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BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!

Sooz 01 Jan 09 - 04:49 AM
Uncle_DaveO 01 Jan 09 - 10:06 AM
Rapparee 01 Jan 09 - 10:50 AM
Leadfingers 01 Jan 09 - 11:28 AM
Sooz 01 Jan 09 - 12:03 PM
Uncle_DaveO 01 Jan 09 - 04:12 PM
Steve Shaw 01 Jan 09 - 07:48 PM
Riginslinger 01 Jan 09 - 11:36 PM
Joe_F 02 Jan 09 - 09:06 PM
Susu's Hubby 02 Jan 09 - 09:53 PM
Susu's Hubby 02 Jan 09 - 09:57 PM
Rapparee 02 Jan 09 - 10:04 PM
katlaughing 03 Jan 09 - 01:25 AM
SPB-Cooperator 03 Jan 09 - 11:42 AM
Jim Dixon 03 Jan 09 - 02:20 PM
GUEST,machree01 04 Jan 09 - 09:30 AM
Midchuck 04 Jan 09 - 09:43 AM
Uncle_DaveO 04 Jan 09 - 10:32 AM
breezy 04 Jan 09 - 11:12 AM
breezy 04 Jan 09 - 11:21 AM
Steve Shaw 04 Jan 09 - 11:55 AM
Jim Dixon 04 Jan 09 - 03:07 PM
Georgiansilver 04 Jan 09 - 05:13 PM
frogprince 04 Jan 09 - 06:01 PM
GUEST,Joe_F 04 Jan 09 - 08:59 PM
Uncle_DaveO 04 Jan 09 - 09:25 PM
Bob Hitchcock 04 Jan 09 - 09:31 PM
Mr Red 05 Jan 09 - 08:20 AM
Peter T. 05 Jan 09 - 10:01 AM
Alice 05 Jan 09 - 11:05 PM
Doug Chadwick 06 Jan 09 - 01:31 AM
Sooz 06 Jan 09 - 04:49 AM
HuwG 06 Jan 09 - 09:23 AM
Donuel 07 Jan 09 - 12:56 AM
severed-head 07 Jan 09 - 06:56 AM
Uncle_DaveO 07 Jan 09 - 08:08 AM
severed-head 07 Jan 09 - 09:40 AM
severed-head 07 Jan 09 - 11:17 AM
The Fooles Troupe 07 Jan 09 - 07:37 PM
Joe_F 07 Jan 09 - 07:40 PM
severed-head 08 Jan 09 - 05:18 AM
severed-head 08 Jan 09 - 06:14 AM
Joe_F 08 Jan 09 - 09:42 PM
severed-head 09 Jan 09 - 06:01 AM
Uncle_DaveO 09 Jan 09 - 01:31 PM
Rapparee 09 Jan 09 - 06:09 PM
Rapparee 09 Jan 09 - 06:35 PM
Joe_F 09 Jan 09 - 09:35 PM
Uncle_DaveO 10 Jan 09 - 02:10 PM
Uncle_DaveO 14 Jan 09 - 10:08 AM
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Subject: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Sooz
Date: 01 Jan 09 - 04:49 AM

Click for the 'PermaThread™: List of all joke threads'


Well - where is it?

I expected that by 9.50am here in Lincolnshire UK, someone would have got this started! It must already be January 2nd somewhere in Mudcat Land.


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Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 01 Jan 09 - 10:06 AM

Pleased to be of service!!!


----
"Natural Born"

The following is a funny and true story shared
by KC Williams who teaches government at
Santa Fe High School.

In one of KC's classes, they were discussing
the qualifications to be president of the United
States. It was pretty simple, the candidate must
be a natural born citizen of at least 35 years of
age.

However, one girl in the class immediately started
in on how unfair was the requirement to be a
natural born citizen. In short, her opinion was
this requirement prevented many capable
individuals from becoming president.

KC and the class were just taking it in and letting
her rant, but everyone's jaw hit the floor when
she wrapped up her argument by stating, "What
makes a natural born citizen any more qualified
to lead this country than one born by C-section?"


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Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Rapparee
Date: 01 Jan 09 - 10:50 AM

At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball players aside and asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"

The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

"Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?"

The little boy nodded yes.

"So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the umpire, or call him a pecker-head. Do you understand all that?"

The little boy nodded again..

He continued, "And when I take you out of the game so another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach 'a dumb ass' is it?"

