Mudcat Café message #3894431 The Mudcat Café TM
Thread #17531   Message #3894431
Posted By: Jim Dixon
17-Dec-17 - 06:12 PM
Thread Name: Funniest Talking Blues Song
Subject: Lyr Add: TALKIN' ALIEN ABDUCTION BLUES (Dan Bern)
TALKIN' ALIEN ABDUCTION BLUES
As recorded by Dan Bern on "dog boy van" (1997)

I don't know what made me go out that night.
At that hour I'd normally been in bed,
But I found myself lookin' up at the sky
At a very bright light straight overhead.
It flashed green,
And then red:
Santy Claus colors.

I stood there frozen in that light,
Then I started hearin' this kind of a whir.
The lights got louder and the noise got brighter [sic]
And I felt a sudden chill. Brr!
It was cold.
Shouldn't 'a' gone out without a coat.
My mom was right again.

This big ol' spaceship floated down
And hovered three feet above the earth.
Never been so scared in all o' my life.
Could 'a' given spontaneous birth,
If I was a woman,
And pregnant.

Well, these two little guys about four feet tall
Jumped off this space-age Greyhound bus.
They grabbed me by the arms and said:
"Start walkin', Dan; you're comin' with us."
Abduction!
They didn't actually speak but I understood 'em.
Telepathy!

They strapped me down in this metal crate,
Took out this thirty-five-foot-long hose.
They said: "Don't worry; this won't hurt,"
Then they stuck that sucker up my nose:
All the way up!
I knew my nose was long but this was a surprise.

They examined me from head to toe,
Stuck prods in ev'ry orifice.
This coal-gray box come gave me a kiss
And extracted a couple o' quarts o' piss.
I felt dehydrated.

Then they waved this wand all round my brain,
Said: "Now we're readin' your brain, you see.
You got an awful lot o songs in there.
It seems they're all in the key o' G."
"So what about 'Marilyn?' That's in D."
They said: "D-flat, actually."
I said: "Well, yeah, 'cause I tuned down a half-step. What about 'Hannibal'?"
They said: "What about 'Hannibal'?"
I said: "Well, technically it's in G but it's really a drop-D tuning capoed up."
They said: "How come you don't play the harmonica more?"
I said: "How come I'm in a spaceship talkin' to aliens about my act?"
They said: "We'd rather talk physics but you're illiterate there."
I couldn't argue.

They dropped me someplace in Brazil.
Took a month to get back to the USA.
When I told my friends what I'd been through,
No one believed what I had to say.
That sucked.
It's to be expected though; most people think "Hannibal's" in straight tuning.

Well. my life's back to normal now.
I do the things I always do.
But once a week I meet with twelve other folks
Who've been abducted too.
I tell my story.
They tell theirs.
I don't believe them though.