I noticed there was a screw in my belly button, and don't know how it got there, and I'm a bit concerned."

"Ah, yes. I see," the doctor said, and had the man undress and perch on the side of the examination table. Sure enough, there's a big fat shiny Phillips-head screw right where the man's belly button should be.

"Hm," the doctor said, after a moment's examination. "There doesn't seem to be any injury. Let's just see if we can get this thing out." And he digs around in his cabinets until he finds a Phillips-head screwdriver. And he starts unscrewing, and the screw gets looser and looser.

"Does that hurt at all?" the doctor asked.

"No," the man said. "It feels a bit odd, but it doesn't hurt."

So the doctor keeps going, and soon the skew is out completely.

"Thank you, doctor," the man says. That's quite a relief.

He stood up to get dressed.

...and his butt fell off.



I don't know which is more disturbing: the joke, or that my mother taught the joke to her four-year old daughter. ;-)


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Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Naemanson
Date: 12 May 09 - 04:35 AM

That kind of language begins AFTER the job starts!


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Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Bert
Date: 12 May 09 - 03:06 AM

Isn't it funny how rejection letters are always so polite.

You don't care about politeness.

What you really want to hear is "Get your sorry ass here on Monday at 8 O'Clock sharp or you'll be in deep shit!"


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Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 11 May 09 - 04:09 PM

Dear Ms. Ezell:

Thank you for your letter of July 17. After careful
consideration I regret to inform you that I am unable
to accept your refusal to offer me employment with
your firm. This year I have been particularly fortunate
in receiving an unusually large number of rejection
letters.

With such a varied and promising field of corporate
candidates it is impossible for me to accept all refusals
for employment.

Despite your company's outstanding qualifications and
previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that
your rejection does not meet with my needs at this time.

Therefore, I will initiate employment with your firm
immediately following graduation. I look forward to
seeing you then.

Best of luck in rejecting future candidates.

Sincerely,
Marc Taylor


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Subject: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: GUEST,Guest
Date: 10 May 09 - 11:32 PM

The newspaper, "The Australian," over a period of weeks sought entries for The Great Australian yarn.
This was the winner:




Two cattle drovers were standing in an Outback bar. One asked, "What are ya up to, mate?"
"Ahh, I'm takin' a mob of 6000 from Goondiwindi to Gympie." "Oh yeah ... and what route are you takin'?"
"Ah, prob'ly the Missus ... after all, she stuck by me durin' the drought"


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Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Michael
Date: 08 May 09 - 02:43 PM

Dave, credit where its due, Vin Garbutt Eh?

Mike


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Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Folkiedave
Date: 08 May 09 - 12:48 PM

Seeing his friend packing his suitcase he says
"They won't let you take that in".

"What" his mate says. "The FLintstones video, they won't let you take Flintstones video's into the Gulf States".

"Don't be stupid", his friend says - "Of course they do!".

"You cannot take a Flintstones video into the Gulf States".

"Well certainly Bahrain don't let Flintstones videos in, and Kuwait don't either.

But I think Abu Dhabi do".


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Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 07 May 09 - 05:58 PM

"GI Insurance"

Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center where
he was to advise new recruits about their government
benefits, especially their GI insurance.

It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman
Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales,
which had never happened before.

Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the
back of the room and listened to Jones's sales pitch.
Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the
new recruits, and then said:

"If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are
killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your
beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and
you go into battle and get killed, the government has
to pay only a maximum of $6000."

"Now," he concluded," which bunch do you think they
are going to send into battle first?


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Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Tug the Cox
Date: 07 May 09 - 06:08 AM

Hey, I just won an all expenses paid holiday to Mexico City. I'm pig sick that I won't be able to go.


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Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Tug the Cox
Date: 07 May 09 - 05:56 AM

Man in hospital in an oxygen mask, hoarsley whispers to the nurse....'Are my testicles black?. Being an obliging sort, she takes his acoutrements in her hands, has a good look, gives them a rub to make sure there's no dirt on them, then, with a final pat, say's , 'no, theyre fine'.
   The man pulls of his mask. 'Thanky you nurse, I really enjoyed that, but waht i said was

    'Are my test results back?