Again, the little boy nodded.

"Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your grandmother."


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Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Leadfingers
Date: 01 Jan 09 - 11:28 AM

Guy walks into Bedroom with a Sheep under his arm . Says "This is the Pig I sleep with when you have a Headache"
His wife says "Thats NOT a pig , its a Sheep !"
Guy says " I wasn't talking to you!"


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Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Sooz
Date: 01 Jan 09 - 12:03 PM

Thanks guys - the world is now a better place!


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Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 01 Jan 09 - 04:12 PM

What happens when a fly falls into a coffee cup?

The Italian - throws the cup and walks away in a fit of rage.

The Frenchman - takes out the fly, and drinks the coffee.

The Chinese - eats the fly and throws away the coffee.

The Russian - drinks the coffee with the fly, since it was extra with no charge.

The Israeli - sells the coffee to the Frenchman, the fly to the Chinese, buys himself a new cup of coffee and uses the extra money to invent a device that prevents flies from falling into coffee.

The Palestinian - blames the Israeli for the fly falling in his coffee, protests the act of aggression to the UN, takes a loan from the European Union to buy a new cup of coffee, uses the money to purchase explosives, and then blows up the coffee house where the Italian, the Frenchman, the Chinese, and the Russian are all trying to explain to the Israeli that he should give away his cup of coffee to the Palestinian.


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Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 01 Jan 09 - 07:48 PM

I'm an admirer of yer jokes, Dave, and you outdo me at every turn, but I'm not enamoured of the Palestinian bit in the one above. Peace.


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Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Riginslinger
Date: 01 Jan 09 - 11:36 PM

DaveO - Because they were in Santa Fe, I was certainly surprised by the ending.


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Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Joe_F
Date: 02 Jan 09 - 09:06 PM

Deficient contact with reality is called mania. Excessive contact with reality is called depression.


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Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Susu's Hubby
Date: 02 Jan 09 - 09:53 PM

A young woman was about to finish her first year of college. Like so many others
her age, she considered herself to be a very liberal Democrat, and among other
liberal ideals, was very much in favor of higher taxes to support more
government programs, in other words redistribution of wealth.

She was deeply ashamed that her father was a rather staunch Republican, a
feeling she openly expressed.

Based on the lectures that she had participated in, and the occasional chat with
a professor, she felt that her father had for years harbored an evil, selfish
desire to keep what he thought should be his.

One day she was challenging her father on his opposition to higher taxes on the
rich and the need for more government programs. The self-professed objectivity
proclaimed by her professors had to be the truth and she indicated so to her
father. He responded by asking how she was doing in school.

Taken aback, she answered rather haughtily that she had a 4.0 GPA, and let him
know that it was tough to maintain, insisting that she was taking a very
difficult course load and was constantly studying, which left her no time to go
out and party like other people she knew.

She didn't even have time for a boyfriend, and didn't really have many college
friends because she spent all her time studying.

Her father listened and then asked, 'How is your friend Audrey doing?' She
replied, 'Audrey is barely getting by. All she takes are easy classes, she never
studies, and she barely has a 2.0 GPA.

She is so popular on campus; college for her is a blast. She's always invited to
all the parties and lots of times she doesn't even show up for classes because
she's too hung over.'

Her wise father asked his daughter, 'Why don't you go to the Dean's office and
ask him to deduct 1.0 off your GPA and give it to your friend who only has a
2.0. That way you will both have a 3.0 GPA and certainly that would be a fair
and equal distribution of GPA.'

The daughter, visibly shocked by her father's suggestion, angrily fired back,
'That's a crazy idea, and how would that be fair! I've worked really hard for my
grades! I've invested a lot of time, and a lot of hard work! Audrey has done
next to nothing toward her degree.

She played while I worked my tail off!'

The father slowly smiled, winked and said gently, 'Welcome to the Republican
party'


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Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Susu's Hubby
Date: 02 Jan 09 - 09:57 PM

A new supermarket opened here. It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you pass the dairy cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh mown hay.

In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks with onions.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The bakery department features the tantalizing aroma of fresh baked bread.

I don't buy toilet paper there any more.


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Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Rapparee
Date: 02 Jan 09 - 10:04 PM

Some years back, when the Oakland A's were still in Kansas City,
my dad took me to a baseball game. I don't remember who the visiting
team was but I do remember the pitcher - Melvin Randolph Phamey.
Well, anyway, it was the bottom of the ninth, the bases were loaded,
and Kansas City was behind by three runs with two outs.

