Mudcat Café message #1791315 The Mudcat Café TM
Thread #93237   Message #1791315
Posted By: 282RA
24-Jul-06 - 12:29 AM
Thread Name: BS: The Gospel of Shatner
Subject: BS: The Gospel of Shatner
In the Beginning was the Holy Shatner and upon the ancient realm of Rigel 4 was he begotten. Young Shatner grew and waxed in physique and intellect until many marveled at his overacting. "Verily, I say unto thee," saith the wise ones, "that this one is destined for primetime greatness."

Rigel 4 was governed in those days by an evil ruler named Kodos who longed to land lead parts in movies and television but was told he was too regal-looking and his voice too majestic. "Your acting," he was told, "is too realistic. Never canst thou ever hope to approach the overacting abilities of the One called Shatner" and Kodos was vexed both in heart and mind. Kodos ordered his soldiers, "Bring me the head of this Shatner and let us see him overact his way out of that one," and Kodos laughed his evilest laugh which his soldiers readily agreed was mighty realistic sounding and not like overacting at all.

And they spread over Rigel 4 like a pestilence in search of the young Shatner. When they discovered that he looked like all the other children of his age (since all were clones), Kodos ruled that entire provinces shall wiped out—every man, woman and child. And it was so. But an angel sent by a Hollywood special FX crew warned the Great Mother Shatner that she must take her progeny in hand and flee to the back lot and there she saw her son cast in bits parts as an ordinary extra. Because He was in the background and given no lines, there was no way anyone could ever know that this was the One, the Kirk, the Creator and anyone suspected so out loud, he charged them to tell no man that thing. Instead, the soldiers of Kodos reported that the Shatner's entire family had been eliminated by phasers set on "kill" and Kodos grinned evilly (and received many great reviews for it).

In triumph did Kodos take to the intergalactic stage in his own overacting troupe dedicated to erasing from memory all traces of the Holy Shatner and the people fell into despair. "Kodos is too realistic for sci-fi," they moaned, "We long for the great Shatner. Ah, how quickly is the light of the world extinguished" and they wept bitterly (which was terribly overacted making Kodos quite jealous of this ignorant rabble).

The Young Shatner entered the Federation of Overacting and was given command of his own sci-fi television show. All agreed that his acting had never been more overblown. When word reached Kodos he was wroth to such extent that no one knew if he was overacting or not.

He swore that he would become the arch-enemy of Shatner on the show for episode after episode. But The Great One threw back his head and laughed in totally overblown fashion (can't knock perfection) and relegated Kudos to a single episode playing the leader of a second rate Shakespeare-in-the-galactic-park troupe. And then the Holy Shatner revealed his true motive, he would bring Kodos to justice for the murder of his family. And to prevent Kodos from nabbing anymore bit parts and to avoid scrapes with the Screen Actors' Guild, Great Shatner destroyed Kodos by having him killed by his own psycho daughter (ouch!).

And the Great Shatner went on to overact his way to utter stellar greatness as "T.J. Hooker" where he would out-overact even James Darren and Heather Locklear with their combined overacting powers going full blast and together this triumvirate of overacting talent went nowhere in the ratings and T.J. Hooker fell by the wayside. Sheer victory! After this came, commercial endorsements and a role as a shady, annoying lawyer and who could overact such a difficult role better than the Venerable and Most Worshipful Shatner? May. the. melodramatic. words. of. Our. Lord. Shatner. Be. With. You. All. Amen.