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Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 06 May 09 - 03:53 PM

The IRS Genie...

A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the desert without water. His horse has already died of thirst. He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden, he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case. He opens it, and out pops a genie.

But this is no ordinary genie. She is wearing an Internal Revenue Service ID badge and a dull gray dress.. There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear. "Well, cowboy," says the genie, "You know how I work. You have three wishes."

"I'm not falling for this," says the man. "I'm not going to trust an IRS auditor genie."

"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!"

The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right.

"Okay, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink."

POOF!
The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen, and he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

"Okay, cowpoke, what's your second wish?"

"My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams."

POOF!
The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.

"Okay, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"

After thinking for a few minutes, the man says. "I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me."

POOF!
He is turned into a tampon.

The moral of the story: If the IRS offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached.


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Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Joe_F
Date: 05 May 09 - 09:53 PM

What's the fastest way to York?
Are you walking or driving?
Driving.
That's the fastest way.


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Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 05 May 09 - 05:44 PM

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars . . . A lot cheaper than a doctor."

So Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. Joe pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.

"Thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart."

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.

Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:
"1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get
better!

"Thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart!"


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Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Donuel
Date: 04 May 09 - 12:14 PM

While playing with anagrams related to the next Republican ticket I combined a Jeb Bush and Mitt Romney ticket as Bush Romney and got
Horny Bums
Shrub my No
My bus horn
Born Mushy


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Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Gurney
Date: 04 May 09 - 02:12 AM

Uncle dave, don't worry about greeblies from strippers bodies on your bills, the cocaine will sterilise them.

Deja Vu all over again? I never done nothing!


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Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 03 May 09 - 01:41 PM

oops... missed that one!! sorry!


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Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Mrrzy
Date: 03 May 09 - 01:07 PM

It's deja vu all over again!


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Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 03 May 09 - 11:14 AM

Pooh and Piglet wandered aimlessly through the woods. "It's great to have friends" exclaimed piglet............. If that pig sneezes... He's dead!!!! thought Pooh


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Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 03 May 09 - 10:06 AM

"The 5 O'clock News"

A blonde and a redhead met in a bar after work
for a drink, and were watching the 6 O'clock news.
A man was shown threatening to jump from the
Brooklyn Bridge. The blonde bet the redhead $50
that he wouldn't jump, and the redhead replied,
"I'll take that bet!"
   
Anyway, sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde
gave the redhead the $50 she owed.

The redhead said, "I can't take this, you're my friend."

The blonde said, "No. A bet's a bet. You won the
money."
   
Then the redhead said, "Listen, I have to admit, I
saw this on the 5 O'clock news, so I can't take your
money."
   
The blonde replied,...
"Well, so did I, but I never thought he'd jump again!"


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Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 02 May 09 - 08:10 PM

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

I'm just passing this thought along ....

Have you ever wondered if the one dollar bills in your wallet were ever in a stripper's butt crack?

If not, you're wondering now.

Have a nice day .    :)


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Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 02 May 09 - 04:35 PM

I panicked and phoned the swine flu hotline, but all I could get was crackling.


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Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 02 May 09 - 03:01 PM

Sorry, Gurney, you were anticipated by something like four days on the "pigs fly" comment. I forget who did it, or in what thread, but it's there.

Dave Oesterreich


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Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Gurney
Date: 02 May 09 - 12:53 AM

I've been waiting to see if this came up, but it seems to be left to me.

It used to be said, "America will elect a black president when pigs fly."
100 days into the present incumbency, swine flu!
Sounds better out loud.

Pooh and Piglet were trudging through the snow.
Piglet's thought bubble: I'm so lucky to have a friend like Pooh!
Pooh's thought bubble: This bastard sneezes, he's DEAD!

Local radio jokes.


