Mudcat Café message #100866 The Mudcat Café TM
Thread #2624   Message #100866
Posted By: Art Thieme
30-Jul-99 - 11:35 AM
Thread Name: How to Create a Folksong (FS for Dummies)
Subject: RE: How to Create a Folksong (FS for Dummies)
In the following song scenario, the CAPITALIZED words are generally classic folkie idioms and motifs that should be in a possible folksong.-----

How about a song concerning:

1) Waking up in the morning at 1:00 PM & being so out of it from almost O.D.ING on COCAINE the night before that...

2) ...because of your ADDICTION TO CAFFEINE you must head to the COFFEEHOUSE for an ESPRESSO.

3) JOAN, with the LONG BLACK HAIR and the very revealing textured bodystocking is there and you ask her if it was as good for her last night as it was for you? (You share a cigarette.)

3) She says that SHE IS PREGNANT and needs $5,000.00 to go to the BACK ALLEY for an ABORTION from the unlicensed barber back there who gives those and other sexual favors---not unlike Monica in the back seat of your MG that time in FRISCO after the JAM SESSION in that SMOKEY DIVE of a bar that had those great ITALIAN SAUSAGE SANDWICHES. You tell her, "Hey, this is 1961 and abortions only cost ten dollars." She tells you she knows all that but that you never did pay her for last night!

4) You tell her that you have a GIG that very night on WELLS STREET (this is Chicago) and you'll have the BREAD for her by 4:00 A.M. and, LIKE, MAN, I DIG and things are COOL.

5) She MAKES THE SCENE at four in the A.M. but she never knew that this was a TWO "O'CLOCK"--"IRISH" BAR. (Get it? IRISH bar?--O'CLOCK?) I had SPLIT THE SCENE at 2:00 A.M..

6) By 3:00 A.M. I had JUMPED A FREIGHT for ANYWHERE in the WEST and by 7:00 A.M. that very morning (this was the WABASH CANNONBALL and could do WARP 12)I was in NEEDLES, CALIFORNIA with a NEW WIFE and 13 children (BAD LUCK), all named SILO or MOON TUNA or some f.....g silly name like that. (Wouldn't wanna swear---after all, this is a family show!)

7) By the following Thursday I had had 6 other kids by 5 other "WIVES?" and had written over A THOUSAND SONGS about how COOL it was to be totally IRRESPONSIBLE even though several of those CHICKS had committed SUICIDE since I left them and they ran out of BREAD ($) & couldn't buy any food or pay the rent.

8) But hell, I'M A POET--A SINGER/SONGWRITER and I don't ever sweat the small stuff. I even sang a TRADITIONAL SONG once.

9) 28 of those kids died of a disease I passed on to them in their LEVIS (jeans) before they got to be old enough to DRINK.

10) The rest died from ALCOHOLISM for which they were called up before the HOUSE UN-ALCOHOLISM ACTIVITIES COMMMITTEE (those ims are all the same anyhow) where they were effectively harassed for the last ten years of their lives to the extent that those last years were destroyed by some dumb Special Prosecutor hand-picked by the FASCIST president.

11) That president was impeached and tossed out of office by a Congress that had it in for him ever since the last president from their party had LOST THE CIVIL WAR---over 130 years ago. (Very uncivil if you ask me.)

14) That president (the one who was tossed out) gave his MISTRESS, formerly an intern at the White House, (You didn't think she'd really left the picture, did you?) a rather expensive Cuban "CIGAR" that Fidel Castro had sent him, supposedly with hopes of changing U.S. attiudes toward that island nation and to ensure SOLIDARITY FOREVER. That same girl married our FOLKSINGER later and gave him that CIGAR (it always looked to him like half of it had been put in something wet.) Our folksinger later left yet ANOTHER "WIFE" and gone to fight in the SPANISH CIVIL WAR where he learned and wrote at least a million new SONGS.

15) IN SPAIN he had his ARM BLOWN OFF when an exploding CIGAR his "girlfriend" had given him simply ripped his arm from his body (it was a FAREWELL TO ARMS!!) and tore up his lips pretty bad too. Before he left for Spain he gave the same gal HALF OF A GOLDEN RING to remember him by. He'd been smoking that cigar when he should've been fighting in the BATTLE OF GANDEZA. The arm fell into the EBRO RIVER where it was lost and never found.

16) HIS HAlF OF THE RING was, unexplainably, supposedly on the ring finger of that hand.

17) SEVEN YEARS LATER he came home and, since he was now 95 years old, SHE COULDN'T RECOGNIZE HIM. The explosion (which some had thought was a MINE EXPLOSION) also blew off his DO-NE-AMMA-WHANG-A-DOODLE-DOO-ME-AMMA-DAY.

18) Yes, that is why she couldn't recognize him---because he'd lost his DNAWADDMAD. It wasn't because he had lost his half of the RING. (To this very day they always check ones "DNA" (as it's called) to see if residual bodily residues came from a certain guy. And the common term for that mass of seed is referred to as "blowing your "WAD"! And getting various venereal diseases will make you "MAD"! All those are from the big anagram. In actuality the ring had fallen off long before because anybody with half a brain would know that HALF A RING would never stay on your stupid finger. --- And a PAP TEST was, of course, to find out who the father of your kid was!

19) Years after this famous SINGER-SONGWRITER had joined the HEAVENLY CHORUS, this FAIR YOUNG DAMSEL wrote the quintessential folksong called (get ready!)

---"WHY DO YOU BOBBIT YOUR HAIR GIRLS" !!!!!

20) And she died very rich and so did their son, Silo, from royalties from all his recently composed (?)folksongs---whatever the hell those should more properly be called.

21) Indeed, SILO lived to a ripe old age and was never touched by his fathers disease. Some even will say, in an unguarded moment, that he never did look anything like his father...??!! I guess we'll never really know the truth---whatever that is!

Some day I'll write this song, but for now...

Love,

Art Thieme