Suddenly, a strange little man jumped up in the front row and began
to chant. Quickly, people near him joined in and, soon, the entire
stadium was thundering with his chant. I guess that the noise got to
the opposing pitcher and he walked in a run. The chant continued.
Another run was walked in. The opposing manager was at wits end for he had used up his entire bullpen and was forced to go with this pitcher.

Another run walked in. The chant continued. Finally, the winning run
came in on base on balls.

To this very day in Kansas City, the chant that was sung that day is
known as, "The cheer that made Mel Famey walk us."


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Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: katlaughing
Date: 03 Jan 09 - 01:25 AM

*groan* LOL, Rapaire!

(UDO, I love ya, too, but I agree with Steve, esp. during these terrible times in that region.)


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Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: SPB-Cooperator
Date: 03 Jan 09 - 11:42 AM

Is that an American in joke?


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Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 03 Jan 09 - 02:20 PM

Yes. It's based on an old advertising slogan: "Schlitz--the beer that made Milwaukee famous."


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Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: GUEST,machree01
Date: 04 Jan 09 - 09:30 AM

An absent minded man went to see the psychiatrist.
"How long has this being going on?" asked the psychiatrist.
"How long has what being going on?" the man replied the man.
-----------------------------------------------------------
A man with a bad inferiority complex went to see the doctor.
"Doctor, please help me. Nobody ever notices me."
The Doctor said, "Next patient, please.
-----------------------------------------------------------
A small boy swallowed a £5 note. His mother rang the doctor in a panic. "What'll i do doctor? "Oh," said the doctor, "give him these pills and give me a ring in two days time if there's no change."
-----------------------------------------------------------


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Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Midchuck
Date: 04 Jan 09 - 09:43 AM

...an old advertising slogan: "Schlitz--the beer that made Milwaukee famous."

Was there once a country song entitled "The beer that made Milwaukee famous has made a wreck out of me", or did I imagine it?

Peter


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Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 04 Jan 09 - 10:32 AM

If there wasn't such a song, there should have been!

Dave Oesterreich


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Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: breezy
Date: 04 Jan 09 - 11:12 AM

Oh yes there is


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Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: breezy
Date: 04 Jan 09 - 11:21 AM

jerry lee lewis

made a fool out of me


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Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 04 Jan 09 - 11:55 AM

What made Milwaukee famous
Made a loser out of me

I could be wrong but I have this hazy recollection of Rod Stewart "singing" it.


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Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 04 Jan 09 - 03:07 PM

WHAT'S MADE MILWAUKEE FAMOUS (HAS MADE A LOSER OUT OF ME)


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Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 04 Jan 09 - 05:13 PM

Father caomes home from work and asks mother what their son is doing in the Chemists shop at that time.....
"Silly boy" she said " I sent him to get some 'Fresh Lettuce'! "


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Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: frogprince
Date: 04 Jan 09 - 06:01 PM

I actually got that one, after a few seconds...


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Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: GUEST,Joe_F
Date: 04 Jan 09 - 08:59 PM

Macree01: Cf.:

"Doctor, my little boy just swallowed a roll of film."
"You may as well wait and see if anything develops."

*

Investing is not the same as gambling, and downtown is not the same as uptown.


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Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 04 Jan 09 - 09:25 PM

"Three Camels"

Noah was standing at the gangplank checking
off the pairs of animals when he saw three camels
trying to get on board.

"Wait a minute!" he said. "Two each is the limit.
One of you will have to stay behind."

"It won't be me," said the first camel. "I'm the camel
whose back is broken by the last straw."

"I'm the one people swallow while straining at a
gnat," said the second.

"And I am the one that shall pass through the eye
of a needle sooner than a rich man shall enter
heaven," said the third.

"Well, I guess you had better all come in," said Noah,
"the world is going to need all of you."


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Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Bob Hitchcock
Date: 04 Jan 09 - 09:31 PM

The other day I developed DeJaVu and Amnesia at the same time, I think I forgot all this before!


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Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Mr Red
Date: 05 Jan 09 - 08:20 AM

Uncle_DaveO

bitter coffee ? strong and dark for sure - but why no Englishman?
He would be drinking tea anyway.

So what do you call a nun on a washing machine?







As one aquaintance (she works in an SID/STD clinic) said - happy!
Funnier than the intended answer - a sistermatic.
but that one is funnier when you tell it to kids with their parents listening - parents laugh out of relief. Kids groan.


