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User Name Thread Name Subject Posted
Little Neophyte BS: Try The No-Food Diet (19) Try The No-Food Diet 10 Jul 01

As a dietitian who sees mostly folks trying to lose weight, I'm coming to the conclusion this might be the best approach to the problem.

Bonnie RD

Try The No-Food Diet Gene Weingarten, Toronto Star

In the last two months, I have lost 18 pounds. I have done this without exercise or amputation and without resorting to faddish diets such as the popular one in which you eat only things like Vaseline-coated pork.

It is with great pleasure that I disclose my personal weight-loss plan. If you lose weight at the rate I lost it, in less than two years you will physically disappear into the negative numbers.
So this is a good diet. Listen up:

 For breakfast, you eat a sensible meal of no food.
 Lunch consists of no food, plus a glass of water, if necessary.
 An occasional midday snack of no food is permitted.
 Dinner consists of as much food as one can possibly eat in five minutes. You would be surprised how much food that is, considering.

You'll become a dervish of activity during that allotted meal sort of like a dog. Have you ever walked into a room to discover that your dog has stolen a large piece of food say the family rump-roast dinner and dragged it to the middle of the floor? And the minute you enter the room, the dog realizes the jig is up, so he attempts to devour the roast whole in the two seconds it will take you to cross the room and whack him. So the dog executes a maneuver in which he appears to be attempting to inhale the roast through a series of giant, horking gasps.

Now I know what you are thinking: "Where can I get myself a copy of the Weingarten diet book?" This is because you are a moron. I just gave you the diet. You don't need the book.

But being a diet-book consumer, you will want to go out and buy it, which is why I am on the phone right now with my doctor, Mitchell Dunn. Everyone knows diet books need testimonials from health professionals. (Dr. Dunn sees his share of weight problems, since his practice is in Washington, where the most common form of exercise is social climbing.)

I am now on the phone informing Dr. Duynn that I have lost 18 pounds since my last visit. "Very impressive," he says. "How did you do it?"
I tell him. "Whoa!" he says.
I ask him if he can give me one of those snappy four-word testimonials for my book, like "a weight-loss triumph'?
"It's a little ridiculous," he says.
Um I say, I need something else. Is it safe?
"Your biggest danger is choking," he says. "It's safe if someone is there to give you the Heimlich."
Perfect. The Weingarten Amazing No-Food Diet. "Do it with someone you love," doctor says.

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