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Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 01 May 09 - 10:04 AM

"Blonde Pilot"

A blonde is on board a small two-seater plane
when suddenly the pilot dies.

Not knowing how to fly a plane she grabs the radio.

"Mayday, Mayday! My pilot just died!" she screams.

Ground control receives her call for help and answers
back: "Don't worry, madam. I'll talk you down, just
do as I say. First, I need you to give me your height
and position."

"I'm 5 foot 2 and sitting in the front seat!"


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Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Keith A of Hertford
Date: 01 May 09 - 07:25 AM

Why did the French chef commit suicide?
   













Because he'd lost his huile d'olive."


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Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Fergie
Date: 30 Apr 09 - 03:46 PM

I posted this in another thread today, so I thought I should post it here also

Fergus

There is a story about the Dublin man who was being followed home from the pub by a giraffe. He finds a cord and puts it around the giraffes neck and leads it along O'Connell St. A cop asks him where he got the giraffe and the drunk tell him that it was lost and followed him. The cop advises him to bring it to the zoo and the drunk replies "that a bloody great idea". A few days later, the cop sees the same drunk leading the same giraffe along the footpath. The cop says "hey, I thought I advised you to take that giraffe up to the zoo". The drunk says "you did officer and he bloody loved it, I'm taking him to a football match today".


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Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 30 Apr 09 - 02:30 PM

"Blind Cabbie"

After knocking down a woman pedestrian who
was jay-walking, the cabby stopped and helped
the irate lady to her feet.

Refusing his assistance, she yelled,

"You stupid, reckless creature! You must be blind!"

"What do you mean, blind?" snapped the cabdriver,
"I hit you, didn't I?"


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Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Wesley S
Date: 30 Apr 09 - 12:32 PM

This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in Las Vegas, but there are more catholic churches than casinos.

Not surprisingly, some worshipers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed.

Since they get chips from many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to collect the offerings.

The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan monastery for sorting and then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in.

This is done by the chip monks.


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Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 29 Apr 09 - 03:12 PM

Bill and Sam, two elderly friends, met in the park every day to
feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.

One day Bill didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something. But after Bill hadn't shown up For a week or so, Sam really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Bill lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.

A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Bill, But one day, Sam approached the park and--lo and behold!--there sat Bill! Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then He said, "For crying out loud, Bill, what in the world happened to you?"

Bill replied, "I've been in jail."

"Jail?" cried Sam. "What in the world for?"

"Well," Bill said, "you know Sue, that cute little blonde
waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?"

"Yeah," said Sam, "I remember her. What about her?"

"Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at eighty-nine years old, I was so proud that when I got into court I pleaded 'guilty'."

Sam said, "What happened?"

"The damn judge gave me thirty days for perjury."


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Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Donuel
Date: 27 Apr 09 - 11:42 AM

The crowd of parents picking up their lilttle ones at school suddenly backed away from one quiet guy in jeans and T shirt in an ever expanding circle. His shirt said...


"I went to Mexico City and all I got was this lousy T shirt."


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Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 27 Apr 09 - 09:43 AM

"Vet Problems"

A veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see her
doctor. The doctor asked her all the usual questions,
about symptoms, how long had they been occurring,
etc., when she interrupted him: "Hey look, I'm a vet -
I don't need to ask my patients these kinds of
questions: I can tell what's wrong just by looking."

She smugly added, "Why can't you?"

The doctor nodded, stood back, looked her up and
down, quickly wrote out a prescription, handed it
to her and said, "There you are. Of course, if that
doesn't work, we'll have to have you put to sleep."


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Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 26 Apr 09 - 12:23 PM

A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says "Ah ... I see you regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it".

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did - better in fact! But the thing is that it isn't cheap. It is $1000 an inch. "

The man perks up at this. "So", the doctor says, "it's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before and you go for the nine-inch, your wife might be a bit put off. But if you had a nine-inch before and you go for the five-inch, she might be disappointed. So it's an important decision that you and your wife should probably talk over." The man agrees to talk to his wife.