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Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Peter T.
Date: 05 Jan 09 - 10:01 AM

As a long-time Kansas City Athletics fan, I appreciate the joke, but don't remember the incident from my KC youth. (Doesn't mean it didn't happen).

But the A's were a wonderful joke all by themselves. The best thing was the donkey that Charlie Finlay put into the back bleachers to graze.   Oh yes, and there were also Charlie's coloured balls......



yours,

Peter T.


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Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Alice
Date: 05 Jan 09 - 11:05 PM

Due to the high cost
of energy
the light
at the end of the tunnel
has been
turned off.


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Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 06 Jan 09 - 01:31 AM

If you can see a light at the end of the tunnel .....



...... get off the track, there's a train coming.


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Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Sooz
Date: 06 Jan 09 - 04:49 AM

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, 'I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today...'

The bartender says, 'Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.'

As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, 'I would like to buy you a drink, too.'

The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.'

'Coming up,' says the bartender.

As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, 'I would like to buy you one, too.'

The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.'

'Coming right up,' the bartender says. As he gives her the drink, he says, 'Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?'

The old woman replies, 'Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.'


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Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: HuwG
Date: 06 Jan 09 - 09:23 AM

If obscure sports references are in vogue, how about the high-spending but (currently) poorly-performing Manchester City Football Club, in North-West England.

One day, the manager, Mark Hughes, strikes up casual conversation with the groundsman. He says, "The pitch is growing well."

"So it ought to" replies the groundsman. "You put two and a half million quids' worth of shit on it every weekend."


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Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Donuel
Date: 07 Jan 09 - 12:56 AM

Telling jokes is a wonderful skill and hilarious when masterfully done.

Sometimes I prefer playing jokes, such as my many pretend cell phone conversations in public. (Sort of a Newhart meets Carlin thing)

Today I heard that Sanjay Gupta is probably going to become the next Surgeon General. It is rumored that he plans to accept the appointment by the Obama transition team by weeks end.

This got me thinking, so the first thing I did was get the front desk number of the Hay Adams Hotel. Then I got contact emails for Judge Judy and Dr. Phil and sent them messages asking them to call the hotel number no later than January 13th and ask for Rahm Emanuel regarding any interest in an appointment by President elect Barack Obama. I added my real name and a concern that due to recent twitter security issues not to respond electronicly.

In Judge Judy's case I asked if she would be interested in a United States Federal Judge appointment and for Dr. Phil it was regarding his interest in being director of the National Institutes of Health with a special PS saying "say hello to Oprah for me".

Now what should I "offer" Bill O'Reilly ?


___________________________



When Mr & Mrs Obama met President Bush and his wife a couple months back Barack asked about using the only already secure facilities at Blair House for his family to make a smooth transition to the White House. George said he would look into it.
For whatever reason George told his staff to tell Obama that Blair House was booked.

Thing is, It wasn't. In fact just in case anyone asked they sought to get someone booked in the 135 rooms with 35 bathrooms Blair House so George's refusal to give the White House "guest house" to Barack would not seem so crude.
White House staff asked if George could call around and see if he could ask some one he knew to stay in Blair House.
Everyone he called was unavailable. That is until just this week he got a bite from former Prime Minister of Australia John Howard. In return for his trip to DC John will get a medal of Freedom ceremony on January 13th. John will be staying at Blair House for a day and a night.

Barack and his family are currently at the Hay Adams Hotel.


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Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: severed-head
Date: 07 Jan 09 - 06:56 AM

Joe's wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her
look years younger. After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the
"miracle" products, she asked, "Darling, honestly, what age would you say
I look?"

Looking over her carefully, Joe replied, "Judging from your skin, twenty;
your hair, eighteen; your figure, twenty five."

"Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed.

"Hey, wait a minute!" Joe interrupted. "I haven't added them up yet."


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Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 07 Jan 09 - 08:08 AM

"Auto Hazards, and Excuses for Speeding Tickets"

1. A guy was driving down a country road, at night, in a
convertible and he heard a loud noise in the back of his
car. Apparently a deer was jumping out of the bush into
the road and landed in the back seat of his car. Needless
to say the man was very startled and was lucky not to
get into an accident.

2. When I was 16 I was pulled over for running a
yellow light. When the officer (male) asked why I
had done it, I replied without thinking. "My dog was
neutered today and I have to get home and check
him out." Needless to say, I didn't get a ticket that day."

