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User Name Thread Name Subject Posted
Jande BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis (225* d) RE: BS: Making Dreams Come True? --Hesperis 07 Oct 02


I am somewhat irritated by some of the things you say to Hes and other people, but I hesitate to say it since I expect that your response could be "Well... simply choose to feel something else.", but hell, I'll say it anyway, simply to redress the balance.

The only way a person can choose their feelings is if they make themselves insensitive/disassociative to a certain extent. This insensitivity is something I have noticed about your own behavior at times and have wondered why, since you also seem to a be very generous person.

Is it possible that, because you have "pulled yourself up by your own bootstraps", you may have shut off some parts of your sensitive and creative areas in order to survive? Personally, I suspect this is an area you are struggling with.

This is not a condemnation, Susan, simply a theory based on my reading of your posts here over the years. It seems more likely to me that you are feeling some guilt about no longer having the room available, and perhaps some anger/resentment that Hes didn't take you up on your generosity. For you to have those feelings are perfectly reasonable under the circumstances. I'd be worried if you *didn't* feel them. But then, you rarely share your feelings, though you are generous with your thoughts.

I think *some* of what you've said is true. *Some* people _won't_ wait around forever while we are floundering in the mire that we did not make for ourselves, but that we must learn to deal with. And there is no condemnation of those people, either, just sadness. Why should they wait around? All are entitled to live their own lives, even if that means they move on without us.

And no, there are no food stamps. But there are, I believe, still food banks somewhere there. But, IIRC, you need to show them you are on benefits from Social Services these days. At this point I would say they would come in pretty handy for Hes, once she gets a place --IF they have stuff she isn't allergic to.

Oh, and Susan, KUDOES to you for "working your way off"! Did you, too, have allergies, or environmental illness that made it impossible for you to leave the house in certain seasons of the year? Or was there something else debilitating happening that makes your situation resemble so closely that of Hesperis'? If so, then I think you qualify for "goddess". :`)


I appreciate you letting us know that you may be unable to fully appreciate the situation that Hes is in, but that you are willing to help however you can, even if it is only with encouraging posts and helpful links (and very practical offers of clothing!). And, btw, those links have been helpful to me, also, as I have the very same problem as Hes, except that added to that was a lot of childhood abuse of *various* kinds, so that I still have problems asking for help or creating "community". Thankyou for being aware of your own limitations in this, but being willing to help anyway. Your practical advice is very good.   {{{{{hugs}}}}}


I would agree with your assessment of both Hesperis (and the gov't!), with the following exception:

The vision problems come about because of the allergies. The amount/distance one can see is different all the time, and can often change by the hour. This is due to internal pressure on the eyeball, changing its shape, and therefore the way we see. I tried glasses, too --the kind that Hes tried, and they made me very ill due to motion-sickness. The eye-doctor told me that it should go away in six weeks, but that some people never get over that --especially if you are suseptible to motion sickness-- so I toughed it out, but after that I had to send the glasses back as I was sick and had headaches for the whole six weeks.   

I expect it was simply a poor choice of words that made it sound as though you didn't believe her when she said getting glasses gave her headaches?

Right now, because of the ragweed, I have swollen red-rimmed itchy watering eyes with little tiny pustules on the rims, my eyes are sensitive to light, and I have a slight headache all the time, even though I live on a steady diet of pseudoephedrin. Why? Because I went outside for the first time in a week, braving the ragweed pollen, to get some exercise in the form of a brisk half-hour walk. I can take care of the itchy rims of the eyes with applications of zinc cream, which leaves my eyes a bit greasy. But because they are also swollen, so even the glasses I do have for long distances don't work very well at this time of year. And the eyesight probems are less than a tenth of what I am suffering for that walk, but I really *need* to get out and excersise.

I pray now every day for the blessing of Snow!

And I feel especially that I want to send blessings to you! But not necessarily snowy ones. :`)

Oh, yes, and... There is no such thing as being addicted to computers. It is simply a life-long obsession! You, know... like being obsessed with WWII, or with Bob Dylan, etc.

To all that have responded to this thread: Thankyou!

That's why I started this thread. For this kind of discussion.

To show you that though Hes is still only inching her way out of her problems, she is gaining on them -- especially with the help, practical advice and emotional support that she is getting here.

To show Hes that she hasn't been abandoned just because her progress doesn't meet our expectations. She is progressing.

And to keep discussing this as well as hold Hes accountable. It is far too easy to let things slip when you feel isolated and think no one really cares. Dragging oneself to the Doctor's Office, or to Legal Aid, or Welfare, even though you know it will make you sicker because you have to go outside suddenly seems worth it because people care and they are holding you accountable no matter what you are feeling.

My closest friends are those who stuck by me while I struggled my way out. They gave me money and helped me take care of my needs, like Hes's X(?)bf has and does. They confronted me, like Susan and Mary are confronting you, Hes. They stood up for me when I was too weak to do so for myself, and they held me accountable so that I had to take care of myself by doing what was necessary no matter how painful. They were also willing to confront their own feelings about things with me. But they never asked me to be insenstive, to go against my own moral code, or to stop being *idealistic*. They praised my sensitivity. They reminded me that it was that very sensitivity that made me a very special singer/songwriter/artist/story-writer --one who could move people.

I still have trouble with that. I don't always let people know the full extent of the physical suffering I am struggling with on a daily basis, partly because I don't think they will believe me (not having experienced it themselves), partly because it's a long litany of complaints that I simply don't want to burden my friends and loved-ones with. Ours is a society that doesn't love extremes, so being ill with something extreme, tends to bring out the "blame the victim" response... ::shrug::

Anyway, Hes, keep going. Some people don't care about you. Some do care and do their best to show it. Some people care more than they can articulate.

The man from the gospels asked us to "love our neighbour AS ourselves". Sometimes it's hard to remember that the second part of that is equal to the first part.   But never forget that love is not just a feeling, "love" is a verb.

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