The doctor comes back the next day and says "So, have you spoken to your wife?"

"I have" says the man.

"And she has helped you in making the decision?"

"Yes, she has", the man says.

"And what is it?" the doctor asked.

"We're getting new granite countertops."


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Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Joe_F
Date: 25 Apr 09 - 08:09 PM

An old Jew on his deathbed asked for a priest. The family was horrified. A *priest*? Yes, he said, I want to be converted. Better than one of them should die than one of us!


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Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 25 Apr 09 - 07:46 PM

Children Writing About The Ocean...

   1) - This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles.
       (Kelly, age 6)

   2) - Oysters' balls are called pearls.
       (Jerry, age 6)

   3) - If you are surrounded by ocean you are an island.
       If you don't have ocean all round you, you are incontinent.
       (Wayne , age 7)

   4) - Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily
       Richardson. She's not my friend any more.
       (Kylie, age 6)

   5) - A dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top of its head.
       (Billy, age 8)

   6) - My uncle goes out in his boat with 2 other men and a woman and
       pots and comes back with crabs.
       (Millie, age 6)

   7) - When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to      
       cross the ocean. Sometimes when the wind didn't blow the
       sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said
       they would have been better off eating beans.(William, age 7)

   8) - Mermaids live in the ocean. I like mermaids. They are
       beautiful and I like their shiny tails, but how on earth do
       mermaids get pregnant? Like, really?
       (Helen, age 6)

   9) - I'm not going to write about the ocean. My baby brother is
       always crying, my Dad keeps yelling at my Mom, and my big
       sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write.
       (Amy, age 6)

10) - Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels
       can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea
       where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers.
       (Christopher, age 7)

11) - When you go swimming in the ocean, it is very cold, and it
       makes my willy small.
       (Kevin, age 6)

12) - Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Divers
       can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other.
       (Becky, age 8)

13) - On vacation my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she
       was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because   
       water fired right up her big fat ass..
       (Julie, age 7)

14) - The ocean is made up of water and fish. Why the fish don't
       drown I don't know.
       (Bobby, age 6)

15) - My dad was a sailor on the ocean. He knows all about the
       ocean. What he doesn't know is why he quit being a sailor and
       married my mom.
       (James, age 7


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Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Mrrzy
Date: 25 Apr 09 - 03:54 PM

So the two old jews are walking down the rainy street, kvetching about this and that, and one says to the other, and you know what the worst of it is? My son is thinking of becoming a Christian! Oy, vey, says the other, you won't believe it but so is mine! At that point the clouds part, the beam of light hits them both, and a booming voice from above says...

...Tell me about it!


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Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Joe_F
Date: 24 Apr 09 - 09:31 PM

Two businessmen were walking out of the office to lunch, when one of them asked the other, "Do you know how the Pope keeps all the cardinals on their toes? He's raised all the urinals in the Vatican 3 inches." After they'd left, one secretary asked another, "What's a urinal?" to which the other repliedf, "How should I know? I'm not a Catholic."

That is a second-order joke -- a joke about a joke. I saw it quoted, back in the ages of sexism, in an essay that also gave an example of a fifth-order joke. The author speculated that jokes of transfinite order might evoke the ineffable laughter of the gods.


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Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 24 Apr 09 - 03:56 PM

Do you think these a bit odd?


Have pun!


1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir
Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.


3. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it
turned out to be an optical Aleutian.


5. She was a moonshiner's daughter, but he loved her still.


7. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class
because it was a weapon of math disruption.


9. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be
stationery.


11. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for
littering.


13. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in
Linoleum Blownapart.


15. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.


17. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


19. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police
are looking into it.


21. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.


23. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off
the Grass.'


25. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.


27.. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a
small medium at large.


29. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a
seasoned veteran.


31. A backward poet writes inverse.


33. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's
your count that votes.


35. When space men land, they normally say, "Take me to your
leader." When they land in Las Vegas, they say. "Lead me to your
taker."


37. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!


If someone called you odd, would you try to get even?


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Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: jeffp
Date: 24 Apr 09 - 03:03 PM

Would a stepfather be a faux pa?


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Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: CapriUni
Date: 24 Apr 09 - 02:17 PM

A Dialogue:

I'll be right back. I have to go to the store and pick up some birdseed.

Oh, really? How many birds do you have?

None, yet. But I hope to grow some.


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Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 24 Apr 09 - 09:44 AM

God is Good

Have you ever told a white lie? You are going to love this, especially all of those who bake for church events.

Alice Grayson was to bake a cake for the Baptist Church Ladies' Group in Tuscaloosa but forgot to do it until the last minute. She remembered the morning of the bake sale; and, after rummaging through cabinets, found an angel food cake mix and quickly made it while drying her hair, dressing, and helping her son pack for Scout camp.

When Alice took the cake from the oven, the center had dropped flat and the cake was horribly disfigured. She thought, 'Oh dear, there is not time to bake another cake.'

This cake was important to Alice because she did so want to fit in at her new church and in her new community of friends. So, being inventive, she looked around the house for something to build up the center of the cake.

Alice found it in the bathroom - a roll of toilet paper. She plunked it in and covered it with icing. Not only did the finished product look beautiful, it looked perfect.

Before she left the house to drop the cake by the church and head for work, Alice woke her daughter Amanda and gave her some money and specific instructions to be at the bake sale the moment it opened at 9:30 and to buy the cake and bring it home.

When Amanda arrived at the sale, she found the attractive, perfect cake had already been sold. She grabbed her cell phone and called her mom.

Alice was horrified - she was beside herself. Everyone would know! What would they think? She would be ostracized, talked about, and ridiculed! All night, Alice lay awake in bed thinking about people pointing fingers at her and talking about her behind her back.

The next day, Alice promised herself she would try not to think about the cake and would attend the fancy luncheon/bridal shower at the home of a fellow church member and try to have a good time.

She really didn't want to attend because the hostess was a snob who more than once had looked down her nose at Alice because she was a single parent and not from the founding families of Tuscaloosa but, having already RSVP'd, she couldn't think of a believable excuse to stay home.

The meal was elegant, the company was definitely upper crust old South and, to Alice 's horror, the cake in question was presented for dessert! Alice felt the blood drain from her body when she saw the cake!

She started out of her chair to tell the hostess all about it, but before she could get to her feet, the Mayor's wife said, 'What a beautiful cake!'

Alice still stunned, sat back in her chair when she heard the hostess (who was a prominent church member) say, 'Thank you, I baked it myself.'

Alice smiled and thought to herself, 'God is good.'


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Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 23 Apr 09 - 09:38 AM

A Heavenly Marriage"

On their way to a justice of the peace to get married
this couple has a fatal car accident. The couple is
sitting outside heaven's gate waiting on St. Peter to
do an intake. In conversation while waiting they wonder
if they could possibly get married in Heaven. St. Peter
finally shows up and they ask him.

St. Peter says, "I don't know, this is the first time
anyone ever asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves.

The couple sits for a couple of months and in
conversation they begin to wonder if they really should
get married in Heaven, what with the eternal aspect of
it all.

"What if it doesn't work out?," they wonder, "Are we
stuck together forever?" St. Peter returns after yet
another month, looking somewhat bedraggled.

"Yes," he informs the couple, "you can get married in
Heaven."

"Great," says the couple, "but what if things don't
work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced, slams his clipboard onto the
ground.

"What's wrong?" exclaims the frightened couple.

"Jeez!" St. Peter exclaims, "It took me three months
to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how
long it's going to take for me to find a lawyer!?"


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Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Michael
Date: 23 Apr 09 - 05:57 AM

Smoking Women? I'll have a pack.

Mike


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Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Joe_F
Date: 22 Apr 09 - 09:42 PM

I tried Camels for 30 days.
Then I went back to Women.


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