Mudcat Café message #525409 The Mudcat Café TM
Thread #37201   Message #525409
Posted By: Bernard
10-Aug-01 - 08:56 PM
Thread Name: Help: UK Catter at Risk
Subject: RE: Help: UK Catter at Risk
I write this to try to give you an insight to the way a depressive thinks. It may help, it may not...

There are two basic types of suicidal depression (okay, a generalisation, but hear me out!).

One is 'the blues', which you can be 'shocked' out of. I've had that.

The other is clinical depression which you cannot be shocked out of and any attempt to do so could have catastrophic consequences.

Protect yourself, as everyone is suggesting. If it happens it isn't your fault.

I have lots of friends who would be devastated if I went through with it. But when a suicidal mood takes over, nothing else is in your mind other than to remove the pain quickly.

So far I've been lucky - there's always been some reason why 'I can't do it until I've...' - some loose end that needed tidying up. I worry that one day there won't be any more loose ends...

Maybe your friend needs your support, but be careful not to push too hard. I was pushed so hard by my best friend (ex-partner, which didn't help) that she doesn't speak to me these days. She took it too personally - as if my negativity was wilful.

My problems are threefold:

My job gives me too much stress - it caused my breakdown two years ago, but the problems go back much further.

My income is barely enough to 'keep my head above water'.

My wife and I parted fourteen years ago (we both preferred women), and I've been on my own since, with the exception of a far too short friendship which started two and a half years ago, and ended a month after my breakdown.

If your friend is an ex-partner, and she didn't want it to 'end', you may be hurting her more by showing that you still care. A difficult situation, and I don't know the answer.

On the other hand, if your friend is not romantically interested in you (or you in her), you are in an excellent position to give her the support she needs - but don't push!

As I've said before, talking is important. But don't be judgemental, or try to impose your opinions and values. Think of a depressive as a child - she needs guidance, not control, and it's a very fine line...

If she wants to give her stuff away, let her. Her true friends will give it back if she 'gets better'. It may just be a way of crying for help - I've done it myself.

My email address is in an earlier posting - use it if you want to. Your friend may need your support, but you need the support of others who may be able to explain what she is going through in a way that you hadn't considered.

I think we all understand the feelings of inadequacy you are going through. Rest assured that you are doing your best, and no one would expect any more than that. We have to accept, sometimes, that things are truly beyond our control.

We all hope your patience is rewarded...