3. I was driving Braille in a old VW bug coming home
from San Francisco late one night with a friend and
we had been drinking. A California Highway Patrol car
stopped us and asked why my car was swaying back
and forth and if I had been drinking. I told him that the
front-end of my car was in really bad shape and couldn't
help driving like that. I told him I had one drink and wasn't
drunk. He gave me a sobriety test and somehow I passed
and he believed my story. He turned to the other patrolman
and said..." I told you he probably had something wrong
with his front-end." Then he let me drive on home. There
wasn't anything wrong with my car!

4. "Oh, officer, I've been living in Germany for so many
years that I forgot how to read the signs in miles per
hour. I sure am glad to be home and have someone
remind me!" He let me go with a warning.

5. Oh, I know what happened, my brother told me
that he had some really good tires for my old car here,
but they were a little bit bigger than the old ones. That
must have thrown off the cruise-control, because I had
it set at 67 mph, like usual." I was scolded for trying to
go two miles over the speed limit, and let go.

6. This guy was driving down the freeway and was
stopped by the California Highway Patrol for talking
on his cell phone, shaving with his electric razor and
steering the car with his elbow all at the same time!

7. Please excuse me from this speeding ticket. My
wife ran off with a state policeman and when I saw
your flashing lights I didn't stop because I thought
you might be the trooper who is trying to bring her
back to me.

8. This excuse I have actually used and it worked. I had
gotten pulled over for speeding, and I told the cop I had
dropped a cigarette in my lap, and while lifting my butt up
to retrieve it, I must have inadvertently pushed down on
the gas pedal...


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Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: severed-head
Date: 07 Jan 09 - 09:40 AM

A farmer named Seamus had a car accident.

In court, the lorry company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Seamus.

'Didn't you say to the Police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked
the solicitor.

Seamus responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my
favourite cow, Bessie, into the...'

'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the
question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'

Seamus said, 'Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving
down the road....'

The solicitor interrupted again and said, 'Your Honour, I am trying to establish
the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the
scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to
sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the
question.'

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Seamus's answer and said to the
solicitor:
'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'.

Seamus thanked the Judge and proceeded.

'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the
trailer and was driving her down the road when this huge lorry and trailer came
through a stop sign and hit my trailer right in the side. I was thrown into one
ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurt, very bad like, and
didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I
knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident, a
policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so
he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out
his gun and shot her between the eyes.

Then the policeman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me and
said, 'How are you feeling?'

'Now what the F**k would you say?'


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Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: severed-head
Date: 07 Jan 09 - 11:17 AM

A couple were 85 years old and had been married for sixty years. Though
they were far from rich, but managed to get by because they watched their
pennies.

Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the
wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.
One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation
and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.

They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He
took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a
fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bathroom. A maid could be
seen hanging their favourite clothes in the closet.
They gasped in astonishment when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven. This will
be your home now.'

The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. 'Why,
nothing,' Peter replied, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven.'
The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship
golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth.
'What are the greens fees?' grumbled the old man.
'This is heaven,' St. Peter replied. 'You can play for free, every day.'

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with
every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to
exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.
'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to the man. This is Heaven, it is all
free for you to enjoy.'
The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife.
'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the
decaffeinated tea?,' he asked.
That's the best part,' St. Peter replied. 'You can eat and drink as much
as you like of whatever you like and you will never get fat or sick.
This is Heaven!'

The old man pushed, 'No gym to work out at?'
'Not unless you want to,' was the answer.
'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or...'
'Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.'
                                          
The old man glared at his wife and said, 'You and your f....ing Bran
Flakes. We could have been here ten years ago!'


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Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 07 Jan 09 - 07:37 PM

For those intereseted - the previous thread was
6th Joke thread of 2008


There are seven Kinds Of Sex ....

The 1st kind of sex is called ... Smurf Sex.
This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called ... Kitchen Sex.
This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so needy you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called ... Bedroom Sex.
This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called ... Oral Sex.
This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say ... 'F**k You.'

The 5th kind of sex is called ... Religious Sex.
Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night. (Very Popular)

The 6th kind is called ... Courtroom Sex.
This is when you cannot stand your wife/husband any more. She/he takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.

And - Last .. But not least ....

The 7th kind of sex is called ... Social Security Sex.
You get a little each month. But not enough to enjoy your self.


