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User Name Thread Name Subject Posted
Inukshuk BS: Cat farts. (114* d) RE: BS: Cat farts. 26 Feb 01

Dear Friends and fellow cat lovers,
This is probably not the place for such an appeal, but I implore you, in the name of humanity, to take a minute and read how our arctic cats are at risk.


Accounts of grossly aberrant human behaviour as a result of getting "bushed" or contracting "cabin fever" in Canada's far north have been well documented. However, virtually nothing has been written to describe the effects of extreme climate and severe isolation on household pets, cats in particular. The following four case studies involving instances of anthropomorphism, domination, fetishism, and demonic possession, will serve to create an awareness of the dire consequences suffered by domestic felines who live in the arctic.
Gerald, a long, gangly cat with mottled orange and grey hair, participated as a full equal with his human companions. At meal times he would sit upright on a high chair at the table and eat from a plate using his claws to daintily carry the food to his mouth. During conversations he would politely hang onto every word uttered by the speaker, while gesticulating, nodding his head, and vocalizing in low guttural tones. This cat routinely made use of the flush toilet. There was never any doubt that Gerald considered himself to be a human being.
Less civilized by far was Corky, an extremely dominant and territorial tom, who became embroiled in a deadly battle of wills with his cohabiting male human. The cat and the man fought continuously over territory, especially for possession of the only arm chair in the tiny apartment. The man was enraged one day to witness the animal marking the chair in traditional tomcat fashion. Only quick intervention by the female human averted instant mayhem. A similar crisis occurred a few days later when the man's clarinet became the target of the feline's territorial markings. Corky's fate was sealed, however, when he maneuvered into position on the bathroom sink and singled out the man's toothbrush for his odorous urinary spray. The man took the cat to the edge of town and summarily dispatched it with a shotgun. The body was incinerated in a nearby garbage barrel along with the defiled toothbrush.
Cher, a diminutive Siamese, was put at risk as a result of her overwhelming fetish for human feet and footwear. When not actively enraptured by rubbing against an available foot, she would typically be found sleeping deep down inside any boot or mukluk large enough to accommodate her. Consequently she suffered abuse and indignities at the hands of the household man, who erroneously believed that he could discourage the unwelcome behaviour by playing the cat in the manner of bagpipes. He would bite the cat's tail while squeezing its body under his arm to produce ghastly squawkings. Once, while sharing a large bottle of over-proof rum with a visitor, he demonstrated his cat-playing expertise, and went on to brag that he could also play dogs using an accordion technique. After a few more drinks, the inebriates wandered outside to perform a duet. As the inept visitor struggled to maintain Cher in the appropriate bagpipe position, his host grabbed a passing husky firmly by the ears and tail and began a vigorous squeezebox routine. The resulting cacophony was a brief but horrific quartet of commingled animal and human screams. The husky ran off, the men staggered to the nursing station for medical attention, and Cher slipped back inside to hide in a gumboot for two days. Old Andrew's nameless black cat adapted to life in the arctic better than any other domestic feline, but the results were not pretty. Allowed to range freely in a settlement where half-wild dogs outnumbered people two to one, he appeared permanently stressed and tense. His huge yellow eyes, located unnaturally to the side of his head, never seemed to blink. Repeated frostbite had reduced his ears and tail to barely discernible nubs. Humans and canines alike heeded the forewarnings of his unearthly vocalized threats. Old Andrew boasted frequently of being in league with the Devil, and it was taken for granted that his cat also enjoyed sinister protection. There was simply no other way to explain his continued survival.
Although the above examples represent but a minuscule sampling of the abnormal behaviour that is rampant among domestic cats living in Canada's Arctic, they raise awareness to the magnitude of this pressing problem. It is an appalling situation that will not rectify itself. There is an urgent need for rigorous studies and comprehensive surveys that will enable diagnostic and remedial services to be implemented effectively. Concerned individuals and agencies must urge government, at the local, Territorial, and Federal levels, to act immediately. The sanity and the souls of our arctic cats are at stake.

Thank you for your perseverence and your concern. These are true case studies. None of these cats ever got to enjoy their prerogative of felicitatious feline flatulence.


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