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Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Joe_F
Date: 07 Jan 09 - 07:40 PM

If I could tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, I'd *be* God.


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Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: severed-head
Date: 08 Jan 09 - 05:18 AM

A family took their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and left her,
hoping she would be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathed
her, fed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window
overlooking a lovely flower garden.

She seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt sideways in
her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rushed up to catch her and
straighten her up. Again she seemed okay, but after a while she slowly
started to tilt over to her other side. The nurses rushed back and once
more brought her back upright. This went on all morning.

Later, the family arrived to see how the old woman was adjusting to her
new home.

"So Mum, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?"

"It's allright," she replied. "Except they won't let me fart."


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Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: severed-head
Date: 08 Jan 09 - 06:14 AM

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was
drafted into the Army.
On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb.
That afternoon the Army barber shaved off all his hair.
On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush.
That afternoon the Army dentist extracted seven of his teeth.
On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap.
The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.


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Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Joe_F
Date: 08 Jan 09 - 09:42 PM

Yanks think 200 years is a long time, and Brits think 200 miles is a long way.


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Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: severed-head
Date: 09 Jan 09 - 06:01 AM

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom.

One day, an acquaintance ran up to him excitedly and said, 'Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?'

'Wait a moment,' Socrates replied, 'Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test.'

'Triple filter?' asked the acquaintance.

'That's right,' Socrates continued. 'Before you talk to me about my student let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?'

'No,' the man said, 'actually I just heard about it.'

'All right,' said Socrates. 'So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?'

'No, on the contrary ....'.

'So,' Socrates continued, 'you want to tell me something bad about him, even though you're not certain it's true?'.

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued.' You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter - the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?'

'No, not really...'

'Well,' concluded Socrates, 'if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?'

The man was defeated and ashamed. This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem. It also explains why he never found out that Plato was shagging his missus.


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Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 09 Jan 09 - 01:31 PM

The Theory of Intelligence

Coupla guys, leaning wearily on the bar over their next-to-last (6th) beers of the night.

'Well you see, Charlie, it's like this. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. And that, Charlie, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers.'


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Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Rapparee
Date: 09 Jan 09 - 06:09 PM

Jerry Garcia is sitting there tuning his guitar. John Lennon is
warming up on the piano. Janis Joplin is loosening up as Jimi Hendrix does a few practice riffs.

Jerry says "Man, there IS a rock & roll heaven!"

Elvis is next to him "What do you mean heaven?"
Just then Karen Carpenter takes a seat at the drums, and says "Okay people. 'Close To You' ..1..2..3"


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Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Rapparee
Date: 09 Jan 09 - 06:35 PM

Mary was leaving Church when Father Kelly stopped her.

"Ah, Mary, and how's Patrick?"
"Sure, and Patrick died last night, Father."
"Mary, that's awful! Did he have any last words?"
"He did indeed, Father. He last words were, 'Now Mary, put the gun down.'"


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Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Joe_F
Date: 09 Jan 09 - 09:35 PM

The church is near, but the road is icy.
The tavern is far, but I'll go carefully.


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Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 10 Jan 09 - 02:10 PM

Okay, Joe, I understand the two statements.

But what's the joke? ;-)

Dave Oesterreich


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Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 14 Jan 09 - 10:08 AM

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping
channels.
   She asked, 'What's on TV?'
   I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started...

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------

   My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'

   I bought her a scale.

And then the fight started...

------------ --------- --------- --------- ---------

   When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive... So I took her to a gas station.

And then the fight started...

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------

   After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
   The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt, revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
   When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'

And then the fight started...

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------

   I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
   "I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
   He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
   "Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started...
------------ --------- --------- ---

   A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
   The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And then the fight started.....
------------ --------- --------- ------

   My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look big. I told her not as much as the dress she wore yesterday

And then the fight started.....
------------ --------- --------- --------- ------

   A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies. Suddenly, at three o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.
   The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy crap. That must be my husband!' So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked, and jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go.
   A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!'
   The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'

And then the fight started.....
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ----

   Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked the noat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
   I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different
anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'
   My loving wife of ten years replied, 'Can you believe that my stupid husband is out fishing in that?'

And then the fight started .....
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ----

   I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?" It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
   "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
   So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"

And that's when the fight started....
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ----

   My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?" "No," she answered.
   I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
   She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."
   So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started....

------- ------- ------- -------

   My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunk n lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
   'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
   'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------


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